Sunday, 29 November 2009

giving thanks and other miscellany...

on the last thursday of every november i have always been raised to use that day as a chance to give thanks and eat.

this year i did not eat and i gave little or no thanks.

i had planned the day several weeks in advance because of this stupid divorce. i HAD to plan in advance so i could make sure i wasn't completely alone on another of the holidays that i love so much.

it was planned that i would prance over to pow pow's with a cheesecake and some dvd's and we would lie around like lazy pigs, watch telly all day and consume shocking amounts of confection.

fyi, not one of those things occurred.

i arrived at his house to see that he was a bit of a tired, disheveled-looking mess. i beamed as i handed him the paint i had brought for him and he just took it and immediately started working on a painting he is doing for me.

i proceeded to make cups of tea and talk to him as he painted. we talked about my plans for moving back to america and whether i had any definite plans set in place, to which i replied that i did... i outlined them and then it hit me, i am going to be moving in ten months, FORTY weeks! upon this announcement alastair claimed the conversation had to be over as it would depress him.

we talked about other things... i asked him what he was thankful for and he mindlessly listed off a few things, exuding more apathy for my being there than anything else.

the rest of the evening was just a montage of cups of tea, paint and some song that he is working on for a film. he was just completely out of it and wrapped-up in his own little world, meaning that i was only gifted two moments through the course of the evening that could be defined as 'nice.'

i just wish sometimes that he would snap to his senses and realize that some of his decisions are SO destructive and it really hurts the people he loves to see him spiral the way he does. i have spent more time during the course of our friendship worrying about him than i have having magical adventures and dates. i hate that i have to worry about him so much... hopefully, this cycle of destruction will end soon and we will have more magical days before i move back to america.

anyways, i feel it is important for me to highlight all the things i am thankful for at the moment. i should have really done this list several days ago, but i have just been busy and tired and generally crap. please see below:

  • the muffin... he's just number one on pretty much all of my lists all the time. everything he has done for me over the last seven weeks has been amazing and i know that were it not for him, i would not have gotten through all of this divorce crap as well as i have. he has been an amazingly solid friend who has stood by me and made me laugh even when i hurt the most. i could never, ever explain all the things i am thankful for about him. he is just made of actual magic and makes my life so much brighter and happier. everything will be alright as long as he and i are working together, i can feel that. i can feel the strength that he is helping to build up in me again. i can feel that everything is going to be okay from now on. perfectly okay.
  • silicone bake-wear... literally, there is nothing that has made my life easier than a good set of silicone cupcake cases or a good silicone cake 'tin.'silicone is the best thing in the world and i don't know how i ever baked without it before. 
  • alastair... despite the fail that our last date was made of, he still remains the best friend that a danie could have ever had in england. he has been an amazing force in my life since the day i met him... a force i am both mystified and comforted by. he is a wonderful creature and i am thankful for every single memory he has ever participated in giving me. he has taught me an incredible amount about myself, patience and friendship, and for that i am eternally thankful. 
  • the memories i have of my mum... i have been harking back a lot over the last couple of days to as many memories as i can of my mum. i feel fortunate that i at least have SOME memories of her. granted, i wish that i had more, but i could never, ever be more happy with the ones i have. she was a wonderful woman and was the best mum she could have possibly been. 
  • my ash-beast.... she is just... there are no words to describe how much she changed my life. were it not for her i don't know where i would be. she is an amazing girl and i can't wait to move back to america and beast my face off with her. to prance and shop and eat and just remember what it was like to constantly bask in the glow of excited glory. 
  • janey... this girl... THIS girl. if i had had any idea that when i added her on myspace back in 2004 that she would have been such a bull in my china closet, then i would have braced myself more... weighted down some of my objects and perhaps met her in real life sooner. she has just stormed into my life like a massive hurricane of sushi, chinese buns, tattoos and wonderful, drunken nights. she has really helped to bring me out of my shell and become who i am today... the american english girl who loves cider, youtube and racist comments too much.
  • jaacq
  • hannah... there are not enough words in the bloody dictionary to explain how she has helped me and how thankful i am for her. she has supported me through so many times and has accepted me for who i am. a real friend and someone who has stuck by me and cuddled me like no fucker else has. she is an amazingly strong, insightful, beautiful girl and i will DIE when i have to leave her behind. 
  • anti-depressants
  • my mobile phone
  • having money in my account
  • my baking and cooking skills
  • my divorce
  • umbrellas
  • the time i have been gifted in england
  • my computer
  • telephones
  • socks
  • hair dye
  • makeup
  • my sisters
  • paige
  • evan
  • my grandparents
  • the memories i have of my mum
  • my ability to dream
  • public transport
  • my strength
  • the fact that i am not TOO ill overall
  • books
  • pens
  • my creative abilities
  • royal mail
  • the fact that the muffin and i have another chance
  • money
  • toilet roll
  • high-speed internet connections
  • my sense of hearing
  • my sense of sight
  • my sense of touch
  • my sense of smell
  • the magnetic fields
  • the fact that someone WANTS to move in with me
  • my past
  • good digestive transit
overall, i am delighted. i will be returning to work tomorrow after being off for almost two months. i really feel ready now. i want to go back to the normalcy of it. i need to start feeling like a contributing member of society again.

things with the muffin have been fun and fairly emotional. we have been talking a lot about the logistics of danie moving back to america... i think i have been getting myself all whipped up into a frenzy more than i should do about the whole thing. like, after talking to pow pow on thanksgiving it hit me that i will be moving TWICE in one year... and these moves will begin in ten bloody months! fuck.

like, it's all very exiting, but the actual weight of the impact has hit me... i am going to be moving back to cheyenne next september, living there and then, around july 2011 i will begin regular trips back and forth to washington so the muffin and i can pick out a house. it's just all so large. i am starting a whole new life again. it is very exciting and very scary at the exact same time.

and amidst all of my fears and anxiety, i have the muffin... he has just been so lovely. i have done and said so many things that one would ordinarily expect to scare anyone off but he has just told me it was all going to be okay and did i want to see a video of a shark exploding? he is a delightful boy and i cannot wait to start the next chapter of my life with him. it will be so glorious.

i still cannot wait until he comes to visit. his arrival should occur at some point in the next fourteen to sixteen weeks and i am literally dying of excitement. he and i talk every day and send each other videos and photos are are generally just disgustingly in love at all times. it occurred to me two days ago, whilst watching one of his latest videos that this is DANE... the boy i fell in love with when i was fifteen. the boy who i planned so many exciting futures with.... the boy i never thought i was going to speak to again. it is all just so amazing to me... amazing and surreal and just... gahhhhh! there are no words. i am happy and i am in love.

i will now close with a snippet of a recent conversation.

starbeast: did you ever think we'd end up here again?
Him: no I didn't in all honesty
starbeast: i always knew
Him: I mean
Him: I always felt it
Him: how does one officially say good bye and then always come back
starbeast: hmmm
starbeast: yeah
Him: because of love my pancake
Him: love of the purest form
Him: love of the strongest time
Him: love like no other
starbeast: have you ever loved anyone like you love me?
Him: please know that I'm here for you
Him: never
Him: not even remotely close
Him: sans molly
starbeast: what makes this love so different?
starbeast: from all the other girls you've loved
Him: other girls I "loved"
starbeast: oh don't belittle it
starbeast: what you felt was love
starbeast: it was just different
Him: well
Him: I have felt love
Him: which was the excitement
Him: and the happiness
Him: but never the want to change the world just to be with them
Him: never the deep pounding of my heart when they were around
Him: never the hurt that I experience when I think about how much I love you yet can't be with you
Him: hurt was the wrong word
Him: intensity of the pain that it hurts
Him: you know what I mean right?
starbeast: mmhmm
Him: I have never loved anyone near as much
Him: they always said, put that 8x10 of her away
Him: you guys are done
Him: and I kept it around
Him: because I love you
Him: because I cared for you
starbeast: but...
Him: still do
starbeast: do you care for the danie from eight years ago?
Him: yes
starbeast: do you worry we've grown different and apart?
Him: and the danie from right now
starbeast: yeah?
Him: danie
Him: why are you being so emo
starbeast: not emo
starbeast: just curious
Him: I don't think for a second that we've grown apart
Him: not one bit
Him: we are different
Him: that is for sure
Him: we might take a little getting used to
Him: but who doesn't
Him: we just need to both be on the same page
starbeast: what makes you think this will work
starbeast: WE will work?
Him: your're stuck with this mess if you choose me
Him: because we have the will
Him: we have the drive
Him: we are hungry to be together and make it work
Him: we have the knowledge of what does and doesn't work
Him: we are amazing with each other
Him: we are independent in our own ways, but yet so dependent on each other to draw our own strength
Him: we are so supportive of each other's ideas and thoughts
Him: I know we will make it
Him: I refuse to let it go
Him: I will not fail
Him: I will not go silently into the night, not without you
Him: and my love for you will never diminish
starbeast: i love you
Him: when we're 70 I'll still be taking you up to the watertower*
Him: and playing al green
Him: I love you with everything
Him: I'm going balls deep on this one
Him: holding nothing back
Him: I fucking love you and I want you to know that
Him: feel it
Him: taste it
Him: know it
Him: is that answer somewhat ok?
starbeast: mmm
starbeast: very
Him: I feel like I didn't say enough
starbeast: you did
starbeast: i want you to know i was totally not being emo a lot of people just ask me what makes me think this will work
starbeast: and i was thinking about MY answer
starbeast: but i wondered what yours was
Him: just print up my report I wrote you on here and show them
starbeast: i might just do that
Him: tell me your answer
starbeast: mmm
starbeast: well
starbeast: my initial answer is that it FEELS right
starbeast: as someone who exists solely on her emotions and gut instincts
starbeast: my initial feeling is that this is right
starbeast: a lot of people ask me,
starbeast: 'well, how do you know if you haven't grown apart? how do you know you will still love one another'
starbeast: and i say...
starbeast: because i KNOW
starbeast: i can feel it
starbeast: i have been feeling it for the last eight years
starbeast: it has been a slow, deep, resonating sound in the core of my being for eight years
starbeast: i feel this intense magnetic draw to you
starbeast: always have
Him: even half-way around the world, we are drawn together
Him: dan face
Him: I fucking love you and adore you,
starbeast: and how can we have grown apart if i can still feel this so heavy in my chest?
starbeast: i just
starbeast: i know that...
starbeast: how can this be anything but love and right
starbeast: when the things that i have seen you do
Him: nothing else
Him: it's too strong
starbeast: matter nil
starbeast: compared to how i feel for you
Him: thank you
Him: you make me start tearing up
Him: I fucking love you so much,
starbeast: i love you
Him: your words are just so...
Him: inspiring and heart felt
Him: and true
starbeast: heh
starbeast: thanks
starbeast: i heart words
Him: good god I am emo
starbeast: don't be
Him: crying over love
Him: in a good way
starbeast: i just know that...
starbeast: these things that i feel
Him: no one has ever showed me this kind of intensity
starbeast: they run so deep and deserve to at least have a chance to be felt
starbeast: to be made real
starbeast: i love you
starbeast: i never, ever stopped
Him: I love you
starbeast: i want you to know that
Him: I know
starbeast: ever
starbeast: not even a little
starbeast: you have always been the one
Him: I do know that
Him: makes me feel so good inside
Him: always has
starbeast: the one little thing stuck in my cerebellum that wouldn't go
starbeast: this ache
starbeast: it makes me feel complete
starbeast: it's like the missing parts of my body are back finally
starbeast: and i am now able to fully function
starbeast: i feel so whole and real again
Him: like a severed finger thrown into the woods and finally found and re-attached?
starbeast: like the last eight years have been in preparation for the moment when we will be able to hold one another again
Him: and somehow it works better than before?
starbeast: i feel like
Him: it 's coming up soon
starbeast: like i've NEEDED these years
starbeast: i've needed them
starbeast: because the things i am going to feel
starbeast: they are going to be huge
Him: huger than huge
starbeast: and i wasn't strong enough eight years ago
Him: massively huge
starbeast: i've needed time to pump that emotional iron
starbeast: to be capable of dealing with this monumental feeling
Him: good analogy
starbeast: fanks
starbeast: i liked it

*the watertower is where he and i had our first more-or-less official date. it was magical, ask me about it sometime, i'll tell you the story. 


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