Monday, 16 November 2009
on being twenty-five...
over the last three days the one, single question i have heard more than any other is: so how does it feel to be twenty-five?...
how does it feel indeed. i generally gave the same answer, which i have given a great deal of thought... i shall now give you my answer, but in detail... please enjoy helping me explore my turning a quarter of a century.
it feels like, i can remember when i was twelve and my sister, carmen, turned twenty-five. i remember thinking she was so old, swearing that i would NEVER get that old.
well, now, here i am... i feel like i needed to do a mental assessment of my life. of what i wanted to achieve in comparison to what i actually have. almost three seconds after i started the mental assessment i decided it was not necessary... i decided that i just needed to see how i felt. as a girl who exists solely on the whims of her emotions and gut feelings, why change all that now just because i've turned twenty-five?
at this juncture in my life i feel like i have achieved every single little thing that anyone could hope for. i have moved continents, gotten married, made the most incredible friends anyone could ever know, created the most fabulous toys in the world, started a divorce, re-kindled an outrageously beautiful old flame, traveled some of europe, gotten a shit-ton of cheap or free tattoos and am planning to move continents again. i have done more in my twenty-five years than some people have done in fifty, sixty or seventy years.
i've been so blessed with the opportunities that i have been given and have been equally blessed with an upbringing that gave me the strength and peace of mind to act on them to their fullest potential. every single little step that i have taken from the moment i was born has made me who i am today. from my mother falling ill when i was nine or me going into the home to meeting my ashley to signing into that yahoo! chatroom that day on a whim. i am thankful for every single decision i have ever made and every decision that was made for me when i was not in the right capacity.
there is not a single thing in my life, to this day, that i regret. there is not one decision that i wish i hadn't made or one corner i wish i hadn't turned. they have all been perfect and have led me here, to this place where i feel so at peace and happy with my life that i feel i might cry at any moment.
today, my life is perfect and i am happy...
janeyface arrived two days early and upon her arrival we immediately went to the nearest booze-selling shop to procure some cider. five hours, three litres of cider and god knows how many fags later we were found writhing on the floor acting out scenes from our favourite video clip, which was actually made about us!
my birthday party was so, unbelievably epic. the night was just everything it should have been.
most everyone i love showed up, the bands played and my cupcakes tasted and looked perfect i got more cuddles and cupcake-themed cards than i knew was possible.
the entire evening i just pranced around in a complete daze of happy wonderment. all of this was for me and all the people were there for ME. i had created this life, made these friends and made all of this possible.
the only slight downer i experienced was attributed to pow pow. he had another gig to play in mansfield and was going to be late, by eleven at the latest. eleven rolled around, nothing. half-eleven, still nothing. by twelve i was near to tears, so cross with him i couldn't even talk because i would have just fallen on the floor in an inconsolable ball of emo. half twelve passed and i gave up... i gave up and began planning all the things i was going to do to make sure that i kept myself so busy that i wouldn't miss him when i gave him the cold shoulder.
i cannae remember the exact time that little tap came on my shoulder, but i turned, prepared to say goodbye to one of the many creatures who were surely too tired to continue partying. upon turning i saw the most beautiful, sheepish, wonderful little pow pow face in the world. i immediately cried and held him for ages. telling him i was so cross with him and thanking him for coming. it meant so much that he had actually come. i have been running through the last several months under the thought-pattern that this was an incredibly one-sided friendship and that if it came down to the wire, he would never go out of his way to make it known that he was an active participant. it just... him showing up really showed me that he cared, that this was a mostly-equal friendship that... that i love and don't ever want to lose. ever.
we had a fabulous movie date around his last wednesday that saw us watch a film, the news, a drama about youths in sixth-form and nevermind the buzzcocks. it saw us have an amazing cuddle and talk and just be happy. i made us some fabulous dinner and we just hung out. i am going to miss him so much. like, there are no words. he is one of the most special, important people i have ever met in my life... not just in england. he is a special boy and i love him so much.
my birthday morning i was woken by the door. at the door was a post man with a parcel from the muffin. he had sent the parcel several weeks ago and by luck, it showed up on the most perfect day in the world. i pranced up the stairs and opened it and was greeted by two camel-skin journals, the most fabulous iraqi trinket box in the world, a letter and two t-shirts. i immediately just curled up with one and snoozed for a while, smelling the shirt occasionally... i know this sounds odd... see, i primarily exist via my olfactory senses, my memories and associations with people are generally always triggered by scents and i just wanted to be able to associate him with that smell... any smell.
my smelling session was interrupted by the one, consistently negative thing from the whole weekend.... my estranged husband. his barged into my room demanding to know why i had been so lazy and not cleaned out the pets or dusted. i advised him that it was my birthday and i would prefer if, just for the one day, we could just avoid talking about the divorce, bills or chores. after pulling a suitably sassy face he shouted, 'fine, happy fucking birthday,' and stormed out.
he proceeded to be made of moody and sass for the remainder of the weekend, the most fabulous stunt he pulled being that he asked to borrow money from me saturday so he could have some drinks at my birthday (as he claims he has no money. this is because apparently, work has been giving him less hours due to how 'stressed' he is. personally, i reckon his money is being depleted by his various trips to nottingham to fuck man-face) ... i was feeling nice, so i lent him some money. the next day, yesterday, he pranced into my room in the middle of OMGSLEEPOVERFUNTIME with janey to inform us that he will be leaving to stay with man-face for the evening. i glanced over at janeyface to see the most disgusted look i have ever seen her pull. she and i spent some time discussing how disgusting it was that he claimed to have no money, borrowed some from me for 'drinks' and then fucks off to nottingham, which will cost him a minimum of seven pounds. i advised him of my opinion of this, to which he simply replied, 'well then don't lend me money next time.' and left it at that.
coming in as a close second to this stunt was when he tried to bring some random strange female home on my birthday. the primary reason this upset me was not due to the fact that he was most likely trying to get his end away, i could care less about this... the MAIN reason this upset me was because barely twenty-four hours prior to his trying to bring her home he had been in my room complaining to me that there was simply not enough room in our house for all the people that were going to be staying... how do you make that better? well, the clear answer is that you bring a random drunk stranger home to add to the bodies and tension.
i honestly, at this moment, cannot remember for the life of me why i married him. there had always been this small glimmer of love for him. love and respect and compassion... over the last few weeks he has very rapidly whittled that down to, well, more or less nothing. i honestly cannot remember why i married him or why i stayed with him as long as i did. i hate everything about him. his voice, his face, his music... i just hate him.
it is so strange to be going through these emotions. i have never felt such a severe distaste for anyone in my life. i have never felt the need to ensure i see them as little as possible for fear of it ruining my day. the day he moves out cannot come soon enough.
well, that's it, really... thank you world for letting me turn twenty-five and here's to another twenty-five years!