Sunday, 22 November 2009

the said marriage has broken down irretrivably...

so... today i have decided to finish a task i was gifted last week... a task i didn't think was going to bother me as much as it has.

you see, in this divorce, chris and i agreed that HE would fill out and file the paperwork with the courts because, as a 'low income' individual, we would be able to have the divorce for free (and who doesn't love cutting costs, even when it comes to the untimely death of a marriage?!). so for the last nine weeks i have been waiting for him to get the paperwork filled out so we could get this fucking show on the road.

needless to say, he has since become *cough* preoccupied. all his time seems to be devoted either to playing music with mark and lester, smoking with mat fixit or doing whatever it is that he does with man-face. every day he is in the house i remind him that we had agreed to get the paperwork done as quickly as possible so as to not have this hanging around our necks any longer than needed. every day i ask him if he has any idea when he will actually start the paperwork. and every day he would tell me that he was onto it.

after many harassments, he broke down and told me that he HAD started it but that he was still waiting for his pay slips to prove he is low income. upon the arrival of his pay slips he was unsure if the courts would accept them as proof so i told him that he should contact the Derby Law Centre and ask them, as they would be able to give clear advice on it.

this was about three weeks ago.

i finally snapped last week and went into his room and asked for him to show me what he had actually done so far and to tell me a precise date that he would have the paperwork finished and ready to send in. as he was talking to man-face when i came in, he refused to offer me any form of comfort surrounding this topic, just that he would do it... 'eventually.'

i told him that if he did not give me a date, i would file it myself and it would not be free and he would be liable to pay half of the costs, to which he immediately hopped to attention and told me that he would NOT pay anything and i should just fill out the paperwork for him.

being the wonderfully kind creature i am, i obliged. i obliged and now wish i hadn't.

i wish i hadn't because of section thirteen. section thirteen has ruined my life.

i started filling the paperwork out three days ago and was happy to name the petitioner (chris), the respondent (danie), the article under which the court has jurisdiction ('the petitioner and respondent  are both habitually resident in england or wales') and the reason the marriage  had broken down irretrievably ('the respondent has behaved in such a way that the petitioner cannot reasonably be expected to live with the respondent.'). all of that was fine... i could cope with that... it was when it came to section thirteen that i had to fold it up and put it back on my shelf until today.

section thirteen calls for the 'particulars' of the divorce... it is a space for you to give details of the allegations which are being used to prove the facts given in the previous paragraph.

so, essentially, i am having to fill out this court document claiming why i have behaved in such a way that chris  cannot be expected to live with me anymore... there is just no way to explain the levels of fucked-up this is. no way to.... i just don't know. i feel like a fucking mug who is just being forced into slating herself because chris won't do it himself. it really has fucked with my self-esteem. it is just emotional terrorism at it's best and he doesn't even see it. he doesn't care, as long as he can come home on monday, sign the form i shed many a tear for and then take it to the fucking court house. easy for him, all he had to do is go spend the weekend with man-face and come home to have all of it taken care of as if some magical divorce fairy came in and sorted it all out.

in other news, i love the muffin. he is beautiful and just the most beautiful little creature in the world.

it's been an emotional couple of days... thinking about the move and our history and our future. i kinda had a bit of a freak out the other night because i got to thinking about why it has taken him so long to finally come home to me... to finally realize that danie is the one who will love him like no other.

like, overall, i ask more questions than anyone ever in the world anyways, because i like questions and facts. so the other night i sat down and asked him as many questions as i could. since we've started talking again we haven't really discussed the past or the things he's done. they have more-or-less just gone without mention because of our love... because of this burning, amazing excitement and adoration. every so often though, my head takes charge and i remember that he HAS done things in the past to hurt me and i need to remember those things so i don't become to humble or have my heart broken again.

so i asked him about all the details. he obliged with a little reluctance, telling me everything he was going through and what thoughts were going through his head. the things he said didn't make me feel better, but they seemed to quell the hurt that i was feeling.

the biggest problem with the muffin is that when i show any slight tinges of what could be taken as doubt or hesitation he freaks out. i try to explain to him that no matter what i say or what questions i have, they are in no way a reflection of what i plan to do with my future. i just heart answers and still feel very lost about all the things that happened through the years. i just want to understand it so we can  move forward. i explained to him that no matter what he's done, i will still be moving back to be with him, that we will still pursue our future of glory, just that i will be fragile and hesitant from time to time until we can properly start mending the wounds i have scattered across my heart and mind from him.

i tried to explain it like, i need a special kind of stitches, the kind that dissolve and are made of lovely things, to mend the wounds i have. i explained that he is the only person that has these stitches and that we cannot properly start the re-constructive surgery until we are able to touch and be together. i have had words before and they've broken me... i need something tangible now, something REAL and that i can feel.

we then proceeded to discuss all the foods i will be wanting to have in the house at all times and what kinds of adventures we will be partaking in when we live together. i can't help but think that living with this boy is going to be the funnest, most wonderful thing in the world. we have so many of the same ideas and plans that it would be a crime against the universe for us to not give this a shot.

last wednesday saw me over at pow pow's for our weekly movieomgfuntime date. upon my arrival it was evident that we had both been stricken down with coughs and angry noses, so we proceeded to drink cups of tea and feel sorry for ourselves.

now, it is important for all the readers to know that during each of our last like, five movie dates we have been at the mercy of his horrific dvd player, which he had been gifted by dave (of dreadlocks and a magical singing voice) because it was 'slightly temperamental.' this dvd player would soon become the bane of our existence, sometimes forcing you to open and close the dvd tray for an hour until it decided to play it.

wednesday was no different. upon my arrival we started the slow process of trying to get one of the six dvds we wanted to watch to play, changing them on a rotating basis and speaking to the muffin whilst we did this. after about six cups of tea each and two hours we FINALLY got a dvd to play and we celebrated with an excellent cuddle and by having pow pow be the first person to draw in my hourglass tattoo i got for him. the movie was enjoyed and to ensure we got as much out of the dvd as possible we watched all the special features and commentary.

once we had exhausted all the possibilities for that particular dvd we started the long process of trying to get another dvd to work. after forty-five minutes it was nearly one in the morning and pow pow suggested we get a taxi out to the local 24-hour supermarket and procure a new dvd player. we sniggered about this for a short time before deciding that it was the best idea ever and we got all bundled up and called a taxi.

we arrived at the supermarket and pranced through the aisles, stopping only for him to pose with miscellaneous electronics and then found our way to the cheapest dvd player in the world. who KNEW entertainment could come as cheap as seventeen pounds?!

after purchasing the new dvd player and some benylin we skipped back to the taxi and back to his house. we bundled in and i made cups of tea whilst he did the manly electronic things and we sat down to watch a dvd that played without any problems for the first time in ages.

i am going to miss my pow pow so much. i have decided that he will be the single-hardest person for me to leave when i move. he's the best friend an american princess can have and i'd not trade him in for any of the other people in the world.

so, danie has officially been smoke-free for seven days and is only now feeling better. it was mostly my fault though, as on my birthday i decided the best way to stop smoking would be to go out with a bang. saturday saw me smoke most likely 40 fags and a cuban cigar. by the time sunday rolled around i actually thought i was going to die and had no desire to smoke. monday unveiled a whole new level of wonder in the form of coughing up blood. my lungs have since healed and i am feeling better for it. i have to say, i have desperately wanted a fag, more than anything ever, but i am not going to give in. it will be for the best in the long run.

i guess that's it... i shall now lie on my bed and watch a film until the muffin comes online. i am perfectly content at the moment.


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