Interview with myself...

i stumbled across a fabulous website the other day that is full of really inspirational lists and cannot help but think that given where i am today, i should assess my life and perhaps evaluate why i am as happy as i am... please see below:

1. What Do You Do For A Living?
my official job title is 'Casenotes Investigation Lead and Team Administrator.' that essentially breaks down like this... i work in the records department at the local psychiatric hospital (mental asylum) and am paid to read records most of the day. when i am not investigation people's mental health problems, i can be found writing policies and procedures, performing stock-checks of our CPA (Care Plan Approach) documents, filling out countless incident forms and investigating the loss of files.

outside of work i prance. i prance and i create. i live to create and make people smile.

2. Who Do You Love?
i think this might be the hardest question ever... i love SO many people. so many people for so many reasons. i could never, ever find the time or amount of pages to list everyone, but i shall try. please see a collection of people that i love named below:

alastair powers, jane hallam, danish muffin, john goncalves, vic potterton, antoinette burchill, eleanor field, lee howes, jaacq hugo, stephanie smith, ashley arneson, karl beattie, paul marshall, james pritchard, bean, luke winn, jen galvan, sarah mabry, jessi whitley, theo mcnaboe, claire gorman, mark urban, jerry hope, george harris, hannah zair, dave lewis, lester norton, tracey bee, mark dixon, ladonna schrock, heyward schrock, carmen garrett, paige garrett, even foster, gloria oldfield, vada bartel, clinton bartel, arlene stevens, sharon stevenson, george stevens, kyle stevens, christy stevens, melissa brobby, thuy, nick parker, tony barnes, shelby coulter, challis orme, maral deghati, louis verlaque, jeremy wert, eric beeman, michael bachelder, john butcher, dawn tonks, kevin shay, chris poch, kasey orr, charlie romijn, chris tree, tracey meek, julie west, kelly holmes, claire stewart, james wagner, alex bowen, yvonne platts, angela bell goode, thomas thompson, paul waggener, JR garrett, deej dharwal,

3. Do You Have Enough Money?
well, i make enough to get by happily. with the amount of money that i make, i can easily pay my bills and have enough left over to live a life that is comfortable and slightly extravagant. i guess i WILL need more in the coming months in order for me to be able to buy my citizenship and get myself back to america, but at the moment, i am content.

4. Are You Healthy?
i think i could be healthier, but i am fairly content with my levels of health. my mental health is pretty tip-top and i eat okay and i exercise a good amount. i guess i could exercise more, if i REALLY wanted to be like, super-healthy, but i am really quite content with my health levels at the moment.

5. Do You Think You Are a Good Person?
i honestly do. i spent an extended period in a treatment facility and whilst there, i learned a massive amount about patience, empathy and love. i am someone who really KNOWS that neither i nor anyone else can ALWAYS be perfect and happy and is okay with that. i accept people for who they are and love them no matter what.  i am overall a very forgiving and helpful person who gives as good as she receives. i am inherently happy and exist in my life from one delightful person/thing/feeling to the next and i circulate love and glee wherever i can and really try to help people who i feel need it. in a nutshell, yes, i think i am fairly fabulous.

6. How Old Are You?
officially, i am twenty-five years, nineteen days and about seven hours old.

mentally, i feel so much older. i feel that because of my upbringing, i was forced to grow up much quicker than most people; that, alongside all of the other things i have done in my life, would perhaps force someone to perceive me as maybe... uhhh... thirty? i get 'thirty' a lot. i have experienced a lot of things in my life, and while i am by no means claiming i have had it tougher, i know that that has helped me develop perhaps more than most people my age. i am happy with this and will continue to live and learn and age mentally and physically.

7. Who’s Your Best Friend?
i have a shocking amount of best friends... i will have to give each of them a mention because it wouldn't be fair for me not to. i need to make sure they all knew how much they mean to me...

the muffin... he is just numero uno... numero uno because he has my heart and cares for it so gently. i met him when i was fifteen outside of the mcdonald's on east lincolnway and fell in love with him instantly. since then he has always been a constant, praying thought on my mind. he is such a gentle, wonderful, supportive creature who i can't help but love no matter what he does. he and i are the same person and i love that i have been allowed by the universe to find him. many people aren't given that opportunity, and i was.

 powers... i know i go on about him a lot, but, like the muffin, he is someone that i love no matter what he does. i met him on november 19th 2004 and immediately knew that he would be someone who would be massive in my life. i knew from the first syllable out of his mouth that he was someone i would be able to trust and love limitless amounts and he has not disappointed. our friendship has been the one constant since the day after i moved to england. he has always been there for me and is someone i know i will have countless more moviedates and adventures with. i love him big time, nay, massive time.

janey... there are just not enough words in the english or thai language to be able to explain how much i heart this female. my friendship with her is like no other. i remember the first time i met her in person... she was just... she is just so beautiful. i feel so fortunate that i have found her. that i have been given the chance to meet her and participate in so many amazing adventures with her. she has been a fucking rock for me through a lot of stuff and is someone that i will be devastated to leave when i do finally move. i think the fucking world of her. she has been one of the main factors that has made me who i am today and for that i am eternally fucking greatful. (apparantly, she also makes me curse a lot?)

ashley... my ashley. where does one begin? i met her in speech class a year before i properly met her. we spoke in passing for about three weeks before i was taken out of public school. the next year i would see her again and learn what a special creature she is. i still have the very first note she wrote to me from our very first away speech meet where we INSISTED that we be allowed to 'sleep together.' we were a force to be reckoned with and were almost completely inseparable for the rest of that school year and the following summer. i am sure we gave mr. starks at LEAST five strokes and offended more than twenty-dozen people. from our late-night village inn dates (with ranch dressing ON THE SIDE!!) to our countless thrift adventures (where we were justifiably dubbed the most energetic shoppers ever), she has remained the best friend THIS beast has ever had. for all the wicked things she has seen me do and all the wonderful things she has helped me become, i am greatful. i cannot wait to prance back to cheyenne and burst an english-shaped hole back into the lives of all the people at the arc, village inn, plato's closet, salvation army and sanford's with my favourite beast by my side. i have learned in a very round-about way what a special creature she is and i will never, ever let her out of my life again. i want to make up for all this lost time and WILL. thank you ashley. thank you so much.

hannah... what a beautiful, wonderfully gentle creature. she is everything i wish i could be with my mental health problems. she always seems so together and strong, even when things are the hardest. she has been a force that could ground me when i felt like everything was spiraling out of control. i love this girl more than most people for what she has been through and what she has helped me through. GOD it is going to be hard to leave her.

paige... she is me, but fifteen years younger. this girl knows everything about me and loves me unconditionally. she is beautiful, fucking smart and so special to me. i love her so much and wish that i hadn't been such a crappy aunt during my time out here... she deserves better and i will make sure that before i move out to washington she is shown that as often as possible.

8. What’s Your Childhood Dream?
like most children, i had many dreams. i remember a few... the big ones. things like... i always wanted to move to england and i always wanted to befriend a tattooist so i could get lots of free or cheap tattoos. those dreams have absolutely become a reality for me. of all the things that i could have wished for as a child, i could have never imagined that they would have turned out the way they have. no child could imagine a future as full of wonder, friends, cupcakes and tattoos as i have made.

9. How Often Do You Laugh?
literally, i laugh constantly, particularly lately. like, if i had to allocate an amount of time i spend during a day laughing, i would say like, five to seven hours a day? i love to laugh. it makes me feel amazing and releases such happy endorphins.

10. What Makes You Smile?
mmm... most things make me smile. i shall name as many as i can think of right this instant...

this question, the muffin, pow pow, puppies, letters from people, excellent music, good memories, photos of my mum, thinking about my future, dane cook, the muffin's voice, larry david, chevy, getting cards from people, reading my lists, finding a penny that's head's up, taxidermy, moustaches, lush products, novelty mugs, seeing a rabbit yawn, zombie films, tatty nick nacks, spreadsheets, stationary, katie price, really fast internet connections, really camp men, boys in glasses, eye contact, letters from paige, imagining all the things i'd do if i won the lottery, going on a spending spree on payday, documentaries, being a loose cannon, when i've successfully stretched a piercing, good penmanship, feeling like i've made a good decision, corey mcabee, giant beards, thinking about what i'd do or say if i ever got the chance to meet the queen of england, pens that are loose on the inside so they make noise when you write with them, road trips, remembering something from my childhood because of a smell, memory foam pillows, the smell of new carpet, saving snails from impending doom, watching people eat my baked goods, video games with no life-count, photos of people smoking, good noses, watching films from my childhood, all my THINGS, holding chevy like a baby, normanton arboretum, hulk hogan, cleaning my ears with a cotton bud after a bath, the sound of fake sugar dissolving in a cup of tea, microfibre cloth, writing lists, books with bookmarks built in, when a cinema or movie date with pow pow actually happens, wasabi, when i get a new list, the japan centre, dim sum with janey, all my memories of the disabled dogs i had growing up, good grammar, enunciation, carbon paper, the fact that 'lips' and 'kiss' are interchangeable on predictive text, witnessing amazing things, staying in a hotel, leggings, when i finish a crochet project, slight imperfections in teeth, ali's face when he sings, good sound control at a gig, 'we heart katamari,' when erasable pens actually erase, films being played in rewind, REALLY tall escalators, bacon flavour fries, having a name badge, having a wee whilst i am drunk, cuddling someone whilst i am drunk, imagining how sassy i'd be if i was black, strobe lights, the 'spit' that lavender plants generate as they are starting to bud, extra-thick milk shakes, walking in the sun on a cold day, walking in the shade on a hot day, when i can hear the singer draw breaths on a recording, my cleavage, the pollen that builds up on a bee's legs, brick walls that have warped over time, watching people look in a mirror when they don't know anyone else is watching, going shopping for a specific item and actually coming home with it, grape chapstick, creamy cocktails, the sound wood pigeons make when they fly, magpies, watching the bubbles go in a fizzy drink, songs with great lyrics, stepping on berries and crab apples on the pavement, getting blood drawn, the way a wasp's legs dangle when they fly, having my face touched, hannah zair cuddles, scribbling over things, collages, muscle cars, learning what things interest other people, desperate housewives, feeling warm copier paper cool in my hands, when people call me 'dan dan,' when i get my makeup JUST RIGHT, ticking things off of a to-do list, REALLY glittery eyeshadow, when i meet someone who loves henry rollins as much as i do, sassy lesbians, the smell of american money, listening to people breathe, watching stand-up comedy with someone and seeing what they laugh at, banjos, watching people's lips move when they play guitar, the fact that the muffin has found his way back to me, making fun of man-face, when the muffin's little icon pops up when he comes online, chinese buns, the amount of win my 25th birthday was made of, alastair's handwriting, when people state actual facts in songs and scented tissues.

11. Who’s Your Most Dangerous Enemy?
well, i don't know if he can be defined so much as an 'enemy' but more as someone who i don't get on with anymore... the estranged. i also don't know if he can be defined as 'dangerous,' but he is absolutely the person that knows a lot of little things about me and has the potential to use it against me in a way that would be less flattering than i would hope.

12. Where Do You Live?

i live at number 7 palmerston street and am very pleased about that fact. my house is perfect and seems to have been made for me to live in it... from it's built-in bookshelves to the hearts on the bannisters, i love this house and all the little things that make it special. i feel very much like this house, this city, this country... they are my home. they are that one thing that people are so often searching for. this place that i live, it is where i always dreamed of living and it is beautiful and special to me for a million different reasons. i have no doubt in my mind that once i have moved back to america i will absolutely come back just so i can walk down normanton high street again or so i can get a chicken breast sandwich from the guildhall. i love derby and every single little thing about it.

13. Do You Think You’re Strong?
i think, absolutely! i feel like in my life i have taken a great deal of things in stride and been willing to accept them and learn from them with little or no resistance. this divorce has been a pivitol event for me as it has really shown me what i am capable of taking on whilst still coming out even better at the other end.

14. What Was The Most Important Thing You’ve Done So Far?
well, i feel there have been two things in my life that have been monumental for the shaping of me.

first was my decision to move to england. had i not done that, i have no idea where i would be or what kind of a person i would be. i cannot imagine what my life would be like if i didn't have all my most special creatures by my side or if i didn't know who the magnetic fields were. my life as i know it today is primarily the way it is due to the fact that i got on that plane that november morning in 2004.

the second has yet to be defined completely, but i FEEL like it is going to be massive... this divorce and all the decisions i have made since are going to make my life... amazing. i think the divorce was the best thing i could have done for myself and this, re-lighting this old flame with the muffin is just... there are no words for how amazing it will be. i will most assuredly keep you updated on how all of this goes, but i have no doubt in my mind that this MIGHT supercede my decision to move to england.

15. What Was The Most Stupid Thing You’ve Done So Far?
there are a few things i've done that weren't EXCELLENT, but i wouldn't say anything i've done was 'stupid,' per say. like, i think staying with chris after the incident last year was not my best decision, but if i hadn't stayed with him, i wouldn't have gone to slovakia or met certain people or learned about certain bands, so i don't wish i HADN'T done it. i don't really know that i can define anything i have ever done as 'stupid' purely because without those things and decisions, i wouldn't be where i am today.

16. Do You Love Yourself?

i honestly, and truthfully do. i adore most everything that makes danie, danie. i love my hair, my attitude, my sense of humour, my creative abilities, my clothes, my rack, my face, my love for all things all the time, my everything. i really do love myself very much.

17. What Do You Fear The Most?
umm... all of my fears are very, uhhh, silly. i have very few really serious fears. i guess if i had to name one, i am terrified that the muffin will make another bad decision and fuck all of this up. i am so, absolutely horrified at the thought that all of this energy that i have put into this will have been in vain if he just decides to do one silly thing. i want this SO bad and it will completely break me if it falls apart.

18. What Is Your Favorite Word?
ohhh... i love lots of words, words i use on a daily basis... they can be seen below:

jerk. flaps, chuff, mince, prance, beast, blatantly, clearly, unbelievable, outrageous and adore.

19. When Was The Last Time You Cried?
two days ago. chris wound me up to no end and i just had to excuse myself to the lounge to have a bit of a frustrated sob. it wasn't a sad cry... just the cry of an incredibly annoyed girl. after that short sob i couldn't seem to stop... i spoke to the muffin and we talked about love and i wept, he sent me a video of himself, i wept... i was a trainwreck.

20. What Is The Best Thing That Could Happen To You Right Now?
if my grandma lent me the money i have asked her for i would be like, miles ahead of where i am right now. i sent her a letter last week asking her for a rather handsome sum of money. were she to lend me this money i would be able to buy my citizenship, put the deposit on shipping my stuff back to america and pay for the muffin to have an even MORE glorious time when he comes to visit in march. that money would help me in leaps and bounds.

21. What Is The Worst Thing That Could Happen To You Right Now?
perhaps something involving the muffin making a terrible decision. it would devastate me emotionally... devastate me, but i guess i would survive. i have survived so many other times. ummm... perhaps if the landlord were to say he wants me out of the house in january. that would be pretty horrible. i don't know what i would do with myself.

22. Picture Yourself 5 Years From Now...
mmm... december 3rd 2014. at the moment i am seeing danie and the muffin having just decorated for christmas in their house. perhaps participatwing in a lot of shopping dates and snuggling in really warm under a fabulous 'mink' blanket on the sofa for moviedates that feature foot rubs, raspberry mint hot chocolate and tickles. i am seeing danie doing a lot of pre-christmas baking and perhaps creating a lot of toys and things for molly, her ashley and her british beasts. i can see us living in washington in a precious little house with our still young-acting sausage dog prancing around our feet in the kitchen as we cook meals together and sleeping under the table as we sort out the bills and christmas cards. i am seeing wonderful new beginnings and the most beautiful future anyone could ever dream of.

23. Do You Regret Anything?
honestly, i do not regret one single thing that has ever happened in my life. i am so, outrageously content with every aspect of my day-to-day at the moment and i hate to think what missing out on any one little aspect of my past might have changed it. i love my life and i love even the tiniest little strokes that has made this painting as beautiful as it is today.

24. What’s The First Thing You Do In The Morning?
the instant my alarm goes off i grab my mobile (where my alarm lives) and contemplate for the next five seconds whether or not i should press 'snooze.' after i've decided not to sleep later i bumble my way to my computer and turn it on... i put on chapstick, wash my face and check my emails... it is all really, very exciting.

25. What Are You Thinking Just Before Going To Bed?
lately i tend to just lie there and make myself giddy thinking a combination of thoughts about the muffin... about what it will be like to see him again and how i would be laying if he was there with me. i am sad and in love, don't judge me.

26. What Was The Highest Point You’ve Ever Been To?
hrmmm... perhaps it was when i climbed to the top of vedauwoo with the estranged. it was an amazing feeling to be able to look down and see all the fog settling over the park.

27. If There’s One Thing In Your Life You Want To Change Right Now, What Is It?
the muffin's relative distance from me. instant gratification ahoy!

28. What Are You Proud Of?
myself and the person i am today. i feel like today, at this very moment i am JUST where i should be with my life. not behind, not ahead, just exactly where i need to be. i am so proud of myself for having been brave enough to take the chances i have and for having befriended the people i have and just generally for being myself.

29. Sum Up Your Life In One Sentence
my life has been outrageously fulfilling and worth every moment.


30. Name The Thing That Annoys You The Most
when people take fucking ages to answer me. i HATE it when i ask someone something and they spend ages NOT answering me straight away. i like it when people use gut responses and when they take like, five minutes to pick what film they want to watch or what time they want to go to dinner it drives me bloody mental!

31. What Is Your No 1 Question To God?
i would ask him if he would write me a list.

32. Do You Have Secrets?
not overall, no. i never, ever go out of my way to hide things from people, someone just ends up getting hurt and that is never fun. i guess the only thing in my life that i am keeping only slightly turned down is stuff surrounding the muffin. and that is purely because HIS estranged is a little crazy and MAY destroy a lot of his things if she knew he and i were talking again. but even with that, i'm not being THAT secret. i guess it is more HIS secret than mine. so no, i have no secrets.

33. What Makes You Laugh?
the muffin ALWAYS has the ability to make me laugh. literally, no matter what kind of funk i am in, he makes my face hurt from all the smiles.

34. Are You Happy?
so, SO happy. like, words cannot even describe how happy i am. i just feel like at any moment i could cry because i am just THAT full of emotion and love and glee. i haven't been this happy in years. years and years and i am so pleased that it has finally come back to me.