fanks...

it's Thursday and it's the end of November, which means it MUST be Thanksgiving again.

Thanksgiving 2011 is notably better than the last two, by leaps and bounds... the original plan was for the McBlowmes to join forces with the Lunas to create a small, special day for the four of us to hang out and be thankful in the privacy of Sarah's kitchen and disablity-friendly apartment. plans change though, and the plans for a foursome turned to a sextette with the idea that we go to the home of Liz and Troy (Liz being tiny, asian and wonderful and Troy being tattoo'd, hysterical and completely fascinating to Muffin, given the fact that he is virtually a doctor who is our age and covered in tattoos... we met them when helping Sarah and Randy move house a couple of months ago.), given that they had unbelievable amounts of space in their new house and nobody else to share the holiday with.

it was with this that we all collectively created a Thanksgiving superdinner.

we ate, we were merry and wildly inappropriate. it was a wonderful night.

anyways, it's late now and i am typing with a stuffed belly, a buzzed mind and an overly-tired head, needing rest and snuggles, so have my list of things i am thankful for...

Job... probably the biggest news in my life at the moment... i've got a job, an actual job where i get to interact with people and take part in activities that i am paid for. the job came to be the best birthday present i could have hoped to receive from anyone when the HR Manager rang me and told me i had the job and asked if i could start the next day. i could, so i did. i've now been working for just over a week and i couldn't be happier. it's exhausting, but oh so wonderful to finally be able to come home at the end of a shift and feel like i actually accomplished something. it will be all the more special next week when i get my first official paycheck and i can finally feel like i am able to contribute to the McBlowme household.
Angel... the sister i didn't know i was missing... she found me a little less than a year ago and there is nothing i could be more happy about. she's such a special person and having her and her mother as a part of my life right now means more to me than they could ever know.
LaDonna... the sister i always had... the biggest, most amazingly beautiful shining star in my life's sky, she's fun, understanding and everything i could ever hope for in a best friend and sister (yeah, it makes me sound mushy and stuff, but i love my sister. she's special to me and i'd never, ever trade her in for anything or anyone, not even... nope, i can't even THINK of anything that could compare to her).
Muffin... the love of my life and my favourite reason to wake up every morning. he makes every single part of every day perfect just by being him.
Sarah... my bff, not just in Washington, but mostly everywhere. she's always there to talk to and listen and be wildly inappropriate with. she knows me so stupidly well and i love her for that.
Randy... mostly because we had a really special bonding session last night that came from a great talk and lots of hugs. he's a wonderful guy and i'm happy Sarah's married to him.
Diet Dr Pepper
my ability to make gravy... yeah, i can swoop into ANY household with a gravy-related issue and whip it right into shape, almost as if nothing was ever wrong.
cardigans... because SWEET MERCIFUL JESUS it's been goddamned cold here lately!
rain
sweet tea
Zyrtec
my memories... because they are pretty much the only thing i have left to hold on to anymore from England and from the last seven years of my life, my memories and photos. i'm missing things harder than usual right now and i feel so alone, but the memories i hold on to, they really dull that pain.
government benefits... because, for the love of god, had it not been for them, the last year would have been so much more ridiculously difficult for us... the foodstamps, unemployment and food bank really have made a lot of parts of our lives much easier and when i finally get the chance to step on a solid ground, i plan to contribute everything i can to the local food banks and whatever other charities i can. they make a massive difference and there is absolutely no shame in having to admit defeat and get help.

bleh. i need sleep. i may die.

i really hope everyone's thankful day was wonderful and full of yum yums and cuddles and love.

<3

82001

fifteen days i've been back... the longest i've been in this postal code since 2003.

i'm back and it has been a flurry of excitement, emotion and hugs.

my emotions have been on overdrive, primarily due to my stupid womb and secondarily, because i am back here and i don't have to rush around to see everyone... i can pace myself and plan playdates without a mega-rush on things because i still have another two weeks here.

from the moment i arrived back in the Mountain Standard time-zone my chest felt tight... i walked out of the terminal a completely different person than the girl who left that April afternoon back in 2008... no longer married, at least twenty more tattoos, pink coiff, less weight.
i braced myself for the first gaze my sister would cast upon me. i walked around the airport terrified and recalling the conversation she and i had had only fifteen hours prior when i asked her if she knew what i looked like and what to keep an eye out for at the airport (as it is obvious that it would be hard to spot ME in a crowd). she laughed and said that she had an idea and that she wanted to make sure she looked as normal as possible because everyone would be staring at us and she didn't want to have a wedgie or shit in her teeth whilst we were the centre of the DIA world.

i stood as everyone was greeted by family and friends.

i stood whilst everyone picked up their luggage from the carousel.

i stood, momentarily concerned that LaDonna had forgotten about me and that the airline had forgotten about me and i was doomed to sit in that airport for the entire four weeks until i could go home.

then i saw them. LaDonna and Heyward (her husband and delightful creature) came through the double doors and smiled.

the rest of the evening was spent talking about my travels, my divorce and Muffin. we ate steak and i snoozed slightly in between singing along to the seemingly flawless DJing on the late-night radio station we were listening to.

in the time since then i have seen many special faces, ones i've not seen in years or ones i've never met before but wanted to. ones that i hope i get to see more before i move back across the ocean. Ashley, Justin, Beeman, Stevie, Jamie... tonight, my evening will be starring Scotty, Emma and Jaimal, which thrills me more than most things. i've been attempting to envelope myself in memories, places and things.

two days after arriving i went walking by myself and strolled by my old house, the street i learned to ride a bike on and the places i used to work. i walked and remembered everything... all the little tiny things that built up my childhood and teenage years.

Muffin has come and gone since i've been back. he left Monday and we spent the four days we had together re-living the memories of eight years ago. it was our first time together again in Cheyenne, something we've both been attempting to orchestrate, since our last playdate back in 2002.

we walked past the road where we had our first kiss, stopping to hold hands and remember the way the mustang hummed as he leaned over to give me the first of a billion. we walked to the place we very first met and held one another, recalling the clothes we were wearing and what we thought when we first saw one another. he drunkenly walked with me past my old house again... a late-night walk that left my emotions raw, but made me realize how close we are. we walked to the back of the house and recalled where he used to sneak in and i pointed out which rooms were which before weeping slightly and having him take me into a massive bear hug and walk me the rest of the way back to LaDonna's house.

sometimes even now it all seems so foreign to me... i'll see his face and it'll take me back to that July in 2001 when we first started dating. when i walked into the McDonald's where he was employed and he made excuses to come to the front of the store to talk to me. i still can't believe it's real occasionally.

so many things have changed... marriages, tattoos, oceans, wars, deaths, children.

i saw one of his children for the first time ever on sunday. something i hadn't anticipated but something i am happy happened. i was frozen with terror when i saw an exact carbon copy of Muffin rolling towards the car on his scooter as Muffin got out and walked to that log-adorned house. i didn't know what to do or say. LaDonna asked me what was up as we pulled away and i poured out my heart... i poured it all over her and her car and the street and the beautiful blue day. i talked about the kids and the fate of my womb and our history and future and everything. she was unbelievably supportive and made me feel like i was going to be okay. she told me that if we were meant to have kids then we would.

it was with that that i realized that all the fears i had surrounding LaDonna hating him were not going to come to fruition. all that worrying and fretting was completely in vain. she seemed to like him. we talked about Muffin during the rest of our shopping excursion and until we pulled back up to the house to retrieve him. i watched as Ryu hugged him and i braced myself to freak out but i didn't. all i wanted to do was get out of the car and hug Muffin because i could see, as he walked away from his middle child, that his heart was sore.

we got home and laid in bed to have the conversation that was bound to happen... about his kids and us and how i felt. he cried and i held him, feeling okay, which is not what i expected. i just held him and we talked about the kids and how i felt about seeing Ryu and what we would do the rest of the day. it was really okay and despite the initial terror i felt, i reckon i will be okay. the next big hurdle will be Molly in December, and i reckon that'll be slightly harder... no, astronomically harder, but worth it. he tries so often to shelter me from his children and i really don't need that. i need to know they're there and make my peace with that fact, otherwise this, him and me, we won't work. i can't ignore it.

anyways, back to 82001.

i'm here and i'm going through a massive internal scrapbook that has built-up countless entries since the day i was born... i've gone through hundreds of photos, at least a dozen of my mum's boxes and the last of my belongings that were left here when i moved away. it's been a special trip and one that i absolutely needed.

thank you Cheyenne, for the memories. let's be sure to do this again.

really, really

Today marks one week… 

Seven days… 

168 hours… 

10,080 minutes…

604,800 seconds until I get to see him… 

Give or take a few thousand seconds.


At this specific time, in seven days, if he isn’t already in my arms, I will be a complete basket case. I will be checking my mobile every two seconds, prepared to completely lose it when that one special call finally does come through… 

Next Friday morning he will be leaving Iraq destined for Kuwait and then leaving Kuwait destined for Germany where he will then learn the specific details of his flight and ring me with the phone card I will be purchasing for him in the next two days. When that call comes a chain reaction will be set off that will feature danie hysterically bumbling around whatever locale she is in and then ringing Hannah and Dave to squeal at them and plan the picking up of the love of my life. 

I can feel it already… the hysteria building. It became embarrassing this morning when I was preparing for work and kept shouting at Stacey that he was going to be here NEXT WEEKEND and OMGINEEDTOTIDY! i just keep repeating to myself that he is going to be here NEXT weekend and that I only have to wait a matter of DAYS until he arrives now… 

This event that I never, ever thought was going to happen, me seeing dane again… it’s about to happen and I am beginning to feel the nervous twinges in my tummy about it. I don’t actually even KNOW what I’m nervous about… I’m just feeling very tense about the whole thing. 

Like, I am sure I am building it up to be more than it needs to be, but good LORD… this boy that I fell in love with all those years ago and haven’t SEEN but wondered about and pined after for JUST shy of eight years (tomorrow, actually will OFFICIALLY be eight years since I saw him in person, which is alarming in and of itself.) will be in my house, in my bed, holding my hand in just seven DAYS. This boy that has always been an almost magical creature (in that he swept into my life, altered it dramatically and then left regularly, all without being seen) will finally… sigh…  I’m trying to build up some image for you of how huge this is for me… it’s just not working. 

Dane will be here in seven days and this, all of this, it’s something I never actually imagined would happen. I never, ever thought I was going to have the opportunity to see him again. I had resigned myself to believe that that last night, back in 2002 was going to be the last time that I saw him again for the rest of my life. I wish there were more things I could remember about it… I remember almost all of it with perfect clarity, but there is more… so much more I wish I could have remembered. We just tried to scramble too many things into that last seven minutes… I wish I had looked at his eyes more. I wish I could remember better what they looked like in person. 

Prior to our last meeting, the last time we saw one another in person was some weekday in September 2001. I had been in the home for nearly two months and had been granted the ‘luxury’ of going to public school. Dane picked me up one morning with a bunch of roses and a card. I presented him with the blanket that I had toiled over for the previous two months and we got in his car and went back to the place he was staying. We snuggled under the blanket in all of its six-foot by nine- foot glory and pushed our toesies through the holes in it. We talked and kissed and cried. 

One month before that I was retrieved from the home to ‘pick up’ some of my stuff… I diverted the driver (one of my mum’s friends) to the house dane was staying at at the time. we pulled up and I said I wouldn’t be long. I went up the stairs and walked in to see him sleeping… I watched him for exactly two minutes and then kissed his face in the sunlight. I remember exactly how his face looked. He smiled and as soon as the haze of slumber lifted he held me… so tight. i remember exactly how he smelled and just what his face looked like, still with the tiny creases from the pillow pressed on his cheek, just next to his left eye. 


every single moment that he and i spent together seemed to have been made completely of magic... obviously, some of the emotions i feel about the time we spent together are as a result of nostalgia... my brain associating all the special memories with the freedom of youth and learning about a new love... 


but dane... he's different. i've had boys come and go in my life and nobody has ever left an impression like he has. i have never loved anybody like i loved him... being taken away from him that day in july was horrific. not being able to see him but knowing he was out there, somewhere... it was agony.

I am now caught up in the final whirlwind of preparation prior to his arrival… I will be going and buying the last bits and pieces that I want to make sure I have in the house for his visit, getting his SIM card so’s he can have a mobile and tidying up the house so it looks slightly less shocking. 

i guess the most i can say is i am now in a state of shock... i can't believe this is actually happening... that in a week's time i will finally be able to plug my heart back in to it's adaptor for re-charging... i need it, the battery is super-low...

8: love my life: for my beautiful memories...

my life seems to be one constant beautiful memory… every single thing that happens in my life is just another piece of the puzzle that makes my life as blissfully fabulous as it is.. I guess the best way to do this entry justice would be for me to list the things in my life that have caused me beautiful memories… this’ll be a long one. Brace yourself

• My mum… it is difficult to pick out individual memories… I recall so many magical little things that made everything with her beautiful. I remember as a child I would always say that the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life was my mum sleeping and I still reckon that holds a spot in the top five. I loved her face… her laugh and smile. There are a flurry of memories from my childhood especially that were made distinctive because of my mum… things like trips to crazy horse mountain or summer visits to embassy suites. When she was still able to drive I remember car rides with her being miraculous… we would sing and talk and there was NEVER anything I couldn’t talk to her about. I remember the months prior to my moving to the UK, how I would go visit her in the home at least once a week and we would eat and sit around and watch films or telly… those days with her were the most special because we had so many of them and because she always made me feel so loved. I remember the last time I saw her in person… November 19^th 2004… that was the morning I left for England. She was devastated. I remember how her face looked, how hard she held me and what she smelled like. I remember the last time I spoke to her… It was horrific, but I would have regretted it for the rest of my life had I not rung her that night. She told me how much she loved me, that I meant everything to her…. My mum was the most wonderfully beautiful, giving woman in the world and I wouldn’t trade her or my memories of her for anything.

• Janey… the memories I have with my janeyface are so much more different than any of the memories I will have with anybody else in the world. Our time together is spent in a beautiful little flurry of being lewd, inappropriate, offensive and utterly and completely ourselves. When she and I are together we fall into a world that completely spins for just the two of us… nobody else exists. Chris always hated it when she came to visit and theo still hates it when we are together because we immediately begin to set one another off in the most improper and fabulous of ways. My memories of her date back to the first time we met in person… that fabulous summer’s day that she came up to derby and stepped off the bus to my little smiling face. The next night we began our string of outrageous memories by writhing all over the floor of the local pub to bon jovi’s ‘always’ with claire. Every single janeydaniepartytime since has just been better and better. Racist shopping adventures, lesbian chats, hot-boxing her lounge with our horrendous gas and more shopping adventures than anybody could ever fathom. Janey is such a beautifully wonderful person and I will no doubt know her and continue making offensive memories with her until one of us dies of some horrendous disease or car accident.

• Alastair… over the last five years the bulk of my beautiful memories have come from pow pow…he and I have gone on some of the most amazingly fabulous adventures ever. He is the one person I have watched more films with, had more cups of tea with and talked to more than anybody else. Things as simple as all our swimming dates two years ago will fall high on the list of beautiful memories I have in my life. Most of the moments I spend with him are extraordinary for me because I exist in complete awe of him… he is an astoundingly beautiful, talented and magical person and to spend as much time as I do with him and to be as close to him as I am makes me feel so outrageously special. Every day I get to see him makes me feel like the things I do and say are worth something because he agrees with or admires it. There are just so many memories to pick from… if I had to name one particularly beautiful memory, I would have to hark back to the night the incident happened (September 26^th 2008). The whole night was beautiful despite the obviously horrific event. Pow pow and I had gone swimming, went out for a cup of tea at big blue with alex and jaacqy, moved on to wetherspoons where I bore witness to his sally jessi impression for the first time and then on to the rest of the night… post-incident, jaacqy and I went back to pow pow’s and I laid on the couch talking to mark until he returned home and immediately laid on top of me and held me for ages. He just laid there and hugged me. He held me like he was trying to hold all the pain out of me and to this day, nobody has ever been successful at giving me a better cuddle, ever… I doubt they ever will.

• Concertina Turner… the summer of 2007 was made perfect because of one thing. That thing was concertina turner and the butchers. I honestly couldn’t believe it when claire and mark asked me to be in the band… I  never showed any outward abilities musically… why ME?! Who bloody cares, is what I answer now! That was the best time of my life. Playing music with the five of them was the most fun I have ever had. Those months that we played together were completely fuelled by chris’s homemade mead and the cheers of drunken onlookers. There are so many swirling memories that I can grasp out of the air, but when I have to pick just one, it is always jerry… I LOVE to remember how jerry and I used to watch one another when we played. He was such a beautiful man and I love every single song we ever had the chance to play together.

• Dane... there is not one single memory I don’t cherish about this boy. I drive him insane during every conversation asking him to tell me what things he remembers or what his favourite memories are. Those fabulous months in the summer of 2001 were so, so special... the random late-night car journeys, the trip to the water tower, our first kiss on the corner of Evans Avenue and east 17th Stret, the nine times he and i went to see shrek together at the cinema… all these things made up the summer that shaped my heart and the pace it beats at now. The most special memory I have of him is the last time I saw him in person. It was March 6^th and I can remember every single tiny detail of those last ten minutes we spent together with perfect recollection. I remember how he smelled (of his deodorant and taco john’s), exactly how tall he was, how hard he held me, the fact that he couldn’t get out more than one sentence for the emotion and the way he held my hand when we parted ways… that memory will only be trumped with the first time we meet again, which I can only imagine will be the single most beautiful memory in the history of beautiful memories.

• Mini Mart… hands-down the greatest job I have ever had in my life… working the graveyard shift at that petrol station for those eight months was the best time in my teenage life. Everyone knew me and loved me and I met the most incredible array of people. You never had the same night working in a place like that… I still think back to all the special regular customers I had and all the fun shenanigans that I got up to working there with great fondness… ask me to tell you some of the stories some time, you’ll love them  

• Chris… despite the crap he and I went through towards the end I am still able to recall very well all the beautiful moments he and I shared. I remember how much I used to hate him when we first started talking and how, despite that animosity, I couldn’t WAIT for him to come online next so I could tell him about my day and ask him about England. I remember how nervous I was to ask him for his email address for the first time. I remember the first time I saw him in the airport… a fresh-faced 18-year-old on her first international journey. I was terrified and excited and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I remember exactly how he looked and exactly how long I watched him until he noticed me (42 seconds). I remember how nervous I was in the back room at the registrar’s, waiting to be allowed to walk down the aisle to my waiting fiancé. I remember our first dance as husband and wife. I remember the day we walked out to the pet shop to pick out our guinea pigs and how excited we were to play with them when we got home. There are so, so many things I remember. So many special things that only he and I would find beautiful, but that have offered the perfect amount of wonderful to my life thus far.

•  Ashley... the memories i have with this girl are so SO huge and outrageously beautiful that i could never, ever pin down a small list of memories her and i have created together. when i think of this girl i am immediately submerged into an ocean of beautiful thrifting adventures, late-night car rides, finding god-awful clothes in ross and limitless village inn dates (WITH RANCH DRESSING ON THE SIDE!!). she has been the sparkle that made me who i am and i can never, ever do our memories justice. our epic summer of wonderment was everything hollywood makes them out to be, they are life-changing, forever memorable and worth every single second of it. she has been my rock in so many situations and our memories have fueled me through some horrible times. i simply adore to think about all the other memories we will make.... meeting more frightening people at Arc or watching more mullets at the mall... every memory i have with her i cherish more than most. 

i would never be able to list every beautiful memory i have... memories that bounce around my mind that feature lee lee and george and hannah. i adore my life and the memories i have made. 

here's to a billion more.

picture THIS!

A picture of you in your room:

A picture of you posing with someone you don't actually like:

it is not immediately noticeable, but the creatures behind and on either side of me are my arch enemies. the one to the left of me is my boss, satankim, and the one to the right is AMY who asks to many scrutinizing questions that i want to stick pencils in my ears.

A picture with a former crush:

ah yes, cock-face the magnificent. him and me at the prime of our love-fest. fucking dick.

A picture of you with a parent or two:

a fabulous photo of pretty much the whole family the summer husband came to visit america. from left to right you have my mum, my sister ladonna, me niece paige, me, husband, my nephew evan and my other sister carmen. sadly, this is the only photo i have of me with my mum with me as a grown up.

A picture of you on your birthday:

my birthday last year in slovakia. i was horrifically drunk and dancing with this precious elderly man who immediately became un-precious as soon as he drunkenly started to thrust at me and grunt during this dance. **shudder**

The youngest picture you can find of yourself in digital form:

this is officially the first photo of me evar. what a preciously fat baby!

A picture of you showing off a new haircut:

not so much a new haircut as an abomonation.

A picture of you truly being yourself:

The most recent picture of you:

A picture you're tagged in on Facebook that you aren't actually in:

i was tagged in this photo because i am the one who made his hairs blue. i heart them!

A picture of a time in your life that's over, but you wish it wasn't:

i miss when jane and i were really close and visited each other more often. good fuck i miss this!

i miss the summer that made me who i am. ashley, prancing, thrifting and generally being completely in love with everything, ever.

i miss when all of us were close. when nobody lived in different countries and we got kicked out of pubs for being too happy.

A picture of a time in your life that's over, and you couldn't be more thankful that it is:

jenni and me in poland. although she was amazing and we had lots of fabulous times, i am glad that that particular type of poison has left my life.

A picture with your oldest friend:

jessica and danie circa 1994?

A picture with your newest friend:

jaacq! OMG he is the most fabulous new friend everyone could have. i could squeeze him to death.

A picture of you that you had no idea was being taken:

A picture you taking a shot/chugging a beer/downing some sort of mixed drink:

i don't actually have any photos of me in the process of drinking but i DO have photos of me being precious with my favourite beast pre-sip. GOD i miss you ashley!

A picture of you with someone you love:

A picture that describes how you'd like to spend every day:

just being out of control, pleased and covered with joy from my friends.

A picture that makes your heart hurt:

this was one of the last times we hung out before jerry died. i miss his face so much.

A picture that makes your heart smile:

this is my favourite photo ever in the world. ever.