fifteen days i've been back... the longest i've been in this postal code since 2003.
i'm back and it has been a flurry of excitement, emotion and hugs.
my emotions have been on overdrive, primarily due to my stupid womb and secondarily, because i am back here and i don't have to rush around to see everyone... i can pace myself and plan playdates without a mega-rush on things because i still have another two weeks here.
from the moment i arrived back in the Mountain Standard time-zone my chest felt tight... i walked out of the terminal a completely different person than the girl who left that April afternoon back in 2008... no longer married, at least twenty more tattoos, pink coiff, less weight.
i braced myself for the first gaze my sister would cast upon me. i walked around the airport terrified and recalling the conversation she and i had had only fifteen hours prior when i asked her if she knew what i looked like and what to keep an eye out for at the airport (as it is obvious that it would be hard to spot ME in a crowd). she laughed and said that she had an idea and that she wanted to make sure she looked as normal as possible because everyone would be staring at us and she didn't want to have a wedgie or shit in her teeth whilst we were the centre of the DIA world.
i stood as everyone was greeted by family and friends.
i stood whilst everyone picked up their luggage from the carousel.
i stood, momentarily concerned that LaDonna had forgotten about me and that the airline had forgotten about me and i was doomed to sit in that airport for the entire four weeks until i could go home.
then i saw them. LaDonna and Heyward (her husband and delightful creature) came through the double doors and smiled.
the rest of the evening was spent talking about my travels, my divorce and Muffin. we ate steak and i snoozed slightly in between singing along to the seemingly flawless DJing on the late-night radio station we were listening to.
in the time since then i have seen many special faces, ones i've not seen in years or ones i've never met before but wanted to. ones that i hope i get to see more before i move back across the ocean. Ashley, Justin, Beeman, Stevie, Jamie... tonight, my evening will be starring Scotty, Emma and Jaimal, which thrills me more than most things. i've been attempting to envelope myself in memories, places and things.
two days after arriving i went walking by myself and strolled by my old house, the street i learned to ride a bike on and the places i used to work. i walked and remembered everything... all the little tiny things that built up my childhood and teenage years.
Muffin has come and gone since i've been back. he left Monday and we spent the four days we had together re-living the memories of eight years ago. it was our first time together again in Cheyenne, something we've both been attempting to orchestrate, since our last playdate back in 2002.
we walked past the road where we had our first kiss, stopping to hold hands and remember the way the mustang hummed as he leaned over to give me the first of a billion. we walked to the place we very first met and held one another, recalling the clothes we were wearing and what we thought when we first saw one another. he drunkenly walked with me past my old house again... a late-night walk that left my emotions raw, but made me realize how close we are. we walked to the back of the house and recalled where he used to sneak in and i pointed out which rooms were which before weeping slightly and having him take me into a massive bear hug and walk me the rest of the way back to LaDonna's house.
sometimes even now it all seems so foreign to me... i'll see his face and it'll take me back to that July in 2001 when we first started dating. when i walked into the McDonald's where he was employed and he made excuses to come to the front of the store to talk to me. i still can't believe it's real occasionally.
so many things have changed... marriages, tattoos, oceans, wars, deaths, children.
i saw one of his children for the first time ever on sunday. something i hadn't anticipated but something i am happy happened. i was frozen with terror when i saw an exact carbon copy of Muffin rolling towards the car on his scooter as Muffin got out and walked to that log-adorned house. i didn't know what to do or say. LaDonna asked me what was up as we pulled away and i poured out my heart... i poured it all over her and her car and the street and the beautiful blue day. i talked about the kids and the fate of my womb and our history and future and everything. she was unbelievably supportive and made me feel like i was going to be okay. she told me that if we were meant to have kids then we would.
it was with that that i realized that all the fears i had surrounding LaDonna hating him were not going to come to fruition. all that worrying and fretting was completely in vain. she seemed to like him. we talked about Muffin during the rest of our shopping excursion and until we pulled back up to the house to retrieve him. i watched as Ryu hugged him and i braced myself to freak out but i didn't. all i wanted to do was get out of the car and hug Muffin because i could see, as he walked away from his middle child, that his heart was sore.
we got home and laid in bed to have the conversation that was bound to happen... about his kids and us and how i felt. he cried and i held him, feeling okay, which is not what i expected. i just held him and we talked about the kids and how i felt about seeing Ryu and what we would do the rest of the day. it was really okay and despite the initial terror i felt, i reckon i will be okay. the next big hurdle will be Molly in December, and i reckon that'll be slightly harder... no, astronomically harder, but worth it. he tries so often to shelter me from his children and i really don't need that. i need to know they're there and make my peace with that fact, otherwise this, him and me, we won't work. i can't ignore it.
anyways, back to 82001.
i'm here and i'm going through a massive internal scrapbook that has built-up countless entries since the day i was born... i've gone through hundreds of photos, at least a dozen of my mum's boxes and the last of my belongings that were left here when i moved away. it's been a special trip and one that i absolutely needed.
thank you Cheyenne, for the memories. let's be sure to do this again.
