Tuesday, 28 September 2010

me and the trapped crickets, we don't trust you

it happens at least once a day... my mind decides to freak the FUCK out and stop trusting him for like, two minutes.

i'll be fine, sitting around, leading a normal life, existing with relatively sane mental-processes when my brain will suddenly over-analyze something ridiculous and i will immdiately develop a distrust for Muffin and the things he does.

i remember, prior to my leaving England and prior to Pow and Amy's breakup, i used to scold Pow constantly for his paranoid ideations. i know that whilst this isn't QUITE the same (as his went far and beyond what could be considered sane), and whilst mine have actually turned out true once or three times, i still, every time, hate myself a little for not putting everything into him and doubting him, even for those two minutes a day.

i occasionally find myself terrified of loving him completely. i'll watch him and things will pop into my head and remind me of all the emotions i went through when he broke my heart in the past... i remember how i promised myself i'd never trust him again.

they are unreasonable, my ideations, and i am aware of this. just one night after i left for Cheyenne, i had a freak-out that made me stop and actually have to scold myself for being so silly.

he had told me that Origami was coming over to pick some stuff up and about twenty minutes after she was due to arrive he sent me a photo of himself in bed, telling me how much he missed me and showing me a "view from danie's side of the bed." instantly, my brain said to me, "Wait, Origami wouldn't be gone by now, i bet she's convinced him to sleep with her and he had her take that photo so he could make you believe he was going to bed when REALLY he's sleeping with her and didn't want to arouse suspicion." the freakout was only heightened when he wouldn't respond to my texts and i didn't hear from him for over an hour. he calmed me and my mind was settled for the time, but i still hate that i find myself having these little distrust episodes so often.

it occurred to me late at night, the saturday before last... i was laid in my step-neice's old bedroom listening to the songs of the crickets that had gotten themselves trapped in the window-well. the movements of their wings creating their songs drew me through my thought processes... the processes that made me worry that there might be something broken in me that won't allow me to trust Muffin, that i might be forever doomed to live a life like Pow, filled with distrust, scepticism and paranoia. for two hours i laid in that bed with a sleeping child next to me (Paige, neice), worrying that my incessant concerns would drive Muffin away and ruin this thing that we have that i hold so, SO special.

i worried but... i don't know. i still worry, but the moments of worrying are but a few minutes in a day full of perpetual reassurance and love.

i worried, but i know that the things i worry about aren't completely without just cause. it's an awful thing to say, but i would find myself feeling more crazy were i to be worrying so much if we had no history. instead, we HAVE had a history, and a rocky one at that, and that fact makes me feel like, whilst still quite unfair to him, i am processing things. not living in a world of fantasy, but living in reality and contemplating things with a clear (although sometimes irrational) head.

i guess with my time away from him i have been given time to reflect on a relationship that has been "real" for the last four weeks. real in that i have been here and we have been living together, on the same continent, and existing as a real-life kinda-couple.

the time has been beautiful and better than i expected it would be. the time has made me more confident, more in love and more happy. the time has made me trust that Muffin is someone i COULD spend the rest of my forever with.

but as everyone knows, i love to over-think things... everything. and i have a LOT of time to do that currently, with LaDonna and Heyward at work all day and just sitting around a lot. the over-thinking leaves my brain a great deal of time to worry and paint very vivid pictures of things that could be happening in my absence. i know it's not fair on him, but i can't help it. with all the time that i have known him, i have only known things to result in my heart being broken, so i find myself worrying about the day that my brain is SURE will come, when he will do something REALLY stupid and mess all of this up.

i worry about when i go away because anytime i've gone away in the past, he's abandonded me or hurt me... when i went into the home he lost hope and joined the ARMY and had babies. when i went to the seaside for ten days he married Origami. they're two very excellent examples. obviously, i'm aware that it's unfair of me to think that he would have waited for me all the time i was in the home or kept his word in 2007, but i guess the scars from being burned are still there and i am reminded of them in times when i am in a similar situation.

i love The Muffin, and like i've said in countless blogs, i just worry and have a stupidly vivid imagination.

currently, today, Muffin is my life and i've no doubt that we'll be old and senile together one day, once i've crossed this hurdle and gotten my head out of this place that only causes tension and upset in a world that should only really be filled with kisses, cuddles and lovenotes.


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