Monday, 13 September 2010

the definition of Insanity doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

at least that's what i've heard films, family and friends tell  me time and time again over the last almost-twenty-six years.

now, i'm not sitting here today saying that i'm going insane; what i'm saying is that i am now noticing a lot of similarities in my relationships. the similarities were first noticed saturday evening before last. Muffin and i were inhabiting the same space. i was cooking dinner, he was meant to be doing schoolwork... something he'd been promising that he'd start for two weeks. i had told him dins would take approximately an hour to make, so that offered him ample time to get at least one chapter done. due to the layout of our kitchen/dining/computer room, we are able to chat happily with one another without it resorting to just sounding like shouting, which is nice... but, unfortunately for Muffin, it also means that we can see what the other is doing on the computer at any given time, which resulted in me having to tell him to get off of the Book of Face and onto his schoolwork. he would say okay and open the page for his class and i will go about chopping misc vegetables for the bolognaise sauce i was making and then the cycle would just start all over again. the cycle repeated about seven times before he shouted at me to leave him alone, he KNEW what he needed to do.

the instant the words came out of his mouth i realized that i had been there before... maybe in a different house, country and with a different boy, but i had been there before and i didn't like that. i recalled all the times over the first two years of my time in England when i would be cooking and Christopher would refuse to do his schoolwork, but would instead opt to play computer games, read some random sci-fi book or strum one of his many guitars (which is ANOTHER similarity i will get to shortly). nearly 89% of THOSE prodding sessions resulted in him shouting at me to leave him alone.

at the end of all of the harassment, Christopher never finished his degree, the same as Muffin failed his last class. i worry that his current course will suffer the same fate if he is not careful.

obviously, i'm not retarded and i know that there were other contributing factors to Chris not finishing his course and to Muffin failing his last course, but still, it happened and all i ever wanted was for them to work on them and do the best that they could.

sometimes i am misguided with my prodding and i don't do it in the most tactful way, but the care and concern is still there and i wish that THAT could be seen and taken for what it is, a concerned girlfriend/wife who just wants what's best for the boys in her life.

the other similarity are the guitars. money, money, money. every single time Chris would get one of his student loans through he would go out and purchase a PA, guitar, amp or some other misc piece of musical something-or-other, and it seems Muffin does the exact same thing. he got a grant that would have proven incredibly helpful for our little lives here together, but he instead spent A LOT on a new guitar and a tattoo, but only after promising that he would be putting a lot of that money aside for us to live off of when i got here. now, all the money's gone and i am seeing a pattern... the pattern is in the shape of the like, seven guitars that are in Muffin's music room... VERY similar to the keyboard, guitars, PA system, amps, double bass and trombone in Chris's music room. nothing i can say will or would get through to them, so i don't bother, but it is BLOODY frustrating.

the similarities aren't all bad, they are both incredibly intelligent, funny and make me happy, which is important to note. i think it's just difficult for me now because i can see the similarities and the reasons Chris and i used to fight and i can see myself getting into a pattern with someone who does almost exactly the same things AGAIN and i have to stop and ask myself why i am doing this. why i seem to get myself into relationships that secure me in the position of "concerned onlooker" which is teamed with someone who is occasionally selfish, thoughtless and takes me for granted. it's not just significant others i do this with though... Chris, Dane, Pow, Janey... i do it all the time, become ensnared with people that i adore, but that need "fixing" and that's not healthy for me because none of them tend to be THAT receptive to it. i just end up frustrated and resentful.

i guess at the moment i am just wondering if i should worry about these similarities, if i should stay here and see how it all pans out; see how this story ends. or should i jump ship again to find a destiny for me, not someone else?



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