My New Year...

And it has.

I began 2013 with several promises to myself. Promises to make myself a better person and to make my life more beautiful. I planed to de-clutter, be more creative and begin living healthier both physically and mentally. I planned to return my life back to a state of homeostasis that I'd not lived in in a very long time.

And you know what? I feel as though I've accomplished more than I had even expected to. My life has transitioned a massive amount in the last year. People have come and gone, new things have been experienced and I've learned a massive amount not only about life, but about topics I never in my life imagined I'd have to become well-versed in.

My 2013 featured a lot of opportunities for me to really push myself to be better. To practice patience and become the best version of myself possible. I spent the first several months of 2013 purely focusing on how unhappy and stressed I was. I wallowed and spent a lot of time fueling hateful thoughts towards people who were making my life difficult. It wasn't until the middle of the year, after Molly arrived and I got to see her snuggle Muffin so sweetly, that I decided to be happy. Decided that I was allowed to be happy even if other people weren't.

I took that decision and ran with it. I decided to love my life for every little piece of it, even the bad ones. I chose to thrive on the positive pieces and let the ugly pieces go.

A huge mental assessment then took place that forced me to look at the things that made me unhappy and figure out how to turn them into something more manageable. Something that I could be happy with. My first step was to go through my house and get rid of the excess. I literally filled no less than four gigantic Tupperware tubs with books that I took to the bookstore and sold. I donated bags and bags of clothes that I was clutching on to for god knows what reasons. I said goodbye to them at Goodwill and came home to say hello to a more peaceful and comfortable life.

I realized I was holding on to ridiculous amounts of things for fear to losing the memories of them. Books that I had bought with Christopher or clothes that I had collected in back-street shops in London during shopping excursions with my Janey. I was holding on to them, stashed away in bags or boxes all over my house, terrified that I might forget those beautiful days that made up my British life.

Maybe it was because I was balls-deep in my fifth episode in one day of Hoarders, maybe it was the copious amounts of cola and Godiva chocolates in my system, but I'd snapped and realized something had to change and that the memories that I had were MINE and no THING was going to make them stay any longer.

Beyond that, I think I've come to the realization, after a huge amount of thought and mental distress, that I may not ever get the chance to have a baby. And you know what? That's okay. I stumbled over this topic over and over again, recreating all the possibilities that my future might turn into. I fell apart some days, imagining never being able to have that big fat belly and a child to raise as my own. Other days I realized that instead, I've been offered this really incredible opportunity to become a step-mother and offer love and support to Muffin and his little ones.

I've got children in my life and I've got love to offer them. I've got all the love they're willing to take. I've evolved into a place now where it's okay to just have this. A place where I don't need to dwell on what I don't have or what I may never get the chance to have. A place where I can be happy for the people who DO get to have little ones. I now have the choice to give love and energy to as many people as possible, spreading all the glee I can muster into the lives of people who may forget that it's accessible. I can make things and take photos and share in all the joy of every single person I come into contact with, with no secret envy or hatred. Just the knowledge that at least SOMEONE is being blessed with a little baby-pie to adore.

It took a lot to come to this place. One of my best friends fell pregnant and then it seemed like every other person I knew was suddenly pregnant. Literally, I know about eleven people who are pregnant, and I couldn't be more happy. I wish every single one of them all the love and luck through the changes their bodies will be making and every moment they get with the bundle of joy that they will be bringing into the world. Yeah, I may never get the chance to have my own, but at least I can enjoy what I get and that's a gorgeous little step-daughter, two brilliant step-sons and a whole heap of babies that I get to watch my friends get to mess up in their own lovely ways. I'll get to snuggle those little ones for years to come and watch them grow and shower them with homemade gifts and baked goods until they burst and then I can go home at night and snuggle with the man I decided to spend my life with, happy that I KNOW I made the right choice. 

So that's where I am. Consciously happy. Happy with no excuses or limits. I make the choice every single morning to roll over, smile at Muffin's gorgeous, sleepy face and kiss my stinky puppy's nose. I make that choice because I am happy with every single little thing I've got in my life.

So here's to 2014, a year where I am going to be furiously happy and in love with life.

Good luck to your 2014, I bet it will be glorious!

the definition of Insanity

...is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

at least that's what i've heard films, family and friends tell  me time and time again over the last almost-twenty-six years.

now, i'm not sitting here today saying that i'm going insane; what i'm saying is that i am now noticing a lot of similarities in my relationships. the similarities were first noticed saturday evening before last. Muffin and i were inhabiting the same space. i was cooking dinner, he was meant to be doing schoolwork... something he'd been promising that he'd start for two weeks. i had told him dins would take approximately an hour to make, so that offered him ample time to get at least one chapter done. due to the layout of our kitchen/dining/computer room, we are able to chat happily with one another without it resorting to just sounding like shouting, which is nice... but, unfortunately for Muffin, it also means that we can see what the other is doing on the computer at any given time, which resulted in me having to tell him to get off of the Book of Face and onto his schoolwork. he would say okay and open the page for his class and i will go about chopping misc vegetables for the bolognaise sauce i was making and then the cycle would just start all over again. the cycle repeated about seven times before he shouted at me to leave him alone, he KNEW what he needed to do.

the instant the words came out of his mouth i realized that i had been there before... maybe in a different house, country and with a different boy, but i had been there before and i didn't like that. i recalled all the times over the first two years of my time in England when i would be cooking and Christopher would refuse to do his schoolwork, but would instead opt to play computer games, read some random sci-fi book or strum one of his many guitars (which is ANOTHER similarity i will get to shortly). nearly 89% of THOSE prodding sessions resulted in him shouting at me to leave him alone.

at the end of all of the harassment, Christopher never finished his degree, the same as Muffin failed his last class. i worry that his current course will suffer the same fate if he is not careful.

obviously, i'm not retarded and i know that there were other contributing factors to Chris not finishing his course and to Muffin failing his last course, but still, it happened and all i ever wanted was for them to work on them and do the best that they could.

sometimes i am misguided with my prodding and i don't do it in the most tactful way, but the care and concern is still there and i wish that THAT could be seen and taken for what it is, a concerned girlfriend/wife who just wants what's best for the boys in her life.

the other similarity are the guitars. money, money, money. every single time Chris would get one of his student loans through he would go out and purchase a PA, guitar, amp or some other misc piece of musical something-or-other, and it seems Muffin does the exact same thing. he got a grant that would have proven incredibly helpful for our little lives here together, but he instead spent A LOT on a new guitar and a tattoo, but only after promising that he would be putting a lot of that money aside for us to live off of when i got here. now, all the money's gone and i am seeing a pattern... the pattern is in the shape of the like, seven guitars that are in Muffin's music room... VERY similar to the keyboard, guitars, PA system, amps, double bass and trombone in Chris's music room. nothing i can say will or would get through to them, so i don't bother, but it is BLOODY frustrating.

the similarities aren't all bad, they are both incredibly intelligent, funny and make me happy, which is important to note. i think it's just difficult for me now because i can see the similarities and the reasons Chris and i used to fight and i can see myself getting into a pattern with someone who does almost exactly the same things AGAIN and i have to stop and ask myself why i am doing this. why i seem to get myself into relationships that secure me in the position of "concerned onlooker" which is teamed with someone who is occasionally selfish, thoughtless and takes me for granted. it's not just significant others i do this with though... Chris, Dane, Pow, Janey... i do it all the time, become ensnared with people that i adore, but that need "fixing" and that's not healthy for me because none of them tend to be THAT receptive to it. i just end up frustrated and resentful.

i guess at the moment i am just wondering if i should worry about these similarities, if i should stay here and see how it all pans out; see how this story ends. or should i jump ship again to find a destiny for me, not someone else?

hrm.