July 2015...

Sweet merciful god. It is hot. I am working on another blog post right now about our gigantic move, so I'm going to do this post about things I adore at the moment and then move on to finishing the other blog.

Things i love most RIGHT NOW:

• Air conditioning... Good lord it is hotter than blazes here. Like, legit, I have never been so hot in my entire life. I may have mentioned being hot in the past... I was wrong. Very, extremely wrong. I regularly have sweat in places I had no idea were able to sweat. I want to live in a cool shower and/or lie on the sofa in a bathing suit constantly. However, the socially unacceptable nature of those activities meant hat we have a swamp cooler that helps us to exist. Not a perfect existence, but an existence. The car and any public stores are my favourite things right now because they pump air conditioning to the masses like it's water.
• Ice water...I LOVE ice. And water. And ice water. Our ice maker is pretty much my bff at the moment.
• Ice cream... I am sure you're sensing a theme. Ice cream is making every void in my life complete at the minute. It's gorgeous icy-ness is everything that I could ever need in the world. And I'm not limited to creamy treats. I am madly in love with sorbet as well.
• Having a kiddo around... It's so nice. Our house is completely full of laughter and snuggles and general glee. It's so magical to have a little person around to ask questions and absorb everything we say like a little sponge. She says hilarious stuff all the time and makes us challenge ourselves and our beliefs. It's a really special things to have her around. 
• The El Paso skyline... Seriously. It does not matter where we turn, those enormous mountains command all attention. I discovered that the mountain that runs down the center of El Paso represent the southernmost tip of the Rocky Mountains, which is super exciting. It's an enormous range of mountains that take my breath away every single day. They're no Mt. Rainier, but they are spectacular in their own right.

Things that are consuming my life right now:

• Making our new house a home... Guys, this house is beautiful and I couldn't be more pleased with it. But we have a lot of stuff that needs unpacking still. We've made a ton of headway, but there's still a lot of work to do. Pictures are being hung and trinkets are being displayed, so it's coming along.
• Cooking at home... Muffin and I need to eat better. So does the little lady. We are working on being much healthier and making better decisions when it comes to snack and meal time. I've been stalking recipes on Pinterest and have been making a lot of lists. It's been relatively successful in the past week, but we could do better. Wish us luck.
• Killing ants....  Seriously. Ants are ruining my life. Our actual entire back yard is completely covered in ants. We tried to plant some fresh veggies to grow and the veggies were covered with ants within hours. We have tried coffee, grits, baby powder, and two types of poison with no luck so far. I am at my wit's end. Any suggestions!? Bare in mind that I have a puppy and a kiddo to keep safe and healthy!

Things I want to tell August Danie:

• "You're in Texas now. You're here and you're roasting hot. Get used to it. It's going to be hotter before it gets cooler."
• "Hopefully things have continued on as positively as they have been. Keep being kind and maybe that kindness will follow."

last but not least... here's a quote. 

"you are now being blocked by this person (click here to find out why)"

it feels like he's hiding.

i've nothing to hide from him... i'm open completely about every movement in my life from emails to photos to phone calls. everything. i do that because that's what i feel a relationship should be. no secrets or anything hidden. i had that with Christopher and it ultimately helped to ruin us.

but Muffin... i feel like i am completely not a part of his life outside of the things that i can DO for him. things that sometimes feel forced behind closed doors. doors that are more often than not closed by his own hand.

daily, i am stuck in this house with nothing to do but laundry, dishes, hoovering and cooking. i've no money and no means to do anything outside of the house beyond walking to the post box at 15:04 (give or take a few minutes) and, when i've got food stamps, to the supermarket to buy more things to cook with.

all of this, the daily routines i seem to have gotten myself stuck in play out week after week. he's out of the house more often than he's in and when he IS in, the time is spent with little or no talking unless i initiate it. i noticed this the other day when i was in the middle of talking and noticed that he hadn't said ANYTHING about his day, despite him having been out of the house for over twenty-four hours and having more than 170 facebook friends (i bring this up because, weather he likes it or not, i update him on even the little things that happen with my friends that i think are special and should be shared, but him, nothing. it's like NONE of them ever do ANYTHING noteworthy at all, ever), he just had nothing not even a peep.

i tell him about even the most little things that might be weird or i think he may be able to offer me insight or support on, like emails from people that are questionable or comments that leave me feeling uncomfortable. but anytime he checks his emails, he does it VERY secretly and is quick to act in an odd way when i walk into the room and his emails are open. which leaves me asking questions, which i don't like. it's either that he hasn't received one SINGLE email in the last three months or that he just doesn't care to share that part of his life with me. which makes me wonder why i bother sharing those parts of my life with him?

i tell him about my days and emotions and life and he rarely has anything to say when i say those words that he's no doubt just as tired of hearing as i am so absolutely tired of saying: "So, how was YOUR day?" or "What have YOU been up to?"

those and any questions like them tend to be met with a sleepy gaze and shrug or are completely ignored.

getting any information out of him is like pulling teeth.

i try to be proactive in his life and help him to see that i'm here to support him and listen to him, but he offers me nothing to go on without me having to more-or-less drag it out of him tiny detail by tiny detail. it's a painstakingly long process that i don't bother doing as often anymore because i feel like i deserve better than that. i feel like i deserve to be respected and to have him WANT to tell me the details of his life because he WANTS me to be a part of it... not because i hassled him until he broke and told me.

he hides things, things which i've found out in round-about ways, things which, to my mind, didn't need hiding. i can understand that he's most likely just so USED to having to hide things that he just does it as the norm, but for me, it's lies. that's what it breaks down to plainly. lies.

i heart simplifying things.

the big things that i notice he's just NOT talking about, which worry me because they are huge things that really, need to be talked about are as follows:

Molly... for whatever reason, he is still very secretive about all things Re: his daughter, which confuses me because he was perfectly fine with me going and hanging out for hours with his son, who he is not really at all close with, but he will do all he can to hide photos of her from me and avoid calling her unless i am out of the room or he is out of the house. it hurts that he is just completely unwilling to discuss anything to do with her at all. the only time i ever get any updates on her is if i extract the information via his famous one-word answers, which tends to take longer than the meager details he even offers me are worth, which makes me wonder why i bothered in the first place. i feel like it is incredibly important that he shares more about her with me, but i feel stupid for having to ask. i feel like, this is the one other person in his life that has a bigger pull on him than i do, but i'm not allowed to know anything about her. it's not jealousy so much as just WHY?! why will he not ever tell me anything about her?! i just don't get it. it feels like he's setting me up to fail when i meet her... like he's not preparing me in any way at all to meet her, which, perhaps is his plan? is that me being rash or over-thinking? perhaps. but with all the blocking he's doing, what else can i think?

his divorce... like, once. that's the number of times he's come to me for support on his emotions or feelings toward his divorce. when i was going through all my crap with Christopher, Muffin was my numero uno, so i went to him when i needed to talk or help processing things. he was a huge help when it came to talking me through my feelings towards my divorce, but it's like he just doesn't want me to know anything at all about whatever the fuck is going on between him and Origami. he comes home occasionally after Behavioural Health appointments and tells me that it was hard because he had to talk about his divorce and then tends to scuttle off into another room after looking notably misty-eyed and sad. beyond that, he will not throw me any other bones. i ask him questions and want to talk to him about it, but he always brushes it off as though he's fine and it doesn't matter when, after seeing him get weepy the other day at the mention of his divorce, i KNOW that it's actually the complete opposite and i should just... i don't know. wait? hope he's willing to come to me EVER when it comes to any of his big stuff. is that what i should do? it feels like if i do that, it'll shove a huge wedge between us that might not offer a salvageable relationship at the end of the day. beyond all the emotional stuff, there's also the fun topic of when the FUCK her shit will be out of the house, which he never fails to make me feel guilty for asking about. she said December but that's clearly not going to happen, so i try to push a little on occasion and ask him what he's gonna do (because if it was me, i would have fucking nixed the bitch ages ago and put "return to sender" on all her post and either put all her stuff on the front lawn after notifying her that it was going to be there or at the very least, fucking billing her for the storage of her shit)... literally, every time i bring that or anything else Re: Origami up, he instantly becomes defensive and moody, which i can empathize with a little, but seriously? having the reminders of her all over the house constantly, every day, is NOT healthy for him and is NOT going to help this process go by any smoother. i don't know if that's what he wants... if he just can't or doesn't want to let go of her for some reason, but he's always quick to remind me that this is HIS house and that i don't pay any rent, which tends to make me feel awful and put me back in my place, so... yeah.

war things... right, so Muffin says he has quite bad PTSD. this comes from three trips to Iraq and seeing a lot of things... things that i know nothing about. things he refuses to tell me anything about, apart from that they are bad. well, "bad" for me is manageable. "bad" for me is something that shouldn't keep you up at night or give you nightmares or severe depression. "bad" for me is an adjective that i reserve the usage of for things like, the taste of the milk when it's gone off or the way i feel this season's Eastbound and Down ended. this is why i know that either he's just not comfortable talking to me about it or that he's... i just don't know. i don't want to push him, but he just KEEPS telling me that he's never felt more comfortable with anyone and that he trusts me more than anyone, so what's the fucking deal? am i just not ever, EVER allowed to know anything about his war stuff? he keeps saying he'll tell me, but nothing has materialized. years have passed with nothing... no information beyond the simple adjective of BAD.



like, do i have to put more than ten years into this relationship to finally have run the gauntlet enough to be awarded this and other precious information in Muffin's life? i just want to be there for him and support him and help him through things, but he just will not let me. at all.

i feel so incredibly helpless... like there's nothing i can do about it. our relationship is hidden from pretty much everyone in HIS life and... oh, i don't know. it all just feels like a big mess sometimes. particularly on days like today, where i'm pining after england and it's cold and windy outside.

i just want this all to feel okay and for us to be an actual couple... no hidden trapdoors, no secrets, no lies, just us. what we've always said we wanted.

blargh.

it all started with a car

two weeks ago Muffin rang me and asked me if i would be willing to make a toy.

i hadn't been challenged in a while, so i decided to bite.

the bite came in the shape of a car. he asked me if i would make a blue car with red racing stripes for his son. i obliged, immediately invisioning how i was going to create the most perfect, woolen piece of machinery ever for his little boy. a stuffed-car that would blow his mind and make him remember forever the day that his dad had a toy made specially for him because he loved him and wanted to make a positive change towards his father-type role.

after many days of work and a lot of procrastination, i finished it last night. the general aim was to finish it whilst Muffin was here so's he could give it to Ryu himself, but things came up and i couldn't, so i told him i'd hand-deliver it before i came home.

today was the day. i rolled-over in bed this morning and stared at the car and imagined the tiny version of Muffin holding it and loving it. i imagined how the scene would play out when i delievered it to him. i wondered if i should just drop it off, ring the doorbell and run, so i wouldn't have to see him and be faced with seeing Muffin's son all by myself. i wondered how he would react to me and how his grandmother (his full-time carer, more-or-less) would react to me. i worked myself up into a little frenzy before finally rising from bed for a lunchtime playdate with Emma and her little man.

Emma and i met years ago. we met in Spanish back in like, seventh grade. we never talked THAT much and then, suddenly, after i left for england, we started emailing and talking LOADS. i hadn't ever met her son and was excited to meet the little ball of almost-three-year-old energy as i sat and awaited their arrival at the local Shari's.

they arrived and he was immediately excited, shouting my name and showing me things. instantly, i decided i would go and give the car to Ryu in person. that no child could be so intimidating that i couldn't simply go, toss a stuffed toy at him, and leave in a massive emotional frenzy.

the playdate ensued with a great deal of hilarity and fun and afterwards i made my way home to photograph the car and begin the walk to Ryu's house.

i walked and wondered if i was making the right decision. i have been very emotionally fraught the last several days and i worried that seeing this little carbon-copy of Muffin would send me over the edge.

my ipod soothed me with Andrew Jackson Jihad and Billy Ocean until i made it to the park. i tossed through my memory the photos that Muffin had taken at that very same park with Ryu a mere ten days earlier. my mind was caught up as i passed one of the many jungle-gyms housed in the park where i saw a woman i was CERTAIN was Ryu's grandmother. i didn't want to say anything until i was positive though, so i walked to their house, knocked on the door to find no response and walked back to the park.

it seemed she knew who i was before i said anything, as she walked up to me and said hello. i approached them and was suddenly stopped in my tracks when i realized i was within reaching-distance of Muffin's child. one of the three little people he had made without first discussing it with me. i was there, in broad daylight, with no way to cope with the new set of emotions my mind was creating. i was there, with nothing but a car in my handbag and a pink zebra-print cardigan on. i approached them with absolutely no idea what i would say or do. i went blindly into that foreign territory with what felt like a crumbly spine and an ocean's worth of water on the palms of my hands.

i introduced myself and pulled the car out of my bag and Ryu immediately hopped off the jungle bars and snatched it from me, telling me it was amazing and dancing around on the rocky playarea with his new car-friend. he then came up to me and asked if i wanted to come over to play...

again, i stopped. i had to catch my breath and realize that this was okay and that i could do this. i could spend time with this little boy. he's not a threat, he's not evil, he's just an innocent kid who wanted to play. i looked at his grandmother and she said i was more than welcome to come over. i tried to imagine all the things that could go wrong if i went over and couldn't come up with one so i took a deep breath and said, 'okay.'

we walked and he told me about his day at school and asked me what my name was. i told him it was Danie and he said it was pretty before going off on another tangent. as we walked i spoke to his grandmother about his education. we talked about what school he goes to and she began to tell me many details about his educational upbringing that i hadn't expected her to be candid about.

we arrived at the house and INSTANTLY he had to show me everything, everywhere. he introduced me to his cat, Juice Box (ps. best name EVER for a cat, or what?), showed me his halloween costume (he's going to be a zombie, which immediately prompted me to have a little "zombiegasm" right there in front of that child), pointed out his piggy bank and then took me to the lounge where he pulled out ALL the bones designated for Halloween decorating from their plastic Tupperware home.

he continued showing me things and posing for photos as i talked with his grandmother about England and his upbringing and their cat.

THEN it was five'o'clock and Ryu wanted me to help him water the garden. not his grandmother. me. he took my hand and dragged me outside to show me his bicycle and the hose. he watered and wouldn't let his grandmother help with anything. anytime he needed help, he asked me for it.

the rest of the hour-and-a-half was a flurry of "look at this!" and "hey, come help me with this!" before he settled on asking me if i was his dad's girlfriend and telling me he loved me.

now. i really had no idea what to do with this information. this child comes into my life and suddenly he loves me? i know children are quite rash with their decision-making and i also know that he most likely didn't love me for realsies, but this, my boyfriend's son, telling me he loved me. it made my heart go KABOOM and my head say to me that this was going to be okay. all of this, the kids, the divorce, the visit to america, it is all going to be okay.

as i was preparing to leave he stole my camera from me and took photos of Juice Box, Godzilla, his grandmother and me before saying he wanted to come visit and asking me when he would see me again. i promised i'd stop by again on monday after printing out some of the photos for him.

i walked away after shaking his hand and felt okay. i felt a massive weight off my shoulders about the whole thing.

i texted Muffin to notify him that i had spent the last hour-and-a-half with his son, deliberately being cryptic so as to manipulate him into a phone call, a trap he fell in STRAIGHT away. i told him about the playdate and about the conversations i had with Ryu's grandmother before he had to go for workies-related things.

i arrived home and texted him to say that i love him and that i love his son.

he wept.

the end.

p.s. please see photos from playdate with Ryu.

82001

fifteen days i've been back... the longest i've been in this postal code since 2003.

i'm back and it has been a flurry of excitement, emotion and hugs.

my emotions have been on overdrive, primarily due to my stupid womb and secondarily, because i am back here and i don't have to rush around to see everyone... i can pace myself and plan playdates without a mega-rush on things because i still have another two weeks here.

from the moment i arrived back in the Mountain Standard time-zone my chest felt tight... i walked out of the terminal a completely different person than the girl who left that April afternoon back in 2008... no longer married, at least twenty more tattoos, pink coiff, less weight.
i braced myself for the first gaze my sister would cast upon me. i walked around the airport terrified and recalling the conversation she and i had had only fifteen hours prior when i asked her if she knew what i looked like and what to keep an eye out for at the airport (as it is obvious that it would be hard to spot ME in a crowd). she laughed and said that she had an idea and that she wanted to make sure she looked as normal as possible because everyone would be staring at us and she didn't want to have a wedgie or shit in her teeth whilst we were the centre of the DIA world.

i stood as everyone was greeted by family and friends.

i stood whilst everyone picked up their luggage from the carousel.

i stood, momentarily concerned that LaDonna had forgotten about me and that the airline had forgotten about me and i was doomed to sit in that airport for the entire four weeks until i could go home.

then i saw them. LaDonna and Heyward (her husband and delightful creature) came through the double doors and smiled.

the rest of the evening was spent talking about my travels, my divorce and Muffin. we ate steak and i snoozed slightly in between singing along to the seemingly flawless DJing on the late-night radio station we were listening to.

in the time since then i have seen many special faces, ones i've not seen in years or ones i've never met before but wanted to. ones that i hope i get to see more before i move back across the ocean. Ashley, Justin, Beeman, Stevie, Jamie... tonight, my evening will be starring Scotty, Emma and Jaimal, which thrills me more than most things. i've been attempting to envelope myself in memories, places and things.

two days after arriving i went walking by myself and strolled by my old house, the street i learned to ride a bike on and the places i used to work. i walked and remembered everything... all the little tiny things that built up my childhood and teenage years.

Muffin has come and gone since i've been back. he left Monday and we spent the four days we had together re-living the memories of eight years ago. it was our first time together again in Cheyenne, something we've both been attempting to orchestrate, since our last playdate back in 2002.

we walked past the road where we had our first kiss, stopping to hold hands and remember the way the mustang hummed as he leaned over to give me the first of a billion. we walked to the place we very first met and held one another, recalling the clothes we were wearing and what we thought when we first saw one another. he drunkenly walked with me past my old house again... a late-night walk that left my emotions raw, but made me realize how close we are. we walked to the back of the house and recalled where he used to sneak in and i pointed out which rooms were which before weeping slightly and having him take me into a massive bear hug and walk me the rest of the way back to LaDonna's house.

sometimes even now it all seems so foreign to me... i'll see his face and it'll take me back to that July in 2001 when we first started dating. when i walked into the McDonald's where he was employed and he made excuses to come to the front of the store to talk to me. i still can't believe it's real occasionally.

so many things have changed... marriages, tattoos, oceans, wars, deaths, children.

i saw one of his children for the first time ever on sunday. something i hadn't anticipated but something i am happy happened. i was frozen with terror when i saw an exact carbon copy of Muffin rolling towards the car on his scooter as Muffin got out and walked to that log-adorned house. i didn't know what to do or say. LaDonna asked me what was up as we pulled away and i poured out my heart... i poured it all over her and her car and the street and the beautiful blue day. i talked about the kids and the fate of my womb and our history and future and everything. she was unbelievably supportive and made me feel like i was going to be okay. she told me that if we were meant to have kids then we would.

it was with that that i realized that all the fears i had surrounding LaDonna hating him were not going to come to fruition. all that worrying and fretting was completely in vain. she seemed to like him. we talked about Muffin during the rest of our shopping excursion and until we pulled back up to the house to retrieve him. i watched as Ryu hugged him and i braced myself to freak out but i didn't. all i wanted to do was get out of the car and hug Muffin because i could see, as he walked away from his middle child, that his heart was sore.

we got home and laid in bed to have the conversation that was bound to happen... about his kids and us and how i felt. he cried and i held him, feeling okay, which is not what i expected. i just held him and we talked about the kids and how i felt about seeing Ryu and what we would do the rest of the day. it was really okay and despite the initial terror i felt, i reckon i will be okay. the next big hurdle will be Molly in December, and i reckon that'll be slightly harder... no, astronomically harder, but worth it. he tries so often to shelter me from his children and i really don't need that. i need to know they're there and make my peace with that fact, otherwise this, him and me, we won't work. i can't ignore it.

anyways, back to 82001.

i'm here and i'm going through a massive internal scrapbook that has built-up countless entries since the day i was born... i've gone through hundreds of photos, at least a dozen of my mum's boxes and the last of my belongings that were left here when i moved away. it's been a special trip and one that i absolutely needed.

thank you Cheyenne, for the memories. let's be sure to do this again.

"you complete me"

two weeks had passed by a mere eleven hours and we were laid in bed.

this was thirty minutes ago.

i was curled-up against his left side, him on his back, forcing him to tell me about love again. he told me how nobody's made him feel like i have. nobody's touched him like my hands do or looked at him the way my eyeballs do. he said that nobody's cared for him or made him feel like he mattered like i have.

in a sleepy haze, as my left hand drew up the entire right side of his body, he told me that i complete him.

because he was such a sleepy bear, i didn't ask for him to elaborate, but i didn't want to say anything else either... i just told him i loved him... which i do, so much.

i laid there, listening to his heart beat and sighed, the air forced out of my lungs causing a breathy scene on his tummy hair, apparently, because he stirred and asked me what i was thinking. "nothing..." was what i said...

what i was THINKING was completely different.

what i was thinking was what ways i complete him...

i have had a front-row seat in the theatrical scenes of his life over the last ten years... all of it beginning that day outside of McDonald's and ending, thus far, right now, here, with me on this chair and him in the bedroom, sleeping until he has to awake again for work. in the last ten years i have seen what things he's been lacking, the things the people in his life have not given him... wives, friends, lovers... they've all mistreated him in one way or another, leaving me in a position to fill a lot of spaces, which i do without even thinking most of the time. the mere act of me putting the dishes in the dishwasher or going for walks by myself astound him and nearly cause fanfare in our household as they are things that his estranged would have never dreamed of doing, so let alone the facts that i cook, do laundry and wake up at half past four every work morning with him to make him breakfast and lunch, i have surpassed Origami and established myself as a firm fixture in his life.

clearly, when i think about it, i complete him in physical ways, by cooking, cleaning, offering a healthy sex life and being substantially more beautiful than many of the previous females that he's been with, but i also listen... i am THERE and i offer insight, suggestion and love when most others will not.

there's no need to toot my own horn, but i will... i AM awesome. since splitting with Christopher, i have really pulled my act together and am a fairly fabulous person and potentially quite the "catch" for any potential suitor (that is, if i were living in victorian times and people still worked in that way, which, btw, would be SOMUCH fun! just a row of fabulous boys, all vying for my attention and affection). i am almost completely capable of doing all things a normal adult would do (ie. cooking, cleaning, money management, working and, clearly, becoming a citizen of other countries) but remain steadfast in my own personal convictions that make me ME. i am brash, sassy and loud without any apologies and i feel like (and have been told) that a lot of people respect that. i am really happy with the person i am today, so when i look at what possible reasons there might be that i could "complete" Muffin, it is clear that the fact that i am here, finally, after all this time, still with an unwavering love for him, means something and makes his heart feel like it's finally clicked into place.

on the flippity-flop side of that coin, you have danie... the over-thinker, wondering now how he completes her and if he indeed DOES.

the last several days have been huge for me because they've offered me time on my own to contemplate my life and the choices i've made. i've been assessing my relationships with people (yeah, MANY blogs to come) and, whilst not making ultimate decisions about my future, musing about possibilities.

Muffin completes me... hrm... he makes me feel insanely comfortable. he makes me feel like i don't need to question myself, which is a cool breath of fresh air after the last seven years with Christopher. the way he looks at me and watches me makes me feel so at ease and okay with my life decisions thus far and i need that a lot right now. i need to feel like i'm doing okay.

he takes care of me, sometimes at the risk of his own happies, which i both like and don't like. he spends money like nobody's business (which is a part i kinda DON'T like, mostly because it makes me feel awful for not having saved more before i moved out here. i don't like feeling guilty, and when people spend money on me, i instantly feel guilty) and takes me out, gets me presents and surprises me with dinner-dates. he will lie on his left shoulder so i can be the little spoon, even when it is aching from combatives at workies during the day. he will feed my seemingly endless sexytime appetite even when his knees are too tired to work anymore. he is a good boy who really does love me and take care of me and i appreciate that because nobody has ever loved me as gently or deeply as he has.

there is still some big part of me though that feels so empty. the part of me that caused the sigh from paragraph six. feels like there is a void that needs filling... the part that started really hurting as our evening of comfortable lovely was cut short by a phone call from his ex-wife, which i knew i should have left the room for. instead, i laid on his chest and listened to his internal organs make all their noises as they discussed their daughter and the parcel that was recently sent. Molly got on the phone and my chest instantly weighed a ton... maybe two. i listened to her talk about the stickers, binoculars and football before saying she loved him and glee'ing over the fact that she had said it to him before he could say it first. that part is the one that worries we will never have kids. we talk about it a lot... what we will name them and how we would raise them, but i always wonder what is actually going through his mind when i am happily going on about my views on breastfeeding, pacifiers and music. that's a part of me that i will not know about the completeness of until it happens... or doesn't.

i imagine all the other empties i have on my table in my life are just from the people and things that i've left. Janey, Pow, Nick, Franny, Graham and Lee Lee. i keep picking things out that i forgot to do/say/bring with me and i occasionally freak out about it, feeling like i NEED it immediately and try to act upon it, and then i see Muffin's face or the fishfaces or something else in the house that is OURS... that has been born from us actually beginning this life together, finally, and i stop and calm myself and realize that this is just the current, i can change it however i want and i will if i feel like i need to.

so here we are, danie, signing out, still scared, but kinda excited about the road ahead.

the things we did and didn't do...

I should start this by saying that I am hardly ever nervous about anything… ever. I am a fairly confident and with-it female who has her head locked on straight and in the upright position; I know how to rationalize things in a realistic and healthy manner…  

This is why I found it odd to feel my tummy gurgling with anxiety for the entirety of yesterday.

You see, Chris has a sister and her name is Maria. She is absolutely lovely and is the wife of a gentleman called John and the mother of three fabulously beautiful children named Oliver, Florence and Fergus. 

Now, maria and I have never been what one would call ‘close’ during the course of my seven years with Chris… we didn’t talk often and I think I can count on one hand the amount of times we have hung out. She is lovely and we would have very brief but altogether nice chats on the phone when I was around to answer during one of her phone calls, but overall, nay. 

This is why I found it rather odd to find her sending me texts and emails regularly about a week after Chris and I split up. Her emails and text were not prying… they were really lovely, in fact. She wanted to meet up and make sure I was well. It all came to a head when she enquired repeatedly until I obliged to a dinner out with her, her husband and the kids for last night. 

This was the source of my nerves… I am honestly not sure at all why I was so nervous… I don’t know if I had expected her to attack me or harass me until I broke down, but what I DID know is my tummy was full of ugly at the thought of meeting up with her. 

I mused about possible events at work throughout the day… Al (a fabulous creature that I share an office with) offering me insight and suggestions for dealing with it. I discussed with the muffin some and just resigned myself to a potentially stressful dinner and then home to work on the costume. 

That is until around half three when I received a text from Pow Pow… the text read…

‘Danie she loved it so much, she was giddy. She wants to thank you somehow. But I’m not allowed to say!x thank you.x so I’ll be back tonight if you wanted to do movies?x’

(It must first be noted that the ‘she’ he is referring to is his girlfriend, Amy, and the ‘it’ that he is referring to is the Chinook of glory. Several weeks ago I asked Pow if there was anything in particular he wanted me to make for him as I felt I was up for a challenge and he replied saying that his girlfriend really liked Chinooks. Whilst I was hesitant at first to share my wares out to a complete stranger, I agreed simply because of the precious pouty face that Pow has the ability to pull. I made the magical Chinook with special heart-shaped windows to be given to Amy for Valentine’s Day.)

I immediately rang him and we chatted a bit about how excited she was about it and then he asked how I was… I told him that I was nervous because of the din din and he said that he wanted me to ring him when I was done so he could offer a ‘pick me up’ (which, when Pow Pow is concerned, always involves snack attacks and omgphotos!) I said I would ring him when I was done. 

The walk to the restaurant felt like it took a billion years… in reality, it only took 32 minutes, but it was a long journey that prompted my ipod to play all the saddest songs it had on its playlist. That, combined with the dreary weather set the mood appropriately. I arrived with a suitable amount of gloom and stood patiently at the entrance, waiting for my masticating companions. 

Every single child that passed me was delighted and/or confused by me. My hair proved to be too much to most of the children that were participating in their parent’s patronage… I just smiled sweetly at all of them and waited. 

It had been three years since I saw them last. Florence was barely two, Oliver was still getting used to having a younger sister and Fergus wasn’t even a glimmer in Maria’s eye. They arrived together and I was greeted with smiling faces and tiny, precious voices telling me about their snow escapades from earlier in the day. 

We were shown to our table and I was situated in the circular booth between Oliver and Florence. As we perused the menus Florence proceeded to offer me her version of the Spanish inquisition. She asked me about why I had two necklaces, what the dog tags said, why I had blue hair, why I had a bird on my chest, did my tattoos hurt, why were all the holes in my ears difference sizes, why did my earrings not match, how did I do my nails, why did I have rubber bands on my wrist, was the starfish in my necklace real, how did I get it, how did it die… I could go on. It didn’t stop. I patiently obliged and discussed all topics danie-related with her. 

The meal went forward with conversations about my moving back to America, my job, projects I’m working on and what I did for the holidays. At one point, we got up to get salad and when I came back I shifted some of the coats and my handbag and they so happened to become positioned between myself and Florence. Flo demanded I move everything so she could be right next to me. I moved the objects to the other side and the inquisition continued.

 

Once we finished eating I held Fergus for a while. He threw a breadstick at my glasses and Maria took photos. Once I handed Fergus to his dad Flo decided she wanted to sit on my lap and she sat there and we talked about the toys I make and tattoos and took photos.

I so rarely spend time with children, but I feel like now, especially now, when I see children I NEED one. I embraced being able to play with them and talk to them last night… I just adore the fact that they are tiny versions of us that have just not been moulded yet. It amazes me and I just want one so bad… one that I can teach and snuggle and read to and just have as a part of my life. 

On our way out the door I sent Pow a text asking him if he was about ready for a visit from danie and he replied saying he was and that he was calling his dad so he might not hear me (this is only funny if you know the ‘code’ that was made up on my birthday… suffice it to say that it delights me to no end that he has started using my code. If you want to know more about the code, as a member of staff.).

I then hugged everyone and got in my taxi. I got in the taxi and immediately deflated… without thinking I said aloud, ‘well THAT was exhausting!’ and he asked if that was my family. Now Danie, being the outrageously open person she is (but also being familiar with this particular taxi driver), decided to tell the whole story about the divorce and the fact that that family was comprised of my estranged in-laws to this almost-stranger… he and I talked about divorces for the remainder of the journey and the fact that I was american and may be moving back. 

I am realising more and more how often I talk to strangers and tell them everything. Stacey finds it incredibly alarming that everyplace I go I find someone to talk to about things… I adore talking to people. It makes me incredibly happy. 

I arrived at Pow’s and I instantly put the kettle on and began the cups of tea streaming. I sat down whilst he did the washing-up and told him how tired and ‘saggy’ I felt. I explained why I was feeling so exhausted and we talked about that for a while… about my fears for moving back to america, my hesitations and general urgh! 

I showed him photos of the kids and said that I wanted one and he said, ‘well, you’ll have other people’s for a while now!’ I both love him and hate him for making this comment. I love that he knows that I will be a ‘step-mum’ of sorts to the muffin’s three children and I also love that he makes light of it when, in actual fact, I hate the fact that it is true… I WILL have to live through other people’s children. Sigh.

He and I talked about avatar (as he had just gotten home from seeing it). This film has been on my shit list since I saw the very first poster for it ages ago. I HATE fantasy films and I HATE the stupid blue faces of the characters. I vowed never, EVER to see it. He reckons I should go see it in the cinema in 3-d and that I would really like it. I might. We’ll see. He then noted that he saw an advert for Alice in Wonderland in 3-d which I have already reserved him for. We will have a fabulous dinner out (most likely at burger king or wetherspoons) and then go and watch some fabulous imagery whilst consuming hot dogs, popcorn and cola. 

We then talked for a while about his past relationships, Amy, Janey and my moving back to america and then put things on his calendar (namely, our mandible date for tonight, my leaving party (which prompted him to call me a bitch), my leaving date and my birthday).

Then his parents showed up. His mum bumbled into the house armed with wool… lots of wool. I had emailed her earlier in the day asking her if I could steal some of it for the bear blanket and she obliged. His dad was helping him with shifting some stuff up into the loft, so his mum and I sat downstairs and talked about wool, the playhouse, her other kids and the fact that she was amazed by how well and fast and I can crochet without watching. She is so, SO lovely. Both of his parents are; I love them so much!

Once they left we watched a bit of telly and then Ladykillers (the remake). We giggled a lot, ate snacks and then, when the film was finished, we filmed a video and took some super-sassy photos.

Around one a.m. I left and upon arriving home I uploaded the photos and retired to bed, bantering via text with Pow until I fell asleep. 

It’s days like that that I will miss… days that are full of lots of things but also full of… wonderful. Work. Meal. Pow. It was perfect. Just to have a friend like that, god I feel so lucky. 

In other news, it is a mere two days until the muffin gets his orders… a mere two days until I will know the exact day my world will stop revolving around anything but myself and my heart. 

All excitement aside it’s been a bit blargh this week between him and me. Like, we’ve talked some and it’s been nice, but we have both been so busy that we haven’t been able to dedicate quite as much time as usual to one another. I still send him long, fabulous emails several times a day, mostly because I LOVE talking, but he rarely responds with much more than a sentence or anything. He’s a busy boy, starting to prepare for leave, so I will leave him to it. 

Sigh… my heart feels heavy. 

Off to London tomorrow to see my janeyface and to cuddle her to death. I shall meet my future husband and eat buns until I explode. It will be wonderful and hopefully not TOO tense.