July 2015...

Sweet merciful god. It is hot. I am working on another blog post right now about our gigantic move, so I'm going to do this post about things I adore at the moment and then move on to finishing the other blog.

Things i love most RIGHT NOW:

• Air conditioning... Good lord it is hotter than blazes here. Like, legit, I have never been so hot in my entire life. I may have mentioned being hot in the past... I was wrong. Very, extremely wrong. I regularly have sweat in places I had no idea were able to sweat. I want to live in a cool shower and/or lie on the sofa in a bathing suit constantly. However, the socially unacceptable nature of those activities meant hat we have a swamp cooler that helps us to exist. Not a perfect existence, but an existence. The car and any public stores are my favourite things right now because they pump air conditioning to the masses like it's water.
• Ice water...I LOVE ice. And water. And ice water. Our ice maker is pretty much my bff at the moment.
• Ice cream... I am sure you're sensing a theme. Ice cream is making every void in my life complete at the minute. It's gorgeous icy-ness is everything that I could ever need in the world. And I'm not limited to creamy treats. I am madly in love with sorbet as well.
• Having a kiddo around... It's so nice. Our house is completely full of laughter and snuggles and general glee. It's so magical to have a little person around to ask questions and absorb everything we say like a little sponge. She says hilarious stuff all the time and makes us challenge ourselves and our beliefs. It's a really special things to have her around. 
• The El Paso skyline... Seriously. It does not matter where we turn, those enormous mountains command all attention. I discovered that the mountain that runs down the center of El Paso represent the southernmost tip of the Rocky Mountains, which is super exciting. It's an enormous range of mountains that take my breath away every single day. They're no Mt. Rainier, but they are spectacular in their own right.

Things that are consuming my life right now:

• Making our new house a home... Guys, this house is beautiful and I couldn't be more pleased with it. But we have a lot of stuff that needs unpacking still. We've made a ton of headway, but there's still a lot of work to do. Pictures are being hung and trinkets are being displayed, so it's coming along.
• Cooking at home... Muffin and I need to eat better. So does the little lady. We are working on being much healthier and making better decisions when it comes to snack and meal time. I've been stalking recipes on Pinterest and have been making a lot of lists. It's been relatively successful in the past week, but we could do better. Wish us luck.
• Killing ants....  Seriously. Ants are ruining my life. Our actual entire back yard is completely covered in ants. We tried to plant some fresh veggies to grow and the veggies were covered with ants within hours. We have tried coffee, grits, baby powder, and two types of poison with no luck so far. I am at my wit's end. Any suggestions!? Bare in mind that I have a puppy and a kiddo to keep safe and healthy!

Things I want to tell August Danie:

• "You're in Texas now. You're here and you're roasting hot. Get used to it. It's going to be hotter before it gets cooler."
• "Hopefully things have continued on as positively as they have been. Keep being kind and maybe that kindness will follow."

last but not least... here's a quote. 

June 2015

Well, we are now successfully into June and we are now officially sixteen days away from moving halfway across the country and I am fucking exhausted. My entire existence is made up of equal parts cardboard, packing paper, yarn, and homework. I have had hardly any time to myself to stop and take a moment to breathe. I am just on full blast, running at top speed, burning the candle at both ends, and all the other sayings that exist to denote frazzled.

Only just now have I taken an evening to do some relaxed activities which include organizing my Pinterest, planning moving tactics, and figuring out what I'm going to pack next. I'm going to get this list out now, that way I can get to bed and be up bright and early for some packing fun.

Things i love most RIGHT NOW:

• Cutting hair again... It seems that all my neighbours have decided to realize that I cut hair NOW, instead of for the past year. As a result, I've been cutting a ton of hairs and I forgot how much I love it! Now though, we're moving in two freaking weeks and those turds decided to wait until the last minute to want me as their hairdresser. Great. Hopefully, I'll take over all of El Paso with my shears and colour brushes.
• OMG NEW HOUSE... You guys, we got a house in El Paso and it's pink and I love it. We had initially set out to have a house paid for and ready to move into the instant we moved to Texas and many, many people attempted to shatter our dreams of a seamless move by telling us horror stories and generally shrouding our hopes with doubt. Little did they know, we had the most fucking awesome good luck to be introduced to an amazing woman in El Paso who has done a lot of footwork for us, looking at houses and giving us information. She has been a godsend and I don't know how we could have gotten through the past few weeks without her. Anyways, she went and looked at some properties for us and Monday she went to look at a house that we fell immediately in love it! It's completely refurbished and has an enormous backyard!! Photos will occur and you will all be very impressed!
• American Ritual Tattoo... I'm so pissed that it took us until a month before our move to discover the gorgeous people that work at this shop. They are the funnest, sweetest, and most wonderful people and the work they do is fantastic.
• Organization...This whole move thing has really prompted some serious organization in our lives. I am organizing the fuck out of EVERYTHING! I am loving purging and sorting things into different, useful places. Hopefully, all this work will pay off when we arrive in Texas, because if it doesn't, I'm going to lose my mind.
• My beast is pregnant... My most favourite, gorgeous human in the world is FINALLY pregnant! That gorgeous Ashley of mine has a tiny baby in her belly and I couldn't be more excited for her if I wanted to be. For over a year now I've been patiently waiting for her and her husband to announce a bun in the oven. Every time she's posted a photo I've secretly hoped that it was an announcement that another beautiful human being would be brought into the world.. But it wasn't until last week that I got a text from her with a photo of a hoodie-shrouded belly telling me that she wanted me to be one of the first to know. My little heart swelled and that reminded me how much I love her and how much love that tiny human will be surrounded with. Ashley is a fantastic person and deserves wonderful things in her life. This little man is going to be rad.

Things that are consuming my life right now:

• SELLING ALL THE THINGS... I have hit the point in our move that I want to literally just burn our house down. I am sick of packing and I am sick of negotiating space like I am playing a life-size version of Tetris. As a result of this packing exhaustion I have decided to rid our lives of as many things as I possibly can. We're getting rid of pretty much anything that we are able to, so I've been flogging things left and right everywhere we go. We've gotten rid of a pretty substantial amount of crap, but there's still a ton to go.
• OMG PACKING... Yeah. My world is made up of boxes. Everything in my life is in or around a box right now.
• Ice Cream... It is hot. So hot. And I hate heat. So ice cream is my bff right now. It is all I want to eat at the moment. Just ice cream, all the time. Watch out Texas, you'll have a cold treat shortage in two weeks.

Things I want to tell May Danie:

• "All this shit will be over with in two weeks. You will be on the road to a new life in two weeks. Are you ready for how fantastic this is going to be?!"
• "Be patient."

last but not least... here's a quote. 

The only barriers that you have are easily overcome if you push yourself hard enough. Find your dreams and make them happen. That's what we're doing!

April 2015...

April is coming together interestingly and with a boom and a bang. It's been a long month already and how that could possibly be will come in a blog possibly tonight. Maybe tomorrow. We shall see.


I'm just going to go ahead and get my list moving so that I can get back to homework and stuff, but know that I have been elated, delighted, and every ounce as happy as it is physically possible for me to be. I hope you have too. So much. I want everyone to feel the air or gorgeous lightness that I am feeling. I want everyone to know that good things will come and that faith must be had that things will fall where they are supposed to. Please, take time to yourself and make your mind calm in the fact that the world, your world is going where it should. I promise.

Things i love most RIGHT NOW:

• My new Beats... I got them as an early graduation gift and I literally don't think I could be more pleased. I have verbally abused many people about how ridiculous I think it is that people feel the need to have such an expensive piece of technology in their lives, but now that they are adorning my ears (and I have not depleted my own bank account for them), I am in love. They are the most beautiful colour, with the most gorgeous sound quality. I'm sorry for any hateful remarks I have made about them. They are my new BFF. 
• Getting rid of junk... SO, Dane and I are moving. In seventy-three days we will be bundling ourselves into a Penske truck to begin a twenty-seven hour drive to El Paso where we will begin a new life with lots of sun and possibly chickens (more on that later!). Because we're moving ourselves, I've decided that I want nothing to do with transporting more crap than we need to. I have a tremendous amount of stuff. Countless books, a craft store's full stock of yarn, and more cardigans than I have ever seen anybody have, and I've realized that perhaps the reason I feel so overwhelmed and anxiety-riddled is because I am literally surrounded with an excessive amount of just STUFF. Not things that I need or have any specific use for, just stuff for the sake of having stuff. So we've decided to deplete. So far seven (pretty large) boxes of books, four garbage bags of clothes, three boxes of DVD's, and a couple of pieces of furniture have been shifted out of our lives, and I feel so pleased and marginally more free. We're purging a ton of stuff, and I'm so very excited not only to have the weight of the junk we have off of me, but also to be able to completely start from scratch with a lot of stuff. When we get to El Paso we'll be able to go find a new dining table and sofa, along with other things we need. We'll be able to create a new home in a new place and that is so thrilling. 
• Breakfast... I am currently obsessed with breakfast, particularly steel cut oats. I discovered them when we were in California last and my mother-in-law fed me some, and the romance has been rekindled given that I have TONS of it in the pantry and I want to spend less money. Oats are just so delicious and I adore how many different ways that I can make them such. I have a fridge full of fresh fruit that I cut over them, or I have cocoa that I can use to make them taste like brownies, or I have brown sugar and butter for a really easy morning. They are fantastic!
• My marriage... Despite how horribly things could have become with all of the changes in our lives these last few weeks, things have only become more beautiful. Rather than choosing to be overwhelmed and exhausted, we've decided to be delighted and laugh as often as we can. For every moment that we have panic about the move, we shift our focus to things that are going to be gorgeous about it. We have been talking and sharing small stories about our childhood. We've been snuggling and giving kisses every time we have a spare moment. I couldn't even begin to explain how terrified I was a month ago about the future of our marriage, but this past couple of weeks has shifted everything into a bright patch of light that has reminded us that things are okay and it's alright to trust one another and I can't believe how furiously it's made me love everything else in my life.

Things that are consuming my life right now:

• Moving hacks. I want to make this move as easy as possible. I am on Pinterest constantly looking up ways to move specific things (and guys, if ANY of you know of a majestic ways to move all of  my makeup and cosmetics without them killing themselves in the heat, I would love for you to share them) and have found a TON of fantastic ideas, but please feel free to share any special trickery that made your lives easier in the moving process. Particularly things involving cosmetics, paint (acrylic and liquid watercolours), and my stinky puppy (who I plan to sedate for the bulk of the trip, thanks vet). 
• My iTunes playlist. More than consuming my life, it's destroying it. For months now I've been slowly working on new playlists for a new iPod I've had sitting on my bookshelf for literally a year. I want that iPod to be perfectly organized and every song on every playlist to be suitable for the mood that playlist is meant for (sleepytime, emotional cutting, and exercizing, to name a few). I'm getting a little irrationally crazy about it, but I want it to be done and to not have to touch it again for forever, so I've been obsessing over it. I'm so close to being done, but then the double-checking will come into play, and the light at the end of THAT tunnel seems exponentially far away. 
• Studying for state boards. I'm about to certify in Esthetics in Washington and I've been crazy-studying. I take my practical test on Wednesday and my written on Saturday. I want to pass them both IMMEDIATELY, so I've been cramming like crazy. THEN, I'll have to take both tests again to certify in Texas, which is just so exciting, so I've been preparing for that as well. The requirements for Texas are tremendously different than those for Washington, so it's not going to be devastatingly difficult, but it's a lot to prepare for. 

Things I want to tell May Danie:

• "Dude, you are literally moving in a month, have you got your shit together?!"
• "You are a special person and lots of people love you, please don't forget that during this moving process. You will be saying goodbye to a lot of people and they have each touched your life in some way. Show them how much you appreciate them as a reminder to yourself of how blessed you are and as a reminder to them that they mean a lot to you."

last but not least... here's a quote. 
I am an emotional and physical hoarder, so I need this reminder. I can't keep clutching on to things that don't matter anymore. 

tuesday and ting

This Tuesday I don’t FEEL like hearting… I FEEL like curling up on my bed and just existing between dreams and the words of Chuck Palahniuk for the entire day… 

I’m tired despite a fairly excellent sleep, I have a headache despite the existence of paracetamol in my system and I’m cold despite the incredibly beautiful weather we have been gifted today. 

My life is anything but unpleasant. I am aware that I have been blessed with a life that most people would die for. I am spoiled rotten, quite gifted when it comes to baking and arts and crafts and I seem to have good luck smile upon me on a daily basis… I don’t mean to complain, but it just feels like, despite all the magnificent things that my life is made of, I just really, really can’t seem to pull myself out of this stupid slump I am in. 

Like, I’m pretty certain I know WHY I’m in this slump… the combination of moving house, moving continents, gaining citizenship and everything that has to do with all of these things, they’ve taken their toll on me… they’ve left me feeling quite tired and I’ve not taken the time to have a nap in amongst all of this. I’ve just been running and running and running and not stopping to smell all the flowers (metaphorical relaxing days for myself) and taking for granted the wonderful helpers on the side of the road who’ve been offering me cool bottles of water (metaphorical respite and rejuvenation). I have just been bulling along through my days with my own stupid agenda and now, as of like, last night, I just feel like it’s genuinely taking its toll on me. I feel like I am destroying all the special, beautiful little things in my life. 

Yesterday, despite having had an amazing weekend, I felt raw, arsey and bored. I started the day deciding I was going to only exist for me and laid in bed with a cup of tea and re-reading haunted by Palahniuk. I laid there for two hours and whilst I don’t typically enjoy activities such as this, I really, really loved it (as you will read further on down).

After an hour or two I got on with cooking a meal for Pow and me, working on my newest project and watching films. I spoke to Muffin in the morning and it was alright… as I said above, I felt bored. After our chat I meandered into the lounge and threw myself on the sofa and said I felt strange. Pow asked me what I felt strange about and I went on to explain how I have developed a feeling of complacency… 

several weeks back Muffin had told me that he was busy and that he didn’t have the time to contact me as much as I wanted and that he worried if we had to go a day without talking I would fall to pieces. Well, ever the spiteful little lady, I spent the following two days not talking to him, purely to show him that I was able to do it. since then I’ve severely cut down my talk-time with him which has, in turn, left him emailing me less and… well… let’s just say we only really talk during the brief calls he makes to my mobile, which SHOULD be good enough, but when he spent the first two or three months grooming me with between three and six LONG and incredibly emotional, lovely emails a day and photos and videos and OMG… 

I’ve been left feeling a little like a deflated balloon. I’d gotten so used to having him there, always sending me emails and taking photos and things… 

Now, I just feel complacent. I feel like I’ve backed off SO MUCH that we’ve created a distance that makes me feel really ugly inside. I don’t feel as excited as I used to when I see him come online…. I still DO get excited, but nothing like I used to. People at work have started to notice that I don’t talk about him as much and I guess I just generally have this fear that when I get to america it’s either going to be incredibly good or really, REALLY bad. 

I hate the distance and it’s making me tired. I had forgotten how much it hurts to have to be so far away from someone you have such a burning for. I can’t remember what emotions I felt before I moved to England… what worries I had… 

I can’t remember if I was terrified that I would show up and it wouldn’t be good. I can’t remember if I feared that he wouldn’t love me anymore when he had to live with me for good (which, to be fair, DID happen, so really, if I DID fear that, then it wasn’t completely unfounded). I perhaps should go back to old blogs and see what went through my head then and how I coped with it at that time… 

Is it normal for me to be so scared? Does it make me look like an idiot when I say that I worry that we won’t work out despite the fact that we have invested so much time, energy and money into this? Am I a bad person because I am making sure I book my ticket’s return primarily to save me money, but also with the knowledge that if things don’t work out, I will have a backup plan? 

God, I am so terrified. I will be buying my ticket in four days and I am scared. I have never been more scared of anything in my life. I KNOW that when I book my ticket on Friday morning, that’s gonna be it… I WILL be leaving and I can’t turn back. Once I have clicked on that button I can say goodbye to that £600 and keep my fingers crossed for the proceeding 62 days… crossed in hopes that Muffin and I work out and I won’t have wasted all that money on a pipe dream. 

I am aware that I am most likely in a tizzy at the moment because I am scared. I realize that perhaps my mind is creating this fabulous series of doubts in an effort to stop it from having to process all the scary stuff, I AM going to persevere… I AM going to go to america and I AM going to give this time with Muffin a proper go. I know I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t. 

Urgh, let’s not focus on this junk…  just, that’s where my head is. Scattered. 

Now, on to better things! Things I heart!

Janeyvisit… I decided on an impromptu visit to see my janeyface for this weekend. This occurred to me when I realized that I only have NINE WEEKENDS left in the country and seven of those weekends are already full. I booked the other two weekends in to travel down to London to see janeyface, which means I will only be seeing her four more times before I leave (oh dear, just typing that out then, it took me a little short and I got a bit misty, sorry). I will be travelling down early Friday afternoon for a weekend of drinking, clubbing, tattooing, meeting her parents,  and eating more sushi and buns than I ever knew possible. I have been craving sushi like nobody’s business and there’s nobody I love picking-out and eating sushi with more than my janeyface. I can’t actually believe that this is going to be it. this will be the first of only four visits with her before I leave. I can’t believe it. I want to arrive and make sure that I spend as much time memorizing as many of the moments we have together as possible. I love her so much and to think that I won’t have her on the same land-mass as me for thirteen months breaks my freaking heart. She’s such an amazing person. I love her and her beautiful face so much. I’ve no idea where I would be in England without her… obviously in derby, but like, where would I be mentally. She has brought me out of myself in a way nobody else could have. I have more fun with her than I do with most people. She’s an amazingly beautiful and fun person who I can’t help but smile when I think about.  

Lying in bed reading… I’ve never been one to do this. I’ve always found myself far too caught up in just GOING in my life to stop and just enjoy a couple of hours in bed with a book and a cup of tea. I took this opportunity Sunday and relished every single second. I laid on my bed and listened to the hum and vibration of the songs Pow was mixing whilst I let the words from the book crawl into my brainspace and create images and memories for the characters being described in the book. I laid there, under my new duvet and fell in love with my space, my book, my hangover and my afternoon. It was a special series of moments that I took purely for me and my mind and body thanked me for it.
Artificial apple flavouring… particularly sour apple… NOM! 

Nick Parker… again. Such an outstandingly beautiful man… he’s helped me in so many ways, ways he most likely doesn’t even know.the bursts of love i have for him at the moment came in the shape of friday and saturday night. friday night i entered the pub and got myself a drink and he and i sat in the corner heckling the football in between bursts of me attempting to shriek in support of the English team. we talked about the pub and the game and then we talked about me leaving. he told me how much he is going to miss me and said that he wanted to get a tattoo for me before i leave. the next night i fell in love with him again... the moment it happened was when he was performing on stage with Amy... he was performing and wearing a blonde wig and the light made my heart hurt. made it hurt because i have no idea how i could live without the likes of him... how i am going to go a year without seeing his little face and cuddling him, i have no idea. he is such an amazingly beautiful man. so much fun and so beautiful. i am now attempting to ensure i spend as much time as i can with the people i love the biggest in the next sixty-six days... i need to make sure i have as many memories and photos as possible. i heart nick parker and have no idea what i will do without his little face for a year. 
old, disused buildings
Pow's handwriting
Goncalves
calculators
chlorine
the ducks and the way the front one JUDT peeks past my hairline
cardigans
having a fag in the bath
looking back on all the 'looks' i've seen Pow go through
blood orange juice
prawns
the smell of old patient records
sausage dogs
hoovering
ben edmonds
thomas truax
swimming
Poland
knowing i'm better than a lot of people
post-it's
m & m 's
sleeping with the window open
living alone
Energizer Lithium batteries
photodays with Pow
acoustic guitar
remembering times or days when i didn't hate my husband
homemade spaghetti
my drunk tattoos... mmhmm, i'm a winner. a week or so ago i went to the official opening of my tattooist's new shop and everyone got drunk... three cans of cider in, Tara, Kevin's fiance, came to ask if i wanted a tattoo... i was drunk enough to bumble immediately upstairs and pick out the perfect colour to allow two people who've never tattoo'd before to have a go at my arm. i am now the proud owner of two new, very special tattoos, both of which has the individual who did it's name on... so yes, i now officially have two people's names on me and two tattoos i will never, ever cover up. 
body butter
NOT tired days
over-thinking
planning my leaving party
compound words
80's fashion
my memory
Bon Jovi
texts from Nick Parker
my tiny pomp
when black people have the surname 'white'
when friends announce they are pregnant
finally closing the 7 palmerston street book... as depressing as it was, i can't help but feel a massive wave of relief for not having THAT responsibility anymore... it's so, so lovely to just be able to come home at the end of the day and not have to worry about having to care for a house all by myself. i am now on the home stretch back to america and i can't help but be pleased that all the bits and pieces are finally being tied up into parcels with nice little bows. 
glass-collecting at Bar One

how natural it feels to live with Pow... i can't believe how easy it is to live with him. how easy and wonderful it is. we just get on so well and it's like living with the most wonderful, fun, safe person ever. i've never lived with someone that i've been so close to before and it makes me happy to come home every day  to make dinner, pick out a film and lounge on the sofa, creating fabulous things together. he'a my best friend and i have no idea, after living with him, that i will be able to leave him at the airport. 
IKEA
integrating my things with other people's
the USA vs. UK world cup game
my stripey, long-sleeved top
when muffin is being cute
Franny
big brother
prawns and cocktail sauce
popping my joints
women with shaved heads
washing my face
really old books
anatomy books
the seashell animal shelf Pow and i have set up
pesto
salami
doing washing-up
lava lamps
west-country accents
australian accents
snake anatomy
crude people
fluffy robes
oranges
caramel shortcake
really heavy rain
thunderstorms
Gok Wan
IKEA meatballs
Shrek
onions
really good mugs
rotary telephones
charity-shopping with Pow
finding letters or cards from my mum
days when Pow's stable
Alan Carr
my dentist teeth
8 out of 10 cats
really pale girls
Beyonce
Tim Baxley
Stephanie Smith
wigs
my gogol bordello shirt
good hair
feeling helpful
stethoscopes
cowboy hats
snakeskin boots
empire dresses
bowler hats
listening to music as often as possible
builders
posh english accents
the fact that people describe my hair as "hitler hair"
braces
moles (the animal)
my drawings
Ali's signature
Cheerios
milk
the sound of a VHS rewinding
sudden realizations
easy-to-peel oranges
when Pow's in a good mood
when people randomly make animal noises
having a really good surge of creativity
burlesque at Bar One
my Danni Filth tattoo
good dreams
other people's handwriting
scottish accents
shortbread biscuits
smoked bacon

at least once a day...

At least once a day he asks me that question… 

“How are you settling in?”


Every single time I chuckle to myself and tell him not to be silly and that I settled in six years ago… the only difference now is rather than a fiver a day on taxi fair back to mine, I’m only dropping 50 calories as I mince up the stairs and flop into my bed.

I have officially been moved out of number 7 for three days, although I’ve not slept there in six.


The last two visits to the house were the worst, beginning Saturday. Saturday saw me packing all the bits of my tiny life into a van piloted by Mr Tree. All the stuff that had previously adorned the walls and shelves of my bedroom, lounge and dining room were stowed away within their own cardboard prisons, unsure of whether they would be allowed to escape for the next year or not. I reluctantly packed away all the tiny bits and pieces of my life that I had so carefully dotted around my house so as to allow for ample smiles, memory induction and general comfort-clutter.

That Saturday, everything was gone. All that remained in the house were the cast-offs that I was unable to fit into any boxes.

Well, I COULD have fit them, had I not been retarded. I had SO much notice for the move but kept putting it off because it was just far too painful to face. I love that house so much and I thought that perhaps, if I just left it until the last moment something otherworldly would happen and either everything would suddenly and magically be packed for me, or I would be allowed to stay, rent-free for my last ten weeks.


Because of this fabulous lack of preparation, I left the house that day in a state that perhaps resembled some sort of memory-hurricane aftermath… I closed the door that Saturday morning and immediately had to lean on the brick wall that made up the corner of my bay window…. I had to lean, otherwise I would have crumpled into a heap on the street and Tree would have had to have carried me into the van and then carried me into the new house. I leaned and let out a tiny whimper before climbing into Tree’s van and driving off to the new house.

Photos, toys, drawings and ticket stubs, they were what scattered the floor of every room in the house… they were the painful things that I had to approach on Tuesday with ruthless force. Pow and I arrived at the house for noon armed with bin liners, a hoover and cleaning products. I told him that I just wanted everything to go into the bin, no exceptions, and charged upstairs to begin bagging up all the remnants that were strewn about my old bedroom. I knelt and the first thing I found was a stuffed-monkey… a monkey Christopher and I had named ‘Burt Reynolds’ and hung proudly on every door or stairwell we could on a rotating basis. Christopher had won Burt for me at Frontier Days the summer of 2004 during his visit. I cuddled Burt to my chest, smelled him and wept… Pow came in from the spare room with a silly hat on and asked if I was okay. I gave him a thumb’s-up and shoved Burt into a bin bag… suffocated him in his plastic tomb with all the other memories that he would have to live with for eternity.


Every single little thing I passed my fingers across held its own special memory that I replayed in my mind and that broke my heart… the stars hung on the wardrobe, the toucan gravy boat and the bottle of Advocaat. Every single one of those things, upon picking them up, whisked my memory bank to the middle of the ballroom in my mind and performed a heart-wrenching and emotional rendition of some sad production or dance routine that left me feeling weary, weepy and some other suitably sad ‘w’ word that I can’t even think of at the moment. 

Pow had to leave early, so I forced him to take one final photo at number 7... the photo that is effectively one of my favourite photos ever...

At the end of the day I left number 7 with my giant lily in my arms and Nick in front of me.


I left the keys on the table along with a letter I wrote to my landlord.

I left the house I had fallen so, SO madly in love with three years ago for the last time.


I maintained my composure without crying purely because Nick is precious and hysterical and I couldn’t help but laugh at the visage of myself holding my giant lily plant, freshly dug out of the garden and placed in a bin liner (the only thing big enough to hold the plant’s giant roots) as though I were some off-beat beauty-pageant queen with the biggest bouquet in the history of the world. I pranced around in the hallway before making my way into the fresh evening sunlight and closing the door for the final time.


Nick dropped me off at the new house, which was thankfully devoid of housemate, we had a cup of tea and he left me to it. I immediately didn’t know what to do… I felt a little lost. I stood in the kitchen that I was so familiar with and stared at the mess the combination of my life and Pow’s had created. I set on to tidying it, did all the washing-up, completely re-organized the kitchen cupboards and transplanted my lily before washing my hands and settling down on the wheelchair in the garden with a cup of tea, my book and chevy for my first relaxed sit-down at my new, temporary residence.


The last three days have been blissful. The house has now been perfectly tailored to suit both of our needs and living with him is one of the best things that I could have imagined.


I spent the two weeks prior to the move fretting over the fact that me moving in with him was either going to be the make or break of our friendship… sure that he was going to HATE living with me and would kick me out within a week.


We exist in a wonderful way that has been described by people as ‘combining two of the exact same people in one house.’ We have restful evenings watching films and creating, nice walks to the shop and just the right amount of time away from one another to make our random antics throughout the house all the more perfect.

My moving-in seems to have been the best thing for both of us. I get to spend as much time as I want with my squishy-face and he gets to have his PA living with him and helping him sort his life out for ten weeks. He seems happier and I am so, so much happier.

He is such a safe place for me…  someone that I can really just sit and be completely relaxed and myself with. I love his house, him and my life at the moment. I couldn’t possibly be happier, even if I tried. 

 my bedroom

Learned Helplessness…

I HATE the sun...
I hate June for being so hot then cold...
And I hate this year for going by so quickly.

In seventy-seven days, I’m leaving…  I’ll be packing up the last bits and pieces in my temporary home…  placing little things around Pow’s house for him to find eventually… things to help him remember that I love him and am thinking of him, almost as if I’ve not gone.

In seventy-seven days I will be a weepy mess… it hit me REALLY hard, like a ton of emotional bricks, last Monday afternoon. I was in Pow’s kitchen opening the rather difficult packaging around some Sainsbury’s Garlic Chicken Kievs and Pow was stood to the right of me.  He was happily packing things away into his fridge from our expedition to the shop for MEGAsnacktime treats. We were still covered in the filth, mildew and spider’s webs from our date in the Hippodrome and preparing ourselves for an afternoon/evening in with the telly, lots of garlic-based foods and each other. I was still contemplating the fact that my life is actually made of magic when Pow turned to me and said, “It just doesn’t seem real…”


I looked down at the Kievs and then over to him, puzzled, wondering what it was about these particular breaded-chicken products that didn’t seem real and asked for further explanation.

He went on to explain to me that the “it” he was referring to was the fact that I’m leaving… 

I’m leaving… 

No matter how many times I say it, the words still don’t seem real to me. in eleven weeks I won’t be doing my food-shopping anyplace I am familiar with, I won’t be eating anything I am used to and I won’t have any of the creatures I have grown so familiar with as my constant companions within walking-distance. The thought of it actually causes me physical pain. The thought of having to be so far away from people like Pow, Janey, Nick, Tree and Meek. The thought makes my stomach immediately curdle like last month’s full-fat, blue-capped milk. I’ve never been so terrified of anything in my life.

The terror of late comes not just from the fact that I will be leaving all my favourites for thirteen months, but also from other things… 

The first thing is that every single day I hear a new variation of why other people are finding my leaving hard. Every day my ears play host to words like, “I can’t believe you’re gonna be gone,” “I am going to miss you,” “it’s not gonna be the same without you,” and “I’m just pretending it’s not actually happening.” That last one killed me the most. The last one was said to me whilst on the phone to Jaacqy. It was said after I performed my regular rendition of, “how many days until Danie leaves now?!” he paused on the phone line and said that sentence that made my heart die a little bit.

Whilst it is nice to have people tell me how much they love me and will miss me, it just makes my heart ache more to know that I will be so far away from these people I’ve spent the last six years bonding with.  These people that have helped me in more ways than they will ever be able to comprehend. These people that actually care that I am leaving… something I didn’t realize before, that anyone barring Pow would care I was leaving.


The second thing is that Muffin and I have been weird the last two or three weeks… it may not be so much that WE have been weird, but more that I have been weird and I am projecting, but it most certainly feels like we are both in a weird place. 

I HATE it when one of us has a series of busy days, because typically the other one of us has the tendency to get quite clingy and needy and I can’t deal with that. I love when we talk and I love the fact that he and I are pretty much constantly on the same wavelength… what I DON’T love is the fact that he is most likely going to read this and freak out and think immediately that I hate him and don’t want to move to america. I so do, but whilst all of my time here is winding down and his time in Iraq is winding down we are talking less and less and it is hurting more and more. I feel disconnected, lonely and tired. He rarely ever emails me anymore and when I talk to him it is rare for me to feel anything but annoyance for the fact that I KNOW the conversation typically won’t last more than twenty minutes… that annoyance gets projected as venom onto him and makes our time spent talking mechanical, abrupt and difficult. I hate it. I just wish that he would email me more or anything, but… meh. I guess I am just incredibly worried that I will arrive in america and all the things I had been hoping for will have completely dissipated due to the lack of contact and we will have nothing left but a bit of sexual frustration which has to halt eventually like most things. I worry that I will arrive and all of these eggs that I have put in my basket will just get tossed around and broken and then what will I be left with? Nothing. I’ll be back where I started…


Oh who knows, this is most likely just a little blip in the radar. I’m tired, exhausted from my weekends and generally daunted by the upcoming weeks (the fact that I don’t have a free weekend for the next seven weeks) and just want to take a hot bath and not have to bloody worry about anything. The only time I don’t HAVE to worry about anything at the moment is when I am with Pow…

It seems that as of late, when Pow and I spend time together we are spending the bulk of the time making sure we don’t lose out on any precious time we have together. When we are together now we talk a lot more, hug longer and are generally closer. Every single little nugget of time we have together is super-important and it seems like he’s FINALLY realized that and is embracing it.


It’s now two days until I move in and we are both SUPERexcited about it. I can’t wait to have constant time with him… time to make videos, talk, create, watch films and generally just get a megadose of Pow.

Lately our dates have featured a lot of talking… a lot of processing certain thoughts and emotions. One wouldn’t typically think that going to Pow would offer more than a little light comic relief, but I trust him… I trust every little opinion he has to offer and I appreciate everything he has to say. It’s all been particularly helpful as I’ve needed to talk a lot lately because I’m beginning to experience these stupid, tiny, pangs of doubt, which is distressing me…

danie NEVER doubts her decisions. danie MAKES decisions and goes with them at full speed with no question or serious thought behind them...

i do this because i am a firm believer that the first, pulling gut-reaction that one feels is more often than not the most real and right-for-you thing to go with when making a decision...

"hey, what do you want to drink?" DR PEPPER!
"yo, what's your favourite band?" MAGNETIC FIELDS!
"dude, what's your favourite film?" RAINMAN!
"are you going to be happy with dane forever?" ... uhhhh... mmmmmostly? Yes, i THINK so.

Yes, THAT'S where my head's at at the moment...

this isn't to say that i don't want to go to america and give it a go still... this isn't meant to be taken to say that i am staying in england and never talking to dane again... this should be taken for the fact that i am finally, for once in my life REALLY thinking about what i am doing (wait, does this mean I am ACTUALLY a human, capable of rational thought processes?! WHAAAAAAAAT?!)

The fuse on this doubt-bomb was lit by my ever-fabulous ex-husband three weeks ago. He and i were having a chat online when we had the following conversation:


ME:  how do you feel about the whole thing, Chris?
ME: what's going on in your old head?
EX: what whole thing?
ME: well
ME: all of it
ME: dane
ME: me
ME: you
ME: america
ME: divorce
EX: ok. The divorce? We both needed some space to gain perspective and change the things in our lives we were possibly blaming on each other. I don't think that it would have ever been 'seperate beds' space. That wasn't enough. But I've chilled the fuck out alot about lots of things and I feel like a better person now. I miss you terribly and I still know I meant everything I said but I've had to travel the path I have
EX: so its blah. Live and learn I guess. Time heals and all that jazz.
EX: About Dane? I don't really know. It isn't my place to judge. I feel like he has had a chaotic past and that might have an effect on his future. The whole moving/wedding/kids thing this soon after a LDR and stuff just seems insane to me based on how I feel
EX: but then it isn't me or my place and again, you've got a path to travel for better or worse. He makes you happy and thats good
ME: sure
ME: i know what you mean
ME: but i guess i feel i've come out of it shining a lot more
ME: and with a much more positive outlook
EX: shining and positive seems a bit patronising
ME: sorry
EX: it might seem that way to you
EX: but like I said, the way I feel about what you've come out and are doing isn't really my place
EX: but it seems totally crazy to me
ME: yeah
EX: I'm not in the position to say I've found myself or to take any 'forever' steps right now


now, this was most likely just me reading FAR too much into what he said, but, after being his wife for five years, i am fairly good at reading in-between the lines.... not only that, but he trained me very well in the art of over-thinking, which I’ve done in abundance since that conversation.

I’ve been wondering whether Muffin and I ARE moving too quickly.... (GUT REACTION: NO! is ten years too quick?!) the next day I mused over this with Muffin and Pow... we discussed the general outline of the conversation in different ways and they made things slightly more clear in my head... since then I’ve not been musing so much about whether we’re moving too fast, but more about the fact that I will now be living with someone again… I will now have to learn about how to mesh with someone in close-quarters. I will be in a relationship again…

Chris and I split up because I was too selfish and I couldn’t handle being in a relationship anymore…  I was mid-photocopy today, pressing a handful of warm sheets of paper to my face when it dawned on me that I will actually, actively be someone’s girlfriend again. We will be dating and sharing bills and generally be a couple that lives for and with one another. The thought of that terrifies me because of the grounds on which Chris and I divorced. I needed space, to be selfish and live just for me and so we split up. Within a month I was planning ANOTHER forever without any regard for taking time for myself. Granted, the time I’ve had since he and I split has TECHNICALLY been time for me, since Muffin’s been away in Iraq all this time and in nine months we’ve spent a measly two weeks together, but still… it’s daunting and makes me feel a tiny bit queasy.

But really, I need to STOP worrying about the relationship and just embrace what I’ve got going on right now, friends, music, cakes, wool and tattoos. I need to just live for the moment right now and stop worrying and letting things eat me alive. I’m not sleeping, barely eating and only just slightly awake most days. 

sigh... i guess i should get some more packing done. i've barely done any and i've got the lounge, dining room, kitchen and bedroom to finish... i may die. if not, i'll see you at Pow's in a couple of days. 

in 100 days...

In 100 days I will not have to worry about when my citizenship will be coming through.  
In 100 days I will not have to worry about whether I have enough money to get the bus to work.
In 100 days I will not have to worry about when I will purchase my ticket back or how I will get to the airport… 
 In 100 days all I will need to worry about how how good I look when I land and the first thing I will say when I see him again.

In the next 100 days I will be running in a constant state of change… like some sort of… oh god, I don’t know… what changes? Like some sort of insecure, sassy teenage girl about to go out on her first date. THAT is how much my life will be changing every single day until I leave for america. 

Because of all the changes that have been taking place, there are many things it is worth stating here and now, so as to eliminate any confusion, worry or stress… but also to perhaps accidentally break a few hearts and step on a few toes; for this, i apologize in advance... i apologize because i never MEAN to hurt anyone and never make my decisions as a deliberate attempt to upset, but occasionally, these decisions DO hurt and upset and i can't help it. 

right... let's cut to the chase, hey?  Stop dilly-dallying and get on to the meaty bits. 

So, we all know retardstacey’s moving out, yes? If you’ve been reading my blog, you know that she is a fooking lazy, childish idiot who refuses to grow up, so in an effort to remain ‘independent,’ she has decided to move in with her brother and live rent-free until she can ‘get herself back on her feet.’ Awesome. Well, the aftermath of THAT fabulous little trainwreck left me feeling fairly fragile, cranky and generally a mess. For several days I meandered around work, home and town with little or no aim or drive… not engaging in much and most certainly not getting excited about much. I was often so frustrated that I was brought to tears. 

This slump lasted a total of five days… five days of Muffin constantly trying to reassure me and five days of me sleeping little or none. 

On the second day I became desperate…  desperate and drunk. I was out and decided the best plan of action would be to sit down at a table with ANNA, who happened to be at the same locale as me and invite HER to come live with me… now, whilst I am admit this was not my brightest, most shining moment, it was a FAIRLY ingenious plan if you REALLY think about it… she moves in, lives with me for two-and-a-half months* and then I move back to america, leaving room in the house for Mr. Butcher to move back in. EVERYONE wins! I get a lodger, she gets a place to live and he eventually gets to move back into the house that he loves. Her reluctance was drunkenly greeted by my shining explanations of how amazing I am to live with and how much I bake, crochet and how little I am actually in the house. I was then drawn away from the table for another drink (which I CLEARLY needed) and nothing more was said. 

And on the sixth day I saw light. I saw light in the shape of Pow… I agonized over the possibility of having to ask a favour of anyone… I HATE asking favours. There is no other time I in the WORLD that I feel more tense than when I am about to ask someone for a favour. I agonized for the entirety of the day, texting Pow, advising him that I would need his full attention when we spoke next because I had something INCREDIBLY important to discuss with him. I arrived at his house with a hug and sat. I took a valium because I was full of shaky and needed to calm the crap down. The conversation quickly turned to how my housemate search was getting on… I got into a tizzy and said it was horrific… that the best offer I had had was from a forty-five year-old unemployed Indian man, who I was clearly not going to let move into my house. Before I could begin my VERY carefully-crafted speech about how well we work together and how much I love him he stopped, looking very much like an angel with dusk's light shining from behind him as he stood in the doorway of his kitchen, both hands holding mugs of tea with steam rising erratically out of it due to the breath coming out of his mouth as he uttered the words, ‘well, if all else fails, you KNOW you can come live here with me until you go.’ 

WOOOOOSH. The wave of stress IMMEDIATELY washed away and I wanted to hop up and kiss his big, beautiful squishy face… instead, I said that THAT was why I had come over and I had been preparing a speech and could I PLEASE still give it? 

I gave my speech, we laughed and then discussed where my things could go, what room I could stay in, how we could skype between rooms and how much rent I would pay. The whole time we sat on the sofa talking I just wanted to hug him and cry… all the stress in the world was completely gone and it was all thanks to my big squishy-face. I kept my composure and we said that if I hadn’t found anybody by the 26^th then we would begin preparations for me moving in... the search continues. 

Once I had calmed down I went to set up his webcam (so’s I can continue to be his PA and bff whilst I am overseas) and then we chatted with Muffin. It was Pow’s first time using a webcam and he was a little tiny ball of excitement… grabbing as many props as possible, attempting to entertain Muffin in any way he could find. We did that for a while, made the image you can see on the left there at the request of Muffin and then i went home. 


so, despite many possibilities, it seems that the only people looking for a place to live at the moment are either unemployed, eighteen (i've learned my lesson, NOT happening again) or just don't have the money to pay the rent needed to live here... i've had three people look at the house with no luck yet... i have a couple of people booked-in for next week, but if, by tuesday things haven't come to a head i will begin packing my bags to travel across town to live with my bff for nine weeks. 

nine weeks of relief, fun and hopefully as little stress as possible. nine weeks of whittling my life down to a small enough nub to fit it onto a plane, leaving the little bits all over Pow's house. 

as has been noted very briefly in my last blog, i want to make sure that i go over the fact again that in 100 days i will be flying... the date has changed because the thought of being away from Muffin for much longer than that kills me... actually kills small parts of me. i look at him now and it just fucking aches that i can't put my arms around him. it makes my body actually feel physical pain to know that he is 3,000 miles away and it is not possible to go all Master Fantastic on him and reach over to Iraq and pick him up and snuggle him.


so, because of distance, because of time and because my tiny heart is so, SO sick of hurting, i will fly direct into Seattle in 100 days and be greeted by my Muffin FINALLY with the knowledge that this is for forever. we will NOT be forced to part due to the ARMY or a treatment facility or anything... we will finally be allowed to be together, just the two of us, for the rest of our lives if we so choose. the prospect of this makes me so ecstatic. 


when he muses with me about picking me up and tells me that he will be 'driving me home,' it makes my heart do a little hoopity dance that i can't help but love. i adore him and i adore everything that we will be doing together. 


so in the next 100 days i will  be existing in a flurry of downsizing, packing, working on johnny, creating things, getting tattoos and kissing faces. i will be saying 'see you later' to a lot of people, not always knowing if it will be the last time i will see them again before i leave. 


sigh, it's all so huge and fabulous. i can't WAIT to prance back to america for my year-long trip... i can't WAIT to finally see ashley again and see her get married. i can't WAIT to meet Muffin's family and see the sea from an american shore... i just can't WAIT to explore a new life.