it's tuesday... again.

wow, the first tuesday is a while that i've actually sat and picked out images and schtuff! i've been bored today and the result, it seems, was this. they all relate to the list, i promise.

it's bloody cold here and rainy and i want to die every time i go out for a fag, which i blame mostly on the fact that i seem to have decided it's necessary to wear flippy flops (this is because i whined until Muffin bought them for me and i would look like a goddamn jerk if i didn't get good use out of them, rain or shine).

despite acclimate weather, please have a list!

Muffin surprises... he has to get up pretty goddamn early in the morning to be able to get one over on me. lord knows he tries, but he just can't seem to be secretive enough in any way to let me be surprised. even when he tries his absolute hardest, his bushwhacking schemes just don't end up the way he originally intended. take last friday for example... it was april fool's day, he was in the field and they'd been attacked by a wild wind storm that left the camp with no sleeping quarters and an overall bill of damage totaling more than $300,000. he rang me in the morning and told me that they were moving back to the main post in Yakima where they would finish the last seven days of their "training." throughout the day he sent me very convincing texts that said he was moving things back to the post and that he wasn't looking forward to another week there. he EVEN went so far as to send me photos of him stood by his equipment with complaints about the weather attached. around 1500 he sent me a text saying that he had a surprise for me. i didn't hear from him again. 2030 passed and i was draped on the sofa cuddling the dog and enjoying some stand-up when i heard what sounded like Muffin's car pull up (it should be noted now that my boyface is a bit of a douche and "modified" his Kia by lowering it and somehow making it sound like twenty lawnmowers are taking off for flight all at once when running). i immediately jumped to attention and let the dog out, shut off the telly and pranced to the door to find him trying to quietly shut his car door and lurk to the house with a hand full of flowers and a cutesy little grin. it was a beautifully cute surprise that was only slightly marred by his stupidly noisy car. much cuddletime and glee ensued.
the odd cola... i've quit drinking cola for the most part. i'm just now having my first one in over a week and it's a nice little odd treat to offer myself.
planning another journey... and it will be a magnificent one! next week we will be embarking on a seventeen-hour road trip to southern california where i will finally get to meet all of his family and Molly. we shall be gone for a week and i will eat amazingfoods (as Muffin's father is married to a real-live Chinese woman who loves to shower visitors with authentic foodstuffs). i plan to learn a few tricks and gorge myself greatly.
NEXT FRIDAY... this is the day that i've been looking forward to since before i arrived back stateside. Muffin's divorce will FINALLY be final. Origami will legally be out of our lives and i will at last be allowed to hold his hand in public and be his for-realsies all-the-time girlfriend without fear of repercussion from the ARMY.
Extra classic bubble gum
sausage dogs... and also the fact that we stumbled across FOUR of them all at once on the pier on saturday. i nearly had a heart attack. i shall be meeting ANOTHER sausage dog next week when i meet Muffin's brother and his tiny lady, Ellie. SQUEE SQUEE!
Muffin's giant face... but on my LORD there's not a more beautiful face! it's like since he's been back i've set myself the task of memorizing him again. i kiss his eyelids, lips and nose every night until  he falls asleep and smell his ears and press my cheeks against his as hard as i can constantly. i love his face more than i love any other thing in the entire world at the moment. literally, more than anything.
writing on people... it's fun, and for some reason, totally satisfying.
Tom Waits
snuggling with Booger
The Billy Nayer Show
LaDonna
Tim Baxley
my dress collection... photos will occur. it's becoming rather epic and i need to document it.
chicken parmigina
jeggings
my new dress... the dress of beautiful blue wonder that has delicately wonderful silver embroidery across the bottom. it's the most perfect dress almost ever.
Adele
piers
Jaacqy
Cat Power
curry
yorkie terriers
Jim Gaffigan
Eddie Izzard
Seven Days
lavender bubble bath
Target
Paul
nights when i DON'T dream about Pow... because for godssake i hate waking up and having to remember that he hates me. i just want to forget we were ever friends sometimes because the loss of his friendship has been one of the most awfully painful things i've dealt with in my tiny life.
candle wax
sexytime
remembering my mum
my new flippy flops
blue nail varnish
all-butter shortbread
Andrew Jackson Jihad

the end! please, think of what you love this week and embrace them!

<3

i will never accept defeat, i will never quit...

wednesday night became the night that i officially learned how hard it is to be the significant other of someone in the ARMY.

wednesday night i made Muffin ring his commander back, which forced him back into work.

wednesday night i hated myself so much for having him ring his commander back that i drank half a bottle of rum, took a two-hour long bath with the music playing loudly and then spent the following three hours in between vomiting sessions.

today. i still want to die.

i never realized it was so hard. i never realized that i would feel so lonely and i never, ever realized how much his job would affect me.

not all of it has to do with his job. a lot of it is me. like, 3/4 of it is me, my womb and my overactive imagination, but because of his schedule, i am forced to be home, alone, constantly during the day and in the evenings he is just too tired to have much to do with me beyond eating the meal i've cooked and lying in bed with the telly on until he falls asleep within half an hour.

i try to occupy myself. i work out. i jog. i play with the dog. i tidy. i cook. i bake.

none of it seems to offer me any sort of comfort or relief though. at the end of every single day, i still feel the same amount of lonely that i felt when i woke up. the kind of lonely that completely consumes you. the kind of lonely that is stripping me of any desire to continue the routines that i had built up for myself during the days. i've no desire to do the dishes anymore. the laundry only gets done every other day now. i just feel gross and don't want to do much more than smoke and sleep. constantly (but not at the same time, mind, as i am VERY health and safety conscious and am aware that smoking AND sleeping, whilst done in tandem do not mix well).

my bath wednesday night was a drunken release that i've long needed. each of the songs that swirled through the air gave me a different set of memories and images to mull over and pine after.

first was Give and Take by Broken Family Band. a song who's lyrics feel incredibly apt currently. i listened to it on repeat for twenty minutes... the lyrics taking me on an emotional rollercoaster, thinking of Christopher and the destruction of our relationship and thinking of the route my relationship with Muffin is taking now, which leads me to become terrified that i might be the girl described in the song.

second was hit or miss by New Found Glory, which was always OUR song... the song Muffin and i would listen to on repeat until the CD skipped from overuse. i remembered the way we used to sing it and the night, two weeks ago that it came on whilst we were in bed... the way he looked at me and the way he held me as we sang along to the lyrics we had memorized long ago.

third completely took me by surprise in the form of here's what's left by RJD2, a band i'd never in my life heard of, but instantly made me hurt for Bar One, Nick, Franny and everyone that i spent of my evenings with. it's a weirdly beautiful song that even now i find myself traveling back to to wrap myself in the lyrics of.

fourth was to be expected, and was wild is the wind by cat power. the instant it came on i died. the song that jaacqy and i bonded over and the song that reminds me how much i love him and how beautiful he is. it's such a delicately beautiful song with lyrics that make me long for his hugs and kisses.

fifth, as per, ruined me a'la Mr Powers... it was butcher's girl and took me immediately back to eleven in the pee em, six days before i left england. it took me back to the playdate we had with graham that was used as a bit of a practice session for them, but also as a chance for me to film Pow one last time. i cried as i watched him perform, as i usually do, because he is such a strong performer. i cried wednesday because i miss him. i miss having THAT as a best friend. i hate how things have ended and i hurt almost constantly for my Pow Pow and all the things that made our friendship what it was.

as i was pulling myself drunkenly out of the bath the final song came on... one that instantly destroys me on site every. single. time. i hear it. always by bon jovi is OUR song... janey and me. hearing that song brings back so, SO many memories of our first playdate ever, ruining Poison Bear's will to live and... everything. i miss her so much and in the drunken state i was stuck in, i found myself particularly fragile and needed a hug... something i did not get. not even from Booger, who seems to hate it when i sing loudly and obnoxiously.

today... i am still in that fragile hungover state where eating is difficult and all i want is to OMGDRINKALLTHEWATER! i feel lonely and am stuck home again because Muffin has to pull an overnight shift... i just want a hug. i just want to feel okay again. when will that happen?


perhaps after some homemade cookies and a boardgame night with the Lunas. meh. we'll see.

Learned Helplessness…

I HATE the sun...
I hate June for being so hot then cold...
And I hate this year for going by so quickly.

In seventy-seven days, I’m leaving…  I’ll be packing up the last bits and pieces in my temporary home…  placing little things around Pow’s house for him to find eventually… things to help him remember that I love him and am thinking of him, almost as if I’ve not gone.

In seventy-seven days I will be a weepy mess… it hit me REALLY hard, like a ton of emotional bricks, last Monday afternoon. I was in Pow’s kitchen opening the rather difficult packaging around some Sainsbury’s Garlic Chicken Kievs and Pow was stood to the right of me.  He was happily packing things away into his fridge from our expedition to the shop for MEGAsnacktime treats. We were still covered in the filth, mildew and spider’s webs from our date in the Hippodrome and preparing ourselves for an afternoon/evening in with the telly, lots of garlic-based foods and each other. I was still contemplating the fact that my life is actually made of magic when Pow turned to me and said, “It just doesn’t seem real…”


I looked down at the Kievs and then over to him, puzzled, wondering what it was about these particular breaded-chicken products that didn’t seem real and asked for further explanation.

He went on to explain to me that the “it” he was referring to was the fact that I’m leaving… 

I’m leaving… 

No matter how many times I say it, the words still don’t seem real to me. in eleven weeks I won’t be doing my food-shopping anyplace I am familiar with, I won’t be eating anything I am used to and I won’t have any of the creatures I have grown so familiar with as my constant companions within walking-distance. The thought of it actually causes me physical pain. The thought of having to be so far away from people like Pow, Janey, Nick, Tree and Meek. The thought makes my stomach immediately curdle like last month’s full-fat, blue-capped milk. I’ve never been so terrified of anything in my life.

The terror of late comes not just from the fact that I will be leaving all my favourites for thirteen months, but also from other things… 

The first thing is that every single day I hear a new variation of why other people are finding my leaving hard. Every day my ears play host to words like, “I can’t believe you’re gonna be gone,” “I am going to miss you,” “it’s not gonna be the same without you,” and “I’m just pretending it’s not actually happening.” That last one killed me the most. The last one was said to me whilst on the phone to Jaacqy. It was said after I performed my regular rendition of, “how many days until Danie leaves now?!” he paused on the phone line and said that sentence that made my heart die a little bit.

Whilst it is nice to have people tell me how much they love me and will miss me, it just makes my heart ache more to know that I will be so far away from these people I’ve spent the last six years bonding with.  These people that have helped me in more ways than they will ever be able to comprehend. These people that actually care that I am leaving… something I didn’t realize before, that anyone barring Pow would care I was leaving.


The second thing is that Muffin and I have been weird the last two or three weeks… it may not be so much that WE have been weird, but more that I have been weird and I am projecting, but it most certainly feels like we are both in a weird place. 

I HATE it when one of us has a series of busy days, because typically the other one of us has the tendency to get quite clingy and needy and I can’t deal with that. I love when we talk and I love the fact that he and I are pretty much constantly on the same wavelength… what I DON’T love is the fact that he is most likely going to read this and freak out and think immediately that I hate him and don’t want to move to america. I so do, but whilst all of my time here is winding down and his time in Iraq is winding down we are talking less and less and it is hurting more and more. I feel disconnected, lonely and tired. He rarely ever emails me anymore and when I talk to him it is rare for me to feel anything but annoyance for the fact that I KNOW the conversation typically won’t last more than twenty minutes… that annoyance gets projected as venom onto him and makes our time spent talking mechanical, abrupt and difficult. I hate it. I just wish that he would email me more or anything, but… meh. I guess I am just incredibly worried that I will arrive in america and all the things I had been hoping for will have completely dissipated due to the lack of contact and we will have nothing left but a bit of sexual frustration which has to halt eventually like most things. I worry that I will arrive and all of these eggs that I have put in my basket will just get tossed around and broken and then what will I be left with? Nothing. I’ll be back where I started…


Oh who knows, this is most likely just a little blip in the radar. I’m tired, exhausted from my weekends and generally daunted by the upcoming weeks (the fact that I don’t have a free weekend for the next seven weeks) and just want to take a hot bath and not have to bloody worry about anything. The only time I don’t HAVE to worry about anything at the moment is when I am with Pow…

It seems that as of late, when Pow and I spend time together we are spending the bulk of the time making sure we don’t lose out on any precious time we have together. When we are together now we talk a lot more, hug longer and are generally closer. Every single little nugget of time we have together is super-important and it seems like he’s FINALLY realized that and is embracing it.


It’s now two days until I move in and we are both SUPERexcited about it. I can’t wait to have constant time with him… time to make videos, talk, create, watch films and generally just get a megadose of Pow.

Lately our dates have featured a lot of talking… a lot of processing certain thoughts and emotions. One wouldn’t typically think that going to Pow would offer more than a little light comic relief, but I trust him… I trust every little opinion he has to offer and I appreciate everything he has to say. It’s all been particularly helpful as I’ve needed to talk a lot lately because I’m beginning to experience these stupid, tiny, pangs of doubt, which is distressing me…

danie NEVER doubts her decisions. danie MAKES decisions and goes with them at full speed with no question or serious thought behind them...

i do this because i am a firm believer that the first, pulling gut-reaction that one feels is more often than not the most real and right-for-you thing to go with when making a decision...

"hey, what do you want to drink?" DR PEPPER!
"yo, what's your favourite band?" MAGNETIC FIELDS!
"dude, what's your favourite film?" RAINMAN!
"are you going to be happy with dane forever?" ... uhhhh... mmmmmostly? Yes, i THINK so.

Yes, THAT'S where my head's at at the moment...

this isn't to say that i don't want to go to america and give it a go still... this isn't meant to be taken to say that i am staying in england and never talking to dane again... this should be taken for the fact that i am finally, for once in my life REALLY thinking about what i am doing (wait, does this mean I am ACTUALLY a human, capable of rational thought processes?! WHAAAAAAAAT?!)

The fuse on this doubt-bomb was lit by my ever-fabulous ex-husband three weeks ago. He and i were having a chat online when we had the following conversation:


ME:  how do you feel about the whole thing, Chris?
ME: what's going on in your old head?
EX: what whole thing?
ME: well
ME: all of it
ME: dane
ME: me
ME: you
ME: america
ME: divorce
EX: ok. The divorce? We both needed some space to gain perspective and change the things in our lives we were possibly blaming on each other. I don't think that it would have ever been 'seperate beds' space. That wasn't enough. But I've chilled the fuck out alot about lots of things and I feel like a better person now. I miss you terribly and I still know I meant everything I said but I've had to travel the path I have
EX: so its blah. Live and learn I guess. Time heals and all that jazz.
EX: About Dane? I don't really know. It isn't my place to judge. I feel like he has had a chaotic past and that might have an effect on his future. The whole moving/wedding/kids thing this soon after a LDR and stuff just seems insane to me based on how I feel
EX: but then it isn't me or my place and again, you've got a path to travel for better or worse. He makes you happy and thats good
ME: sure
ME: i know what you mean
ME: but i guess i feel i've come out of it shining a lot more
ME: and with a much more positive outlook
EX: shining and positive seems a bit patronising
ME: sorry
EX: it might seem that way to you
EX: but like I said, the way I feel about what you've come out and are doing isn't really my place
EX: but it seems totally crazy to me
ME: yeah
EX: I'm not in the position to say I've found myself or to take any 'forever' steps right now


now, this was most likely just me reading FAR too much into what he said, but, after being his wife for five years, i am fairly good at reading in-between the lines.... not only that, but he trained me very well in the art of over-thinking, which I’ve done in abundance since that conversation.

I’ve been wondering whether Muffin and I ARE moving too quickly.... (GUT REACTION: NO! is ten years too quick?!) the next day I mused over this with Muffin and Pow... we discussed the general outline of the conversation in different ways and they made things slightly more clear in my head... since then I’ve not been musing so much about whether we’re moving too fast, but more about the fact that I will now be living with someone again… I will now have to learn about how to mesh with someone in close-quarters. I will be in a relationship again…

Chris and I split up because I was too selfish and I couldn’t handle being in a relationship anymore…  I was mid-photocopy today, pressing a handful of warm sheets of paper to my face when it dawned on me that I will actually, actively be someone’s girlfriend again. We will be dating and sharing bills and generally be a couple that lives for and with one another. The thought of that terrifies me because of the grounds on which Chris and I divorced. I needed space, to be selfish and live just for me and so we split up. Within a month I was planning ANOTHER forever without any regard for taking time for myself. Granted, the time I’ve had since he and I split has TECHNICALLY been time for me, since Muffin’s been away in Iraq all this time and in nine months we’ve spent a measly two weeks together, but still… it’s daunting and makes me feel a tiny bit queasy.

But really, I need to STOP worrying about the relationship and just embrace what I’ve got going on right now, friends, music, cakes, wool and tattoos. I need to just live for the moment right now and stop worrying and letting things eat me alive. I’m not sleeping, barely eating and only just slightly awake most days. 

sigh... i guess i should get some more packing done. i've barely done any and i've got the lounge, dining room, kitchen and bedroom to finish... i may die. if not, i'll see you at Pow's in a couple of days. 

All I ever really cared about was Tuesday…

Every Monday I get excited…  my mind starts whirring around all the possible items that I will get to list and explain my love for for the week… I LOVE doing my lists, they are one of my favourite parts of the week… I was desperately sad to have not been able to do a list for the last two weeks, not only because of my inappropriate love affair with all things list-related, but also because there was SO much hearting going on… I honestly don’t think there’s ever been a period of time that I have hearted SO much… my book has had SO many pages filled out over the last week and I can promise you that this list, it will be quite possibly the longest and most fabulous list to date. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry and you’ll TOTALLY be jealous of my hair (even I’M jealous of it and it’s my own bloody hair!)
So without any further ado, the list!

 Muffin… bound to be the first thing on the list, really… he’s now officially existed in real life with me and gone and pretty much every single moment of it was absolute bliss… I attempted to envelope myself entirely in the fact that I had him here with me…. I still found myself in shock sometimes, like it hadn’t completely sunk in. I’d look at him and think, ‘holy CRAP, this boy is actually here with me!’ it was all very surreal but amazingly perfect… I love every single tiny thing about him. his hair, his eyeballs, his nose, his clothes, the way he smells (personal favourite thing about him), the relative smallness of his ears compared to mine (23mm smaller, actually), his tattoos, his feets, his hands, his neck, his bear arms, his piercings, his voice, the way he talks, his taste in things, his sense of humour… I literally I could go on for forever… I love him so much. I know I sound like a stupidly gushy girl right now, but I am so happy and I don’t give a crap. I could exist every single moment snuggled up to this boy and never regret a single thing I might miss in the meantime. He is perfect in every single way possible… I never actually knew it was possible to find someone who is everything you ever could dream of asking for and then some, but here I am with this boy in my life who has superseded any and all hopes, dreams and desires by leaps and bounds… he’s incredible and still baffles me.  

Watching my two favourite boys bond… I love that I have been given the rare chance to watch the two most important boys in my life bond… Pow, the boy I spend more time with than anyone EVER was playing gigs the last two Saturdays which we attended… the first was in Nottingham, we arrived and after the sound check I perched on a booth with Amy (hang on, I’ll get to her later!) whilst Muffin and Pow went through the gazillion photos Muffin had on his camera from his trip so far… I just sat with a stupidly happy grin on my face from that moment on as I watched them share little laughs and chats… it was outrageously special to witness… to see Pow, this boy who has been a solid rock and listened to me piss and moan for the last five years meet and play nice with Muffin, the boy who stole my heart ten years ago… it’s magical. I was so terrified that they might not get on and I would have to have that “dan, I really don’t think you should be moving away with him” chat with Pow. To know now that I won’t have to have that chat… it’s a relief. I told Muffin up front that if Pow didn’t approve then I would seriously reconsider moving back stateside… that I wanted his blessing before I committed myself to anything. After the last gig, this last Saturday we three were riding a coach back from London. Muffin was sleeping (precious bear!) and Pow and I talked… I asked him what he thought of Muffin and he said that he absolutely adored him and that he rarely bonds with someone so quickly… since then Pow’s been speaking his praises, my favourite being at din dins Sunday night when Pow offered a little toast (with his cup of tea) saying that he felt it was an honour to meet Muffin and that he was going to take care of me until we were together again. Pow loves my boyfriend and I love that fact… I love that I can speak to Pow about Muffin and he’ll validate my love for him by talking about how amazing he is… this, knowing that my two boys bonded, this makes my little heart much more relaxed.
Sex… for the longest time I have been living on my own little planet with regard to sex… my relationship with the estranged left a lot to be desired. It got to the point where I HATED getting into bed with him because I knew he’d harass me and I knew I’d have to offer him another lie about why I didn’t want it THAT time. If I’m being honest, I’ve never really been THAT bothered about sex anyways… I’ve had three partners in my life and in between two of them, there was a three-year gap with little or no upset on my behalf. I spend a great deal of time wondering what is wrong with me when I read all those women’s magazines or watching those female empowerment films and see the highly-sexed women who have no less than three sex toys and two partners a week… I always wondered why I never had that huge, deep-seated burning in my little loins for a little rumpy-pumpy. It wasn’t until about two months after I started speaking to Muffin again that it seemed a switch was flicked. Up until his arrival all I could think about was how amazingly brilliant it was going to be…. Now that his visit has come and gone, I have officially lost another six lbs which I can only attribute to the fact that I can’t get enough of bed-themed funtime with him. It was all so new and exciting and he makes me feel incredible and so, so comfortable. I feel a little like I’ve just woken up and am experiencing all this stuff for the first time in nine years… I’m no Carrie from Sex in the City, but I am well on my way to being…. Oh I don’t know, some girl who likes a good rogering on a very regular basis.  
Pow… there are few people in the world that I adore more than him… we’ve both been extremely busy the last couple of weeks so we’ve not spent a GREAT deal of time together, but we’ve still been in contact and it’s been nice… when the three of us went out for the meal together it was just nice to have eye contact with Pow… to gauge how he’s feeling and to talk to him… my favourite thing about him is, when he and I are hanging out, he watches me. I don’t know if he thinks I don’t notice, but he does it all the time… when we’re at his watching films, at dinner, just talking, at a gig… he can occasionally be found just watching me and it makes me feel so comfortable. So when we were out at dinner the other night he watched me for ages and it… sigh, there’s no words to explain how it makes me feel. He’s just such a special boy and I have no idea what I’d do if he wasn’t in my life.
Painting Tipp-Ex on my nails
Mousakka
Aubergines
Carla Bruni
Pecans
Trying out a new recipe
My polka-dot dress
Collaborating on projects with Pow
Big lips
The fact that my boss sent me an email that said, ‘FANTASTICO!’ on it
Pressing warm photocopies to my face 
Morningtime phonecalls from Janeyface… these are my favourite because most mornings, whilst I am on my way into workies I will get a text from the janey that simply says, ‘call you?’ to which I ALWAYS reply in the positive. She rings and I walk down the street in a gleeful haze of laughter and knowing that she is one of my best friends in the entire world. I love the looks I get as I shriek and double over in fits of laughter in the middle of the pavement at half seven in the morning… I love the fact that we do this mostly every morning.
The fact that Robert Z’Dar added me on facebook
Board games
Anticipation
My Zen garden
The pig face
When Chevy’s happy
The torsos in my lounge
Big windows
Snap Dragons
Poppies
Bachelors Buttons
Excellent moustaches
Cherry Carmex
Otto who works in the canteen at workies
How excited everyone got for Muffin’s arrival
The first Muffin/danie photo
Listening to The Muffin breathe as he sleeps
My pink hair
Chicken Tikka Kebabs
Stephanie Smith
Dave Culleton
Just lying around and watching a film with The Muffin
Being warm… not hot, warm
‘Caribbean Queen’ by Billy Ocean
The very first glance I got of The Muffin
Learning how to be close to someone again
Learning about someone’s daily foibles
How big the holes in my ears are now (28mm and counting)
Muffin Kisses
Kissing Muffin’s left shoulder
Hugging Muffin
‘The Hangover’
London trip with The Muffin... and all the loose cannon photos that were taken (please see below)

My hair
The Museum of Natural History
Ringing the bell on the bus
The dogtags The Muffin had made for me
My Vans
The smell of Muffin kisses
The fact that Kate named a calf on Rich’s farm ‘Manface’ 
Amy Blackwell… no word of a lie, this girl is just magical… she is the first of ALL of Pow’s girlfriends that I have ever been allowed to meet and she is wonderful. She was out two Saturdays ago when Muffin and I attended the HJG gig and her and I bonded like woah. I’m not sure why we bonded so much on Saturday in a place FULL of people as opposed to in Ali’s house on a relaxing night in (our last and first meeting) but I enjoyed myself nonetheless… her and I sat in a huddled corner and stared at our perspective boys, turning to one another regularly to squinch up our faces and express how much we love them without the need to shout. We drank and chatted and generally had a wonderful time. She loves him so much and that’s what he needs most…. He needs someone that’s going to love him despite his little freak-outs and just hold on to him tight. I reckon she’ll do him a world of good and I am pleased I’ve finally been allowed to meet one of the girlfriends. I love Amy and I cannae wait for our next bonding session which will be taking place Friday. Yay!
Hot Japanese Girl
Pound Coins
‘I Love You Phillip Morris’
Waking up to Muffin’s face 
The BFF super-date that is in the pipeline… I am SUPER pumped for this… as I’ve mentioned before, I will be getting my scalp tattooed… I will be doing this soon and janey will be coming up to visit so’s she can hold my tiny hand and cheer me on. Not only that, but now, Pow will be prancing to mine the night before so’s the three of us can have a super bff partytime. I LOVE the thought of having a fabulous night in with my two favourites… I honestly can’t wait! SQUEE!
Really cold cans of cola
Muffin’s new tattoos
Making fun of The Muffin’s estranged partner… who is completely insane and a total biotch. I HATE her name, her face and everything to do with her… I mock her mercilessly…. It pleases me.
Popping my wrists
Being certain of things 

Jaacqy
Goncalves
Potterton
Writing on my hands
Mathlock Bath
Stretching my ears
Foggy days
Muffin texts
When bits of my tattoos peak out of the sleeves of my shirts/jackets
Mini Rolls
PaperMate Liquid Expresso pens
How completely insane some people can be… a prime example of this being the fact that an old friend (who is consequently NOT an old friend anymore… just a person I have fond memories of and who seems to hate my stinking guts and creep back into my life in an explosive way periodically to try to hurt me in as many ways as possible) seems to have been posting status updates on Facebook recently complaining that it was HER idea for me to get the ducks tattooed on my scalp… this is funny for three reasons… 1. I have not spoken to this particular individual for nearly nineteen months and when we WERE talking I had absolutely NO inclination to get my scalp tattooed at all, whatsoever (we DID, however discuss HER getting the ducks tattooed on her fat arm once, for about forty seconds). 2. It was Pow and Lee Lee who suggested it to me about five weeks ago, in my house, in my bedroom. 3. It WASN’T her idea. I mean really, who in god’s name actually feels it’s appropriate to publicly complain about someone so ridiculously stupid? She needs to get a life.  

MC Lars… Oh. My. God. When Muffin said that he wanted to go to some gig in Birmingham I was reluctant and a little moody about it… I don’t really go to gigs anymore and when I do, they are small, VERY local gigs that don’t cost more than a fiver to get into… I don’t go to gigs that cost more than ten pounds JUST go get in and cost a further twelve pounds to travel to the locale and a FURTHER thirty-five pounds for a hotel room since it is too far away to get home on time. because all these factors were in place for this gig I was a little moody about having to go but I went because I wanted my big bear to be happy and LOVED the idea of a romp in a hotel room with him. we arrived in Birmingham and got a taxi to the hotel… we mocked it’s tiny size and pov interior before prancing into central Birmingham for some shopping and din dins. After stuffing our bellies with pizza and our minds with serious future talks we hopped into a cab to the O2 Arena where Muffin lost it and got super excited. We arrived JUST in time to see MC Lars, who muffin had been singing the praises of for the last two days. We pushed our way up as near to the front as possible and they began… the INSTANT I saw him I fell in love (or was that lust?) and the moment the first words came out of his mouth I knew I had to marry him. he’s hysterical and has a stage presence that makes me swoon. When they finished performing Muffin found him in the crowd and said hi. We chatted with him for a little while about Muffin being in the ARMY and my living in England after moving from the US. After about six minutes he had to go but said we had to go to the after party and told us where we needed to go. After the gig we pranced to a local pub and waited with pints… we kissed and snuggled and made fun of one another until the arrival of Lars. He saw us and immediately waved and came over… he sat with us and we proceeded to monopolize all his attention for the rest of the night. he got us pints, shots and talked with us until the wee hours in the morning when the band was being herded into a taxi to the hotel… I can officially say now that I am in love with MC Lars and you should listen to him and hang out with him after a gig,… he’s a fabulous boy! 
Our night at the Paragon Hotel... quite possibly the most shite hotel in the world but magical nonetheless!
Dane's signature

 My newest tattoo... yes, it's a vagina and yes, it is permanent! 
Feeling like people love me
The fact that Stephanie rang me to see how i was yesterday
Blowing my nose
When Chris isn't satan when we talk
Dane's dad
Bananas
Planning projects
How easy it is to talk to Dane
having the ducks together for the first time ever... a tattoo dane and i always said we would both get... something i designed when i was fifteen just before i started dating Muffin... he got his ages ago and i got mine about three years ago... they are now bff!

the following photos... 

 

 

here comes your tuesday...

Missed a week again, hey? I DO apologize. I have just been full of busy and win. There is just so much occurring in my beautiful little life at the moment that I can barely stand. This list promises to be an excellent one… excellent and meaningful, perhaps?

 ·       Janeyface… since my last list I have had a fabulous weekend of glee starring myself and janey. It was a beautiful weekend that saw us perform our usual opening scene of getting drunk immediately and watching youtube then we had tattootime, a meal out, some drinkies then MORE tattootime. I find it so wonderful that I have someone like janey in my life… someone I can be completely myself with. We talked about it in our drunken state (in between conversations about the tattoos we want to get on our scalps and how much we HATE carribean drinks), about how happy we are to have met one another. I tend to be the one to prompt this conversation lately, purely because I am reflecting a great deal on how amazingly wonderful my life is and I know that it is only this amazing because of the beautiful creatures in my life. Janey is a big one… someone who I can honestly be completely myself around. There is nothing I have to hide or dull down when I am with her, I can just be 100% myself and I love that about her. Her and I always have so much fun together and have all the best conversations. I simply adore every single little thing about her. She is so smart and funny and stunningly beautiful… roll on Friday for another drinking session and the pursuit of my soul mate!

·       Mini rolls

 ·       Pow Pow… again… I think it is safe to say that mostly every single list from now on will feature this boy. He’s just made of actual magic. Over the last several weeks we have become incredibly close… we talk most days and when we don’t talk, we text… he’s just… sigh, he’s like the amazingly beautiful brother that I never had. We are just constantly on the same wavelength and I love that about us… I love that he contacts me when he’s down or needs someone to talk to. I love that he cooked dinner for me last night (a night understandably dubbed our ‘MEAT date’ due to the large proportions of MEAT that we consumed. For dinner we had sausages and mash with a side of MEAT. Post-dinner we proceeded to consume large quantities of ice cream, crisps, chocolate, biscuits, gummy sweets and cola… It was glorious)… I love that he and I are working so closely on Johnny. I love that he wants me to meet his girlfriend. I love that he trusts me. I love that when he hugs me and looks at me I can tell that he loves me just as much as I do him. He’s just the most special person ever and I have absolutely no idea where I would be without him. He inspires so many things in me and makes me feel so brilliant… he’s just what I need most days. He grounds me and makes me feel okay when I could very easily be flying off the handles. I only hope that I do the same for him.

·       Telling people how proud I am of them and how much I love them… I am on a mission at the moment to make sure that people know how much they mean to me… I want everyone to know that and how proud I am of them. It is such a simple gesture that makes people feel so good. Try it sometime; it makes you feel good because you can make someone else feel good.

·       Valentine’s Day 2010… oh yes, this V-Day was made entirely of win. The celebrations started on the 8^th when I asked the muffin to be my valentine. He obliged and I started planning… I wrote up a list of policies and procedures to be adhered to as per his request and then went on a mission to find as many sweet, cute things to do as possible. The clock ticked over to me beginning an email to the muffin, the first of a specified minimum of four that were to be sent. My typing was interrupted by a series of texts from powface and then a phone call. He and I chatted for a while and planned our next date and then we said goodnight and I resumed typing an opus to the love of my life. I typed, attached a lovely photo and then fell into bed for a restful night of slumber. I woke several hours later to two emails in my inbox and a series of fabulous posts on my facebook (this is particularly delightful for me due to the fact that, as he is in the middle of as separation as well, he is attempting to be as discreet as possible about our ‘relationship,’ so it is fairly SQUEE-worthy that he occasionally posts things onto my page that are of a romantic nature). At half eleven I had a knock on the door which ended up being a fabulous gentleman delivering a bunch of roses and lilies with a card addressed to ‘Dr. Butcher. I pranced up to my room with the flowers to find a teddy bear (who I have since named ‘moore’) and a box of chocolates inside. I immediately sent the muffin an email saying that he was the sweetest creature alive and we bantered via email for the following few hours before we had a series of phone calls featuring glee and multiple ‘I love you’s’ it was a fabulous Valentine’s Day and the first one I can remember being so lovely in a long time. Thanks muffin.

·       The fact that when I told Pow Pow I was going to be starting a street dancing class he said, ‘OMG you should TOTALLY do it! THAT’S a blog entry I’d like to read!’ who knew powface even READ my blog?!

·       Combine Harvesters

·       Jaacqy… oh what a special boy! On the five-year anniversary of my wedding last Thursday I got a call from my beautiful jaacqy asking if I wanted to go on a Disney date with him. What kind of a stupid idiot would say ‘no’ to an offer like THAT?! So post-work I made my way into town and meet him outside of Lush and we decided to retire to the pub for a quick pint before the cinema. We sat and drank our elderflower wonderful and mused about the glee surrounding the muffin’s arrival and Johnny and everything. It was so nice just to catch up with him and to be able to look at his little face and remember why I love him so much. After our pints we strolled to the cinema and watched a film that made me laugh, cry, squee and delight in the wonderful that is Disney again. I LOVE their return to 2-d cartoons and I ADORE that this was the film that had the first black princess. It was a magical film and I am so pleased jaacqy was the prince that I went to see it with. After the film he walked me to my taxi and we dubbed February 11^th OUR anniversary now. We took a photo to commemorate it and went our separate ways. I love jaacqy so much and I hate that I don’t get to see him as often as I would like. He is such a glittery, beautiful creature.

·       FINALLY seeing Dean in his little Johnny costume

·       The way Lee Lee’s letters smell… there is little I love more than to receive a letter in the post with that ever-so familiar penmanship on the envelope… I know IMMEDIATELY to smell it and cuddle it close. The magical combination of Lush and fags, one of my favourite smells at the moment, makes me a happy little lady. 

 ·       My snowflakes… oh my actual GOD I love my snowflakes. Despite the massive amounts of pain involved in getting them, they were totally worth it because I now have fabulous memories etched into my skin in the shape of Pow Pow, Johnny and Lee Lee.

·       The new Henry Rollins books… both of which I received from the muffin in his latest parcel. The first one, A Preferred Blur, is amazing because it is filled with his journals from 2006/07 when he was going through a very severe depressive state. It is interesting to read someone else’s journals from their own personal journeys through the landscapes I myself have become so familiar with over the last several years. It’s particularly special because Henry is someone who has really altered my life a great deal. At fifteen, when I got my hands on my first book by him (The Portable Henry Rollins), my life changed. It was at that age that I started writing with the intensity and emotion that I do now. It was his words that guided me down a path of self-exploration and reflection. He is an incredibly inspiring man and I love that he has allowed myself and so many other people into his personal life the way that he has.

·       The fact that, last night, when I mentioned to Pow Pow that I wanted to give him a book that changed my life he KNEW that it was Henry Rollins without a moment’s hesitation… that is something I didn’t even know I had told him and he knew. It proves that he actually DOES listen sometimes. <3

·       Stacey… my new housemate. Every single day she delights me with a new way of making me laugh. At first I was hesitant… you don’t live with someone for near-on six years and then find it easy to make a quick and smooth transition into a new lifestyle with a new person… it took me time. I was worried at first that our age difference would cause a ruckus in the household but over the last three weeks she has really grown on me. She deals with all my ridiculous hobbies and foibles in stride, attempts to get me to do new things (ie. Street dancing classes) and is just generally a fabulous little ball of wonderful energy. Her greatest and funniest comment to date came two nights ago when she beckoned me to see if was interested in having some curry that she planned to cook last night. I responded with a negative, reminding her I would be having MEAT with Pow Pow instead. She responded with shock and asked if Pow Pow ACTUALLY cooked, to which I replied that I was not sure, but if I was dead the next day, she would know why and perhaps I should write out a will… in response to this she said, and I quote, ‘oh yes! You should do that! Write another list! Things to avenge in your name in the event of your untimely death!’ and you can bet your sweet buns I DID write a list and post it on the wall in the dining room before i left for workies yesterday. She sent me a delighted text later on in the afternoon lol’ing about it. I reckon her and I will be just fine.

·       Photos that capture shadows well

·       My ability to touch-type

·       The way a dog holds it’s paw when it’s hurt

·       When the wind sometimes ‘pushes’ me along whilst I’m walking

·       Having tattoos in new places… I love it when I can look someplace that used to be bare and see something new there… obviously, when I very first got the massive one on my arm done the excitement was there constantly. Nearly two years on, the novelty of it has worn off (whilst I still DO have little fits of excitement from time to time when I see it, they are fewer and further between)… now though! My thighs are the owners of new ink babies and every time I prance in front of the mirror I fall in love with them!

·       The way Germans say ‘worried’

·       The ‘pump it up’ situation with janey… honestly, the worst thing I have ever, EVER consumed in my life. Janey and I fell in love with the bottles and their illicit photographs on the front the instant we saw them at that tiny carribean shop that Saturday in hackney… fell in love and were entranced by what exactly could live inside of them. As promised, janey arrived in derby with two bottles of beverage, Bedroom Bully (non-alcoholic, depicting a VERY sassy female in what appears to be bondage gear on the front) and Pump it Up (5% alcoholic with ingredients such as raw moon bush, strong back, giant wisp, poor-man-friend, blood wisp, bryal wisp, nerve wisp and tuna (yes, tuna) and depicting an inter-racial couple very near to intercourse on the front). After drinking a suitable amount of cider we decided to embark on the beverages of glory. We began with the Bedroom Bully, which was just like a stale ginger beer. I hate ginger, so I scowled a lot. Once all the Bedroom Bully had been consumed we moved on to the Pump it Up which promptly ruined our lives. The smell alone was something to behold. It smelled exactly like vinegar mixed with formaldehyde. I was forced to take the first sip and, for the first time in my life, actually heaved from the taste of something. It was actually the worst thing I have ever tasted in my life, ever. So now, I have a bottle of Pump it Up sat on my shelf with a mere four sips taken out of it… I presume it will live there now until the end of time.

·       Prairie dogs

·       Writing on napkins and Kleenex

·       Date-stamping things

·       Stacey’s list

·       Honesty

·       Steam rollers

·       Really beautiful half-cast boys

·       Fancy fingernails

·       Michael McIntyre

·       Cat noses

·       The fiery furnaces

·       Finishing a bear

·       Being back at workies

·       Ben and jerry’s half-baked ice cream

·       Pow’s face when he is doing something involving Johnny

·       Having my two best friends in one place at one time… Saturday before last played host to the fact that I would have BOTH of my best friends in one place at one time… I felt the time had come for Pow and janey to meet one another properly, so I orchestrated a fabulous meal out at a chinese buffet. I can’t honestly explain how wonderful it was to have them both together at once. Like, I love them both individually, but to actually share a space with my two favourite people in the world at one time, it’s mind-blowing. They got on like a house on fire and I am pleased. The world has been set straight now.

·       SEVENTEEN days!

·       Phone calls from Stephanie

·       Stalking Stephanie on her webcam

·       Holding newborn babies

·       Chris Tree... what a wonderful boy! I've always been fascinated by Tree... he's a quirky, fun, fooking HYSTERICAL boy that I met ages ago who seems to be friends with all of my friends. We like to banter in foul ways at one another and go out for lunch dates in city centre to watch the starlings. He and I participated in one of these dates last weekend and it was wonderful. We ate, had a cup of cocoa and took photos... it was thrilling and I hope we do it more before i depart!