Thursday, 10 June 2010

Learned Helplessness…

I HATE the sun...
I hate June for being so hot then cold...
And I hate this year for going by so quickly.

In seventy-seven days, I’m leaving…  I’ll be packing up the last bits and pieces in my temporary home…  placing little things around Pow’s house for him to find eventually… things to help him remember that I love him and am thinking of him, almost as if I’ve not gone.

In seventy-seven days I will be a weepy mess… it hit me REALLY hard, like a ton of emotional bricks, last Monday afternoon. I was in Pow’s kitchen opening the rather difficult packaging around some Sainsbury’s Garlic Chicken Kievs and Pow was stood to the right of me.  He was happily packing things away into his fridge from our expedition to the shop for MEGAsnacktime treats. We were still covered in the filth, mildew and spider’s webs from our date in the Hippodrome and preparing ourselves for an afternoon/evening in with the telly, lots of garlic-based foods and each other. I was still contemplating the fact that my life is actually made of magic when Pow turned to me and said, “It just doesn’t seem real…”

I looked down at the Kievs and then over to him, puzzled, wondering what it was about these particular breaded-chicken products that didn’t seem real and asked for further explanation.

He went on to explain to me that the “it” he was referring to was the fact that I’m leaving… 

I’m leaving… 

No matter how many times I say it, the words still don’t seem real to me. in eleven weeks I won’t be doing my food-shopping anyplace I am familiar with, I won’t be eating anything I am used to and I won’t have any of the creatures I have grown so familiar with as my constant companions within walking-distance. The thought of it actually causes me physical pain. The thought of having to be so far away from people like Pow, Janey, Nick, Tree and Meek. The thought makes my stomach immediately curdle like last month’s full-fat, blue-capped milk. I’ve never been so terrified of anything in my life.

The terror of late comes not just from the fact that I will be leaving all my favourites for thirteen months, but also from other things… 

The first thing is that every single day I hear a new variation of why other people are finding my leaving hard. Every day my ears play host to words like, “I can’t believe you’re gonna be gone,” “I am going to miss you,” “it’s not gonna be the same without you,” and “I’m just pretending it’s not actually happening.” That last one killed me the most. The last one was said to me whilst on the phone to Jaacqy. It was said after I performed my regular rendition of, “how many days until Danie leaves now?!” he paused on the phone line and said that sentence that made my heart die a little bit.

Whilst it is nice to have people tell me how much they love me and will miss me, it just makes my heart ache more to know that I will be so far away from these people I’ve spent the last six years bonding with.  These people that have helped me in more ways than they will ever be able to comprehend. These people that actually care that I am leaving… something I didn’t realize before, that anyone barring Pow would care I was leaving.

The second thing is that Muffin and I have been weird the last two or three weeks… it may not be so much that WE have been weird, but more that I have been weird and I am projecting, but it most certainly feels like we are both in a weird place. 

I HATE it when one of us has a series of busy days, because typically the other one of us has the tendency to get quite clingy and needy and I can’t deal with that. I love when we talk and I love the fact that he and I are pretty much constantly on the same wavelength… what I DON’T love is the fact that he is most likely going to read this and freak out and think immediately that I hate him and don’t want to move to america. I so do, but whilst all of my time here is winding down and his time in Iraq is winding down we are talking less and less and it is hurting more and more. I feel disconnected, lonely and tired. He rarely ever emails me anymore and when I talk to him it is rare for me to feel anything but annoyance for the fact that I KNOW the conversation typically won’t last more than twenty minutes… that annoyance gets projected as venom onto him and makes our time spent talking mechanical, abrupt and difficult. I hate it. I just wish that he would email me more or anything, but… meh. I guess I am just incredibly worried that I will arrive in america and all the things I had been hoping for will have completely dissipated due to the lack of contact and we will have nothing left but a bit of sexual frustration which has to halt eventually like most things. I worry that I will arrive and all of these eggs that I have put in my basket will just get tossed around and broken and then what will I be left with? Nothing. I’ll be back where I started…

Oh who knows, this is most likely just a little blip in the radar. I’m tired, exhausted from my weekends and generally daunted by the upcoming weeks (the fact that I don’t have a free weekend for the next seven weeks) and just want to take a hot bath and not have to bloody worry about anything. The only time I don’t HAVE to worry about anything at the moment is when I am with Pow…

It seems that as of late, when Pow and I spend time together we are spending the bulk of the time making sure we don’t lose out on any precious time we have together. When we are together now we talk a lot more, hug longer and are generally closer. Every single little nugget of time we have together is super-important and it seems like he’s FINALLY realized that and is embracing it.

It’s now two days until I move in and we are both SUPERexcited about it. I can’t wait to have constant time with him… time to make videos, talk, create, watch films and generally just get a megadose of Pow.

Lately our dates have featured a lot of talking… a lot of processing certain thoughts and emotions. One wouldn’t typically think that going to Pow would offer more than a little light comic relief, but I trust him… I trust every little opinion he has to offer and I appreciate everything he has to say. It’s all been particularly helpful as I’ve needed to talk a lot lately because I’m beginning to experience these stupid, tiny, pangs of doubt, which is distressing me…

danie NEVER doubts her decisions. danie MAKES decisions and goes with them at full speed with no question or serious thought behind them...

i do this because i am a firm believer that the first, pulling gut-reaction that one feels is more often than not the most real and right-for-you thing to go with when making a decision...

"hey, what do you want to drink?" DR PEPPER!
"yo, what's your favourite band?" MAGNETIC FIELDS!
"dude, what's your favourite film?" RAINMAN!
"are you going to be happy with dane forever?" ... uhhhh... mmmmmostly? Yes, i THINK so.

Yes, THAT'S where my head's at at the moment...

this isn't to say that i don't want to go to america and give it a go still... this isn't meant to be taken to say that i am staying in england and never talking to dane again... this should be taken for the fact that i am finally, for once in my life REALLY thinking about what i am doing (wait, does this mean I am ACTUALLY a human, capable of rational thought processes?! WHAAAAAAAAT?!)

The fuse on this doubt-bomb was lit by my ever-fabulous ex-husband three weeks ago. He and i were having a chat online when we had the following conversation:

ME:  how do you feel about the whole thing, Chris?
ME: what's going on in your old head?
EX: what whole thing?
ME: well
ME: all of it
ME: dane
ME: me
ME: you
ME: america
ME: divorce

EX: ok. The divorce? We both needed some space to gain perspective and change the things in our lives we were possibly blaming on each other. I don't think that it would have ever been 'seperate beds' space. That wasn't enough. But I've chilled the fuck out alot about lots of things and I feel like a better person now. I miss you terribly and I still know I meant everything I said but I've had to travel the path I have
EX: so its blah. Live and learn I guess. Time heals and all that jazz.
EX: About Dane? I don't really know. It isn't my place to judge. I feel like he has had a chaotic past and that might have an effect on his future. The whole moving/wedding/kids thing this soon after a LDR and stuff just seems insane to me based on how I feel
EX: but then it isn't me or my place and again, you've got a path to travel for better or worse. He makes you happy and thats good

ME: sure
ME: i know what you mean

ME: but i guess i feel i've come out of it shining a lot more
ME: and with a much more positive outlook

EX: shining and positive seems a bit patronising
ME: sorry
EX: it might seem that way to you
EX: but like I said, the way I feel about what you've come out and are doing isn't really my place
EX: but it seems totally crazy to me

ME: yeah
EX: I'm not in the position to say I've found myself or to take any 'forever' steps right now

now, this was most likely just me reading FAR too much into what he said, but, after being his wife for five years, i am fairly good at reading in-between the lines.... not only that, but he trained me very well in the art of over-thinking, which I’ve done in abundance since that conversation.

I’ve been wondering whether Muffin and I ARE moving too quickly.... (GUT REACTION: NO! is ten years too quick?!) the next day I mused over this with Muffin and Pow... we discussed the general outline of the conversation in different ways and they made things slightly more clear in my head... since then I’ve not been musing so much about whether we’re moving too fast, but more about the fact that I will now be living with someone again… I will now have to learn about how to mesh with someone in close-quarters. I will be in a relationship again…

Chris and I split up because I was too selfish and I couldn’t handle being in a relationship anymore…  I was mid-photocopy today, pressing a handful of warm sheets of paper to my face when it dawned on me that I will actually, actively be someone’s girlfriend again. We will be dating and sharing bills and generally be a couple that lives for and with one another. The thought of that terrifies me because of the grounds on which Chris and I divorced. I needed space, to be selfish and live just for me and so we split up. Within a month I was planning ANOTHER forever without any regard for taking time for myself. Granted, the time I’ve had since he and I split has TECHNICALLY been time for me, since Muffin’s been away in Iraq all this time and in nine months we’ve spent a measly two weeks together, but still… it’s daunting and makes me feel a tiny bit queasy.

But really, I need to STOP worrying about the relationship and just embrace what I’ve got going on right now, friends, music, cakes, wool and tattoos. I need to just live for the moment right now and stop worrying and letting things eat me alive. I’m not sleeping, barely eating and only just slightly awake most days. 

sigh... i guess i should get some more packing done. i've barely done any and i've got the lounge, dining room, kitchen and bedroom to finish... i may die. if not, i'll see you at Pow's in a couple of days. 


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