I’m tired despite a fairly excellent sleep, I have a headache despite the existence of paracetamol in my system and I’m cold despite the incredibly beautiful weather we have been gifted today.
My life is anything but unpleasant. I am aware that I have been blessed with a life that most people would die for. I am spoiled rotten, quite gifted when it comes to baking and arts and crafts and I seem to have good luck smile upon me on a daily basis… I don’t mean to complain, but it just feels like, despite all the magnificent things that my life is made of, I just really, really can’t seem to pull myself out of this stupid slump I am in.
Like, I’m pretty certain I know WHY I’m in this slump… the combination of moving house, moving continents, gaining citizenship and everything that has to do with all of these things, they’ve taken their toll on me… they’ve left me feeling quite tired and I’ve not taken the time to have a nap in amongst all of this. I’ve just been running and running and running and not stopping to smell all the flowers (metaphorical relaxing days for myself) and taking for granted the wonderful helpers on the side of the road who’ve been offering me cool bottles of water (metaphorical respite and rejuvenation). I have just been bulling along through my days with my own stupid agenda and now, as of like, last night, I just feel like it’s genuinely taking its toll on me. I feel like I am destroying all the special, beautiful little things in my life.
Yesterday, despite having had an amazing weekend, I felt raw, arsey and bored. I started the day deciding I was going to only exist for me and laid in bed with a cup of tea and re-reading haunted by Palahniuk. I laid there for two hours and whilst I don’t typically enjoy activities such as this, I really, really loved it (as you will read further on down).
After an hour or two I got on with cooking a meal for Pow and me, working on my newest project and watching films. I spoke to Muffin in the morning and it was alright… as I said above, I felt bored. After our chat I meandered into the lounge and threw myself on the sofa and said I felt strange. Pow asked me what I felt strange about and I went on to explain how I have developed a feeling of complacency…
several weeks back Muffin had told me that he was busy and that he didn’t have the time to contact me as much as I wanted and that he worried if we had to go a day without talking I would fall to pieces. Well, ever the spiteful little lady, I spent the following two days not talking to him, purely to show him that I was able to do it. since then I’ve severely cut down my talk-time with him which has, in turn, left him emailing me less and… well… let’s just say we only really talk during the brief calls he makes to my mobile, which SHOULD be good enough, but when he spent the first two or three months grooming me with between three and six LONG and incredibly emotional, lovely emails a day and photos and videos and OMG…
I’ve been left feeling a little like a deflated balloon. I’d gotten so used to having him there, always sending me emails and taking photos and things…
Now, I just feel complacent. I feel like I’ve backed off SO MUCH that we’ve created a distance that makes me feel really ugly inside. I don’t feel as excited as I used to when I see him come online…. I still DO get excited, but nothing like I used to. People at work have started to notice that I don’t talk about him as much and I guess I just generally have this fear that when I get to america it’s either going to be incredibly good or really, REALLY bad.
I hate the distance and it’s making me tired. I had forgotten how much it hurts to have to be so far away from someone you have such a burning for. I can’t remember what emotions I felt before I moved to England… what worries I had…
I can’t remember if I was terrified that I would show up and it wouldn’t be good. I can’t remember if I feared that he wouldn’t love me anymore when he had to live with me for good (which, to be fair, DID happen, so really, if I DID fear that, then it wasn’t completely unfounded). I perhaps should go back to old blogs and see what went through my head then and how I coped with it at that time…
Is it normal for me to be so scared? Does it make me look like an idiot when I say that I worry that we won’t work out despite the fact that we have invested so much time, energy and money into this? Am I a bad person because I am making sure I book my ticket’s return primarily to save me money, but also with the knowledge that if things don’t work out, I will have a backup plan?
God, I am so terrified. I will be buying my ticket in four days and I am scared. I have never been more scared of anything in my life. I KNOW that when I book my ticket on Friday morning, that’s gonna be it… I WILL be leaving and I can’t turn back. Once I have clicked on that button I can say goodbye to that £600 and keep my fingers crossed for the proceeding 62 days… crossed in hopes that Muffin and I work out and I won’t have wasted all that money on a pipe dream.
I am aware that I am most likely in a tizzy at the moment because I am scared. I realize that perhaps my mind is creating this fabulous series of doubts in an effort to stop it from having to process all the scary stuff, I AM going to persevere… I AM going to go to america and I AM going to give this time with Muffin a proper go. I know I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t.
Urgh, let’s not focus on this junk… just, that’s where my head is. Scattered.
Now, on to better things! Things I heart!
Janeyvisit… I decided on an impromptu visit to see my janeyface for this weekend. This occurred to me when I realized that I only have NINE WEEKENDS left in the country and seven of those weekends are already full. I booked the other two weekends in to travel down to London to see janeyface, which means I will only be seeing her four more times before I leave (oh dear, just typing that out then, it took me a little short and I got a bit misty, sorry). I will be travelling down early Friday afternoon for a weekend of drinking, clubbing, tattooing, meeting her parents, and eating more sushi and buns than I ever knew possible. I have been craving sushi like nobody’s business and there’s nobody I love picking-out and eating sushi with more than my janeyface. I can’t actually believe that this is going to be it. this will be the first of only four visits with her before I leave. I can’t believe it. I want to arrive and make sure that I spend as much time memorizing as many of the moments we have together as possible. I love her so much and to think that I won’t have her on the same land-mass as me for thirteen months breaks my freaking heart. She’s such an amazing person. I love her and her beautiful face so much. I’ve no idea where I would be in England without her… obviously in derby, but like, where would I be mentally. She has brought me out of myself in a way nobody else could have. I have more fun with her than I do with most people. She’s an amazingly beautiful and fun person who I can’t help but smile when I think about.
Lying in bed reading… I’ve never been one to do this. I’ve always found myself far too caught up in just GOING in my life to stop and just enjoy a couple of hours in bed with a book and a cup of tea. I took this opportunity Sunday and relished every single second. I laid on my bed and listened to the hum and vibration of the songs Pow was mixing whilst I let the words from the book crawl into my brainspace and create images and memories for the characters being described in the book. I laid there, under my new duvet and fell in love with my space, my book, my hangover and my afternoon. It was a special series of moments that I took purely for me and my mind and body thanked me for it.
Artificial apple flavouring… particularly sour apple… NOM!
Nick Parker… again. Such an outstandingly beautiful man… he’s helped me in so many ways, ways he most likely doesn’t even know.the bursts of love i have for him at the moment came in the shape of friday and saturday night. friday night i entered the pub and got myself a drink and he and i sat in the corner heckling the football in between bursts of me attempting to shriek in support of the English team. we talked about the pub and the game and then we talked about me leaving. he told me how much he is going to miss me and said that he wanted to get a tattoo for me before i leave. the next night i fell in love with him again... the moment it happened was when he was performing on stage with Amy... he was performing and wearing a blonde wig and the light made my heart hurt. made it hurt because i have no idea how i could live without the likes of him... how i am going to go a year without seeing his little face and cuddling him, i have no idea. he is such an amazingly beautiful man. so much fun and so beautiful. i am now attempting to ensure i spend as much time as i can with the people i love the biggest in the next sixty-six days... i need to make sure i have as many memories and photos as possible. i heart nick parker and have no idea what i will do without his little face for a year.
old, disused buildings
the ducks and the way the front one JUDT peeks past my hairline
having a fag in the bath
looking back on all the 'looks' i've seen Pow go through
blood orange juice
the smell of old patient records
knowing i'm better than a lot of people
m & m 's
sleeping with the window open
Energizer Lithium batteries
photodays with Pow
remembering times or days when i didn't hate my husband
my drunk tattoos... mmhmm, i'm a winner. a week or so ago i went to the official opening of my tattooist's new shop and everyone got drunk... three cans of cider in, Tara, Kevin's fiance, came to ask if i wanted a tattoo... i was drunk enough to bumble immediately upstairs and pick out the perfect colour to allow two people who've never tattoo'd before to have a go at my arm. i am now the proud owner of two new, very special tattoos, both of which has the individual who did it's name on... so yes, i now officially have two people's names on me and two tattoos i will never, ever cover up.
NOT tired days
planning my leaving party
texts from Nick Parker
my tiny pomp
when black people have the surname 'white'
when friends announce they are pregnant
finally closing the 7 palmerston street book... as depressing as it was, i can't help but feel a massive wave of relief for not having THAT responsibility anymore... it's so, so lovely to just be able to come home at the end of the day and not have to worry about having to care for a house all by myself. i am now on the home stretch back to america and i can't help but be pleased that all the bits and pieces are finally being tied up into parcels with nice little bows.
glass-collecting at Bar One
how natural it feels to live with Pow... i can't believe how easy it is to live with him. how easy and wonderful it is. we just get on so well and it's like living with the most wonderful, fun, safe person ever. i've never lived with someone that i've been so close to before and it makes me happy to come home every day to make dinner, pick out a film and lounge on the sofa, creating fabulous things together. he'a my best friend and i have no idea, after living with him, that i will be able to leave him at the airport.
integrating my things with other people's
the USA vs. UK world cup game
my stripey, long-sleeved top
when muffin is being cute
prawns and cocktail sauce
popping my joints
women with shaved heads
washing my face
really old books
the seashell animal shelf Pow and i have set up
really heavy rain
really good mugs
charity-shopping with Pow
finding letters or cards from my mum
days when Pow's stable
my dentist teeth
8 out of 10 cats
really pale girls
my gogol bordello shirt
listening to music as often as possible
posh english accents
the fact that people describe my hair as "hitler hair"
moles (the animal)
the sound of a VHS rewinding
when Pow's in a good mood
when people randomly make animal noises
having a really good surge of creativity
burlesque at Bar One
my Danni Filth tattoo
other people's handwriting