tuesdays are made...

This last week has been gloriously blissful… it seems like my life becomes more wonderful with every passing week, like I have someone out there in the cosmic unknown watching out for me and finally repaying me for all the stuff that I have done and been through in my life. 

Then I come back to earth and remember that all the magic that I have in my life has come as a result of all the hard work I have done to make that magic… it’s like I’m an actual magician… pulling one trick after another out of the bag. 

Let’s move on to the best bit, hey? I have a busy day ahead of me and really should get this show on the road…

Enjoy!

·      the following conversation… which was had between my colleague and I this morning (my colleague is a tiny, forty-something woman who always has the most sassy, wonderful things to say and has been ever-so patient with my out of control bursts of talking about the muffin, pow pow, my divorce and Johnny):

Me: OMG! TEN DAYS!!
Al: Is that ALL?! (**sarcasm**)
Me: OMGYES! I am going to be hysterical this time next week... I’m sorry in advance for how out of control I am going to be Al. 
Al: Well, I’m sorry in advance in case I hit you. 

·      the costume… which I am not at liberty to share MANY photos of, but I have (as you can see) shared one… a very tiny teaser. I am outrageously proud of this costume. I went into this particular project with no forward knowledge of how to scale up a pattern, how to cut a pattern or even where to start with putting one together, so to think that I have come so far with it today, three weeks after starting it, makes me feel incredible. The costume remains in a constant state of hung next to my bed… I stare at it as I fall asleep, I stare at it when I am on the phone to the muffin, I stare at it when I am on the phone with Pow… I stare at it constantly… I love the costume and I can’t actually believe that I have created something so stupendously perfect. I think my absolute favourite thing about it are the immense levels of happiness that I see on Pow’s face when I show it to him with slightly more finished on it.  His little (giant) face lights up like Christmas and I love that I can bring that much joy into someone’s life. 

·      Johnny dates with Pow… these are quite possibly my favourite kind of date in the world at the moment. I love sitting down with him and talking about all things Johnny-related. I love planning things and drawing things and generally feeling like I am a part of something so wonderfully special. 

·      Good GOD ten days… oh yes, today officially marks ten days until the arrival of the muffin. Ten days until I get to see the love of my life again for the first time in eight years… ten days until I get to see how real this all actually is. This time next week, it’ll be THREE days! SQUEE!

·      The ‘bulimia banter’ janey and I have… this is particularly a favourite because it just offers hours of fun. It all started back when I lost all the weight when chris and I first split… there was an individual who was concerned I was bulimic and was genuinely concerned for my health… this branched into janey pretending I was bulimic in public every time she saw me because I had lost more weight with every visit. This has now reached a full-blown out of control status with the banter we have on facebook… I returned home from my last trip to London with the following posted on my wall…

Danie, i love you very much, and i love having you stay, but i think its time we addressed your current situation; i found lots bags in your room left behind from where you stayed this weekend. bags of sick in the wardrobe. did you think i wouldn't find them? and all that food you bought while we were out. all wrapped up... and stuffed under the bed. did you think i wouldn't notice?
like i wouldn't notice how much more weight you've lost, and how you always go to 'powder your nose' after every meal, and return smelling of toothpaste and mouthwash.
i HAVE noticed and i'm worried.
i love you so much and can't stand you wasting away in front of my eyes.
i'm always here, and i'll always help you, but its breaking my heart when you do this.
xxx

To which I replied…

you know what jane?! it is just SO like you to feel like it's appropriate to bring this bullshit up like this in such a public place? where do you fucking get off thinking it's appropriate do smear my name like this in front of all my friends? so, i have a problem, i eat a little less than other people do... i sick up more often than some... my body my choice! ♥

her rebuttal…

argh! thats your answer to freaking everything: 'my body my choice!'
danie stop being bulimic, don't get the vagina tattooed on your head, don't lie on the floor... all thrown back in my ever loving face!

My response…

oh THAT'S RICH coming from you, jane i-like-to-piss-myself-in-the-middle-of-the-train-station hallam. fuck off with your 'caring' if that's what you can call it. i'm not interested. if you loved me you'd love me for everything that i am, not DESPITE my problems. i need a friend jane, not a counsellor.

And finally, from her…

at least i learn from my mistakes, and try and help others! and it wasn't piss- it was very liquid feashus from my tummy bug!

i love janey more than most things and people!

·      The way people smile to themselves when they receive a lovely text

·      A pair of massive tits in a tight top

·      Watching clouds move

·      Hot chocolate

·      My special black, shiny M&S shoes with the ribbons

·      Lee Lee dates

·      Really extravagant and elaborate coving

·      The teeth alastair’s making for Johnny

·      My penmanship

·      ‘Rehab’ by Amy Winehouse

·      The fact that Pow knows to stop changing channels when he sees Alan Carr on telly

·      Finding an excellent bargain

·      Hannah Zair cuddles

·      LOTS of glitter

·      Nick Parker

·      Robert Z’Dar

·      The silhouette of a tree that’s lost all of it’s leaves

·      Saline drips

·      Getting away with being naughty

·      Yankee candles

·      Long emails from the muffin

·      Having neon blue hair

·      Love songs

·      Rubbing soft things on my face

·      Good posture

·      Lee’s tartan jacket

·      Sassy haircuts

·      Cranberries

·      Dim Sum

·      Su Mai

·      The greasy spoon date with Pow (and the fact that he KNEW I’d want to take the little order number slip for my book

·      Shopping for Johnny stuff with Pow

·      Bacon

·      How excited about stuff Stacey gets

·      Bright, contrasting colours

·      Wearing a ring in my lip (as compared to a stud)

·      Fizzy water

·      Chewing on plastic

·      How much Ali’s dad likes to talk

·      Dane’s dogtags

·      My cleavage

·      The 80’s night at Bar One where I sat and sang 80’s songs and watched mannequin, ghostbusters and goonies with Nick

·      Disaster movies

·      Tibet

·      Spam fritters

·      Mayo and ketchup mixed

·      Massive explosions

·      Vuze

·      Binary

·      The French language

·      Pretty nailpolish

·      The Mona Lisa

·      Shopping with Pow Pow

·      Russian Accents

·      Buddy, the puppy at Bar One

·      Well-behaved youths

·      01032010, movie date with Pow

·      ‘Where the Buffalo Roam,’ both the film AND the song

·      Bill Murray

·      Beef stroganoff

·      The photoshoot with Nom and how unbelievably beautiful the photos are and how outrageously sexy I felt

the end! Have a stupendous week all! Yay!

here comes your tuesday...

Missed a week again, hey? I DO apologize. I have just been full of busy and win. There is just so much occurring in my beautiful little life at the moment that I can barely stand. This list promises to be an excellent one… excellent and meaningful, perhaps?

 ·       Janeyface… since my last list I have had a fabulous weekend of glee starring myself and janey. It was a beautiful weekend that saw us perform our usual opening scene of getting drunk immediately and watching youtube then we had tattootime, a meal out, some drinkies then MORE tattootime. I find it so wonderful that I have someone like janey in my life… someone I can be completely myself with. We talked about it in our drunken state (in between conversations about the tattoos we want to get on our scalps and how much we HATE carribean drinks), about how happy we are to have met one another. I tend to be the one to prompt this conversation lately, purely because I am reflecting a great deal on how amazingly wonderful my life is and I know that it is only this amazing because of the beautiful creatures in my life. Janey is a big one… someone who I can honestly be completely myself around. There is nothing I have to hide or dull down when I am with her, I can just be 100% myself and I love that about her. Her and I always have so much fun together and have all the best conversations. I simply adore every single little thing about her. She is so smart and funny and stunningly beautiful… roll on Friday for another drinking session and the pursuit of my soul mate!

·       Mini rolls

 ·       Pow Pow… again… I think it is safe to say that mostly every single list from now on will feature this boy. He’s just made of actual magic. Over the last several weeks we have become incredibly close… we talk most days and when we don’t talk, we text… he’s just… sigh, he’s like the amazingly beautiful brother that I never had. We are just constantly on the same wavelength and I love that about us… I love that he contacts me when he’s down or needs someone to talk to. I love that he cooked dinner for me last night (a night understandably dubbed our ‘MEAT date’ due to the large proportions of MEAT that we consumed. For dinner we had sausages and mash with a side of MEAT. Post-dinner we proceeded to consume large quantities of ice cream, crisps, chocolate, biscuits, gummy sweets and cola… It was glorious)… I love that he and I are working so closely on Johnny. I love that he wants me to meet his girlfriend. I love that he trusts me. I love that when he hugs me and looks at me I can tell that he loves me just as much as I do him. He’s just the most special person ever and I have absolutely no idea where I would be without him. He inspires so many things in me and makes me feel so brilliant… he’s just what I need most days. He grounds me and makes me feel okay when I could very easily be flying off the handles. I only hope that I do the same for him.

·       Telling people how proud I am of them and how much I love them… I am on a mission at the moment to make sure that people know how much they mean to me… I want everyone to know that and how proud I am of them. It is such a simple gesture that makes people feel so good. Try it sometime; it makes you feel good because you can make someone else feel good.

·       Valentine’s Day 2010… oh yes, this V-Day was made entirely of win. The celebrations started on the 8^th when I asked the muffin to be my valentine. He obliged and I started planning… I wrote up a list of policies and procedures to be adhered to as per his request and then went on a mission to find as many sweet, cute things to do as possible. The clock ticked over to me beginning an email to the muffin, the first of a specified minimum of four that were to be sent. My typing was interrupted by a series of texts from powface and then a phone call. He and I chatted for a while and planned our next date and then we said goodnight and I resumed typing an opus to the love of my life. I typed, attached a lovely photo and then fell into bed for a restful night of slumber. I woke several hours later to two emails in my inbox and a series of fabulous posts on my facebook (this is particularly delightful for me due to the fact that, as he is in the middle of as separation as well, he is attempting to be as discreet as possible about our ‘relationship,’ so it is fairly SQUEE-worthy that he occasionally posts things onto my page that are of a romantic nature). At half eleven I had a knock on the door which ended up being a fabulous gentleman delivering a bunch of roses and lilies with a card addressed to ‘Dr. Butcher. I pranced up to my room with the flowers to find a teddy bear (who I have since named ‘moore’) and a box of chocolates inside. I immediately sent the muffin an email saying that he was the sweetest creature alive and we bantered via email for the following few hours before we had a series of phone calls featuring glee and multiple ‘I love you’s’ it was a fabulous Valentine’s Day and the first one I can remember being so lovely in a long time. Thanks muffin.

·       The fact that when I told Pow Pow I was going to be starting a street dancing class he said, ‘OMG you should TOTALLY do it! THAT’S a blog entry I’d like to read!’ who knew powface even READ my blog?!

·       Combine Harvesters

·       Jaacqy… oh what a special boy! On the five-year anniversary of my wedding last Thursday I got a call from my beautiful jaacqy asking if I wanted to go on a Disney date with him. What kind of a stupid idiot would say ‘no’ to an offer like THAT?! So post-work I made my way into town and meet him outside of Lush and we decided to retire to the pub for a quick pint before the cinema. We sat and drank our elderflower wonderful and mused about the glee surrounding the muffin’s arrival and Johnny and everything. It was so nice just to catch up with him and to be able to look at his little face and remember why I love him so much. After our pints we strolled to the cinema and watched a film that made me laugh, cry, squee and delight in the wonderful that is Disney again. I LOVE their return to 2-d cartoons and I ADORE that this was the film that had the first black princess. It was a magical film and I am so pleased jaacqy was the prince that I went to see it with. After the film he walked me to my taxi and we dubbed February 11^th OUR anniversary now. We took a photo to commemorate it and went our separate ways. I love jaacqy so much and I hate that I don’t get to see him as often as I would like. He is such a glittery, beautiful creature.

·       FINALLY seeing Dean in his little Johnny costume

·       The way Lee Lee’s letters smell… there is little I love more than to receive a letter in the post with that ever-so familiar penmanship on the envelope… I know IMMEDIATELY to smell it and cuddle it close. The magical combination of Lush and fags, one of my favourite smells at the moment, makes me a happy little lady. 

 ·       My snowflakes… oh my actual GOD I love my snowflakes. Despite the massive amounts of pain involved in getting them, they were totally worth it because I now have fabulous memories etched into my skin in the shape of Pow Pow, Johnny and Lee Lee.

·       The new Henry Rollins books… both of which I received from the muffin in his latest parcel. The first one, A Preferred Blur, is amazing because it is filled with his journals from 2006/07 when he was going through a very severe depressive state. It is interesting to read someone else’s journals from their own personal journeys through the landscapes I myself have become so familiar with over the last several years. It’s particularly special because Henry is someone who has really altered my life a great deal. At fifteen, when I got my hands on my first book by him (The Portable Henry Rollins), my life changed. It was at that age that I started writing with the intensity and emotion that I do now. It was his words that guided me down a path of self-exploration and reflection. He is an incredibly inspiring man and I love that he has allowed myself and so many other people into his personal life the way that he has.

·       The fact that, last night, when I mentioned to Pow Pow that I wanted to give him a book that changed my life he KNEW that it was Henry Rollins without a moment’s hesitation… that is something I didn’t even know I had told him and he knew. It proves that he actually DOES listen sometimes. <3

·       Stacey… my new housemate. Every single day she delights me with a new way of making me laugh. At first I was hesitant… you don’t live with someone for near-on six years and then find it easy to make a quick and smooth transition into a new lifestyle with a new person… it took me time. I was worried at first that our age difference would cause a ruckus in the household but over the last three weeks she has really grown on me. She deals with all my ridiculous hobbies and foibles in stride, attempts to get me to do new things (ie. Street dancing classes) and is just generally a fabulous little ball of wonderful energy. Her greatest and funniest comment to date came two nights ago when she beckoned me to see if was interested in having some curry that she planned to cook last night. I responded with a negative, reminding her I would be having MEAT with Pow Pow instead. She responded with shock and asked if Pow Pow ACTUALLY cooked, to which I replied that I was not sure, but if I was dead the next day, she would know why and perhaps I should write out a will… in response to this she said, and I quote, ‘oh yes! You should do that! Write another list! Things to avenge in your name in the event of your untimely death!’ and you can bet your sweet buns I DID write a list and post it on the wall in the dining room before i left for workies yesterday. She sent me a delighted text later on in the afternoon lol’ing about it. I reckon her and I will be just fine.

·       Photos that capture shadows well

·       My ability to touch-type

·       The way a dog holds it’s paw when it’s hurt

·       When the wind sometimes ‘pushes’ me along whilst I’m walking

·       Having tattoos in new places… I love it when I can look someplace that used to be bare and see something new there… obviously, when I very first got the massive one on my arm done the excitement was there constantly. Nearly two years on, the novelty of it has worn off (whilst I still DO have little fits of excitement from time to time when I see it, they are fewer and further between)… now though! My thighs are the owners of new ink babies and every time I prance in front of the mirror I fall in love with them!

·       The way Germans say ‘worried’

·       The ‘pump it up’ situation with janey… honestly, the worst thing I have ever, EVER consumed in my life. Janey and I fell in love with the bottles and their illicit photographs on the front the instant we saw them at that tiny carribean shop that Saturday in hackney… fell in love and were entranced by what exactly could live inside of them. As promised, janey arrived in derby with two bottles of beverage, Bedroom Bully (non-alcoholic, depicting a VERY sassy female in what appears to be bondage gear on the front) and Pump it Up (5% alcoholic with ingredients such as raw moon bush, strong back, giant wisp, poor-man-friend, blood wisp, bryal wisp, nerve wisp and tuna (yes, tuna) and depicting an inter-racial couple very near to intercourse on the front). After drinking a suitable amount of cider we decided to embark on the beverages of glory. We began with the Bedroom Bully, which was just like a stale ginger beer. I hate ginger, so I scowled a lot. Once all the Bedroom Bully had been consumed we moved on to the Pump it Up which promptly ruined our lives. The smell alone was something to behold. It smelled exactly like vinegar mixed with formaldehyde. I was forced to take the first sip and, for the first time in my life, actually heaved from the taste of something. It was actually the worst thing I have ever tasted in my life, ever. So now, I have a bottle of Pump it Up sat on my shelf with a mere four sips taken out of it… I presume it will live there now until the end of time.

·       Prairie dogs

·       Writing on napkins and Kleenex

·       Date-stamping things

·       Stacey’s list

·       Honesty

·       Steam rollers

·       Really beautiful half-cast boys

·       Fancy fingernails

·       Michael McIntyre

·       Cat noses

·       The fiery furnaces

·       Finishing a bear

·       Being back at workies

·       Ben and jerry’s half-baked ice cream

·       Pow’s face when he is doing something involving Johnny

·       Having my two best friends in one place at one time… Saturday before last played host to the fact that I would have BOTH of my best friends in one place at one time… I felt the time had come for Pow and janey to meet one another properly, so I orchestrated a fabulous meal out at a chinese buffet. I can’t honestly explain how wonderful it was to have them both together at once. Like, I love them both individually, but to actually share a space with my two favourite people in the world at one time, it’s mind-blowing. They got on like a house on fire and I am pleased. The world has been set straight now.

·       SEVENTEEN days!

·       Phone calls from Stephanie

·       Stalking Stephanie on her webcam

·       Holding newborn babies

·       Chris Tree... what a wonderful boy! I've always been fascinated by Tree... he's a quirky, fun, fooking HYSTERICAL boy that I met ages ago who seems to be friends with all of my friends. We like to banter in foul ways at one another and go out for lunch dates in city centre to watch the starlings. He and I participated in one of these dates last weekend and it was wonderful. We ate, had a cup of cocoa and took photos... it was thrilling and I hope we do it more before i depart!

 

Divorce: Day 133

has it ACTUALLY been THAT long? nineteen weeks? nearly five months?!

parts of me feel like it's been longer and other tiny parts feel like it was just last night that we were sat on the sofa watching peepshow and cutting the cord on the trainwreck that had become our relationship.

so many massive things have happened over the last five months that make me FEEL like it's been longer.

i was looking through photos on facebook today and found myself caught short with emotion at the sight of one in particular. this image, the one in question, it is one of the estranged and i... it is from a sporadic night out with goncalves and we both looked beautiful and it is one of the last times i can remember being really happy with him.

the photo you can now see if you direct your eyes slightly to the right, upon first glance, immediately made my tummy flip over in an ugly and unwelcome way. it hit me very, VERY suddenly that, whilst i had forgotten it over the last year, i used to love this person so, SO much. i can recall with perfect clarity what i was thinking when this photo was taken, and that was 'oh my LORD this boy is the love of my life, he KNEW what treat to abscond from work to make his little wifey happy!' (the treat was a roast pork sandwich with applesauce, made with homemade bread OMGNOM). the night featured excellent chats, mojitos and cuddles aplenty.

it is only today after seeing that photo that i am now able to remember brief times where i loved him huge. it was from this photo that i had a little bit of a journey within my head, looking through old photos and remembering as many tiny moments as i could. most of the moments were taken from secret, special dates he and i had in bed, alone, before rising from our slumber. i remember those were the best times for us because it was when we were both still too sleepy to realize that we were not made for one another. those moments, under the duvet, before the rest of our worlds had started stirring were the most magical because they were moments made just for us... moments when we didn't have to argue about who didn't have a job or which one of us spent more on he shopping that week.

i am now very slowly beginning to remember that all our times were not horrific. we had many magical journeys and i feel thankful for the time he and i have had together. thankful enough to have had a piece of him/us etched into my skin.

i was not due to go in to see kevin until later this week but he woke me this morning saying his appointment had canceled and would i like to come in today. what kind of a fool would have said 'no?!' so i pranced into town, procured three bottles of orange juice, drew out my money and made my way to the shop.

it would be a lie to say that i wasn't nervous about going into the shop today. i hadn't been in since gem and mel were around.... since things were normal. i hadn't been back in the shop for near on a year.

i walked in and everything felt like it always had. the boys were wonderful and it wasn't more than seven minutes before kevin started making comments about my 'growler.' the next four hours were spent  with my skirt lifted completely up and getting stabbed. we talked, caught up and poked a little fun at the estranged (as the boys were NEVER his biggest fan). thomas told me he had missed me and scratched my head and it was just generally a glorious day.

so, at 1600 this afternoon i emerged from the tattoo parlour with a new ink baby on my leg. he has not been named yet, but he is beautiful. i got a puffin because they are one thing that always made me think of chris most. the reason of this stems back to one of the above-mentioned morningtime dates. typically, when we had just woken, i used to turn the telly on so it could create a fun soundtrack to whatever it was we were doing or talking about. one morning, there was a documentary on about puffins.  a scene came on where they showed the mummy and daddy puffins bringing foods to their babies. the babies, referred to as 'pufflings' were squawking and generally being loose cannons and chris immediately turned to me and said that it appeared they had captured ME in this documentary. from that moment on the name he called me most often was 'puffling.'

the lightbulb was totally because kevin, thomas and i thought the puffin looked sassy and like he had just had a thought, so we whacked it on there.

rewind twenty-four hours and you will find me waiting on a phone call from pow pow with a bucket in my kitchen. a bucket filled with water, salt, soda crystals, washing-up liquid and a pig's face.

yes, you read that right, a pig's face. thursday evening saw me open the door to kate and mike... mike had a carrier bag in his hands and i immediately began to squeal. the following two hours featured us watching mike skin the pig's head, playing with the pig's eyeballs and investigating the inner-workings of the pig's head.

so yes, last night i was waiting, mobile in hand, for a call to say we would soon be beginning what i presumed would be the best date in the history of AP/DVB dates. he arrived at a little after eight and we ate din dins (homemade chicken stir-fry and fried rice). we talked a little and we pranced up to my room so he could finally see where all my fabulous creations are made.

on a side note: i ADORE my bedroom at the moment. it is a delicious combination of fabulous clutter and inspiration for me. i feel like at the moment my brain is going at full-speed with ideas for things to make and my bedroom is doing nothing but inspiring that. it is the perfect place for me to sit down and think, create and plan things. i love my little nest. 

anyways, pow pow investigated my room, enjoyed my clutter, watched the muffin's new video (which can be viewed at the end of this post) and helped me carry a giant piece of wood down the stairs for nailing the pig's face to. the next three hours we drank MANY cups or tea, cured the pig's head, took over 100 photos and had some really fabulous chats.

honestly, there is nobody else in the world that i love doings things with more than him. he is just so silly and wonderful and we are so often on the same wavelength with most everything (which he confirmed last night by saying that he felt like we had gotten closer over the last couple of weeks. it makes me happy to think that i'm not just imagining it). we made some more plans for johnny, took some obligatory AP/DVB photos and he made his way home for OMGSLEEPYTIMES.

so, i now have a pig's face nailed to a piece of wood in my kitchen, drying out very nicely. it feels nice to have ANOTHER piece of johnny finished. i know it's only the start, but it's something and it makes me happy to see pow pow so happy.

so, post-133 days, i am happy as a little clam. i have amazing friends, health and a pig's face. what more could a girl ask for?


now, please see my muffin's new video and fall in love with his face and lyrical styling. this is just ANOTHER reminder of why i adore him.