Day 16 - A drunk photo of you.

as it seems the bulk of my photos are of me drunk, i couldn't just pick one. does it surprise anyone that janey's in the most of them?

Divorce: Day 231

Thirty-three weeks weeks ago today the whole of my life altered completely. 

Thirty-three weeks ago today I was still married, but very unhappily. Things between chris and I had become so strained that he had resorted to hating a very good friend of his and calling into my place of work to check and see if I was in. the arguments were heated and often, leaving our relationship in such a state of disrepair that we decided we had no choice but to give up. We were both tired physically, emotionally and mentally. It was too much to have to deal with anymore… well, I am really only at liberty to speak to myself, but I can’t help but think that he would agree were he to be reading this. 

all those weeks ago i never anticipated that i would have come as far as i have or done the things i have done. 


i found myself alarmed the other night at the realization that it has indeed been eight months since we ended things. the revelation came to me perched at the bar in my favourite pub... i was chatting with franny and fondly remembering all the fabulous times i've had there over the last two years and already finding myself pining for the saturdays i won't be able to prance into that beautiful little place on newland street and smell the familiar stale beer scent that i have come to love so much, saturdays when i won't be going home covered in dog hair after romping around drunkenly with buddy, the tiny resident canine. 


memories came to me, swirling in the shape of gigs, cupcake extravaganzas and fag breaks with strangers... all of which were done by the side of my then-husband. the bulk of my first memories there involved chris in some way... it's not until recently, perhaps the last couple of months that i've found myself willing to go out on my own and have a good time. now though, most of my saturdays tend to see me prancing out to the pub if only to drink myself into a stupor and heckle the local hussies, disableoids and hideous chodes that filter in and out of the pub with the owner, nick. i love and cherish my saturdays and am on a mission to occupy as many of them as possible with fabulous memories involving elderflower cider, franny, nick and billy ocean. i seem to have very happily developed the ability to go out and have a good time on my own, something i never anticipated i'd be able to do had you asked me to eight months ago... now though, i go out and am finding myself existing with a new-found confidence that i have fallen madly in love with.


the last two weeks my mobile has played host to countless texts from my ex-husband... the first arriving on the day of my newest tattoo... i was reclining in a pub on a sofa that was seemingly made of clouds, musing over the fabulousness of life when my mobile vibrated on the table. i scooped it up expecting a comical limerick from Pow or some sort of love from the boyface, but instead it quoted the sender as 'Estranged.' i snorted at janey and opened it to find a fairly casual text asking when my tattoo would be occurring and how i was. i replied advising i had just left the tattoo shop and asking if he wanted to see a photo of my newest inky baby. he said he did so i sent him a photo and asked how he was. janey and i were in the middle of discussing what his motives were for being so friendly when i got another ping/vibrate telling me about his day and generally being delightful. 


this has been going on now for the last eleven days. this all comes as a surprise to me after a meal we had round mine three weeks ago. chris arrived at mine with the intent of looking at the fishy babies and planning what to do with them when i offered him a meal as i had baked bread and was making spaghetti. he obliged and we had a really lovely meal that saw us range in topics of conversation from Muffin to Manface to the fact that we both believe americans over-medicate everyone and everything they possibly can. we ate and talked and had a generally nice time... all to be squared-away by a final thought, a'la jerry springer, outlining the fact that talking to me was still incredibly painful for chris and he most likely wouldn't be in touch for a while. 

despite this forecast the conversations have been flowing and chris and i have been  getting on quite well... he is finally finding himself able to talk more about things, claiming that he's decided he wished he could hate me, but at the end of the day, he really does like talking to me and i know him really well, so it's nice for him. 


i would be lying if i were to say that it's nice to finally be able to talk to him and be amicable. i am slowly learning to stop referring to manface by her loving pet-name and i am remembering slowly why he is a really good person. he's funny, quick and JUST the right amount of cynical. it's nice to have that back in my life, at a lovely and safe distance.

the distance comes in the form of texts... mostly daily... the content ranging from topics about bands we are both listening to and how things are going with our prospective significant others. 

the last day or two my mobile has housed texts discussing how surreal it is for him that i am leaving. he just keeps repeating that he can't believe i'm going. i don't really know what to do with this information, so i am just putting it in an envelope and filing it away with the other strange and confusing bits of my life.


in other divorce-related news, i have officially met ANNA (who i plan to, from here-on-out, refer to by her real name, at the request of chris... i am feeling nice, so i have obliged). this happened on a night i was particularly drunk and looking incredibly fabulous. i was on form enough to prance over, shriek about my ducks (see later blog) and then grab her and apologize for ever upsetting her. she seemed pleased and said she'd like to talk if i was going to be around later in the night... i said i was, but once i had another drink in me the bile in my stomach said i wasn't. 

last night sealed the amicable deal, when during my regular date-night at bar one, whilst sat at my regular seat (which offers me the PERFECT perspective of any and all people who might enter the pub) with nick and franny, ANNA and chris walked in... i was desperate to contain my glee as i pulled out my little tin covered in unicorns and moustaches which houses my smoking (cancer) products. i told franny she needed to smoke as well and we pranced outside to see them sat there with their perspective drinks. franny and i chatted a bit and then, somehow, i can't really recall, i was beckoned over to them. we chatted about the fact that i had seen ANOTHER man dying (see later blog), about the gallery opening nick and i went to and how incredibly inebriated i was. 


we bantered for a while and i was then saved by an attack stage left... it was my squishy pow-face and amy. i spun around and immediately embraced amy, then pow. the three of us squealed about everything and then nothing... then got more drinks.


the remainder of the night was just delightful. i existed in between chats with Nick and ANNA/Chris/Mark... ever-being followed by amy, so as to ensure i said or did nothing stupid. we smoked, drank and generally got on okay. it was nice and today, i can say that my divorce is going okay... chris and i have gone past the horrible fighting stage and are now on regular speaking terms again, which pleases me. despite all the bad times we had, he's a really good person and i hated the thought of losing that. 


now, please enjoy some photos from last night... 

All I ever really cared about was Tuesday…

Every Monday I get excited…  my mind starts whirring around all the possible items that I will get to list and explain my love for for the week… I LOVE doing my lists, they are one of my favourite parts of the week… I was desperately sad to have not been able to do a list for the last two weeks, not only because of my inappropriate love affair with all things list-related, but also because there was SO much hearting going on… I honestly don’t think there’s ever been a period of time that I have hearted SO much… my book has had SO many pages filled out over the last week and I can promise you that this list, it will be quite possibly the longest and most fabulous list to date. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry and you’ll TOTALLY be jealous of my hair (even I’M jealous of it and it’s my own bloody hair!)
So without any further ado, the list!

 Muffin… bound to be the first thing on the list, really… he’s now officially existed in real life with me and gone and pretty much every single moment of it was absolute bliss… I attempted to envelope myself entirely in the fact that I had him here with me…. I still found myself in shock sometimes, like it hadn’t completely sunk in. I’d look at him and think, ‘holy CRAP, this boy is actually here with me!’ it was all very surreal but amazingly perfect… I love every single tiny thing about him. his hair, his eyeballs, his nose, his clothes, the way he smells (personal favourite thing about him), the relative smallness of his ears compared to mine (23mm smaller, actually), his tattoos, his feets, his hands, his neck, his bear arms, his piercings, his voice, the way he talks, his taste in things, his sense of humour… I literally I could go on for forever… I love him so much. I know I sound like a stupidly gushy girl right now, but I am so happy and I don’t give a crap. I could exist every single moment snuggled up to this boy and never regret a single thing I might miss in the meantime. He is perfect in every single way possible… I never actually knew it was possible to find someone who is everything you ever could dream of asking for and then some, but here I am with this boy in my life who has superseded any and all hopes, dreams and desires by leaps and bounds… he’s incredible and still baffles me.  

Watching my two favourite boys bond… I love that I have been given the rare chance to watch the two most important boys in my life bond… Pow, the boy I spend more time with than anyone EVER was playing gigs the last two Saturdays which we attended… the first was in Nottingham, we arrived and after the sound check I perched on a booth with Amy (hang on, I’ll get to her later!) whilst Muffin and Pow went through the gazillion photos Muffin had on his camera from his trip so far… I just sat with a stupidly happy grin on my face from that moment on as I watched them share little laughs and chats… it was outrageously special to witness… to see Pow, this boy who has been a solid rock and listened to me piss and moan for the last five years meet and play nice with Muffin, the boy who stole my heart ten years ago… it’s magical. I was so terrified that they might not get on and I would have to have that “dan, I really don’t think you should be moving away with him” chat with Pow. To know now that I won’t have to have that chat… it’s a relief. I told Muffin up front that if Pow didn’t approve then I would seriously reconsider moving back stateside… that I wanted his blessing before I committed myself to anything. After the last gig, this last Saturday we three were riding a coach back from London. Muffin was sleeping (precious bear!) and Pow and I talked… I asked him what he thought of Muffin and he said that he absolutely adored him and that he rarely bonds with someone so quickly… since then Pow’s been speaking his praises, my favourite being at din dins Sunday night when Pow offered a little toast (with his cup of tea) saying that he felt it was an honour to meet Muffin and that he was going to take care of me until we were together again. Pow loves my boyfriend and I love that fact… I love that I can speak to Pow about Muffin and he’ll validate my love for him by talking about how amazing he is… this, knowing that my two boys bonded, this makes my little heart much more relaxed.
Sex… for the longest time I have been living on my own little planet with regard to sex… my relationship with the estranged left a lot to be desired. It got to the point where I HATED getting into bed with him because I knew he’d harass me and I knew I’d have to offer him another lie about why I didn’t want it THAT time. If I’m being honest, I’ve never really been THAT bothered about sex anyways… I’ve had three partners in my life and in between two of them, there was a three-year gap with little or no upset on my behalf. I spend a great deal of time wondering what is wrong with me when I read all those women’s magazines or watching those female empowerment films and see the highly-sexed women who have no less than three sex toys and two partners a week… I always wondered why I never had that huge, deep-seated burning in my little loins for a little rumpy-pumpy. It wasn’t until about two months after I started speaking to Muffin again that it seemed a switch was flicked. Up until his arrival all I could think about was how amazingly brilliant it was going to be…. Now that his visit has come and gone, I have officially lost another six lbs which I can only attribute to the fact that I can’t get enough of bed-themed funtime with him. It was all so new and exciting and he makes me feel incredible and so, so comfortable. I feel a little like I’ve just woken up and am experiencing all this stuff for the first time in nine years… I’m no Carrie from Sex in the City, but I am well on my way to being…. Oh I don’t know, some girl who likes a good rogering on a very regular basis.  
Pow… there are few people in the world that I adore more than him… we’ve both been extremely busy the last couple of weeks so we’ve not spent a GREAT deal of time together, but we’ve still been in contact and it’s been nice… when the three of us went out for the meal together it was just nice to have eye contact with Pow… to gauge how he’s feeling and to talk to him… my favourite thing about him is, when he and I are hanging out, he watches me. I don’t know if he thinks I don’t notice, but he does it all the time… when we’re at his watching films, at dinner, just talking, at a gig… he can occasionally be found just watching me and it makes me feel so comfortable. So when we were out at dinner the other night he watched me for ages and it… sigh, there’s no words to explain how it makes me feel. He’s just such a special boy and I have no idea what I’d do if he wasn’t in my life.
Painting Tipp-Ex on my nails
Mousakka
Aubergines
Carla Bruni
Pecans
Trying out a new recipe
My polka-dot dress
Collaborating on projects with Pow
Big lips
The fact that my boss sent me an email that said, ‘FANTASTICO!’ on it
Pressing warm photocopies to my face 
Morningtime phonecalls from Janeyface… these are my favourite because most mornings, whilst I am on my way into workies I will get a text from the janey that simply says, ‘call you?’ to which I ALWAYS reply in the positive. She rings and I walk down the street in a gleeful haze of laughter and knowing that she is one of my best friends in the entire world. I love the looks I get as I shriek and double over in fits of laughter in the middle of the pavement at half seven in the morning… I love the fact that we do this mostly every morning.
The fact that Robert Z’Dar added me on facebook
Board games
Anticipation
My Zen garden
The pig face
When Chevy’s happy
The torsos in my lounge
Big windows
Snap Dragons
Poppies
Bachelors Buttons
Excellent moustaches
Cherry Carmex
Otto who works in the canteen at workies
How excited everyone got for Muffin’s arrival
The first Muffin/danie photo
Listening to The Muffin breathe as he sleeps
My pink hair
Chicken Tikka Kebabs
Stephanie Smith
Dave Culleton
Just lying around and watching a film with The Muffin
Being warm… not hot, warm
‘Caribbean Queen’ by Billy Ocean
The very first glance I got of The Muffin
Learning how to be close to someone again
Learning about someone’s daily foibles
How big the holes in my ears are now (28mm and counting)
Muffin Kisses
Kissing Muffin’s left shoulder
Hugging Muffin
‘The Hangover’
London trip with The Muffin... and all the loose cannon photos that were taken (please see below)

My hair
The Museum of Natural History
Ringing the bell on the bus
The dogtags The Muffin had made for me
My Vans
The smell of Muffin kisses
The fact that Kate named a calf on Rich’s farm ‘Manface’ 
Amy Blackwell… no word of a lie, this girl is just magical… she is the first of ALL of Pow’s girlfriends that I have ever been allowed to meet and she is wonderful. She was out two Saturdays ago when Muffin and I attended the HJG gig and her and I bonded like woah. I’m not sure why we bonded so much on Saturday in a place FULL of people as opposed to in Ali’s house on a relaxing night in (our last and first meeting) but I enjoyed myself nonetheless… her and I sat in a huddled corner and stared at our perspective boys, turning to one another regularly to squinch up our faces and express how much we love them without the need to shout. We drank and chatted and generally had a wonderful time. She loves him so much and that’s what he needs most…. He needs someone that’s going to love him despite his little freak-outs and just hold on to him tight. I reckon she’ll do him a world of good and I am pleased I’ve finally been allowed to meet one of the girlfriends. I love Amy and I cannae wait for our next bonding session which will be taking place Friday. Yay!
Hot Japanese Girl
Pound Coins
‘I Love You Phillip Morris’
Waking up to Muffin’s face 
The BFF super-date that is in the pipeline… I am SUPER pumped for this… as I’ve mentioned before, I will be getting my scalp tattooed… I will be doing this soon and janey will be coming up to visit so’s she can hold my tiny hand and cheer me on. Not only that, but now, Pow will be prancing to mine the night before so’s the three of us can have a super bff partytime. I LOVE the thought of having a fabulous night in with my two favourites… I honestly can’t wait! SQUEE!
Really cold cans of cola
Muffin’s new tattoos
Making fun of The Muffin’s estranged partner… who is completely insane and a total biotch. I HATE her name, her face and everything to do with her… I mock her mercilessly…. It pleases me.
Popping my wrists
Being certain of things 

Jaacqy
Goncalves
Potterton
Writing on my hands
Mathlock Bath
Stretching my ears
Foggy days
Muffin texts
When bits of my tattoos peak out of the sleeves of my shirts/jackets
Mini Rolls
PaperMate Liquid Expresso pens
How completely insane some people can be… a prime example of this being the fact that an old friend (who is consequently NOT an old friend anymore… just a person I have fond memories of and who seems to hate my stinking guts and creep back into my life in an explosive way periodically to try to hurt me in as many ways as possible) seems to have been posting status updates on Facebook recently complaining that it was HER idea for me to get the ducks tattooed on my scalp… this is funny for three reasons… 1. I have not spoken to this particular individual for nearly nineteen months and when we WERE talking I had absolutely NO inclination to get my scalp tattooed at all, whatsoever (we DID, however discuss HER getting the ducks tattooed on her fat arm once, for about forty seconds). 2. It was Pow and Lee Lee who suggested it to me about five weeks ago, in my house, in my bedroom. 3. It WASN’T her idea. I mean really, who in god’s name actually feels it’s appropriate to publicly complain about someone so ridiculously stupid? She needs to get a life.  

MC Lars… Oh. My. God. When Muffin said that he wanted to go to some gig in Birmingham I was reluctant and a little moody about it… I don’t really go to gigs anymore and when I do, they are small, VERY local gigs that don’t cost more than a fiver to get into… I don’t go to gigs that cost more than ten pounds JUST go get in and cost a further twelve pounds to travel to the locale and a FURTHER thirty-five pounds for a hotel room since it is too far away to get home on time. because all these factors were in place for this gig I was a little moody about having to go but I went because I wanted my big bear to be happy and LOVED the idea of a romp in a hotel room with him. we arrived in Birmingham and got a taxi to the hotel… we mocked it’s tiny size and pov interior before prancing into central Birmingham for some shopping and din dins. After stuffing our bellies with pizza and our minds with serious future talks we hopped into a cab to the O2 Arena where Muffin lost it and got super excited. We arrived JUST in time to see MC Lars, who muffin had been singing the praises of for the last two days. We pushed our way up as near to the front as possible and they began… the INSTANT I saw him I fell in love (or was that lust?) and the moment the first words came out of his mouth I knew I had to marry him. he’s hysterical and has a stage presence that makes me swoon. When they finished performing Muffin found him in the crowd and said hi. We chatted with him for a little while about Muffin being in the ARMY and my living in England after moving from the US. After about six minutes he had to go but said we had to go to the after party and told us where we needed to go. After the gig we pranced to a local pub and waited with pints… we kissed and snuggled and made fun of one another until the arrival of Lars. He saw us and immediately waved and came over… he sat with us and we proceeded to monopolize all his attention for the rest of the night. he got us pints, shots and talked with us until the wee hours in the morning when the band was being herded into a taxi to the hotel… I can officially say now that I am in love with MC Lars and you should listen to him and hang out with him after a gig,… he’s a fabulous boy! 
Our night at the Paragon Hotel... quite possibly the most shite hotel in the world but magical nonetheless!
Dane's signature

 My newest tattoo... yes, it's a vagina and yes, it is permanent! 
Feeling like people love me
The fact that Stephanie rang me to see how i was yesterday
Blowing my nose
When Chris isn't satan when we talk
Dane's dad
Bananas
Planning projects
How easy it is to talk to Dane
having the ducks together for the first time ever... a tattoo dane and i always said we would both get... something i designed when i was fifteen just before i started dating Muffin... he got his ages ago and i got mine about three years ago... they are now bff!

the following photos...