As you all know, my head has been swarming with many varieties of fish for the last week… some like tiny, beautiful little Clown Fish (Amphiprioninae), all cutesy-poo and flippy. All swimming by in an array of colours and playing nicely together, making things feel all light and fun like the ever-famous Disney-Pixar film which has now made fish shop workers hate any customer that comes in asking for a “Nemo.” Deeper and more menacing were the Angler Fish (Lophius Piscatorius), being all bitey and occasionally gobbling up some of the cuter, more fun fish, just because they could. Overall, the Anglers had gotten a little out of control and tuesday it had culminated into a darkness that left me sleepless, distressed and weepy.
The darkness came from the fact that I have ALLOWED those Anglers to take over for so long and forgot to occasionally stop to feed the Clownies. I had allowed myself to become consumed by the stupid stresses, doubts and worries that have been attempting to take over my life for the last couple of months. Despite what everyone I have confided in has told me, I have refused to accept the fact that this isn’t forever… for me, the things I will be leaving next week will be gone… the current that I live in at the moment is constantly shifting and evolving and to abandon it for a year is to pretty much say goodbye to it because when I come back in a thirteen month’s time, it will not be the same at all… people will have changed, I will have most likely lost touch with some of my favourites and buildings will have been built and torn down.
Tuesday night the waves came with the help of Pow… he arrived home with a random piece of shrubbery in one hand and a guitar and pastries in the other. I had been milling around the house tidying, cooking and packing and felt deflated. When he arrived I had been curled-up on the sofa watching Mitchell and Webb, wishing I wasn’t feeling so emo… he came in with a proud face and I hopped-up to finish dinner. I cooked and in between stirrings of the pot we talked and hugged.
We sat and ate… I felt numb. He asked if I wanted to talk about what was going on with me, something he doesn’t do often… my chin did that little quivering thing and my eyes leaked a little bit…
The next hour and a half was an interesting deep-sea dive of sorts. I grabbed each Angler one by one and showed them to Pow, explaining each of their anatomies… the Muffin one, which makes me feel anxious, lied-to, hurt and terrified. The America one, which makes me feel excited but insecure and doubtful of my future. I had shown these Anglers to Janey, Alison and Ashley over the previous couple of days and they supported me, offering me validation and warm e-hugs. Pow didn’t offer me this courtesy… he was bluntly honest and on Muffin’s side, making me hate him briefly and wonder why he couldn’t just tell me that I am right and offer me a hug like everyone else. Our conversation became heated and all the Anglers became riled so we ended it, finished the film then rinsed his hair.
The thing Pow was most firm on was the fact that I NEEDED to speak to Muffin about what was going on… so I did just that. Despite Muffin’s almost complete lack of time for me, I finally got in touch with him voice-to-voice and we talked… we hashed things out in between my mobile beeping at me that I had texts. I hung up still not feeling 100%, but more like, 92.6%.
I checked my messages… the first one was from Pow, reminding me to stay calm and to let him know how it went.
The other from Christopher, telling me he didn’t think he was going to be able to face meeting up with me before I leave and asking if I ever thought I was going to go “home.” I replied to the Ex, asking what his definition of “home” was and saying I understood about not wanting to meet up, but I’d really like to.
I then replied to Pow, telling him it went okay and telling him Christopher had texted me.
He asked if I wanted to talk.
I said yes.
He told me to come in.
I put on a cardigan and padded into his room and curled-up on the left-hand side of his bed. I had never laid on his bed before and was surprised by how comfortable it was. I went through the entire conversation with Muffin, telling Pow the highs and lows, wondering the entire time what he was thinking. He then turned to his side and curled-up facing me and he began to talk… I watched his face as the light next to his bed got dimmer and dimmer (as an aid to allow you to fall into a natural sleep). I listened to his words as I inhaled, attempting, as usual, to memorize the moment. My eyeballs got misty as we discussed his relationships and my move and how he coped with a similar situation.
He then asked me about my text from Chris… I rolled onto my belly and read it to him. Almost as if to put a period on the end of the final sentence in the text, I received another one from Chris and read it aloud without pre-reading it, which was a big mistake on my behalf. I choked on the words “coffee machine” as i read them out... I remember so well how excited I was when I picked it out and I remember how I HAD to give it to him two weeks before Christmas because I just couldn’t wait to see the glee on his face when he opened it.
Pow and I talked for an hour more… we talked about the significance of the coffee machine and how his household item was a hand blender. We talked about his divorce and my divorce and how he thinks a proper goodbye is very important. As he talked I laid there and wondered how I was going to go an entire thirteen months without him… he spoke to me about the past and how I’ve changed since I’ve known him and it made my chest hurt to think that this boy that knows me better than anyone else will be 9,000 miles away and there’s nothing I’m going to be able to do about it. I won’t be able to train someone in that time and I don’t have the desire to in the first place.
We talked until his medication kicked in and he was too slur-y for me to pay attention to anymore and I asked for a hug. I grabbed him and held him and instantly started to cry. I cried and told him how much I was going to miss him and how much I loved him. He brushed it off like he always does and I left him to sleep.
once i got into bed we texted for a while longer, until I was on the wrong side of 3am and I was going to die if I didn’t go to sleep immediately…
I laid there, after the final text in a haze of complete content… like everything, all the tension, stress, fear and awful feelings had built up and finally been allowed to crash on the beach of my life and retreat.
Everything’s gone now… like it’s all been washed-away. The only niggling feelings that I have are ones of absolute anguish from imagining what that final hug with Pow will be like or how emotional I will get at my leaving party. I feel okay now, like I CAN deal with this and like this ISN’T forever… although it will feel like ages and when I come back things won’t be exactly the same, I will be fine and that’s all that matters. Chris and I will meet up, Pow and I will continue to make fabulous memories for the next seven days and I will arrive in Seattle next Thursday into the waiting arms of Muffin with a positive outlook and hopeful smile (and most likely sleep in my eyes and tears on my cheeks). Life is going to go on and all the good things that usually happen to me will continue to happen… I work hard to have all the little bits of magic in my life take place and I won’t settle for any less now, despite all the darkness, ugly and terror. I deserve the best and I am going to continue ensuring I have the best.