Monday, 12 October 2009

miss you more than an junkie misses heroin at a methadone clinic

it is amazing how much things can change in a week...

this time last week my biggest problem was worrying how i was going to get through another day at work but now... NOW! oh you KNOW there'll be a list...

  1. it has come to light that christopher has been speaking to a female for about six days. a female he is planning romantic encounters with.
  2. a female who he met on an online dating site that he signed up with a mere THREE days after we decided to separate.
  3. a female who has now taken such a precedence in our house that i am often not allowed in the room when he is speaking to her.
  4. a female who he plans to meet in real life this saturday. a female who is now creating a wedge in our home life so much that i have been forbidden to go out to a gig that she MIGHT be at just in case i cause i scene.
  5. i have started talking to my danish muffin again... it's nice because he's someone i can literally talk to about everything in the world. when i talk to him i completely forget that i'm in the middle of a big, fat separation and feel like i'm a normal girl who has the best friend in the world. it is so strange how, no matter how many times he's fucked up, no matter how much he broke my heart, he's still the one i can never, ever get out of my head. he's the one who i will always worry about and the one who will always worry about me. he is my real-life version of ross and i'm rachel. no matter what happens, we always end up talking again and everything is forgotten. it's like a fabulous glove that i lose every so often but always fits my hand perfectly when i find it and i wonder why i ever stopped wearing it. he's really helped me with my low moods and talked me through some hard times. it's nice to have him back.
  6. i've lost a stone (14lbs). i literally am not eating. nothing. at all. i can list everything i've eaten over the last week on one hand. i just have no appetite, and when i DO feel hungry and try to eat something i am finished within like, three bites. this only occurs once a day before i give up.
  7. i've had swine flu, which has been fun. i got ill last wednesday and went off work, got my prescription of tami flu and set up post in my bedroom armed with every book by henry rollins and omgsomuchwater. it was glorious to just lie in bed and fall in and out of states of consciousness for three days straight. i haven't done it in so long and it was totally what i needed.
  8. i saw zombieland! which was totally worth every penny and every bit of stress that was involved to get alastair out. jesus it was an incredible film. as a zombie film nazi, it didn't disappoint. i laughed, i cried and i "awwwww'd"
  9. i saw my consultant who told me point blank that i looked terrible and how was i able to work at the moment? he signed me off for the next week and we will look into in more once i've seen a lady about CBT next monday. so, i guess we'll see.
  10. i've put my lip ring in again, which is mostly exciting because, well, if you've ever stretched your ears, you'd know about that special 'pop' that happens when the jewellery finally goes in... yeah, that happened with my lip. it was amazing.
so there we are... a list of the most influential events of the last week. fabulous, no? needless to say, my energies and general desire for existence are waning.

i go through peaks and troughs in dealing with the separation, and they are all very willy-nilly. one minute i can be fine with it and i can be happy that chris is moving on or whatever it is he's doing... but in the blink of an eye i will fall into a puddle of weepy on the floor and can be inconsolable for anywhere up to an hour. the conflicting emotions are tearing me apart and i'm realising now that i need to be out of this environment. chris is unwilling to help me at all (unless, of course your definition of 'help' is attempting to illicit sex or force a cuddle on me) and that's what i need. i need to be cuddled when i need it or NOT cuddled when i don't need it. i need for him to NOT buy things that he plans to use on his dates with this female whilst in my company. i need for him to NOT make me feel unwelcome in my own home when he's talking to her.

i just need love.

it seems that is hard to come by these days as all my friends are either ill, lame, 8,000 miles away or busy. i keep hearing people tell me that i have this amazing network of supportive friends, but they are nowhere to be seen. ashley and han are the only people who have consistently been in contact with me and acted genuinely worried about me (bar my danish). i just feel all alone, abandoned and generally poopy.



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