Saturday, 31 October 2009

not-so-happy halloween...

so, this is the first halloween i have ever been alone in my entire 24 years. it seems silly, but of all the holidays, this one is bothering me the most... today is the day that danie and chris would ALWAYS host the best of the parties. the day that we would decorate and prepare and hold the most extravagant of soirees.

it hit me today and i am getting a divorce and it fucking sucks.

sure, i had offers to go out tonight... i could be out getting shitfaced with some rogue acquaintances, but i didn't WANT to. halloween for me has always been about being with all the people you love the most. prior to england it was always about prancing with the kids and helping them prepare for their tricking and treat-receiving.

post-move it was always chris and me. us against the rest of the ghoulish world.

tonight, it's danie against the world... and the world feels huge. the world is winning tonight. i am tired and... and lonely.

chris is with man-face and danish is asleep and i cannae get a hold of ladonna. i rang and spoke to paige for a little while, which was glorious. when i told her i was moving back she was more than elated. i could hear her bouncing with glee.

i miss my family. i miss my family and the normalcy. now every day just feels like i am stuck in this stupid limbo where i have nowhere to go and nothing to do but bide my time until i can move back to america and get on with the rest of my life.

all of my friends here have seemingly disappeared. everyone's busy with their own lives and i am just stuck here with the weight of this stupid divorce on my shoulders. i just want it to be over and to move on with the rest of my life so i don't have to have this hanging around my neck.

i went out last night and all everyone wanted to talk about all night was the divorce. it was horrible in that aspect, but also quite nice. nice because people were willing to talk to me about it. also nice because people saw that towards the end of the evening i really needed cuddles, so they gave them to me.

i had a chat with pow pow, who didn't end up coming out. we chatted for a little while on the phone. he said that he was worried about me. said that when he got his divorce his first instinct was to contact his 'first love' and try and re-kindle those feelings, which ended in more heartbreak. he didn't want to see that happen to me. he also said that he doesn't want to see me make a decision that would result in me not living to my full potential, which was great. he wants to see me do great things and if he ever feels that i am doing something stupid, he will tell me. i told him i want him to. his opinion is one that i value a huge amount. we are going to try and have a date soon so we can talk. i haven't really had the chance to properly talk to him about all of this. i really feel like i need to talk to him and get his opinion. i really value the things he has to say and to get that validation from someone will be really good for me. i feel like... like i am making all these huge decisions and am making them alone, without thinking about anybody else but myself, which in some ways is what i need. i haven't made decisions for just danie in so long. and i feel in my heart, as a first instinct that this is perfect and just what i need. i guess i just need to bounce it off someone else and get that validation from them.

i haven't actually sat down with someone and told them about all of this. like, i HAVE spoken to pow pow about Him and me... and our history. this was ages ago. so he knows but i feel like i need to sit down with him and really get a feel for his opinion.

none of this is me saying i'm having second thoughts, because i'm totally not. i just want someone else to tell me it's right, tell me i'm not making a mistake and just acting on an impulse after ending a very long relationship. you know what i mean? i KNOW it's not an impulse, but something deep inside of me needs someone i'm really close to to tell me that this is going to be okay. that i'll be okay when all the dust has settled.


i saw my friend george last night. he saw me and immediately gave me a massive cuddle. he is one of the big ones here and i didn't realize it until tonight. when he grabbed me and cuddled me i immediately remembered what a magical person he is. he has altered my life so massively. i love him so much. i feel this intense desire just to hold everyone i love dearly here and tell them how much i love them. i feel like i have to start i now because 18 months is just NOT going to be long enough to tell some of them how important they have been to me. i just held george for ages and told him how lucky i feel to have met him. told him how much he means to me. he is such an incredible man. he's just full of this amazing spirit that resonates off of him and you can't help but want to hold him for dear life for fear that you may never be in the presence of such raw beauty again.

meh, stupid holidays. if halloween is this bad for me, what is christmas going to be like? 


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