Thursday, 29 October 2009

uncharted territory...

i received this little gem in my inbox today and can't help but feel moved and stimulated by it... 

When we are lost, we typically look at a map to figure out where we are and how to get to our chosen destination. This works well, assuming that there is a map of the territory in which we find ourselves, and assuming that we know our destination. However, this is not always the case. At this time in human history, we are all venturing into uncharted territory, whether we know it or not. And as individuals, we may find ourselves covering ground that our predecessors never even knew existed. When we look to them for guidance, they often come up short. Not knowing exactly where we are, we find ourselves unsure of which way to go, and eventually the uneasy feeling that we are lost presents itself.

The beauty of being lost is the same thing that makes it scary—it asks us to look within ourselves to find the way. If we have no map, we must go on instinct, relying on our inner compass to show us which way to go. This can be scary because so much seems to be riding on it. We fear we might go too far in the wrong direction, or become paralyzed and make no progress at all. And yet, this is the very challenge we need to develop our ability to trust ourselves. We are also learning to trust that the universe will support and guide us. We may believe this intellectually, but it is only through experience that it becomes knowledge of the heart. Learning to be okay with being lost and trusting that we will be guided, we begin our journey.

We can support ourselves by confirming that we don’t need to know exactly where we are going in order to take our first steps. We are learning to feel our own way, rather than following an established path, and in doing so we learn to trust ourselves. It is this trust that connects us to the universe and reminds us that no matter how lost we feel, and even as we journey, on the inner level we are already home. 

and it's true... at the moment i feel lost... it suddenly hit me over the last couple of days that i will be making some huge changes in my life, changes that i have some vague map of, but that are still very new to me. 

like, my thoughts are all racing about all the plans He and i have been making... wondering if they are actually going to happen and how and where and when and why and all the other 'w' questions.

it's hit me that i will be moving continents AGAIN. fucking hell. last time completely destroyed me. i think the reason it destroyed me the most was because i was coming to a new country where i knew nobody bar chris... i had no friends, no family and only the stuff i could carry in a suitcase. but in the last five years i've really made an incredible life for myself... which is good and bad. parts of me wishes that i hadn't. that i had just stayed closed-in and bashful and then i wouldn't have to worry about the heartbreak of leaving all of my most precious creatures behind again. but i didn't do that. instead i embraced my new life and have flourished into this life that is full of such magnificence and wonder that i can hardly believe i have created it myself. i have created bonds with people here that are much stronger than most of the bonds i ever created in america. i have grown with so many of the people i love over here and the thought of leaving them behind is terrifying me.

because i heart lists, i will make a list of the people i heart and why... why it will be so hard to leave them behind.
  • janey... she's always the first one that comes to mind when i think about the people it will hurt most to let go... she is so beautiful. she is someone that i have really grown close to. she  is someone i have been able to talk to about anything and she has always given me her honest opinion. she is the best friend that someone could ever  have. she has inspired me to do so many things with her beauty and creativity and freedom. i love her so much.
  • claire and mark... i have NO idea where i would be without these two. they have been so massive in the shaping of me. they welcomed me into their band and let me experience true creative freedom. i never felt free-er than when i was playing with them. they have opened me up and introduced me to so many things and people and so much music and art. they showed me how easy it was to be free in myself. to be me for nobody but ME.
  • powers... he's just, there are no words. i fell in love with him the instant i met him. i fell in love with his honesty and raw emotion and creativity. his voice and his words are so wonderful and have helped me out of some dark places. despite the fact that he can be really crap at times, he has really helped me. let me talk and has been painfully honest at times, which is what i've needed. he's helped me steer my drive to places where i NEED to be. he inspired me to want to start my baking business, he's inspired me to crochet all the things i've done and he's just... he's just this amazing creature that i can do or say anything to and he will accept me for who i am. he is an incredible boy.
  • hannah... she's helped me through so many unbelievable hard times. despite her own illness, she has remained a rock for me in my times of need. she's helped me make decisions and set things right in my head when i really didn't feel like it was possible.
  • chris... chris has altered my whole life. the sole reason i came to england in the first place, he has been the one consistent thing in my life that has turned me into the person i am. he has introduced me to so many things... so many things that i can't imagine my life without now... things i didn't know i was missing before i found them. things have have made me whole.
like, i got over the fact that i left america because i was so young and i didn't have a HUGE amount of really close friends... this became evident when all of them stopped communication with me bar a select few. but now, NOW i've grown up... i will be returning to america a completely different person. i will be returning as this person with all these memories and experiences and values that nobody there will share with me. nobody there will be able to relate to me. nobody there will be able to reminisce with me. it is so scary to think about having to leave all these things here again. to leave derby... this place that i thought was going to be my home for the rest of my life. to leave england, the place i've yearned to live since i can remember.

the last six years, aged nineteen to twenty-five are a huge defining time for most people. it is a time when they become their own... develop their careers, start families, buy houses, etc. and that is JUST what they have been for me. the last six years have moulded me into this person. this amazing, independent, happy, creative person who wouldn't exist at all the way she does had it not been for england, derby... janey, pow pow, mark, claire, vic, jaacq, lee lee, chris and so many others. i am so terrified that if i leave this, all of these people, all of the things here that have been inspiring me for the last five years, that i will just stop being me. i know it sounds stupid and i shouldn't identify myself by the people i know... but i DO, they are the reason i am who i am today. i need to know that i will still be ME even without them. that i will keep being me and i won't lose them or myself completely.

that's one of the things i'm most terrified of. losing all of these people. i know over the last five years a lot of the people i loved in america have drifted out of my life and i am so scared that i will lose all of these people. i don't want to ever have to lose them. i love them all so much.

but also, this thing i am leaving it all for, it's bigger than everything. this love is so huge that it makes me WILLING to completely dismember my life again. i swore i would never do it again. i swore that if chris and i didn't work out i was NOT going to go back because i couldn't do it to myself again. the emotional shite that i went through when i moved here was massive. there is no way to explain it. the loneliness and emptiness that i felt was like nothing i've ever felt in my life. i hate the thought of having to feel that again. and i hate the thought of having to burden Him with that. when i moved here chris had to take on a lot of my feelings and insecurities because they were just too huge for me to deal with on my own. he didn't know what to do with them though. he'd never felt anything like it. and i just really hate the thought of having to rely on Him and give Him all this shite when i'm having a bad time.

this IS going to be hard for me. this is going to be SO hard. these last five years have been so huge for me. so massive and the impact of leaving it all behind again is going to be really draining. i am so terrified that He is going to see me come back as a bit of an emotional wreck and will start hating me...

it is all so new and so scary. i hate thinking about it... 

then there's all the other things. learning to trust Him again. something that comes easier with every passing day. He is just such an amazingly beautiful person. He is so gentle and understanding. He is just... everything i need right now. He's my rock and the things i feel, this love, it is so massive. so huge sometimes that i feel like i might die because of the weight. i love Him more every single minute of every single day. He is a rock and He makes my heart swell with the most amazing ache. the ache of yearning and love and memories and... just everything. everything safe is with Him. 

He's told me i can trust Him and for the first time, tonight, i feel like i can trust Him completely, without exception. i have tried to hold on to my heart for fear of having it broken again, but tonight i have decided that i will trust Him. He made me a promise and i will put my faith in that. i will let Him help decipher this map and guide me to where i need to be, which is with Him. 


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