Tuesday, 6 October 2009

so nice, so smart

another tuesday and another week gone... it's been nearly three weeks and it feels like three years. i'm tired, worn out and feel more terrible every day. i never, ever thought that it would feel like this... like every day i was losing another part of me. today it was my will to fight. i have no energy anymore...

but i shall make a list, i need to make sure i try and keep something positive in my life... keep focusing on the small glimmers in the mud that has filled my world.

i heart...

  • talking about my problems with health professionals... work has been really supportive of the junk i've been going through and with the aim of finding better ways to support me they have referred me to the Occupational Health Department of our Trust. the referral was actually made in August, but it took that long for them to get me in... since my appointment i have gotten 'better' and then fallen apart. walking to my appointment yesterday i was pensive... unsure of what they would want to talk about and what they would suggest. after ambling around the new wings of the hospital for ages trying to find where my appointment was meant to take place i finally found it and sat down. sat and felt like everyone was staring at me... knew that i was some dishevelled creature that was likely to fall apart at any moment. i was called into the office and she was lovely. asked how my physical health was (okay), how work was (bearable) and then asked how my home life was... i paused... instantly became weepy and said that i was going to cry. i find it easier to warn people that i'm going to cry than to just burst out with it. she listened as i told her i was getting a divorce and that i felt like my life was falling apart. listened patiently as i told her my depression was worse every day and that i was thinking morbid thoughts again. listened as i told her that i had no appetite or desire to anything at all anymore. she asked how work was and i told her it was okay bar satankim. in the end she said that it wasn't going to be easy (!) but i would get through it in time and that she was pleased to see that i was still going to work. i have an appointment with my consultant monday which i am looking forward to... Miss Occupational Health said she thinks the doctor will put me on stronger anti-depressants, but that i should keep going to work and take more breaks if i need them. keep my mind occupied.
  • magnetic fields... no music in the world makes me happier than them. i literally cannot get enough of them at the moment. all i want to do constantly is listen to their lyrics and remember feeling the things their lyrics say.
  • cupcakes... again with the cupcakes! i have had an order for 100 cupcakes, paid. i was reluctant to take the offer at first but decided preoccupying my mind would be the best thing for me. i baked a batch of my finest confections sunday and marched to a pub in town to meet up with the patrons so they could try them. needless to say, they loved them, so we drew up a plan for what would come to be the 100 cakes that will be served at their wedding. i am incredibly excited to make these... they will be so beautiful... photos WILL occur AND blow your mind.
  • david sedaris... so, despite my allegiance to mister burroughs, i have now read all of his memoirs, so i was forced to read someone else's. luckily i chose someone who is fairly similar.... not GREAT, but similar. he writes very witty, fun stories that make me yearn for my own childhood again. what is it with me and gay memoirists?
  • having the bed to myself... oh yes. the best thing to come out of this divorce is the fact that i get the entire bed to myself all night, every night. granted, i do miss having a human-furnace on the particularly cold nights, but i LOVE that i can sprawl anywhere and everyone on the bed.
misc...watching people's lips move when they play guitar, stand-up comedy, watching lester sing, the smell of fireworks, the new season of Desperate Housewives!, LarryDavid, the broken family band, buckshot soup, banjos, laughing until i cry, daily OM, french accents, my ashbeast, emails from danish...

well, that's me spent... time for a date with my duvet, david sedaris and a megamix.


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