Wednesday, 24 November 2010


i have a flight that i could get on at 12:50 today... a flight that will take me back to England, Franny, cider and the life that i knew as my own just over three months ago.

i could pack a quick bag and send for my stuff later.

jump on the plane and run as far away from the things here that have turned me into this ugly, stressed, depressed creature that i have done.

i could be back in england in twenty-four hours and have all MY things and hug all MY friends and not have to worry about anything else...

except i would worry.

i would worry about Muffin and where that would leave him. i'm not completely sure how it would actually leave him as he, like Pow, seems to find it easier to joke when actually, i'm being painfully serious. i asked him several times last night how he would cope if he came home today to find me gone with my key sat on the coffee table. he joked as he snuggled under the warmth the heavy stream of water the shower was spewing at us, said he would cry for ten minutes and then get over it, move on. part of that scares me, because i believe part of that to be true. after a bit more joking he had to abruptly get out of the shower because his emotions got the better of him. as we dried i asked him what was up, what he was thinking... he said that he didn't want to lose me and that he felt like he was already losing me.

i told him the same thing i always tell him when he says this... "then make sure you don't" that's all i can say. if he doesn't want to lose me, then he needs to be the person that i need, but only if that's the person HE wants to be. he says it is... but then nothing ever comes from it. he still ends up lying, forgetting and neglecting. i blame it on all the other stuff he's going through, but it doesn't make it hurt any less... which is one of the reasons that i am even THINKING about 12:50.

the loneliness.

i'm so tired of feeling lonely. even when he's home, laid next to me in bed, i'm lonely.

i would also worry about my father. this is not something i would be saying had i typed this blog at this time yesterday... this comes completely from a phone call that i had last night. at 18:29 i dialed his number, after not having spoken to him in nearly a year. it rang and a woman answered. i asked for my father. she said that she was on the other line and who was calling. i said it was his daughter. she paused and said, "well then this is your Aunt Monica."


i didn't know i had another aunt.

she got off the other line and when she came back on the line with me she said that she couldn't believe she was hearing my voice, that the last time she saw me she was changing my diaper. she spoke to me about the holidays and her children and her husband... she had me write down her number and said that i had to call her so we could catch up and then passed me on to my father.

suddenly, i had another aunt and cousins that i never knew about.

then my father. a person i've had more missed-connections with than i have with Muffin. so many times we've emailed or called and then stopped. like a car that works only sporadically, on days that are just the right temperature and humidity. the last time we spoke i was left with an incredible empty feeling, wondering why i had even bothered, because all he did was speak about himself and... that's not my point. my point is, i spoke to him again last night.

we spoke about jobs, his new house, my smoking, my photos (which, apparently, were the main source of entertainment for him and Monica the previous night, catching up on tiny danie) and at the end of it all he said to me, "you know, sweetheart, i'm a late-night person, so tonight, maybe i'll type you up a long email telling you some things about me and asking you some questions about you and maybe you can answer them so we can try to solidify this relationship?" he said it in the form of a question and sounded nervous. i said that of course, that would be really nice.

then i told him i loved him.

i've never, in the course of my entire memory, told him that i loved him, but last night, right then, i did. i loved him for what he was... a fragile man who had lost most of the people in his life but wanted to reach out to the only one of his children that was willing to speak to him.

i would worry that if i left at 12:50 i would miss out on something special... meeting and bonding with a man who has always been a mysterious shadow in my life. a man who has been painted a demon by all the maternal side of my family, but a man that still, despite many stories, i want to SEE.

mostly, i worry that despite all the hideous, terrible things i've been feeling and thinking lately, that i would miss out on something beautiful here. i feel like there is SOMETHING here that can be moulded into something incomprehensibly stunning. something that would change my life forever and i don't want to think that because i've had a few bad thoughts, i ran away from it. i worry that i would just be running away.

i don't want to run away. i want to stay steadfast. i want to be the person Muffin needs. i want to be the daughter my father needs and i want to be the ME that i need. every one of those reasons is why i want to stay... the glitter that seems to have covered the house since i've moved in. the smiles and laughs that Muffin emits when we cuddle and the hope that possibly, maybe, this might be the time that my father actually comes through and we can make a connection.

i want connections. i want a life. i want to live.

i think that's what i'll do.



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