Sunday, 7 November 2010

my name is danie and i'm a guiltaholic

i have a problem and i'm not proud to admit it...

i feel guilty on a constant basis... like, you give me a reason  and i will most likely find a reason to feel guilty about it.

as you have all read, i overthink everything, all the time. it never stops, and one of the ugly, horrible, INCREDIBLY unwelcome neighbours of that overthinking is the guilt. so much guilt that i tend to revert into a hole in my head that stops me from expanding the way that i know i should.

like, the guilt is disgusting and comes in the shape of stupid, ugly things that make me feel guilty for feeling guilty. it makes me feel hideous and want to completely hide away until i can bare to merely glance at myself in the mirror. i KNOW it's stupid and i KNOW that it really, REALLY isn't healthy, but it's something i've been... i don't want to say trained, but that seems like the most apt word to use, to do. the relationships i had with many people were not a healthy ones a lot of the time and that has resulted in my harsh judgments of myself and the things that i manifest inside my ridiculous head.

you want a list of things i feel guilty about so you can gauge my insanity? oh goodness, please have one, maybe it'll help me release some of the stupid...

  • asking for anything, ever
  • wanting sex
  • wanting to spend extra time with anyone
  • feeling like i deserve something
  • when i cook something i don't think is JUST right
  • when i smoke
  • when i crochet something that isn't JUST right
  • wanting more kisses
  • doing something even slightly wrong but not at all detrimental to anyone's existence or wellbeing
  • listening to a song too many times if someone else can hear that i've done it
  • posting blogs about people that are even slightly negative in any way
  • having photos of  Christopher on my hard drive
  • re-hashing memories of people that don't like me anymore
  • feeling things that aren't favourable to Muffin
  • becoming emotional, at all, ever
  • when i want to watch a film that i'm in the mood for
  • talking about england
  • thinking about england
it's stupid and i can see it whilst i'm typing it, but it won't stop. i feel guilty constantly. how do YOU deal with the guilt? how should I deal with the guilt? i've no idea what to do.


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