Wednesday, 10 November 2010

could you...

no matter how may cuddles, sexytimes or amazing kisses, i will always wonder how much commitment is behind it all. i've all this before, only to have it stripped from me and to have to wait eight years to have it again.

it's not a trust issue at all, not even a little bit. i trust Muffin. it's more about me wondering how serious all of this is, anytime i bring up the marriage or kids he and i spent so many hours planning over the phone... the topics that were the basis of almost all of our conversations whilst he was in iraq, he tends to get moody and defensive, which has left me to just stifle any thoughts or feelings about it because i am sick of him being moody about something as beautiful as our future.

i feel stuck in this place full of mixed messages and general confusion.some days he's really, super, megaexcited about our future, and others... he's just, not.

day after day i get up, make his lunch, start a load of laundry and proceed with my day once he's gone with little or no certainty as to where this is leading. the random texts throughout the day make me worried that things are slipping, but i promised. i promised him this would be it, i would stand through everything. i would make him KNOW that he was loved and deserved to be loved for forever, that i would make up for all the eight years in love notes, kisses and cakes.

most of the time, when he holds me it feels... hrm. not as close. it feels lonely and like he's doing it more out of habit than anything else. the cuddles in bed have dwindled, only to be increased by a little grumble on my behalf. if i grumble, he tends to react with all he knows, and that's to hold me and tell me he doesn't want to lose me. that he feels like he's losing me.

i feel slightly similar to how i felt just before chris and i split, barring the fact that i still love Muffin like you wouldn't fucking believe. i love him and would do anything for him. and i do. i do everything for him. i cook, clean, bake, sew, lose sleep and generally wear myself to a little, tired nub, just so i can make sure that he's happy. but when does danie get to be happy? when does danie get the love notes, surprises and promises that he spent so many months making to me?

i feel taken for granted and hurt.

a lot of this, i guess, as per, comes from my endless days at home alone, which should hopefully come to an end next week or so. it comes from my thinking and thinking until the thing i am thinking about is dead from all the thinking.

i miss england.

i miss Pow.

i miss having friends HERE.

i miss cider.

i miss certainty, of which i've none. i don't know where we're going or when we're going to go there if we do. i don't know if or when we will get married, i don't know how much of what he says is to placate me, or how much of it he actually means.

i feel like i need a sweeping gesture. i feel like i need something big to prove to me that this is IT and i don't need to worry about any of this stuff.

i feel stupid, again, for feeling.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...