always an epic struggle.
always something people are getting mixed up.
always, constantly something i am personally getting mixed up.
i noticed it more these last few days than i have done before. i've found myself WANTING things but feeling like i NEED them. like i DESERVE them, which is a completely different topic.
like, i know that despite the fact that i WANT Muffin to give me a shag at least once a day, every day, i don't NEED it... it would clearly have it's health benefits, which is how i attempt to justify myself to him when i do that special little sexytime dance that i do before attempting to lure him into my lady trap. i usually ensnare him, but the times i don't, i lie there, listening to him snore, hating him secretly and briefly for not giving into one of my NEEDS that would CLEARLY be beneficial to both of us. i lie there and plot how i will make him feel terrible for missing out on such a magical event... how i will wait it out until HE comes to ME... now, clearly, this is me getting into some other relationship issues that really, aren't even an issue. our bed gets lots of action, but i am terrified of the day that i will fall out of love with sex again, like i did with Christopher. it happened with him and i've no idea how, but i worry a lapse in a day would accelerate that process that i really, absolutely do not want to even begin. so sex, that's a want... not a need. i've rationalized that now and i've come to terms with it.
other things... things i spend my days feeling like i NEED and DESERVE because of the things that i do... i feel like because i do all these things around the house, the tidying, cooking, food shopping, taking care of the dog, i should get presents... like i need positive reinforcement, which in some ways, i guess i do. i am still very much like a child in that i NEED that positive reinforcement to make me want to continue doing the things i do... and all i really ask for in return are fags or colas or other misc things... not big things, but just things, presents, like the stars you would get on your chart in primary school for doing a good job. it's a problem i've had since forever. i've always felt like i DESERVED to have special treats for being a good girl and getting things done... it works in some cases and i feel like for this, it's a bit of a toss up. like, i don't NEED colas or cast iron pots or computer games, but they sure to help me feel like i've done something good enough to deserve it so i should most likely keep doing it... so perhaps that's a difficult one.
i've been thinking today about all the things though, the things that i actually NEED.
this thinking comes after many hissy fits and guilt trips that i am not proud of that have born me many gifts that perhaps i didn't deserve.
this thinking comes after a Thanksgiving where i have seen people with less than me who were seemingly okay.
at the end of all the thinking, all i could come up with came to me at 1648 as i laid in bed with Muffin before he had to get up for his shift. i was laid there imagining what my life would be like without him... without days like today. today has been an amazingly magical day that has filled the house with lots of laughter and music. it's a day that's made all the other bad days disappear.
i was laid there, watching his sleepytime face as Juno McGuff gave birth on the screen behind me, watching his face and realizing that him, the beautiful thing that he and i have, that's all i actually NEED. he makes everything bad go away. he makes everything feel so beautifully okay and i don't know that i will ever find someone that makes things feel as perfect as he does. even our worst days aren't as bad as some of the merely okay days that i had with Christopher.
he's brought something incredibly special out in me and i need him. i need to make everything with myself and him right so that this, us, we can work even more perfectly together than we already do.
so, Muffin, i heart you, and i know you're reading this... just know that you, you're all i need. i need you and i need your love.
thank you.
