Saturday, 7 September 2013

Lying vs Honesty...


So let me tell you about how some people just shouldn't lie.

Some people shouldn't lie because when they do, they tend to get caught and when they DO get caught, things won't end well. Things get questionable for a while, everyone feels uneasy and then the hideousness starts.

Some people shouldn't lie because it's inherently bad and makes them look like a fucking jackass when they are caught out.

Some people shouldn't lie because it defames the character of other people AND of themselves. It makes them seem petty, hateful and ignorant.

But some people can't stop themselves from lying.

I've found that most people who DO make it a hobby to lie tend to do it for countless reasons... Maybe they've done something that they know they shouldn't have done and don't want to get caught. Maybe they are planning to do something that they shouldn't be doing and don't want to get caught. Maybe they're just bored and need a little jazz in their lives... No matter why those shitty little truth-omissions are offered, it's usually because they're fearful of losing something (a friend, a lover, control, etc...). It seems like a perfectly rational thing to do and I get it. I've lied a pretty respectable amount of times in my life (respectable, that is, if you can find someone that bases their respect for a person on how much they can twist the truth). I've done things I've been ashamed of, broken things, lost things, accidentally eaten something that wasn't mine and I've hidden from it. I've put on an overly confident face and pretended like nothing happened in hopes that nobody would notice and everything would remain just as how it had always been.

And you know what? That never, ever works out. Someone always finds out and until they do, you have to continue a wild spiral of lies that has the means of getting completely out of control. Lies you have to keep up with. Lies that can destroy relationships and shake people's faith in you. Lies that just usually don't make any goddamned sense.

It was only after countless whacks to the face or broken friendships that I decided it just wasn't worth it. I literally made a conscious decision to stop lying and live as honest a life as I possibly could. If you were to ask any one person who knows me what motto I live by they would tell you that there are two, "Secrets don't make friends" and "Liars don't make friends." I've been uttering those two sentences pretty consistently for damn near over half of my life and I am reasonably confident that I've generated a safe, honest circle of existence that I am constantly striving to maintain.

Clearly there's a reason this topic has come up... the most recent very blatant liar in OUR life has taken up lying out of what I can only imagine is desperation, fear and anger. She is in the middle of possibly losing some control and in response, has started lying AND has also elicited the assistance of her own mother to chime in with her OWN batch of lying lies.

It's a mess and I am daily racking my brains to try and understand how in god's name someone could rationalize literally filling a court statement full of lies. And not just the kind of lies that can be explained away or understandable, but actual, there's no explanation at all to justify them, lies. Lies that we've got like five people to disprove. Lies that are just plain hurtful and completely infuriating.

I have to say, one of the things that being a step-parent has taught me is how to hone patience... and not patience for the things you'd expect like the kids and messes, but for their crazy mums. These women have been trying my patience, each in their own magical way, pretty regularly since Muffin and I got married. There are things that you just don't even expect to have to deal with. Things that one would think a normal, rational person wouldn't even think to inflict upon someone else. Things like lying.

Let me expand...

Muffin and I are about to go to court for the fourth time. Not because we're crazy or angry or trying to be evil, but because Muffin would like to have more of a say in his daughter's life. Unfortunately, Molly's mum has been pretty difficult intermittently for the last three years. I've literally been banned from speaking to her about five times (one of those times was for asking which Girl Scout Troop my step-daughter was in so we could support her and buy some cookies from her. Apparently, that's not information it is appropriate for me to ask for. Apparently. I mean it SEEMS rational to stop talking to someone because they want to support their step-child, right?!) and am in the middle of a ban right now... for an actual reasonable reason this time, I guess.

Anyways, Molly's mum (who we'll call BJ, because I'm SUPER into the show Reba right now and the woman in HER life that causes her the most stress is called BJ)  is genuinely a really wonderful person who I totally enjoy talking to but when she gets into one of her moods, things get a little alarming and everyone involved in any way has to walk on eggshells until she's gotten over herself. Which I get, you know? I understand that after so long it's hard to give up control. I understand that Muffin hurt her when they were married and it's hard to let go. I get that. And you wanna know WHY I get that? Because I'm not fucking crazy. I have got the ability to step outside of a situation, engage rational thought and consider others and how certain things can affect other people. I can feel for her and  I really do appreciate that there are relevant reasons for her acting out. I don't condone them, but I get it.

I get angry phone calls. I get sassy posts on Pinterest. I get being afraid of losing control and hiring a lawyer to fight a battle that could have just as easily been settled over the phone in an afternoon.

You know what I don't get though? I don't get saying hateful things in front of your kids. I don't get restricting access. More than anything I don't get lying. And like I said, not just little lies to slightly cover your ass, but actual, there's-proof-to-the-contrary lies.

She's started lying a lot. About things she can't even possibly know about. And it's infuriating because we've done nothing but try. We've been trying to be honest (like it's THAT hard), forthcoming and reasonable. We're not hateful, we don't hold people emotionally hostage and we aren't trying to defame anybody's character. We're trying to make sure Muffin has a say in his daughter's life.  I just don't understand all of this.

The worst part? She refuses to even acknowledge Muffin as Molly's dad... I stumbled across some photos that were taken of Molly and her little, adorable brother...The photographer's website offers a very fabulous stab in the heart in the shape of saying that Molly's step-dad is actually her daddy. Do you have ANY idea how much that fucking kills Muffin? Any at all?! It's just little things that are goddamned daggers in the heart and it makes me furious for Muffin and for Molly. All BJ cares about is alienating Dane from Molly's life and it breaks my heart.

The other thing I just don't understand? How can someone just indiscriminately try to ruin someone's life? Literally rain waves and waves of shit onto someone with no care about how this shit is falling and piling up. The stress that I am under right now is indescribable. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't do a goddamn thing right now. All I want to do is cry for all the overwhelming weight that all of this shit is made of. She has no idea at all, or maybe she does, which only leads me to understand she doesn't care.

We're not actively TRYING to ruin anybody's life. We're trying to enrich a little girl's life by offering her a loving and happy relationship with her father. Instead, though, this entire thing has been turned into what BJ believes is a personal vendetta against her and her family. She literally believes that we're trying to ruin her life.

It's just insanity. Why can't people just be sane? Why can't I just email BJ and apologize and try to start another healthy relationship from scratch? Because she's become so involved in her lies that she actually believes that I am part of this evil duo who's only goal in life is to destroy her life. I have countless emails from her, telling me that she hopes that me being with Muffin helps him to become a more responsible father... well, here we are! Where's you're relief from those hopes coming true, BJ?

Just please, if you are in the middle of custody bullshit or just having a hard time with your blended family, take a moment to think about the things you are doing and how they are affecting other people. It's hard. It's hard for everyone. I mean, I'm sure BJ is struggling and questioning herself a lot. I know Muffin is in pieces a lot. It's a hard time for everyone and I really just wish everyone could take a step back and realize how much easier all of this could be, because it really could be.


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