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YAY! Tuesday! It's been a pretty horrific week for me. I got ANOTHER abscess on my leg, which is a delight. That also means that I get to go see a dermatologist because of the concern surrounding my leg's incessant need to become infected. I'm tired of it and want to die. To top it all off, in the middle of being ill and infected, I got the joy of having a tooth extracted. The first of three. So my week has pretty much just involved me laying in bed dying and on painkillers.

On a good note, I've gotten a TON of reading done and also have started watching Desperate Housewives again, which is my favourite.

Anyway, I've got some schoolwork to do, so I'll get this list done now so I can finish what I need to finish and THEN finish the Catching Fire (WHICH, OMG!!!)

stomping in slush
down pillows
crocheting adorable things... and good GOD have I been churning lots of cutesy things out! I have a friend who is a photographer who asked me if I would be willing to crochet her a bunch of adorable baby costumes for newborn shoots and so I've been creating cowboys, mermaids, snails, ballerinas, bunnies, and lots of other fabulous things to delight new parents who bring their gorgeous offspring to her. In the midst of doing these, I decided to make some things for all the new mommies that I have in my life too, which has been nice. Because every new mommy deserves something nice for their baby.
being the bigger person... and not just because I am fat. I mean, there's that too. But also because I have the capacity for forgiveness and kindness, despite horrible things being said and done to me. I have the ability to love limitless amounts and rise above hideous words and actions in order to bridge gaps and try to make sure people know that they are worthwhile and loved. I don't do it for my own pleasure or to get a rise out of people, but just as a means of reaching out and being kind. Because my mommy raised me right. : )
Ron Perlman... WOOH DOGGIE! A man I love so much and have such a blind affection for that, whilst walking around Costco a week ago, I caught a glimpse of his glorious face on the cover of a magazine. I immediately purchased the magazine, only to find that the content of said magazine was entirely about cigars. A topic I literally have not a single ounce of interest for. Except for the fact that my gorgeous Ronny smokes them and looks damn fine whilst doing it! So now I have a nine dollar magazine on my coffee table that I will never, under any circumstances read, but instead just glance at with a drooly mouth from time to time.
American Horror Story... GOOD. LORD. Our friend had been talking about this show pretty obsessively for the last month or two, and since I was finished with Breaking Bad, The Walking Dead and everything else in the world, I decided to give it a try. That try literally turned into me immediately falling in love with the show and watching every single episode of its three seasons in four days. FOUR. DAYS. Let me break it down for you... Season one... Meh. It's alright. Great wardrobe, amazing soundtrack, and interesting storyline. But it's quite hard to follow. Season three... Please, for the love of god, don't watch this season first and expect it to be the standard for all the other seasons. It is horrible and boring and I hated it. Season two... It literally changed my life. This season blew my goddamned mind. I have always been fascinated with old asylums and that storyline combined with all the other storylines made this season incredible. It wasn't too convoluted and kept me completely engaged the entire season. GO SEE THIS NOW!
Zachary Quinto... what a gorgeous, beautiful man.
we taught Sebass to show us his belly... and it's pretty much the cutest thing in the entire world.
the sound of gigantic raindrops hitting windows
the howling of an elevator ascending and descending
MY BFF IS BACK ON PINTEREST... which I couldn't be happier about, even if I wanted to be. She is my favourite person in the world and I love having her back on there!
Ron Funches
PowerPoint
Brett Gelman
my sister calls people "panty waste"... there is not a single thing about my sister that isn't glorious. She is so, wildly hilarious that I can't help but laugh hysterically through our entire conversations. She is so much fun and when she refers to people as panty waste, I can't help but love her even more.
Rob Delaney
rice pudding
At Midnight... so, you'll notice there's a TON of comedians on here and that's because we've recently discovered the show At Midnight. This show is so, SO funny! We love every moment of it and can't wait until the next time it's on.
Polish hot dogs from Costco
Michelle Obama... I want to be her BFF so much. Since Jimmy Fallon started his new show, she's had a lot of videos pop up of her with Will Ferrel and Jimmy that have solidified my wish to be her BFF. She is such a hilarious person and I just want to chat with her and give her hugs.
HUNGER GAMES... so I became obsessed with the movies after being forced to watch the first two one right after the other in November. I was SO upset after finishing Catching Fire that I had no choice but to start reading the books so that I could find out what happens in the end. Because there is NO WAY IN HELL that I am going to wait a YEAR to find out HALF of what happens in the third book. So I am in the middle of Catching Fire right now, and then I will quickly get myself through the last one and be happy with my life.
deer meat... Muffin was given a whole heap of deer meat last week and so we've been eating like royalty! I made a gorgeous goulash with some deer mince and then a beautiful steak dinner with some cuts we had. SO. YUMMY.
tomato juice
drawing... which I've been doing a lot of in the last week or two. Please see some of my drawings!

 

Alright guys! Have a great week and know that there is an extra-special blog coming up shortly. It'll be an interesting one.

a gentle kind of cruelty...

 

i've been feeling. 

i was reading. 

my general day-to-day has been empty. i've no desire to do anything or see anyone. my depression has reached an ugly, hideous place that is not all too welcome. it's slumped me with the burden of pain, paranoia and discontent. 

primarily, i move on auto-pilot. my actions are those that i know should be taking place, ones that make me look normal and sane and "okay." i do the laundry, cook, blog and smile wearing a mask that helps people to believe that i'm okay, just slightly sad. in this fantasy world i have created i am FINE. there's no problems to talk about and at the end of every day, i am FINE (a word that treatment trained me to associate almost nearly as a curse word purely because it is typically used by individuals only to placate any possible concerned passers-by. a word who's acronym tends to explain that the said "FINE" individual is actually one of four not actually FINE things: Fucked-up, Insecure, Neurotic or Emotional)

in reality, i hurt. god i hurt. but only on good days do i hurt, most days, i don't feel. i seem to have lost the ability to feel mostly anything. it's almost as though someone came and took everything out of me. my thoughts, hopes, dreams and desires. i just feel like an empty husk of nothing.

i went through all this same crappy-crap when i moved to england... no friends, no family, no job, nothing. i literally feel like i have nothing anymore. nothing to aspire to, nothing to push for, nothing to get excited about. alone and finding myself writing ideas for blogs but not actually finding the energy to sit down and write them.

the other night i was reading an article about an artist by the name of Ray Caesar in a magazine called Hi Fructose. there was one single piece of his art that took my breath away and in the middle of reading his words i had to stop because it hurt. his words touched me a little too hard in a place just far too sensitive for me to cope with. i have to admit that it felt nice to feel, but the feelings, they virtually murdered my tiny, fragile emotions. he discussed his psychological disorders, some of which i also have and he discussed the way that he feels when forced to deal with his past and emotions by way of creating art, which very boldly paralleled with myself and my writing.

and i relay his words... 

"a disorder helps you through childhood but can cause great difficulty as an adult. i must say that making pictures is one thing that has helped me cope and brings all aspects of my personality into play. 

making art is so difficult as well as healing and joyful that we/i need all of us in order to make it. the very act of making pictures for me is a form of compartmentalization that allows me to deal with overwhelming emotions and memories. i create a window into a peaceful world where the 'emotion' or the fragile part of me is protected... i make something gentle but also something that shows a dark side to it and strength. think of my pictures as a sanctuary where one can take out a small piece of pain and allow it to be free -  a place to confront that pain and even care for it. a protected place of color and happiness much like a christmas morning  for a child who is allowed to open the difficult gifts he or she has been given in life. 

it's a double edged sword for me that my pictures are so public as there is a part of me that would rather deal with all this in privacy but my pictures are also who i am in so many ways that i have to wear my life on the walls of a gallery or in the internet...i suppose art for me is that process in which we bear our inner most feelings, trouble and pain; happiness and joy... it's an important form of communication and that is more important than my need for privacy.

(in discussing the above painting, "Revelation") the Sailor is my own kind of metaphor for a traveler or one that explores... she is in a fog; something i have been in for most of my adult life. the light is that sudden knowledge... that overwhelming piece of the pizzle that explains so much, that confrontation with the astonishment that takes you to a new level of understanding. 

most astonishing about these periods of foggy missing time or periods of wasted time is that it felt as if some other thing had taken me over. a realization of having not one but several personalities so i could see and feel them when they appeared, usually in a moment of stress. 

i am then more effectively able to use these diferent parts of myself and that to me is a "Revelation," like living in a fog for many years and suddenly finding you are more than the sum of your parts. 

i think everyone has aspects of what we call "disorders." we all get depressed or manic or compulsive but some of us have such things magnified, sometimes to the power of 10 and others to the power of 100. i think we all have some parts of ourselves we know better than other parts of ourselves. all i do know is art is a great way to sail the seas of the subconscious mind and make a map of that strange world. my work is the map of my mind."

and now, i am here today, feeling raw and emotionless. reading his words helped me to at least find the direction that i need to be going in, but i have no idea how to get there. i have no idea how to turn the lights on and i'm mortified to do it alone. 

i feel as though i've no choice though, seeing as my stupid emotions and mood swings have shunted everyone else out of my way, leaving me feeling like a child who's thrown a giant tantrum and was left alone to deal with it on their own as a means of self-soothing. 

right now, i just want to be held. i am so terrified that all of my pieces are falling apart and i just want someone to hold me and make sure i don't lose myself. 

last night i held Muffin and was terrified to let him go. i held him and he kept attempting to escape but i just pushed my face into his chest harder to stop him from leaving me and seeing my tears. i don't want to lose him, i don't want to lose myself. i am so terrified that he will see me as this broken thing and not want to wait around until i put myself back together again. i just want someone to hold me. make me feel okay. i don't want words, i don't want eye contact, just a cuddle.

eh. i don't know why i've posted this. consume it how you will.