Friday, 12 October 2012
so... after nearly ten years out of school i'm back at it and i'm at a loss. it seems as though i had literally forgotten what it was like to go to classes every day and learn in a regimented environment.
for the last several months i've literally been sitting around the house doing whatever i wanted whenever i wanted. i've been hanging out with the dog, baking, painting, crocheting and sleeping at all hours of the day and doing little else. living a little life that didn't entirely fulfill me, but always left me with enough sleep and homemade crap to make me feel slightly satisfied and maybe even a tiny bit agoraphobic. i had developed this sense of security that only the comfort of my image-covered walls and homemade blankets could offer. i had lost virtually any desire to leave the house, not because i was lazy, but because i had fallen into the fabulous state of depression that i have told all of you about ever-so-many times.
now, though... i have a schedule. a rather serious one at that. leaving me responsible for a lot of stuff, but namely, my own future... i've never had so much pressure. never so much riding on my daily activities. i've got a class in the morning and class every night... a class that lasts nearly seven hours.
my first day of school was ridiculous. generally getting used to having to listen to people again... i have teachers that expect very little less from me now, as an adult, than they did twenty years ago, when i was seven (TWENTY YEARS AGO?!?! OH HEY! I'M FUCKING OLD!). i proudly pranced into class two weeks ago expecting the scenario to be more adult, but it literally almost feels as though my fourth grade teacher, Mr Duran, expected more of me than my current teachers do.
i am alarmed (but also slightly NOT alarmed) by how little the educational staff trust us. the first four days at school were literally comprised of teachers telling everyone over and over again how and where to get really basic things like their books (THE SCHOOL BOOKSTORE), financial aid (THE FINANCIAL AID OFFICE) and student IDs (which every student was emailed about two weeks prior to school starting, stating hours of availability and rates (see: FREE) for ease of picking up our identification PRIOR to school starting. please know that i followed the rules and got all my shit prior to school starting, mostly because i didn't want to waste my fucking time!). i am not even kidding when i tell you that non-stop, every single day for the first week, my teachers were re-explaining how to do the most ridiculously menial things that really, everyone should have had the foresight to have taken care of PRIOR to school starting.
the teachers actually make it seem like we are retarded and can't be expected to do anything on our own. i HATE that. i hate that teachers are forced to sweep everyone together under the heading of "stupid, un-independent" because of the many people who can't seem to function without the help of their parents.
maybe right now would be the best time for me to say that i am at least five years older than literally everyone in my class, which doesn't SEEM like a lot until you realize that here in America, the vast amount of twenty-two year-olds could pretty much be classed as mentally handicapped. they act like toddlers that need to be prompted to do everything and can't so much as go to the toilet or eat something without having to gain approval from at least ONE person either via mobile or in person.
most of the people in my class are made exclusively of a special brand of horrible and they make me want to die. not a day passes that i am not floored by some stupid comment, action or piece of insight that is inflicted upon me by one of my fellow classmates.
every single class is pretty much just a constant pissing contest, which is fun (and by "fun," i mean the worst thing in the world). literally ANY time a new topic comes up (a disease, hair condition, skin disorder, etc), someone will ALWAYS chime in with some, "OMG THIS STORY IS SO CRAZY, LISTEN TO ME," bunch of word vomit, only to be followed by someone ELSE with another story, presumably offered to try and one-up the previous storyteller and also because they love hearing their own voice.
lessons take forever because we have to follow the same old stupid script of one-upping and stupid questions. i desperately want to just learn and not have to fuck around with a bunch of idiots who keep asking questions that either have already been answered or are set to be answered in the next several weeks according to the established rubric (seriously, my BIGGEST pet peeve right now is the fact that we are forced to waste SO MUCH time talking about future lessons RIGHT NOW because people can't wait until the scheduled lessons to learn about shit we're not even equipped to deal with right now).
i've made a couple of friends in class... literally, two. and they are fabulous.
the other ten people in class make me want to die, each in their own special way. i am sure i'll end up going into all the details about how and why my classmates make me want to die, so i'll leave it for now.
the very worst part?! our house. i feel like i am going insane because i rarely see things getting done when i am out of the house (except, of course Muffin advancing further on one of his stupid video games or learning a new song on his guitar. thank GOD these things get done! what would we do otherwise?!). virtually no tidying gets done whilst i am out of the house, the list of things that need doing around the house just gets longer. the kitchen is a trainwreck and...
sigh. i'm overwhelmed. i don't even know how to advance this aspect of this blog. my anti-dsepressants ran out, Muffin's been acting like a giant asshole lately and i feel like i'm losing my fucking mind.
i shouldn't have to be SO pissed off every single day when i get out of school only to have my rage fueled when i get home and see nothing has gotten done except for Muffin's spot having been warmed on the sofa. i get so tired during the week with the late hours at school and wish, just sometimes, that i could use my weekends for ME. to recharge and enjoy my time, but nine times out of ten, i have to spend most of my weekend tidying up the shit that hasn't been done during the week.
bleh. school starts soon, so i need to pull my life together and get to the financial aid office to sort out getting my loan paid to me.