Thursday, 26 May 2011

divorce day 616

and this entry WILL contain spoilers! BEWARE!

and even after all this time, i find it hard occasionally. something with strike an emotional chord or, on the rare occasion, i wake up some mornings with little tiny daggers in my chest after a night filled with unwanted dreams.

the recent emotional blah came as a result of Desperate Housewives, the OTHER love of my life. 

the initial excitement started on a saturday. adverts prepared thrilled viewers for the two hour season finale... it promised a murder, a breakup and a tasty new dish (not like, a meal, but a hunk of man. a meal wouldn't have gone amiss though.). i spent each day riding up to the finale on pins and needles, roping Muffin into conversations he was absolutely not even a little bit interested in (ps. ANOTHER reason he's the love of my life? despite his complete lack of interest in DH, he will listen and feign flabbergasted interest with exaggerated responses and gasps.) circulating mostly around WHO could possibly break up in this, the final episode of the season. he listened to me explain the relationships between all the main couples, their highs and lows throughout the last seven episodes, rationalizing why they should all stay with their prospective other halves.

when sunday finally arrived and the familiar tune started Muffin was in his "beat lab" recording a song. i nestled into the sofa with some cookie dough (and can i just stop right here and now and scold myself publicly for not ever eating cookie dough as a snack before about two weeks ago? i kinda hate that i missed out on over twenty-six years of what can only be described as edible heaven.) and a hot cup of creamy tea and prepared myself for my last date with my four favourite televisual bffs for the next four months or so.

during the course of the episode i laughed when we were due to laugh, tensed where tension was expected and swooned at all the arranged times.

and then... then my heart broke, presumably just as the writers had anticipated certain viewer's previously-broken hearts would. every single agonizing moment of the finale's telling of Lynette and Tom's separation made my chest and head heavier and heavier. the show's composers seemed to have known very clearly what exactly it would take to completely dissect every tiny little emotion that i went through during the course of my own personal separation.

from the initial before-the-decision - when Lynette and Tom took part in activities with friends pretending nothing was happening. heavens knows we tried so terribly to make everything work OUTSIDE of the home... we went out for drinks at the pub, attended birthday parties and put on the faces of a couple who, whilst not completely rock-solid, were going to be okay. we hugged at all the times that social customs have said it would be appropriate and refrained from arguing as much as we could until the ever-so-special walks home started, when everything became arduous and generally too much to handle. every detail of their before was somehow paralleled to ours. the fact that they didn't talk about the giant elephant in the room, lest it became riled and ruined the very precariously-situated emotional china that barely covered the ruined remains of a house that had seen countless emotional catastrophes took me straight back to two years ago when our days had become painstakingly constructed around avoiding potential explosive topics.

to Tom's packed suitcase - left by the door JUST IN CASE. it was a horrible reminder of Christopher's long nights out with his trusty green satchel. that satchel always waiting by the door of his bedroom or the hallway, filled with all the things he needed to be away from the house and away from us. the green satchel was his safety, his place to store his books, bike things, snacks and aftershave. every single time i saw that satchel i ached, knowing that i wasn't strong enough to leave, to spend nights away from my bed and the safety of the memories we'd spent so long creating. i needed them near me so i could very slowly make them manageable enough to leave behind and move away from. i hated Tom in those moments because it reminded me of how much i hated Christopher for making it seem so effortless to forget that we had been together for so long and it was over. i could feel the same exact disbelief and betrayal Lynette felt those first moments when he said he wasn't going to unpack his suitcase because i had been there, i KNEW how deep those words cut and i still carry some of the more awful scars.

to the end - when Lynette spoke of her afternoon away from Tom when she thought he had left, only to find he had gone to the supermarket. the entire time she was speaking, with every single word, i knew what she was feeling and when she let out an exasperated sigh i recited the same word in my mind that she said aloud, and that was "RELIEF." the solace i felt even in the most painful moments JUST after we decided to stop were comparable to nothing. after all the months spent agonizing over such a painful relationship and situation, most of my most favourite time was just after we split up and i could go outside and experience my life with a completely new and clear head... no arguments, no insecurity, just me and the new world on our own together. those days were always the most special for me. they allowed me to learn a lot about my own personal strength and develop an entirely new sense of the world around me. i understand the relief and appreciate more than anything how much of it i was granted in those first several weeks.

and like that, i was left curled in a ball with my tear-soaked blanket and a spoon. it was only after the credits finished rolling that i realized how hard i'd been crying from the pain in my chest to the moisture in the blanket. the pain is sometimes still so great. i wonder about him and quietly hope that he's found everything he wanted. i still wonder so many things, but i worry there's just a lot of questions still that will have to be left unanswered.

either way, i'm glad for all my experiences... our experiences. they've helped me become who i am today and that person is someone more capable of self-love and tenderness than before. for that, i am mostly grateful.

but also for Desperate Housewives.


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