Everything’s jamming… and not in a Bob Marley sort of way…

No. I am not good this week, for many reasons, most of which I am finding it hard to put my finger on specifically. 

I SHOULD be happy… a great deal of fabulous things have taken place in my little life in the last week that could possibly be glorious enough to make a rich man happy, but no… I am hard to please with all my stress and blargh. 

Yesterday afternoon I arrived home after several days in London (but it was my last trip to London before I leave, adding a great amount of doom and gloom to every corner we turned and piece of siu mai that I ate.). I had spent the previous four days in a state of almost constant laugh with janeyface as we went on adventure after adventure. 

The adventures began on Thursday evening when I arrived after having been journeying on the train in First Class accommodation. I decided to treat myself since it was my last trip to London for a long while and since it was totally only a fiver. I minced into train car “G” in my jeggings, lemon-yellow Dr Martins and gingham cowboy shirt with a giant smile on my face. I am generally friendly to everyone and was especially friendly to the lady that was sat across from my designated seat. She immediately judged me, presumably because of my tattoos and amazinghair… without a second’s hesitation I became Vivian Ward from “Pretty Woman” and she became the shopkeeper (who I shall name, for the purposes of this blog, Katrisha). i went about my business… I sat proudly in my extra-roomy seat and pulled out my crocheting and tub of blueberries and strawberries. I began working on my latest project whilst Katrisha sat across from me pretending not to judge me. She kept her head directed towards her HR Service Level Agreement but kept sweeping her gaze across me and no doubt wondering why National Rail would allow scum like me to sit in the first car when it was CLEARLY only for high-powered business people and high-class prostitutes (Katrisha was the former, but COULD have been the latter, were she about twenty years younger). As the ticket inspector shuffled up the aisle to make sure there were no intruders she began to trundle in her seat, no doubt excited beyond belief to witness the forcible removal of me from the car after I was dramatically unveiled as the holder of an economy ticket instead. I passed my ticket to the gentleman and he glanced at it for a moment, Katrisha stared at him with relentless intent, desperate to hear him announce loudly to the entire car that I was NOT to be sat there and could I please move and that I needed to quiet down or he would call for backup (because clearly, all ticket inspectors have a stock of backup inspectors for the particularly rambunctious passenger who is insistent on staying put). The inspector looked at my ticket, smiled at me and stamped it before handing it back to me. Katrisha was instantly deflated, you could see that. The remainder of my journey was spent being watched by Katrisha and a very mature gentleman who spent the first half of the ride swapping between seats, falling over and crying. They both watched me intently as I crocheted… I am certain the gentleman wanted to talk to me which is why he stared at me so incessantly, but I was uninterested and therefore ignored him. 

Anyways, talk about being side-tracked! 

So I went to London and janey and I participated in a great deal of activities and funtimes… it wasn’t until my last day that it really hit me that every single thing that I did whilst I was there would be my last. Each shopkeeper that I had become so familiar with over the years, each street name I had studied so as to navigate on my own seemed to all be in vain, as I would not be returning to Hackney ever again. 

Alas, we played like we’d never played before. Thursday we drank, made friends with some random ethnics, drank more and slept nude for some reason. Friday we went to Dim Sum, pranced in Chinatown and went home to craft and watch a crap-ton of films. Saturday we went to Walthamstowe (see below) and then to Brixton (also see below) for a Caribbean meal. Sunday was Hackney Farm (ALSO see below), a long walk to a taxidermy and surgical tool shop and home for tattooing and Father Ted. It was a glorious weekend and I couldn’t have imagined a better last trip to London. I love janey and I love our adventures. 

I came home with slight hesitation but a bounty of gifts for Graham and Pow. Prior to my leaving I had a conversation with Graham about his skin colour and the fact that I thought a red shirt would really suit him. He advised that he had no red shirts and demanded I get him one during my trip to London, but stipulated it could cost no more than £3. I did this times two and he was pleased with his bounty of gifts (see “Dexter” below). I brought Pow a pair of surgical scissor-type things for Johnny and three seashell animals for our shelf… he had been quite emo as of late and after a long, drunk texting marathon with him on Thursday I was feeling quite sick at the thought of facing him. Things felt odd and mechanical between us, so I hugged him and went to the pub. A series of events took place that left me feeling quite dejected and left me questioning the foundations our friendship is based on and now I am left here, this afternoon wondering what it will be like when I see him later today. 

This wondering comes after a series of incredibly aggressive texts and curt replies from him. he’s never been like this with me and I hate it. I just want to hold him and will both of our achey, stressy awful away but I don’t feel like he’ll let me do that. I am terribly pensive about going home this evening for fear of what is in store for me… I guess all I can do is hold my breath when I open the door and expect the worst and take whatever’s coming to me. 

So… there we are. my week in a nutshell… I feel like our photocopier, jamming-up every few minutes with all the junk that is being put through me. I’m feeling so fragile at the moment that if I were to even be bumped too hard by a passing pedestrian, I would most likely fall to pieces…

here, have a list.


Inception
Cillian Murphy… PHWOAR!!
watching pen ink dry
stand-up comedy 
my cupcake tattoo… for the amount of times I have been asked if it is real or how it looks so perfect, I love it. From the handles of the scissors to the bottom of the lowest pink splodge, I love my almost-newest tattoo. Not just the tattoo though, but the entire session as well. I love Thomas and I love getting work done by him. We spent the whole time listening to Eminem’s new album and talking about his new procurement of the shop. It was a wonderfully perfect day and it is a wonderfully perfect tattoo.
being sung to… Graham sings to me almost every time we are together and I love that… I love it when he grabs his guitar and starts to strum one of the special emo chords that make my heart want to burst. When Graham isn’t singing to me then Pow is and my favourite is hearing him sing. He sings random silly things to me that I try to memorize so I can take them with me to america, but there’s no way I could ever remember every one of those details. Sigh.
Pow smell
contemplating band names
dogs carrying newspapers
Janey… a janeyblog coming this week, keep your eyeballs peeled.  

Dexter… it was last Wednesday evening. I was sat on the sofa with Graham and watching Zoo TV, singing along to one of Bono’s many hits and ostracizing his trousers every chance I got, whilst I was doing this my fingers were wrapped with brown and orange wool, working on a fox for Chris Tree. Graham watched me for a short time before asking me if I would make him something. Ever-looking for an excuse to not work on the fox I said yes. He asked me if I would make him a Dexter… I asked what a Dexter was and he told me that he was a 2-d cartoon he had created a while back that is used for many little sketches he does. I said yes and that was when the project planning meetings began. We had three that night and by Sunday Dexter was complete. Monday afternoon I pranced out to the back garden with Dexter in hand and asked Graham if he wanted to see him. He nodded and I passed him over. Pow took photos of Graham’s tiny, happy face the instant he received Dexter, but I have no idea where they are… it was the most beautiful little face you could have ever imagined. He beamed like a new parent and snuggled Dexter to his chest immediately. He said he was perfect and hugged me. those are the moments that I live for… the ones that allow me to hand over something someone has been wanting and see how their faces react. It’s a beautiful thing to know that I am able to do that to people… make their faces light up so big. Dexter is one item I am particularly proud of making… probably in the top five.
self-heating face masks 

Hackney Farm… by far my favourite farm that I have ever been to. It’s so, so tiny but also so perfect. it’s got a ridiculous amount of chickens (the ones that wear trousers), a small mammal area (with guinea pigs and rabbits), goats, cows, a donkey, sheep and PIGS!! The most recent daytrip to the farm allowed me to see the two ginger beasts who have no names… I call them Danie and Janey as they remind me of us (lying around being flatulent and kicking one another). I remember when I very first went to the farm almost three years ago. Those two ginger ladies were so tiny compared to their massive size now. I always go to them first and pat their bellies with force, talking to them in a squealy voice before being startled by a chicken or lured by the other pig… the biggest of them all… she’s beautiful and I love her. I love farms and I love Hackney Farm most.   
Kimya Dawson 

Graham Williams… he is just SUCH a special creature and I hate that I only just met him. most nights we stay up on the Book of Face or on our mobiles, messaging back and forth about the news, music or racist things (I must point out here that I am NOT actually a racist, I just find the words and entire concept hysterical). Yesterday whilst I was on my way to the shop I asked if he wanted anything from the shop and he offered me a list consisting of one fizzy pop that is neither light nor dark, one sweet that had been dipped in something and one packet of crisps that are crunchy. He stipulated NONE of the packaging could have red on them and spouted off a number of other things that I didn’t pay attention to because I was attempting to memorize the moment. He is just literally the funniest, most fabulous person I’ve ever met in my life and I love spending time with him. This week will feature a playdate on the swings, blue cakes with coconut in and emo megamixes we’ve made for one another. I am muy excited!
Stafford… a stupendously jolly man who runs a Caribbean restaurant in Brixton… I love him and his wife’s incredible cooking.
riding first-class on the train
mega-mixes
discussing food with janey… because that’s literally all we ever do… discuss food or sex. I love janey.
stopping-off at random pubs with janey
bratwurst
Franny… one of the few people I feel genuinely close to at the moment. For all the people that seem to have abandoned me, Franny is there offering me hugs every chance she gets. I love her and I love spending time with her. she’s a beautiful creature inside and out and is another person I HATE myself for not having bonded with sooner…
Lee Lee
Thai breakfasts… sausages, egg, curry and rice OH MY!!
when Muffin surprises me… he’s getting better, slowly. He’s been surprising me with random phone calls and photos at least daily and my heart is all pleased for this. he’s a delightful boy.
apple juice
Sam Rockwell… PHWOAR!
dim sum
Brixton… full of all the most fabulous trinkets, clothes, foods and people ever. I love it so big.
sea shell animals… oh. em. gee.
taxidermy
elderly couples
good buttercream icing
cowboy shirts 

my Kevin tattoo
Father Ted
Belle & Sebastian
Ardal O’Hanlon
smoked salmon… but ONLY when accompanied by soy sauce and wasabi… NOM!!
being familiar enough with London to be able to navigate confidently
The Lucy Show
my hair
all-butter cookies
my drawings
fresh watermelon
riding the underground
Paige
English Countryside
sideshow freaks
caravans
Flight of the Conchords
wigs
spinach dumplings
soy sauce
boiled potatoes
strange and confusing game shows
clouds
sunny days
courgettes
Polish soup
really old hospitals
animals that have been preserved in jars
Walthamstowe… best market, chinese pound shop and people-watching locale in the WORLD. Fact.
good posture
Fox Gloves… the flowers, not tiny mittens for woodland creatures, although wouldn’t THOSE be CUUUTE?!
caramel shortcake

it's ready!

It is impossible for me to have a weekend with janey that does not bear the fruit of a billion things that I heart for the week. I always come away from our extra-long playdates with my book heaving with train tickets, found-items, photos and scribbled, drunken handwriting. 

This visit is absolutely no different and should hopefully offer you a fun little list to cast your gaze over this week… please enjoy, dudes.

Polish instant soups
When our designated payday falls on a weekend so we get paid early 

Janeyweekends… oh em gee yes! I love weekends when we are due to hang out; when one of us makes that long trek either north or south to see the other. I love the anticipation that builds up through the day… like when I was a kid and I would be excited about the four-hour long drive to my grandparent’s house in Colorado for Christmas… the anticipation to see someone you love just SO MUCH that you can barely hide your glee. THAT is what I have with janey in the days building up to a designated weekend together. The excitement is only made worse by the fact that we text one another constantly. As the day draws nearer we begin texting more often and the texts tend to contain more swear words. We text about all the things we want to do, many of them not actually things we will ever do (ie. Recreate the choreography from a famous Bollywood film at a local metal club), but still fun to muse about. Then one of us arrives at the other’s train station and we hug. Janey hugs make me the happiest because they are so genuine and warm. Once we’ve settled, the chaos ensues and it’s just magical. She’s such an amazing person and I love every single tiny second that I get to spend with her. The greatest moment from entire weekend this time took place at a little pub in Angel. We marched in there on a whim, wanting a cola and some water (yeah, we’re THAT great on a night out, we drink water. Stick THAT in your pipe and smoke it!) and found that it was a soul night made all the more special because it was dedicated to Michael Jackson that night. Upon walking in and perching at the bar we noticed that there were several boys, mostly negros, dancing in small packs throughout the local vicinity. Now, when I say ‘dancing,’ I mean actually DANCING… these boys could bust a move and made janey and I froth like a couple of dogs with rabies. We watched the boys for the bulk of the night and were suitably impressed as we sipped our cola and were photographed by various people, presumably because of our appearances, which was distinctly different to anyone else in the entire place. We danced and enjoyed ourselves for several hours before going home and relaxing in bed for a long night’s slumber.
Tomato soup
Nick Parker
My life… occasionally, I actually have to stop, catch my breath and say, “are you freaking kidding me?!” my life is just THAT incredible. I have literally got everything I could ever even possibly imagine I’d need directly in front of me and I couldn’t be happier. I have all the most amazing friends, fairly good health, a good head on my shoulders, seemingly flawless luck and… well… I mean, my life is everything I ever wanted it to be. I live in England, the boy I fell in love with ten years ago has gotten back in touch with me and we are having a proper go at it, one of my best friends is an incredible musician and artist, I am about to take a one-year holiday to america to travel, work and eat, I get a shit-ton of free or cheap tattoos and I tend to find jobs that embrace the way I live. I have the most perfect life that has been tailored specifically around me and how I want to live. I rarely have to make compromises and often laugh… my life is bliss.
When Dane actually emails me when he says he will
When my expectations aren’t smashed
Drawing things
The blissful chaos in our house… I was concerned about how it would work out. how all of our things would blend together and what the house would look like with the combined forces of his crap AND my crap all under one roof. Needless to say, there WERE some teething issues, we DID make some messes and I’m not gonna lie, there are still corners of the house that look like tiny tornados ripped through them, destroying everything in their tiny little whirlwindy path. It’s not been almost three weeks and our lives have settled into this beautiful little formation that is perfect for us. Our schedules tend to work together well, our stuff has all made bff with one another and I still have my own tiny baking area in the kitchen. I get to wake up every morning, see the skinned clown music box next to the vintage Singer sewing machine and remember that I am living with my best friend and fall madly in love with my life once more.
Morning calls from Janey
Chatting on Skype with people
Picking at my cuticles
Frankfurters… oh my sweet baby jesus in a handbasket! I have fallen in love with frankfurters in a big way. It started when Pow brought some home the other night because I was in a bad mood and he wanted to lift my spirits (and what more could a girl need than smoked hot dogs!?). They started flirting with me even before their packaging had been opened, allowing guffs of their sexy, smoked scent to escape and fly into my nostrils… Pow released them from their plastic traps (which I was imagining, in this foodporn scenario was some sort of food PVC) and poured them into the boiling water. I watched them dance in a saucily seductive way for the next ten minutes as I pulled out the condiments I would slather all over them before making sweet love to them with my mouth. They wriggled and writhed until Pow drained them and tossed them all on a plate… since that first interaction I cannot help but need them in my life as often as possible. Janey fed them to me with boiled rice, a fried egg and soy sauce (a thai breakfast from her childhood) and Pow and I eat them at least twice a week… I am in love with thee oh Frankfurter, please do not forsake me!
Really good cupcake recipe books
Vintage cookbooks
My list book
Date-stamps
Flapjacks
When people praise my blog… it does not happen often, but when it does it makes me a happy little bear!
Jokes that are actually funny
Finding interesting things on the road
Documentaries
The smell of a new car
Rice
Reminders from the night Claire and I got kicked out of three pubs in Derby
Chicken Kievs
Garlic
Facial tattoos
Train journeys
Watching the sun go down
Camera Obscura
People-watching with Janey
British accents
Cyber Candy
Heavy makeup on my eyes
The fact that Nick calls me ‘Bitch Tits’
My rack
Chuck Palahniuk
Photos
Dim Sum 

Franny… oh what a beautiful, tiny little creature. I remember before we started talking more I always used to watch her and be so shocked by what a beautiful creature she was. Her face just lights up in all the right places when she laughs and she has the most fabulous personality ever (and OMG her rack is stupendous!). I love that we have started spending more time talking and hanging out in the last couple of months, and to be honest, I have no idea what my nights out at the pub would be like without her, she makes the nights complete and I can’t thank her enough for that.
Sausage Buns
Ridiculous names for shops
Not being lied to
Muffin emails
When Chris isn’t being a retarded, difficult jerk
Horn sections
People with Down’s Syndrome
Low-cut tops
X-rays
Kimya Dawson
Michael Jackson
Peanuts
Beards
Juno
Muffin’s voice
Steamed spinach dumplings
Dolly Parton
Janey’s mum and dad
Caribbean food… beans, rice and chicken, OH MY! NOM!
Good t-shirts
My jeggings
Retarded dogs
Beautiful lyrics
Spicy fried chicken sushi
Pop art
Jarvis Cocker
Trying to write on trains
How late it stays light out in the summer
Being given good clothes
Air conditioning in the summer
Coloured fags
“Elvis Ain’t Dead” by Scouting for Girls
When songs are able to remind me of a very specific memory/time… like when I hear “Rude Boy” by Rhianna, I am immediately whisked back to the gay club with Nick and Franny, watching Nick do his sassy little dance and making me laugh like I’ve not laughed in years.
Rucksacks
Dancing
Being randomly photographed
Janey’s handwriting
When I’m on a train home and we get to Leicester… exclusively because this is the penultimate stop before  home and who doesn’t love that last home-stretch after a long journey?
Bearded pigs
NOT being sat behind/next to a fucking writhey bastard
The “Cooking With The Stars” videos Pow and I make
Sexual innuendo
Leek and potato soup
Crusty bread rolls
Homemade shortbread biscuits 

Alastair Powers… SUCH a beautiful creature. Our bonding has been increasing in velocity in the last few weeks. We spend more time together and talk much more often. The interactions we have are so much more smooth and perfect than they used to be and I love that about us. When we spend time together everything just immediately falls into place and no matter how often we talk we ALWAYS get mega-excited about telling each other all the tiny things that we might have missed in between. He’s just a special creature and I love spending time with him. I could never thank him enough for the time we spend together. 

tuesday...

this week had been a little slow on the hearting things side... i haven't really found myself in such an excitable and superinlovewitheverything mood. i don't really know why... i have just been overall covered with a thin blanket made of morose. it may be because my birthday and all the excitement involved with that has passed now and i am just on the kind of end-of-year run-down, but i just... i feel all tired and saggy and perhaps definitely ready to go back to work.

meh, let's do this thang...

danie hearts:

• the cupcake necklace... gifted to her by the beautiful hannah on her birthday, she loves it more than any of her other pieces of jewelery. i love always having a cupcake on me so people KNOW... i worry sometimes that people see it more as a fashion symbol than a way of life, but i don't give a fuck... i know what i wear it for and hope that people will ask me. 
• fried rice
• reading old poetry

• my desk at home... i have begun to really adore my desk here at home. it is my fabulous little safe haven where i can create or brainstorm or do anything i want. it is filled with all the things that inspire me and make me happy and i love it. 
• disco balls
• watching the way light glistens on wet pavement at night
• weeing
• planning my next london excursion... this is particularly exciting primarily because i will not be doing what i typically do in london (exhaust myself in chinatown, overeat and drink way too much). this journey will feature me prancing to a pub in bethnal green and watching my precious jaacq perform his little heart out during the last leg of his tour. i was so worried that i was going to miss out on watching his performance, but it seems i will catch his very last show and will be attending with janey, pow pow and eleanor. it will be glorious! 
• rice with butter and brown sugar on
• planning a day out with pow pow on thanksgiving so i don't have to feel so alone... GOD i hope he comes through on this. i have a feeling he won't though.
• yvonne
• creating more animals for my tiny zoo
• boys with pretty eyelashes
• julie west
• janeytexts
• grandma's boy
• danish voice... he seems to have this unbelievable calming affect on me, even just by saying 'CPN 2 Sergeant Scharff...' when he answers the phone makes my heart beat faster. his voice sounds exactly how i remember it when i met him all those years ago and it seems to have this way of making everything in the world go right where it needs to be. he has actual magical powers, that muffin. 

meh, that's all... i need to hit the hay.

bigger than everything i have ever done before

Every day…every single day is harder than the last. Without fail.

I feel like a piece of wood that is being whittled down on a slow, but very steady pace. Being whittled down with a tiny, little jagged knife.

Like, I know I’m in control of my own destiny and how I feel. And I know that the things I go through are of my own making, but damnit, I want it to stop. My mind is just going constantly, without any time for a rest. It just goes on and on and despite my regular begging, it will not, for any reason slow or halt.

This would all be okay if I had actual, tangible ways of coping with them… a therapist, a friend, a punching bag. Like, I write, but I am far too lazy to write as much I really should

So many of my friends are just flaky and it is actually impossible to speak to Chris about the things that are really bothering me. He just tells me I’m being unreasonable and that I need to get a grip, which is exactly what I don’t need to hear right now. I don’t feel that the things I feel are unreasonable and who is he to tell me what is or isn’t a ‘healthy’ way to deal with this? As long as I am not out murdering people or harming small animals anything should be fair game, right?

Apparently not. Apparently I cannot voice how certain things upset me. Apparently I cannot talk about how unreasonable I feel he is being with some things without having it thrown back into my face and told not to forget my next psychologist appointment because I ‘really need it.’ Apparently I cannot just spend the evening hanging out alone without it somehow being thrown back at me that I am being passive aggressive and trying to hurt him. Apparently I cannot say ‘no’ to a cuddle without a further argument ensuing with him saying I am ‘throwing a pity party.’ Apparently I cannot do anything unless he approves it first.

Work is my only respite at the moment. It’s the only place I can go to get away from the horrible sinking feeling that I get from being at home. Work calms me and getting work done makes me feel like I have at least accomplished something that day.

London was just what I needed. The instant I got onto my bus I was relieved. I just turned my music on as loud as it would go and snoozed the three hours it was until I got to see my janeyface.

She greeted me with a dozen krispy kreme doughnuts and after a suitable amount of cuddles we retired to the first free park bench we could find and ate one each then smoked. It was perfect and just what I needed. We talked about how things had been at home (tense) and how work had been (nice as satankim was off for two weeks) and what specific things I wanted to do that particular afternoon (Chinatown and cake shop). It was just so splendid to see her. It had been far too long.

Post-fag we made out way to her fish shop where I was given the usual tour, which I always love. She keeps things that aren’t cichlids, which makes me happy. As much as I loves me some cichlids, I do get bored of them and yearn to see other swimmy creatures. I got to oogle her special fancy goldfish, all her rainbows, parrotfish and blind cave tetras (which she ordered in primarily because they are all I’ve been talking about since she gave me a book with them in about two years ago. I LOVE them and the fact that they have no eyes). I got to smile at her lionfish, clownfish and puffers. Once all the fish had been suitably inspected by myself we moved on to a cake shop that had been widely recommended by friends because of the massive, beautifully decorated cupcakes they sold. Let me just say now, that place was quite possibly the most disappointing place I have ever been in my life… even more so than Auschwitz. When we arrived there were only about five cakes in the window and about three dozen in the shop. Each cake had its own special appearance of staleness and fail. Deciding we couldn’t leave empty-handed, janey and I purchased shakes. She got a double chocolate malteaser and I got a bounty. Despite their fabulous candy namesakes, they were immediately branded as failures to me purely down to the fact that each one, which was only about the size of a child’s drink at McDonald’s, set us back £3.80. Outrageous.

We then moved on to Chinatown where I proceeded to purchase as many Chinese buns and as much sushi as I possibly could. Purchases in hand, jane and I toddled over to the bus stop to begin the journey back to Hackney.

Despite my tired feet (which my new amazingshoes make happier than anything ever) arriving at jane’s was lovely. We dropped all of our purchases off, kicked off our shoes and retired to the sofa for some serious tele-visual delight.

Sunday saw us up early, consuming a breakfast and on a bus before half nine. Our destination: London Zoo!! Because janey works at the zoo as a volunteer she was able to get us in the ‘backstage’ area which, as we bypassed all the regular patrons to enter, made me feel quite smug. I got to go to the roof and feed the chameleons and see all the venomous snakes and peer at the people from BEHIND the animal enclosures. It delighted me to no end.

Post-zootime we rushed to Chinatown again to meet up with Eleanor, Thuy and her new boy, Tristan (who is made of delightful and win). After a large amount of hugs and hand shakes we bombarded the Dim Sum restaurant in a colossal way and ate until we felt ill. We partook in most likely the most inappropriate conversations ever to be held in that restaurant and I took oh-so-many photos.

After we said our goodbyes to Thuy and Tristan, Eleanor, Janey and I pranced on towards Forbidden Planet so I could meet one of my internet friends in real life. Louisa Ryrie (whose name offered us limitless joy) is going to be one of the characters in Johneee, so we’ve been talking here and there about… well… stuff. Life and junk. She is just a beautiful little ball of energy and I couldn’t wait to meet her. We made our way to the shop she worked at and we searched. I told janey and Eleanor that we were to be on the lookout for a tiny girl with lots of tattoos and a pink Mohawk. I soon found her and was shocked by how tiny she was. It is so strange how, when you have never met someone but built up a repertoire with someone over a period of time… created this image in your head of what this person looks like or how tall they are or any various mix of things, and then you meet them and they are completely different. She and I have been talking for about six months now, I’ve seen photos of her, but I still couldn’t believe how tiny she was. I could have just folded her up and put her in my pocket. We chatted a bit, had a fag and then parted so she could finish her shift.

After meeting Louisa we were at a loss… where to go!? What to do?! We just ambled aimlessly. A list of our stops can be seen below:

• We went to Fopp, where I nabbed up some sexy deals in the form of DVD.
• We went to some precious shop that was full of all the cutest things in the world.
• We went to Cyber Candy where I spent an extortionate amount on some special American sweets that I’ve been craving for quite some time.
• We went to some clothes shop where we met a boy Eleanor went on a date with recently. He was super-precious and OMG so cleaver and funny. Win.
• We went to the royal ballet hall where Eleanor picked up guides to what was on over the next few months (this was for two reasons: 1. Eleanor studies at RADA and has been told that she should be attending at least one show a week for educational purposes; and 2. she has a family member coming to visit soon that she wants to take to the ballet)

After leaving the final shop I literally thought I was going to die. My feet were exhausted and I certainly hadn’t smoked enough fags that day. We saw Eleanor off in the direction of where she needed to go and got ourselves onto a bus.

Monday was another epic day of fun. We were up and out again by half nine, making our way to Walthamstow, which is a little burb of London that is comprised primarily of black people and secondarily of Chinese people. We love Walthamstow for one reason and one reason only… the Chinese Pound Shop. It is literally the best shop in the world as it is full of all the most strange, fun and random artefacts in the world.

Once we had walked nearly the entire length of Walthamstow, purchased a bag of buttons (the most beautiful buttons in the world) for £16.50 and found the greatest dress in the world, we made our way to the underground for the fifty-minute journey to Brixton (another burb made up entirely of black people). Our journey to Brixton was made because of a gentleman called Stafford who is a regular in Jane’s fish shop and has recently opened a Jamaican restaurant. He invited Janey to come in and have a free meal with some family and friends.

We arrived at his restaurant and were greeted and cuddled by this fabulous man who asked if we wanted us to trust him to which i promptly replied that no i didn't, as i am a fussy eater who hates fish and food that's too spicy. my honesty then awarded me many jibes throughout the rest of our meal. our stupendously glorious meal.

after our glorious meal we pranced back to hackney, stocked up on juice and chocolate and got down to tattooing. see, jane just bought a machine and loads of ink and what better canvas to practice on than danie, the one who cares not what happens to her body? yay! so janey coloured in some of the older stuff and did me a brand new tattoo for my alastiar. it was horrifically painful, but totally worth it. i loves it big time.

coming home has just been a snowball effect. i've just gotten more stressed, anxious and generally blah with every passing day. christopher has been trying to be lovely, but his idea of being lovely is a combination of being aloof and trying to cuddle me constantly... i want neither of these things.

he seems to have just completely gotten over the fact that the last seven years is over and there is no future anymore... he just acts like he doesn't care. i don't know what i expect him to act like... do i want to see him crying or self-harming? maybe... maybe i need to see that he cared about the last seven years. but he isn't... he is just turning into this person that i always wanted him to be again. he's growing his beard out, going out to gigs, smoking again... all the things i wanted and loved about him... just sparked up now that we ended things. i HATE that. i hate that he is suddenly turning into this person that he hasn't been with me for the last three years. i just hate it... all of it.

it's a big, fat mess and i am just stuck in the middle of it.... lost and quite terrified.

planning a trip to oxford to see my lee lee and thinking about going to see maral in paris. i'll see where i am in a week.

**sigh**