Wednesday, 20 January 2010

on becoming empty...

well, it has officially happened.

chris has moved all his belongings out of the house and has been officially gone for the last two days. he is gone and so is half of my life.

it has hit me harder than i had actually thought it would. through the course of this separation i have been feeling little or no emotion. well, that's not necessarily true, i've just been better at dealing with it. i have very carefully sculpted my ability to deal with the stuff i am going through with little or no tears. it is something i am both proud of and find slightly disconcerting.

almost daily i have the muffin or the estranged remind me that i seem unaffected or more emotionally well-off with regard to the divorce and that is not the whole truth. i hurt, i really do. the ache that i feel is not comparable to anything i could ever describe. i have not ever experienced such a feeling of empty and loss... i have lost this person. this person that has been there constantly for the last seven years is now gone. he's gone and i won't have him here to help me or hold me or look at me and tell me i look pretty anymore. he is gone and so are all the promises he and i made to one another. all the futures he and i had painted featuring a guinea pig farm, tiny butchers and a self-sustaining garden... they are all gone, wiped away like they were nothing. like we hadn't spent years planning them and looking forward to starting them.

i look around my house today and can barely stand. i can't bare to leave my bedroom to get something to eat because i will have to walk through the dining room. the hub of what was our life together. the place he and i carefully situated all the small trinkets that made us us. the room used to be brimming with fish tanks and books and THINGS... now it's empty and full of reminders that i am now half of the person i have been for the last seven years. every gap in my books whispers that i have lost a very massive part of my life. a part of my life that i went into all those years ago with every expectation that it would be forever. never, when i made that collage all those years ago, did i expect that this would end so suddenly or violently. despite countless conversations with pow pow and hannah, i never, ever could have anticipated this.

so here i am today, listening to the unfamiliar sounds of a new creature bumbling around my house. stacey is lovely and tiny and makes me feel elderly (as she was born in 1991). she works full time in a residential care home and is a beautiful little lady who i am fairly excited to live with. she is very friendly but seems painfully (dare i say it?) normal. i worry that she will see me with janey and immediately want to move back with her parents. we talk and i just feel old and weird... i mean, i am sewing a costume for a dwarf to wear in a photo-comic about a serial killer. meh, i just worry that she looks at me like i am a little nuts from time to time, which i guess i should be pleased about... i like being a little eccentric. it's just odd to have to share my life with a new person now...

it's strange having someone new in your house after so many years with the same person. to have to get used to someone else's habits and smells (which i just realized sounds odd... heh, it's just that since stacey moved her things in, the house has been filled with a very different and not unpleasant smell. very girly, and nice.) i am sure after time i will get used to her being around, it's just that like, today, i am just lurking around the house like some sort of creep, offering her tidbits of information like when janey will be coming to visit, what my habits are and why certain things are the way they are in the house. i just don't know what to do with myself.

last tuesday saw me open my door to the most beautiful face in the world... my fabulous lee lee. he had come for a playdate, which came in the shape of sitting around in my room watching shocking amounts of stand-up comedy and talking about my move, his interview and the muffin. i just miss him ever-so much. he's such a special creature.

wednesday i was retrieved from my house by dave (of the dreadlocks and beautiful singing voice) and lee lee for quite possibly the most exciting purpose ever. destination: Norfolk. purpose: to be a part of the studio audience of most haunted live. yeah, jealous much? no need.

three hours later we arrived at the RAF base where multiple members of the crew called me a 'lovely little creature' and a 'fit bird.' parking spot located, we snacked. lee lee and i made faces at each other and dave sang and we were delighted.

when the time came to prance into the hangar to get our wrist bands i immediately realized how out of place i was. i had NO idea what this television programme was and the other 300+ people there DID. i just asked dave and lee lee on repeat who everyone was and if i should be excited to meet them. it was thrilling and the main host of the programme kissed me then called lee lee a jerk.

post-wristbbanding, we made our way back to the car and snacked more then played in the snow until the official time for the show to start.

the show itself was... uhhh... hokey? just people walking around dark rooms screaming and being silly. the best bits were during the advert breaks where we three were allowed to fool around and be silly and noisy.

overall, it was a fabulous day out because i got to spend it with two wonderful boys and see some of the english countryside covered in a fabulous blanket of snow.

muffin-related things are okay. he will be getting his orders in like, thirty-one days and will (hopefully) then be here within the following two weeks. it is all very thrilling and... i don't know. he notified me the other day that if he doesn't receive his passport soon he will just go on leave back to america and pack up his shit and then come see me once he's gotten out of iraq. this has upset me more than it most likely should have. i just hate the thought of having to wait ANOTHER five months to see him.

i understand why he wants to go back to america... kinda. see, there's a lot of issues surrounding his separation from HIS estranged. issues that he is not strong enough to let go of yet. issues that frustrate the fuck out of me.

essentially, she's a disrespectful floozy. she smokes in the house despite a clause in their tenancy agreement, she brings boys around to the house despite the muffin's regular requests for her to not and the real kick in the teeth? she pays NO rent or bills. all of this piled on top of the stress and emotion of the actual separation has really taken it's toll on the muffin. he's really depressed and not sleeping.

like, logical danie immediately snaps her problem-solving hat on and suggests ways he can sort it out straight away. you look at those things up there that she does and it screams of things that can easily be changed, were you to have the inclination. demand she starts paying for half the bills and rent and advise that you will not be held responsible for any care that needs to be taken with regard to damage from smoking (carpet cleaning, painting and deodorizing). the problem is, when i mention these things to the muffin he either ignores them or gets incredibly moody with me, saying that i am stopping him from processing his emotions.

yeah, because danie does that. danie, the girl who exists on the whims of all her emotions all the time. danie who has been through treatment to assist her in learning healthy ways to deal with emotions. i totally love to make people shut them off. it's sorta my thing.

essentially, i just hate that he still pines after her and what she does all. the. time... if she hasn't spoken to him in a couple of days he goes nuts trying to contact her and then when they do speak, she just talks about the men she's screwing and how awesome they are, which bums my muffin out. i hate her for that. i hate the fact that she has no sense of personal pride or respect for other people's emotions. granted, the muffin is a weirdo and likes to ask the probing questions, but she doesn't have to answer them. i personally think she relishes in it and it makes me feel ill. i also hate the fact that she still has such an all-encompassing hold over his emotions. if she has done or said anything that might be ugly it destroys him for between an hour and two days. i hate the fact that someone else could have so much influence over his emotions. i spend so much time building him up, trying to help him understand that the experiences he's  had in relationships before me were NOTHING compared to what i will be giving him, and JUST when i get him feeling good about himself he gets into touch with her and it all falls down.

it all became fairly distressing for me when we had the following conversation on saturday:

Him: never thought I'd feel this way about her
starbeast: what way?
starbeast: do you still love her
starbeast: i mean
starbeast: in THAT way?

Him: what way?
starbeast: in the way that makes you want to stay with her or work things out?
Him: no
Him: like

starbeast: is there any part of you that still wants to?
Him: part of me wants that
starbeast: right

now, i'm not stupid, and i know that i have cut off the rest of the conversation (which did feature him telling me that the other, MUCH bigger part of him wanted to smarten up and just get this show on the road with danie) and i KNOW he didnae mean that the way it came out, but the instant i saw that, my little heart sank like the titanic, but faster. it sank and hasn't completely resurfaced yet. my stomach immediately went all gross and now i can't get that conversation out of my head.

and now, it has been brought to my attention that his estranged (who i have blocked from my facebook, meaning i cannae see any posts she does) has posted shit on his page publicly, taking the piss out of me. i've just hit my limit now, you know? i am a very amicable person... i can let a lot of water fall off my back and i have spent a lot of time talking to the muffin about how perhaps she isn't always in the wrong and maybe he should cut her some slack, but she has just fucking bitten off more than she can chew now. she's made an enemy in someone that she REALLY doesn't want. this doesn't mean i am going to fly off the handle and be a loose cannon, this just means that i will be calculating and taking stock of a lot of things and she had better not ever, EVER cross me directly. bitch.

and that's it, really. OH! EXCEPT! my boss's boss's boss rang me two days ago and it is official:

the investigation has been completed and there was insufficient evidence to corroborate further action

so i am now officially NOT suspended anymore and am on 'special leave' until monday, when i will start workies again. first though, i have to prance into work to meet with the head honcho so's they can 'go over some stuff' with me (presumably to tell me what i am and am not allowed to blog about), which is taking place friday afternoon.

post-oppression, i will be making my way to pow pow's for a hot date featuring johnny-chat and trashy films. i am excited mostly. i miss my pow pow. i've been showing his videos to stacey and falling apart little by little because i will miss his face. one video, in particular... please enjoy and have a good week!


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