"Priorities. Some people need to get some."

I'd love to talk about priorities and this direct quote taken from the Facebook of Molly's mother. It's no secret that I occasionally go and have a gander at her page. It's worked out relatively well for us, as I have discovered many slanderous posts and hateful comments that have been dispensed as needed to legal officials for reference to the type of person we are trying desperately to co-parent with.

I tend to go to her page in an attempt to find any extra photos of Molly that I can, as Muffin and I both agree that the five or so photos he gets a year from BJ are inadequate and we will seek wherever we can for more. I've found remnants of years filled with memories from BJ's Facebook that I am not ashamed to have found, as the happiness that I get to see on Muffin's face when he sees photos of his daughter at age five when he hardly got any photos makes all that disappear. Watching him be a grownup with a gorgeous little child with years of beautiful memories is really special and validates all the time that we've spent struggling through court.

Becoming a grownup has its perks and a few drawbacks. Perks being that I can eat ice cream any time I want, I don't have a set bedtime, and if I don't like someone, I am not forced to talk to them or spend time with them. It's a really nice thing to be an adult and to be able to make choices for myself. The drawback being that sometimes, those choices have consequences. Consequences that aren't always the funnest to deal with. Consequences that I, as a responsible adult, must deal with.

Ice cream in excess has made me fat, I'm tired literally constantly because I stay up so late, and I miss out on meaningful, special memories that could be had were I not always so petulant. Consequences come from a lot of stuff... Lying. Being hateful. Bullying. Being selfish and not sharing. All actions that as an adult I've had to learn to stave off because it's not helpful, kind, or conducive to being a normal, functioning adult. The best way to act like a regular adult is to develop and maintain a very clear line of priorities.

Priorities include being the type of person who makes decisions not based on their own personal feelings or needs, but what would be best for the other people in their lives. All the people in their lives. Big people. Little people. Children.

Yes. I went to Las Vegas. It was my thirtieth birthday and I saved and saved, and decided that after twenty-two years of pining, I would finally go there. I have spent years not going on this one dream vacation because my priorities called me towards bills or work or other people. This year though? I decided to be my own priority for once. To give myself the gift of a once-in-a-lifetime trip that I've wanted to go on for two decades. I budgeted and planned meticulously so that I could begin my thirties just the way I wanted.

You wanna know about another trip I am taking soon? I'm going to El Paso. To visit my step-daughter because she asked me with tear-filled eyes why we never go visit her at her home. She confided in me with her broken heart open, begging for some form of connection in this whole situation. Some way for her to feel more comfortable and like she is important. And she is. Through this entire thing, for me, she has been the single most important person. The whole reason why everyone has been fighting. This hasn't been about me or my own feelings, this has been about her and her feelings. I remember being a child who's mother hid things and pretended her father didn't exist. I remember wondering endlessly what I had done that was so wrong to make my own father not want to be a part of my life, when, as an adult, I've realized my mother was the puppetmaster behind everything. The one constant that painted my father as this evil, ugly man who wanted nothing to do with me. I remember that, and resent daily how much was stolen from me by someone who was so greedy.

Would I have preferred to save my money and pay off some extra debt or buy myself some fabulous Christmas presents? Sure. But when a little girl who's hurting from the pain of her parent's incessant fighting over her asks for something to make that pain a little less, I'm going to make it happen. Whatever the cost. I'm going to put on my big girl pants and travel for almost half a day with my husband to the desert to visit a little lady who needs it more than all the video games, glitter, or clothes that I might think I need.

You know something else that I did? I suggested to Muffin that we all go out to a meal together with Molly's mother and step-dad despite not really wanting to spend a couple of hours with someone who so actively hates us. Priorities called me to though, because those big blue eyes want to see some normalcy and my feelings don't matter nearly as much as hers.

Do you want to know who's feelings apparently DO supersede Molly's? Her mom's. After excitedly accepting our suggestion for a big family meal out a couple of months ago she has now decided that spending time with ME (me who has done nothing but try to bridge gaps, make her and her daughter comfortable, craft really adorable and thoughtful gifts for her children, and tell the truth on court documents) is far too much for HER to handle despite it being something that her daughter is seeking with wild intent. Her daughter wants to see some form of friendliness and kindness between us. She cried to me, asking why we didn't get along and why we didn't spend time together. She cried as I talked to her about all the things I thought were wonderful about her mother as she fell asleep. I want her to know that this has nothing to do with my feelings for her mother, and that she should feel comfortable loving whomever she wants with no reservation. I don't want her to feel shameful for wanting to talk about her mom's goofiness or great cooking, I want her to relish in it, even if she's not encouraged to love this household when she is not here.

But all of that is neither here nor there, as her mother can't handle the idea of spending time with me. In my opinion, her priorities seem to be a little skewed, which begs the question for me, do her random public jibes on Facebook about people needing to get priorities reference herself? Because it seems that they couldn't possibly reference me.

An Open Letter to a Birth Mom from a Step Mom... Part One.

So this shall be the first of probably several (at least three) blogs that will suit as an open letter to the Birth Mom in my life. The mother of my step-daughter and the woman who has done nothing but attempt to destroy our lives pretty consistently for the last two years or so.

BJ has asked me specifically to not contact her via email, text, or phone, so I have decided this would be the best means for me to get this information out there. This way I can finally say what needs saying and she can read it or not. That will be up to her.

There will be more. I'm just making sure I word them just how I need to.

Please, read on...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Birth Mom,

I am writing you because I'm sure you know just as well as I do that this is a long time coming. I feel like the last year and-a-half has been such a hideous pressure on every single person involved with our houses either directly or indirectly and it’s created emotional and financial strains that I hope you understand we are just as familiar with as you are. It has been hard. For everyone. And I want you to know that I understand that. I understand that and feel for you. Just as I would hope you have the empathy to do for us.

Also? I want you to know that I am writing this not from BD, not from US, but from me. Just me. BD has nothing to do with me writing this. Despite what you may choose to believe, I have maintained a reasonably large distance from all things relating to your court dealings. I made it my job to only be involved if BD asked for help or guidance and that was from a standpoint of a second head to deconstruct and interpret things, were that to be necessary. I provided a shoulder if he needed one to lean on and an ear if he needed to talk or vent. And no matter how much you will try and try to argue that fact, that is where I was. I wasn’t working through him as a puppet master or driving force in an effort to ruin your life or steal your daughter. I was his support system and that was it. 

I also want you to know that I got tired very early on in this. I got tired and took a backseat to everything that was going on because I have my own things that I need to focus on that are more pertinent to the future of our household and my own sanity. I have school, family, work, and my own personal health that I have been taking care of more urgently than a situation that I had no part in creating and decided to have no direct part in resolving. I have always made myself open to try to help and will continue to do so. I will provide support and communication where needed and be kind to everyone to the best of my ability. But I will not try and solve the issues that the two of you have. That’s not my job. 

Despite this, I hope that you would please try and understand that this has been an agonizing thing to sit and watch (just as I can imagine it was agonizing to go through directly). I am not going to sit here and try to even begin to speculate what you went through. Nor am I going to try to compare our situations. There is no parallel. What I do want to do is try to open your eyes to where I've been, because I've spent months reading about what you've been going through and I feel like it would only be fair for me to be able to enlighten you to what we as a household have been going through at the hands of both you and BD.

From our side of it, I really want you to know that there is no way to describe having to live in constant fear of what one of us would hear or find out each morning that would offer insight on what our day would turn into. To never, ever know what turns our day would make because someone else thinks they have the right to reign unpleasantness upon us on a whim. It has been a difficult thing to be a part of that. Luckily, it has built us up to be stronger in the long run. We are now able to listen more objectively, plan more carefully and make decisions that will be better not just for us, but also for the people around us that we love. 

And please don’t think that I don’t know you have got your own troubles. I am very aware of the fact that you have got another child at home who has illnesses that need attending to. I am aware of the fact that you don’t have the money to pay for multiple flights out here for court dates (a problem that didn’t need to be blamed on us if you had simply used the facilities at your disposal, including the ability to get in touch with the County Clerk and advise them that you can’t attend in person, and arranging to phone in so that you were counted as attending.). I am aware that all of the financial and emotional issues that arose must have absolutely put a burden on you and your husband (who is a saint, and I hope he knows that. He sold a lot of his own personal effects for something that could have been prevented by you in the first place. He is an incredible person and I respect how much he supported you through this. You have got yourself a keeper there and you should forever be completely thankful for every day that he has stuck through all of this with you). We experienced our share of issues that I am not comparing to yours, but  instead simply letting you know that I know some of what you were going through, because we had our own issues. There were arguments and times when we had to tighten our belts a little to afford certain things. We know that this caused a strain and I don’t want you to think that you were the only one to suffer through the agonizing months of ragged emotions and empty bank accounts. I empathize and wish things could have been different. 

I also really want you to know that through everything, right from the beginning, I have done nothing but try to empathize with you. And not just from the beginning of the court proceedings. I’m talking about from the beginning, like, when Husband and I were coming to visit Daughter in 2011. I felt for you because I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you to let your daughter go spend time not only with a father who she has not spent a lot of physical time with, but also someone she has never met. From the beginning I have strived to be nothing but open, honest and communicative with you, and I would hope that you could look back and recall that. I have never been dishonest with you and unfortunately, despite you telling me countless times that you respect and appreciate it, you’ve regularly been unable to accept a lot of my honesty. 

Again, I understand. You’ve never had anybody challenge or disagree with you before. You’ve spent the last seven years making all the decisions for yourself with little or no regard to BD’s feelings or opinions. So I GET you becoming defensive and lashing out to some degree. It’s new and weird for you to have to be accountable for things like taking Daughter in for (what some might consider) excessive medical appointments or raising her however YOU want. BD is a kind person who never wanted to rock the boat, so he just accepted his fate of just being stuck in the background, only being allowed to talk to Daughter weekly and rarely getting to see her. He had accepted never having any choices on the countless medical procedures you have forced Daughter to endure. He had accepted that Daughter only called him by his name because she had been raised to call her stepfather "Daddy." These are all things that he shouldn’t HAVE to accept, but you gave him no other alternative and made him afraid. 

You had actually made him afraid of you. He was fearful of asking for anything from you, even for photos. A father shouldn’t have to ASK for photos of his child (We know that you have gone and gotten professional photos taken of Daughter, one of the sessions being right near BD’s birthday in 2012 and you didn’t even have the kindness in your heart to ask if he wanted to chip in to buy some for himself and his family). He was worried that if he asked for anything from you that you would cut off what little contact that he already had to fight for, which is unacceptable.

Because of this, he finally hit his limit and got tired of being afraid of you. He decided that he should be allowed to have rights. Rights that you weren’t even giving him the chance to have. You went about every single one of your days with no consideration to him or his feelings. You would keep him in the loop the bare minimum, whilst building your own family up, with as little interaction from BD as possible.

The straw that finally broke the camel’s back is when you decided to take Daughter out of school after he told you he didn’t want you to. That, combined with the fact that you decided that you didn’t need to give him formal notice that you were moving was what made him do what he did. You gave him no choice, and I wish you could see that. Any time that he approached you in a very rational way, you blew your top and lashed out at him, completely cutting off all contact. 

Do you remember when you actually stopped him from speaking to his daughter for a couple of weeks? I do, because I remember the hours and days that would pass with him longing just for a photo or just to hear her voice. I wish so much that you could understand how horrifying that is for a parent. To just NOT be allowed to talk to your child. To have someone waive their control of the situation around so callously. You GET to talk to Daughter every day, any time you want to. He doesn't. I don't understand why this is so difficult for you to comprehend. I wish so much that you could utilize just a little empathy regarding BD's situation... How would YOU feel if you knew that you had a gorgeous little girl that you helped to make. A little girl that you were only allowed to speak to once a week if you were lucky. A little girl who you couldn't even pick out of a lineup most days because you only got one picture every four-to-six months. A little girl that you KNEW was brilliant and funny and great to talk to, but you were not allowed to, because that little girl's other parent was busy trying to forget you existed because of the hurt emotions that occurred during your relationship. Not because you are a bad person. Not because you have ever mistreated that little girl. But because of negative feelings harbored and therefore projected upon anybody that they could.

Despite all of this, I tried, and I hope you know that. I defended you to people who were shocked by your actions. I plead your case more times than I can remember because I understood that you were fearful of losing control. I understood that you were blindsided and were acting out in the name of what you called  protecting yourself and your family. I begged for people to try to consider your side of this. I tried so hard to be your personal advocate here to try and protect your feelings. Unfortunately, most of my fighting for you ended very abruptly when a few things were brought to my attention. Things that I had no choice but to take seriously.

I was directed to your public Facebook page that was created as a “secret” page, I guess. A page that was set up with a fake name that led me to a huge cavalcade of other information that I spent hours and hours taking screenshots of.  I fond your Facebook, Pinterest and GoFundMe pages, which I’m guessing you created to protect your identity and still vent, but I wish that you had respected our intelligence a little more than you did and know that you didn’t make yourself hard to find. You also didn’t heed much caution to the things that you said. Things that were often dishonest and downright hateful a lot of the time. 

I want you to know that both BD and I were very careful throughout the entirety of these proceedings to not post or say anything out of anger or that might be construed as such. We owed you more respect than that, and I wish that you had been able to offer us the same respect. Also? We never took the route of lying to try to plead our case, which you did on many occasions, not only through social media, but also on court documents. 

I want you to know that I do very much respect your need to vent and reach out. I can’t count the amount of times that I longed to fumble through my feelings and find someone who I could get sympathy or guidance from. Even then, though, I ensured discretion. Again, I understand and am not condemning you for wanting to reach out. I have spent hours mulling over what you must have been going through. Hours trying to imagine what range of emotions must be running through your head, sometimes making your days unmanageable. I understand that the fear of things to come and the frustration from sudden action must have made you want to pull out your hair a lot of the time. I GET reaching out. I GET venting ugly things to make you feel better about yourself by poking fun at people. But why publicly? Why so blatantly? And why with lies?

Everyone does things behind closed doors that cannot be called to question or challenged, but you brought everything right into the open in an attempt to not only humiliate, but almost create a lynch mob against Husband and everyone affiliated with him. You became paranoid and that caused you to lash out. Most of what you lashed out with though was based on lies. Lies that served no purpose other than to again humiliate and generate a mob of people against us that would praise you and lift you up to be the almighty savior who is being persecuted for nothing but, as you claim, doing what is best for your child. 

I find it really difficult to see how fighting with her father is for her best interest. I find it difficult to understand what part of the things that you said, did and accused us of would benefit your child. I’ve tried, and I really can’t stress that enough. I TRIED to piece together what your thought processes must be like. Processes that have led you to not only post on countless public webpages, but also tell your daughter horrible things about us and lie to professionals about things that you could have never known about. 

The necessity to write this letter came up months ago. Through all of these months I’ve wanted to lash out or say horrible things to you. To publicly out you for all your lies and hatred. I’ve wanted to demand your open ears so that you and all of your friends could hear my half of the stories that you have been spewing out all over the internet. SO many times I started messages to your friends, explaining the truth and how dishonest you were being, but every time I closed it down because that wasn’t necessary. Instead, I’ve decided to go through the things that you have been saying that have been so glaring that I’ve been given no other choice than to defend not only myself, but my husband. You see, I have the right to defend myself and my family just as you do. I am allowed to protect the stability and reputation of my family, just as you are. And that is what I am here to do. So please, read on and see my defenses to the miscommunication and lies that you have been spreading all over the internet and court system. 

They’re broken down by topic and as relatively in chronological order as possible. I’ve also provided screenshots of the posts that you have put up publicly, just in case you might want to deny or pretend it didn’t happen…

RANT

today, i couldn't even muster the energy to wish Muffin a happy Father's Day like i did last year. i woke up and tried to just shut it off in my brain. i just don't have the strength today. after Mother's day, a day that i tried to make as special as possible for as many of the mother-figures in my life, with absolutely no recognition at all, i just couldn't. i ended up far too raw after sending cards and emails and texts and love to everyone in my life who plays some sort of a mothering role in their daily lives.

do you know what hurts more than anything? it's halfway through the day and there's been only one call from one of his sons and not one card has arrived... it just pretty much seems like Molly's mum doesn't give a shit about Muffin being the father of her child. i bet, without even a tiny shadow of a doubt, that Molly's STEP-father got a fucking card and wonderful hug and kiss from her, but not a single peep to the father that helped MAKE her (the fact that STEP-dad gets love kicks me in the guts even more because i didn't hear one goddamned peep from her, or any of the kids, on Mother's day. i'm not saying i deserve it, but if, in Molly's house, the STEP-parent gets precedence, why did i not hear a single thing?!)

what makes it worse? i emailed Molly's mum weeks ago to remind her to please send something to Muffin because he's been really down and it would be nice... nothing. how can someone actually be so heartless? like, are people literally incapable of stopping and thinking to themselves how they'd feel if the tables were turned? it just baffles me.

this post is coming after much aggravation, childlike behaviour and a complete lack of respect from Molly's mother. i am now completely finished grovelling at the feet of someone who demands such a high quality of respect but refuses to offer it to anybody else. i am finished with cowering under the shadow of threats and fear-based actions. i am finished worrying about the feelings of someone who cares nil about anybody but herself.

do you know what i don't understand?

how someone, a parent, can feel it is acceptable to try to stop a step-parent (or ANYONE) from being in their child's life. how can someone actually feel like they need to "protect" their child from being offered MORE love? what must be going on in someone's head to feel like it's alright to actually deprive their child from receiving more love? i thought part of the point of being a parent was to make sure that your child was surrounded by as much love as possible as often as possible?

all of my original fears about my relationship with Molly are coming to life very quickly at the result of her mother. her mother does nothing but make me trying to take part in her life more difficult. her being constantly flippant, regularly telling me i'm simply not allowed to speak to her anymore because of some silly thing i've done to upset her (you wanna know the most recent reason i'm not allowed to try to be a part of my step-daughter's life? i wanted to know what Girl Scout Troop she was in. yeah, can you believe what a monster i am?!) she literally contacted Muffin and told him that if i don't stop texting her, she will change her number and Muffin will only be able to talk to Molly via email. are you LITERALLY kidding me?!

Muffin doesn't help either. rarely talks about me with Molly, and i imagine her mum never says anything nice about me to her.the overall result of all of this is just frustration for me. frustration in the fact that i can't be a part of her life. her mother's refusal to involve him more than the bare minimum. and frustration with the fact that Muffin won't try harder. i just don't know what to do. i don't know what i can do.

i didn't agree to come into this relationship with the intent to ignore blatant disrespect of me, Muffin and Molly. that's all i see, pretty much constantly. selfishness on her behalf and everyone else being very openly disrespected for whatever reason she has decided is appropriate.


sigh. i guess, happy Father's Day to anybody who might have a kid. please, embrace your child and don't take advantage of it. you have a child in your life that you're actually allowed to love and nobody should ever be allowed to try and rob you or the child of that.

t

a list.

please have it!

cupcakes... yeah, THAT'S a big surprise, hey?
ice water
wedges... after seeing a lady in a shop with the most adorable pair of wedges in the world yesterday, i announced to Muffin that i NEEDED a pair, that i would most probably die without a pair. it was with that that we instantly went to the shopping centre for me to cast my gaze across all the wedged shoesies that i could possibly take home with me, were bonding to occur appropriately. fast-forward two hours and you see me prancing around the house in various states of dressed and un-dressed but always wearing my new wedges, assessing how hot they make me legs look and how much they make me feel like i'm walking on summer. california will enjoy my wedges just so much.
how legitimately retarded Origami is... so, Muffin and i pranced to the shopping centre Origami works at the other day... we didn't speak to her, look at her or antagonize her in any way. several hours later Muffin received a text that stated, "PSA, you have a choice to be here, i don't. i work here. that's twice in one week and i CAN have you removed." this delights me for several reasons, but mostly because the place she is referring to is the PX, which is where all the soldiers and people affiliated with them can go to shop for cut-price name-brand items... a place Muffin is fully entitled to be.... a place that, well... long story short? she's a fucking moron. there's no way she could ever have us removed, as we are not coming within even one hundred feet of her and we are giving the freaking shop LOADS of business. she's certainly big enough to be able to deal with people walking past. i enjoy the thought of how the conversation would go with security were she to ever attempt to have us removed... ORIGAMI: "yeah, i need you to remove those people.." SECURITY: "of course, ma'am, what have they done?" ORIGAMI "well, they're walking around freely, not speaking to me or anyone AND purchasing things, which brings the shop business." mmhmm. good luck with THAT Origami!
FRIDAY... BWEE! BWEE!!! his divorce is final!
The Courteeners
Jim Gaffigan
doing yardwork
when LaDonna comments on stuff... so, my sister rarely comments on stuff and even more rarely expresses much emotion, but sunday i woke to find that she had commented on my page saying the following re: our mum's death: "Mom's birthday for some reason I do not find as difficult. Always the day of her death. Always Mothers Day. Always Christmas. Always Thanksgiving. Always every single day. Spring, summer, winter, and fall. There is not a day that goe...s by that she has not entered my thoughts. With a death there are always regrets. There are always should haves or could have been. The day of her death will always fall heavy on my mind and heart. It is so vivid as if I could reach out and grasp it and possibly change it. But I can't. HD and I rushed back from Grand Junction Saturday the 27th. I spent a few hours with her that evening. Sunday the 28th, I spent some time off and on with her. Monday the 29th I did not go to work and spent time with her off and on. That same day the doctor told Grandma and Grandpa and me that she was doing great. Tuesday the 30th I went to work, then HD and I decided to go to the movie that evening. Mom had left a frantic message, which did not alarm me much because I was used to her frantic calls. Wednesday the 31st first thing, I tried to call her room. No answer. I figured busy with doctors, running tests, bathroom, etc. I was going to go see her on my lunch hour, and could not due to the work schedule. After work, changing my cloths to go visit her and recieved the call that I was not expecting. Not that day or any day ever for that matter. Seeing mom for what I knew would be the last time, was extremely hard. I did not want to leave. Deep down thinking if I never left her room, then she would always be. That somehow this cruel misunderstanding of mom lying there not breathing would suddenly change. She would simply be sleeping. I did not ever want to leave, knowing I would never touch her skin, see her face, hold her, touch her hair, or simply be with her. I wanted to hold on to that moment forever. Mom's room had a huge window with a wonderful view, without any obstructions. After the first hour or so, standing at the foot of her bed, feeling so detached from life and everyone, I started to notice the most beautiful sunset taking place. It filled the window completely and seemed to engulf the room and all of the sadness until the darkness engulfed the our time. I missed so much in life with her. There was so much left unsaid,and I will never be able to share the many things in my life with her." this meant something so huge to me and sent me into fits of weepy that were completely not welcome at half past five in the morning, but very much needed for me to know i'm not alone.
Muffin's laugh
hot towels
Inception
when Muffin says cutesy things... ie: last night. we were laid on the sofa watching a film when he started sniffing my shoulder very animatedly. i asked him what the hell he was doing and what my shoulder smelled like and he looked at me, stating in between whiffs, "i don't know... it's weird... like... envy? the envy of every girl?" to which i sqee'd in response and writhed, smothering him in kisses.
Julie Padley... and the fact that we will be having a serious playdate next thursday in san francisco. Muffin and i will arrive and we will eat curry, go to the sea, visit the science museum and take a shit-ton of photos. the excitement is astronomical. i can't WAIT to see her tiny face again!
driving
Burger King
freaking BAGEL SANDWICHES
banana peppers
Cosmo
Booger and his bone... so, my dog has a bone that's nearly as big as him. a bone that he carries around the house in a maniacal fashion, attempting to find a hiding spot for it. it's adorable, and also completely impossible to get a photo of. once i get one, you will see it and glee just as much as i do every time.
Reba
pastrami
Ace of Base
creating mega-mixes
reassurance
having a wank in a hot bath
doing laundry
DIY
play-doh
 
i'm pretty sure that's it. have a lovely week guys. and please, don't hate me if i'm too consumed by california next week to blog, but instead be thrilled that as soon as i am free, i will be posting the most wonderfully fun blog EVER!

<3

The only frontier left now is the heart

Dear You...

i never thought i would have to write this.

this goodbye.

it's more painful than i ever thought it could be, but the nights are getting longer due to the weather and i need to let you out of my head so it'll hurt less in the lengthening hours.

i am writing it and posting it here knowing you will most likely never read it, but also knowing that you, in a bout of rage or emotion or whatever it was, told me you never wanted to see me or speak to me ever again. those harsh words, usually reserved for playground tantrums and menstruating spouses, have been adhered to for just over a month now.

most days and nights i can't watch films or look at photos or listen to songs because of you. because of our history.

it is almost as if more than half of my senses are completely useless because all they do is make me want to die. everything reminds me of you and our friendship and i miss it so much.

some days i have to completely eradicate any thoughts of you from my house, putting the kibosh on any of your music and any films or meals that you and i might have shared for fear that if i were to encounter any of these forbidden things on that particular day, i might fall into a heap of something weepy, painful and all together awful that i don't want to experience.

the nights that i actually do sleep are typically filled with dreams of me seeing you again, sometimes with them bringing light at the end of the tunnel and you being kind and hugging me. other times, most times, you are horrible to me and make me cry so hard in my dreamy sleep that i  rouse with tears in my eyes and nothing to hold on to because Muffin doesn't understand this kind of loss.

god knows he tries. he really tries to listen. i've explained my feelings and emotions to him over and over again and i'm afraid that even now, nearly three months later, he still cannot fully understand more than that i am hurting and have to cry from time to time. he's not experienced a loss like this, so i don't expect him to understand. he holds me, and that's good enough most of the time.


i wonder if you too struggle. if you too find yourself avoiding certain films on the shelf for fear of the memories it will recreate for you.  i'm most scared that you don't feel like i do. that you don't care that this friendship we had is completely gone and has been for over a month now.

am i so disposable that not having me there is the same as having me there?

did all the things you and i go through over the last six years mean nothing more than what a letter and a messy bedroom could easily destroy?

it seems that way. and that hurts.

just know that i miss you. god i miss you so much. i miss your voice and face and kindness. you don't have to stop being kind. please don't.

i heart you squishy. so much.

heart,
dan

happy seven months dan and dane...

it was just like Manface all over again.

i know i've promised not to use that name again, but the feelings i've just gone through, just now, they are very, exactly similar to the ones that i felt when she, Christopher's new female was still referred to as Manface. i do apologize if you are reading this ANNA, because i really, honestly have no harsh feelings towards you, the feelings i had in the beginning have shifted dramatically and i really don't mean to offend, it's just the only way i know how to describe what i'm feeling. what i've just felt.

we were snuggled on the sofa after a deliciouso Arby's din din, watching a film and enjoying the fact that we've been together for seven months when Origami decided to text and say she wanted to finally pay him her half of the mobile bill, so could they meet up. she wanted to meet at Wal-Mart, so he said okay and asked if i wanted to go.

i didn't WANT to go, but i DID need butter and eggs and to SEE. it's a morbid fascination i had with ANNA and one that i have with Origami. it's a very unhealthy way of helping validate myself as prettier and better if i can SEE her and compare myself to her physical demeanor. i really, REALLY know it sounds bad... i don't need anyone to tell me. it's childish and petty and stupid, but it makes me feel better in myself, which is something i really need at the moment. it's something i should really work though in a more constructive manner, but really, who's it hurting? apart from nobody?

yeah, just as i thought.

in any event, every time i get the chance to SEE Origami, i never actually seize the opportunity. i always chicken out and end up bumbling around like a lost child until Muffin's ready to pay attention to me.

anyways, back to the Mart of Wal...

we drove. images of what the transaction would look like danced around in my mind... what i would do. i kept asking him what he wanted me to do. typically, he just likes for me to hide away as much as possible so as to protect HER from having to see ME. as if that happening might somehow cause a horrific, world-destroying event that nobody would survive from.

i finally decided that it would most likely play out like some seedy drug deal where he walks up to her car, taps on the window three times, in a special code where she would roll her window down 3/4 of an inch to edge the money out and then they would part ways... that was the easiest way for me to see it happening. as little contact as possible.

my imagination failed me.

instead, we parked two sections away from her car and i agreed i would go into the shop and pick up my baking goods and he would meet me after the transaction.

i started to prance in and he walked towards her car, where she was apparently absent, so he walked towards the store. we walked together, a "safe" distance apart and he stopped just at the entrance and said he was going to call her and he'd meet me after he got the money from her.

i pranced to the dairy section, half-hoping to see her somewhere on my way, but not knowing what i would do if i DID see her beyond KEEPING walking. everytime i saw a larger-framed girl my brain became alarmed and i walked a little bit faster until i was almost jogging through the pumpkins, onions and courgettes towards my goal-items.

i picked up my necessities, pleased with the EXCELLENT deals i had found and happy with the money we would be saving by shopping at Wal-Mart instead of Albertsons. i walked at a steady pace to the front of the store, hoping that if i walked slowly enough they would be finished and we could make our purchases and leave.

i walked past the beverage aisle, kinda thinking of grabbing some hot cocoa, but deciding against it and continuing forward, beyond the Oreos and hideous women's clothing.

i walked to the front of the store and across the front of all the aisles, trying to find Muffin when, directly in the middle of the store, i saw him. i saw him and a short female in front of him that i knew immediately as her due to her purple cardigan, masses of dark hairs and short frame. i rushed past, hoping they didn't see me... worrying that Muffin would think i was spying on them. i walked to the pet aisle where i searched for special presents i would be purchasing for my dog in the near future and pondered purchasing more fish.

after perusing a long enough time, i decided to meander to the wool section, which is positioned very near to where they were, SURE that by that time, they would be finished. i walked down the aisle parallel to the one they were stood at four minutes earlier when i saw them again... he was leaned against an end-cap and she was stood within two footsteps of him... i cast my gaze over her so quickly that i didn't register anything about her except how short she was. my stomach became tense again, worried he had seen me and would, again, think i was spying...

i really wasn't. i just felt lost and awkward and had no idea what to do... in a store about twenty times the size of our house and full of no less than two hundred people, i felt completely alone. i felt tense and wished i could sit... wished i could just put my baking goods down and leave... wished i could do ANYTHING but have to avoid that one stupid section of the shop, JUST IN CASE she saw me and did whatever it is that she might or might not do.

i set my next destination to the mobile phone section, so i could look at refills for my phone when, upon reaching the video games, i realized that they were RIGHT THERE, STILL talking. i paused and looked at Fallout New Vegas before becoming incredibly panicky again and tossing the game down and rushing back to the pet section.

i looked at the fish again for another two minutes and then walked towards the front of the store. they were gone, which was good, but now, my boyface, only friend in washington and ride home was missing. i bumbled around with my eggs and butter until i saw him. we paid and left.

as we walked out he just kept repeating that it was awkward... i asked why and he said he didn't know. this happened three times before i said, "well, you either need to tell me why it was awkward or stop saying it, because it's doing no good and obviously you WANT to talk, but if you're not going to then please stop." or something along those lines...

he kinda told me some things and then, for some reason, announced to me that he kept a five-foot distance from her the entire time. i told him that it didn't look like it to me to which he replied, 'fuck off."

nice .

so, there we are. after a lovely seven-month anniversary day featuring him making me breakfast and us going on a workout date, we got to pander to his estranged wife and then come home to him holed-up in his "beat lab" playing guitar loudly and doing whatever else it is that he does in there...

and here i am. i guess i'll go crochet or something.

in 100 days...

In 100 days I will not have to worry about when my citizenship will be coming through.  
In 100 days I will not have to worry about whether I have enough money to get the bus to work.
In 100 days I will not have to worry about when I will purchase my ticket back or how I will get to the airport… 
 In 100 days all I will need to worry about how how good I look when I land and the first thing I will say when I see him again.

In the next 100 days I will be running in a constant state of change… like some sort of… oh god, I don’t know… what changes? Like some sort of insecure, sassy teenage girl about to go out on her first date. THAT is how much my life will be changing every single day until I leave for america. 

Because of all the changes that have been taking place, there are many things it is worth stating here and now, so as to eliminate any confusion, worry or stress… but also to perhaps accidentally break a few hearts and step on a few toes; for this, i apologize in advance... i apologize because i never MEAN to hurt anyone and never make my decisions as a deliberate attempt to upset, but occasionally, these decisions DO hurt and upset and i can't help it. 

right... let's cut to the chase, hey?  Stop dilly-dallying and get on to the meaty bits. 

So, we all know retardstacey’s moving out, yes? If you’ve been reading my blog, you know that she is a fooking lazy, childish idiot who refuses to grow up, so in an effort to remain ‘independent,’ she has decided to move in with her brother and live rent-free until she can ‘get herself back on her feet.’ Awesome. Well, the aftermath of THAT fabulous little trainwreck left me feeling fairly fragile, cranky and generally a mess. For several days I meandered around work, home and town with little or no aim or drive… not engaging in much and most certainly not getting excited about much. I was often so frustrated that I was brought to tears. 

This slump lasted a total of five days… five days of Muffin constantly trying to reassure me and five days of me sleeping little or none. 

On the second day I became desperate…  desperate and drunk. I was out and decided the best plan of action would be to sit down at a table with ANNA, who happened to be at the same locale as me and invite HER to come live with me… now, whilst I am admit this was not my brightest, most shining moment, it was a FAIRLY ingenious plan if you REALLY think about it… she moves in, lives with me for two-and-a-half months* and then I move back to america, leaving room in the house for Mr. Butcher to move back in. EVERYONE wins! I get a lodger, she gets a place to live and he eventually gets to move back into the house that he loves. Her reluctance was drunkenly greeted by my shining explanations of how amazing I am to live with and how much I bake, crochet and how little I am actually in the house. I was then drawn away from the table for another drink (which I CLEARLY needed) and nothing more was said. 

And on the sixth day I saw light. I saw light in the shape of Pow… I agonized over the possibility of having to ask a favour of anyone… I HATE asking favours. There is no other time I in the WORLD that I feel more tense than when I am about to ask someone for a favour. I agonized for the entirety of the day, texting Pow, advising him that I would need his full attention when we spoke next because I had something INCREDIBLY important to discuss with him. I arrived at his house with a hug and sat. I took a valium because I was full of shaky and needed to calm the crap down. The conversation quickly turned to how my housemate search was getting on… I got into a tizzy and said it was horrific… that the best offer I had had was from a forty-five year-old unemployed Indian man, who I was clearly not going to let move into my house. Before I could begin my VERY carefully-crafted speech about how well we work together and how much I love him he stopped, looking very much like an angel with dusk's light shining from behind him as he stood in the doorway of his kitchen, both hands holding mugs of tea with steam rising erratically out of it due to the breath coming out of his mouth as he uttered the words, ‘well, if all else fails, you KNOW you can come live here with me until you go.’ 

WOOOOOSH. The wave of stress IMMEDIATELY washed away and I wanted to hop up and kiss his big, beautiful squishy face… instead, I said that THAT was why I had come over and I had been preparing a speech and could I PLEASE still give it? 

I gave my speech, we laughed and then discussed where my things could go, what room I could stay in, how we could skype between rooms and how much rent I would pay. The whole time we sat on the sofa talking I just wanted to hug him and cry… all the stress in the world was completely gone and it was all thanks to my big squishy-face. I kept my composure and we said that if I hadn’t found anybody by the 26^th then we would begin preparations for me moving in... the search continues. 

Once I had calmed down I went to set up his webcam (so’s I can continue to be his PA and bff whilst I am overseas) and then we chatted with Muffin. It was Pow’s first time using a webcam and he was a little tiny ball of excitement… grabbing as many props as possible, attempting to entertain Muffin in any way he could find. We did that for a while, made the image you can see on the left there at the request of Muffin and then i went home. 


so, despite many possibilities, it seems that the only people looking for a place to live at the moment are either unemployed, eighteen (i've learned my lesson, NOT happening again) or just don't have the money to pay the rent needed to live here... i've had three people look at the house with no luck yet... i have a couple of people booked-in for next week, but if, by tuesday things haven't come to a head i will begin packing my bags to travel across town to live with my bff for nine weeks. 

nine weeks of relief, fun and hopefully as little stress as possible. nine weeks of whittling my life down to a small enough nub to fit it onto a plane, leaving the little bits all over Pow's house. 

as has been noted very briefly in my last blog, i want to make sure that i go over the fact again that in 100 days i will be flying... the date has changed because the thought of being away from Muffin for much longer than that kills me... actually kills small parts of me. i look at him now and it just fucking aches that i can't put my arms around him. it makes my body actually feel physical pain to know that he is 3,000 miles away and it is not possible to go all Master Fantastic on him and reach over to Iraq and pick him up and snuggle him.


so, because of distance, because of time and because my tiny heart is so, SO sick of hurting, i will fly direct into Seattle in 100 days and be greeted by my Muffin FINALLY with the knowledge that this is for forever. we will NOT be forced to part due to the ARMY or a treatment facility or anything... we will finally be allowed to be together, just the two of us, for the rest of our lives if we so choose. the prospect of this makes me so ecstatic. 


when he muses with me about picking me up and tells me that he will be 'driving me home,' it makes my heart do a little hoopity dance that i can't help but love. i adore him and i adore everything that we will be doing together. 


so in the next 100 days i will  be existing in a flurry of downsizing, packing, working on johnny, creating things, getting tattoos and kissing faces. i will be saying 'see you later' to a lot of people, not always knowing if it will be the last time i will see them again before i leave. 


sigh, it's all so huge and fabulous. i can't WAIT to prance back to america for my year-long trip... i can't WAIT to finally see ashley again and see her get married. i can't WAIT to meet Muffin's family and see the sea from an american shore... i just can't WAIT to explore a new life.

it doesn't have to be beautiful...

Well hello Tuesday… I must first apologise for neglecting you… I have been in no fit state of mind to be able to type out a list of things that I love for the last three weeks. I feel like this week I have to, not for anyone else, but for me… I need to be able to see a tangible list of things in my life that are good and are worth smiling for…
The last four days have left me feeling like I’ve been kicked down and beaten up… I feel fragile, used, broken and like I am dealing with all the junk going on in my life all alone.
The bulk of my stress/sad/blah comes from the fact that Stacey (housemate and big, fat lazy pig extraordinaire) has decided to tell me that she’s had her hours cut and that she will be moving out of the house in the next three weeks. Awesome. This has left me feeling frustrated and hard-done-by for many, MANY reasons, the biggest being the fact that when I was her age, I was living on my own in a flat and working two jobs which saw me awake from eight at night until half past four the next afternoon… I was working these two jobs happily to pay my rent and save up to move continents.
Clearly, though… the prospect of living for oneself is just a little too much for our dear Stacey to deal with… clearly it is easier for her to just to go live with her brother when she hits a spot of trouble claiming she wants to ‘be independent.’
Oh yes, I can absolutely see how she would feel independent by deciding to immediately run back to her family the second she sees any slight hint of crisis… and I can totally see how independence is gained by being unwilling to get a job collecting glasses at a local pub two nights a week to make up the difference of the hours being cut…
She attempted to talk it down by saying that her hours might get put back up again to which I said, ‘well, then let’s work it out so you just pay a third of the rent and bills until then…’ 
Her reply was to the effect of, ‘but I was planning to enrol in uni anyways…’
‘Yes, but it is FAR too late to be able to enrol for this year now, Stacey… you won’t be able to start until next year.’
‘errrrrrrr…’ **retarded, distant gaze**
So, whilst I was initially sad about the prospect of being forced to leave my favourite house in the world, I am now just disgusted with the fact that I have allowed someone into my life that has absolutely no drive to better themselves in the face of any form of adversity. I should have seen it from the beginning, when she came to look around and all she cared about when I asked if she had any questions was if I liked to party… I should have seen the signs immediately when the pink, wooden ‘GURLZ ONLY’ sign went on her door and when she told me that she didn’t actually have a bank account. But no, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and she has royally screwed me.
Now, I sit in wait, wondering what the heck I am going to do with myself… how I am going to find someone to move in with such short notice and how, if I can’t find someone to move in or somewhere to move that soon, I will pay the rent next month with enough money to eat or feed chevy.
Now, because I’m NOT a retard, I know that I can get a second job, which I will be enquiring about in the very near future… checking in at the local pubs and seeing about glass-collecting or generally pulling pints. Urgh. we’ll see.
Now, no castle of crap would be complete without a moat of fabulous stress… one could call it septic waste. A moat comprised of arguments with Muffin about molly, emotional conversations with the ex-husband and feelings of abandonment from her closest friend. I try quite hard to look beyond the moat at things further afield… things that are brighter and more made of win, but occasionally, I get a little stuck…
Let’s look at the horizon starting now… let’s see what beautiful things create the landscape of my life… 
courgette and chocolate chip bread
Fry’s Chocolate Cream chocolate bars… first bought in a moment of desperation whilst craving something of the cocoa variety during the later hours of a workies afternoon, this chocolate bar has supplied me now with countless happy afternoons… it’s beautifully bitter dark chocolate outer-layer gently snuggling the fondant centre… oh my LORD. Perfection!
Brother’s Toffee Apple Cider
hoovering
getting free tattoos
REALLY cold cans of cola
Dough Balls from Pizza Express
graph paper
talking to strangers
weird news articles
watching ‘Kick Ass’ with Pow
the Yeti I created for Pow’s advert with Dave
people-watching
colouring my hair
Bar One
Coke Zero
belching
Nick Parker
days that are sunny but  cool outside
having an undercut
live music
the feeling of my tummy growling
how well Pow and I work together
how different my handwriting can be on any given day
creamy cocktails
the fact that I passed my test
lovely texts from Pow
my red scarf
cinnamon
nice conversations with Chris
feeling loved
baby horses
John Goncalves
Valium sleeps
Jim Carrey 

Buddy, the dog from Bar One
being licked by dogs
Franny 
The Queen
homemade foccaccia bread
cinema dates
really good talks with Pow
hanging out with the tattoo boys
good bass lines
Guildhall Market
the smell of Pow's house
the fact that i have made a (good) name for myself within many communities... it only really hit me when i've gone out the last several times and found that people who i've never met know of me and call me by name as the cupcake lady or Honeybun... it pleases me and makes me feel like perhaps i've accomplished something wonderful, no matter how small.
karaoke
Acropolis greasy spoon
seeing people's reactions when i change my haircolour
when Pow sings improvised songs to me
Come Dine With Me
morbid taxidermy
carbonated water
my ipod
audio-typing
rows of daffodills
baby's breath flowers
getting flowers from Muffin... mmm, yes, this lucky little girl got another collection of flowers from the love of her life... flowers featuring lilies and baby's breath... they were the perfect addition to a day that was originally made of fail.
crocheting tiny zoo creatures
my house
knowing i'm leaving for Seattle in 108 days... yes, plans have changed again... big plans, but  i think it will be for the best. danie will be leaving england and flying directly into Seattle on the 26th of August... not to fret though, my tiny wyoming creatures, we will be driving out for a week-long stay and then i will be flying out again for another two weeks after that for OMGBEASTWEDDING! it is exciting but making me fucking tense to think that i have JUST over 100 days to square all the crap in my life away... fuck.
realizing i'm a strong person

 the ducks... yes, my current favourite thing in the world... the ducks... for weeks... perhaps months i have been planning my newest tattoo... three ducks that are the very kitchy symbol of hilda ogden from Coronation Street. these ducks would be my tattoo to mark myself becoming an english citizen... these ducks would also go on my head. the tattoo itself took place two weeks ago... janey, Pow and i had a sleepover the night before and attended breakfast in the morning in preparation for my newest ink babies. i was more nervous for this tattoo than i had ever been for any tattoo ever, in my life. sitting in the chair waiting to have the transfers placed on my scalp i was shitting myself... concerned i might vomit right there on the floor of the tattoo shop. transfers on i settled into the seat and for the next four hours i was in a state of shock for how little having a needle scraped across my scalp hurt. once it was finished i was alarmed again by how little it hurt and how quickly it had healed... within one week it was nearly completely  healed... no scabbing, little flaking and omgsomuch wonderful. i love them so much! 

Dear Anonymous part two....

i am fairly certain you are the sole reason that my manager's manger's manager called me into work post-closing-time today and i must say, i do not appreciate it, even a tiny bit.

the accusations that have been flung are far-fetched, detrimental to my job and lies.

why would you do that to someone?

Dear Anonymous....

whilst i DO appreciate your avid interest in my blog, and i do enjoy your very crude and childish attempts to rile me, your efforts are in vain.

i have got many better things to do with my life than to wrap myself up in what some petty individual thinks of me. i am sure you have your reasons for having done what you have done and again, i appreciate the input, but please know that i am not going to allow you to publicly troll me on my blog. if you have things to say that you feel are relevant and hard-hitting, please, by all means, email me. i open my inbox to you.

although i do have what i believe to be a fairly good guess as to who you are, if you would prefer to remain nameless, please create a new email account and contact me from there. you could even invent a really fun, sassy name to email me with. think of something good... wow me with your wit and excellence.

my lack of willingness to allow my 'so-called friends' to see the 'truth' as you preach it has nothing to do with you, in fact, it has everything to do with the fact that your words are poison and whilst some of the comments had ELEMENTS of truth in them, they are unnecessary and hurtful...

there are a total of about four people that read this particular blog, all of which know me fairly well, meaning that their views of me will not be tainted by your slander. it is unimpressive, petty, childish and just plain mean.  that being said, i hope you enjoyed your time in the spotlight, as there was at least one person who read one of your comments and delighted in it.

i am sorry to have removed all of your hard work from my blog. i appreciate that it must have taken you quite a long time and effort, as it seems that you read through each of those blogs to find something specific to attempt to jibe me with. really, i do apologize for having simply erased your work... again though, please feel free to email me and we can have a fun chat on there.

my email address is as follows:

starbutcher@gmail.com

i am fairly friendly and would LOVE to chat with you, my dear mystery reader.

the ball is in your court now my darling. i shall await your move.

i heart nothing today. nothing at all.

-enter rant-

I have just gotten so tired of the fact that most of my friendships are more-or-less one-sided. I put a lot of time and energy into all of my friendships only to find myself exhausted at the end of the day with nothing to show for it but a knackered phone bill and an empty facebook wall. It sounds stupid, but I am sick of people just taking all I have to give and then shutting down when I’ve gotten tired. People don’t call ME. I am almost always the one doing the calling, texting, planning, etc. It makes me feel like some saddo because I have no friends who care enough to ask ME when I want to hang out next… and very few friends who will come to MY house to watch films or whatnot. I hate that even what I consider to be my closest friends have only been to my house like, three times when I’ve been to theirs more than fifty. Why do I always have to be the one to put in the legwork? Why am I always the one who has to make the effort to make our friendship something worth having?

People tell me ‘oh dan, you are just such a good friend!’ you’re damn right I am! What else could you call a mug who enables you to never leave your house and asks ‘how high’ when you say ‘jump?’ I hate that so many of my friendships are like this. I wonder sometimes if I were to stop, would they notice… probably not… I’m just tired and want a break. I want someone to come to MY house to watch films or do crafts… I want someone to make ME things. I want someone to buy ME cakes!

Eh.

-end-

a letter to my consultant

yesterday i spend a great deal of time writing a letter to my consultant. it read as follows:

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Dr Denny,

i am writing in hopes that i might be able to achieve the level of support that i feel is needed given my circumstances.

over the last several years i have been seeing yourself and/or a GP regarding my depression and previously diagnosed Manic Depression (Bipolar Disorder). i have met with yourself approximately six times and your StR (Dr. Neena Irshad) once. quite possibly the third time i met with you, you told me that i was a 'weird case' regarding my manic depression and that you 'didn't know what to do with me,' which, i would hope you could understand, was a little disheartening and also quite unprofessional. you stated that despite my diagnosis, your 'weird' claim came from the fact that i had no desire to harm myself or others.

after you signed me off from work for one month at the end of 2007, i met up with you and you had stated that i seemed 'okay' and that i would not need to see you as much, but if i felt at any that i did, i was more than welcome to contact your secretary for an appointment. i returned for one more appointment approximately three months later where it was reiterated that i seemed 'okay' to you and that i did not need to see you for at least six months, if at all. i was apprehensive, but accepted this.

after approximately a month i began feeling down again. i contacted your secretary, sue turner, and she advised me that she would send out an appointment. after several weeks i received nothing. i contacted her once more, still to no avail.

as a result, i decided i wanted a 'second opinion' as it were. i went and spoke to my GP, Dr Girn and asked to see another consultant. he advised me of the fact that this would be fairly impossible due to the postcode divisions you have set up between yourselves and the practices across derby. i said that despite this, i wanted to see someone else. he said that he would arrange something and promised me via telephone after my appointment that within one week i would receive a letter from the Mental Health Trust referring me to another consultant. five weeks passed and i received nothing and had no telephone calls explaning why. i went back to my GP and he advised me that two weeks prior to me sitting in his office, you had met up with several other individuals to 'discuss my case' and it was decided that i would have to see you once more before being referred on. i explained that i desperately felt like i needed help. he advised that he would write you a letter and i should wait two weeks before contacting your secretary to arrange an appointment.

immediately after this appointment i contacted Cynthia Fern, who has stepped in during Sue's absence. i advised her that i would like it if she could arrange an appointment for me as soon as possible. she contacted me the following day offering me an appointment for the following week. i accepted.

at this appointment i explaned to you the problems i am dealing with and you advised me that you did not believe i had Manic Depression but that i had a 'Personality Disorder' and that all i needed was Psychotherapy. you claimed that the waiting list for Psychotherapy was a minimum of three months and 'you guessed you could' put me on the waiting list if i wanted. you claimed that medication changes were not needed, but could help with my agression problems. you clearly stated to me the changes in personality i might or might not face and the possible outcomes.

during this meeting, i felt very uncomfortable and as though you were unwilling to support me outside of very basic means. i felt that i had explaned some very serious problems i was facing and rather than assisting in any way, you suggested the things that would be easiest to do with the minimal amount of work or assistance on your behalf.

i am going to advise you once more what 'symptoms' i have been 'suffering' with for the last four/five weeks in hopes that you might have a serious think about what help you can offer me.

• feelings of complete hopelessness, worthlessness and apathy. i constantly feel as though i cannot do anything right, so i often do not bother doing anything outside of work bar watch telly. i have no desite to ever leave the house, eat, see or talk to friends or even cuddle my rabbit.
• i take no pleasure in doing anything i used to like anymore. including work.
• constant feelings of sadness. i cry all the time. if i had to put a period of time on it, i would say that i spend approximately three to five hours a day crying.
• i am constantly anxious, suspecious, paranoid and aggressive with people. i feel as though everyone is talking about me behind my back and i am always asking questions to try to 'get information' regarding this from them. i am always worried that people can see all my flaws all the time and are talking about them. this has become particularly difficult at work because i have constant fears that they are meeting to dicsuss firing me. my mind is constantly running on ways that i have done things wrong, ways i have made people antry or ways that i should do things better.
• i am still aggressive. i would say, if anything, i am much worse. i have spurred on many arguments with my husband and it is putting a massive strain on our relationship. i push him constantly and become overly moody with him. we have not had a 'good day' in over a month due to my mood. he tries but my fears of doing things wrong make me push him away. often times i will be come completely belligerent and begin crying and threatening him, resulting in me sobbing in a seperate room for several hours while he becomes increasingly frustrated.
• as a result of many of the problems, my husband has been trying to talk me through this reasonably which only winds me up and then makes me feel even more worthless and as a result i begin thinking about ways i could kill myself and why it would be better for him. these suicidal thoughts have been a constant for me for the last five weeks or so.
• i am very forgetful at the moment. often due to a combination of all of the above.
• i am not and have not been sleeping for the last three weeks. i have tried many things to aid me through the night but nothing has worked. things i have tried include Calms Forte, Melatonin, Horlicks and NyQuil. alongside these ingestible remedies, i have also tried sleeping on different beds in different rooms in the house as well as the couch.

i woudl appreciate it greatly if you could please take into account all of the above-stated 'symptoms' when choosing what to do with me next.

the troubles i am encountering are causing problems at work and within my home, which may result in a loss of both of them if not remedied or shown to be remedied soon.

if you still do not feel that i need help beyond Psychotherapy and increased medication, please let me know as soon as possible so i might request a second opinion again, request access to my Mental Health Records and possibly file a complain for the poor quality of service i have been supplied with in the time i have been an outpatient.

i am very aware of how different the Health Services run between here and America, and i am also aware that you are all very reluctant to assist unless you absolutely have to and i am telling you that i need your help to get better. my life is falling apart and i feel there is no way out. i have no means to pay for private care which would assuredly get me what i need, so i have to hope you and the rest of the truse as a whole will help me and get me through this.


Thank you.


Danielle Butcher.

Becoming whole again... Daily OM seems to know everything!

Becoming Whole Again
The Process of Grieving

When we experience any kind of devastating loss, whether it is the loss of a loved one, a dream, or a relationship, feelings may arise within us that are overwhelming or difficult to cope with. This sense of grief can also come up when we are separated from anyone or anything we have welcomed into our lives. And while it may feel like we are caught up in a never-ending spiral of sadness and emptiness, it is important to remember that the grief we are feeling is not a permanent state of being. Rather, grief is part of the process of letting go that in many ways can be a gift, allowing us to go deeper within ourselves to rediscover the light amidst the seeming darkness.

The emotions that accompany any kind of loss can be intense and varied. A sense of shock or denial is often the first reaction, to be replaced by anger. Sometimes this anger can be directed at your loved one for “abandoning” you; at other times you may feel outrage toward the universe for what you are enduring. And while there are stages of grief that people go through – moving from denial to anger to bargaining to depression to acceptance – the cycles of grief often move in spirals, sometimes circling forward and then back again. You may even experience moments of strength, faith, and laughter in between. While these emotions seem to come and go sporadically, it is important to feel them, accept them, and allow them to flow. With time, patience, and compassion, you will eventually find your centre again.

As we move through our grief, we may find ourselves reluctant to release our pain, fearing we are letting go of who or what we have lost. We may even regard our movement toward healing as an act of disloyalty or giving up. Know that while the hurt may fade, the essence of what you had and who you loved will have already transformed you and forever stay with you. If anything, once you are ready for the pain of your loss to subside, their memories can then live more fully within you. Remember, that healing is a part of the spiralling cycles of grief, and that in letting yourself feel restored again, you are surrendering to a natural movement that is part of the dance of life.'

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i came home yesterday to the above in my inbox... it seems that everything in the world knew that i would see what i saw friday night but me. it also seems that people i know and trust(ed) saw these these and decided to hide them before i saw them myself.

it was brought to my attention that someone may have seen him getting off with this female before i did (as, apparantly, it happened more than once friday night). this someone is a person i thought i could trust and someone that has shown his true colours as poop-coloured since the event occurred. whilst small gestures have been made, i was still left to deal with the fallout with strangers whilst he pranced off with the very female my husband got off with... i was still left to go home without any of my stuff because some more interesting and attractive female invited him to go to TK Maxx with him... i have now been left hanging as to when i will be getting my things from his house because he seems to enjoy ignoring me.

it's nice to know who your real friends are. you fucking put a lot of effort into making a friendship worth having and then when the chips fall and you need a bit of help, all that person cares about is themselves.
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i am now running around in limbo. chris is trying in vain to act like nothing happened. like he can go ahead and cuddle me and kiss me and that everything is fine. it isn't... it won't be for a long time, if ever. barely 24 hours have passed and all he can think about is when he will get his next shag. i just want to figure this all out. i don't want to be rash or make a decision i will regret.

i know why the caged bird sings....

and i really do, yes, i do.

i have been existing recently on a plane of emo with only one destination, 'depressionville.' well, the flight landed and despite the fact that i have been waiting around for a return flight, things have been alright. when i say 'alright' though, i mean... things have been better than awful. but only marginally.

WORK
i have been running through my days at work delighted by the antics of my co-workers and barely containing myself when my boss comes in. she was off all last week, so this week she had to make up for the fact that she was not able to harass and scruitinize everything i do for a week. on top of her regular mood, she had to have a verruca attacked on her foot which left her even chillier than usual. she was seemingly only barely holding on to her last breath long enough to limp into the office to make regular jabs at my work and to task me with making the coffee for meetings going on (which is NOT my fecking job and never will be). her mood only became bareable friday, when i had a 'supervision' meeting with her, which is basically a time for me to sit with her and raise any problems i am facing and to allow her time to outline any concerns she has with me and my work... i pranced into the office with only concern due to the fact that everything i had done the prior four days had been wrong. OMG was i surprised when she came out with nothing but beautious delight RE: me and how amazingly splendid i am at getting things done and she would like to see me get some qualifications paid for by the trust. once our meeting was over she then proceeded to hobble to every office on our floor and offer to buy ice creams.
a big perk regarding my working life is that i have decided that since i am getting no 'customer contact' as it were, at my current job, i am going to chase this outside of work hours. due to this epiphany, i have applied for a part time job at LUSH. hooray!

Husband
eh, today has been splendid, but the big chunks of my time with chris are consumed by him telling me how crap i am. we had a lovely night the other night where he decided to display his frustration with me by slamming doors and punching them only to stop periodically to advise me of what a crazy bitch i am. let me tell you, i was incredibly impressed by this display. oh yes. he has decided that the best route to making our relationship better is to start having sex every day for two weeks. two days down and i mostly only want to die. i'm just not feeling it at the moment. the way he acts leaves a lot to be desired when it comes to my lady bits. he has really been trying though, which i can see... but he has been trying so much that a lot of it is coming across as patronizing and suffocating. it really is taking its toll on me. i'm just trying to figure out what is happening in my head as fast as i can to make a conscious decision about us.

alastair
whilst the biggest chunk of this has been amazing... there have been some iffy moments where i have felt like he just cannae handle having any responsibility or a schedule for doing things. this theory has most certainly been blown out of the water though, as of wednesday... wednesday found me showing up at alastair's for swimming purposes only to find his face full of glee and pleased... he asked me when he opened his door, had i gotten his message... i hadn't. he squeeled a bit and told me that he had made it to the final 50 for the orange unsigned competition! he had been living on wee pins and needles for the last several weeks, worrying if he was going to make it through or not... i knew he would. it seems as though that phone call from the orange people turned his switch to 'on' and he has really hit into a phase of wanting to get things done. as a result, we have kicked the work on his photo comic, 'johnee scisszazzz' into overdrive. i have now taken on the task of being his wee little PA, which means i will be generally helping his keep with deadlines and generally ensuring everything gets done. along with my PA duties, i have also decided to help ali with some of the costumes... one of which will be for the hero of the story who will, for a part of the story, be wearing a mask made of human skin, which i will be creating with pig skin. i am more excited than anything ever for this. i will be going and picking up the skin tuesday afternoon and will begin the curing process wednesday morning.
generally, i am really feeling quite fulfilled with this task. it gets me out of the house and lets me associate with a group of new people that seem to all be delightful.

mostly, that is everything. all my life is surrounded by work, husband and alastair at the moment.

i will be performing some baking tasks tomorrow, which will delight and mystify all. watch this space.

was i ever yours, were you ever mine?

firstly, meh.

i have been busy but not all at the same time the last week. work is still made of teh suck. it was nice because my boss (known from here on out as satankim) was out on holiday... as a result, everyone kept prancing in and chatting to me. i learned a lot about people, the biggest revelation being that i am not the only person who hates satankim. she rubs everyone the wrong way and everyone there thinks i should get out as fast as i can as working for the NHS is for the elderly and bitter. apparantly, i am a previous creature who should not let herself become tainted by the NHS and the horrors that inhabit it. so, as a result, i have been searching like a madwoman for a new job. no fruit has been born yet, but i am feeling confident.

i haven't been swimming in a few days as it seems that i have one of the most unreliable swimming buddies ever. we had a tiny bit of a falling out, actually... but only tiny. i am generally the most excited communicator ever in the world. i love to send emails and texts and IM's and the lot. especially lately, since i have been feeling so off, i have really been leaning on the support of people that will give me the time of day (ali, anna, eddie). ali has been ill for a few days and since he has been ill i have sent him a couple of texts and emails just letting him know that i am thinking about him and asking how he is. it seems though, that that was too much for him and now he is just not talking to me and has just generally been off.

it just feels like, especially with ali, that i have really been pushing myself to help him... making a lot of phone calls, helping him with his comic, tidying his house, spending time with him, swimming, giving him my old mobile so he has something to take photos with... it just seems like now he has gotten what he wanted, he is just dropping me. just cannae be bothered now he has leeched as much out of me that he can.

it really hurts, you know? i am really struggling now and i could REALLY use his support and just some hugs or ANYTHING... much like what i did for him, but he just won't. he is 'too sick' to hang out now. apparently not too sick to stay up until five in the morning posting photos of himself or anything, just too sick to have a friend who needs some TLC away from home around for a cup of tea.

it's nice to know that people are aware of what friendships are really for. i just need a friend, you know? just someone who isn't lame or unreliable. just someone who will actually do what they say and not take for granted the things that are being given to them.

relationship things are meh. we have a wondrous fight every night before bed, which is nice, because i hate sleeping anyways. he is just being overbearing and stressful to deal with and really pushing me away.

bleh. i gotta tidy. mr winn is going to be here soon.

will post more soon, i suspect.

the universe seems to like lying

The only person you really have to make happy, Danie, is you.

Good thing you're so cool -
The Universe
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yeah, what a load of fucking bollocks that is. how cool can someone be if they don't know how to fix relationships or make someone happy?

i don't have any idea what i am doing now. no idea... i feel like some sort of horrible vessel that has been left alone at sea, bobbing and alone to fend for itself whilst the salt of the sea (my tears) destroy the strength that this vessel used to hold.

sound like a load of emo bollocks? yeah, it fucking is but i don't know how else to display it other than to spew emo bullshit. i feel like all the cliche things that emo people are made of... i want to just sit and cry and look at old photos and mostly just fall apart.

eh. the one fucking thing in my life i was hoping would remain consistent has fucked me off today. the one fucking day i really needed it. cheers for that sol! i appreciate what a support you have been in my time of need when i was so fricking rock-solid in yours.

what is the point?

i heart things and things tuesday and other things that don't have SO much to do with hearting

i heart some things this week. to be honest though, it would be much easier for me to be able to list the things i HATE. i have toyed with the idea of having a 'i HATE things and things' day but the first and last thing on that list would be that i hate the idea of that! i hate the negativity associated with it and refuse to ever let people make me lists of things that they hate. so, in keeping with the tuesday spirit...


Danie hearts things and things... it's true!
i heart planning and proceeding with a brilliant dye job on my hairs!
i took the wool out of my hair last wednesday due to the horrible amount of fighting it was doing with my real hairs and was at a loss of what to do with my hairs. they were blonde and looked boring and tired. then, lo and behold! i stumbled across a 99p hair 'casting creme' that made my hairs jump with glee and so i promptly made friends with it and pranced home to make my hair brown again with blonde streaks. i was suitably unhappy with said streaks of light horror, so i delved into the cupboard and made the pink participate and it did... BEAUTIFULLY!!


i heart tattoos!
yesterday featured pain and glee in the shape of a wee fox. for the last several weeks, when i would go into the shop mel would hassle me for another chance to hurt me. this is due to the fact that she has been taken on as one of the new apprentices underneath kevin. thus, she wants to offer as much pain to me as possible and i do so happily, as i am just SO excited to have an 'amy winehouse arm' this is a feat i have achieved quite brilliantly thus far, and am pleased to say will be progressing into a full on sleeve with time.

the fox was the new addition. it is the first of my tattoos that i refer to as a girl, which pleases me to no end.

i heart swapping things internationally!!
in the past couple of days i have had the intense desire to participate in communities that feature international swaps of crafting items, cakes, sweets and kwaii goodness. due to this desire... no, NEED, i have attacked livejournal and found a few willing souls to make nice with me and send me delights from places like spain, morocco and malaysia. the excitement that has mounted up due to this has become almost completely unbearable. i cannae wait!!

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overall, it has been a bit of a stressful week. it seems as though every person in the world has decided to be as rude and awful as possible to me. i had a horrible pakistani man shout at and berate me in the street yesterday due to my tattoos, had someone i work with continually interrupt me today, had a man shout at me on the phone and the pièce de résistance is the following series of emails i had from a man today. the background on this is that there is a local community for trading and getting rid of unwanted goods to people who DO want them. due to the fact that i am incredibly into salvaging as many things as possible, husband and i are friends with this site. i made a request for a SEGA Mega drive and some scrap fabric, which prompted the following response:

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Jack: Just read your 2 Wanteds, and not one please or thank you anywhere! I bet I'm not the only one to have messaged you about it either!

Moi:actually you are. thank you for being rude!!

i am sure i am not the first or the last person to not say please or thank you. i bet it makes you feel lovely to point that out to people. do you do that for fun?

Jack:
You're calling ME rude?! I always use manners when I post a Wanted. You, however,didn't.
No you're not the first but it doesn't cost anything to say please, especially when you're asking for expensive items.

Moi:

unfortunately, i am fully aware of the prices of the items i am looking for, which is why i am also aware of the fact that asking for them on a free site is not unreasonable. fortunately for you (and seemingly for myself), we are seperate entities and the fact that i have not said please and/or thank you on these three occasions (out of the approximate 20 or 30 that i have done... good statistics i might say, as very few things in the world today can offer you 9 in 10 chances of being perfect everytime) has no baring on you or your personal life.

perhaps you should worry about your own life, like how you feel it is necessary to contact a complete stranger and berate them with the thought that you, and your self ritious-ness is the almighty truth.

please, get a life and leave me alone.

Jack:
exactly when your asking complete strangers say PLEASE OR THANK YOU.......now ill leave you alone.....

Moi:

you should have left me alone to begin with love, as i am now going to have to report you.

it was not your business to come to me in such a rude way to advise me of my need to say please and thank you. you are not my husband or my father.

bare that in mind when in the future you want to harass innocent strangers.

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i just heart how delightful some people can be.

alongside these lovely gems, our party yielded the information that chris' mum had to be admitted to hospital due to a possible heart attack. i told him he had to go see her, so he left and i was thus thrust into the lifestyle of a bachelor for four days. it was horrible and the pining chevy and i participated in made us want to die. the 'heart attack' was downgraded to a coronary embolism which, i found out today only ended up being gas. it would have been a bit of worth while had my pining been for a heart attack of embolism, but as it stands, i am disgusted. but pleased that the mummy does not have anything to worry about.

husband was pleased to be able to see everyone. he hadn't been back to melksham for two years, so it really did him some good. he returned today and i have been gleeing around the house in a big sleepy haze.

the biggest and most distressing part of the week has been to see that a very special person in my life has decided to make a huge mistake and allow a creature back into her life which has wronged her to no end. i have seen her do it before with another beast, but the doings of this most recent creature have slayed her inner beautiful straight to the core. i am so disgusted when i see her prance around with him as though nothing has happened. it is just like, does she not realise what she is most likely getting herself into? feck's sake!!

grrr! i has a husband to go cuddle. hooray!