in 100 days...

In 100 days I will not have to worry about when my citizenship will be coming through.  
In 100 days I will not have to worry about whether I have enough money to get the bus to work.
In 100 days I will not have to worry about when I will purchase my ticket back or how I will get to the airport… 
 In 100 days all I will need to worry about how how good I look when I land and the first thing I will say when I see him again.

In the next 100 days I will be running in a constant state of change… like some sort of… oh god, I don’t know… what changes? Like some sort of insecure, sassy teenage girl about to go out on her first date. THAT is how much my life will be changing every single day until I leave for america. 

Because of all the changes that have been taking place, there are many things it is worth stating here and now, so as to eliminate any confusion, worry or stress… but also to perhaps accidentally break a few hearts and step on a few toes; for this, i apologize in advance... i apologize because i never MEAN to hurt anyone and never make my decisions as a deliberate attempt to upset, but occasionally, these decisions DO hurt and upset and i can't help it. 

right... let's cut to the chase, hey?  Stop dilly-dallying and get on to the meaty bits. 

So, we all know retardstacey’s moving out, yes? If you’ve been reading my blog, you know that she is a fooking lazy, childish idiot who refuses to grow up, so in an effort to remain ‘independent,’ she has decided to move in with her brother and live rent-free until she can ‘get herself back on her feet.’ Awesome. Well, the aftermath of THAT fabulous little trainwreck left me feeling fairly fragile, cranky and generally a mess. For several days I meandered around work, home and town with little or no aim or drive… not engaging in much and most certainly not getting excited about much. I was often so frustrated that I was brought to tears. 

This slump lasted a total of five days… five days of Muffin constantly trying to reassure me and five days of me sleeping little or none. 

On the second day I became desperate…  desperate and drunk. I was out and decided the best plan of action would be to sit down at a table with ANNA, who happened to be at the same locale as me and invite HER to come live with me… now, whilst I am admit this was not my brightest, most shining moment, it was a FAIRLY ingenious plan if you REALLY think about it… she moves in, lives with me for two-and-a-half months* and then I move back to america, leaving room in the house for Mr. Butcher to move back in. EVERYONE wins! I get a lodger, she gets a place to live and he eventually gets to move back into the house that he loves. Her reluctance was drunkenly greeted by my shining explanations of how amazing I am to live with and how much I bake, crochet and how little I am actually in the house. I was then drawn away from the table for another drink (which I CLEARLY needed) and nothing more was said. 

And on the sixth day I saw light. I saw light in the shape of Pow… I agonized over the possibility of having to ask a favour of anyone… I HATE asking favours. There is no other time I in the WORLD that I feel more tense than when I am about to ask someone for a favour. I agonized for the entirety of the day, texting Pow, advising him that I would need his full attention when we spoke next because I had something INCREDIBLY important to discuss with him. I arrived at his house with a hug and sat. I took a valium because I was full of shaky and needed to calm the crap down. The conversation quickly turned to how my housemate search was getting on… I got into a tizzy and said it was horrific… that the best offer I had had was from a forty-five year-old unemployed Indian man, who I was clearly not going to let move into my house. Before I could begin my VERY carefully-crafted speech about how well we work together and how much I love him he stopped, looking very much like an angel with dusk's light shining from behind him as he stood in the doorway of his kitchen, both hands holding mugs of tea with steam rising erratically out of it due to the breath coming out of his mouth as he uttered the words, ‘well, if all else fails, you KNOW you can come live here with me until you go.’ 

WOOOOOSH. The wave of stress IMMEDIATELY washed away and I wanted to hop up and kiss his big, beautiful squishy face… instead, I said that THAT was why I had come over and I had been preparing a speech and could I PLEASE still give it? 

I gave my speech, we laughed and then discussed where my things could go, what room I could stay in, how we could skype between rooms and how much rent I would pay. The whole time we sat on the sofa talking I just wanted to hug him and cry… all the stress in the world was completely gone and it was all thanks to my big squishy-face. I kept my composure and we said that if I hadn’t found anybody by the 26^th then we would begin preparations for me moving in... the search continues. 

Once I had calmed down I went to set up his webcam (so’s I can continue to be his PA and bff whilst I am overseas) and then we chatted with Muffin. It was Pow’s first time using a webcam and he was a little tiny ball of excitement… grabbing as many props as possible, attempting to entertain Muffin in any way he could find. We did that for a while, made the image you can see on the left there at the request of Muffin and then i went home. 


so, despite many possibilities, it seems that the only people looking for a place to live at the moment are either unemployed, eighteen (i've learned my lesson, NOT happening again) or just don't have the money to pay the rent needed to live here... i've had three people look at the house with no luck yet... i have a couple of people booked-in for next week, but if, by tuesday things haven't come to a head i will begin packing my bags to travel across town to live with my bff for nine weeks. 

nine weeks of relief, fun and hopefully as little stress as possible. nine weeks of whittling my life down to a small enough nub to fit it onto a plane, leaving the little bits all over Pow's house. 

as has been noted very briefly in my last blog, i want to make sure that i go over the fact again that in 100 days i will be flying... the date has changed because the thought of being away from Muffin for much longer than that kills me... actually kills small parts of me. i look at him now and it just fucking aches that i can't put my arms around him. it makes my body actually feel physical pain to know that he is 3,000 miles away and it is not possible to go all Master Fantastic on him and reach over to Iraq and pick him up and snuggle him.


so, because of distance, because of time and because my tiny heart is so, SO sick of hurting, i will fly direct into Seattle in 100 days and be greeted by my Muffin FINALLY with the knowledge that this is for forever. we will NOT be forced to part due to the ARMY or a treatment facility or anything... we will finally be allowed to be together, just the two of us, for the rest of our lives if we so choose. the prospect of this makes me so ecstatic. 


when he muses with me about picking me up and tells me that he will be 'driving me home,' it makes my heart do a little hoopity dance that i can't help but love. i adore him and i adore everything that we will be doing together. 


so in the next 100 days i will  be existing in a flurry of downsizing, packing, working on johnny, creating things, getting tattoos and kissing faces. i will be saying 'see you later' to a lot of people, not always knowing if it will be the last time i will see them again before i leave. 


sigh, it's all so huge and fabulous. i can't WAIT to prance back to america for my year-long trip... i can't WAIT to finally see ashley again and see her get married. i can't WAIT to meet Muffin's family and see the sea from an american shore... i just can't WAIT to explore a new life.

it doesn't have to be beautiful...

Well hello Tuesday… I must first apologise for neglecting you… I have been in no fit state of mind to be able to type out a list of things that I love for the last three weeks. I feel like this week I have to, not for anyone else, but for me… I need to be able to see a tangible list of things in my life that are good and are worth smiling for…
The last four days have left me feeling like I’ve been kicked down and beaten up… I feel fragile, used, broken and like I am dealing with all the junk going on in my life all alone.
The bulk of my stress/sad/blah comes from the fact that Stacey (housemate and big, fat lazy pig extraordinaire) has decided to tell me that she’s had her hours cut and that she will be moving out of the house in the next three weeks. Awesome. This has left me feeling frustrated and hard-done-by for many, MANY reasons, the biggest being the fact that when I was her age, I was living on my own in a flat and working two jobs which saw me awake from eight at night until half past four the next afternoon… I was working these two jobs happily to pay my rent and save up to move continents.
Clearly, though… the prospect of living for oneself is just a little too much for our dear Stacey to deal with… clearly it is easier for her to just to go live with her brother when she hits a spot of trouble claiming she wants to ‘be independent.’
Oh yes, I can absolutely see how she would feel independent by deciding to immediately run back to her family the second she sees any slight hint of crisis… and I can totally see how independence is gained by being unwilling to get a job collecting glasses at a local pub two nights a week to make up the difference of the hours being cut…
She attempted to talk it down by saying that her hours might get put back up again to which I said, ‘well, then let’s work it out so you just pay a third of the rent and bills until then…’ 
Her reply was to the effect of, ‘but I was planning to enrol in uni anyways…’
‘Yes, but it is FAR too late to be able to enrol for this year now, Stacey… you won’t be able to start until next year.’
‘errrrrrrr…’ **retarded, distant gaze**
So, whilst I was initially sad about the prospect of being forced to leave my favourite house in the world, I am now just disgusted with the fact that I have allowed someone into my life that has absolutely no drive to better themselves in the face of any form of adversity. I should have seen it from the beginning, when she came to look around and all she cared about when I asked if she had any questions was if I liked to party… I should have seen the signs immediately when the pink, wooden ‘GURLZ ONLY’ sign went on her door and when she told me that she didn’t actually have a bank account. But no, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and she has royally screwed me.
Now, I sit in wait, wondering what the heck I am going to do with myself… how I am going to find someone to move in with such short notice and how, if I can’t find someone to move in or somewhere to move that soon, I will pay the rent next month with enough money to eat or feed chevy.
Now, because I’m NOT a retard, I know that I can get a second job, which I will be enquiring about in the very near future… checking in at the local pubs and seeing about glass-collecting or generally pulling pints. Urgh. we’ll see.
Now, no castle of crap would be complete without a moat of fabulous stress… one could call it septic waste. A moat comprised of arguments with Muffin about molly, emotional conversations with the ex-husband and feelings of abandonment from her closest friend. I try quite hard to look beyond the moat at things further afield… things that are brighter and more made of win, but occasionally, I get a little stuck…
Let’s look at the horizon starting now… let’s see what beautiful things create the landscape of my life… 
courgette and chocolate chip bread
Fry’s Chocolate Cream chocolate bars… first bought in a moment of desperation whilst craving something of the cocoa variety during the later hours of a workies afternoon, this chocolate bar has supplied me now with countless happy afternoons… it’s beautifully bitter dark chocolate outer-layer gently snuggling the fondant centre… oh my LORD. Perfection!
Brother’s Toffee Apple Cider
hoovering
getting free tattoos
REALLY cold cans of cola
Dough Balls from Pizza Express
graph paper
talking to strangers
weird news articles
watching ‘Kick Ass’ with Pow
the Yeti I created for Pow’s advert with Dave
people-watching
colouring my hair
Bar One
Coke Zero
belching
Nick Parker
days that are sunny but  cool outside
having an undercut
live music
the feeling of my tummy growling
how well Pow and I work together
how different my handwriting can be on any given day
creamy cocktails
the fact that I passed my test
lovely texts from Pow
my red scarf
cinnamon
nice conversations with Chris
feeling loved
baby horses
John Goncalves
Valium sleeps
Jim Carrey 

Buddy, the dog from Bar One
being licked by dogs
Franny 
The Queen
homemade foccaccia bread
cinema dates
really good talks with Pow
hanging out with the tattoo boys
good bass lines
Guildhall Market
the smell of Pow's house
the fact that i have made a (good) name for myself within many communities... it only really hit me when i've gone out the last several times and found that people who i've never met know of me and call me by name as the cupcake lady or Honeybun... it pleases me and makes me feel like perhaps i've accomplished something wonderful, no matter how small.
karaoke
Acropolis greasy spoon
seeing people's reactions when i change my haircolour
when Pow sings improvised songs to me
Come Dine With Me
morbid taxidermy
carbonated water
my ipod
audio-typing
rows of daffodills
baby's breath flowers
getting flowers from Muffin... mmm, yes, this lucky little girl got another collection of flowers from the love of her life... flowers featuring lilies and baby's breath... they were the perfect addition to a day that was originally made of fail.
crocheting tiny zoo creatures
my house
knowing i'm leaving for Seattle in 108 days... yes, plans have changed again... big plans, but  i think it will be for the best. danie will be leaving england and flying directly into Seattle on the 26th of August... not to fret though, my tiny wyoming creatures, we will be driving out for a week-long stay and then i will be flying out again for another two weeks after that for OMGBEASTWEDDING! it is exciting but making me fucking tense to think that i have JUST over 100 days to square all the crap in my life away... fuck.
realizing i'm a strong person

 the ducks... yes, my current favourite thing in the world... the ducks... for weeks... perhaps months i have been planning my newest tattoo... three ducks that are the very kitchy symbol of hilda ogden from Coronation Street. these ducks would be my tattoo to mark myself becoming an english citizen... these ducks would also go on my head. the tattoo itself took place two weeks ago... janey, Pow and i had a sleepover the night before and attended breakfast in the morning in preparation for my newest ink babies. i was more nervous for this tattoo than i had ever been for any tattoo ever, in my life. sitting in the chair waiting to have the transfers placed on my scalp i was shitting myself... concerned i might vomit right there on the floor of the tattoo shop. transfers on i settled into the seat and for the next four hours i was in a state of shock for how little having a needle scraped across my scalp hurt. once it was finished i was alarmed again by how little it hurt and how quickly it had healed... within one week it was nearly completely  healed... no scabbing, little flaking and omgsomuch wonderful. i love them so much! 

here comes your tuesday...

Missed a week again, hey? I DO apologize. I have just been full of busy and win. There is just so much occurring in my beautiful little life at the moment that I can barely stand. This list promises to be an excellent one… excellent and meaningful, perhaps?

 ·       Janeyface… since my last list I have had a fabulous weekend of glee starring myself and janey. It was a beautiful weekend that saw us perform our usual opening scene of getting drunk immediately and watching youtube then we had tattootime, a meal out, some drinkies then MORE tattootime. I find it so wonderful that I have someone like janey in my life… someone I can be completely myself with. We talked about it in our drunken state (in between conversations about the tattoos we want to get on our scalps and how much we HATE carribean drinks), about how happy we are to have met one another. I tend to be the one to prompt this conversation lately, purely because I am reflecting a great deal on how amazingly wonderful my life is and I know that it is only this amazing because of the beautiful creatures in my life. Janey is a big one… someone who I can honestly be completely myself around. There is nothing I have to hide or dull down when I am with her, I can just be 100% myself and I love that about her. Her and I always have so much fun together and have all the best conversations. I simply adore every single little thing about her. She is so smart and funny and stunningly beautiful… roll on Friday for another drinking session and the pursuit of my soul mate!

·       Mini rolls

 ·       Pow Pow… again… I think it is safe to say that mostly every single list from now on will feature this boy. He’s just made of actual magic. Over the last several weeks we have become incredibly close… we talk most days and when we don’t talk, we text… he’s just… sigh, he’s like the amazingly beautiful brother that I never had. We are just constantly on the same wavelength and I love that about us… I love that he contacts me when he’s down or needs someone to talk to. I love that he cooked dinner for me last night (a night understandably dubbed our ‘MEAT date’ due to the large proportions of MEAT that we consumed. For dinner we had sausages and mash with a side of MEAT. Post-dinner we proceeded to consume large quantities of ice cream, crisps, chocolate, biscuits, gummy sweets and cola… It was glorious)… I love that he and I are working so closely on Johnny. I love that he wants me to meet his girlfriend. I love that he trusts me. I love that when he hugs me and looks at me I can tell that he loves me just as much as I do him. He’s just the most special person ever and I have absolutely no idea where I would be without him. He inspires so many things in me and makes me feel so brilliant… he’s just what I need most days. He grounds me and makes me feel okay when I could very easily be flying off the handles. I only hope that I do the same for him.

·       Telling people how proud I am of them and how much I love them… I am on a mission at the moment to make sure that people know how much they mean to me… I want everyone to know that and how proud I am of them. It is such a simple gesture that makes people feel so good. Try it sometime; it makes you feel good because you can make someone else feel good.

·       Valentine’s Day 2010… oh yes, this V-Day was made entirely of win. The celebrations started on the 8^th when I asked the muffin to be my valentine. He obliged and I started planning… I wrote up a list of policies and procedures to be adhered to as per his request and then went on a mission to find as many sweet, cute things to do as possible. The clock ticked over to me beginning an email to the muffin, the first of a specified minimum of four that were to be sent. My typing was interrupted by a series of texts from powface and then a phone call. He and I chatted for a while and planned our next date and then we said goodnight and I resumed typing an opus to the love of my life. I typed, attached a lovely photo and then fell into bed for a restful night of slumber. I woke several hours later to two emails in my inbox and a series of fabulous posts on my facebook (this is particularly delightful for me due to the fact that, as he is in the middle of as separation as well, he is attempting to be as discreet as possible about our ‘relationship,’ so it is fairly SQUEE-worthy that he occasionally posts things onto my page that are of a romantic nature). At half eleven I had a knock on the door which ended up being a fabulous gentleman delivering a bunch of roses and lilies with a card addressed to ‘Dr. Butcher. I pranced up to my room with the flowers to find a teddy bear (who I have since named ‘moore’) and a box of chocolates inside. I immediately sent the muffin an email saying that he was the sweetest creature alive and we bantered via email for the following few hours before we had a series of phone calls featuring glee and multiple ‘I love you’s’ it was a fabulous Valentine’s Day and the first one I can remember being so lovely in a long time. Thanks muffin.

·       The fact that when I told Pow Pow I was going to be starting a street dancing class he said, ‘OMG you should TOTALLY do it! THAT’S a blog entry I’d like to read!’ who knew powface even READ my blog?!

·       Combine Harvesters

·       Jaacqy… oh what a special boy! On the five-year anniversary of my wedding last Thursday I got a call from my beautiful jaacqy asking if I wanted to go on a Disney date with him. What kind of a stupid idiot would say ‘no’ to an offer like THAT?! So post-work I made my way into town and meet him outside of Lush and we decided to retire to the pub for a quick pint before the cinema. We sat and drank our elderflower wonderful and mused about the glee surrounding the muffin’s arrival and Johnny and everything. It was so nice just to catch up with him and to be able to look at his little face and remember why I love him so much. After our pints we strolled to the cinema and watched a film that made me laugh, cry, squee and delight in the wonderful that is Disney again. I LOVE their return to 2-d cartoons and I ADORE that this was the film that had the first black princess. It was a magical film and I am so pleased jaacqy was the prince that I went to see it with. After the film he walked me to my taxi and we dubbed February 11^th OUR anniversary now. We took a photo to commemorate it and went our separate ways. I love jaacqy so much and I hate that I don’t get to see him as often as I would like. He is such a glittery, beautiful creature.

·       FINALLY seeing Dean in his little Johnny costume

·       The way Lee Lee’s letters smell… there is little I love more than to receive a letter in the post with that ever-so familiar penmanship on the envelope… I know IMMEDIATELY to smell it and cuddle it close. The magical combination of Lush and fags, one of my favourite smells at the moment, makes me a happy little lady. 

 ·       My snowflakes… oh my actual GOD I love my snowflakes. Despite the massive amounts of pain involved in getting them, they were totally worth it because I now have fabulous memories etched into my skin in the shape of Pow Pow, Johnny and Lee Lee.

·       The new Henry Rollins books… both of which I received from the muffin in his latest parcel. The first one, A Preferred Blur, is amazing because it is filled with his journals from 2006/07 when he was going through a very severe depressive state. It is interesting to read someone else’s journals from their own personal journeys through the landscapes I myself have become so familiar with over the last several years. It’s particularly special because Henry is someone who has really altered my life a great deal. At fifteen, when I got my hands on my first book by him (The Portable Henry Rollins), my life changed. It was at that age that I started writing with the intensity and emotion that I do now. It was his words that guided me down a path of self-exploration and reflection. He is an incredibly inspiring man and I love that he has allowed myself and so many other people into his personal life the way that he has.

·       The fact that, last night, when I mentioned to Pow Pow that I wanted to give him a book that changed my life he KNEW that it was Henry Rollins without a moment’s hesitation… that is something I didn’t even know I had told him and he knew. It proves that he actually DOES listen sometimes. <3

·       Stacey… my new housemate. Every single day she delights me with a new way of making me laugh. At first I was hesitant… you don’t live with someone for near-on six years and then find it easy to make a quick and smooth transition into a new lifestyle with a new person… it took me time. I was worried at first that our age difference would cause a ruckus in the household but over the last three weeks she has really grown on me. She deals with all my ridiculous hobbies and foibles in stride, attempts to get me to do new things (ie. Street dancing classes) and is just generally a fabulous little ball of wonderful energy. Her greatest and funniest comment to date came two nights ago when she beckoned me to see if was interested in having some curry that she planned to cook last night. I responded with a negative, reminding her I would be having MEAT with Pow Pow instead. She responded with shock and asked if Pow Pow ACTUALLY cooked, to which I replied that I was not sure, but if I was dead the next day, she would know why and perhaps I should write out a will… in response to this she said, and I quote, ‘oh yes! You should do that! Write another list! Things to avenge in your name in the event of your untimely death!’ and you can bet your sweet buns I DID write a list and post it on the wall in the dining room before i left for workies yesterday. She sent me a delighted text later on in the afternoon lol’ing about it. I reckon her and I will be just fine.

·       Photos that capture shadows well

·       My ability to touch-type

·       The way a dog holds it’s paw when it’s hurt

·       When the wind sometimes ‘pushes’ me along whilst I’m walking

·       Having tattoos in new places… I love it when I can look someplace that used to be bare and see something new there… obviously, when I very first got the massive one on my arm done the excitement was there constantly. Nearly two years on, the novelty of it has worn off (whilst I still DO have little fits of excitement from time to time when I see it, they are fewer and further between)… now though! My thighs are the owners of new ink babies and every time I prance in front of the mirror I fall in love with them!

·       The way Germans say ‘worried’

·       The ‘pump it up’ situation with janey… honestly, the worst thing I have ever, EVER consumed in my life. Janey and I fell in love with the bottles and their illicit photographs on the front the instant we saw them at that tiny carribean shop that Saturday in hackney… fell in love and were entranced by what exactly could live inside of them. As promised, janey arrived in derby with two bottles of beverage, Bedroom Bully (non-alcoholic, depicting a VERY sassy female in what appears to be bondage gear on the front) and Pump it Up (5% alcoholic with ingredients such as raw moon bush, strong back, giant wisp, poor-man-friend, blood wisp, bryal wisp, nerve wisp and tuna (yes, tuna) and depicting an inter-racial couple very near to intercourse on the front). After drinking a suitable amount of cider we decided to embark on the beverages of glory. We began with the Bedroom Bully, which was just like a stale ginger beer. I hate ginger, so I scowled a lot. Once all the Bedroom Bully had been consumed we moved on to the Pump it Up which promptly ruined our lives. The smell alone was something to behold. It smelled exactly like vinegar mixed with formaldehyde. I was forced to take the first sip and, for the first time in my life, actually heaved from the taste of something. It was actually the worst thing I have ever tasted in my life, ever. So now, I have a bottle of Pump it Up sat on my shelf with a mere four sips taken out of it… I presume it will live there now until the end of time.

·       Prairie dogs

·       Writing on napkins and Kleenex

·       Date-stamping things

·       Stacey’s list

·       Honesty

·       Steam rollers

·       Really beautiful half-cast boys

·       Fancy fingernails

·       Michael McIntyre

·       Cat noses

·       The fiery furnaces

·       Finishing a bear

·       Being back at workies

·       Ben and jerry’s half-baked ice cream

·       Pow’s face when he is doing something involving Johnny

·       Having my two best friends in one place at one time… Saturday before last played host to the fact that I would have BOTH of my best friends in one place at one time… I felt the time had come for Pow and janey to meet one another properly, so I orchestrated a fabulous meal out at a chinese buffet. I can’t honestly explain how wonderful it was to have them both together at once. Like, I love them both individually, but to actually share a space with my two favourite people in the world at one time, it’s mind-blowing. They got on like a house on fire and I am pleased. The world has been set straight now.

·       SEVENTEEN days!

·       Phone calls from Stephanie

·       Stalking Stephanie on her webcam

·       Holding newborn babies

·       Chris Tree... what a wonderful boy! I've always been fascinated by Tree... he's a quirky, fun, fooking HYSTERICAL boy that I met ages ago who seems to be friends with all of my friends. We like to banter in foul ways at one another and go out for lunch dates in city centre to watch the starlings. He and I participated in one of these dates last weekend and it was wonderful. We ate, had a cup of cocoa and took photos... it was thrilling and I hope we do it more before i depart!

 

on becoming empty...

well, it has officially happened.

chris has moved all his belongings out of the house and has been officially gone for the last two days. he is gone and so is half of my life.

it has hit me harder than i had actually thought it would. through the course of this separation i have been feeling little or no emotion. well, that's not necessarily true, i've just been better at dealing with it. i have very carefully sculpted my ability to deal with the stuff i am going through with little or no tears. it is something i am both proud of and find slightly disconcerting.

almost daily i have the muffin or the estranged remind me that i seem unaffected or more emotionally well-off with regard to the divorce and that is not the whole truth. i hurt, i really do. the ache that i feel is not comparable to anything i could ever describe. i have not ever experienced such a feeling of empty and loss... i have lost this person. this person that has been there constantly for the last seven years is now gone. he's gone and i won't have him here to help me or hold me or look at me and tell me i look pretty anymore. he is gone and so are all the promises he and i made to one another. all the futures he and i had painted featuring a guinea pig farm, tiny butchers and a self-sustaining garden... they are all gone, wiped away like they were nothing. like we hadn't spent years planning them and looking forward to starting them.

i look around my house today and can barely stand. i can't bare to leave my bedroom to get something to eat because i will have to walk through the dining room. the hub of what was our life together. the place he and i carefully situated all the small trinkets that made us us. the room used to be brimming with fish tanks and books and THINGS... now it's empty and full of reminders that i am now half of the person i have been for the last seven years. every gap in my books whispers that i have lost a very massive part of my life. a part of my life that i went into all those years ago with every expectation that it would be forever. never, when i made that collage all those years ago, did i expect that this would end so suddenly or violently. despite countless conversations with pow pow and hannah, i never, ever could have anticipated this.




so here i am today, listening to the unfamiliar sounds of a new creature bumbling around my house. stacey is lovely and tiny and makes me feel elderly (as she was born in 1991). she works full time in a residential care home and is a beautiful little lady who i am fairly excited to live with. she is very friendly but seems painfully (dare i say it?) normal. i worry that she will see me with janey and immediately want to move back with her parents. we talk and i just feel old and weird... i mean, i am sewing a costume for a dwarf to wear in a photo-comic about a serial killer. meh, i just worry that she looks at me like i am a little nuts from time to time, which i guess i should be pleased about... i like being a little eccentric. it's just odd to have to share my life with a new person now...

it's strange having someone new in your house after so many years with the same person. to have to get used to someone else's habits and smells (which i just realized sounds odd... heh, it's just that since stacey moved her things in, the house has been filled with a very different and not unpleasant smell. very girly, and nice.) i am sure after time i will get used to her being around, it's just that like, today, i am just lurking around the house like some sort of creep, offering her tidbits of information like when janey will be coming to visit, what my habits are and why certain things are the way they are in the house. i just don't know what to do with myself.

last tuesday saw me open my door to the most beautiful face in the world... my fabulous lee lee. he had come for a playdate, which came in the shape of sitting around in my room watching shocking amounts of stand-up comedy and talking about my move, his interview and the muffin. i just miss him ever-so much. he's such a special creature.

wednesday i was retrieved from my house by dave (of the dreadlocks and beautiful singing voice) and lee lee for quite possibly the most exciting purpose ever. destination: Norfolk. purpose: to be a part of the studio audience of most haunted live. yeah, jealous much? no need.

three hours later we arrived at the RAF base where multiple members of the crew called me a 'lovely little creature' and a 'fit bird.' parking spot located, we snacked. lee lee and i made faces at each other and dave sang and we were delighted.


when the time came to prance into the hangar to get our wrist bands i immediately realized how out of place i was. i had NO idea what this television programme was and the other 300+ people there DID. i just asked dave and lee lee on repeat who everyone was and if i should be excited to meet them. it was thrilling and the main host of the programme kissed me then called lee lee a jerk.


post-wristbbanding, we made our way back to the car and snacked more then played in the snow until the official time for the show to start.

the show itself was... uhhh... hokey? just people walking around dark rooms screaming and being silly. the best bits were during the advert breaks where we three were allowed to fool around and be silly and noisy.

overall, it was a fabulous day out because i got to spend it with two wonderful boys and see some of the english countryside covered in a fabulous blanket of snow.

muffin-related things are okay. he will be getting his orders in like, thirty-one days and will (hopefully) then be here within the following two weeks. it is all very thrilling and... i don't know. he notified me the other day that if he doesn't receive his passport soon he will just go on leave back to america and pack up his shit and then come see me once he's gotten out of iraq. this has upset me more than it most likely should have. i just hate the thought of having to wait ANOTHER five months to see him.

i understand why he wants to go back to america... kinda. see, there's a lot of issues surrounding his separation from HIS estranged. issues that he is not strong enough to let go of yet. issues that frustrate the fuck out of me.

essentially, she's a disrespectful floozy. she smokes in the house despite a clause in their tenancy agreement, she brings boys around to the house despite the muffin's regular requests for her to not and the real kick in the teeth? she pays NO rent or bills. all of this piled on top of the stress and emotion of the actual separation has really taken it's toll on the muffin. he's really depressed and not sleeping.

like, logical danie immediately snaps her problem-solving hat on and suggests ways he can sort it out straight away. you look at those things up there that she does and it screams of things that can easily be changed, were you to have the inclination. demand she starts paying for half the bills and rent and advise that you will not be held responsible for any care that needs to be taken with regard to damage from smoking (carpet cleaning, painting and deodorizing). the problem is, when i mention these things to the muffin he either ignores them or gets incredibly moody with me, saying that i am stopping him from processing his emotions.

yeah, because danie does that. danie, the girl who exists on the whims of all her emotions all the time. danie who has been through treatment to assist her in learning healthy ways to deal with emotions. i totally love to make people shut them off. it's sorta my thing.

essentially, i just hate that he still pines after her and what she does all. the. time... if she hasn't spoken to him in a couple of days he goes nuts trying to contact her and then when they do speak, she just talks about the men she's screwing and how awesome they are, which bums my muffin out. i hate her for that. i hate the fact that she has no sense of personal pride or respect for other people's emotions. granted, the muffin is a weirdo and likes to ask the probing questions, but she doesn't have to answer them. i personally think she relishes in it and it makes me feel ill. i also hate the fact that she still has such an all-encompassing hold over his emotions. if she has done or said anything that might be ugly it destroys him for between an hour and two days. i hate the fact that someone else could have so much influence over his emotions. i spend so much time building him up, trying to help him understand that the experiences he's  had in relationships before me were NOTHING compared to what i will be giving him, and JUST when i get him feeling good about himself he gets into touch with her and it all falls down.

it all became fairly distressing for me when we had the following conversation on saturday:


Him: never thought I'd feel this way about her
starbeast: what way?
starbeast: do you still love her
starbeast: i mean
starbeast: in THAT way?
Him: what way?
starbeast: in the way that makes you want to stay with her or work things out?
Him: no
Him: like
starbeast: is there any part of you that still wants to?
Him: part of me wants that
starbeast: right

now, i'm not stupid, and i know that i have cut off the rest of the conversation (which did feature him telling me that the other, MUCH bigger part of him wanted to smarten up and just get this show on the road with danie) and i KNOW he didnae mean that the way it came out, but the instant i saw that, my little heart sank like the titanic, but faster. it sank and hasn't completely resurfaced yet. my stomach immediately went all gross and now i can't get that conversation out of my head.

and now, it has been brought to my attention that his estranged (who i have blocked from my facebook, meaning i cannae see any posts she does) has posted shit on his page publicly, taking the piss out of me. i've just hit my limit now, you know? i am a very amicable person... i can let a lot of water fall off my back and i have spent a lot of time talking to the muffin about how perhaps she isn't always in the wrong and maybe he should cut her some slack, but she has just fucking bitten off more than she can chew now. she's made an enemy in someone that she REALLY doesn't want. this doesn't mean i am going to fly off the handle and be a loose cannon, this just means that i will be calculating and taking stock of a lot of things and she had better not ever, EVER cross me directly. bitch.

and that's it, really. OH! EXCEPT! my boss's boss's boss rang me two days ago and it is official:

the investigation has been completed and there was insufficient evidence to corroborate further action

so i am now officially NOT suspended anymore and am on 'special leave' until monday, when i will start workies again. first though, i have to prance into work to meet with the head honcho so's they can 'go over some stuff' with me (presumably to tell me what i am and am not allowed to blog about), which is taking place friday afternoon.

post-oppression, i will be making my way to pow pow's for a hot date featuring johnny-chat and trashy films. i am excited mostly. i miss my pow pow. i've been showing his videos to stacey and falling apart little by little because i will miss his face. one video, in particular... please enjoy and have a good week!