on becoming empty...

well, it has officially happened.

chris has moved all his belongings out of the house and has been officially gone for the last two days. he is gone and so is half of my life.

it has hit me harder than i had actually thought it would. through the course of this separation i have been feeling little or no emotion. well, that's not necessarily true, i've just been better at dealing with it. i have very carefully sculpted my ability to deal with the stuff i am going through with little or no tears. it is something i am both proud of and find slightly disconcerting.

almost daily i have the muffin or the estranged remind me that i seem unaffected or more emotionally well-off with regard to the divorce and that is not the whole truth. i hurt, i really do. the ache that i feel is not comparable to anything i could ever describe. i have not ever experienced such a feeling of empty and loss... i have lost this person. this person that has been there constantly for the last seven years is now gone. he's gone and i won't have him here to help me or hold me or look at me and tell me i look pretty anymore. he is gone and so are all the promises he and i made to one another. all the futures he and i had painted featuring a guinea pig farm, tiny butchers and a self-sustaining garden... they are all gone, wiped away like they were nothing. like we hadn't spent years planning them and looking forward to starting them.

i look around my house today and can barely stand. i can't bare to leave my bedroom to get something to eat because i will have to walk through the dining room. the hub of what was our life together. the place he and i carefully situated all the small trinkets that made us us. the room used to be brimming with fish tanks and books and THINGS... now it's empty and full of reminders that i am now half of the person i have been for the last seven years. every gap in my books whispers that i have lost a very massive part of my life. a part of my life that i went into all those years ago with every expectation that it would be forever. never, when i made that collage all those years ago, did i expect that this would end so suddenly or violently. despite countless conversations with pow pow and hannah, i never, ever could have anticipated this.




so here i am today, listening to the unfamiliar sounds of a new creature bumbling around my house. stacey is lovely and tiny and makes me feel elderly (as she was born in 1991). she works full time in a residential care home and is a beautiful little lady who i am fairly excited to live with. she is very friendly but seems painfully (dare i say it?) normal. i worry that she will see me with janey and immediately want to move back with her parents. we talk and i just feel old and weird... i mean, i am sewing a costume for a dwarf to wear in a photo-comic about a serial killer. meh, i just worry that she looks at me like i am a little nuts from time to time, which i guess i should be pleased about... i like being a little eccentric. it's just odd to have to share my life with a new person now...

it's strange having someone new in your house after so many years with the same person. to have to get used to someone else's habits and smells (which i just realized sounds odd... heh, it's just that since stacey moved her things in, the house has been filled with a very different and not unpleasant smell. very girly, and nice.) i am sure after time i will get used to her being around, it's just that like, today, i am just lurking around the house like some sort of creep, offering her tidbits of information like when janey will be coming to visit, what my habits are and why certain things are the way they are in the house. i just don't know what to do with myself.

last tuesday saw me open my door to the most beautiful face in the world... my fabulous lee lee. he had come for a playdate, which came in the shape of sitting around in my room watching shocking amounts of stand-up comedy and talking about my move, his interview and the muffin. i just miss him ever-so much. he's such a special creature.

wednesday i was retrieved from my house by dave (of the dreadlocks and beautiful singing voice) and lee lee for quite possibly the most exciting purpose ever. destination: Norfolk. purpose: to be a part of the studio audience of most haunted live. yeah, jealous much? no need.

three hours later we arrived at the RAF base where multiple members of the crew called me a 'lovely little creature' and a 'fit bird.' parking spot located, we snacked. lee lee and i made faces at each other and dave sang and we were delighted.


when the time came to prance into the hangar to get our wrist bands i immediately realized how out of place i was. i had NO idea what this television programme was and the other 300+ people there DID. i just asked dave and lee lee on repeat who everyone was and if i should be excited to meet them. it was thrilling and the main host of the programme kissed me then called lee lee a jerk.


post-wristbbanding, we made our way back to the car and snacked more then played in the snow until the official time for the show to start.

the show itself was... uhhh... hokey? just people walking around dark rooms screaming and being silly. the best bits were during the advert breaks where we three were allowed to fool around and be silly and noisy.

overall, it was a fabulous day out because i got to spend it with two wonderful boys and see some of the english countryside covered in a fabulous blanket of snow.

muffin-related things are okay. he will be getting his orders in like, thirty-one days and will (hopefully) then be here within the following two weeks. it is all very thrilling and... i don't know. he notified me the other day that if he doesn't receive his passport soon he will just go on leave back to america and pack up his shit and then come see me once he's gotten out of iraq. this has upset me more than it most likely should have. i just hate the thought of having to wait ANOTHER five months to see him.

i understand why he wants to go back to america... kinda. see, there's a lot of issues surrounding his separation from HIS estranged. issues that he is not strong enough to let go of yet. issues that frustrate the fuck out of me.

essentially, she's a disrespectful floozy. she smokes in the house despite a clause in their tenancy agreement, she brings boys around to the house despite the muffin's regular requests for her to not and the real kick in the teeth? she pays NO rent or bills. all of this piled on top of the stress and emotion of the actual separation has really taken it's toll on the muffin. he's really depressed and not sleeping.

like, logical danie immediately snaps her problem-solving hat on and suggests ways he can sort it out straight away. you look at those things up there that she does and it screams of things that can easily be changed, were you to have the inclination. demand she starts paying for half the bills and rent and advise that you will not be held responsible for any care that needs to be taken with regard to damage from smoking (carpet cleaning, painting and deodorizing). the problem is, when i mention these things to the muffin he either ignores them or gets incredibly moody with me, saying that i am stopping him from processing his emotions.

yeah, because danie does that. danie, the girl who exists on the whims of all her emotions all the time. danie who has been through treatment to assist her in learning healthy ways to deal with emotions. i totally love to make people shut them off. it's sorta my thing.

essentially, i just hate that he still pines after her and what she does all. the. time... if she hasn't spoken to him in a couple of days he goes nuts trying to contact her and then when they do speak, she just talks about the men she's screwing and how awesome they are, which bums my muffin out. i hate her for that. i hate the fact that she has no sense of personal pride or respect for other people's emotions. granted, the muffin is a weirdo and likes to ask the probing questions, but she doesn't have to answer them. i personally think she relishes in it and it makes me feel ill. i also hate the fact that she still has such an all-encompassing hold over his emotions. if she has done or said anything that might be ugly it destroys him for between an hour and two days. i hate the fact that someone else could have so much influence over his emotions. i spend so much time building him up, trying to help him understand that the experiences he's  had in relationships before me were NOTHING compared to what i will be giving him, and JUST when i get him feeling good about himself he gets into touch with her and it all falls down.

it all became fairly distressing for me when we had the following conversation on saturday:


Him: never thought I'd feel this way about her
starbeast: what way?
starbeast: do you still love her
starbeast: i mean
starbeast: in THAT way?
Him: what way?
starbeast: in the way that makes you want to stay with her or work things out?
Him: no
Him: like
starbeast: is there any part of you that still wants to?
Him: part of me wants that
starbeast: right

now, i'm not stupid, and i know that i have cut off the rest of the conversation (which did feature him telling me that the other, MUCH bigger part of him wanted to smarten up and just get this show on the road with danie) and i KNOW he didnae mean that the way it came out, but the instant i saw that, my little heart sank like the titanic, but faster. it sank and hasn't completely resurfaced yet. my stomach immediately went all gross and now i can't get that conversation out of my head.

and now, it has been brought to my attention that his estranged (who i have blocked from my facebook, meaning i cannae see any posts she does) has posted shit on his page publicly, taking the piss out of me. i've just hit my limit now, you know? i am a very amicable person... i can let a lot of water fall off my back and i have spent a lot of time talking to the muffin about how perhaps she isn't always in the wrong and maybe he should cut her some slack, but she has just fucking bitten off more than she can chew now. she's made an enemy in someone that she REALLY doesn't want. this doesn't mean i am going to fly off the handle and be a loose cannon, this just means that i will be calculating and taking stock of a lot of things and she had better not ever, EVER cross me directly. bitch.

and that's it, really. OH! EXCEPT! my boss's boss's boss rang me two days ago and it is official:

the investigation has been completed and there was insufficient evidence to corroborate further action

so i am now officially NOT suspended anymore and am on 'special leave' until monday, when i will start workies again. first though, i have to prance into work to meet with the head honcho so's they can 'go over some stuff' with me (presumably to tell me what i am and am not allowed to blog about), which is taking place friday afternoon.

post-oppression, i will be making my way to pow pow's for a hot date featuring johnny-chat and trashy films. i am excited mostly. i miss my pow pow. i've been showing his videos to stacey and falling apart little by little because i will miss his face. one video, in particular... please enjoy and have a good week!

bundled in a van headed due north...

since my post a couple of weeks ago, i have been refraining from blogging at the suggestion of my boss... this is as a result of some very, VERY fabulous events that have taken place at work.

on monday the 14th of december my boss rang me two minutes before i was due to get off for the day to ask me if i could wait behind as her boss needed to speak to me. ever the helpful beast, i happily obliged.

my co-workers and i mused for the following two minutes about what it could be he wanted to speak to me about... perhaps a promotion? perhaps a fabulous new project? perhaps a special award made in my honour as a result of my excellent work? 

i continued to giggle to myself as everyone filed out and i was left completing some more reports and waiting for his arrival. he arrived and had a word with my boss first. after twenty minutes she came to my office to say that he had something very serious to talk to me about and it 'was not going to be very nice...'  she mumbled something about a blog and that if i needed some support she was happy to go with me and sit with me. 

i declined and made my way down to the office. 

i was greeted by him and a HR representative who asked me to sit. they cut straight to the chase, advised me that i would be suspended with immediate effect as someone from 'outside of the Trust' had contacted them and informed them that i have been supplying confidential information to the public. they would need my badge and i was not to contact any of my co-workers or come onto the premises until a full and concise investigation had taken place and did i have any questions? 

the next forty-five seconds looked a little something like this...

'well, what KIND of information has been said to have been given out?' uhhh, we can't tell you that. 

'well, did they say HOW this information has been distributed?' uhhh, we can't tell you that.

'well, how long will this take?' uhhh, we can't tell you that. 

'okay, what CAN you tell me? ' uhhh... nothing. 

i then handed over my badge and was escorted down to my office and taken outside by my boss. she advised me as we walked out the door that i should not blog about this or 'make it worse' for myself. 

initially, i didnae feel anything about it... i was not bothered at all by what had happened... but as i waited out in the cold for my taxi i slowly began to feel like i was melting. my mind raced and all i could think is that there is some horrible, wicked, IDIOT out there who is out for my blood and wants to attempt to fuck with my life in any way that they can. some petty dum dum who has nothing better to do that hurt people. 

i got in the taxi and was caught up in a whirlwind of wondering what could possess someone to DO something like this. what processes must have gone through their brain to make them feel like it was okay to call someone's place of employment and LIE? 

i arrived home to find a very emotional letter from my grandma and an even MORE emotional christmas card from the estranged. 

it was about three minutes after i arrived home that the tears started flowing. i cried what seemed to be all the tears that had been missing since the beginning of the separation. i cried for nearly an hour... i can't remember ever crying that much in one sitting, ever... so violent and heavy were these tears that i just wanted to lie on my bed and let myself fall asleep. 

i cried until the muffin came online and i was able to talk to him about it. i hated talking to him about it because i could tell how helpless he felt. here i was, falling apart into a little ball of emo and all he could do is just tell me he loved me.

the estranged came home and held me. i needed a hug so bad. he held me and said that it was fucked up. 

four days after, the tears had subsided and i was left with nothing but the most positive spin i could take on the situation. i was being PAID to have christmas and new year's off... win. as a result of this newly received 'holiday' i immediately decided to extend my visit to janeyface.

the day i left for janey i received my letter in the post outlining my suspension citing the reason  for my suspension. it says, and i quote: 

'... you were suspended from duty on full pay with effect from 14 December 2009, pending an investigation into the allegations that: you have posted inappropriate information in relation to your employment with the Trust on an external website.'

so there i had it. i neatly filed the letter away and packed my bag for an extra-long and very much-needed trip to london to see my favourite princess.

the initial reason for my trip to london was to see my precious jaacqy do his last performance in his one-man show called 'clothes to fall apart in.' janey was a busy bee on the friday, so i arrived into missy's waiting arms and we hustled our way to bethnal green to see my precious jaacq act his little face off. 

upon my (late) arrival at the venue a lot of prancing and excitement occurred, as it seemed that jaacq had been glee'ing about me to EVERYONE there. i pranced in and every single person in the tiny venue jumped to attention, exclaiming that i 'must be THE danie!' to which i replied that i was indeed THE danie. 

jaacq had waited to start until my arrival, so missy and i went into the green room for a glass of wine and then filed into the auditorium to see my most precious boy dressed in a beautiful wig and fur-lined coat. 

post- performance we milled around the green room where i had a severe amount of gay boys prance up to me to tell me they loved me and had heard SO much about my cupcakes. we all squealed a bit and then marched to a local pub for a pint. 

the following five days were just so wonderful. janey and i existed in a whirlwind of ethnic food, tattoos, inappropriate vegetables, films and booze. 

i love my janey so much that it hurts sometimes. she is just so special to me. 

as i type this she is in the middle of designing me a special tattoo that will be HER tattoo on me. the one that symbolizes our friendship and the last five years we have spent being nearly inseparable.i am SO looking forward to seeing what she ends up creating for me.

since returning to derby i have been ill and have experienced my first christmas by myself in twenty-five years. whilst it was not wholly horrific, it was still fairly sad. i got texts and e-love from friends and my sister rang me bright and early to tell me she loved me and talk to me about the holidays and the excitement surrounding me moving back. she was very pleasant and we talked about the visit out here she wanted to make before my move back (which i am SUPER excited about!) and how much holiday she had saved up so far and how much she wants to have saved up before she comes to visit. we said our 'i love you's' and then i fell back asleep for a few more hours. 

the remainder of my christmas was spent 'with' the muffin. he was reasonably busy, but he made the effort to talk to me and give me what time he could. he sent me photos of molly prancing excitedly with her presents and we talked about our christmases to come... the ones that would feature just him and me. those are the ones i am most looking forward to. ones where he and i lie in bed until whenever we want and then prance to the tree to open up the presents that 'santa' has dotted around the house for us. i will make him a fabulous christmas breakfast and we will spend the day moving between the kitchen and sofasnuggles. just danie and dane and the yule. it will be so wonderful. 

since christmas i have just... eh, i've just been ill and pining. the muffin has been outrageously busy with work, so our talking time has been limited. we still have been having daily talks, but they have been fewer and further in-between. 

needless to say, this extra time to myself has left me with a lot of time to think... think about everything that has been or will be going on in my life. the divorce and  the muffin and the move and everything. it all kinda got on top of me today when i woke up feel wretched for the fifth day in a row. i just felt down about everything... 


i have since pulled myself out of it... this has been primarily due to the fact that i have realized that it is like, a mere NINE weeks until the muffin will arrive. NINE WEEKS until i get to see his face in person for the first time in eight years! i know i have been excited about it, but last night i got that very familiar and welcome almost sickly feeling in my stomach. the excitement has started to create a very dense ball of glee in the pit of my belly that weighs so much but that reminds me that i am here, living this incredible life with something massive to look forward to.


it is just mere days now! just over sixty days and he will be here!! i'll be able to roll over in bed and press my face to his and tangle my legs with his and snooze as happily and comfortably as i want. i'll be able to walk with him to the shops and grab his hand and stop to give him a big smooch. i'll be able to cook for him. i'll be able to do anything i want.


it's so surreal and exciting and just... i can't believe it. after pining this long he will finally be here. 


eight years. fuck. 


other things of note that i shall list as i am too tired to write anymore... 

• i have now officially fit into my first medium-sized dress in like, thirty-three years. vic gave me the most amazing dress EVER for christmas and i tried it on, not expecting it to fit only to find that i look fucking hot in it! yay!
• things with the estranged have been reasonable... we've been talking to one-another like humans and it's been nice (a further and more in-depth blog to come re: this situation)
• OMGASHLEYISGETTINGMARRIED!! her and gus are officially getting married and they have set a date AND i will be there to do everything i can to make her day as special as i can!
• i have set an official moving-back date... wait for it... September 15th,  2010! yay! (whilst i WILL be flying back this day, i will not arrive in cheyenne until the sixteenth, as the muffin will be retrieving me from the airport in denver and then we will end up staying the night at a friend's house that night and then prance home the next day for OMGASHLEYFUNTIME!)
• my hair is STILL green but i am REALLY itching to dye it something more glorious. 
• pow pow and i plan to start working out (walking/running in the park and swimming) very soon. we've dubbed 2010 as the YEAR OF FIT. yay!

 and that's it... i think. i am tired and should go to sleepies, or watch a bit of henry rollins. 

hope everyone is well and their festive period was wonderful!