it's gotta get bad before it gets good...

so, the other night i'm laying in my bed. i'm laying there and doing an intensive internal assessment. checking in with parts of my body, to see if they're all still there, working and not needing any sort of medical attention. this need to assess my physical well-being comes from the fact that America is AWESOME and unwilling to provide any kind of socialized healthcare to people who need it despite certain individual's needs.

i checked with my legs and instinctively began scratching. since my first trip back from England in 2004 i have suffered from a horrible case of itchy legs. i would scratch and scratch until i bled. there are countless scars all over my legs from years of scratching. actually, little known fact, the main reason i originally started to get my legs tattooed was because i hated seeing the scratches and scars all over my legs.

moving on, i checked in with my belly by giving it a squeeze with both hands. trying to compare the size of the amount of fat i held in my hands to some sort of fruit or vegetable. it used to be a grapefruit and has, over the last several months, morphed into a large honeydew. i frowned and hated myself silently for a moment, thinking about how much weight i had let myself gain in the last year. i have literally put on over forty pounds. seeing that number even just now makes me wish i was willing to lie, but i know it won't do much good. i need to be able to see that number and know that i need to do something, that i need to change my way of living because i'm not healthy and i'm only going to become MORE unhealthy if i don't sort my life out.

i checked with my back. presumably as a result of my weight gain, my lower back has been killing me. i can't walk for more than ten minutes at a moderate pace without needing to stop and complain because my back literally hurts THAT MUCH. i worry about my back because the last time i experienced a pain like i am right now was when i had a kidney infection. i can't afford to have any kind of illness right now, but a kidney infection would literally be the worst. i've been VERY careful monitoring my internal organs because i can't even imagine what would happen if i fell ill with a kidney infection again.

finally, i made a stop in my head, checked how my mental health was doing. this is always the most fun for me. i'm now hitting the last of my supply of the anti-depressants my doctor prescribed me before our healthcare ran out and i am to the point now where i've got so little Ritalin left that i have to ration it to days that i know i might want to be more active.

anyways, the internal mental health check was alarming. i'm a mess. i'm existing in this place at the moment where i'm completely unwilling to pretty much do just about anything. i don't want to get up in the morning, participate in anything during the day and CAN'T sleep at night. i'm depressed. again.

i've been dealing with this very special bout of depression for several months now, which has resulted in the elusiveness on my blog, along with other things. this depression has been crippling in a whole new way for me. i'd gotten myself into such a fabulous cycle of self loathing, indifference and cynicism that i'd just completely given up on literally everything. i'd stopped doing my hair, wearing anything other than sweatpants, crafting, writing, talking to people and worst of all, communicating in an age-appropriate and conductive way with Muffin. i had just set myself up in a horrible little hole of misery that was made up of nothing but sadness and disappointment (pretty much all of which, i must add, was self-induced).

to be fair, my entire adult life has been made up a string of situations that have left me feeling HORRIBLY disappointed. i have spent a great deal of time wondering why i constantly felt like i was existing in such a massive state of disappointment; why i just couldn't be happy.

wait, i want to start this miserable part of this post saying that i love Muffin. i love him so, so much more than i think anybody could ever understand. the love that i feel for him, it goes beyond any means of description or explanation.

anyways, do you know that feeling after an argument where you feel like... sigh. you feel completely deflated. no matter how amazing your day may have started out, everything is gone after that last snide, shitty comment. i've got that right now, kinda all the time. lately Muffin and i have virtually lived exclusively between a string of FABULOUS arguments that are born from simple, piece of shit comments that turn completely out of control VERY quickly. i won't bore you with the details, but there tends to be IMMEDIATE escalation and doors are slammed and i am just so tired of feeling that horrible smug, yet ashamed feeling in the pit of my stomach that i inevitably always experience after every single argument.

so tired, in fact that last Monday i just got so, SO tired that i just gave up on any even sort of rational arguing and i reckon Muffin felt the same, because we pretty much broke up for about two hours.

yeah. my life's been THAT magical.

we've both just been walking on an emotional tightrope with our own personal battles staring us down every single minute of every single day. we're both tired, uninspired and angry. not at anybody in particular, but every single tiny bit of anger, sadness and frustration that we had burst into a horrible, disgusting relationship-shifting bubble that i think we kinda needed...

maybe i'm the only one that needed it, really, but it was big and offered me a lot of insight that i hadn't realized that i'd just shut out of my life because of the mess i'd let myself get into emotionally. 

since the day i met him, eleven years ago, i have been madly in love with Muffin and knew that he was the person that i was meant to see my oldest years with. there's never been anybody that i'd be willing to love as blindly as i have him. in the time i've known him i have seen him cheat on me, lie to me and break countless hearts, and you know what? i'd forgive him anything if it meant just a little more time with him.

at least that's what i THOUGHT i felt. it wasn't until last Monday that i realized that i've been holding him emotionally hostage and it's been destroying our relationship. i've been accusing him and hurting him making being with me nearly unbearable, all under the personal thought that i was making things better. i've been arguing blindly with him, not allowing him to offer me any input because i felt justified after what HE had put ME through. i just bulled on ahead with my own agenda, thinking it was helping, and not at all realizing that i was very slowly chipping away at the foundation that our lives were built on.

for months i've been searching aimlessly through countless internet sites trying to find the answers to questions i didn't even have the words to voice. why he was acting the way he was, why he wouldn't change and why he was so angry when he was the one who made the mistakes in the first place... i spent so much time focusing on what HE was doing wrong that i never took the time to stop and ask myself what in the world i was doing to fix things. i was just sitting back, expecting HIM to change, not even toying with the idea that i might need to step up and help. i was so focused on the hurt that he had inflicted on me that rather than letting the wound heal, i would just pick it and pick it and pick it, never, ever giving it a chance to scab over and get better.

last week helped me realize just how volatile i had become... just how difficult i had made life for the both of us. now, we're working together to make things good again. we're working and taking really great steps toward a better life.


the awesome thing? now, since i've stopped hounding him and feeling the need to monitor his every move, i've found myself feeling so much lighter and less strained. i've found myself with more time to crochet and paint and prepare for school (which starts in just over a month!!) i've found myself with the time and strength i was missing for ME, which is awesome.


things aren't perfect right now, but they are most absolutely on the right track. we hit the hideous rock-bottom we needed to and now we're headed back to where we need to be and i couldn't be happier to see the horizon.

Tiwesdaeg + updates

urgh! it's been too long! i'm so terribly sorry.

things in my life have been busy/happy/stressful/sad and that's kinda just left me completely devoid of energy, desire or time to post. in a nutshell, i shall offer you a list of the recent comings and goings in my life...

job... i got a job. i started working in March and i totally was in love with every single second of it. i use the past-tense because i have since lost the job. i worked there and worked hard. put every tiny bit of me into it because i ADORE working with customers and i can't get enough of working the graveyard shift. it was perfect until literally four days ago when they called me into the office, and after weeks of managers not-so-subtly dropping hints about the lack of funds and hours, they let me go, saying that they simply couldn't keep me anymore. devastated, i came home and have since just felt completely lost and have totally enveloped myself into SUPER training our new puppy.
puppy... who we have officially named Sebastian Stinkfinger (known from here-on-out as Sebass), was picked up last Thursday after a two-hour drive to Arlington (which was amazing, by the way! a little beautiful Northern Washington town just covered in huge farms, trees and lakes). we've now had him for three full days and we love his little face. i especially love that he's around pretty much all the time for me to snuggle during my days without a job now. he's been so much fun in our house and we couldn't be happier.
Muffin and me... we've been having a few problems recently, over the last several months. he's been making a lot of silly, selfish mistakes. we've been ironing a lot of wrinkles that seem to be really making a huge difference now. things have felt so much better over the last couple of weeks, and despite the fact that i hate how much we've had to endure to get to this point, i love that we seem to have finally hit the home stretch.
creating... which i've been doing a lot. i've been crocheting, knitting, scrapbooking, painting, embroidering, drawing and writing. it's been really nice for me to have a series of outlets.

which my Tuesday list is... an outlet, so have it!


elephant shrews
when dogs are missing their teeth... BECAUSE THEIR TONGUES STICK OUT AND IT'S ADORABLE!
damsel flies
cats with big noses
sunny but windy days
finally sorting the house out
hologram nail varnish
my hairs... which i've been braiding and pomping and pig-tailing and generally making wonderful.
cola from Taco Bell... it is ALWAYS, without fail, the best cola in the world!
our mailman... he's sassy, black and really funny. i love him.
Lush
Life documentaries
delusional cigarette purchasers... the ones who are blatantly over twenty or thirty and still feel like they NEED to show their ID because they are SURE that they look underage. their delusion makes me chuckle.
Etheopean Wolves
Jason Segal
21 Jump Street... literally, the funniest film i have seen in a VERY long time.
Instagram is FINALLY on Android... for MONTHS i've hated every single person that had an iPhone who could post those adorable, beautiful and fun photos on Instagram. FINALLY though, Android has it and it is everything that i hoped it would be!
Fried Egg Jellyfish
documentaries
onion straws
Me, Myself and Irene soundtrack
Diane Keaton
Hooters wings... particularly the garlic parmesan ones.
JANEYVISIT... yes, the day has finally come that my favourite Janey will be coming to visit the Muffin household!! the excitement is beyond explanation and the list of activities we will be doing whilst she is here will be the longest list in the land. BWEEEEE!!! I CAN'T WAIT!
anniversary planning... which is shaping up very nicely. we shall be going back to the place of our honeymoon. same city, same hotel, new memories. we've booked the hotel and gotten a fucking SWEET upgrade. Sebass will be attending with us and we can't wait to see the ocean again.
old photos of tattoo'd women
preparing for Puppy
Muffin changed the background of his mobile... he always acted so blase about the puppy, so when i came home one evening to him standing at the front door with his mobile in his hands and a big smile on his face, i didn't expect to see the fluffy little face of our soon-to-be little man as his wallpaper. it made me realize he was just trying to act big and tough, but he was excited, which got me MORE excited!
Sebass going into his kennel on his own... anybody who's ever had to kennel train a dog of any age, they KNOW how exciting it is to have their little guy or gal prance into their kennel all by themselves and sit down contentedly. Sebass did just that yesterday and i was SO excited! it's not an easy road, but we're getting there. 
Muffin's inquiring... he's particularly delightful, conversation-wise, at night, just before bed. the night we got Sebass, in his sleepy lull, Muffin turned to me and asked if i thought a dog's vagina was like a woman's when it came to having a baby. he then led the conversation to Sebass's mum and what i thought her dog-vagina looked like and if i thought it would go back. yeah. i'm a lucky lady.