9: love my life: for the work i do...

and but oh do I do a lot of work for others! It seems as though I pretty much do nothing but things for other people. 

I’m not complaining here though…  I love the work I do… I love every single little tiny thing I create and every single little smile I generate on another person’s face as a result. 

The obvious things I do are my cupcakes. My cupcakes always make me the happiest because they are something I tend to offer exclusively to other people. When I bake, I tend to bake just for other people and don’t often eat any of the cakes myself.

I bake, lovingly mixing all the ingredients whilst singing along to whatever words I have placed on my megamix for that specific day. 

I decorate, carefully piping, glittering and placing each and every decoration with love and attention.
I watch. 

This is my favourite bit… watching people eat my baked goods. There is very little I love more in the world than to sit smugly as I see all the muscles of the recipient’s face turn into putty and fall in love with me, my cakes and all things sweet. I love that people come and hug me after I’ve baked, I love that I am known, seemingly around the world, as ‘The Cupcake Lady’  or ‘Danie Cupcake.’ I love, love, LOVE my baked goods. 

Alongside my cupcakes are the things I make. The woollen toys, hats, scarves and any other miscellany you can conjure. These things come fewer and further in between but generate the most amount of glee… most of my creations lately have been for Pow, but no mind, as his happy face is one of my favourites. When I present him with a new bizarre toy or idea I see his eyes go bright and the corners of his mouth immediately turn up into a smile not dissimilar to that of a toddler on Christmas. 

Alongside all the things I do (my actual job, sewing, tidying, cooking, tanning pigskin, etc) I feel that even the most simple things, that wouldn’t ordinarily be considered ‘work’ to people, are often taken for granted as gifts to other people. 

A mere smile or squeeze of the hand can be life-altering for some people, depending on the day. I am a firm believer that every single little thing that one does alters the world, much like the old adage about if a bird flaps it’s wing in America then  someone will feel a breeze in Japan or something (I don’t know quite how it goes), but everything everyone does is crucial to someone, somewhere. 

So for now, I will continue creating, smiling, baking, writing and taking photos, as I believe these things are the biggest and most special gifts that I give to people…. 

8: love my life: for my beautiful memories...

my life seems to be one constant beautiful memory… every single thing that happens in my life is just another piece of the puzzle that makes my life as blissfully fabulous as it is.. I guess the best way to do this entry justice would be for me to list the things in my life that have caused me beautiful memories… this’ll be a long one. Brace yourself

• My mum… it is difficult to pick out individual memories… I recall so many magical little things that made everything with her beautiful. I remember as a child I would always say that the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life was my mum sleeping and I still reckon that holds a spot in the top five. I loved her face… her laugh and smile. There are a flurry of memories from my childhood especially that were made distinctive because of my mum… things like trips to crazy horse mountain or summer visits to embassy suites. When she was still able to drive I remember car rides with her being miraculous… we would sing and talk and there was NEVER anything I couldn’t talk to her about. I remember the months prior to my moving to the UK, how I would go visit her in the home at least once a week and we would eat and sit around and watch films or telly… those days with her were the most special because we had so many of them and because she always made me feel so loved. I remember the last time I saw her in person… November 19^th 2004… that was the morning I left for England. She was devastated. I remember how her face looked, how hard she held me and what she smelled like. I remember the last time I spoke to her… It was horrific, but I would have regretted it for the rest of my life had I not rung her that night. She told me how much she loved me, that I meant everything to her…. My mum was the most wonderfully beautiful, giving woman in the world and I wouldn’t trade her or my memories of her for anything.

• Janey… the memories I have with my janeyface are so much more different than any of the memories I will have with anybody else in the world. Our time together is spent in a beautiful little flurry of being lewd, inappropriate, offensive and utterly and completely ourselves. When she and I are together we fall into a world that completely spins for just the two of us… nobody else exists. Chris always hated it when she came to visit and theo still hates it when we are together because we immediately begin to set one another off in the most improper and fabulous of ways. My memories of her date back to the first time we met in person… that fabulous summer’s day that she came up to derby and stepped off the bus to my little smiling face. The next night we began our string of outrageous memories by writhing all over the floor of the local pub to bon jovi’s ‘always’ with claire. Every single janeydaniepartytime since has just been better and better. Racist shopping adventures, lesbian chats, hot-boxing her lounge with our horrendous gas and more shopping adventures than anybody could ever fathom. Janey is such a beautifully wonderful person and I will no doubt know her and continue making offensive memories with her until one of us dies of some horrendous disease or car accident.

• Alastair… over the last five years the bulk of my beautiful memories have come from pow pow…he and I have gone on some of the most amazingly fabulous adventures ever. He is the one person I have watched more films with, had more cups of tea with and talked to more than anybody else. Things as simple as all our swimming dates two years ago will fall high on the list of beautiful memories I have in my life. Most of the moments I spend with him are extraordinary for me because I exist in complete awe of him… he is an astoundingly beautiful, talented and magical person and to spend as much time as I do with him and to be as close to him as I am makes me feel so outrageously special. Every day I get to see him makes me feel like the things I do and say are worth something because he agrees with or admires it. There are just so many memories to pick from… if I had to name one particularly beautiful memory, I would have to hark back to the night the incident happened (September 26^th 2008). The whole night was beautiful despite the obviously horrific event. Pow pow and I had gone swimming, went out for a cup of tea at big blue with alex and jaacqy, moved on to wetherspoons where I bore witness to his sally jessi impression for the first time and then on to the rest of the night… post-incident, jaacqy and I went back to pow pow’s and I laid on the couch talking to mark until he returned home and immediately laid on top of me and held me for ages. He just laid there and hugged me. He held me like he was trying to hold all the pain out of me and to this day, nobody has ever been successful at giving me a better cuddle, ever… I doubt they ever will.

• Concertina Turner… the summer of 2007 was made perfect because of one thing. That thing was concertina turner and the butchers. I honestly couldn’t believe it when claire and mark asked me to be in the band… I  never showed any outward abilities musically… why ME?! Who bloody cares, is what I answer now! That was the best time of my life. Playing music with the five of them was the most fun I have ever had. Those months that we played together were completely fuelled by chris’s homemade mead and the cheers of drunken onlookers. There are so many swirling memories that I can grasp out of the air, but when I have to pick just one, it is always jerry… I LOVE to remember how jerry and I used to watch one another when we played. He was such a beautiful man and I love every single song we ever had the chance to play together.

• Dane... there is not one single memory I don’t cherish about this boy. I drive him insane during every conversation asking him to tell me what things he remembers or what his favourite memories are. Those fabulous months in the summer of 2001 were so, so special... the random late-night car journeys, the trip to the water tower, our first kiss on the corner of Evans Avenue and east 17th Stret, the nine times he and i went to see shrek together at the cinema… all these things made up the summer that shaped my heart and the pace it beats at now. The most special memory I have of him is the last time I saw him in person. It was March 6^th and I can remember every single tiny detail of those last ten minutes we spent together with perfect recollection. I remember how he smelled (of his deodorant and taco john’s), exactly how tall he was, how hard he held me, the fact that he couldn’t get out more than one sentence for the emotion and the way he held my hand when we parted ways… that memory will only be trumped with the first time we meet again, which I can only imagine will be the single most beautiful memory in the history of beautiful memories.

• Mini Mart… hands-down the greatest job I have ever had in my life… working the graveyard shift at that petrol station for those eight months was the best time in my teenage life. Everyone knew me and loved me and I met the most incredible array of people. You never had the same night working in a place like that… I still think back to all the special regular customers I had and all the fun shenanigans that I got up to working there with great fondness… ask me to tell you some of the stories some time, you’ll love them  

• Chris… despite the crap he and I went through towards the end I am still able to recall very well all the beautiful moments he and I shared. I remember how much I used to hate him when we first started talking and how, despite that animosity, I couldn’t WAIT for him to come online next so I could tell him about my day and ask him about England. I remember how nervous I was to ask him for his email address for the first time. I remember the first time I saw him in the airport… a fresh-faced 18-year-old on her first international journey. I was terrified and excited and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I remember exactly how he looked and exactly how long I watched him until he noticed me (42 seconds). I remember how nervous I was in the back room at the registrar’s, waiting to be allowed to walk down the aisle to my waiting fiancé. I remember our first dance as husband and wife. I remember the day we walked out to the pet shop to pick out our guinea pigs and how excited we were to play with them when we got home. There are so, so many things I remember. So many special things that only he and I would find beautiful, but that have offered the perfect amount of wonderful to my life thus far.

•  Ashley... the memories i have with this girl are so SO huge and outrageously beautiful that i could never, ever pin down a small list of memories her and i have created together. when i think of this girl i am immediately submerged into an ocean of beautiful thrifting adventures, late-night car rides, finding god-awful clothes in ross and limitless village inn dates (WITH RANCH DRESSING ON THE SIDE!!). she has been the sparkle that made me who i am and i can never, ever do our memories justice. our epic summer of wonderment was everything hollywood makes them out to be, they are life-changing, forever memorable and worth every single second of it. she has been my rock in so many situations and our memories have fueled me through some horrible times. i simply adore to think about all the other memories we will make.... meeting more frightening people at Arc or watching more mullets at the mall... every memory i have with her i cherish more than most. 

i would never be able to list every beautiful memory i have... memories that bounce around my mind that feature lee lee and george and hannah. i adore my life and the memories i have made. 

here's to a billion more.

7: love my life: for all the advice i didn't follow...

and oh was there a lot! i guess the easiest thing to do would be to list it... the ones i can remember, anyway...

• i shouldn't look different... my ENTIRE life all i had were my sisters and mum telling me not to get tattoos, stretch my ears, get piercings or dye my hair... i used to have a massive collection of newspaper or magazine clippings that my sister seemingly collected EVERY time she saw a new one describing how difficult it was to get a job or make friends whilst looking 'alternative.' i love that i didn't listen to them because i simply adore the creature i am today... dyed, tattoo'd, stretched and never, ever matching. 
• stick with the marriage... even today when i speak to my sisters they harass me and tell me that i should have tried harder on my marriage with chris. even after i have told them that it isn't going to happen they still hound me, telling me that chris was a good person and i should have tried harder to make it work with him.... i know today without a shadow of a doubt that this has been the best decision of my life and i will never, ever live to regret it. 

right, i guess there were only two. i've been sat for the last hour trying to remember more but i can't... i guess i was never that much of a rebel. i did heed a lot of the advice that my family and friends offered me.

so there we are.

6: love my life: for all the friends i will get...

as much as i am rebelling against finding new friends, i cannot help but think that i will very regularly meet creatures that i adore and will need to spend the rest of my life entwined in a love affair with.

i can only expect that once i have moved back to america that i will meet creatures via the muffin and ashley and everyone.

i am SUPER excited to meet all the georgia creatures i've been speaking to. stephanie, alex and curtis! i'm excited to meet all the muffin's tattoo beasts in washington and tim and oh so many people. every day he mentions more people he cannae wait for me to meet and i honestly can't either. i love to imagine that i will become friends with tiny molly and ryu... that we will prance often and create amazing things together.

then, THEN!! there are my favourite beast's beasts! i simply cannot WAIT to prance back to america and meet all the people that have been keeping my favourite american beast company for the last five years. prarie is one that i am particularly excited about, but anyone there who calls me 'the cupcake lady' (a name i seem to have made for myself world-wide now) will immediately be my bff.

obviously, there are other creatures i will meet in my life. no doubt every one of them will blow my mind... no doubt i will fall in love with every single one of them... i worry that i will meet the bulk of them before i leave england, which will make it even HARDER to leave. i HATE to imagine who i will meet when pow pow and i have seriously started working on johnny.... i have met so many astounding people through my pow pow already that it terrifies me to think what other cats he has in his bag.

hopefully they are pretty.

5: love my life: for the wonderful journey's i've had...

i have been incredibly fortunate in my life. fortunate because i have had and seized many opportunities that most people haven't. i guess, like everything else, the best way to cover this is via list... this list is mostly going to be made up of more deep, metaphorical journeys, rather than actual lois and clark-style treks. i find my journeys are more special anyways.

enjoy!

• attention homes... there is no journey that i have embarked on in my life that i am more thankful for. going into the home was the single most important thing that has happened to me and i can honestly say that were it not for that home, i would absolutely not be the person i am today. that home shaped me into the forgiving, confident, personable individual that i am today and i will never, ever be able to express my gratitude enough. all the things i saw and experienced whilst in the home from the concerts to the house lockdowns, they were all just the most perfect combination of everything i needed and i will forever be in the debt of the staff of that facility. 
• my mum... everything i went through with my mum. many of you don't know a great deal about my past, but essentially, my mum fell ill when i was very young and i was left to care for her for several years. all the things that i went through surrounding that were special... prior to her falling ill though, we had many, MANY magical adventures. gah... getting a little sad thinking about it. my mum was always such an amazing woman. she always, ALWAYS gave me the best she had to give. before she fell ill she took me so many places and did everything she could for me. i wish i had more photos of her and i from when i was younger. after going into the nursing home, every visit i  had with her, no matter how painful, was so, so special. oftentimes our visits would just feature me laying on her bed whilst she scratched my head and i mused about how much i loved chris. she loved me more than anybody ever has and i will always remember that. the love that she always made me feel. 
• england... there is no bigger journey than the one where you realize all of your life's dreams. since i was a wee child i always, ALWAYS wanted to move to england. i remember when i turned eight i started calling my mom 'mum' and spelling words with a 'u.' everyone laughed at me and i just smiled because i knew something they didn't... i knew that i would eventually live in a country where this was regular practice and then, THEN they would all see who was laughing. i am here today, five years into the life i had always dreamed of and couldn't have EVER imagined anything better. living in england is everything i could have imagined it would be and then more. i feel so much like i fit in here and like this is where i belong. the people i have met, things i have seen and foods i have eat have all been EXACTLY how i hoped they would be. i adore the fact that i decided to get on that plane on that outrageously beautiful november day. i adore the fact that i decided to come out of the bedroom that even when pow pow came round to say hi to stu and chris. i especially adore the fact that i know, without a doubt that this particular journey is not over... this journey, my life in england will never, ever end. i will continue coming back as i know that this is where i belong in the long run. 
• my mental health... and what a journey this has been! whilst very trying at times, there is nothing that helps one learn more about themselves than mental and emotional turmoil. i have plunged into the deepest depths of myself and come out with a new and humble view on life. it feels as though i went through the last several years of chaos only to learn how to rebuild myself bigger and better than i was before. every single time i go through an 'episode' i seem to get lost and find just what i need to make it through that with little or no hindrance. having mental health problems is something that is indescribable. the things you are given the chance to see within yourself and others are incredible. 
• friends... jesus crisps. every single person i have ever met in the course of my entire life has offered me some form of a journey. from stuart, who was an amazingly close friend and eventually turned into satan... from pow pow, who has been one of the single most important creatures i have ever met... to janey, who has saved me from myself more times than i am able to count. every person that has swooped in and out of my life has been my companion in a fabulous adventure that has shaped my life (and hopefully theirs). 
• the muffin... and what a fucking journey THAT has been! from meeting him ten years ago and falling immediately in love with him, to spending every single day for several months with him in a bundle of love and kisses, to seeing him for the last time on march 6th 2002... this boy has offered me one of the most prolific journeys of my life. he has single-handedly taught me more about people, forgiveness and love than any combination of events or people ever could. there is not a time over the last ten years that i haven't thought about him or wondered about what his face looked like at that particular moment. he has had an all-consuming hold over me and i wouldn't have it any other way. i always knew the danie/danish journey wasn't over, but i never, ever imagined it would be making a stop here, at my house, in england... i couldn't have imagined it and i couldn't be happier about it.

4: love my life: for the friends i have

oh my actual god! there are just far too many... too TOO many. SO many creatures are in my life and i just don't know where i would be without them.

i was speaking with pow pow last night about my leaving and i said something that i tend to say to everyone lately... 'god, i just fucking don't want to meet ANYONE else before i move!' it is a mantra i have been repeating over and over again for the last month or so... the reasoning behind this is that i just don't have ANY idea how i am going to fit in any more hugs or 'i miss you's' in the next nine months. i just don't want to have to get attached to anybody else.

i have SO many special people in my life at the moment and i know... i know for absolutely certain that i will never, EVER meet anyone to replace them. when i move back to america i will have a pow pow-shaped hole in my heart, alongside janey, jaacqy, theo and hannah-shaped holes. my heart will be like a really sad piece of cheese.

anyways, back to the pow pow conversation. as soon as i said that he reprimanded me... said that i should never wish that... and i guess in a lot of ways i don't REALLY wish it. i just absolutely HATE the thought of having to have even more people to pine after when i return home.

le sigh!

please enjoy this montage of creatures that make my life worth living.

it is these creatures, along with hundreds of others that make my life worth living. thank you... thank you so much.

3: Love my life - for all my certainties

there are many things in my life that i am certain of... many, many things. i hadn't really realized it until i read this question and sat back to have a think... a lot of people say that there is nothing one can be certain for in life, but i know that there are MANY things i can count on.

a list of my certainties is as follows:

• the fact that, despite my concerns, my sisters will support any decision i make... i KNOW they will be worried about things. i KNOW they love me. i KNOW that any time they show worry or doubt, it is because they don't want to see me hurt. there is a lot of tension built up around the whole muffin thing... i have not told them about him yet because i want to make SURE before i start world war three. there will be mass devastation and i know this... i know this and am happy to accept the brunt of it because i know they will freak out because they love me. i am their little sister and they always warm to the decisions i make, when they see that i am a strong girl who can deal with it... it's nice to have that kind of love in my life.
• the solid friendships i have... i am very aware of the fact that there are some friends in my life, the BIG ONES that will be there for me through thick and bloody thin. people like janey, jaacq, pow pow, ashley and dane... they are the ones that are stuck with me forever. the ones that will always think about me and offer me their opinions and just love me. my friends are incredible ones who are the most supportive, strong, wonderful people and i would most certainly not feel strong enough to deal with all of the stuff i am doing at the moment were it not for them.
• the muffin's love for me... there is not one single, tiny, little doubt in my mind that the love that the muffin i call danish harbours for me is pure, fabulous and will last until the end of time. this revalation, whilst fairly old news, became all the more clear last night when i was talking to him about my concerns for when he's returned to america and i am still here. i asked him what should make me believe i could trust him, to which he replied that he has never, ever felt this way about anyone ever. he explained some very personal things that he has gone through in his head that i don't really wish to divulge here, but rest assured that they were sweet, heart felt and made this girl cry. the things he and i feel for one another are off the charts and it makes me happy and thankful every day to be able to say that i have officially found THE ONE... this is forever, kids, fasten your seatbelts because it will be intense.
• that every decision i have made in my life up until this very moment has made me the most perfect version of myself i can possibly be... i love who i am today. i love the things i have done to get where i am today. i am certain that there is not one single decision i have made in the past twenty-five years that has hindered me in any way. i am where i am and who i am, which is the best and most up-to-date version of danie on the market, because of the things i  have done, seen, smelled, tasted and heard. i am certain that there is no way that danie could be any more improved. i am certain that i am living my life to it's fullest potential as a result of all the decisions i have made and things i have done.

and it is those things i am certain of... i am sure there are more, but they are the huge ones. 

2: Love my life - for what i am yet to receive

love your life for what you are yet to receive

there are countless things i am yet to receive, things that i am really not even able to fathom. clearly, every day i receive new things... memories, people, items, cuddles, etc. each of these things are what keeps me going.

it is for these small, wonderful that i exist.

i am aware that over the next year, particularly, i will be in receipt of a great deal of fantastical things... the things that i can think i would be so lucky to get are as follows:

• new people and friends
• going-away gifts when i move
• my citizenship
• tickets to america
• a home to stay in with my sister upon my arrival back to america
• perhaps at LEAST seven more gifts from the muffin
• christmas cards
• SO many cuddles for SO many creatures
• letters from my grandma
• at least ten more paycheques from workies
• a multitude of memories
• tattoos from janeyface
• the opportunity to see the muffin for the (third) first time
• a painting that pow pow has done for me
• my Kenwood Kmixer
• the beginning of a new and outrageously beautiful chapter in the book of danie and dane
• my divorce

i think that's it for now... those are things i can think of that i KNOW will be coming into my life in the future that will make every single day worth plodding on for, because i know they will be coming.

it is difficult, because i know that every single day offers me something new, something that will inspire me to love my life even more than i did before. i just need to make sure i am humble enough to be able to notice them and not take them for granted.

1: Love my life - for everything i already have

so, as i have mentioned before, i found an amazing site that is really inspiring and has helped me put a few things in my life into perspective.

i found a particular list on that site that lists 77 reasons to love your life... and i plan to evaluate each of these reasons seperately so i can ensure i am loving my life to the fullest of it's capacity. a lot of these answers will most likely take the form of lists (OMGLISTS!) and photos, but i want to be as concise and forward as i possibly can be.

please enjoy!

love your life for everything you already have

i have so many amazing things in my life... so many that it would not be possible to even list everything, but i can attempt to ensure that the big things, they get a mention here. please see below:

• my friends... without them i have NO idea where i would be. they are just the most amazing, inspiring and loving people in the world and without them, all of this stuff that i am going through would have killed me. and not just like, EVERYONE, but i am talking the big ones... the ones that have made my life easier by cuddling me, talking to me and letting me cry. beasts like hannah, janey, the muffin, powers, lee lee, jaacq, ashley, theo, charlie, alex, eleanor, goncalves, tree, meek... these people, they make my world. they are the ones that make my world spin and without them, i would cease to exist.
• my job... i am so in love with my job. being relied on and generally feeling needed, it is so nice and makes it just THAT much easier to get up in the mornings. i know when i come into work people will appreciate the world i do and will thank me. it really does take the sting out of my day to know that i can say that i am honestly happy with my job, as it is one of the places that i spend most of the time through the week and... i just love it.
• my STUFF... i just have SO many things... if you have been to my house you have been lucky enough to have seen my walls which are stacked far too high with THINGS. nothing special, just things. no matter how much stuff i have though, i can promise you that for each item, i can name where i got it, who i was with and what went through my mind when i selected it. i love every single tiny knick-knack, book, mug and ball of wool i have. i love all of my things, each for their own wonderful memory and appearance.
• my health... whilst not AMAZING, i still have SOME semblance of health and i am happy about that. i am very aware of my own health problems and have a fairly good idea of when something is wrong with me. i'm not physically ill in any way and my mental health problems are... okay... at the moment. i am well and i love that.
• my creativity... i LOVE this about me. it is quite possibly one of my favourite things about me. i even shock myself sometimes with the things i am able to create. i totally free-style and rock people's socks when i come out with something. i love my abilities.

i think those are the big ones... i just love everything about my life. every little thing. it is wonderful and i cannot imagine it ever being better than it is today, bar, perhaps when i get to be with the muffin for forever, that'll be nice.