a tuesday full to the brim...

two tuesdays missed and with good reason. i've been prancing with family, discovering new things and getting freaking married! the last nineteen days have been a whirlwind of every single emotion and facial expression possible. never have i been able to cram so many important and beautiful moments into such a small amount of time. i've tried to note a few of them down, so let's see what i can churn out.

have my list!

the way Muffin went to get me five chocolate bars for my period... and oh but i was SO WOMBY! there was writhing, whining and some other "w" word i can't think of. i was bloated and miserable and i actually wanted to die. after about twenty minutes of me kicking my legs at him whilst he played Black Ops he gave in and decided to pull on some trousers and a shirt and trudge out to the car destined for the supermarket. half an hour later he returned home, his face beaming with pride as he sat on the sofa next to me and unloaded five chocolate bars and a cola, all of which were purchased purely to relieve my womb. there's no more special boy that my Muffin, because no matter how whiny and cranky i might be, he will always take care of me the best he can.
body popping
Jay Novello
bacon and cheddar soup
the way cats look like they're smiling as they fall asleep
Rip Torn
fast food cups with wax on them... you know, the old ones that aren't around so much anymore? we went to a place called Dick's recently and they served me up a malt in one of those bad boys and i immediately shrieked with glee at the clerk and my sister and Muffin and everyone i came into contact with.
planes that can be used on water
Squidward
driving
Roseanne's Halloween episodes
how much i laugh with LaDonna... and oh GOD do we laugh! i love her so much and every single tiny moment we spent together during her trip here meant the world to me. i loved being able to laugh with her constantly about nothing and everything during each meal and shopping trip. she's so special to me and i adore her.
scary films
tugboats
airports
Molly... the adorable little lady who is now a huge part of my life. the three days we just got to spend with her were really important for her, for Muffin and for me. she's so much fun, so smart and literally one of the most beautiful children i have ever seen in my entire life. there'll be another blog on her and her visit coming up soon. i've started it, i just need to finish it. it's taking a lot of adjustments to make it perfect.
chai tea
surprising my family with how domesticated i am now
carnival glass
being able to talk about my mum and have someone get it... that was the greatest thing about having LaDonna visit, to be able to have the chance to talk candidly about my mum and have someone understand and respond.
HUGE mugs
when small animals stop trees from being felled
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
Tom Savini
eyelashes
caterpillars
Tangled
donuts
talking to Janey again... because lord knows i've missed her so much. we had two hours of phone-time a couple of weeks ago and hearing her voice and being able to make that connection again was really important for me, it helped to push me towards the confidence i needed to get on with my life. to be stronger, happier and less anxious. i miss her such an incredible amount and wish so much that i could see her again soon. sigh.
being the front "guide" car in a driving adventure... you know when you are showing someone how to get someplace, so you lead them via car? yeah, i got to take that leap into adulthood a little over a week ago and it made me feel delighted and like i had limitless power.
mac and cheese fritters
Michael J Fox
Evan
cream cheese
Las Vegas Rolls
Ted in Scrubs
Boris... our officiant, tattooist and a general, all-around cuddly bear.
Pat... Boris's brother an super-fun guy!
my red shoes... the amazingly sexy shoes that LaDonna bought me for the wedding. they are SO beautiful.
thermal imagining camera footage
watching Boris kiss and hug Carmen... Carmen's my other sister. my sister who is not at all warm, cuddly or or open to affection, so when i saw Boris grab her into a gigantic embrace that ended with a kiss on her head, i clutched Muffin and giggled uncontrollably.
WEDDING... but OH there will be a blog!
malts
watching people build fences
Jared's speech
freshly washed hair
cocktail sauce
when toilets are referred to as "latrines"
my beast... because having Ashley at my wedding and in my house the days prior to my wedding meant more to me than any other thing that the days running up to my wedding could have meant. she was my rock, my inspiration and kept me completely in line with the schedules of the days. i love her so much and could never thank her enough for everything she did.
spicy mcchickens
sports bras
Ernest
Ernest's laugh
starfish
feeling comfortable enough to play on the beach in my swimsuit/pants
being a part of moments so special that i had no choice but to cry... seeing Muffin play in the sea for the first time since he was a kid, seeing the glee on his face and seeing the sun set with his arms around me... all of those things made my evening so perfect. as i watched him prance into the sea with giggles echoing across the beach i fell completely in awe of how in love i am with him and our life together. 
the Orkin adverts... please see below:


 

just a list, i'm distracted.

White Oleander... the simple beauty that this film is made of is one of the only reasons that i have been able to drag myself into watching it again today, for the first time in nearly ten years. it's a painful film for me. i read the book when i was sixteen and fell completely in love with it in between tears. i'm not completely sure where the tears came from, but a large part of them were born from my own rather painful upbringing... reminders of my mum and her erratic behaviours that thrust me into a position of adulthood long before it was called for. watching it again today, although i'm only eight minutes into it, is taking me back to my youth, days i had packed away long ago to make room in my life for more beautiful memories... sometimes, though, it's necessary to got through those boxes, just to remember where you came from.
swiftlets
animals on talent shows... there's very little i find more delightful than when i'm watching any of the gazillion talent shows on telly and having someone step in front of any assortment of judges with a dog or a cat or a monkey who has a special and adorable talent. i always, without fail, get giddy and squealy when a poodle pushes some billiard balls to a corner pocket or when a persian prances on it's hind legs to a jazzy showtune.
chocolate milk
sweet potato fries
fountains
nutrias... because who doesn't love giant rodents?!
armadillos
iguanas
NOT having hives... last week i nearly died. no word of a lie, i actually almost died. my head had started itching in the early afternoon last wednesday... by the time i had gone to bed my entire body was itchy. i didn't actually fall asleep until around three and then woke again within twenty minutes completely certain i was going to die. i decided there was no point in staying in bed and when i stepped into the light of the dining room i found the whole of my body covered in hives. every single inch of me had hives on it. when Muffin finally got up for work he found he sitting at the computer cranky, weepy and scratching. i lept into a hot bath filled with baking soda as he left for work only to return ten minutes later with some benadryl. once i emerged from the bath i laid on the sofa and pretty much died. i slept literally the rest of the day. since then, i am terrified of any tiny itch that i have, for fear that i might break out again. my very first experience of hived was far too dramatic for me to have to experience again.
lemongrass
sea lions
when an actor's character's name in a film is the same as theirs
how taut the skin is over a bruise
making Muffin smile on Father's Day
mcbreakfasts
ferris wheels
Thrashin'
digging in other people's coat pockets
rotary phones
the sound effects on Scrubs
Jack from Will and Grace
the sound of air raid sirens
the 1812 Overture 

she would have been...

yesterday, my mum would have turned sixty-five.

for the last two weeks i've been battling some rather ugly emotions surrounding my mum and the fact that this was the sixth birthday of hers that she's missed. the sixth birthday that we've not gathered as a family and celebrated the fact that she was another year older with a pile of suitably tacky fibre-optic angels and country-music cd's.

to everyone it's just another day now. not a day for celebrating or eating cake. it's a day of nothing special for anyone but me, it seems.


my mind's been a mess, thinking about her and waking from dreams of her being alive. dreams that have make me spend the following morning doubled-over, missing her face and her hugs.

i've been attempting to dissect the things i've been experiencing in the last several weeks and all i can conclude is that she's gone and there was nothing i could have done about it. one day she was there and then she wasn't... she was ill, in hospital and i was five thousand miles away and completely helpless. all i did was stop calling as often because it was too painful for me, not thinking about the pain she was having to endure. 

whilst i was in england it was easier for me to hide from her pain. i didn't have to listen to countless doctors listing the new medications they would try. i didn't have to see her arms covered in bruises left in the wake of medications that made her skin fragile as a peach. over there i could happily prance through the supermarket without having to see her favourite type of bread, which would inevitably leave me feeling that familiar pang of loss in my chest from knowing that my time helping her with her shopping was cut horribly short because i left and she became more ill.

being back for her birthday has only really awarded me the chance to feel guilty for all the things i didn't tell her, all the times i didn't ring and all the photos i didn't take.

in an attempt to create some sort of connection and reason for my grieving this long after her death, i've been contacting my family to see how they're dealing with the loss... what they were planning to do for her birthday. i spoke to my sisters, grandparents and aunty... most of them didn't even seem to remember or want to mention that it was her birthday.

ladonna was the only one who mentioned our mum. she said that it's not her birthday that upsets her, but more the anniversary of her death (august thirty-first). i tried to understand why THAT day, the day we've only had to live with for six years, was more emotional for her than the day that was celebrated with a combination of hugs, tacky romance novels and red lobster for fifty-nine years.

i sought to grasp how the fact that we will never, ever be able to go and see her in her room filled with too many stuffed animals, arms filled with presents wrapped in glittery wrapping-paper... something we celebrated every year that i have been alive, could be less emotional than a day that we all had anticipated and grieved for already.

obviously, i don't think her pain is unjust, because i absolutely do still feel horrible botheration when that last day in august finally arrives and i am forced to remember that final phone call and the fact that i felt so helpless. i feel a pain that i wish so hard i could take away. i wish that i could go back in time and buy a ticket home the day she went back in the hospital so i could have been there, holding her hand and actually saying goodbye to her... making sure that she KNEW i loved her.

i so often feel like i wronged her for not having been there. for leaving to pursue my own future when i knew she was so fragile and needed me. i look at photos from her last birthday and i almost hate my sisters for having been able to be there. for having been able to spend the day listening to her talk and watching her smile.

that's what i miss the most. her smile. it was so simple and beautiful and she offered it so often for no reason other than that she was alive.

so, here i am, a day after she would have turned sixty-five... wishing i'd not missed so much, but also, hoping so much that she knows i still love her and think about her every single day. one day, hopefully, this will get easier.

it's five!

five years ago today... my sister was ringing me. you've all read about it, you all know the story. it was the call i knew the content of even before i answered the phone. my mum had died.

five days ago today, i was somewhere over the atlantic. i was still drunk and my eyeballs were still puffy from saying goodbye to all my favourites. i had taken six 10mg valium and just wanted to sleep but was distracted by the DISGUSTING woman sat next to me who refused to take her stupid neck-pillow-thing off, even whilst walking down the airplane aisle to her seat.

five hours ago i was in the middle of a jet-lag coma, certain i would never come out of it. i laid on the bed and apologized profusely to Muffin for being so tired. my head just simply refuses to play nicely with the Pacific time zone. i keep waking up when i would wake up in england... keep waking up and pining after the mornings when i would prance into Pow's room and squish his face until he was conscious enough to respond to breakfast and a cup of tea.

five minutes ago i was harassing janey on the Book of Face, missing the banter that we typically have... wanting so desperately to tell her of all the people that i have seen that she'd disapprove of just as much as me. deciding that i would have to begin the task of taking photos discreetly so i could share SOME form of my life with her like we used to.

america is treating me okay... like i said, i've been here five days, give or take a few hours. i've had more sex than you could shake a freaking stick at and have officially done one of those HUGE shops at Wal*Mart that features you having to sign away your firstborn (it was worth it though, as i now have the sexiest pair of knives i've ever seen and a hot pink mixing bowl). the charity shops have treated me well and my skin seems to LOVE the climate enough to stop breaking out at the drop of a fucking hat.

Washington is beautiful. Muffin is wonderful but has been over-compensating and feels the need to constantly try to impress me with the sights and points of interest in the area, when all i really want to do is sit and... actually, i've no idea what i want to do. at the end of a shopping trip or a mince around town i come home and just feel lost. i am here, in this house that is unfamiliar to me, has a distinct lack of my THINGS (because i'm a fucking retard who didn't pack until the last minute whilst she was drunk and weepy, thanks Nick, by the way). i've placed my fake teeth on the shelf and my books are over there on that chair, but it still doesn't feel like HOME.

my head is still in england... at least time-wise. i seem to be narcoleptic and enjoy falling asleep every chance i get... every opportunity there is for me to stop for even the slightest moment, i am out like a light.

being with Muffin is really, REALLY nice, but still feels incredibly strange. i keep picking out stupid faults and i don't know if it is because i'm scared and want to go home or if it's because i really, honestly am trying to look out for ME this time. i was laid in bed with him this evening, on my left side, nestled against his right, explaining to him that i loved him but that i really, REALLY need to be happy for me. the stupid thing? i feel guilty for saying that... for saying that i will get back on a plane in november if i am not happy. i need to be happy. i need to feel like i am thriving. i need to feel normal right now...

the most normal i felt was last night. i hadn't heard from Pow in ages so i rang him (i worry, A LOT and was fairly certain that he had died and was a bloated corpse in his bed with his purple and orange sheets strewn around him and just a tee-shirt on.). speaking to him immediately calmed me. his voice... all i can remember at the moment is those last few minutes at the airport. he was drunk (from birthdayfuntimes) and laid across two chairs. i held his hand and he rubbed my tiny thumb joint with is giant thumb. he snoozed and i watched him... trying, as usual to memorize his face. he opened his eyes and saw me staring. he squeezed my hand and said, "i'm gonna have to get used to this."

"to what?" i enquired.

"to you not being around."

instant weep. i squeezed him and he crawled onto the floor and laid his head on my lap and i scratched his head for an hour and kissed his face as i told him all my favourite things about him.

speaking to him again made things okay. made me feel like i could do this. he makes me feel strong and like the decisions i make are good ones and that i am actually a strong person who can make it through all this stuff... all the travel, stress, sad, worry, lonely and fear. he reminds me that in light of all those things, i will have cuddles, beautiful, lovely, warm, happy, smiles that i could never, ever replace. i love him and need to go call the takeaway.

the things my dreams are made of...

Last night I dreamed about my old house… 
I dreamed about my mum… 
It’s not often that I dream about her but when I do it is always incredibly vivid.
In my dreams she’s always alive and relatively well. I don’t ever dream about her being ill or not being there. If my mum is in my dream she is not just a memory, she is a real, living thing that I interact with and hold.
I always hold my mum in my dreams…  the way I wish I always had. I never held her enough when she was alive (that’s not to say that I held her at all when she was dead… I just made that sound incredibly odd. Just to be clear, I never once held my mum when she was dead… though I did touch her skin AND look down her top to investigate the colouration where no makeup had been applied).
Prior to moving to England I would visit her every two days between my shifts at Mini Mart and the mall… I would go to her room and lie on her bed and she would talk to me about what she won at pinochle or how well it went when she had called the numbers at BINGO the previous day. I would listen to her and snooze for the hour I had before having to get on the bus to my second job. She would talk about how she wished she could see the grandkids more and how proud she was of me.
Most every time I went to visit her I found myself unable to embrace her. I don’t know if it had to do with me being a sassy teen who was “too cool” to hug her mum or more to do with the fact that I was frightened of her being so ill, but hugging her… sigh, that’s it, isn’t it? I was terrified of her illness. Despite her large frame and outstandingly beautiful smile, she was so frail and I hated that. If you so much as brushed the skin on her arm she would bruise. She was forever covered in blemishes from where she had bumped herself on her wheelchair or the walls during her daily routines. I remember so clearly how tiny and frail her arms and hands always looked, the skin so perfect underneath all the bruises and cuts… the cause of the weak skin being her medication.
Medication time was always the most fun. Lamotrigine, Phenytoin, Hydrochlorothiazide, Amytriptiline, Levodopa, Glucophage, MAO-B Inhibitors, Wellbutrin… names of things that I forced myself to memorize from a young age but names that I should never have had to become familiar with. I would watch as she swallowed three of those little cups of brightly-coloured tablets to take away her pain, swelling, depression and sleeplessness. Some days they worked and other days she couldn’t cope. Other days she could barely leave her room. Other days I sometimes found it hard to look at her because her face reflected so much pain. I hated seeing my mum in pain. She would always try to smile but I could tell when it was fake… when she was putting it on to stop me from worrying.
But when I dream about her I never, ever have to worry. In most dreams she is suddenly as fit as she was when I was eleven… just before she fell very ill. In most dreams she always seems to have something I am looking for. Sometimes it’s a food I’m craving, other times she’ll be spending time with a friend I’ve been pining after. Last night it was an underskirt for one of my dresses. I went into her room at our old house and she said she had been going through her clothes. I laid on the bed and smelled it. It smelled like the sweet odour of her perfume and patchouli… there was an ocean of clothes scattered across the floor of every colour and fabric… some of them were actually ones she used to own, shirts that were silk or crushed velvet in deep purples and bright reds. I crawled to the floor and began sifting through her clothes, much the same way I used to when I was a child… I was mystified by all the things that she owned, wanting immediately to wear everything and to have her tell me I was beautiful. I lifted up her favourite shirt… it seemed so real, the way the fabric felt cool in my hands from the fan that had been blowing fresh air into the boiling summer atmosphere.
I kept digging, travelling from the foot of the bed into her wardrobe, touching all of the different fabrics to my face to smell them and memorize her scent. It was when I had reached the right-hand edge of her wardrobe that I found the underskirt… the perfect underskirt made from netting in several pinks and black, perfect for me to wear under my dress at my leaving party.
I put it on and it looked faultless. I pranced into the lounge where she was sat on her chair with the sunlight hitting her face. She was sleeping. I woke her up and she told me I looked beautiful and I hugged her. Her hair hit my face and it was so soft, smelling of a random mix of Herbal Essences shampoo and her perfume. I started talking to her about Muffin and the phone started to ring and I hopped up to answer it. I couldn’t find it and it got louder… then I woke up.
I woke up and missed her. I missed her so much it hurt today. The missing was made worse by a discussion that forced me out of my office this morning.
There’s a woman that used to work here who was diagnosed with cancer last year… cancer that spread through her entire body. She’s in her early sixties and last year was only given two weeks left to live. A year on she has just started her third bout of Chemo and Radiation-Therapy (as they have found a lump on her brain). Everyone is very close to this lady and it was discovered yesterday that she was in hospital and had been for quite some time. Two of my colleagues immediately went to see her and this morning every detail of their visit was explained from the way that she looked to the way she slurred her words.
It was at the mention of slurred words that I had to leave the room… I immediately bolted up and announced I had to go get a cola. For me, “slurred words” is synonymous with the last conversation I had with my mum… I still remember every single word that she said to me and just how her voice sounded as the phone was put to her ear. She couldn’t hear me through all the machinery whirring around her to keep her alive so she was shouting, presumably because she thought I had the same machinery keeping my ears from hearing correctly as well. My mum was on heavy doses of Morphine and Valium to help to ease the pain and everything she said sounded like it was being played to me in slow-motion. All of her words blended together and it made me hurt. I could hear what a struggle it was… I could hear her piecing the words together, not wanting to make a mistake, wanting to say everything as clearly and consciously as possible so as to not worry me.
I put down the phone after the nurse reassured me that she would be fine in the morning and I could ring then… I wept. I’ve no idea why I wept, but I did. I wept because I wasn’t there and couldn’t hold her, I wept because I had spent so much time being terrified of her illnesses, I wept because I loved her and was 8,000 miles away. All she ever wanted was to have me nearby and I left her.
Within four hours she had died and my sisters were booking my flight back to america.
I don’t know why exactly it is that when I dream of her I always find the things I’m looking for and I don’t know why exactly I never dream of her in any other way than how she was when I was eleven, but those are, without fail, always my favourite dreams.

8: love my life: for my beautiful memories...

my life seems to be one constant beautiful memory… every single thing that happens in my life is just another piece of the puzzle that makes my life as blissfully fabulous as it is.. I guess the best way to do this entry justice would be for me to list the things in my life that have caused me beautiful memories… this’ll be a long one. Brace yourself

• My mum… it is difficult to pick out individual memories… I recall so many magical little things that made everything with her beautiful. I remember as a child I would always say that the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life was my mum sleeping and I still reckon that holds a spot in the top five. I loved her face… her laugh and smile. There are a flurry of memories from my childhood especially that were made distinctive because of my mum… things like trips to crazy horse mountain or summer visits to embassy suites. When she was still able to drive I remember car rides with her being miraculous… we would sing and talk and there was NEVER anything I couldn’t talk to her about. I remember the months prior to my moving to the UK, how I would go visit her in the home at least once a week and we would eat and sit around and watch films or telly… those days with her were the most special because we had so many of them and because she always made me feel so loved. I remember the last time I saw her in person… November 19^th 2004… that was the morning I left for England. She was devastated. I remember how her face looked, how hard she held me and what she smelled like. I remember the last time I spoke to her… It was horrific, but I would have regretted it for the rest of my life had I not rung her that night. She told me how much she loved me, that I meant everything to her…. My mum was the most wonderfully beautiful, giving woman in the world and I wouldn’t trade her or my memories of her for anything.

• Janey… the memories I have with my janeyface are so much more different than any of the memories I will have with anybody else in the world. Our time together is spent in a beautiful little flurry of being lewd, inappropriate, offensive and utterly and completely ourselves. When she and I are together we fall into a world that completely spins for just the two of us… nobody else exists. Chris always hated it when she came to visit and theo still hates it when we are together because we immediately begin to set one another off in the most improper and fabulous of ways. My memories of her date back to the first time we met in person… that fabulous summer’s day that she came up to derby and stepped off the bus to my little smiling face. The next night we began our string of outrageous memories by writhing all over the floor of the local pub to bon jovi’s ‘always’ with claire. Every single janeydaniepartytime since has just been better and better. Racist shopping adventures, lesbian chats, hot-boxing her lounge with our horrendous gas and more shopping adventures than anybody could ever fathom. Janey is such a beautifully wonderful person and I will no doubt know her and continue making offensive memories with her until one of us dies of some horrendous disease or car accident.

• Alastair… over the last five years the bulk of my beautiful memories have come from pow pow…he and I have gone on some of the most amazingly fabulous adventures ever. He is the one person I have watched more films with, had more cups of tea with and talked to more than anybody else. Things as simple as all our swimming dates two years ago will fall high on the list of beautiful memories I have in my life. Most of the moments I spend with him are extraordinary for me because I exist in complete awe of him… he is an astoundingly beautiful, talented and magical person and to spend as much time as I do with him and to be as close to him as I am makes me feel so outrageously special. Every day I get to see him makes me feel like the things I do and say are worth something because he agrees with or admires it. There are just so many memories to pick from… if I had to name one particularly beautiful memory, I would have to hark back to the night the incident happened (September 26^th 2008). The whole night was beautiful despite the obviously horrific event. Pow pow and I had gone swimming, went out for a cup of tea at big blue with alex and jaacqy, moved on to wetherspoons where I bore witness to his sally jessi impression for the first time and then on to the rest of the night… post-incident, jaacqy and I went back to pow pow’s and I laid on the couch talking to mark until he returned home and immediately laid on top of me and held me for ages. He just laid there and hugged me. He held me like he was trying to hold all the pain out of me and to this day, nobody has ever been successful at giving me a better cuddle, ever… I doubt they ever will.

• Concertina Turner… the summer of 2007 was made perfect because of one thing. That thing was concertina turner and the butchers. I honestly couldn’t believe it when claire and mark asked me to be in the band… I  never showed any outward abilities musically… why ME?! Who bloody cares, is what I answer now! That was the best time of my life. Playing music with the five of them was the most fun I have ever had. Those months that we played together were completely fuelled by chris’s homemade mead and the cheers of drunken onlookers. There are so many swirling memories that I can grasp out of the air, but when I have to pick just one, it is always jerry… I LOVE to remember how jerry and I used to watch one another when we played. He was such a beautiful man and I love every single song we ever had the chance to play together.

• Dane... there is not one single memory I don’t cherish about this boy. I drive him insane during every conversation asking him to tell me what things he remembers or what his favourite memories are. Those fabulous months in the summer of 2001 were so, so special... the random late-night car journeys, the trip to the water tower, our first kiss on the corner of Evans Avenue and east 17th Stret, the nine times he and i went to see shrek together at the cinema… all these things made up the summer that shaped my heart and the pace it beats at now. The most special memory I have of him is the last time I saw him in person. It was March 6^th and I can remember every single tiny detail of those last ten minutes we spent together with perfect recollection. I remember how he smelled (of his deodorant and taco john’s), exactly how tall he was, how hard he held me, the fact that he couldn’t get out more than one sentence for the emotion and the way he held my hand when we parted ways… that memory will only be trumped with the first time we meet again, which I can only imagine will be the single most beautiful memory in the history of beautiful memories.

• Mini Mart… hands-down the greatest job I have ever had in my life… working the graveyard shift at that petrol station for those eight months was the best time in my teenage life. Everyone knew me and loved me and I met the most incredible array of people. You never had the same night working in a place like that… I still think back to all the special regular customers I had and all the fun shenanigans that I got up to working there with great fondness… ask me to tell you some of the stories some time, you’ll love them  

• Chris… despite the crap he and I went through towards the end I am still able to recall very well all the beautiful moments he and I shared. I remember how much I used to hate him when we first started talking and how, despite that animosity, I couldn’t WAIT for him to come online next so I could tell him about my day and ask him about England. I remember how nervous I was to ask him for his email address for the first time. I remember the first time I saw him in the airport… a fresh-faced 18-year-old on her first international journey. I was terrified and excited and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I remember exactly how he looked and exactly how long I watched him until he noticed me (42 seconds). I remember how nervous I was in the back room at the registrar’s, waiting to be allowed to walk down the aisle to my waiting fiancé. I remember our first dance as husband and wife. I remember the day we walked out to the pet shop to pick out our guinea pigs and how excited we were to play with them when we got home. There are so, so many things I remember. So many special things that only he and I would find beautiful, but that have offered the perfect amount of wonderful to my life thus far.

•  Ashley... the memories i have with this girl are so SO huge and outrageously beautiful that i could never, ever pin down a small list of memories her and i have created together. when i think of this girl i am immediately submerged into an ocean of beautiful thrifting adventures, late-night car rides, finding god-awful clothes in ross and limitless village inn dates (WITH RANCH DRESSING ON THE SIDE!!). she has been the sparkle that made me who i am and i can never, ever do our memories justice. our epic summer of wonderment was everything hollywood makes them out to be, they are life-changing, forever memorable and worth every single second of it. she has been my rock in so many situations and our memories have fueled me through some horrible times. i simply adore to think about all the other memories we will make.... meeting more frightening people at Arc or watching more mullets at the mall... every memory i have with her i cherish more than most. 

i would never be able to list every beautiful memory i have... memories that bounce around my mind that feature lee lee and george and hannah. i adore my life and the memories i have made. 

here's to a billion more.

7: love my life: for all the advice i didn't follow...

and oh was there a lot! i guess the easiest thing to do would be to list it... the ones i can remember, anyway...

• i shouldn't look different... my ENTIRE life all i had were my sisters and mum telling me not to get tattoos, stretch my ears, get piercings or dye my hair... i used to have a massive collection of newspaper or magazine clippings that my sister seemingly collected EVERY time she saw a new one describing how difficult it was to get a job or make friends whilst looking 'alternative.' i love that i didn't listen to them because i simply adore the creature i am today... dyed, tattoo'd, stretched and never, ever matching. 
• stick with the marriage... even today when i speak to my sisters they harass me and tell me that i should have tried harder on my marriage with chris. even after i have told them that it isn't going to happen they still hound me, telling me that chris was a good person and i should have tried harder to make it work with him.... i know today without a shadow of a doubt that this has been the best decision of my life and i will never, ever live to regret it. 

right, i guess there were only two. i've been sat for the last hour trying to remember more but i can't... i guess i was never that much of a rebel. i did heed a lot of the advice that my family and friends offered me.

so there we are.

5: love my life: for the wonderful journey's i've had...

i have been incredibly fortunate in my life. fortunate because i have had and seized many opportunities that most people haven't. i guess, like everything else, the best way to cover this is via list... this list is mostly going to be made up of more deep, metaphorical journeys, rather than actual lois and clark-style treks. i find my journeys are more special anyways.

enjoy!

• attention homes... there is no journey that i have embarked on in my life that i am more thankful for. going into the home was the single most important thing that has happened to me and i can honestly say that were it not for that home, i would absolutely not be the person i am today. that home shaped me into the forgiving, confident, personable individual that i am today and i will never, ever be able to express my gratitude enough. all the things i saw and experienced whilst in the home from the concerts to the house lockdowns, they were all just the most perfect combination of everything i needed and i will forever be in the debt of the staff of that facility. 
• my mum... everything i went through with my mum. many of you don't know a great deal about my past, but essentially, my mum fell ill when i was very young and i was left to care for her for several years. all the things that i went through surrounding that were special... prior to her falling ill though, we had many, MANY magical adventures. gah... getting a little sad thinking about it. my mum was always such an amazing woman. she always, ALWAYS gave me the best she had to give. before she fell ill she took me so many places and did everything she could for me. i wish i had more photos of her and i from when i was younger. after going into the nursing home, every visit i  had with her, no matter how painful, was so, so special. oftentimes our visits would just feature me laying on her bed whilst she scratched my head and i mused about how much i loved chris. she loved me more than anybody ever has and i will always remember that. the love that she always made me feel. 
• england... there is no bigger journey than the one where you realize all of your life's dreams. since i was a wee child i always, ALWAYS wanted to move to england. i remember when i turned eight i started calling my mom 'mum' and spelling words with a 'u.' everyone laughed at me and i just smiled because i knew something they didn't... i knew that i would eventually live in a country where this was regular practice and then, THEN they would all see who was laughing. i am here today, five years into the life i had always dreamed of and couldn't have EVER imagined anything better. living in england is everything i could have imagined it would be and then more. i feel so much like i fit in here and like this is where i belong. the people i have met, things i have seen and foods i have eat have all been EXACTLY how i hoped they would be. i adore the fact that i decided to get on that plane on that outrageously beautiful november day. i adore the fact that i decided to come out of the bedroom that even when pow pow came round to say hi to stu and chris. i especially adore the fact that i know, without a doubt that this particular journey is not over... this journey, my life in england will never, ever end. i will continue coming back as i know that this is where i belong in the long run. 
• my mental health... and what a journey this has been! whilst very trying at times, there is nothing that helps one learn more about themselves than mental and emotional turmoil. i have plunged into the deepest depths of myself and come out with a new and humble view on life. it feels as though i went through the last several years of chaos only to learn how to rebuild myself bigger and better than i was before. every single time i go through an 'episode' i seem to get lost and find just what i need to make it through that with little or no hindrance. having mental health problems is something that is indescribable. the things you are given the chance to see within yourself and others are incredible. 
• friends... jesus crisps. every single person i have ever met in the course of my entire life has offered me some form of a journey. from stuart, who was an amazingly close friend and eventually turned into satan... from pow pow, who has been one of the single most important creatures i have ever met... to janey, who has saved me from myself more times than i am able to count. every person that has swooped in and out of my life has been my companion in a fabulous adventure that has shaped my life (and hopefully theirs). 
• the muffin... and what a fucking journey THAT has been! from meeting him ten years ago and falling immediately in love with him, to spending every single day for several months with him in a bundle of love and kisses, to seeing him for the last time on march 6th 2002... this boy has offered me one of the most prolific journeys of my life. he has single-handedly taught me more about people, forgiveness and love than any combination of events or people ever could. there is not a time over the last ten years that i haven't thought about him or wondered about what his face looked like at that particular moment. he has had an all-consuming hold over me and i wouldn't have it any other way. i always knew the danie/danish journey wasn't over, but i never, ever imagined it would be making a stop here, at my house, in england... i couldn't have imagined it and i couldn't be happier about it.

giving thanks and other miscellany...

on the last thursday of every november i have always been raised to use that day as a chance to give thanks and eat.

this year i did not eat and i gave little or no thanks.

i had planned the day several weeks in advance because of this stupid divorce. i HAD to plan in advance so i could make sure i wasn't completely alone on another of the holidays that i love so much.

it was planned that i would prance over to pow pow's with a cheesecake and some dvd's and we would lie around like lazy pigs, watch telly all day and consume shocking amounts of confection.

fyi, not one of those things occurred.

i arrived at his house to see that he was a bit of a tired, disheveled-looking mess. i beamed as i handed him the paint i had brought for him and he just took it and immediately started working on a painting he is doing for me.

i proceeded to make cups of tea and talk to him as he painted. we talked about my plans for moving back to america and whether i had any definite plans set in place, to which i replied that i did... i outlined them and then it hit me, i am going to be moving in ten months, FORTY weeks! upon this announcement alastair claimed the conversation had to be over as it would depress him.

we talked about other things... i asked him what he was thankful for and he mindlessly listed off a few things, exuding more apathy for my being there than anything else.

the rest of the evening was just a montage of cups of tea, paint and some song that he is working on for a film. he was just completely out of it and wrapped-up in his own little world, meaning that i was only gifted two moments through the course of the evening that could be defined as 'nice.'

i just wish sometimes that he would snap to his senses and realize that some of his decisions are SO destructive and it really hurts the people he loves to see him spiral the way he does. i have spent more time during the course of our friendship worrying about him than i have having magical adventures and dates. i hate that i have to worry about him so much... hopefully, this cycle of destruction will end soon and we will have more magical days before i move back to america.

anyways, i feel it is important for me to highlight all the things i am thankful for at the moment. i should have really done this list several days ago, but i have just been busy and tired and generally crap. please see below:

• the muffin... he's just number one on pretty much all of my lists all the time. everything he has done for me over the last seven weeks has been amazing and i know that were it not for him, i would not have gotten through all of this divorce crap as well as i have. he has been an amazingly solid friend who has stood by me and made me laugh even when i hurt the most. i could never, ever explain all the things i am thankful for about him. he is just made of actual magic and makes my life so much brighter and happier. everything will be alright as long as he and i are working together, i can feel that. i can feel the strength that he is helping to build up in me again. i can feel that everything is going to be okay from now on. perfectly okay.
• silicone bake-wear... literally, there is nothing that has made my life easier than a good set of silicone cupcake cases or a good silicone cake 'tin.'silicone is the best thing in the world and i don't know how i ever baked without it before. 
• alastair... despite the fail that our last date was made of, he still remains the best friend that a danie could have ever had in england. he has been an amazing force in my life since the day i met him... a force i am both mystified and comforted by. he is a wonderful creature and i am thankful for every single memory he has ever participated in giving me. he has taught me an incredible amount about myself, patience and friendship, and for that i am eternally thankful. 
• the memories i have of my mum... i have been harking back a lot over the last couple of days to as many memories as i can of my mum. i feel fortunate that i at least have SOME memories of her. granted, i wish that i had more, but i could never, ever be more happy with the ones i have. she was a wonderful woman and was the best mum she could have possibly been. 
• my ash-beast.... she is just... there are no words to describe how much she changed my life. were it not for her i don't know where i would be. she is an amazing girl and i can't wait to move back to america and beast my face off with her. to prance and shop and eat and just remember what it was like to constantly bask in the glow of excited glory. 
• janey... this girl... THIS girl. if i had had any idea that when i added her on myspace back in 2004 that she would have been such a bull in my china closet, then i would have braced myself more... weighted down some of my objects and perhaps met her in real life sooner. she has just stormed into my life like a massive hurricane of sushi, chinese buns, tattoos and wonderful, drunken nights. she has really helped to bring me out of my shell and become who i am today... the american english girl who loves cider, youtube and racist comments too much.
• jaacq
• hannah... there are not enough words in the bloody dictionary to explain how she has helped me and how thankful i am for her. she has supported me through so many times and has accepted me for who i am. a real friend and someone who has stuck by me and cuddled me like no fucker else has. she is an amazingly strong, insightful, beautiful girl and i will DIE when i have to leave her behind. 
• anti-depressants
• my mobile phone
• having money in my account
• my baking and cooking skills
• my divorce
• umbrellas
• the time i have been gifted in england
• my computer
• telephones
• socks
• hair dye
• makeup
• my sisters
• paige
• evan
• my grandparents
• the memories i have of my mum
• my ability to dream
• public transport
• my strength
• the fact that i am not TOO ill overall
• books
• pens
• my creative abilities
• royal mail
• the fact that the muffin and i have another chance
• money
• toilet roll
• high-speed internet connections
• my sense of hearing
• my sense of sight
• my sense of touch
• my sense of smell
• the magnetic fields
• the fact that someone WANTS to move in with me
• my past
• good digestive transit

overall, i am delighted. i will be returning to work tomorrow after being off for almost two months. i really feel ready now. i want to go back to the normalcy of it. i need to start feeling like a contributing member of society again.

things with the muffin have been fun and fairly emotional. we have been talking a lot about the logistics of danie moving back to america... i think i have been getting myself all whipped up into a frenzy more than i should do about the whole thing. like, after talking to pow pow on thanksgiving it hit me that i will be moving TWICE in one year... and these moves will begin in ten bloody months! fuck.

like, it's all very exiting, but the actual weight of the impact has hit me... i am going to be moving back to cheyenne next september, living there and then, around july 2011 i will begin regular trips back and forth to washington so the muffin and i can pick out a house. it's just all so large. i am starting a whole new life again. it is very exciting and very scary at the exact same time.

and amidst all of my fears and anxiety, i have the muffin... he has just been so lovely. i have done and said so many things that one would ordinarily expect to scare anyone off but he has just told me it was all going to be okay and did i want to see a video of a shark exploding? he is a delightful boy and i cannot wait to start the next chapter of my life with him. it will be so glorious.

i still cannot wait until he comes to visit. his arrival should occur at some point in the next fourteen to sixteen weeks and i am literally dying of excitement. he and i talk every day and send each other videos and photos are are generally just disgustingly in love at all times. it occurred to me two days ago, whilst watching one of his latest videos that this is DANE... the boy i fell in love with when i was fifteen. the boy who i planned so many exciting futures with.... the boy i never thought i was going to speak to again. it is all just so amazing to me... amazing and surreal and just... gahhhhh! there are no words. i am happy and i am in love.


i will now close with a snippet of a recent conversation.



starbeast: did you ever think we'd end up here again?
Him: no I didn't in all honesty
starbeast: i always knew
Him: I mean
Him: I always felt it
Him: how does one officially say good bye and then always come back
starbeast: hmmm
starbeast: yeah
Him: because of love my pancake
Him: love of the purest form
Him: love of the strongest time
Him: love like no other
starbeast: have you ever loved anyone like you love me?
Him: please know that I'm here for you
Him: never
Him: not even remotely close
Him: sans molly
starbeast: what makes this love so different?
starbeast: from all the other girls you've loved
Him: other girls I "loved"
starbeast: oh don't belittle it
starbeast: what you felt was love
starbeast: it was just different
Him: well
Him: I have felt love
Him: which was the excitement
Him: and the happiness
Him: but never the want to change the world just to be with them
Him: never the deep pounding of my heart when they were around
Him: never the hurt that I experience when I think about how much I love you yet can't be with you
Him: hurt was the wrong word
Him: intensity of the pain that it hurts
Him: you know what I mean right?
starbeast: mmhmm
Him: I have never loved anyone near as much
Him: they always said, put that 8x10 of her away
Him: you guys are done
Him: and I kept it around
Him: because I love you
Him: because I cared for you
starbeast: but...
Him: still do
starbeast: do you care for the danie from eight years ago?
Him: yes
starbeast: do you worry we've grown different and apart?
Him: and the danie from right now
starbeast: yeah?
Him: danie
Him: why are you being so emo
starbeast: not emo
starbeast: just curious
Him: I don't think for a second that we've grown apart
Him: not one bit
Him: we are different
Him: that is for sure
Him: we might take a little getting used to
Him: but who doesn't
Him: we just need to both be on the same page
starbeast: what makes you think this will work
starbeast: WE will work?
Him: your're stuck with this mess if you choose me
Him: because we have the will
Him: we have the drive
Him: we are hungry to be together and make it work
Him: we have the knowledge of what does and doesn't work
Him: we are amazing with each other
Him: we are independent in our own ways, but yet so dependent on each other to draw our own strength
Him: we are so supportive of each other's ideas and thoughts
Him: I know we will make it
Him: I refuse to let it go
Him: I will not fail
Him: I will not go silently into the night, not without you
Him: and my love for you will never diminish
starbeast: i love you
Him: when we're 70 I'll still be taking you up to the watertower*
Him: and playing al green
Him: I love you with everything
Him: I'm going balls deep on this one
Him: holding nothing back
Him: I fucking love you and I want you to know that
Him: feel it
Him: taste it
Him: know it
Him: is that answer somewhat ok?
starbeast: mmm
starbeast: very
Him: I feel like I didn't say enough
starbeast: you did
starbeast: i want you to know i was totally not being emo a lot of people just ask me what makes me think this will work
starbeast: and i was thinking about MY answer
starbeast: but i wondered what yours was
Him: just print up my report I wrote you on here and show them
starbeast: i might just do that
Him: tell me your answer
starbeast: mmm
starbeast: well
starbeast: my initial answer is that it FEELS right
starbeast: as someone who exists solely on her emotions and gut instincts
starbeast: my initial feeling is that this is right
starbeast: a lot of people ask me,
starbeast: 'well, how do you know if you haven't grown apart? how do you know you will still love one another'
starbeast: and i say...
starbeast: because i KNOW
starbeast: i can feel it
starbeast: i have been feeling it for the last eight years
starbeast: it has been a slow, deep, resonating sound in the core of my being for eight years
starbeast: i feel this intense magnetic draw to you
starbeast: always have
Him: even half-way around the world, we are drawn together
Him: dan face
Him: I fucking love you and adore you,
starbeast: and how can we have grown apart if i can still feel this so heavy in my chest?
starbeast: i just
starbeast: i know that...
starbeast: how can this be anything but love and right
starbeast: when the things that i have seen you do
Him: nothing else
Him: it's too strong
starbeast: matter nil
starbeast: compared to how i feel for you
Him: thank you
Him: you make me start tearing up
Him: I fucking love you so much,
starbeast: i love you
Him: your words are just so...
Him: inspiring and heart felt
Him: and true
starbeast: heh
starbeast: thanks
starbeast: i heart words
Him: good god I am emo
starbeast: don't be
Him: crying over love
Him: in a good way
starbeast: i just know that...
starbeast: these things that i feel
Him: no one has ever showed me this kind of intensity
starbeast: they run so deep and deserve to at least have a chance to be felt
starbeast: to be made real
starbeast: i love you
starbeast: i never, ever stopped
Him: I love you
starbeast: i want you to know that
Him: I know
starbeast: ever
starbeast: not even a little
starbeast: you have always been the one
Him: I do know that
Him: makes me feel so good inside
Him: always has
starbeast: the one little thing stuck in my cerebellum that wouldn't go
starbeast: this ache
starbeast: it makes me feel complete
starbeast: it's like the missing parts of my body are back finally
starbeast: and i am now able to fully function
starbeast: i feel so whole and real again
Him: like a severed finger thrown into the woods and finally found and re-attached?
starbeast: like the last eight years have been in preparation for the moment when we will be able to hold one another again
Him: and somehow it works better than before?
starbeast: i feel like
Him: it 's coming up soon
starbeast: like i've NEEDED these years
starbeast: i've needed them
starbeast: because the things i am going to feel
starbeast: they are going to be huge
Him: huger than huge
starbeast: and i wasn't strong enough eight years ago
Him: massively huge
starbeast: i've needed time to pump that emotional iron
starbeast: to be capable of dealing with this monumental feeling
Him: good analogy
starbeast: fanks
starbeast: i liked it



*the watertower is where he and i had our first more-or-less official date. it was magical, ask me about it sometime, i'll tell you the story. 

26: What might you have been like if you had had perfect nurturing?

i don't really like this question because there is no way of saying what 'perfect nurturing' is. like, i know that my upbringing wasn't the ideal definition of 'perfect,' but i wouldn't change it for the world.

like, the thought of me having a different or more 'perfect' upbringing terrifies me because the place i am at the moment is just so perfect for me. i am the perfect amount of hard and soft in all the right places and i worry that had i had a different upbringing, i could have been like, either super-sensitive or a massive dick-face. i think this creature i turned into is perfect and any other upbringing would have hugely altered that.

25: What Troubles did you have with your parents?

oh my!

there were a massive amount of problems when it came to my parents as a child.

my father was never around and when he was, it was only for the purpose of trying to see me (which usually involved him attempting to snatch me from various locations). my father was never officially in the picture, he was more-or-less just someone who my mum painted a very frightening picture of for me... which is most likely one of the reasons that i was terrified to go anywhere in public.

my mum fell very ill when i was very young and i was immediately thrust into a position of carer for her. she only got sicker and sicker which made my life more difficult.

so there we are... deadbeat dad and sick mum... those were my troubles.

Baked and destroyed

well, for the love of god i took long enough to update, didn't i?! for anybody who actually takes the time to read this, i really, honestly do apologise. i promised myself every morning that as soon as i left work that evening i would come and get on the computer to post a blog. obviously, that never happened... but here i am now. has it really been three freaking months?! i actually can't believe it! let's re-cap what has been happening these last few months, shall we?

March

• i generally just slowly bobbed along, trying to make sure i didn't bump into anything that would make my life more horrible than it needed to be.
• i got a letter form Dr Denny in response to my previously posted letter, which generally said i was lying and that he was referring me onto a new consultant. YAY!
• Satankim went off work for a month! her holiday began march 17th and she went to Australia on a holiday she did nothing but complain about for the two months prior to her flight-date. her holiday featured TWO cruises and endless tours all over the land i oh-so-badly want to visit.
• i was introduced to the glorious band that is Andrew Jackson Jihad who as just the most witty, funny, dancy, fabulous band ever! look them up immediately!

April

• Jerryfest FINALLY happened and it featured a massive amount of glorious dancing, prancing and eating.
• i baked 100 cupcakes at the Aga shop for Jerryfest and made everyone happier than they knew it was possible to be.
• had an unexpectedly longer visit from claire and mark due to Ryanair being satan (they got to the airport and checked in then waited for their flight. the boarding call occurred, everyone began boarding and then the flight people just STOPPED boarding with six people left. the flight was not full, they just didn't feel like boarding anymore people, i guess.). so they came back to ours and we pranced for several days in a musical flurry.
• we got a new guinea pig who is a stupendously precious creature who i bought only on a whim when i saw her cowering in the corner of an entirely empty cage. the backstory of her life is as such

once upon a time, there was a tiny princess-like guinea pig born who was yet to be named. she was ginger and incredibly cuddly but she was also the tiniest little guinea pig of the litter. all the other pigs hated her and made fun of her tiny face and her even tinier feet. she just continued to prance and dig in the hay, knowing that one day she would be loved.
-ENTER DANIE- 4:45pm, Pets at Home, Derby, UK

the shop had been open all day, all her brothers and sisters had been sold within a timely manner and an excitable american pranced in and sees her tiny, beautiful red eyes and knows that she must be hers.

and to be honest, that was the end of that story and the beginning of a new one. she is tiny and we called her Chopper... named because of her tiny ears which had been mostly chewed off by her siblings due to her small size and bizarre social habits. initially, she was tiny and awkward with the other two ladies, but she has now become one of the family. she is the noisiest of all of our pets and the most fabulously lovely as well (bar chevy, of course!)

• the show that was filmed last JULY finally aired and it was exciting. it was only an hour-long show that was meant to be a look at the drinking habits of females of all ages but our bit was about twelve minutes long and oh-so-fabulous! i had a lot of air-time due to my being american and having the ability to discuss the difference in drinking habits between here and the states. it was incredibly exciting.
• i was harassed constantly with phrases such as 'hey, aren't you that girl from the telly?!' and 'didn't i see you on t.v. the other night?' to which i always blurted in the most excited manner that i could that i was, indeed the female from telly and they should all fawn after me as i am now famous.
• Satankim returned from Australia with nay a postcard or foreign treat. bitch.
• we celebrated Easter in a very special fashion by having a brilliant easter-basket swap and meal. the meal was bountious and i baked a cake that ended up actually being the greatest carrot cake that has ever been baked or eaten by anybody, ever.
• i got my newest and most loved tattoo of the moment for Jerry.
• we got a new printer/scanner/photocopier which has made it possible for me to FINALLY put all my lists up and print things in colour! be jealous!

MAY!

• i had my very first appointment with my new consultant, dr gillespie. he is a REALLY lovely man who immediatly apologised for the problems i have been having with dr denny and said that it is clear i need help and he is going to give it to me.
• i had an interview as directorate secretary for surgical services at the hospital which went incredibly well but i did not get the job for.
• i went out on a stupendous evening with jaacq, powers, lee lee and everyone else. an evening which was amazing for many reasons.... 1) i LOVE seeing my jaacq! 2) i got to see ali's new band, dulcinea, play for the first time (fabulous!) 3) it was like EVERYONE was out and i just got to prance around and feel normal for a while. overall, it was just the best night in a while. i loved it.

• EUROVISION!
• we got a new video card which has made my life about 800,000,000,000 times better. this is because i can now fully immerse myself in games such as spore (!!!), Sims 2 (PLUS expansion packs), stubbs the zombie and diablo 2 (which isn't really as a result of the video card, we just remembered to download it again)
• i went to see 'drag me to hell' with powers. that film is actually a bag of crap and i have never been so disappointed with a film in my life.
• i started a new anti-depressant. we shall see.
• we got the new fishy!! husband and i had a random outing to a big fish shop near our house and saw a flurry of oscars (a breed we have been lusting after for some time now. the only reason we have avoided getting one until now is because they get HUGE and need a big tank.). we pretty much instantly fell in love and picked the most handsome of the bunch to come live with us. he was put into the old tank and named Chikatilo (after my favourite serial killer)
• we moved into the new building at work. it was a sad day, but the new building is REALLY huge and lovely. i like it a lot!
• i emailed augusten burroughs on the off-chance, to see if he would be willing to write me a list and HE REPLIED!!!

JUNE!!!

• i went to see 'coraline' with powers and lee lee. it was fairly exciting, mostly due to the fact that it was the first 3d film i have ever been to. i wanted to steal the glasses but they had glasses nazis at all exits so at to prevent miscreants like myself from popping them into my bag.
• i had my first appointment with my new CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) who is rather lovely. she says that although it seems it is clear i have depressive problems, i appear to have control over it and knowing when i need to get help and there is not a lot she can do for me. she will keep seeing me for another month and then see where we are.
• we got a new, giant fish tank which has made our lives about a million times better. we have put Chik in it and the giant catfish.
• i have started taking chevy out into the garden with a lead on. he is mostly delighted about it. i am attempting to train him in the art of being well-behaved so i can take him to the park on the lead eventually. husband will have no part of this.

and that's it. my life in a general nutshell.

i PROMISE i will keep you up-to-date more often and better from now on, i PROMISE PROMISE PROMISE!!!!

5: What did you hide from your parents?

if i am being honest, as a child i never ACTUALLY hid anything from my mum, she was just unable to find anything out due to her disability. it is an easy cop out and i suppose i could have been more open about certain things in my life that would have offered her more insight into my life, but it wasn't too terribly necessary.

a list of things i 'hid' from her as a child, in no particular order:

*my cat, hannible
*the sneaking in and out of dane nearly every night
*the fact that i occasionally did not feed the dogs
*how messy my bedroom was
*my stretched earlobes
*treats i bought myself with the shopping money
*the fact that i snaffled a reasonable amount of money from her from a small age

as i grew older and began to respect her more, i found that there was no need for me to hide anything from her for fear of 'being caught out.' more often then not, if there was something i kept from her, it was more to save her stress and worry and heartache than anything else. she was so ill in the last several years, so it was quite difficult for me to always be honest with her. some things i kept from her as i grew older are as follows:

*the fact that i was not going to be coming back from england
*the times that chris and i had arguments all the time
*the amount of concern i had for her

3: did you have a special place you went to be alone as a child?

it really depends on the age that you are talking when referring to this question. i never really liked being ALONE as such when i was a child. i loved having people around me and delighting in how precious i was.

as a very small child, my mum's at-the-time boyfriend liked to get abusive. i was obviously not a huge fan of this so i would go and lock myself in the bathroom and sit in the bath.

once her and super-jerk broke up, i frequented the laundry room. it was a state in there and i liked to just go and lie on the pile of clothes and sleep or think or pray.

during all of these courses of time, my mum had been working a night job delivering papers, so i was never really phased by her working or babysitters. however, when she finally left the paper route, i was thrust out of my laundry room dreams into something almost more splendid. my mum got a job at a laundrette. when she started that, i was made to go to work with her every day and i became the baroness of the laundry tables. i had an obsession as a child with living in caves or just generally living in a hiding place. i would often re-ennact this at the laundrette under the oh-so-special silver tables that were the perfect size and height for me to fit all of my toys and snacks that i would need for a day of fending for myself.

other misc hiding places i could be seen at as a child can be seen below:

• a mass of pine trees on Hot Springs Ave that had a big gap in them much like a spikey cave.
• a wee alleyway between some rooms at the motel beside burger inn on lincolnway.
• the [Private] laundry room of some apartments on Hot Springs Ave (only if unlocked).