82001

fifteen days i've been back... the longest i've been in this postal code since 2003.

i'm back and it has been a flurry of excitement, emotion and hugs.

my emotions have been on overdrive, primarily due to my stupid womb and secondarily, because i am back here and i don't have to rush around to see everyone... i can pace myself and plan playdates without a mega-rush on things because i still have another two weeks here.

from the moment i arrived back in the Mountain Standard time-zone my chest felt tight... i walked out of the terminal a completely different person than the girl who left that April afternoon back in 2008... no longer married, at least twenty more tattoos, pink coiff, less weight.
i braced myself for the first gaze my sister would cast upon me. i walked around the airport terrified and recalling the conversation she and i had had only fifteen hours prior when i asked her if she knew what i looked like and what to keep an eye out for at the airport (as it is obvious that it would be hard to spot ME in a crowd). she laughed and said that she had an idea and that she wanted to make sure she looked as normal as possible because everyone would be staring at us and she didn't want to have a wedgie or shit in her teeth whilst we were the centre of the DIA world.

i stood as everyone was greeted by family and friends.

i stood whilst everyone picked up their luggage from the carousel.

i stood, momentarily concerned that LaDonna had forgotten about me and that the airline had forgotten about me and i was doomed to sit in that airport for the entire four weeks until i could go home.

then i saw them. LaDonna and Heyward (her husband and delightful creature) came through the double doors and smiled.

the rest of the evening was spent talking about my travels, my divorce and Muffin. we ate steak and i snoozed slightly in between singing along to the seemingly flawless DJing on the late-night radio station we were listening to.

in the time since then i have seen many special faces, ones i've not seen in years or ones i've never met before but wanted to. ones that i hope i get to see more before i move back across the ocean. Ashley, Justin, Beeman, Stevie, Jamie... tonight, my evening will be starring Scotty, Emma and Jaimal, which thrills me more than most things. i've been attempting to envelope myself in memories, places and things.

two days after arriving i went walking by myself and strolled by my old house, the street i learned to ride a bike on and the places i used to work. i walked and remembered everything... all the little tiny things that built up my childhood and teenage years.

Muffin has come and gone since i've been back. he left Monday and we spent the four days we had together re-living the memories of eight years ago. it was our first time together again in Cheyenne, something we've both been attempting to orchestrate, since our last playdate back in 2002.

we walked past the road where we had our first kiss, stopping to hold hands and remember the way the mustang hummed as he leaned over to give me the first of a billion. we walked to the place we very first met and held one another, recalling the clothes we were wearing and what we thought when we first saw one another. he drunkenly walked with me past my old house again... a late-night walk that left my emotions raw, but made me realize how close we are. we walked to the back of the house and recalled where he used to sneak in and i pointed out which rooms were which before weeping slightly and having him take me into a massive bear hug and walk me the rest of the way back to LaDonna's house.

sometimes even now it all seems so foreign to me... i'll see his face and it'll take me back to that July in 2001 when we first started dating. when i walked into the McDonald's where he was employed and he made excuses to come to the front of the store to talk to me. i still can't believe it's real occasionally.

so many things have changed... marriages, tattoos, oceans, wars, deaths, children.

i saw one of his children for the first time ever on sunday. something i hadn't anticipated but something i am happy happened. i was frozen with terror when i saw an exact carbon copy of Muffin rolling towards the car on his scooter as Muffin got out and walked to that log-adorned house. i didn't know what to do or say. LaDonna asked me what was up as we pulled away and i poured out my heart... i poured it all over her and her car and the street and the beautiful blue day. i talked about the kids and the fate of my womb and our history and future and everything. she was unbelievably supportive and made me feel like i was going to be okay. she told me that if we were meant to have kids then we would.

it was with that that i realized that all the fears i had surrounding LaDonna hating him were not going to come to fruition. all that worrying and fretting was completely in vain. she seemed to like him. we talked about Muffin during the rest of our shopping excursion and until we pulled back up to the house to retrieve him. i watched as Ryu hugged him and i braced myself to freak out but i didn't. all i wanted to do was get out of the car and hug Muffin because i could see, as he walked away from his middle child, that his heart was sore.

we got home and laid in bed to have the conversation that was bound to happen... about his kids and us and how i felt. he cried and i held him, feeling okay, which is not what i expected. i just held him and we talked about the kids and how i felt about seeing Ryu and what we would do the rest of the day. it was really okay and despite the initial terror i felt, i reckon i will be okay. the next big hurdle will be Molly in December, and i reckon that'll be slightly harder... no, astronomically harder, but worth it. he tries so often to shelter me from his children and i really don't need that. i need to know they're there and make my peace with that fact, otherwise this, him and me, we won't work. i can't ignore it.

anyways, back to 82001.

i'm here and i'm going through a massive internal scrapbook that has built-up countless entries since the day i was born... i've gone through hundreds of photos, at least a dozen of my mum's boxes and the last of my belongings that were left here when i moved away. it's been a special trip and one that i absolutely needed.

thank you Cheyenne, for the memories. let's be sure to do this again.

cheyenne... tuesday.

so, i've officially been back in my hometown for six days and i am fairly delighted but already kinda ready to go back to washington... is that bad? i've been run off my feet with busy and haven't had the chance to write in my book, so all the things on this list will be off the top of my head. i've been mulling over things i've wanted to put on my list for the last couple of days, and i tend to constantly have things i am delighted with, so i shouldn't be at a shortage of things to heart.

let's just get on it... i have some other blogs i'd like to post but i need to finish this and find the keys i seem to have lost to my sister's house before i can do those, so please, enjoy my list for the week...

the collections of stuff in my sister's house... so, my sister collects everything, ever. she collects Toy Story stuff, 50's stuff, Fiesta dishwear, elves, vintage Christmas stuff, vintage Halloween stuff, recipes, clothes, plants, garden furniture, coasters, self-help books... you name it, she collects it and you can see that she collects all this stuff from the street, looking in her window. her shelves are completely full of THINGS... so many things that a lot of the shelves simply could not fit any more on them even if their tiny, shelv-y lives depended on it. her house is a maze of things... "collectables," as she calls them. the moment i came in the house and walked downstairs i had to announce that Muffin would not fit in the basement... he is too burly and the STUFF had accumilated too much to allow for a hunk of beautiful meat such as him to fit... she promised that space would be cleared by the time he arrived... since then, space HAD been cleared and has since been filled again with more stuff... if anything, this has offered me the inspiration to never, ever want to collect anything, ever.
Hoarders... the programme. i can't get enough of it. i watched four episodes prior to my flight last wednesday and plan to watch the rest the INSTANT i arrive back in washington.
hoarders... the people. they fascinate me. i find the mental processes that they go through to be incredibly interesting. my mum was a hoarder and walking into my sister's house is very much like walking into an episode of the programme. i can't WAIT to go watch more!
cats
allergy medicine... to allow me to love the previous with less distance between us.
Cheyenne... as much as everyone likes to complain about it, i love it. i love all the buildings, people, shops and how remarkably cheap it all is. i instantly felt... hrm. not comfortable, but at ease when we drove past that wooden buffalo on the mountain and then the Crossroads Cafe. the mall, whilst it is AWFUL and baron, is a place full of memories that i love to hark back to as i walk amidst the familiar faces and signs. i love it here and i am trying to love every little moment i have left here.
LaDonna... we have had a stupendously wonderful time together so far. she is such a fun person... like a more normal version of me. we stay up most nights talking and she rings me most days at lunchtime. she's just amazing and i am so happy that our relationship is finally developing past the angsty, moody thing that we used to have before.
Ashley... good LORD. two years is far too long to spend away from someone you spent SUCH a beautifully long summer bonding and becoming bff's with. this is why i sat nervously on thursday evening, waiting for her arrival... every time a car passed-by i hopped up like an excited puppy, only to be let down when the car wasn't in the shape of her new jeep, which i had seen photos of. when she finally arrived and her jeep pulled into the driveway i fell in love with her glowing little face all over again... i had forgotten how much i adored her. we hugged and i showed her the episode of Hoarders i was living in before we pranced out to Taco Bell and it was like no time had passed... we talked, gushed over wedding things and ate and it was fabulous. god i can't WAIT for saturday and the amazing night to be had at her hen night!
Muffin... i've been going through a weird phase since i've been away from washington... a phase that was caused by the severe amount of time i have alone in my sister's house due to her working schedule. i began processing things re: my relationship in a stupid way and letting my imagination go wild. i've been moody with him and worried and taking a lot of that out on him, which in some ways, i could say is justified, due to the fact that the worry and mistrust is his own fault, but he REALLY doesn't deserve it. it all became calm last night... we had a long talk when LaDonna and i got home from our day's shenanigans and we talked about how honest he feels like he can be now and how much he wants to work to make things perfect for us. we talked about his other relationships and the reasons they failed and why he felt ours was special... he reassured me in a big way and when i hung up the phone, i writhed on the bed in glee until my mobile went again and he told me in a smug voice that he had written me an anniversary present and it was SOGOOD and he wished he could play it for me but he CAN'T because our anniversary isn't for several more days. i heard him strumming his guitar and i could imagine him sat in his self-described "beat lab" (yeah, he's seen Step Brothers too many times) being all cutesy and just waiting to be eaten alive by me. i love him so much... such a huge amount. all these little things, i know they're just teething problems that we'll get through eventually, i just need to keep a good head on my little shoulders about it all and make sure i don't lose sight of what's most important... although, as more days pass, it seems that a lot more importance is lying on US rather than just ME, which i am not sure what to do with, but i'll just run with it and see how it goes.
Franny... one of the few people from England who seem to have not forgotten about me. all my favourites have apparently died or fallen off the face of the planet (Nick, Janey and Pow) and Franny hasn't stopped... she is just continually beautiful and uplifting and hands-on, which is nice, particularly because she is one of the people i've known the least amount of time. i love her beautiful little face and and when i see an email ping up saying she's commented or sent me a message, i squee with delight. thanks Franny. i loves you.

professional photos... yeah, Muffin and i went there. Wal-Mart had played host to an afternoon shopping extravaganza for us and whilst we were walking out of the supermarker with our booty we passed the photo shop with it's alluring offer of $5 photos. we INSTANTLY walked over and began a dialogue with Pam, the over-enthusiastic worker and were soon booked-in for a photo session for the next day. we arrived prepared for photofuntime and the results were JUST what i was hoping for... photos that made us look like the cutest, funnest couple ever, in the world, which we apparently are, according to Pam, who gushed about how amazing we were to ALL of her colleagues and when Muffin arrived to retrieve the photos everyone asked where i was and said that they wanted us to come again for photos. YAY!
martinis
American steak
Taco Bell
long, hot baths
Lee Lee... my beautiful jew. speaking to him and hearing his voice was incredibly special last week and i love him. i love his voice, his sense of humour and the way he speaks to me. he's such a wonderful person. i miss him a huge amount.
Ft Collins
awful jumpers... like, the glittery ones with unnecessary amounts of gaudy crap on them. i have been on a constant hunt for them since the day i arrived back in america and have NOT been left disappointed. i have found some real gems, ones i will take photos of and post soon... very soon.
inspiration
rhubarb punch
sweet potato
vintage clothes
sports bras
Prarie... one of the beautiful bridesmaids for Ashley's wedding... i met her last week in a flurry of a visit and i love her. she is funny, quick and a general delight to spend time with. again, ROLL ON SATURDAY!
wearing layers
speaking to people after MANY years
Origami's antics... i LOVE days when Muffin has more gossip for me about what a freaking idiot she is... the most recent acts of idiocy that she played out were from last week... she came to our house to pick up some boots and asked to use the toilet. after spending a bit of time in there she emerged and began querying the contents of our bin... which clearly unveiled that she had GONE THROUGH our bin. she then proceeded to go through our house and look at everything, announcing again what i was not allowed to use. she is just a gem of fabulous habits and acts... my favourite being when she hugged Muffin extra-hard one day, rubbing her bosoms on him, stating the reason for this as "i want you to go home smelling like me so Danie get's jealous." THAT happened only after she offered him sex any time, day or night, all he needed to do is call her. right, because the three-to-five times a day he gets it at the moment totally isn't going to be enough. retard.
counting how many people stare at me in public... a game Ashley and i made up last week when, after walking into our first public place together, she noted that EVERYONE stared at me. i don't even notice it anymore, but now, i find it fun to see how many alarmed faces i can gather with my pink coiff and tattoos... our record so far was forty-five in five minutes at the mall. go me!
going through my mum's old things
typewriters
finding photos i forgot existed
reassurance

homecoming... coming home

so, in just over one hours Sarah will be arriving at my house to whisk me away to SEATAC airport for a flight that will, in just over two hours, deposit me in Denver, Colorado, where my sister should be awaiting my arrival.

i've not been back in Cheyenne for over two years and the last time i was there i saw very few people.

i'll be in Cheyenne for four weeks and one day.

consider this a warning to all of you that i will have slow posting capabilities, if any.

<3

basically, it's tuesday

i feel odd today... odd but good. i've been the victim of several nightmare-attacks over the last several nights, so my days have generally been filled with a lot of sleepytime and tidying. i'm kinda in this weird, limbo part of my life that means i have NO IDEA what i am doing and am finding myself questioning mostly everything, purely because i have the time to now.

i went from having no time at all whatsoever whilst i was in england, to now having nothing to do and not really knowing what to do with myself. i wake, spend time with Muffin, kiss him, hold him and make him lunch and then i tend to try to go back to sleep. i sleep until my mobile goes off for one reason or another and then get up and lull around the house until something sparks me to want to tidy or cook or participate in some other activity. i don't actually HAVE to do anything, but i do things now because if i were to just sit around, my mind would take over and i would pick fault in everything, ever, which would be execrable for the homeostasis of my relationship with Muffin, which is what i am kinda banking on at the moment. not progression, not digression, JUST homeostasis... i just want things to stay the way they are for now. i worry if things change even in the slightest way, Muffin might slip into his routine of making bad decisions (one of which has been presented to him on a silver platter; SEE BELOW) and i just can't bloody deal with that right now. i don't WANT to have to go back to england in november and i don't WANT to have to admit to lots of people that they were perhaps right and that people can't change... so yes, the word of the week, and of the next four weeks, is HOMEOSTASIS...

a list, please have it:

freshly-hoovered carpets
hoovering
anticipating seeing Cheyenne again... indeed. it's been two years and five months since i was in Cheyenne and i am quite excited about. my sister really wanted to see me for as much time as possible, so i will be leaving tomorrow afternoon and staying for four weeks and one day. i will either die a horrible, bored death, or have a fabulous time catching up with people i didn't have time to last time (which is in the pipelines). Cheyenne isn't amazing, but i am quite looking forward to walking around, taking photos and most likely being weepy. it'll also be the first time Muffin and i have been in cheyenne together for over eight years, which is superthrilling. we will go to all our favourite makeout spots and... well... make out. it'll be nice.
talking to LaDonna... for as awkward as she can sometimes be, i still really do enjoy speaking to my sister. she's a great person and quite a lot of fun. i can't wait to see her tomorrow... well, i can and can't. i anticipate a serious amount of questions from her about my tattoos, divorce and new boyface choices, which will be fun. overall, it should be nice.
planning playdates with people... and OMG have i been planning! cheyenne playdates will feature a double-date with ashley and gus, a baking party with emma, TWO weddings (the beautiful stevie and the resplendent ashley), nights out drinking with jaimal, baking dates with cat and general prancing. still wanna see me? freaking ring me!
making this house my home... which has been a difficult feat. it's seen me get whipped-up into a tidying frenzy and box up or bin most, if not all, of Origami's things. the garage is now a smelly haven for all of her bedsheets, clothes, shoes, pots and pans (when i say "smelly," i'm not using that word lightly. i went to pick up her old duvet and bedsheets off the floor yesterday and genuinely felt physically ill from the stench, which is a hard job to do, as i have quite a handle over my olfactory senses, but THIS was indescribable) and the house is slowly being adorned with my little bits and pieces. my books are on the shelves now, not hers. my pots and pans are in the cupboards, my nick-nacks are on the entertainment centre and soon, once i arrive back from cheyenne, the house will have more of my own personal things in it, which i am megaexcited about!
Skype with Tree... one of the people i really didn't think would have Skype is my friend Chris Tree. you've read about him before, in previous blogs. he's one of my favourites from Derby. we chatted on Skype yesterday for a brief time before he had to go work on a bicycle, but those few minutes we talked were really, really lovely. i heart mr. tree and cannae wait for more chats.
Boris the Russian... one of Muffin's BFFs and, seemingly, someone to likes me a great deal. we pranced over to his house the other night to deliver some cupcakes that i had made (as i had dubbed Muffin's favourite tattoo shop as the official hub for taste-testing all my newest cupcake creations and Boris is one of the tattooists, but was off work on saturday) and he was just ohso excitable about me and my general existence. we talked, traded wares and played nicely for nearly six hours before i was so tired i could have collapsed. he's a delightful man who's name is not actually Boris and who is not actually even a little bit Russian, but wonderful, no less.
Pat (Boris's housemate)... loose. cannon. delightful, but out of control. he tells all the best stories and is incredibly enthusiastic. i heart him.
OMGEPICSEXYTIME... i'll not delve too far, but good LORD... two hours of close, beautiful contact. i heart Muffin, so much.
planning proper job searching for when i get back to Washington
Dane Cook
my slippers
creamy cocktails
REALLY tender chicken
successful cupcakes
B & I Market... like all of the worst markets i have ever been to combined, B&I is a cultural wonderland filled with ethnic clothes, hair products, figurines, spices and... EVERYTHING! it's my new favourite place ever, in the world.
chicken fried steak
Pow video calls... we had our first video chat the other night and it was a beautiful two hours of laughing, pulling faces and telling stories. i love Pow so much.

the things my dreams are made of...

Last night I dreamed about my old house… 
I dreamed about my mum… 
It’s not often that I dream about her but when I do it is always incredibly vivid.
In my dreams she’s always alive and relatively well. I don’t ever dream about her being ill or not being there. If my mum is in my dream she is not just a memory, she is a real, living thing that I interact with and hold.
I always hold my mum in my dreams…  the way I wish I always had. I never held her enough when she was alive (that’s not to say that I held her at all when she was dead… I just made that sound incredibly odd. Just to be clear, I never once held my mum when she was dead… though I did touch her skin AND look down her top to investigate the colouration where no makeup had been applied).
Prior to moving to England I would visit her every two days between my shifts at Mini Mart and the mall… I would go to her room and lie on her bed and she would talk to me about what she won at pinochle or how well it went when she had called the numbers at BINGO the previous day. I would listen to her and snooze for the hour I had before having to get on the bus to my second job. She would talk about how she wished she could see the grandkids more and how proud she was of me.
Most every time I went to visit her I found myself unable to embrace her. I don’t know if it had to do with me being a sassy teen who was “too cool” to hug her mum or more to do with the fact that I was frightened of her being so ill, but hugging her… sigh, that’s it, isn’t it? I was terrified of her illness. Despite her large frame and outstandingly beautiful smile, she was so frail and I hated that. If you so much as brushed the skin on her arm she would bruise. She was forever covered in blemishes from where she had bumped herself on her wheelchair or the walls during her daily routines. I remember so clearly how tiny and frail her arms and hands always looked, the skin so perfect underneath all the bruises and cuts… the cause of the weak skin being her medication.
Medication time was always the most fun. Lamotrigine, Phenytoin, Hydrochlorothiazide, Amytriptiline, Levodopa, Glucophage, MAO-B Inhibitors, Wellbutrin… names of things that I forced myself to memorize from a young age but names that I should never have had to become familiar with. I would watch as she swallowed three of those little cups of brightly-coloured tablets to take away her pain, swelling, depression and sleeplessness. Some days they worked and other days she couldn’t cope. Other days she could barely leave her room. Other days I sometimes found it hard to look at her because her face reflected so much pain. I hated seeing my mum in pain. She would always try to smile but I could tell when it was fake… when she was putting it on to stop me from worrying.
But when I dream about her I never, ever have to worry. In most dreams she is suddenly as fit as she was when I was eleven… just before she fell very ill. In most dreams she always seems to have something I am looking for. Sometimes it’s a food I’m craving, other times she’ll be spending time with a friend I’ve been pining after. Last night it was an underskirt for one of my dresses. I went into her room at our old house and she said she had been going through her clothes. I laid on the bed and smelled it. It smelled like the sweet odour of her perfume and patchouli… there was an ocean of clothes scattered across the floor of every colour and fabric… some of them were actually ones she used to own, shirts that were silk or crushed velvet in deep purples and bright reds. I crawled to the floor and began sifting through her clothes, much the same way I used to when I was a child… I was mystified by all the things that she owned, wanting immediately to wear everything and to have her tell me I was beautiful. I lifted up her favourite shirt… it seemed so real, the way the fabric felt cool in my hands from the fan that had been blowing fresh air into the boiling summer atmosphere.
I kept digging, travelling from the foot of the bed into her wardrobe, touching all of the different fabrics to my face to smell them and memorize her scent. It was when I had reached the right-hand edge of her wardrobe that I found the underskirt… the perfect underskirt made from netting in several pinks and black, perfect for me to wear under my dress at my leaving party.
I put it on and it looked faultless. I pranced into the lounge where she was sat on her chair with the sunlight hitting her face. She was sleeping. I woke her up and she told me I looked beautiful and I hugged her. Her hair hit my face and it was so soft, smelling of a random mix of Herbal Essences shampoo and her perfume. I started talking to her about Muffin and the phone started to ring and I hopped up to answer it. I couldn’t find it and it got louder… then I woke up.
I woke up and missed her. I missed her so much it hurt today. The missing was made worse by a discussion that forced me out of my office this morning.
There’s a woman that used to work here who was diagnosed with cancer last year… cancer that spread through her entire body. She’s in her early sixties and last year was only given two weeks left to live. A year on she has just started her third bout of Chemo and Radiation-Therapy (as they have found a lump on her brain). Everyone is very close to this lady and it was discovered yesterday that she was in hospital and had been for quite some time. Two of my colleagues immediately went to see her and this morning every detail of their visit was explained from the way that she looked to the way she slurred her words.
It was at the mention of slurred words that I had to leave the room… I immediately bolted up and announced I had to go get a cola. For me, “slurred words” is synonymous with the last conversation I had with my mum… I still remember every single word that she said to me and just how her voice sounded as the phone was put to her ear. She couldn’t hear me through all the machinery whirring around her to keep her alive so she was shouting, presumably because she thought I had the same machinery keeping my ears from hearing correctly as well. My mum was on heavy doses of Morphine and Valium to help to ease the pain and everything she said sounded like it was being played to me in slow-motion. All of her words blended together and it made me hurt. I could hear what a struggle it was… I could hear her piecing the words together, not wanting to make a mistake, wanting to say everything as clearly and consciously as possible so as to not worry me.
I put down the phone after the nurse reassured me that she would be fine in the morning and I could ring then… I wept. I’ve no idea why I wept, but I did. I wept because I wasn’t there and couldn’t hold her, I wept because I had spent so much time being terrified of her illnesses, I wept because I loved her and was 8,000 miles away. All she ever wanted was to have me nearby and I left her.
Within four hours she had died and my sisters were booking my flight back to america.
I don’t know why exactly it is that when I dream of her I always find the things I’m looking for and I don’t know why exactly I never dream of her in any other way than how she was when I was eleven, but those are, without fail, always my favourite dreams.

2: Where did you go to school?

i was a lucky girl growing up because all my schools were so near that i could just walk to them if the whim took me.

Kindergarten was spent at Fairview (which, apparantly, has since become a ghetto school at which lots of mexican children attack several other children for the LOLZ)

from there i went to Fairview's 'sister school' called Lebhart for 1st through to 3rd.

THEN back to Fairview up to 6th.

my junior high years were spent at Carey Junior High.

at around the age of 16 or in the 9th grade i was sent to attention homes where i attended the on-site school for a year.

once i was finally allowed to leave there, i attended East High School, where i totally had the most rockin' senior year in the entire world ever. hooray for fabulous teachers and even more fabulous friends!

1: Where Did You Grow Up?

i grew up in cheyenne, wyoming in a house on east 10th street... it was the most splendid house ever and i could never have imagined anyplace better for me to have grown up. i lived with my mum and swapped bedrooms everytime i had the whim to do so.

the house undertook a vast amount of changes in the time i lived there... like what? you might ask... well, firstly, there wasn't always a ramp leading to the front door. my mum fell quite ill when i was about nine and she had a great deal of work done on the house by the state and the ramp was to help her with her wheelchair. unfortunately, the ramp was created too steep and my mum was never able to use it on her own. someone always had to push her... and despite the fact that the ramp was a fabulous idea, there was still a big fat step for my mum to have to go up to actually get INTO the house.

i loved that house and i still do. not very often does a night pass that i do not dream about that house.