long-awaited Tuesday

okay, so i'm sitting in the goddamned ninety-one degree heat in a living room with two fans on me, wanting to die.

i'm typing these words in between hearing stupid fucking idiots driving down a residential road in a shitting four-wheeler.

my fingers and feet are swollen so bad i want to cut them off.

what do these three things mean? i'm in Cheyenne again! i'm in Cheyenne and i want to goddamn kill myself.

i always forget exactly how much Cheyenne makes me want to die until i arrive. until i smell that fabulous manure, see the moronic "goth..." things that run the streets and i can't go a block without seeing at LEAST one person i know. it is these things, amongst many others (the heat being the worst of them all at the moment) that mean i will never, ever be able to live in Cheyenne again, for the rest of my life.

the biggest saving grace has been my sister, who i will list about right NOW!

LaDonna... i love everything about her... the way she hoards amazing items, the way we have the same laugh, the way she smiles, the hugs she gives me, the INCREDIBLY deadpan way she can tell a fucking hysterical joke without flinching from her serious face and the way that no matter what, she's the biggest, most important part of my life, bar none. she knows more about me than i ever knew she would. we've developed this amazing closeness that i sometimes can't believe i'm lucky enough to have in my life. i love her so much.
respite from womb pain... you know? when you're writhing around on the sofa or bed dying and contemplating what spoon you would use to scoop out your womb? well, i love the brief moments in between THOSE moments where the pain stops and you can breath and unclench long enough to turn on your side and change the channel. those moments are special to me.
dolphins
knowing Booger went to a good home... for the second time in one year, two weeks ago, i had to give a pet away. it was SUCH a hard decision, but the instant i walked into her house with him clinging on to me like a baby monkey and i saw her tiny jack russell mix, i knew that i'd made the right choice. seeing him play with his new bff was really special to watch and despite how many tears i broke down and shed the instant i left her house, i know he's in the perfect home.
the Oscilloscope Laboratories opening
hatchet fish
Jeffry and Jack Lewis... who's music we stumbled on quite by accident but fell completely in love with immediately. i am the biggest lyrical hussy in the world, but when amazing lyrics are combined with cute, bouncy music, i can't help but imagine what it would be like to listen to that music constantly, for the rest of my life.
Bob Hope
when old, white drunk people try to swing dance
the guy who plays Candyman
Shaun White
the feeling of water releasing from my ear after a shower or swim
the sound of bacon frying
serial killer documentaries
Izzy and the Catostrophics
being able to sleep
when Muffin's hair is longer
talking to Carmen
cold water
hot as fuck showers
caramel
packing
unpacking
watching Roseanne with Muffin
croissants
Pepsi
lettuice
the first night in a new house
new kitchens... it's like traveling to a foreign land that you can make entirely your own
The Rock... the pizza place, NOT the actor/beefy stud.
guessing what makes up the flavours in foods... because there's a special kind of smug set aside for people who are as obsessed with foods and flavours as me!
lightening
seeing cats pant
being licked by a cat
the mountains in Wyoming
Camel menthol crush cigarettes
wind chimes
the sound of a cork coming out of a glass bottle


okay, i need to go sit outside! i hope this has been a satisfactory blog for all of you readers and i'm so totally sorry for going so long without posting! moving house and getting married and traveling are SO time-consuming!

<3

a tuesday full to the brim...

two tuesdays missed and with good reason. i've been prancing with family, discovering new things and getting freaking married! the last nineteen days have been a whirlwind of every single emotion and facial expression possible. never have i been able to cram so many important and beautiful moments into such a small amount of time. i've tried to note a few of them down, so let's see what i can churn out.

have my list!

the way Muffin went to get me five chocolate bars for my period... and oh but i was SO WOMBY! there was writhing, whining and some other "w" word i can't think of. i was bloated and miserable and i actually wanted to die. after about twenty minutes of me kicking my legs at him whilst he played Black Ops he gave in and decided to pull on some trousers and a shirt and trudge out to the car destined for the supermarket. half an hour later he returned home, his face beaming with pride as he sat on the sofa next to me and unloaded five chocolate bars and a cola, all of which were purchased purely to relieve my womb. there's no more special boy that my Muffin, because no matter how whiny and cranky i might be, he will always take care of me the best he can.
body popping
Jay Novello
bacon and cheddar soup
the way cats look like they're smiling as they fall asleep
Rip Torn
fast food cups with wax on them... you know, the old ones that aren't around so much anymore? we went to a place called Dick's recently and they served me up a malt in one of those bad boys and i immediately shrieked with glee at the clerk and my sister and Muffin and everyone i came into contact with.
planes that can be used on water
Squidward
driving
Roseanne's Halloween episodes
how much i laugh with LaDonna... and oh GOD do we laugh! i love her so much and every single tiny moment we spent together during her trip here meant the world to me. i loved being able to laugh with her constantly about nothing and everything during each meal and shopping trip. she's so special to me and i adore her.
scary films
tugboats
airports
Molly... the adorable little lady who is now a huge part of my life. the three days we just got to spend with her were really important for her, for Muffin and for me. she's so much fun, so smart and literally one of the most beautiful children i have ever seen in my entire life. there'll be another blog on her and her visit coming up soon. i've started it, i just need to finish it. it's taking a lot of adjustments to make it perfect.
chai tea
surprising my family with how domesticated i am now
carnival glass
being able to talk about my mum and have someone get it... that was the greatest thing about having LaDonna visit, to be able to have the chance to talk candidly about my mum and have someone understand and respond.
HUGE mugs
when small animals stop trees from being felled
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
Tom Savini
eyelashes
caterpillars
Tangled
donuts
talking to Janey again... because lord knows i've missed her so much. we had two hours of phone-time a couple of weeks ago and hearing her voice and being able to make that connection again was really important for me, it helped to push me towards the confidence i needed to get on with my life. to be stronger, happier and less anxious. i miss her such an incredible amount and wish so much that i could see her again soon. sigh.
being the front "guide" car in a driving adventure... you know when you are showing someone how to get someplace, so you lead them via car? yeah, i got to take that leap into adulthood a little over a week ago and it made me feel delighted and like i had limitless power.
mac and cheese fritters
Michael J Fox
Evan
cream cheese
Las Vegas Rolls
Ted in Scrubs
Boris... our officiant, tattooist and a general, all-around cuddly bear.
Pat... Boris's brother an super-fun guy!
my red shoes... the amazingly sexy shoes that LaDonna bought me for the wedding. they are SO beautiful.
thermal imagining camera footage
watching Boris kiss and hug Carmen... Carmen's my other sister. my sister who is not at all warm, cuddly or or open to affection, so when i saw Boris grab her into a gigantic embrace that ended with a kiss on her head, i clutched Muffin and giggled uncontrollably.
WEDDING... but OH there will be a blog!
malts
watching people build fences
Jared's speech
freshly washed hair
cocktail sauce
when toilets are referred to as "latrines"
my beast... because having Ashley at my wedding and in my house the days prior to my wedding meant more to me than any other thing that the days running up to my wedding could have meant. she was my rock, my inspiration and kept me completely in line with the schedules of the days. i love her so much and could never thank her enough for everything she did.
spicy mcchickens
sports bras
Ernest
Ernest's laugh
starfish
feeling comfortable enough to play on the beach in my swimsuit/pants
being a part of moments so special that i had no choice but to cry... seeing Muffin play in the sea for the first time since he was a kid, seeing the glee on his face and seeing the sun set with his arms around me... all of those things made my evening so perfect. as i watched him prance into the sea with giggles echoing across the beach i fell completely in awe of how in love i am with him and our life together. 
the Orkin adverts... please see below:


 

do or die...

So… Sunday I was a mess, so emotionally fraught as I sauntered around the kitchen in the back of Bar One that I cried when Nick merely joked that one of my stories was boring. Not a fake cry, but an actual, genuine weep. I have not been THAT emotionally strained in ages… so bad that I couldn’t keep myself from crying when one of my good friends is poking a little fun at me. I literally just couldn’t control the tears as they kept on coming, and the more people tried to calm me down the more hysterical and emotional I got. It was pathetic and whilst I can laugh about it now, I was genuinely mess in the heat of the moment. 

That very special weep-fest came as a result of many things… things which I will list right here, right now in an effort to both process my feelings and also to just let everyone know where I am.

Womb… ahh, yes. The age-old excuse for every woman’s emotional issues, her monthly visitor. Luckily, MY monthly visitor was ACTUALLY visiting at the time. she had knocked on my door, brought in all her luggage and set up camp in my body and made me feel all bloaty, weepy, fragile and generally pathetic. My womb is acting-up an extra-special amount this month, as well, which makes life just SO MUCH fun for everyone. I’ve never in my life felt so fat, never once before cried because I broke a nail and never DREAMED that I would offer such a display as I did to Pow… the display, which he says was “cute” featured me cooking dinner and then curling-up on the sofa into a tiny, pathetic ball of emo and whimpering periodically when something distressed me (ie. a bird flying too close to the window, someone displaying poor acting skills on the films we were watching or Pow’s toe poking me ever-so-slightly in the calf.). I am now over the worst of the womb issues, but still feel slightly fragile, so watch out! 

Muffin… so, I’ve not heard his voice since last Wednesday. That’s the first point. The second point is that I am a needy loose-cannon who needs to get a freaking grip. Let me walk you through the timeline of the last week:  
Wednesday… we talk and it’s nice but extremely brief due to me being the most stupidly busy bee in the world.
Thursday all his computers are taken away and we don’t get to talk at all… two emails and a Skype text telling me he loves me.
Friday is the same.
Saturday he leaves Iraq in the wee hours of the morning and I do not hear from him at all.
Sunday I do not hear from him at all.
Monday I wake up to an email from him and immediately hate myself (as I accidentally woke up early for work but decided to writhe around in bed rather than actually get up, the time I awoke was JUST at the same time that he emailed me)… the email tells me he loves me and that he found some free internet on his phone so he thought he’d say hi. In the evening he posts a hello on my Facebook wall letting me know he’s in germany.
Tuesday I get a text from him at 0622 telling me he’s landed in America and is very tired.
The end. Nothing else. Since yesterday morning I have seen many of the soldiers that he travelled with get on Facebook, send emails and generally have contact with the world… nothing from Muffin. Not a peep. So this is where me being needy comes in. I worry. I worry worse than anyone else I have ever met (eg. If someone says they’re gonna be at mine for 1800, the instant 1805 ticks past, I am freaking out, imagining that they have been in a horrible car accident or have blown me off to go hang out with someone else.) I am irrational and out of control and my mind is racing in a billion different directions right now. Did he die on the car journey from the airport to his house? Has he decided to get back with Karri? Did he and Karri get into a horrible fight and did she murder him or kill herself resulting in a series of investigations and/or hospital/mortuary visits? Is he sleeping? I’ve no idea… all I bloody know is that he’s not responding to the texts I send; I am worried and generally quite fraught. I would be happy with just one little email or update… even if he sent an update to Facebook on his mobile… just something so I know he’s alive. So, danie’s an emotional and worried train-wreck, which is NOT helping my general mental state. 

Pow… every single tiny day that passes makes me love him more and want to leave less. At the end of every day I lie in my bed and realize that he is so totally my best friend and has been a huge source of strength for me for so long… who wants to lose that? The time I spend with him is just so special to me… it makes my heart swell when we spend time cooking or working on our crafts together. I love coming home every day to hear about all the new breakthroughs he’s had with Johnny whilst I’ve been at work. I adore seeing the confused and disapproving looks that our friends give us when we are together, being generally out-of-control and happy, because I KNOW that what he and I have is so much more special than anything most people will ever find in their lifetimes. The bond that he and I have is so huge and magical… he’s my best friend and knows me so well… and I know him so well. We take care of one another and thrive off of one another and I hate thinking of not having that in my life for thirteen months. He’s just amazing, that’s all I can really say…

Nick… I love him. I love him and I hate that we didn’t start hanging out sooner. I look at his beautiful little face and just want to cuddle him forever. I want to bake for him constantly and make him smile. Lately he’s just seemed so sad and I hate it when people I love are sad. I worry about him. I worry that he feels lonely. I worry that he doesn’t get enough face-time with people that ACTUALLY love him. I worry that he isn’t as happy as he deserves to be. I know it isn’t my job to make everyone happy all the time, but with Nick, I feel like he has spent a lot of time making me extra-ordinarily happy and I really want to offer the same back to him. in the short time he and I have been bonding he has made my life so much better… he’s made my smiles bigger and my nights out drunker and I could never thank him enough for that. 

My Family… the pensiveness has begun. The thinking about what it’s going to be like when I get home… how my sisters are going to react to the changes that I have made in my life, both physically and mentally. I would LIKE to think that they would be happy for me because I am their little sister and I am happier than I have been in years, but a part of me reckons that they will see that I’ve got more tattoos, bigger holes in my ears and a boyfriend that they are not the biggest fans of and reject me. I’m not typically the type of person who needs approval from people. I don’t tend to go out of my way to seek out acceptance; but with my sisters… it’s so much different. I spent so many years from my youth feeling so inadequate because of my ideals, morals and the fact that we have different fathers, so when I see myself now, I would like to think that they will see that I have grown-up into a fairly respectable person who’s had excellent jobs, is now a dual-national and is happier than she ever dreamed it was possible to be. Again, I don’t see this happening, so I am just getting horrifically nervous about what it will be like. What they will say, how they will react to Muffin, if they will come to our wedding. Urgh! Family! 

Moving… good god. It’s fifty days away. In seven weeks I will be preparing to get on a plane… packing my bags and hugging all my favourites for the last time for a while. What the fuck? How am I going to cope with that? I am becoming more and more terrified of it… of leaving. I am so scared that I will completely lose myself when I leave… that I will lose myself and that Muffin is thinking of not coming back with me. I am absolutely mortified that he is planning on dropping the massive bombshell on me that says he simply cannot leave america… this terrifies me because I can’t be away for forever. I need to be here, this is my home. the thought of being away from here for more than a year, maybe eighteen months, actually hurts… it physically hurts.
But I’m not just terrified… I am both excited and terrified. Like, I am SO superpumped to see what it will be like to live with Muffin… so excited to see how many kisses we will be able to fit into a day and how many cuddles we’ll have. I can’t WAIT to have his arms, voice and body within arm’s reach at most given moments… to finally have all of this rubbish ocean malarkey out of the way and to just be able to be with one another. I honestly can’t wait. No matter how scared I am, I know that what I will feel when I finally get to go and be with him with no pending date for departure will be so, so much bigger and make any doubts, worries and whatever else my mind can conjure completely disappear. He’s my world and I can’t wait to actually start my life with him.