Just Under Three More Weeks...

I have just under three more weeks and then I'll be thirty.

Thirty.

I've been spending the last several weeks reflecting on the Danie from ten years ago. The Danie who was about to turn twenty was a goddamned mess. I found her blog and am ashamed that it was me who wrote it. I must say that it's a relief that I've always been so raw with my feelings when writing, but the content itself is so unnecessary and unimportant given the changes that I have undergone in the last ten years.

Turning twenty seems like it was tremendously devastating for me. I was going through what I had assumed would be the largest ordeals of my life, when in comparison, they were small fries. I was preparing to move to England and in turn, uproot my entire life for the sake of a love that I had little expectation would end only slightly less quickly than it had begun. I was drastically in love and content to shout it from the rooftops. I was the centre of my universe with little or no regard to anything or anyone that tried to distract from that. I alienated every single person from my life who didn't hold me on a pedestal, unwilling to acknowledge or feel any compassion for anybody but my own self. And for what? I lost several months of friendship with one of the most important and influential people in my life. I said embarrassingly hateful things to people who wanted nothing but to see me make decisions that were going to make my future as beautiful as I wanted it to be. People who were frustrated and exhausted with my petulant attitude and need for constant attention.

Actual constant attention. I literally posted like six entries a day, every single day. I was begging for people to idolize my desperation. There was no notice of other people, their needs, or really anything except how they could help me.

I was living in an ugly world. Nineteen for me was just an awful time and I wish I could go back and slap myself around a little bit and talk some sense to myself.  So many ties were severed in those several months before turning twenty and I hate that I let myself get that bad.

And since, I have gone to England, gotten married, lost my mother, gotten divorced, moved back to America, lost a couple of best friends, gotten married again, lost my grandmother, begun school, and endured the agonizing job that is step-parenting. And that's a nutshell, just a little snippet of the large, sweeping events that have headlined my life in the past ten years. It's been a highly eventful decade that has seen beauty and horrible. Seen great strides that have been painful, but have turned me into a person that I am proud of who has grown and learned hugely.

Now, today, I am just over three weeks to thirty and over three-quarters into my education, happily making my marriage into something I can be infinitely prouder of every day, and building friendships with people who are special and just as willing to let me uplift their lives as they do mine. It's a much more fulfilling and satisfying leap into a new decade.  I have achieved many things and come through a gigantic amount of experiences and I couldn't be happier with where my life is right now.

So, as I go into my next ten years. My thirties. I'm not as scared as I was prior to my twenties. I am eagerly awaiting what my next adventure will look like. How many more beautiful people I will meet, and what new experiences I will have. I can't wait to find out what I will learn and how I will grow. It's not as scary of a time for me and I welcome it with open arms.

All Weak...

i tend to find the judgements i cast upon myself to be incredibly harsh ones and not at all healthy. i sit here, day after day, assessing the things that i think and the expectations i hold, always marking the final drafts of those exams with a massive, red FAIL!

daily i see myself judging all of these unfulfilled expectations i have with a heavy and austere hand that offers little or no mercy to the tiny danie inside of me that just needs holding sometimes.

i wonder more and more often lately what i am doing and why i am doing it. who exactly i am existing for.

when i'm alone or in certain company i find myself feeling strong and sure of the tasks ahead of me, capable of mapping out the paths i must travel to achieve the things that will lead me to some sort of salvation. the problem is that when it actually comes down to the action part of the plan, my confidence immediately collapses and i end up feeling stupid and petty for having wanted or having felt something. someone will say something or pull a face that will completely crush all of my logic and desire, leaving me with a big, empty nothing in my arms that i have to try to explain. i HATE having to explain myself, especially when i am approaching something with such confidence, only to have it belittled and destroyed. it's this lack of ability that worries me about what my future will look like.

currently, i don't know what my future holds. i am constantly reviewing the things i have in my life. i have been for the last three weeks. mostly, today, though, i am questioning England and all the things i thought i had there and all the things i thought i was leaving behind. i speak to people i thought i was closer to and wonder if i just WANTED there to be something important and special there so i didn't feel so alone. i wonder if a lot of the special moments and friendships i spoke so highly of in the months preceding my departure were just fabrications, musings created by my own mind to help me sleep easier at night and to ultimately try to sabotage my progression subconsciously ("progression" being me moving back to America, Muffin and general life advancement).

all the relationships i THOUGHT i had and held in such high regard seem to have completely fallen apart since my departure and others that i hadn't embraced as much are developing and making me wish i'd expanded or tried harder before my time in the land of accents ran out.

at the end of the day, that's what it always comes down to for me, trying harder. i constantly feel like i need to do all the work and put all the effort in for fear that if i don't, i will lose this THING, this stupid THING (i don't even know what it is, it's just a THING) that, i guess, allows me to prove to myself that i am worth it, that i exist. like i NEED certain friends or objects in my life to prove i am valid and have achieved something.

it's not good and it's not healthy, what i'm doing, this emotional terrorism i am committing, putting myself through.

a huge thought i've been having is whether i should bother going back to England at all now. speaking (or, in some cases, NOT speaking) to people i thought i was so close to before i left has resulted in me feeling empty and wondering either what all the fuss was about or where it all went. a great deal of harsh words have been passed between myself and people i thought i was close to, people i loved. words that have made me question myself more than i can remember ever questioning myself. words that have left me wondering if all the effort i have put in, all the time, love and work, has actually been a waste.

i seem to have completely lost Pow... i'd rather not go into details, but just know it seems to be gone for many reasons. it was gone three weeks ago when i spoke to him on Skype and it's just dilapidated from there. all i've been left with from the ruin of that is a lot of empty and hurt. i felt the relationship he and i had was much bigger than what it seems to have turned out to be and now, i WANT to throw all my toys out of the pram and cause a scene, but really, i know i need to deal with this, whatever it is, with as much caution as i can, so as to salvage any small bits of the beautiful we had together so i can piece them into a semblance of a memory in years to come.

so, after losing Pow, what else do i have there? Janey? she's on her way here... Nick? i've not heard from him in ages. since leaving England i've heard from a small handful of people, many of which i've not expected at all, and the rest of them seem to have fallen off the face of the earth. i guess all i have left, apart from this handful of people, are passing friendships that are meaningful, but can be visited in two-week increments.

all the dreams i have at night have lately been pictures of doom and gloom for England. friends and people that i love abandoning me, hurting me or forgetting about me. i wake most mornings to a furrowed brow and tense muscles, sometimes unable to decipher the real from the dream in the first several minutes of being conscious, leaving me feeling guilty and wondering what i've done to deserve this.

i've abandoned attempting to contact a lot of the people i loved most before i left England because i don't understand what's gone wrong and it just results in me feeling pathetic and worthless... wondering why people can so easily just forget about me and ignore me.

i guess i just feel like right now, tonight, i need validation, like i need someone to tell me that i am going to be okay, but very few people are willing to offer me that kindness. this is where my old therapist would tell me that i need to seek those things within myself, but how am i meant to achieve that when i spend so much time questioning things and beating myself up?

i just feel so weak. so, so weak.

reflecting

so, it was nearly one year ago that i sat at my desk and cited the things i would like to see myself accomplish in 2009... a year since i made resolutions for the first time in my life with the intention of actually following through with them.

i wrote them and planned to see how i progressed with them without any specific prodding, as it were. i planned to write them and leave them to be reflected upon within the year to see how i did... i hate the convention that people follow that calls for them to write them out and demonize themselves when they do not follow through with any one or combination of them... i wrote them and am now looking at them for the first time since i posted them to see how i did.

please enjoy, as i am sure i will...

• become better with money... well, i can most certainly say that my money-management has improved. the shift in my fiscal abilities occurred in september as a result of the divorce. as someone who is typically atrocious with money, i immediately realized i had to snap to attention and sort myself out because the estranged was very good at enabling me, which in turn made me lazy, ungrateful and irresponsible. here i am today though, more-or-less able to manage my money.... i have not had to borrow money from anyone (bar that £20 from janeyface) since september, and have been very delighted to see at least a tenner left in my account at the end of each month.
• cut down on cola products... i went through phases through the year, but it was not until the separation that i actually stopped having cola products all together. well, not ALL together, but it is a VERY rare occasion that i will have a cola now. i feel incredible for having done that as well...
• sort out my health... as many of you have witnessed over the last twelve months, the biggest problem i have faced is my mental health. it has been a bloody rough ride, but i have been fortunate enough to finally find a consultant that actually cares and he has helped me to completely pull myself out of this rut. my mental health, whilst rocky at the beginning of the year, has mostly been sorted. i have been off my medication now for about a month and feel incredible. i feel happy and well and confident. a lot of this confidence has to do with the improvement of my physical health. in the last three months i have lost three stone (42 lbs) and i feel freaking awesome! i am eating better, drinking better, have quit smoking and am overall the happiest little creature ever!
• crochet more... and oh have i crocheted my face off this year! i have created so many fabulous things over the last twelve months... i can't even begin to name them all. suffice it to say that they have all been wonderful and have all found their way to happy, wonderful homes.
• finish all my started projects... heh, yeah, no. i am looking around my room and noticing that i have not actually finished even ONE of my started projects. blankets, skirts, paintings, dolls... all still in random states of un-finished. i have just spent too much time consumed on OTHER projects and, if anything, i have only added about twenty MORE items to my list of unfinished things. i really need to sort my life out!
• write people more... well, in some ways i have absolutely done this... because i am planning to move, i have been going through a period of re-connecting. i have been contacting the lovelies i will be returning to so i can make sure they know i adore them and want to prance with them upon my arrival to the mother country. alongside that, i have been putting in a serious effort to cuddle, write and kiss as many of my english beasts as often as possible... i NEED them to know how special they are to me and i NEED to make sure that those bonds are as strong as possible before i go so they don't break whilst i am away.
• tidy more and better... again, since the split, i have REALLY sorted myself... well... overall, i am not THAT tidy of a person, but i have really been putting in the effort to make sure i keep my life in some state of order now. particularly at the moment, i have been trying to de-clutter... this is both in aid of getting all of the estranged's stuff out of my life, but also for me to prepare for my move back stateside... i only want to take the most special of the special back with me, so i need to clear my life.

• blog more... oh yes, this is something i can most definitely say i have been better at. not great, but better. i have tried to make sure that i have posted at least once a week, missing only a month or two here and there when i was having a particularly difficult time. i have been better and am pleased with what i have done thus far.
  
• learn to bake the perfect cake... not cupcake... PROPER cake... no... just no. granted, i DID bake the most perfect carrot cake in the world on easter, i have yet to be able to consistently be able to churn out the perfect cake. i can still blast out the most fabulous cupcakes anyone has ever eaten, but i STILL want to master the perfect cake. 
  
• watch more films... absolutely 100%! i have been SO good this year with films! this is primarily thanks to my beautiful pow pow, as he has been my special date for most of the films i have watched this year, but i can happily say that i have totally crammed in as many films as i could have hoped. i has a satisfied!
  
• collect more lists... meh, i only got a couple dozen this year, certainly not as many has i had hoped... at least i got SOME though!
  
• go out more... in some ways, i guess i have. i have absolutely been making attempts to go out of my comfort zone and see more people, do more things and generally be less of a hermit. i most certainly could have gone out MORE, but i am content with the amount of time i have spent out of my house this year. 
  
• spend more time with husband DOING stuff... meh... this was never really achieved. i guess we KINDA did some stuff together, but overall, one of the main reasons our relationship dissolved was as a result of he and i just not having anything in common anymore and therefore meaning we didnae go out together anymore.
  
• take more photos... whilst i know i could have taken MORE, i am very happy with the amount i HAVE taken this year. i have photo documentation of most of the things i have done or seen this year and for that i am pleased. 
  
• read more... mmm, sure. again, i could have absolutely read more, but i am content with the amount i have read. i consumed all of augusten's memoirs, countless zombie novels, all the daren king books and many others... sure, there are some specific books i would have liked to have read, but i have been a busy girl.. i'll get to them!
  
• BE IN AMERICA FOR CHRISTMAS 2009! well, i think it is pretty clear why this didnae materialize. the good news is that danie will be in america for christmas 2010 AND the following countless christmasses!! yay!!

and with that, i can say i am happy with all i have achieved this year. there are so many things NOT on this list that i am beaming with pride about...  things i couldn't have even imagined were possible when the clocked turned over to 2009. i have grown a great deal this year and have achieved more than i could have hoped. it has been an amazing year and i am pleased with every single little event that took place.

thank you world, for letting this year pass with such flawless perfect. thank you for escorting me safely to 2010. i'll be thinking about you.

uncharted territory...

i received this little gem in my inbox today and can't help but feel moved and stimulated by it... 

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When we are lost, we typically look at a map to figure out where we are and how to get to our chosen destination. This works well, assuming that there is a map of the territory in which we find ourselves, and assuming that we know our destination. However, this is not always the case. At this time in human history, we are all venturing into uncharted territory, whether we know it or not. And as individuals, we may find ourselves covering ground that our predecessors never even knew existed. When we look to them for guidance, they often come up short. Not knowing exactly where we are, we find ourselves unsure of which way to go, and eventually the uneasy feeling that we are lost presents itself.

The beauty of being lost is the same thing that makes it scary—it asks us to look within ourselves to find the way. If we have no map, we must go on instinct, relying on our inner compass to show us which way to go. This can be scary because so much seems to be riding on it. We fear we might go too far in the wrong direction, or become paralyzed and make no progress at all. And yet, this is the very challenge we need to develop our ability to trust ourselves. We are also learning to trust that the universe will support and guide us. We may believe this intellectually, but it is only through experience that it becomes knowledge of the heart. Learning to be okay with being lost and trusting that we will be guided, we begin our journey.

We can support ourselves by confirming that we don’t need to know exactly where we are going in order to take our first steps. We are learning to feel our own way, rather than following an established path, and in doing so we learn to trust ourselves. It is this trust that connects us to the universe and reminds us that no matter how lost we feel, and even as we journey, on the inner level we are already home. 

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and it's true... at the moment i feel lost... it suddenly hit me over the last couple of days that i will be making some huge changes in my life, changes that i have some vague map of, but that are still very new to me. 

like, my thoughts are all racing about all the plans He and i have been making... wondering if they are actually going to happen and how and where and when and why and all the other 'w' questions.

it's hit me that i will be moving continents AGAIN. fucking hell. last time completely destroyed me. i think the reason it destroyed me the most was because i was coming to a new country where i knew nobody bar chris... i had no friends, no family and only the stuff i could carry in a suitcase. but in the last five years i've really made an incredible life for myself... which is good and bad. parts of me wishes that i hadn't. that i had just stayed closed-in and bashful and then i wouldn't have to worry about the heartbreak of leaving all of my most precious creatures behind again. but i didn't do that. instead i embraced my new life and have flourished into this life that is full of such magnificence and wonder that i can hardly believe i have created it myself. i have created bonds with people here that are much stronger than most of the bonds i ever created in america. i have grown with so many of the people i love over here and the thought of leaving them behind is terrifying me.

because i heart lists, i will make a list of the people i heart and why... why it will be so hard to leave them behind.

• janey... she's always the first one that comes to mind when i think about the people it will hurt most to let go... she is so beautiful. she is someone that i have really grown close to. she  is someone i have been able to talk to about anything and she has always given me her honest opinion. she is the best friend that someone could ever  have. she has inspired me to do so many things with her beauty and creativity and freedom. i love her so much.
• claire and mark... i have NO idea where i would be without these two. they have been so massive in the shaping of me. they welcomed me into their band and let me experience true creative freedom. i never felt free-er than when i was playing with them. they have opened me up and introduced me to so many things and people and so much music and art. they showed me how easy it was to be free in myself. to be me for nobody but ME.
• powers... he's just, there are no words. i fell in love with him the instant i met him. i fell in love with his honesty and raw emotion and creativity. his voice and his words are so wonderful and have helped me out of some dark places. despite the fact that he can be really crap at times, he has really helped me. let me talk and has been painfully honest at times, which is what i've needed. he's helped me steer my drive to places where i NEED to be. he inspired me to want to start my baking business, he's inspired me to crochet all the things i've done and he's just... he's just this amazing creature that i can do or say anything to and he will accept me for who i am. he is an incredible boy.
• hannah... she's helped me through so many unbelievable hard times. despite her own illness, she has remained a rock for me in my times of need. she's helped me make decisions and set things right in my head when i really didn't feel like it was possible.
• chris... chris has altered my whole life. the sole reason i came to england in the first place, he has been the one consistent thing in my life that has turned me into the person i am. he has introduced me to so many things... so many things that i can't imagine my life without now... things i didn't know i was missing before i found them. things have have made me whole.

like, i got over the fact that i left america because i was so young and i didn't have a HUGE amount of really close friends... this became evident when all of them stopped communication with me bar a select few. but now, NOW i've grown up... i will be returning to america a completely different person. i will be returning as this person with all these memories and experiences and values that nobody there will share with me. nobody there will be able to relate to me. nobody there will be able to reminisce with me. it is so scary to think about having to leave all these things here again. to leave derby... this place that i thought was going to be my home for the rest of my life. to leave england, the place i've yearned to live since i can remember.

the last six years, aged nineteen to twenty-five are a huge defining time for most people. it is a time when they become their own... develop their careers, start families, buy houses, etc. and that is JUST what they have been for me. the last six years have moulded me into this person. this amazing, independent, happy, creative person who wouldn't exist at all the way she does had it not been for england, derby... janey, pow pow, mark, claire, vic, jaacq, lee lee, chris and so many others. i am so terrified that if i leave this, all of these people, all of the things here that have been inspiring me for the last five years, that i will just stop being me. i know it sounds stupid and i shouldn't identify myself by the people i know... but i DO, they are the reason i am who i am today. i need to know that i will still be ME even without them. that i will keep being me and i won't lose them or myself completely.

that's one of the things i'm most terrified of. losing all of these people. i know over the last five years a lot of the people i loved in america have drifted out of my life and i am so scared that i will lose all of these people. i don't want to ever have to lose them. i love them all so much.

but also, this thing i am leaving it all for, it's bigger than everything. this love is so huge that it makes me WILLING to completely dismember my life again. i swore i would never do it again. i swore that if chris and i didn't work out i was NOT going to go back because i couldn't do it to myself again. the emotional shite that i went through when i moved here was massive. there is no way to explain it. the loneliness and emptiness that i felt was like nothing i've ever felt in my life. i hate the thought of having to feel that again. and i hate the thought of having to burden Him with that. when i moved here chris had to take on a lot of my feelings and insecurities because they were just too huge for me to deal with on my own. he didn't know what to do with them though. he'd never felt anything like it. and i just really hate the thought of having to rely on Him and give Him all this shite when i'm having a bad time.

this IS going to be hard for me. this is going to be SO hard. these last five years have been so huge for me. so massive and the impact of leaving it all behind again is going to be really draining. i am so terrified that He is going to see me come back as a bit of an emotional wreck and will start hating me...


it is all so new and so scary. i hate thinking about it... 


then there's all the other things. learning to trust Him again. something that comes easier with every passing day. He is just such an amazingly beautiful person. He is so gentle and understanding. He is just... everything i need right now. He's my rock and the things i feel, this love, it is so massive. so huge sometimes that i feel like i might die because of the weight. i love Him more every single minute of every single day. He is a rock and He makes my heart swell with the most amazing ache. the ache of yearning and love and memories and... just everything. everything safe is with Him. 


He's told me i can trust Him and for the first time, tonight, i feel like i can trust Him completely, without exception. i have tried to hold on to my heart for fear of having it broken again, but tonight i have decided that i will trust Him. He made me a promise and i will put my faith in that. i will let Him help decipher this map and guide me to where i need to be, which is with Him. 

24: what has changed most about the neighbourhood you grew up in?

well, i guess all i can really say is that it is a vast amount cleaner.

going through the neighbourhood in april for the first time in like, three years really shocked me. it almost didn't look like the same place i used to prance as a child. a lot of the trees were cut down, a lot of picket and chain-link fences were put up and everything had a beautiful blanket of grass covereing it.... bar the streets and pavements, as you can imagine.