recycled air...

today, i've no energy.

i'm ill.

i caught Muffin's ill and now i kinda want to die.

to battle this illness, i've decided to tidy. i've planned a day around severe steam-cleaning of the carpets, hand-mopping the floors in the kitchen and bathroom and re-washing all the dishes.

all of this will happen in between the cooking of a massive ham stew and baking cornbread and cookies.

clearly, i'm not doing all of this only to attempt to thwart my illness, i am also doing this because i feel lost and a little blarrrggghhh and need to do SOMETHING otherwise i will go crazy. i was up all night with horrible thoughts and up all yesterday after a series of incredibly distressing dreams that have still left me feeling beat-up and sore.

my beat-up and sore is more than emotional though. alongside my ill, i am also still suffering from what i can only guess are bruised ribs after seeing Gogol on Wednesday.

we (Muffin and myself) arrived in Seattle after a day of me trying to get him not to go. he'd been ill and i knew that if he went he'd just complain the whole time and not enjoy the music as much as i did. he insisted on going so we arrived and i immediately snuggled myself directly in front of the stage, against the railing, between a very large girl that looked alarmingly like Origami and a tiny girl who looked alarmingly like one of Muffin's friends. the large girl was pleasant and spoke to me until the bands started... Muffin was situated behind me, protecting me from the masses of fans behind us until, after about an hour of Gogol performing, he was shoved aside and i immediately became crushed.

the top of the railing was situated JUST below my tits, allowing for it to apply ample pressure on my ribs and lungs anytime the hundreds of creatures behind me shifted. the pressure became more and more until, after about ninety minutes of them playing, i felt i was going to vomit and then i collapsed. i didn't even realize i had collapsed... i fell forward on the railing and the large girl next to me asked me if i was okay. my brain immediately clicked in (without the rest of my body) and i realized i do not have health insurance, money or means for being seen-to at a hospital, so i shouted i was fine and lifted my head and waved my hands for water from the mullet-ed bouncer stood in front of me. it was only after the drink of water that i realized i couldn't see. i had no idea how long i'd been out and i had no idea what was going on, but there was a lot of noise and i was still being crushed. i turned my body to attempt to reduce the pain in my chest and to find Muffin (which, btw, the BEST way to feel guilty, is to have your boyface go to a gig with you whilst he's ill, only to find that he looks bored and completely miserable every single time you look at him). i grabbed him and said i had passed out and needed to go to the toilet. i could only make out vague shapes and the stress of the noise and movement was making me more wobbly by the minute. he guided me to the toilet where i washed my face and stood until i could see more than shadows then we left.

worst. gig. ever.

so i'm still sore and... meh. it was scary. i've never passed-out before and i never thought i'd be one of THOSE GIRLS that passes out at a gig, but now, apparently, i am.

physical things aside, Muffin and i have been talking, in a very pixellated and frustrated fashion, but still talking.

there are still a lot of topics i refuse to approach him with, because i know that it just won't do any good and, i guess, given my history with Christopher, i feel like i HAVE to deal with all of this alone because they're MY PROBLEMS and it's not Muffin's job to fix me. when i ask for help or love or support, his shit's always bigger, so i never really feel like the stuff i feel is very important. and then when i get a little emo about it all, i just end up feeling stupid, as per usual, for having felt something questionable or wanting a little more.

i can see, right now, how i am falling into the same patterns that i fell into when i moved in England. the depression and helplessness. i don't know anybody, i don't have a job, i don't have any money and a lot of my favourites, the people i loved the hardest, they're gone.

i seem to have completely lost the will to fight. like a dog who's been given that final shot to be put to sleep, but still has the little bits of energy to kick or flail its limbs. i remember this feeling in England. i remember the helplessness and i want to stop it now, because it almost killed me then and right now, it seems to be accelerating and feeling worse by the day. it's stressing Muffin out and... i don't know.

he feels like he's losing me. he held me so tight last night and said he didn't know what to do. i don't even feel like it's appropriate for me to ask for anything specific anymore... i just feel stupid when he gets like that. like i've done something wrong. i feel like i shouldn't have to ASK him to do nice things... i feel like he should want to do nice things for me if he feels like he's losing me, that i'm not going to tell him what to do.

eh. this isn't going anywhere. i'm gonna go for a fag.

have a better day than me. please.

eet

List 10 musical artists you like, in no specific order (do this before reading the questions below)!

1. magnetic fields
2. andrew jackson jihad
3. concertina turner
4. regina spektor
5. new found glory
6. marilyn manson
7. richard cheese
8. the ataris
9. gogol bordello
10. ali pow3rs


-What was the first song you ever heard by 6?
'lunchbox. '

-What is your favourite song of 8?
ohhh... i'd have to say 'i remember you'

-What kind of impact has 1 left on your life?
they have completely changed my love of music... they are the single most amazingly beautiful band on the planet.

-What is your favourite lyric of 5?
'Remember the time we wrote our names upon the wall'

-How many times have you seen 4 live?
none, but i plan to this next year...

-What is your favourite song by 7?
oh god... i think i have to go with 'down with the sickness.' it's classic.

-Is there any song by 3 that makes you sad?
all of them make me sad and happy at the same time. if i HAD to name one it would be 'the pirate song' purely because that was the song that jerry and i really synced together in. he and i were closest when we played this song.

-What is your favourite song by 9?
oh god... um... 'american wedding' or '60 revolutions'

-When did you first get into 1?
about two years ago... christopher had been listening to them for ages and kept telling me i'd like them but i refused to until i heard '100,000 fireflies' and fell in love.

-What is your favourite song by 4?
'samson'

-How many times have you seen 9 live?
four!! yay!

-Is there a song by 2 that makes you sad?
'fly my ass' does... it's just so beautiful.

-What is your favourite song of 1?
oh jesus... i'd have to say 'epitaph for my heart.' if you haven't heard it, go fucking listen to it right now. it is unbelievable.

-How did you become a fan of 10?
the instant i heard him singing in my lounge five years ago.

pining at 87 wpm

Do you hate the last girl you talked to?
ohhh... the last girl i talked to in real life was the lady who owns the shop around the corner and i find it impossible to hate an old pakistani woman with a disabled child.

When is the last time you took a nap?
thursday whilst chris was playing with lester. i laid and napped whilst spirited away occurred.


Do you only drink bottled water?
nah. only idiot faggots do that.

What are you listening to right now?
ohhh... i SHOULD be listening to music, hang on. i will put something on and tell you. 'harmonica in f' by ben's brother.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
husband, just about ten minutes ago to ask when the cooking dem was on so i knew when i had to depart into town for eating and learning to cook.


What's on your mind most today?
getting my hairs done tomorrow. i am SO unbelievably excited!


Something that happened today that made you angry?
ohhh... nothing so far. i am quite a delighted little creature.


Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?
i talk about them constantly. i never, ever, EVER hide my feelings.


Do you wear makeup?
i have my moments. i might pop a little bit on today.

Are you missing someone?
i am pining for jane and theo at the moment.


Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
everyone deserves a second chance... a third, seventh and tenth? no fucking way.


Would you date/hook up with your brothers best friend?
i has nay brother. and wouldn't anyway, as i heart husband.

What color is your hair?
blond and pink... but only for another twenty-six hours.


Where was the last place you hugged?
bed.

Who was the last person you talked to in person?
husband. i mumbled some phrases at him this morning.


What do you want most right now?
a cola.


Are you happy right now?
quite delighted, yes. i want to make sure husband is happier, which will make me even happier.


Is your phone right beside you?
it is indeed.

Are you cold?
the bits of skin who are rebelling from my tee shirt are a bit chilly.


What are you looking forward to in the next few months?
hair!, 4th of july bbq'ing, abseiling, jen and karl coming to visit, starting my new job, trying for baby, gem and mel's wedding, gem's hen night. seeing the sea for REAL! i am just generally looking forward to living.


First thing you do when you wake up?
flick on the computer.

How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night?
two minutes max.

What does your friend call you?
which friend? people mostly call me danie but i am trying to bring 'dan' into the equation. i'll let you know how THAT turns out.


Would you prefer a thunderstorm or for it to be snowing?
thunderstorm like woah! i miss them so much.


Who do you call the most?
husband.


What is your pet's name?
ready? chevy chase (rabbit), Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Half-Cast (goldfish), eileen (catfish), the manson family (shrimps), jeffrey (shark), camilla (loach), unnammed (about thirty other fish), tom jones, roseanne, scat, nipsy, liam (guinea pigs) and the unnamed albino giant african land snail. good LORD that is a lot of pets!


What were you doing 4 hours ago?
hasing an sleep.

Are you that good at math?
reasonably.


What do you get complimented on the most?
what a weird life i lead... i take that as a compliment as the things people find 'weird' about me are like, we shop cheaply, have a lot of pets, were in a band, etc.


Do/did you listen to your parents?
i did mostly.


Have you ever gone to a concert?
HAVE I?! of course i have! several! hooray for gogol!


Are you good at keeping secrets?
secrets don't make friends. i will not say anything until the person who it is being kept from asks me directly. then i dish like a steak din din.


What did you do today?
so far? had teh amazing cuddle with husband, had a lie in, texted theo, turned on computer, stroked chevy, scowled at the rain outside my window, heated up the kebab from last night, commenced eating said kebab, checked emails, read dailyom, had a wee, filled up my water bottle, rang husband, started this.

What kind of tattoos do you want/have?
omg. i have a lot of splendid tattoos... a lifelike t-rex, a t-rex nephew drew when he was seven, two guinea pigs, some dotwork, some arabic writing, a jar of human bits, a rubber duckie, a long quote, the hula, a bunny creature jane did, a star boy, a tree with an owl and some stars. i heart tattoos.

Do you love someone more than words can say?
i do indeed. a lot of someone's.

How many showers have you taken today?
not uno.

Do you drink soda?
i do love cola more than anything but i am trying to cut down.


Have you talked mean about anyone today?
nay.


Can you remember your last dream?
nah.

Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for?
i am married to him!

Suppose you see your boy/girl friend kissing another person, what would you do?
flip the fuck out.


What is bothering you right now?
my foot is asleep and it is playing the most painful waking up game ever.


Can you type over 60 words per minute?
oh yes... 87 wpm biotches!


Would you rather go to Tokyo or Paris?
tokyo. i would actually die to go to tokyo.

Who else is in the room with you?
the goldfish.


Ever kissed a blonde haired, blue eyed person?
yeah. cock-face.


Would you be able to date someone who had a kid with someone else?
yeah. i don't see why not.