this tuesday... THIS TUESDAY!

i know it's early, but i know if i don't do it now, i will never, ever do it. the last week could be compared to a cake. a fabulous cake made of magnificence, win and glory sprinkled only lightly with a little morose.

the week saw me go out for a night out that ended up being unbelievably wonderful, saw me finalize all plans birthday-related and saw me attend my first official day at the Resource Centre Day Hospital.

a full and concise list of things i have hearted over the last week can be seen below...

• seeing things i've sent to someone arrive to them safely... one of the three parcels i sent to Him arrived safely into his arms today. luckily, it was the BEST of the three parcels. it contained the wee creatures i made and a special 'letter' i embroidered onto a piece of felt (yeah, i did the lines and EVERYTHING). it is just like... this little thing has brought us even closer if that's possible. i held these items in my hands a mere twelve days ago and now he has them. i was kissing the nose of that giraffe twelve days ago and now i can watch HIM kiss his nose. He cried and i fell in love all over again. He is just such a precious face and it makes me so happy to see that something i do can make someone THAT happy. (SIDE NOTE: the reason He seems to be smelling things a lot is because i infused things with the scent of danie so's He could associate me with another one of his senses.)

• nights out... very rarely does a night out go as planned... very rarely does a night out actually end up being as glorious as you originally plan for them to. this last saturday was a massive exception to this rule. i had planned this saturday with slight hesitation, given the fail most of the nights out i've had recently have been made of. i went out with a cautious head, determined to at least get a little tipsy and cuddle pow pow's face off. my arrival saw me cuddle many, MANY faces off and prance a great deal with chris tree (of the most youthful face in the world and amazing musical skills) and see many faces i didn't expect i'd see ever again. pow pow was off his face most of the night but he still gave me amazing cuddles and performed amazingly well. given that i had nothing in my belly, i was VERY concerned about drinking, but somehow, by midnight-thirty, i had eleven rum and cokes in me and felt amazing. after multiple photo sessions with multiple beautyfaces i decided to cut my losses and run. the night was amazing and i can't even describe how much fun i had. thanks to everyone. it was perfect and just what this divorcee needed.

• watching pow pow perform... granted, i love watching ALL people perform, pow pow is always at the top of my list. he pulls some amazing faces when he sings. saturday saw me watching one of his newer bands, hot japanese girl, play. it was my first time seeing them and i was immediately judgmental when i saw him arrive with a ridiculous amount of face paint on. i am a floozy for acoustic music and ali's voice when he is only accompanied by a guitar has the ability to make me weak in the knees, but this... there are no words. they were fabulous. the energy that ali puts into his music is just so intense. it makes me SO happy to see him in his element. 
• gogol bordello... oh yes, i have fallen in love with them again, in a big way.  it all started last thursday when they posted some photos from their most recent gigs and i couldn't help but re-hash that love affair via youtube. i watched loads of acoustic sets they did for a show and totally remembered why i fell in love with that big-nosed, blue-eyed beauty named hutz. they are such an amazing band. i can't get enough of them and NEED to see them like, now. 

• my beautiful lee lee... mmm, sunday saw the return of my lee lee for a flying visit due to some magical scheduling at his shop. i was the only individual a privvy to this confidential information and was therefore designated as the orchestrator of people so many deaths-by-glee could occur. i pranced into town sunday morning to meet him and perched at a table at our allocated meeting-spot. i was soon drawn to a whistle stage-right where i was greeted by the most beautiful of little faces. i didn't realize how much i missed him until i saw him and immediately felt the need to grab him and hold him forever. he smelled just like i remembered and during our walk to hannah's i kept having to stop and grab him and squeeze him. he is so beautiful and one of the creatures i will miss most when i move back across the pond.
• OMGMYBIRTHDAY... oh yes, in a mere five days danie will be celebrating her twenty-fifth year on the planet. i am very aware that this MAY be my last celebration in england for a while, so i plan to make it massive and perfect. all things have been arranged and creatures will begin arriving on thursday, which i am SO looking forward to. it will be a stupendous night and MANY photos will occur. OMGSOMANYPHOTOS!

other things, you ask? oh yes, there are some... please has them!
having a really long and restful sleep, grape soda, lindt lindor truffles, valium, looking at other people's journals, making money doing what i love, maral, reading through all my lists, danishchats, writing up itemized lists, the magnetic fields, cinnamon and sultana bagels with cream cheese on, trying out new cupcake recipes, the skill with which i can crochet, re-connecting with old friends, looking at old photographs, the smell of clean laundry, watching people paint, when i'm able to eat without feeling ill, tandem bicycles, meeting new people and really connecting with them, rob padley, girls with shaved heads, how amazingly wonderful and supportive danish is, when time passes really quickly, skirts that fall below the knees, tights with excellent prints on them, eccentric old women, scottish accents, pulling funny faces, danish videos, chicken sushi, alastair's handwriting, the smell of lush, wellies and mustangs.

so yes, i started the day hospital today. i went in not really knowing what to expect but thinking i had an idea of what MIGHT occur there. hey, i've been in treatment, i know all about groups and all that malarkey... but i must say, no amount of groups could have prepared me for the fail that this day hospital is made of. it was just... it seems to be a place that was created for people that are suffering from much more debilitating mental health problems than me. the people that were there were just so out of it. i arrived an hour early and sat and read... someone came and gave me a tour of the day area and i sat and read some more.

once the day officially began it was just... i don't even know how to describe it. just... i don't know. i participated in two groups today, the first being 'health and wellbeing,' which saw about eight of us sat around a table tasting various different fruits and discussing their texture, colour, flavour and price. danie, being the very worldly and self-aware girl she is, was able to discuss all the fruits in great detail, which left everyone staring at me like i had two heads...

it was like, 'o hai! i has blue hairs, massive holes in my ears and will talk excitedly and at-length about any topic you can throw at me!'

so yes, needless to say, i got stared at a lot by the other inhabitants of the group who were really not well and therefore did not want to participate in the groups.

i just want someplace i can go and actually talk about stuff. i don't want to sit around and do arts and crafts or eat fruit... i want to talk and work through my problems. i am aware i have them and want them to stop. i want to learn how to get through them, not learn ways i can ignore them.

i shall give it another day or two and then ring my consultant and tell him what i reckon. who knows, perhaps tomorrow will surprise me and will be really helpful. i'm not holding my breath though.

you just keep me hanging on...

oh my... weeks upon weeks, huh? it seems like they're all blending together at the moment into one big ball of... i don't even know what... something big, daunting and oddly beautiful. the week has seen me get my own computer set up (as christopher does not want his time with man-face interrupted anymore), seen me stay up later than anything ever for nightime chats and has seen me get a special phone call from iraq... all of these and more to be listed in my things i heart this tuesday!

• mental health professionals... i know i go on about them a lot, but today i had an appointment. it was my appointment for CBT... well... COMPASSIONATE SELF GROUP THERAPY. i went to the appointment not knowing more than what the brief letter had said... the general gist claiming that there will be a group starting soon that will assist people in finding ways to cope with personal emotional problems in a 'safe' environment. my first thought is... GROUP?! um... no thanks. i HATE the thought of it. i hate the thought of having to sit in a giant room with lots of people and talk about my issues and listen to theirs... i just want a safe place where i can go talk to one person and only have to worry that that one person will be going home to talk about the 'crazy american' that was in their office that day (you can say that it doesn't happen, but people ALWAYS talk about things... they just get out of it by not saying names). the day started badly actually yesterday... i got up at early'o'clock and started making my way to the locale, ringing into work to check what time i had put my appointment as on my calendar... judith then informed me that my appointment was not until today. SO today i made my way there... still not remembering what time the appointment was. i arrived an hour early and sat. all the magazines were from over a year ago and i was cold and wet so i settled in with my current book friend and read for the next fifty minutes. just after my arranged appointment time the doctor came in and called me into another room. she was a very fabulous woman with beautiful brown hairs and quite possibly the shortest skirt i've ever seen a mental health professional wear in my life. we sat and she immediately turned into a giant ball of lovely. she apologised for the room being so large and said that she had some letters from my consultant but would rather just get the information from me. within the first five minutes we had covered the sordid details of my upbringing (me having to care from my mum from a young age and my father never being around). she pulled a lot of sad faces that made me feel she was either genuinely moved by my story or that she was just putting on a really good show to make it look like she cared more than she did. we talked for an hour and she told me how she was impressed that i had such a strong insight into my own problems and that the main reason i might be beneficial to the group is as a role model. we then delved a little deeper and she came to the conclusion that i do a lot of the things i do for love... i bake, crochet, go out of my way for people because i feel if i don't, they may not love me... she asked me if that sounded accurate and i was loathe to admit that yes, it was... i had never really thought of it that way, but i really do... i am forever doing things, going out on a limb, forgiving people. i am forever exhausting myself in fear that if i don't, i won't ever speak to those people... she reckons the group would help me in that aspect. to help me realize i need to let those people go because i am only exhausting myself, which i don't deserve. she also wants to refer me to the day hospital because i've not been eating or sleeping. she said she'd at least like to see me go to an assessment and i wouldn't have any obligations from there. ho-hum. we'll see.
  
• OMG MILK! literally, i cannot get enough milk at the moment. i can drink it forever and never, ever get tired of it. i don't understand why i go through such serious phases of it, but MAN when i do, i can't stop.
  
• Changing my surname! so, there are plans afoot... it's not for certain, but i am really keen on changing my surname once the divorce is final. my name, IF i so choose to change it, will end up being Danie Honeybun. **squee**
• really special phone calls!! now, typically when my mobile goes and it's a number i don't know, i don't answer it. i hate telemarketers and telesurveys, so i try to avoid them at all cost. last night though, when my mobile went, i looked at the number and my very first instinct was to answer it... i didn't know the number and it was after eight... i don't know why i DID end up answering it. as soon as i picked up i heard someone say 'it's a voice!' and then a rustle. i immediately thought to hang up, but my interest was piqued. i said hello again and heard, in the most glorious of voices, 'is that an american accent?' this telephone call would prove to be in one of the top three most special phone calls of all time. this phone call was to be the call that made me feel slightly less depressed and want to eat more. this phone call was from Iraq. it was Him! it was His voice and it was Him! He had been going from line to line for the last ten minutes so He could hear my voice and i could hear His. the following fifty minutes and four seconds were a flurry of emotion, excitement and glee as we talked about how i was going to beat Him up and we were going to be the best flatmates in the whole, wide world. it was like the last nine years hadn't happened and we talked like we did that first night. we joked and laughed and it was just amazing. i could have literally died happy after that phone call.
• watching people sleep! i have ALWAYS had a thing for watching people sleep. i used to watch my mum, buddy, chris and Him. i find something so magical and relaxing about watching people sleep. the sleep-ee is just so peaceful and angelic, so when He came online last night and said He was going to leave the lights on for me, i was excited. He left the lights on and went to bed. i had only planned to watch for about ten minutes but those ten minutes soon turned into forty, which soon turned into a hour, which soon turned into two. it was so strange. my mobile kept going or i kept coughing and i got all antsy, not wanting to wake Him, forgetting that He is so many miles away that He never could have woken up via my interruptions. even as i typed Him an email and watched him sleep, i was typing as quietly as i could, so as to not disrupt him. how silly is that? it is so calming... watching the chest rise and fall as they slumber.
• my bear ears! i never really gave them the full appreciation they deserved, but they are incredible.
• Elbow... it was just a brief status update that made me look into them. my friend alex was musing about why she hadn't noticed their album 'the seldom seen kid' before now. i immediately looked up the lyrics to some of the songs from the album and fell in love. fell hard and fast in love. since being drawn in by their lyrics i have been drawn in by a series of videos where they recorded with the BBC Concert Orchestra. literally, i was up all night saturday watching all of the videos and falling harder than i have ever fallen in my life. i LOVE strings and his voice is just... wow.

• that 1 guy! for fuck's sake! when He suggested them to me i was slightly dismissive but now i will never, EVER doubt Him or his musical suggestions. if you have not fallen in love with him via my facebook yet, go forth and love him.
• my blue hairs! after a great deal of umm'ing and ahhh'ing about it, i finally took the plunge and stopped being blond. perhaps it was because of my mood or perhaps it was because it was one of only six colours i have in the cupboard, but i went for blue and love it in a hardcore way.
  
• impromptu prances with friends! after my appointment today i thought i'd drop in to see hannah. after appropriate amounts of cuddles we chatted about Him and jerk-face and all other daniedrama. it was fun and delightful. i hung around until her sig-oh (dave of the wondrous dreadlocks and singing voice) arrived with alastair in tow. alastair gave me one of his trademark amazingcuddles and i was suitably delighted and prepared to go home. dave then insisted that i prance out to ASDA (wal mart) with him and alastair as something to do with the afternoon. after MUCH persuasion i obliged and oh how we pranced! it is always quite fun to go out to one of the HUGE supermarkets and just run amok, which we did, beginning in the halloween isle. i heart ASDA.
  

other things i heart in a less-informative fashion are as follows: grammar, watching people's faces when they play drums, brushing my teeths, the videos He's made for me, planning parcels for people, stripey tops, my cleavage, janey, the smell of old books, getting letters from my grandma, making mega-mixes for people, dane cook, when plans come together, dresden dolls, planning my future, talking to ashley, my giant headphones, etc...

so nice, so smart

another tuesday and another week gone... it's been nearly three weeks and it feels like three years. i'm tired, worn out and feel more terrible every day. i never, ever thought that it would feel like this... like every day i was losing another part of me. today it was my will to fight. i have no energy anymore...

but i shall make a list, i need to make sure i try and keep something positive in my life... keep focusing on the small glimmers in the mud that has filled my world.

i heart...

• talking about my problems with health professionals... work has been really supportive of the junk i've been going through and with the aim of finding better ways to support me they have referred me to the Occupational Health Department of our Trust. the referral was actually made in August, but it took that long for them to get me in... since my appointment i have gotten 'better' and then fallen apart. walking to my appointment yesterday i was pensive... unsure of what they would want to talk about and what they would suggest. after ambling around the new wings of the hospital for ages trying to find where my appointment was meant to take place i finally found it and sat down. sat and felt like everyone was staring at me... knew that i was some dishevelled creature that was likely to fall apart at any moment. i was called into the office and she was lovely. asked how my physical health was (okay), how work was (bearable) and then asked how my home life was... i paused... instantly became weepy and said that i was going to cry. i find it easier to warn people that i'm going to cry than to just burst out with it. she listened as i told her i was getting a divorce and that i felt like my life was falling apart. listened patiently as i told her my depression was worse every day and that i was thinking morbid thoughts again. listened as i told her that i had no appetite or desire to anything at all anymore. she asked how work was and i told her it was okay bar satankim. in the end she said that it wasn't going to be easy (!) but i would get through it in time and that she was pleased to see that i was still going to work. i have an appointment with my consultant monday which i am looking forward to... Miss Occupational Health said she thinks the doctor will put me on stronger anti-depressants, but that i should keep going to work and take more breaks if i need them. keep my mind occupied.
• magnetic fields... no music in the world makes me happier than them. i literally cannot get enough of them at the moment. all i want to do constantly is listen to their lyrics and remember feeling the things their lyrics say.
• cupcakes... again with the cupcakes! i have had an order for 100 cupcakes, paid. i was reluctant to take the offer at first but decided preoccupying my mind would be the best thing for me. i baked a batch of my finest confections sunday and marched to a pub in town to meet up with the patrons so they could try them. needless to say, they loved them, so we drew up a plan for what would come to be the 100 cakes that will be served at their wedding. i am incredibly excited to make these... they will be so beautiful... photos WILL occur AND blow your mind.
• david sedaris... so, despite my allegiance to mister burroughs, i have now read all of his memoirs, so i was forced to read someone else's. luckily i chose someone who is fairly similar.... not GREAT, but similar. he writes very witty, fun stories that make me yearn for my own childhood again. what is it with me and gay memoirists?
• having the bed to myself... oh yes. the best thing to come out of this divorce is the fact that i get the entire bed to myself all night, every night. granted, i do miss having a human-furnace on the particularly cold nights, but i LOVE that i can sprawl anywhere and everyone on the bed.

misc...watching people's lips move when they play guitar, stand-up comedy, watching lester sing, the smell of fireworks, the new season of Desperate Housewives!, LarryDavid, the broken family band, buckshot soup, banjos, laughing until i cry, daily OM, french accents, my ashbeast, emails from danish...

well, that's me spent... time for a date with my duvet, david sedaris and a megamix.