Oh MY I am exhausted!
I've been battling a very fabulous (and VERY self-diagnosed) chest infection and cold. Alongside my chest aching and nose running I've also been on a particularly horrific period, which has made me EXTRA delightful! SO, I've not been sleeping, not been eating and have been wildly into organizing our house in between bouts of hacking up my lungs and sniffling.
Anyways, let's get a list out of the way that way I can get myself back into a cuddled position in my cocoon of blankets.
losing more weight! Yup! You guessed it! I've lost ANOTHER three pounds! It's very exciting! I'm currently winning the weight loss challenge in our class and I couldn't be happier!
Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Kleenex Cool-Touch tissues
BIRTHDAY WEEK... OH YES! MY BIRTHDAY IS IN TWO DAYS AND I AM SO EXCITED!!
ice water with lemon
Christmas planning... The little lady is coming to visit for a week this winter season and we are SO EXCITED! We've been planning some fun activities and can't WAIT to give her some cuddles and spend some time just hanging with her! Muffin is particularly excited and I just can't wait to see his little face light up when he gets to see her open Christmas presents and play in the snow that it seems more and more likely every day that we'll get.
painting my nails... I've been trying out some new stuff on my nails recently and I'm pretty pleased with myself. I did butterfly wings and stitches and now my nails are adorned with argyle. It's fabulous!
crocheting
watching films from my childhood
old horror films
frozen yogurt
how fast my hair is growing
pork chops
my raspy, sexy voice... you remember that episode of FRIENDS where Phoebe caught a cold and had a sexy raspy voice? Yeah, that's me right now, which means that I'm talking an extra amount purely because I sound SO SEXY! But also kinda like a man.
GLITTER
Masterchef Junior
getting Birthday cards!
organizing stuff
Pacific Rim
Wal-Mart
salmon
T25... This workout regimen has completely changed my life and I could not be more pleased. I was horrified at first about how hard it would be, but it really has pushed me and made my progress more noticeable. It's so awesome and I'd recommend it to anybody! He's so inspirational and pushes you just the right amount to make you feel the burn.
soda water
swimming
drawing
Well, that's it for now. I'm ready to go curl into my bed, turn on Sleepaway Camp and get some fabulous sleep before getting up early tomorrow to put out some more fires. I've got a lot of stuff to take care of in the next few weeks and I feel very much ready to make that happen!
Have a great week everyone!
Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts
Tuesday, 12 November 2013
Monday, 12 December 2011
Ersatz Danie
Ersatz (n) Serving as a substitute; synthetic; artificial.
a few facts about my recents and things i've clearly just been too fucking lazy to just sit down and post in the last several months, meaning that most everyone who USED to read my blog most likely has gotten bored with and forgot about me?
i've put on very nearly forty pounds... this leaves me completely unwilling to go out into public situations where people may notice that i've put on weight. i refuse as wildly as i can to go see friends or go to open mic nights. i post very few photos of myself. i take even less. i hate looking at myself in the mirror and avoid it as often as possible. my hair's ugly. my face is ugly and pudgy. my belly is embarrassing. when going out i layer as much as possible to make it look more as if i'm just sheltering a thinner body with tons of layers... nobody else needs to know that most of those layers are made of fat. i hate for Muffin to see me and am stifled only with shame when he DOES catch a glimpse of me in any state of undress.
i have a job now... which is actually going astoundingly well. i was officially offered the job on my birthday, which worked out to the best birthday present i could have imagined receiving... even if it DID have to come from a chain retail store. i work at Kmart as a cashier and have been kicking so much arse and taking so many names (literally, for rewards programmes) that they have told me they are ninety-eight percent sure they will be keeping me on after my original strictly-seasonal hiring scheme and they have already begun training me to work the service desk. it's pretty thrilling and no, it's not what i imagined my future would look like, but if it DOES work out, Muffin and i have plans that will boost our future into a fabulous superdrive... until then, i ring things up, stock shelves and maintain an energetically friendly demeanor.
my stuff is finally coming home to me... after a long and very painfully drawn-out several months, all of my stuff from England is officially in the United States and undergoing customs inspections so they can make their way across the country to my very eager open arms. there is no way to actually explain the excitement that i wake up with every morning, knowing that i will finally be able to wear that ONE green jacket, crochet with that ONE skein of blue wool and look through that ONE box of photos that i had sitting quietly in the drawer of my little white desk. on the other hand, i am occasionally filled with dread, imagining the amazingly devastating emotional tornado that will fill the McBlowme household when the first box is opened and i catch that very familiar sent of England and Pow... merely thinking of the way it will feel offers me a very special nausea in my stomach that terrifies me. it'll be a blessing and a final closing of a very, horribly painful chapter in my life that i am not looking forward to.
so, when you no doubt ask yourself what the title and definition at the top of this post have to do with anything... i will tell you that just these small examples of my currents, they are what are making me feel that i am existing completely not as myself... i feel completely alone, empty and lost right now.
the only time i feel grounded is with Muffin. he makes everything in my aching heart feel perfectly okay. i seem to have finally passed that huge, hideous hurdle that was thrown up last February into a place that feels safe, honest and completely real and i find myself more and more often dumbfounded for all the luck i have to have finally been able to start building a life with him.
but when i'm at work? when i've woken up and he's at school? when he's in the bath? i sit and have no idea who i am or what i'm doing. the level of disconnection i have from everything and everyone at the moment is completely foreign to me and i have no understanding of how to deal with it, except to ignore it.... ignoring it seems to be the only way that i might be able to get past it... except for when people point out that i seem to have died, it's then that i feel fucking retarded because there SEEMS to be no reason for me to have literally fallen apart, i just have. it just feels like it was overdue for me to.
people, very few people have reached out, but not far enough and i've just not their grip too.
i seem to have lost my grip on everything.
the loss of friends, the lack of inspiration, the excess of stimulation over the last several months (travel, visits, sights, sounds, smells) seem to have left me raw... and that's all i can say to explain it... everything happened in such a short span of time that i lost touch with reality and sanity.
so please, don't give up on me... reach further and help me if you wish, otherwise, i really will be back, eventually.
a few facts about my recents and things i've clearly just been too fucking lazy to just sit down and post in the last several months, meaning that most everyone who USED to read my blog most likely has gotten bored with and forgot about me?
i've put on very nearly forty pounds... this leaves me completely unwilling to go out into public situations where people may notice that i've put on weight. i refuse as wildly as i can to go see friends or go to open mic nights. i post very few photos of myself. i take even less. i hate looking at myself in the mirror and avoid it as often as possible. my hair's ugly. my face is ugly and pudgy. my belly is embarrassing. when going out i layer as much as possible to make it look more as if i'm just sheltering a thinner body with tons of layers... nobody else needs to know that most of those layers are made of fat. i hate for Muffin to see me and am stifled only with shame when he DOES catch a glimpse of me in any state of undress.
i have a job now... which is actually going astoundingly well. i was officially offered the job on my birthday, which worked out to the best birthday present i could have imagined receiving... even if it DID have to come from a chain retail store. i work at Kmart as a cashier and have been kicking so much arse and taking so many names (literally, for rewards programmes) that they have told me they are ninety-eight percent sure they will be keeping me on after my original strictly-seasonal hiring scheme and they have already begun training me to work the service desk. it's pretty thrilling and no, it's not what i imagined my future would look like, but if it DOES work out, Muffin and i have plans that will boost our future into a fabulous superdrive... until then, i ring things up, stock shelves and maintain an energetically friendly demeanor.
my stuff is finally coming home to me... after a long and very painfully drawn-out several months, all of my stuff from England is officially in the United States and undergoing customs inspections so they can make their way across the country to my very eager open arms. there is no way to actually explain the excitement that i wake up with every morning, knowing that i will finally be able to wear that ONE green jacket, crochet with that ONE skein of blue wool and look through that ONE box of photos that i had sitting quietly in the drawer of my little white desk. on the other hand, i am occasionally filled with dread, imagining the amazingly devastating emotional tornado that will fill the McBlowme household when the first box is opened and i catch that very familiar sent of England and Pow... merely thinking of the way it will feel offers me a very special nausea in my stomach that terrifies me. it'll be a blessing and a final closing of a very, horribly painful chapter in my life that i am not looking forward to.
so, when you no doubt ask yourself what the title and definition at the top of this post have to do with anything... i will tell you that just these small examples of my currents, they are what are making me feel that i am existing completely not as myself... i feel completely alone, empty and lost right now.
the only time i feel grounded is with Muffin. he makes everything in my aching heart feel perfectly okay. i seem to have finally passed that huge, hideous hurdle that was thrown up last February into a place that feels safe, honest and completely real and i find myself more and more often dumbfounded for all the luck i have to have finally been able to start building a life with him.
but when i'm at work? when i've woken up and he's at school? when he's in the bath? i sit and have no idea who i am or what i'm doing. the level of disconnection i have from everything and everyone at the moment is completely foreign to me and i have no understanding of how to deal with it, except to ignore it.... ignoring it seems to be the only way that i might be able to get past it... except for when people point out that i seem to have died, it's then that i feel fucking retarded because there SEEMS to be no reason for me to have literally fallen apart, i just have. it just feels like it was overdue for me to.
people, very few people have reached out, but not far enough and i've just not their grip too.
i seem to have lost my grip on everything.
the loss of friends, the lack of inspiration, the excess of stimulation over the last several months (travel, visits, sights, sounds, smells) seem to have left me raw... and that's all i can say to explain it... everything happened in such a short span of time that i lost touch with reality and sanity.
so please, don't give up on me... reach further and help me if you wish, otherwise, i really will be back, eventually.
Friday, 21 January 2011
my body, my choice
overall, things have been okay.
i have been on a bit of a mission to purge the hideous things from my life. Origami, bad attitudes and awful people. i've been successful and feeling generally better about most things, on a slow incline...
the only thing i can't seem to find the ability to stop feeling terrible about constantly is my weight.
i still, today, find myself to be incredibly insecure with my body image.
now, this isn't a cry for help or a blog stating i have any sort of eating disorder, but more a way for me to explain what's happening in my head with regard to my body, weight and general appearance.
like, i can SEE that i've lost a lot of weight. i know that. i peruse old photos of myself starting from when Christopher and i split up and can honestly tell that i have had a drastic change happen to me.
obviously, i know this from more than photos. i know this from the endless streams of comments and emails i get from people saying that they can't believe how thin i am and that they are worried that i'm not eating and that i have lost so much weight... i get it. i HAVE lost weight. the evidence is right up there and also in front of me every time i step on my scales and see i've lost a little bit more weight (something i do three times a day, after learning that from Christopher. i weigh myself in the morning, afternoon and before bed and average the totals. obsessive? i think so!)
the day Christopher and i split up i weight sixteen and-a-half stone (231 lbs) and now, today, i weigh twelve and-a-half stone(177 lbs). it is very clear that i've lost 54 lbs, i get that, but a lot of the time, i still look at myself and photos that are taken and am shocked by what i see. by how much weight i still hold on to.
when Christopher and i split up i didn't eat. i was depressed and went two weeks living exclusively on water and fags. that's it. so i very quickly lost a stone (14lbs). since then, i just can't find the ability to eat very much in one sitting. the only time i really ever eat very much is when i'm with janey (and that's purely because that's all we EVER really did together, apart from drink, a lot). i am the source of constant jokes from Muffin, saying he can't take me anywhere because i just don't finish eating anything, ever.
i FEEL hungry almost all the time, but typically, the instant i start to prepare food or that food is in front of me, i tend to feel ill and not at all ready to nosh. that lack of desire to eat has nothing to do with my weight, but more... i just don't know. like, i don't see food and immediately feel guilty or want to purge. i just don't feel hungry and typically feel ill when food's put in front of me.
it's a waste of a meal when i cook most nights because if i have eating anything, any tiny, little thing at all to eat during the day, there is no way i will be able to eat more than like, five bites of whatever i serve up for Muffin and myself. it's embarrassing and not at all nice for me.
despite this lack of eating, i just do not seem to be shifting any visible weight. i AM losing weight, but nothing that you can tell. i look in the mirror every day and my bum is just as enormous, along with my hips, thighs and tum.
i didn't really click that i had a real kind of weight issue until last week. i was out having a fag whilst picking the mail out of the postbox when i caught my visage in the front window of the house. i saw that i am actually quite a lot thinner than i usually see. i sat and thought for a moment about a conversation Muffin and i had had a day or two prior. a conversation that saw me complaining again about my weight and saw Muffin poking a little fun in reference to an episode of American Dad we had watched recently that focused on Stan having anorexia and seeing himself as physically fat and dieting and working out, when actually, he was emaciated and erupting concern within his family.
again, i must reiterate that i am NOT anorexic, bulimic or anything else you can put a label on. i just have a terrible issue with self-image.
i just don't understand. i don't get why i have such an issue. why i can't look at myself and see that i have made a lot of progress, rather than hate the fact that i haven't made MORE progress.
i know weight loss and body image are a huge issue with the bulk of the world's population, but i just can't shake this feeling. these thoughts that i am still too fat and hideous. i go through "ugly phases" where i just hate my face and body and everything, which i just don't know how to stop.
how do you stop feeling like this? what can i do to make myself love myself more?
i have been on a bit of a mission to purge the hideous things from my life. Origami, bad attitudes and awful people. i've been successful and feeling generally better about most things, on a slow incline...
the only thing i can't seem to find the ability to stop feeling terrible about constantly is my weight.
i still, today, find myself to be incredibly insecure with my body image.
now, this isn't a cry for help or a blog stating i have any sort of eating disorder, but more a way for me to explain what's happening in my head with regard to my body, weight and general appearance.
like, i can SEE that i've lost a lot of weight. i know that. i peruse old photos of myself starting from when Christopher and i split up and can honestly tell that i have had a drastic change happen to me.
obviously, i know this from more than photos. i know this from the endless streams of comments and emails i get from people saying that they can't believe how thin i am and that they are worried that i'm not eating and that i have lost so much weight... i get it. i HAVE lost weight. the evidence is right up there and also in front of me every time i step on my scales and see i've lost a little bit more weight (something i do three times a day, after learning that from Christopher. i weigh myself in the morning, afternoon and before bed and average the totals. obsessive? i think so!)
the day Christopher and i split up i weight sixteen and-a-half stone (231 lbs) and now, today, i weigh twelve and-a-half stone(177 lbs). it is very clear that i've lost 54 lbs, i get that, but a lot of the time, i still look at myself and photos that are taken and am shocked by what i see. by how much weight i still hold on to.
when Christopher and i split up i didn't eat. i was depressed and went two weeks living exclusively on water and fags. that's it. so i very quickly lost a stone (14lbs). since then, i just can't find the ability to eat very much in one sitting. the only time i really ever eat very much is when i'm with janey (and that's purely because that's all we EVER really did together, apart from drink, a lot). i am the source of constant jokes from Muffin, saying he can't take me anywhere because i just don't finish eating anything, ever.
i FEEL hungry almost all the time, but typically, the instant i start to prepare food or that food is in front of me, i tend to feel ill and not at all ready to nosh. that lack of desire to eat has nothing to do with my weight, but more... i just don't know. like, i don't see food and immediately feel guilty or want to purge. i just don't feel hungry and typically feel ill when food's put in front of me.
it's a waste of a meal when i cook most nights because if i have eating anything, any tiny, little thing at all to eat during the day, there is no way i will be able to eat more than like, five bites of whatever i serve up for Muffin and myself. it's embarrassing and not at all nice for me.
despite this lack of eating, i just do not seem to be shifting any visible weight. i AM losing weight, but nothing that you can tell. i look in the mirror every day and my bum is just as enormous, along with my hips, thighs and tum.
i didn't really click that i had a real kind of weight issue until last week. i was out having a fag whilst picking the mail out of the postbox when i caught my visage in the front window of the house. i saw that i am actually quite a lot thinner than i usually see. i sat and thought for a moment about a conversation Muffin and i had had a day or two prior. a conversation that saw me complaining again about my weight and saw Muffin poking a little fun in reference to an episode of American Dad we had watched recently that focused on Stan having anorexia and seeing himself as physically fat and dieting and working out, when actually, he was emaciated and erupting concern within his family.
again, i must reiterate that i am NOT anorexic, bulimic or anything else you can put a label on. i just have a terrible issue with self-image.
i just don't understand. i don't get why i have such an issue. why i can't look at myself and see that i have made a lot of progress, rather than hate the fact that i haven't made MORE progress.
i know weight loss and body image are a huge issue with the bulk of the world's population, but i just can't shake this feeling. these thoughts that i am still too fat and hideous. i go through "ugly phases" where i just hate my face and body and everything, which i just don't know how to stop.
how do you stop feeling like this? what can i do to make myself love myself more?
Tuesday, 10 August 2010
tuesday or something...
i'm tired and stuff... doing another blog, so i won't write a big thing here... just wait for the next blog.
and have a lovely tuesday...
and a list...
Playing on swings… it took me two weeks of harassing and prodding him before he submitted. It took me making him an incredible stuffed toy, several dinners, cookies and countless cups of tea before he was willing to finally go play on the swings with me. Last Wednesday Graham and I were due to meet at 1727 to swap the latest edition of our themed megamix swap and then go play on the swings. I changed the time of the playdate due to me being covered in SERIOUS amounts of dust and debris from the latest documents that I have been sifting through for workies. I needed a bath and I needed it STAT! I came home, had an incredible bath, shaved my leggies and put on my favourite trousers and jumper before retiring to the sofa to await the arrival of Graham the tiny. He arrived and we sat, swapped discs and had a fag whilst we mulled-over the songs on the musical gifts we had just given one another. Post-fag we marched to a nearby park and played… the swings were TECHNICALLY designated for the bottoms of toddlers, but we happily perched atop the cages created to hold in even the writheiest of children and talked as we swung. We talked about what wild animals we would be, our first impressions of one another and jobs we used to have as I kicked my legs back and forth to create as much swinging action as possible. I paid little attention to most of the conversation as I enjoyed feeling the wind dance around my face and watched the ground change size below me depending on where I was on my pendulous route. I love swinging and in a small way, I love Graham for going with me because it’s been years since I’ve gone and he’s the first person who’s obliged me. More swinging to come.
losing weight… whilst I’m not doing it in the most healthy of ways, I am still doing it and I feel very excellent about it. I have now developed SUCH a massive stress-ball in my stomach that I can barely bring myself to eat more than about 800 calories a day. I become full very quickly and tend to not find myself very hungry for quite some time between eating. People are worried and… well… I’m not. I don’t feel unhealthy. I feel okay… just a little vomittous occasionally. I am sure it’ll pick up again once I’ve settled, but until then, I can now enjoy the fact that I’m officially below thirteen stone and can fit into my wedding dress again (for anyone keeping count, that means I’ve lost 49lbs, not a lot, but enough to make me a happy camper.)
paté
hugs… I seem to have become the biggest hug-slut in the history of the world at the moment. I am sure all my friends are bloody sick and tired of having me ask for hugs, but I don’t care. Last night, before bed, I asked Pow for a total of five hugs, every one after the first prompting a sassy response from him and a shrug from me. At the moment I want to grab everyone that I love most and cuddle them constantly… I can’t get enough of hugs. They have a natural power for making me feel calm and taking away all the ick that I have in my head, so I will continue using these as my free and easy form of Valium.
Graham hugs… VERY few and far-between, which is what I think makes them so special. I’ve have TWO hugs from him in the time that I’ve known him… the first being in the first couple of days and the second being last Wednesday at the end of the day. It was the tightest, most fabulous little bear hug ever and I want MORE!
things that remind me of people
when boys take their top shirts off and the bottom shirt pulls up too, showing off their tummies… gahhhhhh! Yummy!
the way Nick got jealous of Graham… perhaps last week? I posted an entry on IHTAT that said Graham was the funniest person I had ever met… a statement I said with little or no thought. He’s hysterical and although I’ve met a lot of funny people in my life, Graham usually takes the cake with his amazingly quick wit and seemingly endless knowledge of mostly everything. It seems I paid too little notice to this comment though as it was brought up on Saturday night after the pub had shut and Nick and I were sat alone in the beer garden. I was untangling the wire for my headphones when Nick told me that Graham is not actually the funniest person I’d ever met. I confirmed that he was and Nick and I carried on a conversation circling around reasons why Nick is funnier than Graham and why I am wrong. It was cute and made me want to snuggle him. I love Nick and secretly think he is ever-so-slightly funnier than Graham, but only slightly, and in a different way.
realizing that what I have with certain people is really special… oftentimes I find myself getting jealous when I see other people hanging out with Nick, Pow or Janey… the stupid part of my brain that is not very confident becomes wrapped-up in wondering why I’m not good enough and why they aren’t hanging around with ME… this turns into a horrible spiral that makes me begin hating myself for being jealous and hating the other individual for infiltrating my zone…. Then it clicks: what I have with certain people in my life is so, so special. There are things I will do and say with Pow, Janey and Nick that I’ll never do with anyone else and likewise, there are things they will do with me and say to me that they wouldn’t dream to do with or tell anyone else, so I know very much that the careful cultivation that I have done on the crops of my friendships has not been done in vain, as at the end of the day, they are still my most special creatures and a small part of them loves me an extra-special amount as well.
the smell of boiling pasta
nights in the pub when everyone else has left and it’s just Nick and me
karaoke
Rob Rouse
being in my office alone
Potterton
fresh green beans
bad (terrible)horror films
walking around with no real aim
planning visits with LaDonna… that’s what every phonecall with my sister features at the moment, planning. We discuss the dates I will be in Cheyenne and what I’d like to do, where I will stay (with her) and how nice it will be to see one another. It’s just going to be so nice to see my family again.
the fact that nobody else’s cakes will do
SIXTEEN DAYS!
and have a lovely tuesday...
and a list...
Playing on swings… it took me two weeks of harassing and prodding him before he submitted. It took me making him an incredible stuffed toy, several dinners, cookies and countless cups of tea before he was willing to finally go play on the swings with me. Last Wednesday Graham and I were due to meet at 1727 to swap the latest edition of our themed megamix swap and then go play on the swings. I changed the time of the playdate due to me being covered in SERIOUS amounts of dust and debris from the latest documents that I have been sifting through for workies. I needed a bath and I needed it STAT! I came home, had an incredible bath, shaved my leggies and put on my favourite trousers and jumper before retiring to the sofa to await the arrival of Graham the tiny. He arrived and we sat, swapped discs and had a fag whilst we mulled-over the songs on the musical gifts we had just given one another. Post-fag we marched to a nearby park and played… the swings were TECHNICALLY designated for the bottoms of toddlers, but we happily perched atop the cages created to hold in even the writheiest of children and talked as we swung. We talked about what wild animals we would be, our first impressions of one another and jobs we used to have as I kicked my legs back and forth to create as much swinging action as possible. I paid little attention to most of the conversation as I enjoyed feeling the wind dance around my face and watched the ground change size below me depending on where I was on my pendulous route. I love swinging and in a small way, I love Graham for going with me because it’s been years since I’ve gone and he’s the first person who’s obliged me. More swinging to come.
losing weight… whilst I’m not doing it in the most healthy of ways, I am still doing it and I feel very excellent about it. I have now developed SUCH a massive stress-ball in my stomach that I can barely bring myself to eat more than about 800 calories a day. I become full very quickly and tend to not find myself very hungry for quite some time between eating. People are worried and… well… I’m not. I don’t feel unhealthy. I feel okay… just a little vomittous occasionally. I am sure it’ll pick up again once I’ve settled, but until then, I can now enjoy the fact that I’m officially below thirteen stone and can fit into my wedding dress again (for anyone keeping count, that means I’ve lost 49lbs, not a lot, but enough to make me a happy camper.)
paté
hugs… I seem to have become the biggest hug-slut in the history of the world at the moment. I am sure all my friends are bloody sick and tired of having me ask for hugs, but I don’t care. Last night, before bed, I asked Pow for a total of five hugs, every one after the first prompting a sassy response from him and a shrug from me. At the moment I want to grab everyone that I love most and cuddle them constantly… I can’t get enough of hugs. They have a natural power for making me feel calm and taking away all the ick that I have in my head, so I will continue using these as my free and easy form of Valium.
Graham hugs… VERY few and far-between, which is what I think makes them so special. I’ve have TWO hugs from him in the time that I’ve known him… the first being in the first couple of days and the second being last Wednesday at the end of the day. It was the tightest, most fabulous little bear hug ever and I want MORE!
things that remind me of people
when boys take their top shirts off and the bottom shirt pulls up too, showing off their tummies… gahhhhhh! Yummy!
the way Nick got jealous of Graham… perhaps last week? I posted an entry on IHTAT that said Graham was the funniest person I had ever met… a statement I said with little or no thought. He’s hysterical and although I’ve met a lot of funny people in my life, Graham usually takes the cake with his amazingly quick wit and seemingly endless knowledge of mostly everything. It seems I paid too little notice to this comment though as it was brought up on Saturday night after the pub had shut and Nick and I were sat alone in the beer garden. I was untangling the wire for my headphones when Nick told me that Graham is not actually the funniest person I’d ever met. I confirmed that he was and Nick and I carried on a conversation circling around reasons why Nick is funnier than Graham and why I am wrong. It was cute and made me want to snuggle him. I love Nick and secretly think he is ever-so-slightly funnier than Graham, but only slightly, and in a different way.
realizing that what I have with certain people is really special… oftentimes I find myself getting jealous when I see other people hanging out with Nick, Pow or Janey… the stupid part of my brain that is not very confident becomes wrapped-up in wondering why I’m not good enough and why they aren’t hanging around with ME… this turns into a horrible spiral that makes me begin hating myself for being jealous and hating the other individual for infiltrating my zone…. Then it clicks: what I have with certain people in my life is so, so special. There are things I will do and say with Pow, Janey and Nick that I’ll never do with anyone else and likewise, there are things they will do with me and say to me that they wouldn’t dream to do with or tell anyone else, so I know very much that the careful cultivation that I have done on the crops of my friendships has not been done in vain, as at the end of the day, they are still my most special creatures and a small part of them loves me an extra-special amount as well.
the smell of boiling pasta
nights in the pub when everyone else has left and it’s just Nick and me
karaoke
Rob Rouse
being in my office alone
Potterton
fresh green beans
bad (terrible)horror films
walking around with no real aim
planning visits with LaDonna… that’s what every phonecall with my sister features at the moment, planning. We discuss the dates I will be in Cheyenne and what I’d like to do, where I will stay (with her) and how nice it will be to see one another. It’s just going to be so nice to see my family again.
the fact that nobody else’s cakes will do
SIXTEEN DAYS!
Monday, 11 January 2010
pure petroleum tuesday...
ohhh... two for two on the tuesdays, hey? yeahhh! i plan to be MUCH better with my tuesdays this year.
this week has been... uhhh... i don't even know. it seems literally like yesterday i was sitting down doing my last list of things i heart. i hope the whole year doesn't fly by like this. i need the time!!
eh, list. enjoy!
Him: something lovely huh? you look amazing lately and I am so proud of you for this weight loss, I hope you keep up with it and start feeling healthier and happier as time goes on.
Him: like
Him: when you smile, I see more of it now
Him: your face glows
starbeast: more of what?
Him: more of your smile
starbeast: oh?
Him: your face glows and you seem so much happier
Him: and then you smile and your cheeks look so cute
Him: there's just more expression now
Him: that's all I'm saying
thank you week, you have been delightful.
this week has been... uhhh... i don't even know. it seems literally like yesterday i was sitting down doing my last list of things i heart. i hope the whole year doesn't fly by like this. i need the time!!
eh, list. enjoy!
- janey texts... they are my absolute favourite in the world. i can always be assured a fabulous text from her at least once a day and for that, i am delighted. she always sends me the funniest, most wonderful little ditties that either reek of smut or scream emo and love. my favourite from this week? it went as follows: 'Waiting for bus to work-van goes by with Dan's Luxury Travel on the side. It looks like a painted ambulance.Surely your customers would suffocate in that amount of luxury?x' she's my favourite. ever.
- serious muffin talks... whilst i love the fun, joking talks we have (which are fairly constant) it is always nice to have the serious talks too. lately they have revolved a lot about his sons and what he would like to see happen with them when he returns to america. it's been really nice. i like that he is opening up to me about things more often.
- movie dates with my pow pow... as usual!
- andrew jackson jihad
- popping my wrists
- viennese whirls
- OMG lee lee date today and tomorrow! oh yes, my favourite lee lee is back in derby and we will have having a serious playdate in a mere eleven hours and then, THEN tomorrow we will be going to a live filming of Most Haunted. it is thrilling and i cannae wait to snuggle his little face off!
- the smell of acrylic paint
- stretching my ears
- having a wee
- my mum's handwriting
- the amount the muffin loves me
- my cleavage
- cutting out patterns
- johnny scissors chats with pow pow
- my memory foam pillow (aka: 'fernando fernandez)
- studying for my life in the UK test
- kimya dawson
- anatomy
- my fake uggs
- the amount of weight i've lost... and the resulting amazing feelings.
- the answers the muffin gives me when i ask him to tell me something lovely.. please see below:
Him: something lovely huh? you look amazing lately and I am so proud of you for this weight loss, I hope you keep up with it and start feeling healthier and happier as time goes on.
Him: like
Him: when you smile, I see more of it now
Him: your face glows
starbeast: more of what?
Him: more of your smile
starbeast: oh?
Him: your face glows and you seem so much happier
Him: and then you smile and your cheeks look so cute
Him: there's just more expression now
Him: that's all I'm saying
thank you week, you have been delightful.
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