just a list, i'm distracted.

White Oleander... the simple beauty that this film is made of is one of the only reasons that i have been able to drag myself into watching it again today, for the first time in nearly ten years. it's a painful film for me. i read the book when i was sixteen and fell completely in love with it in between tears. i'm not completely sure where the tears came from, but a large part of them were born from my own rather painful upbringing... reminders of my mum and her erratic behaviours that thrust me into a position of adulthood long before it was called for. watching it again today, although i'm only eight minutes into it, is taking me back to my youth, days i had packed away long ago to make room in my life for more beautiful memories... sometimes, though, it's necessary to got through those boxes, just to remember where you came from.
swiftlets
animals on talent shows... there's very little i find more delightful than when i'm watching any of the gazillion talent shows on telly and having someone step in front of any assortment of judges with a dog or a cat or a monkey who has a special and adorable talent. i always, without fail, get giddy and squealy when a poodle pushes some billiard balls to a corner pocket or when a persian prances on it's hind legs to a jazzy showtune.
chocolate milk
sweet potato fries
fountains
nutrias... because who doesn't love giant rodents?!
armadillos
iguanas
NOT having hives... last week i nearly died. no word of a lie, i actually almost died. my head had started itching in the early afternoon last wednesday... by the time i had gone to bed my entire body was itchy. i didn't actually fall asleep until around three and then woke again within twenty minutes completely certain i was going to die. i decided there was no point in staying in bed and when i stepped into the light of the dining room i found the whole of my body covered in hives. every single inch of me had hives on it. when Muffin finally got up for work he found he sitting at the computer cranky, weepy and scratching. i lept into a hot bath filled with baking soda as he left for work only to return ten minutes later with some benadryl. once i emerged from the bath i laid on the sofa and pretty much died. i slept literally the rest of the day. since then, i am terrified of any tiny itch that i have, for fear that i might break out again. my very first experience of hived was far too dramatic for me to have to experience again.
lemongrass
sea lions
when an actor's character's name in a film is the same as theirs
how taut the skin is over a bruise
making Muffin smile on Father's Day
mcbreakfasts
ferris wheels
Thrashin'
digging in other people's coat pockets
rotary phones
the sound effects on Scrubs
Jack from Will and Grace
the sound of air raid sirens
the 1812 Overture 

a mostly foody tuesday

a quick list... i've got shit to do. brace yourselves for a blog tomorrow...

chest bumps
when someone in a show has something i have... ie. in Raising Hope, they have my wooden ducks!
Raising Hope
Cloris Leachman
Mary Tyler Moore
mariachi bands
mud
walnuts
red rover... the game, not that stupid character.
hearing Muffin sing along to KatyPerry... which he does. a lot.
slight-of-hand magic
acrobats
giants
peach pineapple salsa
double bubble
cinnamon discs
robins
watching Muffin skateboard
"old school" skateboarders... because they are so polite... they clap and congratulate the other skaters when they pull off a trick. it's really nice to see.
having a toilet roll holder now... because my boy takes care of ME and installed one in our bathroom this weekend!
DRESS
roast pork
ibuprofen
cow's heart
the way Muffin licked the envelopes for me... i wrote all the invites out, but he was just so kind as to lick all the envelopes for me so i didn't have to go through the mess of pulling a face and causing a mini-scene every time i had to.
gerbils
My Name is Earl
the way the back of Hallmark envelopes taste
GLEE
Bizarre Foods

to tuesday, with love...

busy, busy day... i need to get this churned out so i can get on with taking care of Muffin... i just LOVE having a sick boy in my life!

please, have my list and enjoy it.

fat biker dudes
Wilford Brimley
Matt Dillon
Cory McAbee... musician, actor and amazingly wonderful man.
when the name of a film is said DURING the film
friendly celebrities... nothing in the world makes me feel more delighted than when i meet someone i admire musically or from films and they are friendly. when we went to Olympia to see Cory McAbee last week i could only find myself stunned when he came up to us and hugged me when i introduced myself. we chatted with him for ages and he was honestly one of the kindest men i have ever met in my life. it was so nice to see that someone as big as him would be so approachable.
Stingray Sam... seriously, if you've not seen it, find it somehow and watch it!
watching people do the voices for cartoons
stereopticons
mosaics
our invites... oh but we received them and they are the best things in the world! our incredible friend Heather agreed to make our wedding invites for us for free and they are literally the best things in the world! we have begun sending them out and i am so beyond pleased.
russian nesting dolls
carpenter's pencils
the photos in true crime books
hot dogs
Muffin's wedding band... oh yes, we ordered it and i can't believe how thrilled i am when i think about him wearing a wedding band. i love the thought that he will finally have a wedding ring he's happy with and chose because it was something he wanted. i love that we will finally be getting married and that ring will be a symbol of that union. i love him and just can't wait to be married!
I WON A WEDDING DRESS! yep. i entered a contest to win a free Disney Princess wedding gown and i totally won it. i shall be picking it up next friday and i can imagine i'll no doubt be prancing around in it nearly constantly. 

eh, that's it... he's very sickly and i need to snuggle him and make sure he's feeling as tip-top as possible. my poor little man.

have a wonderful week, please.

tuesday blog

firstly, can i just say, i asked Muffin to name today's blog for me and THAT is all he came up with. i'm questioning marrying him. 

it's been a week and for that i apologize. i've been a busy bee around the house and have literally just not found the time to sit down and blog really. i'm here now, though, and i have a lovely compilation of the last two week's things i heart...

please have them...

the way Booger lays... he literally has so many limbs that he has to huddle up into a weird stick-like ball with his legs tangled around him and that sight never fails to delight the hell out of me.
Kevin Spacey
avacado
Penn and Teller
smoked sausage
Fran Drescher
filling out forms
Kirby hoovers... yeah, we got sucked in. a lot. some guy came to our house about ten days ago and let us know that they just opened a new shop nearby and that they were trying to drum up interest by doing free carpet cleanings. we let the wonderfully delightful aaron spend four hours showing us all the perks of a Kirby before we let him touch Muffin's guitars and leave. it was a wonderful evening and being able to see another Kirby demo was totally worth missing out on a moviedate with the Muff.
Peter on ecstacy
the paedophile on family guy... and his dog... easily, he is my favourite part of any episode of Family Guy. Muffin and i are now CONSTANTLY making Herbert noises at one another throughout the day. it's special.
the jitterbug
Sid Haig
blaxploitation... the genre and name
the way Booger stares at me... there is just something so special about the way he'll stop and stare at me. we'll be cuddling on the sofa or laying in bed and he will turn his head to me and watch me. i like it.
Carrot Top... i literally have no idea what it is about him, but i can't stop watching him. he's been in a lot of Criss Angel episodes lately and i can't help but keep my eyeballs glued to the screen just to catch glimpses of his shockingly altered face and burly muscles.
the smell of icy hot
vice grips
soldering irons
Tom Sellick
Harrison Ford
Family Guy... i always dismissed it, opted for American Dad or The Simpsons, until recently... i found myself home and not wanting to watch entire films before bed, so i decided to break into the like, eleven box sets of Family Guy that Muffin had stored in the shelves in the dining room. i literally now live for my hour before bed... i snuggle in with Muffin falling asleep and chortle myself into my own snoozy daze and i love that ritual.
roller coasters
the way surgeons hold their arms after washing them prior to surgery
the judge in The Simpsons
the thought of having thirty puppies
having Origami's stuff OUT OF THE HOUSE... yeah, the day has finally come! which is why i took so long to post this blog today... her stuff is officially out of the house and despite the new lack of a dresser, dining table and huge bedroom mirror, i couldn't be bloody happier. to finally have that disgusting grey cloud away from our heads feels so wonderful. plus, we have SOMUCH more room in our house for activities! the removal of her stuff today was interesting and she wasn't as unpleasant as i expected her to be. she apologized for having to inflict her stuff on to me, as she knew it was awkward (which is when i announced that i loved going through people's crap, so i wasn't bothered!) and then there was that really special, weird moment when she had packed her last load up that she kinda TRIED to go for a hug that wasn't reciprocated by Muffin... that was magical to watch. no matter what though, her stuff's gone and i'm delighted!
47 DAYS UNTIL WEDDING!
unlikely friendliness

and the end! i need a fag and a shower... in that order. 

divorce day 616

and this entry WILL contain spoilers! BEWARE!

and even after all this time, i find it hard occasionally. something with strike an emotional chord or, on the rare occasion, i wake up some mornings with little tiny daggers in my chest after a night filled with unwanted dreams.

the recent emotional blah came as a result of Desperate Housewives, the OTHER love of my life. 

the initial excitement started on a saturday. adverts prepared thrilled viewers for the two hour season finale... it promised a murder, a breakup and a tasty new dish (not like, a meal, but a hunk of man. a meal wouldn't have gone amiss though.). i spent each day riding up to the finale on pins and needles, roping Muffin into conversations he was absolutely not even a little bit interested in (ps. ANOTHER reason he's the love of my life? despite his complete lack of interest in DH, he will listen and feign flabbergasted interest with exaggerated responses and gasps.) circulating mostly around WHO could possibly break up in this, the final episode of the season. he listened to me explain the relationships between all the main couples, their highs and lows throughout the last seven episodes, rationalizing why they should all stay with their prospective other halves.

when sunday finally arrived and the familiar tune started Muffin was in his "beat lab" recording a song. i nestled into the sofa with some cookie dough (and can i just stop right here and now and scold myself publicly for not ever eating cookie dough as a snack before about two weeks ago? i kinda hate that i missed out on over twenty-six years of what can only be described as edible heaven.) and a hot cup of creamy tea and prepared myself for my last date with my four favourite televisual bffs for the next four months or so.

during the course of the episode i laughed when we were due to laugh, tensed where tension was expected and swooned at all the arranged times.

and then... then my heart broke, presumably just as the writers had anticipated certain viewer's previously-broken hearts would. every single agonizing moment of the finale's telling of Lynette and Tom's separation made my chest and head heavier and heavier. the show's composers seemed to have known very clearly what exactly it would take to completely dissect every tiny little emotion that i went through during the course of my own personal separation.

from the initial before-the-decision - when Lynette and Tom took part in activities with friends pretending nothing was happening. heavens knows we tried so terribly to make everything work OUTSIDE of the home... we went out for drinks at the pub, attended birthday parties and put on the faces of a couple who, whilst not completely rock-solid, were going to be okay. we hugged at all the times that social customs have said it would be appropriate and refrained from arguing as much as we could until the ever-so-special walks home started, when everything became arduous and generally too much to handle. every detail of their before was somehow paralleled to ours. the fact that they didn't talk about the giant elephant in the room, lest it became riled and ruined the very precariously-situated emotional china that barely covered the ruined remains of a house that had seen countless emotional catastrophes took me straight back to two years ago when our days had become painstakingly constructed around avoiding potential explosive topics.


to Tom's packed suitcase - left by the door JUST IN CASE. it was a horrible reminder of Christopher's long nights out with his trusty green satchel. that satchel always waiting by the door of his bedroom or the hallway, filled with all the things he needed to be away from the house and away from us. the green satchel was his safety, his place to store his books, bike things, snacks and aftershave. every single time i saw that satchel i ached, knowing that i wasn't strong enough to leave, to spend nights away from my bed and the safety of the memories we'd spent so long creating. i needed them near me so i could very slowly make them manageable enough to leave behind and move away from. i hated Tom in those moments because it reminded me of how much i hated Christopher for making it seem so effortless to forget that we had been together for so long and it was over. i could feel the same exact disbelief and betrayal Lynette felt those first moments when he said he wasn't going to unpack his suitcase because i had been there, i KNEW how deep those words cut and i still carry some of the more awful scars.


to the end - when Lynette spoke of her afternoon away from Tom when she thought he had left, only to find he had gone to the supermarket. the entire time she was speaking, with every single word, i knew what she was feeling and when she let out an exasperated sigh i recited the same word in my mind that she said aloud, and that was "RELIEF." the solace i felt even in the most painful moments JUST after we decided to stop were comparable to nothing. after all the months spent agonizing over such a painful relationship and situation, most of my most favourite time was just after we split up and i could go outside and experience my life with a completely new and clear head... no arguments, no insecurity, just me and the new world on our own together. those days were always the most special for me. they allowed me to learn a lot about my own personal strength and develop an entirely new sense of the world around me. i understand the relief and appreciate more than anything how much of it i was granted in those first several weeks.

and like that, i was left curled in a ball with my tear-soaked blanket and a spoon. it was only after the credits finished rolling that i realized how hard i'd been crying from the pain in my chest to the moisture in the blanket. the pain is sometimes still so great. i wonder about him and quietly hope that he's found everything he wanted. i still wonder so many things, but i worry there's just a lot of questions still that will have to be left unanswered.

either way, i'm glad for all my experiences... our experiences. they've helped me become who i am today and that person is someone more capable of self-love and tenderness than before. for that, i am mostly grateful.

but also for Desperate Housewives.

the possum

it was 04:48 and i was exhausted and reeling from a very special little morning argument when Muffin told me about him. seeing that we were in the middle of a tiff, i replied with sass, determined to show absolutely no interest in the half-dead possum that may or may not be laying a mere eighteen yards from me. SURELY the fact that i expressed no desire to look at/photograph/hold the dead thing that was laying just by our post boxes would show him that i was pissed off for realsies and it would prove i was more justified and steadfast in the argument and perhaps he would then apologize (yes, danie's before-five brain works in a really special way)

i laid in bed imagining the possum i had seen dead on the side of the road several months ago. it was a desperately cold morning and i was making a pilgrimage to the supermarket for foodstuffs for dinner. he was laying there, completely frozen, and i was compelled to sit with him for many reasons. i'd never seen a possum in real life, he was frozen (which meant he was PERFECT for taking home and taxidermying) and he looked like he was smiling. photos occurred and for the next six weeks i hated myself for not picking him up that first morning every single time we passed by him.

twenty agonizing minutes passed with me thinking about the first possum and i felt i had no choice but to leap up and attempt to catch a glimpse of him through my bedroom window. i could see nothing. i re-checked the text that confirmed the possum was indeed by our mailboxes. i glances out the window once more before advising Booger (my morningtime sleeping buddy) that i just had to go have a look... for research purposes (an excuse i use to explain away mostly everything).

i stepped out my front door and onto my porch, taking in the dawn's fresh, cold air and felt giddy almost exactly at the same moment i saw him laying there, curled into a tiny ball, directly in the middle of the driveway. 

i cautiously walked up to him, attempting desperately to scour my internal encyclopedia for whatever information i may have retained about possums. something told me that they're terribly aggressive and my caution instantly turned into terror as i slowed my advances toward him. i started explaining to him what i was doing, play-by-play, as if i could de-escalate any potential altercations with my words...

it was his eyes that distressed me. they looked so pained and sad. i was too scared to get too near to him, i watched from a short distance and took a photo. i watched to see how steady his breathing was, took one more photo and pranced back to the house. i sighed happily because of how warm it was in my living room after having been out in the brisk morning air. the guilt instantly consumed me and i grabbed a blanket and marched outside with itt.

as i walked up to him i rationalized with him again and he allowed me to pick him up with the big blanket without any hassle and i carried him to the porch, wrapped him up warm and went in to get him some water.

after i laid the bowl of water next to him i sat and talked with him. i felt very connected to him at that time, which might be why i felt it was so necessary to save him from the indignity of dying right there in the middle of the road where everybody could see. i felt like i had to make him feel like someone cared. i know animals don't rationalize things like that, but a small part of me likes the thought that the little guy would be grateful for being wrapped up and put in a sheltered area away from more harm. or maybe i did it because that's what i feel like i need right now...

i feel a little like i needed to do that for him because i understand... i felt like i knew his pain he was lonely, hurting and tired. i've been feeling a lot of similar things the last couple of weeks and i would relish a little TLC like that. someone to talk to me, hold me and make me feel safe and warm. so maybe i did it because i'm hoping karma will come back to me and offer me something in kind. maybe.

meh.

well, hrm... it's tuesday.

and therefore time for another list.

i've been in the middle of planning the wedding, attempting to control Muffin's eating habits (to be noted in a later blog) and tidying the house and have barely found much time to compile a very comprehensive list. i need to at least start some other blogs today, so i should just get this list done and buckle down to at least perhaps post one of my other blogs later on.

and here we go!

home videos from the 80's and 90's
pinatas
having my back popped... something i've loved since forever. prior to my move to england, whilst working the overnight shift at a petrol station, i had a customer that would come in every single night and pop my back. if he wasn't popping my back, my friend trevor was. i'd not had my back popped since before i went to england. Christopher was never very successful at it and i didn't trust anyone else enough to have a go. several nights ago though, i literally thought i was going to die. my womb felt like it was going to fall out, my joints all ached and i could NOT get comfortable for all the weird tension in my back. Muffin offered to pop my back and swooped me up into a huge embrace that popped my back in three places. he immediately recoiled, concerned he might have broken me as i fell on the bed in a fit of complete relief. and with that, his main job in this relationship was awarded him...
Accepted... a little-known funny film that is rather cliche with too much physical humour, but still full of fun quotes and jokes.
Justin Long
The Ringers... who i am madly in love with after watching Accepted. the lead singer is just a beautiful man with incredible facial hair and the band embody a beautiful little corner of rock'n'roll that makes me quite bouncy in my seat.
when Muffin puts on a british accent... typically, i'm not one to appreciate anyone deliberately mocking any accent. i find it to be offensive and stupid, but for some reason, when Muffin tries to pretend he's british and talks to me with his horribly articulated accent, i can't help but want to snuggleattack him.
Busta Rhymes
birds with worms... there's just a wonderful bit of satisfaction i can feel on behalf of the bird for it's achievement of stereotypical bird image.
Booger... for as retarded as he is, i adore his little cute doggy face and paws and every other little thing about him.
how often i catch myself staring at Muffin... i catch it all the time, no matter where we are. i find myself in my own tiny world staring at him and realizing his beauty over and over. i love watching his face and memorizing his expressions and eyes. it's probably one of my favourite hobbies.
people who take the initiative to come and introduce themselves in a crowd
roly polies
Richard Dreyfus
Elisabeth Shue
Christopher Lloyd
crucifix spiders
dandelions
vintage dress patterns... one of which we procured last week for me to make my wedding dress. it'll blow minds, i promise.
wedding helpers... because were it not for all of the beautiful people in my life, i would not be able to make my wedding what it will be. Heather is making our amazingly incredible invitations for us for free, Barbie is creating the perfect pair of plugs for me to walk down the aisle with, Jodee is doing photography for us for free (which delights me to no end, mostly because she offered to do them for free the day we met her because she loved our story so much AND wanted to make our day memorable) and our friend Boris will be performing the ceremony. it'll be the most magical day ever and i will have nobody to thank more than the special people that have helped out and been perfect angels through the planning process.
trying different hairstyles... they are happening and they are going okay. i'm attempting to find something that will spring itself as being perfect for the wedding. i think i MAY have found it, but i'm not completely sure just yet.
Piranha 3d
having my ring back
Papa Murphy's
pasta
ESTATE SALES... i was hungover, it was saturday and also, it was seven in the morning. i had been squealing about one particular estate sale for the previous two days... an estate sale full of EVERYTHING 1950's and clothes and furniture and OH MY GOD! but at seven on a hungover saturday? no. i rolled over and complained that i was going to die and that i didn't want to go. Muffin prodded me and twisted my arm until i rolled out of bed and into whatever pieces of clothes i could find around the room. i thought i was going to die when the sunlight beat down on me as i walked out the door. i also thought i was going to die as i got in the car and it was TOOHOT. THEN i thought i was going to die because the air coming in through the windows was too cold. i stopped wanting to die as soon as we pulled into an incredibly beautiful little suburban area that neither of us had ever been to. upon entering the sale it was very quickly realized that we have stepped into the future and were given the opportunity to see what OUR house would look like when we're ancient. it was filled with AMAZING amounts of baking stuff, vintage baking decorations, cameras galore, insect taxidermy and the most shocking masses of vintage medical equipment and books... OMG BOOKS! we ended up leaving with several vintage baking decorations, a dough sheet, a vaginal speculum (of which there were like, thirty, no lie), an incredible camera tripod, a vintage swimming cap and some really old, amazing books, all for less than twenty bucks! it was the perfect estate sale and now my house is very happy with it's new inhabitants.
italian sausage
vintage patches
my vintage letterman cardigan
garlic
the hat... because OH EM GEE i nearly died when my friend alex told me he was actually going to send it. when it arrived, i literally had a small heart attack. please see it: 

the end.