Dear Anonymous....

whilst i DO appreciate your avid interest in my blog, and i do enjoy your very crude and childish attempts to rile me, your efforts are in vain.

i have got many better things to do with my life than to wrap myself up in what some petty individual thinks of me. i am sure you have your reasons for having done what you have done and again, i appreciate the input, but please know that i am not going to allow you to publicly troll me on my blog. if you have things to say that you feel are relevant and hard-hitting, please, by all means, email me. i open my inbox to you.

although i do have what i believe to be a fairly good guess as to who you are, if you would prefer to remain nameless, please create a new email account and contact me from there. you could even invent a really fun, sassy name to email me with. think of something good... wow me with your wit and excellence.

my lack of willingness to allow my 'so-called friends' to see the 'truth' as you preach it has nothing to do with you, in fact, it has everything to do with the fact that your words are poison and whilst some of the comments had ELEMENTS of truth in them, they are unnecessary and hurtful...

there are a total of about four people that read this particular blog, all of which know me fairly well, meaning that their views of me will not be tainted by your slander. it is unimpressive, petty, childish and just plain mean.  that being said, i hope you enjoyed your time in the spotlight, as there was at least one person who read one of your comments and delighted in it.

i am sorry to have removed all of your hard work from my blog. i appreciate that it must have taken you quite a long time and effort, as it seems that you read through each of those blogs to find something specific to attempt to jibe me with. really, i do apologize for having simply erased your work... again though, please feel free to email me and we can have a fun chat on there.

my email address is as follows:

starbutcher@gmail.com

i am fairly friendly and would LOVE to chat with you, my dear mystery reader.

the ball is in your court now my darling. i shall await your move.

3: Love my life - for all my certainties

there are many things in my life that i am certain of... many, many things. i hadn't really realized it until i read this question and sat back to have a think... a lot of people say that there is nothing one can be certain for in life, but i know that there are MANY things i can count on.

a list of my certainties is as follows:

• the fact that, despite my concerns, my sisters will support any decision i make... i KNOW they will be worried about things. i KNOW they love me. i KNOW that any time they show worry or doubt, it is because they don't want to see me hurt. there is a lot of tension built up around the whole muffin thing... i have not told them about him yet because i want to make SURE before i start world war three. there will be mass devastation and i know this... i know this and am happy to accept the brunt of it because i know they will freak out because they love me. i am their little sister and they always warm to the decisions i make, when they see that i am a strong girl who can deal with it... it's nice to have that kind of love in my life.
• the solid friendships i have... i am very aware of the fact that there are some friends in my life, the BIG ONES that will be there for me through thick and bloody thin. people like janey, jaacq, pow pow, ashley and dane... they are the ones that are stuck with me forever. the ones that will always think about me and offer me their opinions and just love me. my friends are incredible ones who are the most supportive, strong, wonderful people and i would most certainly not feel strong enough to deal with all of the stuff i am doing at the moment were it not for them.
• the muffin's love for me... there is not one single, tiny, little doubt in my mind that the love that the muffin i call danish harbours for me is pure, fabulous and will last until the end of time. this revalation, whilst fairly old news, became all the more clear last night when i was talking to him about my concerns for when he's returned to america and i am still here. i asked him what should make me believe i could trust him, to which he replied that he has never, ever felt this way about anyone ever. he explained some very personal things that he has gone through in his head that i don't really wish to divulge here, but rest assured that they were sweet, heart felt and made this girl cry. the things he and i feel for one another are off the charts and it makes me happy and thankful every day to be able to say that i have officially found THE ONE... this is forever, kids, fasten your seatbelts because it will be intense.
• that every decision i have made in my life up until this very moment has made me the most perfect version of myself i can possibly be... i love who i am today. i love the things i have done to get where i am today. i am certain that there is not one single decision i have made in the past twenty-five years that has hindered me in any way. i am where i am and who i am, which is the best and most up-to-date version of danie on the market, because of the things i  have done, seen, smelled, tasted and heard. i am certain that there is no way that danie could be any more improved. i am certain that i am living my life to it's fullest potential as a result of all the decisions i have made and things i have done.

and it is those things i am certain of... i am sure there are more, but they are the huge ones. 

2: Love my life - for what i am yet to receive

love your life for what you are yet to receive

there are countless things i am yet to receive, things that i am really not even able to fathom. clearly, every day i receive new things... memories, people, items, cuddles, etc. each of these things are what keeps me going.

it is for these small, wonderful that i exist.

i am aware that over the next year, particularly, i will be in receipt of a great deal of fantastical things... the things that i can think i would be so lucky to get are as follows:

• new people and friends
• going-away gifts when i move
• my citizenship
• tickets to america
• a home to stay in with my sister upon my arrival back to america
• perhaps at LEAST seven more gifts from the muffin
• christmas cards
• SO many cuddles for SO many creatures
• letters from my grandma
• at least ten more paycheques from workies
• a multitude of memories
• tattoos from janeyface
• the opportunity to see the muffin for the (third) first time
• a painting that pow pow has done for me
• my Kenwood Kmixer
• the beginning of a new and outrageously beautiful chapter in the book of danie and dane
• my divorce

i think that's it for now... those are things i can think of that i KNOW will be coming into my life in the future that will make every single day worth plodding on for, because i know they will be coming.

it is difficult, because i know that every single day offers me something new, something that will inspire me to love my life even more than i did before. i just need to make sure i am humble enough to be able to notice them and not take them for granted.

1: Love my life - for everything i already have

so, as i have mentioned before, i found an amazing site that is really inspiring and has helped me put a few things in my life into perspective.

i found a particular list on that site that lists 77 reasons to love your life... and i plan to evaluate each of these reasons seperately so i can ensure i am loving my life to the fullest of it's capacity. a lot of these answers will most likely take the form of lists (OMGLISTS!) and photos, but i want to be as concise and forward as i possibly can be.

please enjoy!

love your life for everything you already have

i have so many amazing things in my life... so many that it would not be possible to even list everything, but i can attempt to ensure that the big things, they get a mention here. please see below:

• my friends... without them i have NO idea where i would be. they are just the most amazing, inspiring and loving people in the world and without them, all of this stuff that i am going through would have killed me. and not just like, EVERYONE, but i am talking the big ones... the ones that have made my life easier by cuddling me, talking to me and letting me cry. beasts like hannah, janey, the muffin, powers, lee lee, jaacq, ashley, theo, charlie, alex, eleanor, goncalves, tree, meek... these people, they make my world. they are the ones that make my world spin and without them, i would cease to exist.
• my job... i am so in love with my job. being relied on and generally feeling needed, it is so nice and makes it just THAT much easier to get up in the mornings. i know when i come into work people will appreciate the world i do and will thank me. it really does take the sting out of my day to know that i can say that i am honestly happy with my job, as it is one of the places that i spend most of the time through the week and... i just love it.
• my STUFF... i just have SO many things... if you have been to my house you have been lucky enough to have seen my walls which are stacked far too high with THINGS. nothing special, just things. no matter how much stuff i have though, i can promise you that for each item, i can name where i got it, who i was with and what went through my mind when i selected it. i love every single tiny knick-knack, book, mug and ball of wool i have. i love all of my things, each for their own wonderful memory and appearance.
• my health... whilst not AMAZING, i still have SOME semblance of health and i am happy about that. i am very aware of my own health problems and have a fairly good idea of when something is wrong with me. i'm not physically ill in any way and my mental health problems are... okay... at the moment. i am well and i love that.
• my creativity... i LOVE this about me. it is quite possibly one of my favourite things about me. i even shock myself sometimes with the things i am able to create. i totally free-style and rock people's socks when i come out with something. i love my abilities.

i think those are the big ones... i just love everything about my life. every little thing. it is wonderful and i cannot imagine it ever being better than it is today, bar, perhaps when i get to be with the muffin for forever, that'll be nice.

tuesday schmoozeday.

so, missed out on a week and, well... i am sorry (as if anyone actually reads this, bar princes stephanie and the muffin), i started back at work last monday and i have been existing from there to the muffin and back there again.

please find my list for the week below: 

• Love… especially mine. This fabulous feeling where you can be unashamedly yourself and not have to worry that your other half might wake up one morning and realise they don’t find you as sexy/smart/funny as they did when they went to bed. This love feels so… huge and pure and real. Even at a distance of three-thousand miles, I still feel the most ferocious of fires burning in my little heart for him. I feel so much like there is nothing I have to hide from him. I don’t have to pretend to be something I am not for fear that he may not want to spend the rest of his life with me. I feel like I am finally allowed to be danie again. Be me and be loved entirely for it, no questions asked. He loves me for everything about me and says he will for the rest of our lives. Why do I believe him? Because he never stopped. He’s held a torch for me since the day we met and it hasn’t faltered one iota, and I feel exactly the same way. He and I are in this for the rest of forever and I can’t help but be excited to see what it looks like.

• My friends… every day I fall deeper in love with all of my friends. They are just the most stupendous, wonderful creatures in the world, all for their own special reasons. I love that I have so many friends here that have supported me through this crappy divorce. I love that most of my creatures in America have been lovely and kept in touch despite me being really lame. I love that ALL my beasties are so wary of the muffin and want to grill him to ensure that he will be perfect for making danie happy. I adore that I have a special, wonderful bond that is tailored individually for each friend which makes what we share outrageously unique and beautiful.  

• Knowing people fear me… yeah, I know this SOUNDS terrible in theory, but me coming back to work has REALLY whipped a lot of people back into shape. Let me tell you one of the things I do… at my job, one of my titles is ‘Casenotes Investigations Lead’ and before I went off, that entailed me monitoring ALL movements of patient files on an online, in-house tracking system. This online system allows people to book files in and out when they have been received or sent. I monitor ALL movements, collate the data and target trouble areas for the purposes of increased training and to reduce the risk of incidents and near-misses (GOD, how fucking awesome does THAT sound?!). So, before I went off, I was in charge of ringing people if a set of patient files hadn’t been moved for seven days. While most people would be fairly relaxed about this, I wasn’t. I wanted people to get it right the first time and if they didn’t, I wanted to put the fear into them so they wouldn’t do it again. As you can imagine, with my time off, not a lot of chasing had been done. One lady has done SOME of it, but she really is fairly chill about it. So in walks danie again, ready to kick some butts. Since my return, I have been gifted a more exciting role that involves me doing a LOT of data collating and reporting and REALLY closely monitoring problem areas but also, when a certain area is giving the lady who is NOW doing the daily calls hassle, they set me on them. After about two weeks of chasing issues with one location, this lady came to me and asked me to sort it… I rang them and asked for the person responsible (grace) and they passed me on to her with a murmur, ‘it’s DANIE, gosh it’s danie!’ I politely asked her to sort it by lunchtime or I would forward a request for her to fill out an incident form for each of the un-booked-in files (of which there were twenty-eight). Within one hour all the issues had been sorted. It makes me pleased to know that I have instilled that kind of fear in people. I ring, they hear my name and immediately stand to attention and sort their crap out. It pleases me.

• Lovely people from IT… of all the people I have missed during my time off, in the top three is a gentleman that works in IT called David Wiggins. Because I am an efficiency and IT nazi, I log A LOT of calls. David has grown to know me as the sassy American who is VERY aware of what needs to be done to troubleshoot a problem. He is also familiar with the fact that danie does not need to be patronized. We always have some fun banter and enjoy a nice little chat when I ring. I made my first call to mr. wiggins today and he was more than delighted when he rang me back. He told me I was a troublemaker and said that he presumed the lack of calls from the for the last two months had been denoted to one of three things: 1) danie was very ill, 2) danie has been able to sort out any and all problems with her computer and network without the help of IT or 3) danie gets more annual leave time than anyone EVER. I confirmed my absence was clearly as a result of the latter and we mused about how nice it would be to have more than 31 days of holiday a year. He was delightful and I appreciate delightful people. Another honourable mention for excellent IT staff is Lydia, who is a super-sassy negro who has the biggest wedding ring I have ever seen in my life. We tend to sit around and eat a lot of wasabi peas and talk about America when she comes into the office.

• Being back at workies… I won’t lie, I was slightly apprehensive to return to work last Monday. Nonetheless, I returned and it was triumphant and has been made of win. Granted, it was slightly strange my first few days (as everyone acted as though I was just some fragile, incapable creature and were therefore too frightened to come to me with work to do) but it soon picked up and I am really, REALLY happy to be back. To have a routine again and feel needed and like I am contributing to something greater than my woollen creations and increasing my friend’s risks of diabetes with my baked goods. I feel like I have just slid right back to where I needed to be and feel really happy and confident.  

•  My typing abilities… 86 words per minutes with only a 92% error rate, GO ME!

• My new necklace… I knew the instant the muffin linked me to the site that I would NEED to own the fabulous piece of jewellery that was highlighted in the first entry. I saw it and KNEW my life would not be complete unless I had it in my life. I ordered the necklace and came home to find it happily awaiting my excited face on Friday. I squee’d and then pranced to my bedroom and tossed myself on my bed and kicked my legs around like an excited adolescent. It is everything I could have ever hoped for and gets the BEST reactions in the world. People either ADORE it or think it is for sure the most disgusting thing they have ever seen. Me, I feel it is the best purchase I have ever made in my life.

• Confidence… since speaking to the muffin, my confidence has increased by leaps and bounds. Every day I feel just slightly more comfortable in my own skin and am expressing that in all the right ways. Since I’ve been in England I have had an anchor around my neck in the shape of insecurity and I am very slowly and cautiously shifting that anchor off myself. I gained a lot of weight in the last five years and granted, my recent loss of nearly 3 stone was not achieved in the healthiest of ways, I have STILL lost it and I feel incredible for it. I feel so much happier to prance down the street when a dress I bought ages ago fits in the morning. It makes all the difference.  
• meeting new people
• blowing my nose
• buying new underwear
• hot water bottles
• teeth
• the fact that i was designated the official orchestrator for 'project secret santa' in my office!
• barbies
• dr pepper
• cups of tea with three sugars and LOTS of milk in
• racist texts from janey
• really FUCKING hot baths
• architecture in helsinki
• rainbowfish
• painting my nails
• augusten burroughs
• my sequinned leggings
• my enchiladas
• home-made spanish rice
• scented markers
• the precious bear mug i got from my janeyface for my birthday
• lying with my body pressed against the radiator on a particularly frigid day
• interesting facts
• being one step closer
• when my horoscope is apt
• OMGASHLEYISENGAGED!!!
• making to-do lists and then crossing things off of it
• the fact that i am now the muffin's friend on facebook (i know it sounds sad, but i LOVE being friends with people on facebook and it was always QUITE a sore subject when it was brought up)
• and the following photos... enjoy!

an ode to valium...

So, the divorce paperwork has been received and signed. Literally, just this instant the weight of it all hit me.


I have been bobbing along through the last eleven weeks with little or no emotion after the initial shock. I had hardened myself and not really seen it as something that was real or tangible.

Now though, with the receipt of the respondent agreement, it finally FEELS real, real and quite disgusting. Like I have swallowed some sort of REALLY sour boiled sweet and I have the horrible, tart residue biting from my tongue to my stomach. All down my oesophagus. I just feel ill. Ill and moody and just not very pleased.


Obviously, nobody wants to have to go through a divorce. When I got married I hadn’t anticipated its untimely demise.

See, it’s difficult for me right now… I was speaking to the estranged the other day and I was telling him that I cannot remember why I married him, and I honestly can’t. I have been trying so hard to remember, reading old blogs and letters, looking at old photos. I just can’t remember what part of me thought it was going to be a good idea to marry someone I hardly knew that didn’t make me feel like I was the most important person in the world.


Things with the estranged and I were always overwrought. There was always an air of… what’s the right adjective to use in this situation? Perhaps, ‘reservation.’ Yes, I will stick with that one. I always had a thought in the back of my mind, even as early as when I gave my ash-beast that final hug at the greyhound station (thanks for that, by the way… I love you), wondering what I was getting myself into. I was always slightly hesitant… and I should have seen the signs.

I know I loved him, but I wonder if I was more in love with the IDEA of him… some sassy british emo boy who would whisk me away to the magical land of accents I’d always dreamed of.

I still do love him. I love him in a way that you love someone who you were close to for a very long time but have now become very distant. I love him fairly secretly and from far away. I find it easier to not have to actually face the emotions I still have for him because they make me feel all gross and lost.


I hate seeing his face because it reminds me that I fucked up and wasn’t strong enough to make this work… it is the face of the one thing that I couldn’t make right by crocheting, baking or cuddles. The face that used to look at me with such amazing love… such adoration. His face now only offers scowls and snarky smirks and I hate that. I hate to know that something that used to be so beautiful could have turned into something so ugly, just with the flick of an emotional light switch.

I hate hearing his voice because it is the one I spent so many hours listening to as I ramped up my foster parent’s phone bill. I hate it because that voice used to say such sweet things to me and make me feel so… in love. That voice has turned into something that I only associate with nagging, hateful remarks and snide comments.

I just want him gone now. I want him gone so I don’t have to face him whenever he is in the house. It is just awful and painful and not good for either of us. Our promises of getting through this as friends just seem further and further away with each passing day. I can’t stand being around him, so how should I be expected to play nicey when he is in one of his rare ‘I won’t be satan to danie’ days?

Urgh!

Then there’s the muffin. I just… it feels like every single day I love him just slightly more. I don’t know if it is possible or how much more my heart will be able to hold, but goddamn it feels good. I just feel this massive, swelling, glowing thing inside of my chest and it makes everything in the world seem perfect… like I have found that missing piece, that thing that I have been missing for the last six years, the one, special, blue-coloured cog that makes this machine emit nothing but sparkles and glee.


He makes every tiny little thing that I deal with on a day-to-day basis just so much easier, simply by being him and having that wonderful voice and those big blue eyes.


Amidst this forest of love though, there has to be the reality… the branch-covered ground. And there are a LOT of branches on the ground. Some of them are pretty and made of some special bubble-gum-scented wonderful and some seem to have been created in the mind of geiger.

I have to make sure that I don’t let this love balloon fill up TOO much because if it pops (which is clearly, always a possibility) I really don’t want to have to fall too hard.


He and I have been progressively having more serious talks. Primarily, this is due to the fact that I have been speaking to a lot of people about him and me and what our history looks like (I am aware that I haven’t really touched on this a great deal in my blogs, I promise you I will soon. It is an epic love story that deserves to be told, and perhaps made into a film by Hollywood. The film would star Janine Garofalo as danie, Jemaine Clement as the muffin and Johnny Depp as pow pow). I really haven’t gone into all the details with ANYONE… the most I tend to tell people is that the muffin has been married twice, he has three kids (and has been fixed so’s he cannae have anymore tiny muffins) and he has broken my heart countless times.

Clearly, just from that little snippit, there is reason for concern, but honestly, none of that really means anything to me… none of it has even offered me so much as an afterthought to the glory that our day-to-day wonderful is made of.


At least not until lately. See, because he is aware of the things he has done, he tends to be VERY cautious when speaking to me, skirting around any potential emotional mines that might be planted around topics such as his current wife, the kids or him breaking my heart. I try to make him understand that I am not an emotionally fraught girl who can’t distinct between the past and the future, that I am instead someone who is both forgiving AND in love with him and nothing will make me not want to be with him.


Even the big one… the clincher….

See, since November 2005 danie has been broody… and not just normal broody, but like, weepy-when-she-sees-a-really-cute-pram, broody. Danie has desperately craved to have a big, fat pregnant belly and then have a tiny creature made in her likeness (Hamish, for a boy and Lily for a girl). Danie has longed to make all the other kids in all the local schools jealous because she is the coolest, most wonderful baker in the land. Danie wants to be a mum. GOD danie wants to be a mum.

As a result of the muffin’s excellent judgement, he has three kids, three outrageously beautiful children who he loves dearly. Because of this, he has gotten himself fixed so as to stop any future spawning from occurring.

He dotes on his daughter, molly, the most as she is the one he is closest to and he cannot WAIT for me to meet her.

I try… GOD I try to make him understand that it will most likely be one of the hardest things ever to meet her for the first time. To know that I will never, ever have one of those that is just mine… it makes the pit of my stomach get all tense and my eyes immediately moist. I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult it will be for me to meet her. Like, just seeing photos of him with her, whilst they are glorious and she is just the cutest, most wonderful little girl ever, she’s just HIS and I will NEVER have one, ever.


I will never, ever be able to break the news to him in a supercute way that we will be having our own babycake.


I will never have him hold my hand during ultrasounds.

I will never, ever be able to have him play guitar and sing to my belly.

I’ll never be able to get all weepy when I’m in my last month, feeling super-fat and horrible, just to have him hold me and tell me how beautiful I am.

I’ll never have a tiny danie/danish of my own.

It’s just… when I think of it. The empty I feel in the pit of my stomach is indescribable. Knowing that there is this massive realm of life that I will be missing out on, it just totally baffles me. I don’t think it will really, actually hit though until I meet molly for the first time. Until I see that he has another, actual, tangible girl in his life that is tiny, looks exactly like him and is not even a little bit mine.

Of course, I will prance with her and help her bake and generally be the best step-mum I can be, but initially, it will be heartbreak, absolute heartbreak.

Clearly, with this heartbreak comes the muffin, ever-attempting to save me from myself. He says that if it is going to make me ache that much, I shouldn’t settle for him but… I know though, that not being with him would break me more than not having a tiny muffin to love. I know that the amount of wonderful things he and I are going to create are going to be so massive and will hopefully pale the fact that we will never have a tiny of our own in comparison.


I love him so much and I can’t help but feel really, REALLY deep down that it is going to be okay. That despite the fact that we will never have a tiny muffin, we will have masses of other things that will hopefully fill that void. I have no doubt in my mind that this is going to be okay and that I will never, ever live to regret this decision. 

Interview with myself...

i stumbled across a fabulous website the other day that is full of really inspirational lists and cannot help but think that given where i am today, i should assess my life and perhaps evaluate why i am as happy as i am... please see below:

1. What Do You Do For A Living?
my official job title is 'Casenotes Investigation Lead and Team Administrator.' that essentially breaks down like this... i work in the records department at the local psychiatric hospital (mental asylum) and am paid to read records most of the day. when i am not investigation people's mental health problems, i can be found writing policies and procedures, performing stock-checks of our CPA (Care Plan Approach) documents, filling out countless incident forms and investigating the loss of files.

outside of work i prance. i prance and i create. i live to create and make people smile.

2. Who Do You Love?
i think this might be the hardest question ever... i love SO many people. so many people for so many reasons. i could never, ever find the time or amount of pages to list everyone, but i shall try. please see a collection of people that i love named below:

alastair powers, jane hallam, danish muffin, john goncalves, vic potterton, antoinette burchill, eleanor field, lee howes, jaacq hugo, stephanie smith, ashley arneson, karl beattie, paul marshall, james pritchard, bean, luke winn, jen galvan, sarah mabry, jessi whitley, theo mcnaboe, claire gorman, mark urban, jerry hope, george harris, hannah zair, dave lewis, lester norton, tracey bee, mark dixon, ladonna schrock, heyward schrock, carmen garrett, paige garrett, even foster, gloria oldfield, vada bartel, clinton bartel, arlene stevens, sharon stevenson, george stevens, kyle stevens, christy stevens, melissa brobby, thuy, nick parker, tony barnes, shelby coulter, challis orme, maral deghati, louis verlaque, jeremy wert, eric beeman, michael bachelder, john butcher, dawn tonks, kevin shay, chris poch, kasey orr, charlie romijn, chris tree, tracey meek, julie west, kelly holmes, claire stewart, james wagner, alex bowen, yvonne platts, angela bell goode, thomas thompson, paul waggener, JR garrett, deej dharwal,

3. Do You Have Enough Money?
well, i make enough to get by happily. with the amount of money that i make, i can easily pay my bills and have enough left over to live a life that is comfortable and slightly extravagant. i guess i WILL need more in the coming months in order for me to be able to buy my citizenship and get myself back to america, but at the moment, i am content.

4. Are You Healthy?
i think i could be healthier, but i am fairly content with my levels of health. my mental health is pretty tip-top and i eat okay and i exercise a good amount. i guess i could exercise more, if i REALLY wanted to be like, super-healthy, but i am really quite content with my health levels at the moment.

5. Do You Think You Are a Good Person?
i honestly do. i spent an extended period in a treatment facility and whilst there, i learned a massive amount about patience, empathy and love. i am someone who really KNOWS that neither i nor anyone else can ALWAYS be perfect and happy and is okay with that. i accept people for who they are and love them no matter what.  i am overall a very forgiving and helpful person who gives as good as she receives. i am inherently happy and exist in my life from one delightful person/thing/feeling to the next and i circulate love and glee wherever i can and really try to help people who i feel need it. in a nutshell, yes, i think i am fairly fabulous.

6. How Old Are You?
officially, i am twenty-five years, nineteen days and about seven hours old.

mentally, i feel so much older. i feel that because of my upbringing, i was forced to grow up much quicker than most people; that, alongside all of the other things i have done in my life, would perhaps force someone to perceive me as maybe... uhhh... thirty? i get 'thirty' a lot. i have experienced a lot of things in my life, and while i am by no means claiming i have had it tougher, i know that that has helped me develop perhaps more than most people my age. i am happy with this and will continue to live and learn and age mentally and physically.

7. Who’s Your Best Friend?
i have a shocking amount of best friends... i will have to give each of them a mention because it wouldn't be fair for me not to. i need to make sure they all knew how much they mean to me...

the muffin... he is just numero uno... numero uno because he has my heart and cares for it so gently. i met him when i was fifteen outside of the mcdonald's on east lincolnway and fell in love with him instantly. since then he has always been a constant, praying thought on my mind. he is such a gentle, wonderful, supportive creature who i can't help but love no matter what he does. he and i are the same person and i love that i have been allowed by the universe to find him. many people aren't given that opportunity, and i was.

 powers... i know i go on about him a lot, but, like the muffin, he is someone that i love no matter what he does. i met him on november 19th 2004 and immediately knew that he would be someone who would be massive in my life. i knew from the first syllable out of his mouth that he was someone i would be able to trust and love limitless amounts and he has not disappointed. our friendship has been the one constant since the day after i moved to england. he has always been there for me and is someone i know i will have countless more moviedates and adventures with. i love him big time, nay, massive time.

janey... there are just not enough words in the english or thai language to be able to explain how much i heart this female. my friendship with her is like no other. i remember the first time i met her in person... she was just... she is just so beautiful. i feel so fortunate that i have found her. that i have been given the chance to meet her and participate in so many amazing adventures with her. she has been a fucking rock for me through a lot of stuff and is someone that i will be devastated to leave when i do finally move. i think the fucking world of her. she has been one of the main factors that has made me who i am today and for that i am eternally fucking greatful. (apparantly, she also makes me curse a lot?)

ashley... my ashley. where does one begin? i met her in speech class a year before i properly met her. we spoke in passing for about three weeks before i was taken out of public school. the next year i would see her again and learn what a special creature she is. i still have the very first note she wrote to me from our very first away speech meet where we INSISTED that we be allowed to 'sleep together.' we were a force to be reckoned with and were almost completely inseparable for the rest of that school year and the following summer. i am sure we gave mr. starks at LEAST five strokes and offended more than twenty-dozen people. from our late-night village inn dates (with ranch dressing ON THE SIDE!!) to our countless thrift adventures (where we were justifiably dubbed the most energetic shoppers ever), she has remained the best friend THIS beast has ever had. for all the wicked things she has seen me do and all the wonderful things she has helped me become, i am greatful. i cannot wait to prance back to cheyenne and burst an english-shaped hole back into the lives of all the people at the arc, village inn, plato's closet, salvation army and sanford's with my favourite beast by my side. i have learned in a very round-about way what a special creature she is and i will never, ever let her out of my life again. i want to make up for all this lost time and WILL. thank you ashley. thank you so much.

hannah... what a beautiful, wonderfully gentle creature. she is everything i wish i could be with my mental health problems. she always seems so together and strong, even when things are the hardest. she has been a force that could ground me when i felt like everything was spiraling out of control. i love this girl more than most people for what she has been through and what she has helped me through. GOD it is going to be hard to leave her.

paige... she is me, but fifteen years younger. this girl knows everything about me and loves me unconditionally. she is beautiful, fucking smart and so special to me. i love her so much and wish that i hadn't been such a crappy aunt during my time out here... she deserves better and i will make sure that before i move out to washington she is shown that as often as possible.

8. What’s Your Childhood Dream?
like most children, i had many dreams. i remember a few... the big ones. things like... i always wanted to move to england and i always wanted to befriend a tattooist so i could get lots of free or cheap tattoos. those dreams have absolutely become a reality for me. of all the things that i could have wished for as a child, i could have never imagined that they would have turned out the way they have. no child could imagine a future as full of wonder, friends, cupcakes and tattoos as i have made.

9. How Often Do You Laugh?
literally, i laugh constantly, particularly lately. like, if i had to allocate an amount of time i spend during a day laughing, i would say like, five to seven hours a day? i love to laugh. it makes me feel amazing and releases such happy endorphins.

10. What Makes You Smile?
mmm... most things make me smile. i shall name as many as i can think of right this instant...

this question, the muffin, pow pow, puppies, letters from people, excellent music, good memories, photos of my mum, thinking about my future, dane cook, the muffin's voice, larry david, chevy, getting cards from people, reading my lists, finding a penny that's head's up, taxidermy, moustaches, lush products, novelty mugs, seeing a rabbit yawn, zombie films, tatty nick nacks, spreadsheets, stationary, katie price, really fast internet connections, really camp men, boys in glasses, eye contact, letters from paige, imagining all the things i'd do if i won the lottery, going on a spending spree on payday, documentaries, being a loose cannon, when i've successfully stretched a piercing, good penmanship, feeling like i've made a good decision, corey mcabee, giant beards, thinking about what i'd do or say if i ever got the chance to meet the queen of england, pens that are loose on the inside so they make noise when you write with them, road trips, remembering something from my childhood because of a smell, memory foam pillows, the smell of new carpet, saving snails from impending doom, watching people eat my baked goods, video games with no life-count, photos of people smoking, good noses, watching films from my childhood, all my THINGS, holding chevy like a baby, normanton arboretum, hulk hogan, cleaning my ears with a cotton bud after a bath, the sound of fake sugar dissolving in a cup of tea, microfibre cloth, writing lists, books with bookmarks built in, when a cinema or movie date with pow pow actually happens, wasabi, when i get a new list, the japan centre, dim sum with janey, all my memories of the disabled dogs i had growing up, good grammar, enunciation, carbon paper, the fact that 'lips' and 'kiss' are interchangeable on predictive text, witnessing amazing things, staying in a hotel, leggings, when i finish a crochet project, slight imperfections in teeth, ali's face when he sings, good sound control at a gig, 'we heart katamari,' when erasable pens actually erase, films being played in rewind, REALLY tall escalators, bacon flavour fries, having a name badge, having a wee whilst i am drunk, cuddling someone whilst i am drunk, imagining how sassy i'd be if i was black, strobe lights, the 'spit' that lavender plants generate as they are starting to bud, extra-thick milk shakes, walking in the sun on a cold day, walking in the shade on a hot day, when i can hear the singer draw breaths on a recording, my cleavage, the pollen that builds up on a bee's legs, brick walls that have warped over time, watching people look in a mirror when they don't know anyone else is watching, going shopping for a specific item and actually coming home with it, grape chapstick, creamy cocktails, the sound wood pigeons make when they fly, magpies, watching the bubbles go in a fizzy drink, songs with great lyrics, stepping on berries and crab apples on the pavement, getting blood drawn, the way a wasp's legs dangle when they fly, having my face touched, hannah zair cuddles, scribbling over things, collages, muscle cars, learning what things interest other people, desperate housewives, feeling warm copier paper cool in my hands, when people call me 'dan dan,' when i get my makeup JUST RIGHT, ticking things off of a to-do list, REALLY glittery eyeshadow, when i meet someone who loves henry rollins as much as i do, sassy lesbians, the smell of american money, listening to people breathe, watching stand-up comedy with someone and seeing what they laugh at, banjos, watching people's lips move when they play guitar, the fact that the muffin has found his way back to me, making fun of man-face, when the muffin's little icon pops up when he comes online, chinese buns, the amount of win my 25th birthday was made of, alastair's handwriting, when people state actual facts in songs and scented tissues.

11. Who’s Your Most Dangerous Enemy?
well, i don't know if he can be defined so much as an 'enemy' but more as someone who i don't get on with anymore... the estranged. i also don't know if he can be defined as 'dangerous,' but he is absolutely the person that knows a lot of little things about me and has the potential to use it against me in a way that would be less flattering than i would hope.

12. Where Do You Live?

i live at number 7 palmerston street and am very pleased about that fact. my house is perfect and seems to have been made for me to live in it... from it's built-in bookshelves to the hearts on the bannisters, i love this house and all the little things that make it special. i feel very much like this house, this city, this country... they are my home. they are that one thing that people are so often searching for. this place that i live, it is where i always dreamed of living and it is beautiful and special to me for a million different reasons. i have no doubt in my mind that once i have moved back to america i will absolutely come back just so i can walk down normanton high street again or so i can get a chicken breast sandwich from the guildhall. i love derby and every single little thing about it.

13. Do You Think You’re Strong?
i think, absolutely! i feel like in my life i have taken a great deal of things in stride and been willing to accept them and learn from them with little or no resistance. this divorce has been a pivitol event for me as it has really shown me what i am capable of taking on whilst still coming out even better at the other end.

14. What Was The Most Important Thing You’ve Done So Far?
well, i feel there have been two things in my life that have been monumental for the shaping of me.

first was my decision to move to england. had i not done that, i have no idea where i would be or what kind of a person i would be. i cannot imagine what my life would be like if i didn't have all my most special creatures by my side or if i didn't know who the magnetic fields were. my life as i know it today is primarily the way it is due to the fact that i got on that plane that november morning in 2004.

the second has yet to be defined completely, but i FEEL like it is going to be massive... this divorce and all the decisions i have made since are going to make my life... amazing. i think the divorce was the best thing i could have done for myself and this, re-lighting this old flame with the muffin is just... there are no words for how amazing it will be. i will most assuredly keep you updated on how all of this goes, but i have no doubt in my mind that this MIGHT supercede my decision to move to england.

15. What Was The Most Stupid Thing You’ve Done So Far?
there are a few things i've done that weren't EXCELLENT, but i wouldn't say anything i've done was 'stupid,' per say. like, i think staying with chris after the incident last year was not my best decision, but if i hadn't stayed with him, i wouldn't have gone to slovakia or met certain people or learned about certain bands, so i don't wish i HADN'T done it. i don't really know that i can define anything i have ever done as 'stupid' purely because without those things and decisions, i wouldn't be where i am today.

16. Do You Love Yourself?

i honestly, and truthfully do. i adore most everything that makes danie, danie. i love my hair, my attitude, my sense of humour, my creative abilities, my clothes, my rack, my face, my love for all things all the time, my everything. i really do love myself very much.

17. What Do You Fear The Most?
umm... all of my fears are very, uhhh, silly. i have very few really serious fears. i guess if i had to name one, i am terrified that the muffin will make another bad decision and fuck all of this up. i am so, absolutely horrified at the thought that all of this energy that i have put into this will have been in vain if he just decides to do one silly thing. i want this SO bad and it will completely break me if it falls apart.

18. What Is Your Favorite Word?
ohhh... i love lots of words, words i use on a daily basis... they can be seen below:

jerk. flaps, chuff, mince, prance, beast, blatantly, clearly, unbelievable, outrageous and adore.

19. When Was The Last Time You Cried?
two days ago. chris wound me up to no end and i just had to excuse myself to the lounge to have a bit of a frustrated sob. it wasn't a sad cry... just the cry of an incredibly annoyed girl. after that short sob i couldn't seem to stop... i spoke to the muffin and we talked about love and i wept, he sent me a video of himself, i wept... i was a trainwreck.

20. What Is The Best Thing That Could Happen To You Right Now?
if my grandma lent me the money i have asked her for i would be like, miles ahead of where i am right now. i sent her a letter last week asking her for a rather handsome sum of money. were she to lend me this money i would be able to buy my citizenship, put the deposit on shipping my stuff back to america and pay for the muffin to have an even MORE glorious time when he comes to visit in march. that money would help me in leaps and bounds.

21. What Is The Worst Thing That Could Happen To You Right Now?
perhaps something involving the muffin making a terrible decision. it would devastate me emotionally... devastate me, but i guess i would survive. i have survived so many other times. ummm... perhaps if the landlord were to say he wants me out of the house in january. that would be pretty horrible. i don't know what i would do with myself.

22. Picture Yourself 5 Years From Now...
mmm... december 3rd 2014. at the moment i am seeing danie and the muffin having just decorated for christmas in their house. perhaps participatwing in a lot of shopping dates and snuggling in really warm under a fabulous 'mink' blanket on the sofa for moviedates that feature foot rubs, raspberry mint hot chocolate and tickles. i am seeing danie doing a lot of pre-christmas baking and perhaps creating a lot of toys and things for molly, her ashley and her british beasts. i can see us living in washington in a precious little house with our still young-acting sausage dog prancing around our feet in the kitchen as we cook meals together and sleeping under the table as we sort out the bills and christmas cards. i am seeing wonderful new beginnings and the most beautiful future anyone could ever dream of.

23. Do You Regret Anything?
honestly, i do not regret one single thing that has ever happened in my life. i am so, outrageously content with every aspect of my day-to-day at the moment and i hate to think what missing out on any one little aspect of my past might have changed it. i love my life and i love even the tiniest little strokes that has made this painting as beautiful as it is today.

24. What’s The First Thing You Do In The Morning?
the instant my alarm goes off i grab my mobile (where my alarm lives) and contemplate for the next five seconds whether or not i should press 'snooze.' after i've decided not to sleep later i bumble my way to my computer and turn it on... i put on chapstick, wash my face and check my emails... it is all really, very exciting.

25. What Are You Thinking Just Before Going To Bed?
lately i tend to just lie there and make myself giddy thinking a combination of thoughts about the muffin... about what it will be like to see him again and how i would be laying if he was there with me. i am sad and in love, don't judge me.

26. What Was The Highest Point You’ve Ever Been To?
hrmmm... perhaps it was when i climbed to the top of vedauwoo with the estranged. it was an amazing feeling to be able to look down and see all the fog settling over the park.

27. If There’s One Thing In Your Life You Want To Change Right Now, What Is It?
the muffin's relative distance from me. instant gratification ahoy!

28. What Are You Proud Of?
myself and the person i am today. i feel like today, at this very moment i am JUST where i should be with my life. not behind, not ahead, just exactly where i need to be. i am so proud of myself for having been brave enough to take the chances i have and for having befriended the people i have and just generally for being myself.

29. Sum Up Your Life In One Sentence
my life has been outrageously fulfilling and worth every moment.


30. Name The Thing That Annoys You The Most
when people take fucking ages to answer me. i HATE it when i ask someone something and they spend ages NOT answering me straight away. i like it when people use gut responses and when they take like, five minutes to pick what film they want to watch or what time they want to go to dinner it drives me bloody mental!

31. What Is Your No 1 Question To God?
i would ask him if he would write me a list.

32. Do You Have Secrets?
not overall, no. i never, ever go out of my way to hide things from people, someone just ends up getting hurt and that is never fun. i guess the only thing in my life that i am keeping only slightly turned down is stuff surrounding the muffin. and that is purely because HIS estranged is a little crazy and MAY destroy a lot of his things if she knew he and i were talking again. but even with that, i'm not being THAT secret. i guess it is more HIS secret than mine. so no, i have no secrets.

33. What Makes You Laugh?
the muffin ALWAYS has the ability to make me laugh. literally, no matter what kind of funk i am in, he makes my face hurt from all the smiles.

34. Are You Happy?
so, SO happy. like, words cannot even describe how happy i am. i just feel like at any moment i could cry because i am just THAT full of emotion and love and glee. i haven't been this happy in years. years and years and i am so pleased that it has finally come back to me.