today, i couldn't even muster the energy to wish Muffin a happy Father's Day like i did last year. i woke up and tried to just shut it off in my brain. i just don't have the strength today. after Mother's day, a day that i tried to make as special as possible for as many of the mother-figures in my life, with absolutely no recognition at all, i just couldn't. i ended up far too raw after sending cards and emails and texts and love to everyone in my life who plays some sort of a mothering role in their daily lives.
do you know what hurts more than anything? it's halfway through the day and there's been only one call from one of his sons and not one card has arrived... it just pretty much seems like Molly's mum doesn't give a shit about Muffin being the father of her child. i bet, without even a tiny shadow of a doubt, that Molly's STEP-father got a fucking card and wonderful hug and kiss from her, but not a single peep to the father that helped MAKE her (the fact that STEP-dad gets love kicks me in the guts even more because i didn't hear one goddamned peep from her, or any of the kids, on Mother's day. i'm not saying i deserve it, but if, in Molly's house, the STEP-parent gets precedence, why did i not hear a single thing?!)
what makes it worse? i emailed Molly's mum weeks ago to remind her to please send something to Muffin because he's been really down and it would be nice... nothing. how can someone actually be so heartless? like, are people literally incapable of stopping and thinking to themselves how they'd feel if the tables were turned? it just baffles me.
this post is coming after much aggravation, childlike behaviour and a complete lack of respect from Molly's mother. i am now completely finished grovelling at the feet of someone who demands such a high quality of respect but refuses to offer it to anybody else. i am finished with cowering under the shadow of threats and fear-based actions. i am finished worrying about the feelings of someone who cares nil about anybody but herself.
do you know what i don't understand?
how someone, a parent, can feel it is acceptable to try to stop a step-parent (or ANYONE) from being in their child's life. how can someone actually feel like they need to "protect" their child from being offered MORE love? what must be going on in someone's head to feel like it's alright to actually deprive their child from receiving more love? i thought part of the point of being a parent was to make sure that your child was surrounded by as much love as possible as often as possible?
all of my original fears about my relationship with Molly are coming to life very quickly at the result of her mother. her mother does nothing but make me trying to take part in her life more difficult. her being constantly flippant, regularly telling me i'm simply not allowed to speak to her anymore because of some silly thing i've done to upset her (you wanna know the most recent reason i'm not allowed to try to be a part of my step-daughter's life? i wanted to know what Girl Scout Troop she was in. yeah, can you believe what a monster i am?!) she literally contacted Muffin and told him that if i don't stop texting her, she will change her number and Muffin will only be able to talk to Molly via email. are you LITERALLY kidding me?!
Muffin doesn't help either. rarely talks about me with Molly, and i imagine her mum never says anything nice about me to her.the overall result of all of this is just frustration for me. frustration in the fact that i can't be a part of her life. her mother's refusal to involve him more than the bare minimum. and frustration with the fact that Muffin won't try harder. i just don't know what to do. i don't know what i can do.
i didn't agree to come into this relationship with the intent to ignore blatant disrespect of me, Muffin and Molly. that's all i see, pretty much constantly. selfishness on her behalf and everyone else being very openly disrespected for whatever reason she has decided is appropriate.
sigh. i guess, happy Father's Day to anybody who might have a kid. please, embrace your child and don't take advantage of it. you have a child in your life that you're actually allowed to love and nobody should ever be allowed to try and rob you or the child of that.
Sunday, 17 June 2012
Tuesday, 22 May 2012
Tiwesdaeg + updates
urgh! it's been too long! i'm so terribly sorry.
things in my life have been busy/happy/stressful/sad and that's kinda just left me completely devoid of energy, desire or time to post. in a nutshell, i shall offer you a list of the recent comings and goings in my life...
job... i got a job. i started working in March and i totally was in love with every single second of it. i use the past-tense because i have since lost the job. i worked there and worked hard. put every tiny bit of me into it because i ADORE working with customers and i can't get enough of working the graveyard shift. it was perfect until literally four days ago when they called me into the office, and after weeks of managers not-so-subtly dropping hints about the lack of funds and hours, they let me go, saying that they simply couldn't keep me anymore. devastated, i came home and have since just felt completely lost and have totally enveloped myself into SUPER training our new puppy.
puppy... who we have officially named Sebastian Stinkfinger (known from here-on-out as Sebass), was picked up last Thursday after a two-hour drive to Arlington (which was amazing, by the way! a little beautiful Northern Washington town just covered in huge farms, trees and lakes). we've now had him for three full days and we love his little face. i especially love that he's around pretty much all the time for me to snuggle during my days without a job now. he's been so much fun in our house and we couldn't be happier.
Muffin and me... we've been having a few problems recently, over the last several months. he's been making a lot of silly, selfish mistakes. we've been ironing a lot of wrinkles that seem to be really making a huge difference now. things have felt so much better over the last couple of weeks, and despite the fact that i hate how much we've had to endure to get to this point, i love that we seem to have finally hit the home stretch.
creating... which i've been doing a lot. i've been crocheting, knitting, scrapbooking, painting, embroidering, drawing and writing. it's been really nice for me to have a series of outlets.
which my Tuesday list is... an outlet, so have it!
elephant shrews
when dogs are missing their teeth... BECAUSE THEIR TONGUES STICK OUT AND IT'S ADORABLE!
damsel flies
cats with big noses
sunny but windy days
finally sorting the house out
hologram nail varnish
my hairs... which i've been braiding and pomping and pig-tailing and generally making wonderful.
cola from Taco Bell... it is ALWAYS, without fail, the best cola in the world!
our mailman... he's sassy, black and really funny. i love him.
Lush
Life documentaries
delusional cigarette purchasers... the ones who are blatantly over twenty or thirty and still feel like they NEED to show their ID because they are SURE that they look underage. their delusion makes me chuckle.
Etheopean Wolves
Jason Segal
21 Jump Street... literally, the funniest film i have seen in a VERY long time.
Instagram is FINALLY on Android... for MONTHS i've hated every single person that had an iPhone who could post those adorable, beautiful and fun photos on Instagram. FINALLY though, Android has it and it is everything that i hoped it would be!
Fried Egg Jellyfish
documentaries
onion straws
Me, Myself and Irene soundtrack
Diane Keaton
Hooters wings... particularly the garlic parmesan ones.
JANEYVISIT... yes, the day has finally come that my favourite Janey will be coming to visit the Muffin household!! the excitement is beyond explanation and the list of activities we will be doing whilst she is here will be the longest list in the land. BWEEEEE!!! I CAN'T WAIT!
anniversary planning... which is shaping up very nicely. we shall be going back to the place of our honeymoon. same city, same hotel, new memories. we've booked the hotel and gotten a fucking SWEET upgrade. Sebass will be attending with us and we can't wait to see the ocean again.
old photos of tattoo'd women
preparing for Puppy
Muffin changed the background of his mobile... he always acted so blase about the puppy, so when i came home one evening to him standing at the front door with his mobile in his hands and a big smile on his face, i didn't expect to see the fluffy little face of our soon-to-be little man as his wallpaper. it made me realize he was just trying to act big and tough, but he was excited, which got me MORE excited!
Sebass going into his kennel on his own... anybody who's ever had to kennel train a dog of any age, they KNOW how exciting it is to have their little guy or gal prance into their kennel all by themselves and sit down contentedly. Sebass did just that yesterday and i was SO excited! it's not an easy road, but we're getting there.
Muffin's inquiring... he's particularly delightful, conversation-wise, at night, just before bed. the night we got Sebass, in his sleepy lull, Muffin turned to me and asked if i thought a dog's vagina was like a woman's when it came to having a baby. he then led the conversation to Sebass's mum and what i thought her dog-vagina looked like and if i thought it would go back. yeah. i'm a lucky lady.
things in my life have been busy/happy/stressful/sad and that's kinda just left me completely devoid of energy, desire or time to post. in a nutshell, i shall offer you a list of the recent comings and goings in my life...
job... i got a job. i started working in March and i totally was in love with every single second of it. i use the past-tense because i have since lost the job. i worked there and worked hard. put every tiny bit of me into it because i ADORE working with customers and i can't get enough of working the graveyard shift. it was perfect until literally four days ago when they called me into the office, and after weeks of managers not-so-subtly dropping hints about the lack of funds and hours, they let me go, saying that they simply couldn't keep me anymore. devastated, i came home and have since just felt completely lost and have totally enveloped myself into SUPER training our new puppy.
puppy... who we have officially named Sebastian Stinkfinger (known from here-on-out as Sebass), was picked up last Thursday after a two-hour drive to Arlington (which was amazing, by the way! a little beautiful Northern Washington town just covered in huge farms, trees and lakes). we've now had him for three full days and we love his little face. i especially love that he's around pretty much all the time for me to snuggle during my days without a job now. he's been so much fun in our house and we couldn't be happier.
Muffin and me... we've been having a few problems recently, over the last several months. he's been making a lot of silly, selfish mistakes. we've been ironing a lot of wrinkles that seem to be really making a huge difference now. things have felt so much better over the last couple of weeks, and despite the fact that i hate how much we've had to endure to get to this point, i love that we seem to have finally hit the home stretch.
creating... which i've been doing a lot. i've been crocheting, knitting, scrapbooking, painting, embroidering, drawing and writing. it's been really nice for me to have a series of outlets.
which my Tuesday list is... an outlet, so have it!
elephant shrews
when dogs are missing their teeth... BECAUSE THEIR TONGUES STICK OUT AND IT'S ADORABLE!
damsel flies
cats with big noses
sunny but windy days
finally sorting the house out
hologram nail varnish
my hairs... which i've been braiding and pomping and pig-tailing and generally making wonderful.
cola from Taco Bell... it is ALWAYS, without fail, the best cola in the world!
our mailman... he's sassy, black and really funny. i love him.
Lush
Life documentaries
delusional cigarette purchasers... the ones who are blatantly over twenty or thirty and still feel like they NEED to show their ID because they are SURE that they look underage. their delusion makes me chuckle.
Etheopean Wolves
Jason Segal
21 Jump Street... literally, the funniest film i have seen in a VERY long time.
Instagram is FINALLY on Android... for MONTHS i've hated every single person that had an iPhone who could post those adorable, beautiful and fun photos on Instagram. FINALLY though, Android has it and it is everything that i hoped it would be!
Fried Egg Jellyfish
documentaries
onion straws
Me, Myself and Irene soundtrack
Diane Keaton
Hooters wings... particularly the garlic parmesan ones.
JANEYVISIT... yes, the day has finally come that my favourite Janey will be coming to visit the Muffin household!! the excitement is beyond explanation and the list of activities we will be doing whilst she is here will be the longest list in the land. BWEEEEE!!! I CAN'T WAIT!
anniversary planning... which is shaping up very nicely. we shall be going back to the place of our honeymoon. same city, same hotel, new memories. we've booked the hotel and gotten a fucking SWEET upgrade. Sebass will be attending with us and we can't wait to see the ocean again.
old photos of tattoo'd women
preparing for Puppy
Muffin changed the background of his mobile... he always acted so blase about the puppy, so when i came home one evening to him standing at the front door with his mobile in his hands and a big smile on his face, i didn't expect to see the fluffy little face of our soon-to-be little man as his wallpaper. it made me realize he was just trying to act big and tough, but he was excited, which got me MORE excited!
Sebass going into his kennel on his own... anybody who's ever had to kennel train a dog of any age, they KNOW how exciting it is to have their little guy or gal prance into their kennel all by themselves and sit down contentedly. Sebass did just that yesterday and i was SO excited! it's not an easy road, but we're getting there.
Muffin's inquiring... he's particularly delightful, conversation-wise, at night, just before bed. the night we got Sebass, in his sleepy lull, Muffin turned to me and asked if i thought a dog's vagina was like a woman's when it came to having a baby. he then led the conversation to Sebass's mum and what i thought her dog-vagina looked like and if i thought it would go back. yeah. i'm a lucky lady.
Tuesday, 17 April 2012
Tiistai
tuesday, eh? it literally feels like every single one of my days has completely blended together. i tarted a new job and work really odd hours and alongside trying to juggle my home life, relationship and work with a new sleeping schedule that doesn't leave me feeling like a goddamned zombie during the very few hours i'm not at work or sleeping. it's been difficult, which is why i've not been in contact at all with anybody, really. i feel terrible about having completely fallen off the grid. i mean, i am seriously never on Facebook and haven't properly checked my emails in weeks.
this job is much more demanding than any i've had before and it's really taking a lot of getting used to.
anyways, it's been a long few weeks and this is a long-assed list, so i'll get it done so's i can get some sleepies in before my graveyard tonight. here, have it.
Hoarders... again, i've become obsessed with Hoarders. Netflix added a new season and i seem to have not been able to stop watching it since i found out. i love the show, but also hate it. i feel the need to watch it, but it upsets me because of the house i grew up in.so many of the episodes remind me of my mum and our house and i KNOW what it's like for those people. it's embarrassing, smelly and devastating.
"bless this mess"... there's little i love more than when there's a sign in a hoarder's house that says something about the mess and how they'll clean it later or they like it. it always makes me giggle.
Sizzler
beetroot
Lactulose... because i LOVE poopin'!
my doctor... my healthcare ran out last month and during my final visit with my doctor there was a short, emotional goodbye. he's such a wonderful doctor and i really believed him when he told me that he hopes things go okay for me.
old station wagons
New York accents
Muffin protecting me at gigs... he's such a huge, wonderful bear and i LOVE having him around at gigs because i like to stand at the front and he'll position himself behind me and literally destroy anybody who might display any threat of crushing me. he just makes me feel so safe and pleased.
when the members of bands you love turn out to be nice... too many times i have fallen in love with a band only to find that they are complete douchebags. it is because of this that i find it so wildly refreshing to walk up to someone who creates music that has changed my life and have them react kindly and like a friend.
Sean Bonnette... as per the above, i can officially say that the lead singer of Andrew Jackson Jihad is just one of the nicest people i have ever met. as soon as Muffin and i arrived at the venue and i saw Sean soundchecking i immediately got all squirmy and pleased. once they were finished i stood to go for a fag and saw Sean. i anxiously walked over to him and gushed about how amazing i thought he was and how i had missed them play in Derby just after i left England. he was so inviting and really friendly and remained such the entire night, even after i harassed him like six times for autographs and to tell him facts. he even ended up dedicating a song to me during their set. meeting Sean totally made me love Andrew Jackson Jihad even more than i already did. he's an amazing guy.
the dog... we're still watching the puppy of one of Muffin's friends and i just love him so much! he so smart and funny and has really given me something tangible and small to love and care for. i'll miss him when we send him off.
JOB! so i now officially have another job! i work at Walgreen's and have done now for just over five weeks. it's fabulous and really nice to have something to do, have money coming in and meet new people.
broccoli
Spring Forward... despite the fact that i hate losing an hour, i ADORE later sunsets and never have anything to complain about when the spring forces us to push our clocks forward.
cats with folded ears
when our upstairs neighbours SHUT UP
cider
pens
the conversation i had with Muffin last night... Muffin and i were laying in bed when he turned to me and literally said "Would you rather be invisible or fly. But get this, if you're invisible, everything you eat isn't and so your poop wouldn't be." my husband is a delight.
Friday nights... these are my favourite nights at work because on Friday nights, on the overnight, the trash guys come and clean up the entire parking lot, empty bins and dust out fag trays. that literally means that about a quarter of my work is completely done for me.
loud, trumpet-like farts
James Cameron... who, after an interview on The Colbert Report, delighted me by being incredibly funny, friendly and not at all what i expected.
Hank... the street cat who is running for senate.
rat hands
skunks
when an animal collapses from a tranquilizer... i'm not saying i like it when animals are shot by them, but when a horse or a deer are needed for medical treatment or movement is shot and, after the long wait, they collapse to the ground like a sack of flour being dropped, i really think it's funny.
lemurs
porcupines
Stockard Channing
SOMEBODY GUESSED MY SCISSORS RIGHT... one of my biggest annoyances comes from people seeing the tattoo of scissors on my chest and asking if i am a hairdresser. i get that question about four times a day and finally, after nearly two years, have had ONE person guess that i am a crafter. YAY!
Celebrity Apprentice
Fifty First Dates
Janey parcel
Trixie at Denny's... the best negro waitress in the world who calls me "babygirl" and "mama."
graveyard shift... it's the best shift ever. i had completely forgotten how much i adore the overnight, busy-with-actual-work shift. i get to spend a lot of time actually doing heavy-duty work that helps pass the time much faster than the busywork that is constantly interrupted by the heavy flow of customers. granted, i'm in the middle of a seven day streak of overnights in a row right now, but i am still happy.
dog on his pain meds... he was SO loopy and it was so funny.
payday
being able to pay bills by myself
milk
Audubon paintings
right, i have to get myself together for work. i shall do another more informative blog on my next day off, i promise.
have a fabulous day!
<3
this job is much more demanding than any i've had before and it's really taking a lot of getting used to.
anyways, it's been a long few weeks and this is a long-assed list, so i'll get it done so's i can get some sleepies in before my graveyard tonight. here, have it.
Hoarders... again, i've become obsessed with Hoarders. Netflix added a new season and i seem to have not been able to stop watching it since i found out. i love the show, but also hate it. i feel the need to watch it, but it upsets me because of the house i grew up in.so many of the episodes remind me of my mum and our house and i KNOW what it's like for those people. it's embarrassing, smelly and devastating.
"bless this mess"... there's little i love more than when there's a sign in a hoarder's house that says something about the mess and how they'll clean it later or they like it. it always makes me giggle.
Sizzler
beetroot
Lactulose... because i LOVE poopin'!
my doctor... my healthcare ran out last month and during my final visit with my doctor there was a short, emotional goodbye. he's such a wonderful doctor and i really believed him when he told me that he hopes things go okay for me.
old station wagons
New York accents
Muffin protecting me at gigs... he's such a huge, wonderful bear and i LOVE having him around at gigs because i like to stand at the front and he'll position himself behind me and literally destroy anybody who might display any threat of crushing me. he just makes me feel so safe and pleased.
when the members of bands you love turn out to be nice... too many times i have fallen in love with a band only to find that they are complete douchebags. it is because of this that i find it so wildly refreshing to walk up to someone who creates music that has changed my life and have them react kindly and like a friend.
Sean Bonnette... as per the above, i can officially say that the lead singer of Andrew Jackson Jihad is just one of the nicest people i have ever met. as soon as Muffin and i arrived at the venue and i saw Sean soundchecking i immediately got all squirmy and pleased. once they were finished i stood to go for a fag and saw Sean. i anxiously walked over to him and gushed about how amazing i thought he was and how i had missed them play in Derby just after i left England. he was so inviting and really friendly and remained such the entire night, even after i harassed him like six times for autographs and to tell him facts. he even ended up dedicating a song to me during their set. meeting Sean totally made me love Andrew Jackson Jihad even more than i already did. he's an amazing guy.
the dog... we're still watching the puppy of one of Muffin's friends and i just love him so much! he so smart and funny and has really given me something tangible and small to love and care for. i'll miss him when we send him off.
JOB! so i now officially have another job! i work at Walgreen's and have done now for just over five weeks. it's fabulous and really nice to have something to do, have money coming in and meet new people.
broccoli
Spring Forward... despite the fact that i hate losing an hour, i ADORE later sunsets and never have anything to complain about when the spring forces us to push our clocks forward.
cats with folded ears
when our upstairs neighbours SHUT UP
cider
pens
the conversation i had with Muffin last night... Muffin and i were laying in bed when he turned to me and literally said "Would you rather be invisible or fly. But get this, if you're invisible, everything you eat isn't and so your poop wouldn't be." my husband is a delight.
Friday nights... these are my favourite nights at work because on Friday nights, on the overnight, the trash guys come and clean up the entire parking lot, empty bins and dust out fag trays. that literally means that about a quarter of my work is completely done for me.
loud, trumpet-like farts
James Cameron... who, after an interview on The Colbert Report, delighted me by being incredibly funny, friendly and not at all what i expected.
Hank... the street cat who is running for senate.
rat hands
skunks
when an animal collapses from a tranquilizer... i'm not saying i like it when animals are shot by them, but when a horse or a deer are needed for medical treatment or movement is shot and, after the long wait, they collapse to the ground like a sack of flour being dropped, i really think it's funny.
lemurs
porcupines
Stockard Channing
SOMEBODY GUESSED MY SCISSORS RIGHT... one of my biggest annoyances comes from people seeing the tattoo of scissors on my chest and asking if i am a hairdresser. i get that question about four times a day and finally, after nearly two years, have had ONE person guess that i am a crafter. YAY!
Celebrity Apprentice
Fifty First Dates
Janey parcel
Trixie at Denny's... the best negro waitress in the world who calls me "babygirl" and "mama."
graveyard shift... it's the best shift ever. i had completely forgotten how much i adore the overnight, busy-with-actual-work shift. i get to spend a lot of time actually doing heavy-duty work that helps pass the time much faster than the busywork that is constantly interrupted by the heavy flow of customers. granted, i'm in the middle of a seven day streak of overnights in a row right now, but i am still happy.
dog on his pain meds... he was SO loopy and it was so funny.
payday
being able to pay bills by myself
milk
Audubon paintings
right, i have to get myself together for work. i shall do another more informative blog on my next day off, i promise.
have a fabulous day!
<3
Saturday, 10 March 2012
adventures on ritalin
a couple of weeks ago i was sitting in the passenger's seat in our car (aka: "world's loudest car") playing on my mobile phone whilst Muffin dodged traffic with an ultimate destination of my doctor's office.
i'd been meaning to ring and book an appointment for nearly two months, but i had been coping with a very special bout of depression. since i lost my job i had been struggling to find the energy to do anything but move from the bed to the sofa and back to the bed again at the end of the day.
people who've not experienced an extreme depression could never understand how difficult it is to deal with even daily tasks such as signing onto Facebook or tidying up the tremendous amount of boxes that have been taking over our house since the delivery of all my stuff from England.
my depression was spiraling out of control and my entire life has been forced onto the back burner whilst i figure out what the hell i've got going on in my head. i had been to the doctor many times to try to figure out some sort of medication system to manage my lack of sleep, incessant need to eat and ultimate decline of my well-being with little or no result. every single aspect of my life felt like it was falling apart and i needed it fixing.
the most recent visit was set up after my realization that our healthcare will be running out on March 12th. my internal alarm set in and i called and booked in and now we're back to the first paragraph... i was in the car, playing Robot Unicorn Attack when we pulled up to the office.
we checked in, the nurse came out to get me and we sat in the office discussing my smoking habits, physical health and general mental state. i indicated my lack of interest, attention and sleep on a scale of one to ten to the nurse whilst Muffin sat across from me looking like he was trying not to be alarmed. i had become so depressed that i had completely closed down and stopped talking to friends, family and my own husband. he had no idea how bad things in my head had actually gotten.
after i received a terribly high score on my depression scale the nurse went and got my doctor (who is one of my favourite people in the world. he's like an american version of Harry Hill and i adore him). he came in, asked how the old anti-depressant i was on was going and went on to explain how difficult it is for a doctor, particularly when they have only a certain amount of time with a patient. he told me that he sometimes feels like he's failed a patient when he's unable to fix what they need fixing in the time he has with them.
after i reassured him that he had helped and reminded him of the fact that i only had three weeks left of healthcare he started the long process of thinking out loud. we discussed the medications i've tried that haven't worked and he finally settled on an option that he explained was slightly uncommon, but has been known to work.
Ritalin.
he explained that the prescribing of Ritalin, particularly to an adult, is slightly unorthodox, but helps to accelerate the effects of the anti-depressant i take at night. he instructed me that i am only to take it during the day, as it is basically speed for adults, and that if i find myself suffering from any unwelcome side-effects, i should stop taking it immediately and call in for another appointment.
so here i am, two weeks into my new life on Ritalin and i have to say that i am much more stable than i have felt in a long time. the first day i took it i was pumped. i literally couldn't sit down. not like you'd imagine it would feel to be on speed, but just... i wanted to be up doing stuff. i wanted to be tidying and baking and re-organizing stuff. so i did.
since then, i really am grounded now. i am able to concentrate so much better than i can remember being able to in a while and have EVEN learned to knit (which, if you know me, is a huge feat, given that i have been trying to teach myself to knit for no less than seven years with no luck. i would try for half an hour, lose a lot of stitches, not be able to decipher what i had done and throw the needles into the drawer until i accidentally uncovered another knitting pattern that i NEEDED to try.)
also, i've unpacked all of my boxes from England, organized every one of my books (after having to literally get five more huge bookshelves to house them, which i ALSO put together), started re-vamping my crafting area according to craft (knit, crochet, drawing (which is FURTHER broken down by paint, marker, fine pen, broad pen and pencil), scrapbooking and dead animal crafting) and gone through all of my clothes to finally get rid of stuff i really don't NEED anymore (which, again, is a big feat for me if you know me, because i am a goddamned hoarder and hate getting rid of anything, ever).
things are okay right now and my biggest daily battle is just learning to deal with the little emotional curveballs my head likes to throw at me.
so, there you go. that's where i've been, what's been going on and why i've been so wildly elusive recently. i am making efforts to change that and have about five blogs i'm in the process of writing, so keep your eyeballs peeled and be well!
i'd been meaning to ring and book an appointment for nearly two months, but i had been coping with a very special bout of depression. since i lost my job i had been struggling to find the energy to do anything but move from the bed to the sofa and back to the bed again at the end of the day.
people who've not experienced an extreme depression could never understand how difficult it is to deal with even daily tasks such as signing onto Facebook or tidying up the tremendous amount of boxes that have been taking over our house since the delivery of all my stuff from England.
my depression was spiraling out of control and my entire life has been forced onto the back burner whilst i figure out what the hell i've got going on in my head. i had been to the doctor many times to try to figure out some sort of medication system to manage my lack of sleep, incessant need to eat and ultimate decline of my well-being with little or no result. every single aspect of my life felt like it was falling apart and i needed it fixing.
the most recent visit was set up after my realization that our healthcare will be running out on March 12th. my internal alarm set in and i called and booked in and now we're back to the first paragraph... i was in the car, playing Robot Unicorn Attack when we pulled up to the office.
we checked in, the nurse came out to get me and we sat in the office discussing my smoking habits, physical health and general mental state. i indicated my lack of interest, attention and sleep on a scale of one to ten to the nurse whilst Muffin sat across from me looking like he was trying not to be alarmed. i had become so depressed that i had completely closed down and stopped talking to friends, family and my own husband. he had no idea how bad things in my head had actually gotten.
after i received a terribly high score on my depression scale the nurse went and got my doctor (who is one of my favourite people in the world. he's like an american version of Harry Hill and i adore him). he came in, asked how the old anti-depressant i was on was going and went on to explain how difficult it is for a doctor, particularly when they have only a certain amount of time with a patient. he told me that he sometimes feels like he's failed a patient when he's unable to fix what they need fixing in the time he has with them.
after i reassured him that he had helped and reminded him of the fact that i only had three weeks left of healthcare he started the long process of thinking out loud. we discussed the medications i've tried that haven't worked and he finally settled on an option that he explained was slightly uncommon, but has been known to work.
Ritalin.
he explained that the prescribing of Ritalin, particularly to an adult, is slightly unorthodox, but helps to accelerate the effects of the anti-depressant i take at night. he instructed me that i am only to take it during the day, as it is basically speed for adults, and that if i find myself suffering from any unwelcome side-effects, i should stop taking it immediately and call in for another appointment.
so here i am, two weeks into my new life on Ritalin and i have to say that i am much more stable than i have felt in a long time. the first day i took it i was pumped. i literally couldn't sit down. not like you'd imagine it would feel to be on speed, but just... i wanted to be up doing stuff. i wanted to be tidying and baking and re-organizing stuff. so i did.
since then, i really am grounded now. i am able to concentrate so much better than i can remember being able to in a while and have EVEN learned to knit (which, if you know me, is a huge feat, given that i have been trying to teach myself to knit for no less than seven years with no luck. i would try for half an hour, lose a lot of stitches, not be able to decipher what i had done and throw the needles into the drawer until i accidentally uncovered another knitting pattern that i NEEDED to try.)
also, i've unpacked all of my boxes from England, organized every one of my books (after having to literally get five more huge bookshelves to house them, which i ALSO put together), started re-vamping my crafting area according to craft (knit, crochet, drawing (which is FURTHER broken down by paint, marker, fine pen, broad pen and pencil), scrapbooking and dead animal crafting) and gone through all of my clothes to finally get rid of stuff i really don't NEED anymore (which, again, is a big feat for me if you know me, because i am a goddamned hoarder and hate getting rid of anything, ever).
things are okay right now and my biggest daily battle is just learning to deal with the little emotional curveballs my head likes to throw at me.
so, there you go. that's where i've been, what's been going on and why i've been so wildly elusive recently. i am making efforts to change that and have about five blogs i'm in the process of writing, so keep your eyeballs peeled and be well!
Tuesday, 6 March 2012
יום שלישי
well, it's Tuesday and seeing as both Muffin AND Sarah felt it was necessary to tell me that my last Tuesday blog was lacking in heart, i am dedicating this one especially to them, so please, enjoy my list and also enjoy the blogs i will be posting either later today or tomorrow.
have a wonderful Tuesday!
when a bathroom is called a WC... i don't know why, but it just makes me so happy and i love it ever so very much.
dogs with floppy ears... after many, MANY hours at the dog park now, i can officially say that i have seen every type of dog ear ever and i simply cannot get enough of big, floppy dog ears. every time we are at the dog park i am just wild with glee over every dog there, but mostly the floppy ones.
my rack
bling plugs... for years i've been trying to find plugs that are shiny and inappropriately full of bling and you wouldn't expect it to be as hard as it has been. the problem is, my ears are at 38mm and there is virtually nobody out there who makes bling in that size. only recently did i stumble across Alternative Dollie Art on Etsy where i saw she makes custom bling. i immediately ordered a pair and have pretty much not stopped wearing them since their arrival. they are such a beautiful addition to my ears and i can't thank her enough for making them for me.
the fact that Sarah showed me her vagina... yeah. it was after her surgery and we went to see her at the hospital. of course, i HAD to see her surgery wounds and after ushering Muffin out of the room, Sarah pulled up her gown and showed me the five cuts on her belly alongside her heiney and vagina. it was special because there's been a constant joke between us that i am not actually her best friend in the world, but only in Washington... so after her surgery, when she literally bore all for me, she told me none of her other friends have seen her vagina and that, my friends, means i AM her bff!
when clouds move really fast
Belle and Sebastian
the hare's face... a little over a week or so ago i got a parcel from my favourite girl in England addressed to "Danie Sharts." after the initial laughter and wondering what the apartment office thought of the name, i carried the parcel home and upon opening it, had to place it aside for a moment. the stench that escaped from the parcel was ridiculous. i soon gained the composure to slip the handwritten letter out and read she had virtually sent me a "parcel'o'death" that included some fishies that she had dried for me and a hare's face that she bought for me a while ago that finally made it to America. it is literally the face of a wild rabbit that has been cut from it's skull. i love it so, very much and have since hung the face, still in it's special plastic bag, on the wall above my desk, so i have constant view of it. i have no idea what i will end up doing with it, but it will be spectacular.
having Sarah to talk to... she is such an incredible friend and i love that i have her around to get feedback from and generally laugh with. i adore her and how, despite all the years we've known each other we've still found one another and are still friends.
when several drivers work together to stop douchebags from being bigger douches
when Muffin puts the subtitles on for me... i don't know why it is, but when i watch a film or telly i really enjoy having the subtitles on, i always have. i like them because people inevitably like to talk during telly time and that way i don't miss anything. i also like them because they let you hear, or at least read, every single tiny thing that the person who made the subtitles wanted you too... so if someone mumbles something in the background that has something to do with the plot, you don't miss it just because you talked through it or weren't paying attention. i love that! also, sometimes, subtitles allow you to feel like you're participating in karaoke because occasionally the lyrics to songs will play alongside them and you can sing right along!
the chip in Jim Carrey's tooth
Adam Carolla
improv
finally getting that piece of crap from between my teeth... recently i have been madly in love with ice cream that has pecans in it and as a result, i get tons of bullshitty little pieces of pecan skin stuck in between my teeth that literally makes me want to die. for several hours after eating that fabulously sweet ice cream i am stuck in a perpetual routine of trying to suck the junk out of my teeth. that final, amazing moment when i get whatever i have stuck in my teeth out is such a glorious moment that i tend to bask in silently, but very smugly. obviously, this plague is not limited just to pecans. other culprits are popcorn, steak, corn on the cob and very occasionally, crisps.
popping my ankles
Whitney... every single aspect of this show is my favourite ever. Whitney Cummings in hysterical and makes me think of a very tall, thin me. Chris D'Elia is unbelievable and makes me want to die so the laughter will stop making my mouth and chest hurt. it's such a deliciously fun show and if you haven't had the pleasure of watching it yet, stream it or download it. it's worth it!
Craphound... it's pretty much my most favourite thing ever.
restaurants where you can throw nut shells on the floor
Muffin watching Toddlers and Tiaras with me... he accidentally sat down one afternoon to work on a website and found himself completely sucked into the horror and intrigue of Toddlers and Tiaras. it is SUCH a terrible show and he, like me, could not stop watching it.
tickling Muffin
Muffin's hair
owning my favourite perfume again... oh GOD it's good to smell amazing again!
the cat/dog standoff... so Sarah dropped off her cat last Thursday. her cat is a staunch one animal per household activist and the existence of the puppy pretty much ruined his life. the puppy only wanted to play and the cat just wanted to scratch his eyes out. the standoff eventually ended in the dog getting his face clawed which gave him a very special eye infection which we are now treating, but until then, it was fun to watch.
creating amazing dinners with limited ingrediants
turtle feet
Nick Cage
Mama Cass
THIS Family Guy clip
the end!
have a wonderful Tuesday!
when a bathroom is called a WC... i don't know why, but it just makes me so happy and i love it ever so very much.
dogs with floppy ears... after many, MANY hours at the dog park now, i can officially say that i have seen every type of dog ear ever and i simply cannot get enough of big, floppy dog ears. every time we are at the dog park i am just wild with glee over every dog there, but mostly the floppy ones.
my rack
bling plugs... for years i've been trying to find plugs that are shiny and inappropriately full of bling and you wouldn't expect it to be as hard as it has been. the problem is, my ears are at 38mm and there is virtually nobody out there who makes bling in that size. only recently did i stumble across Alternative Dollie Art on Etsy where i saw she makes custom bling. i immediately ordered a pair and have pretty much not stopped wearing them since their arrival. they are such a beautiful addition to my ears and i can't thank her enough for making them for me.
the fact that Sarah showed me her vagina... yeah. it was after her surgery and we went to see her at the hospital. of course, i HAD to see her surgery wounds and after ushering Muffin out of the room, Sarah pulled up her gown and showed me the five cuts on her belly alongside her heiney and vagina. it was special because there's been a constant joke between us that i am not actually her best friend in the world, but only in Washington... so after her surgery, when she literally bore all for me, she told me none of her other friends have seen her vagina and that, my friends, means i AM her bff!
when clouds move really fast
Belle and Sebastian
the hare's face... a little over a week or so ago i got a parcel from my favourite girl in England addressed to "Danie Sharts." after the initial laughter and wondering what the apartment office thought of the name, i carried the parcel home and upon opening it, had to place it aside for a moment. the stench that escaped from the parcel was ridiculous. i soon gained the composure to slip the handwritten letter out and read she had virtually sent me a "parcel'o'death" that included some fishies that she had dried for me and a hare's face that she bought for me a while ago that finally made it to America. it is literally the face of a wild rabbit that has been cut from it's skull. i love it so, very much and have since hung the face, still in it's special plastic bag, on the wall above my desk, so i have constant view of it. i have no idea what i will end up doing with it, but it will be spectacular.
having Sarah to talk to... she is such an incredible friend and i love that i have her around to get feedback from and generally laugh with. i adore her and how, despite all the years we've known each other we've still found one another and are still friends.
when several drivers work together to stop douchebags from being bigger douches
when Muffin puts the subtitles on for me... i don't know why it is, but when i watch a film or telly i really enjoy having the subtitles on, i always have. i like them because people inevitably like to talk during telly time and that way i don't miss anything. i also like them because they let you hear, or at least read, every single tiny thing that the person who made the subtitles wanted you too... so if someone mumbles something in the background that has something to do with the plot, you don't miss it just because you talked through it or weren't paying attention. i love that! also, sometimes, subtitles allow you to feel like you're participating in karaoke because occasionally the lyrics to songs will play alongside them and you can sing right along!
the chip in Jim Carrey's tooth
Adam Carolla
improv
finally getting that piece of crap from between my teeth... recently i have been madly in love with ice cream that has pecans in it and as a result, i get tons of bullshitty little pieces of pecan skin stuck in between my teeth that literally makes me want to die. for several hours after eating that fabulously sweet ice cream i am stuck in a perpetual routine of trying to suck the junk out of my teeth. that final, amazing moment when i get whatever i have stuck in my teeth out is such a glorious moment that i tend to bask in silently, but very smugly. obviously, this plague is not limited just to pecans. other culprits are popcorn, steak, corn on the cob and very occasionally, crisps.
popping my ankles
Whitney... every single aspect of this show is my favourite ever. Whitney Cummings in hysterical and makes me think of a very tall, thin me. Chris D'Elia is unbelievable and makes me want to die so the laughter will stop making my mouth and chest hurt. it's such a deliciously fun show and if you haven't had the pleasure of watching it yet, stream it or download it. it's worth it!
Craphound... it's pretty much my most favourite thing ever.
restaurants where you can throw nut shells on the floor
Muffin watching Toddlers and Tiaras with me... he accidentally sat down one afternoon to work on a website and found himself completely sucked into the horror and intrigue of Toddlers and Tiaras. it is SUCH a terrible show and he, like me, could not stop watching it.
tickling Muffin
Muffin's hair
owning my favourite perfume again... oh GOD it's good to smell amazing again!
the cat/dog standoff... so Sarah dropped off her cat last Thursday. her cat is a staunch one animal per household activist and the existence of the puppy pretty much ruined his life. the puppy only wanted to play and the cat just wanted to scratch his eyes out. the standoff eventually ended in the dog getting his face clawed which gave him a very special eye infection which we are now treating, but until then, it was fun to watch.
creating amazing dinners with limited ingrediants
turtle feet
Nick Cage
Mama Cass
THIS Family Guy clip
the end!
Tuesday, 21 February 2012
freaking Tuesday
oh. em. gee.
things have not been very sane in the McBlowme household for the last several weeks, which explains my lack of posting. so many things have contributed to my lack of contact, not only on here, but on Facebook, emails and any other type of communication you can imagine. in fact, unless you actually come TO my door and force me to hang out, i can't seem to find the means to conjure up the energy to face life outside my apartment.
i've been rather depressed (again), which is the result of a lot of crappy-crap, including, and not limited to losing my job, gaining even more weight and a fair few arguments with Muffin (which has put a shallow dent in the newlywed armor.
in better news, the dent is slowly being bashed out, i've been applying for more jobs and pushing myself harder than before to get myself to a better and more comfortable weight.
no matter what, though, i am ALWAYS working on lists and i have a list today, finally for this Tuesday. sorry again for the delay, and please enjoy.
cherry cola
aquariums
Grimm... which i have recently learned that this is one of the best shows i've seen in a while... content-wise, that is. the graphics aren't amazing and the acting isn't superb, but the premise of it is really interesting and quite fun to watch in general.
when a young child can point out Johnny Cash... i was out a couple of weeks ago and had a Johnny Cash shirt on and i had a little girl, no older than six, shout out to her mother that he was on my shirt. it is really rare to meet a child of her age these days who is aware of Johnny and i could really appreciate that. i spent the rest of the evening glee'ing all over the store.
having my stuff... probably the best and worst thing about my life at the moment. the day after Super Bowl i literally had forty boxes delivered filled with a combination of books, films, clothes, blankets, cushions and kitchen stuff. our apartment is SO full of stuff that, for a short time, we were unable to move. since the delivery, several stops have been made to Goodwill and the dumpster and since then, we only have a couple of boxes left. it's been nice to be able to go through and recall what things i have been missing for the last eighteen months. i am so happy to finally have it all.
Jeff Goldblum
cream top yoghurt
huge guys with tiny dogs
successfully putting together a bookshelf... and you can imagine there's a boatload, given the amount of boxes that have recently arrived at my apartment.
the books i got... one of which is a journal that says, "i heart everything" on the cover. it's pretty magical.
Smash Books
when cashiers read my order back
Cee Lo
taking the dog on a car ride... because he is just SUCH A GOOD BOY and behaves so well in the car. he gets so excited and looks so happy. i love him so much.
dog parks... they are just wonderful! we took the puppy there last weekend and i'm sure it was his first time at a dog park. i have never, ever seen him so excited and despite initial concerns that he might be super naughty and run away, never to be seen again, he stayed with us the entire time and came every time we called him. more trips will be taken to the park in the last few weeks we have him.
my pearl necklace... tee hee. i never, ever get over saying that. Muffin got me a set of pearls for Valentine's Day and i couldn't be more pleased. they are beautiful and it's nice to know that he listens sometimes.
the Tacoma skyline
Mike Rowe
my hair right now... which i've been hating a great deal recently, but fell back in love with last night after finally bleaching it again. it's light, soft and just barely long enough to tie back. i am SO happy.
brownies
good dreams
Julie West... who's art i've been reminded of since the arrival of my items and i adore. she is SUCH a talented artist!
Archie McPhee
REALLY hot showers
special effects makeup
eh. Mike Rowe's on right now and i have some cream top yoghurt to eat, so i'm gonna go. i hope you enjoyed this. i'll surely be doing a blog again soon that's not just a list. we'll see though.
have a beautiful day.
things have not been very sane in the McBlowme household for the last several weeks, which explains my lack of posting. so many things have contributed to my lack of contact, not only on here, but on Facebook, emails and any other type of communication you can imagine. in fact, unless you actually come TO my door and force me to hang out, i can't seem to find the means to conjure up the energy to face life outside my apartment.
i've been rather depressed (again), which is the result of a lot of crappy-crap, including, and not limited to losing my job, gaining even more weight and a fair few arguments with Muffin (which has put a shallow dent in the newlywed armor.
in better news, the dent is slowly being bashed out, i've been applying for more jobs and pushing myself harder than before to get myself to a better and more comfortable weight.
no matter what, though, i am ALWAYS working on lists and i have a list today, finally for this Tuesday. sorry again for the delay, and please enjoy.
cherry cola
aquariums
Grimm... which i have recently learned that this is one of the best shows i've seen in a while... content-wise, that is. the graphics aren't amazing and the acting isn't superb, but the premise of it is really interesting and quite fun to watch in general.
when a young child can point out Johnny Cash... i was out a couple of weeks ago and had a Johnny Cash shirt on and i had a little girl, no older than six, shout out to her mother that he was on my shirt. it is really rare to meet a child of her age these days who is aware of Johnny and i could really appreciate that. i spent the rest of the evening glee'ing all over the store.
having my stuff... probably the best and worst thing about my life at the moment. the day after Super Bowl i literally had forty boxes delivered filled with a combination of books, films, clothes, blankets, cushions and kitchen stuff. our apartment is SO full of stuff that, for a short time, we were unable to move. since the delivery, several stops have been made to Goodwill and the dumpster and since then, we only have a couple of boxes left. it's been nice to be able to go through and recall what things i have been missing for the last eighteen months. i am so happy to finally have it all.
Jeff Goldblum
cream top yoghurt
huge guys with tiny dogs
successfully putting together a bookshelf... and you can imagine there's a boatload, given the amount of boxes that have recently arrived at my apartment.
the books i got... one of which is a journal that says, "i heart everything" on the cover. it's pretty magical.
Smash Books
when cashiers read my order back
Cee Lo
taking the dog on a car ride... because he is just SUCH A GOOD BOY and behaves so well in the car. he gets so excited and looks so happy. i love him so much.
dog parks... they are just wonderful! we took the puppy there last weekend and i'm sure it was his first time at a dog park. i have never, ever seen him so excited and despite initial concerns that he might be super naughty and run away, never to be seen again, he stayed with us the entire time and came every time we called him. more trips will be taken to the park in the last few weeks we have him.
my pearl necklace... tee hee. i never, ever get over saying that. Muffin got me a set of pearls for Valentine's Day and i couldn't be more pleased. they are beautiful and it's nice to know that he listens sometimes.
the Tacoma skyline
Mike Rowe
my hair right now... which i've been hating a great deal recently, but fell back in love with last night after finally bleaching it again. it's light, soft and just barely long enough to tie back. i am SO happy.
brownies
good dreams
Julie West... who's art i've been reminded of since the arrival of my items and i adore. she is SUCH a talented artist!
Archie McPhee
REALLY hot showers
special effects makeup
eh. Mike Rowe's on right now and i have some cream top yoghurt to eat, so i'm gonna go. i hope you enjoyed this. i'll surely be doing a blog again soon that's not just a list. we'll see though.
have a beautiful day.
Friday, 3 February 2012
January 2012
my favourite things about January can not be pinned down to just one or two. there were so many things that made my favourites list... having a puppy in the house, excelling at work, Muffin's hair, spending more time with Troy and Liz, talking to Janey, seeing Sarah finally get her surgery and feeling more like an adult by making a car payment. all of these things shaped my month into a fairly magical beginning to the new year.
my favourite things to watch in January were The Switch, Up All Night, Whitney, The Thing, Bob's Burgers, Raising Hope, A Family Stone, Fright Night, Glee and True Blood. LOADS of films and telly have been consumed in the last month in the McBlowme household. we've been doing a lot of writing and doodling and snuggling and what's better than to have a little background filmage whilst doing so?
my favourite books from January were incessantly interrupted by my constant schedule changes at work. despite this, i have definitely had my nose in the new Stephen King book (11.22.63), 642 Things to Draw (which as SUPER made my life better because it's really prompting me to doodle and draw and really challenge myself. i absolutely adore it), Q & A (which is REALLY amazing and has become a five-year commitment that i think EVERYONE should take part it. i totally love having one little thing at the end/middle/beginning of every day that i can go to and ground myself.) and I Like You by Amy Sedaris (it's adorable, fun and COMPLETELY full of adorable ideas to do for dinner parties and other entertaining.) i wish i had more time to read and i may try to really push myself to read more during my off-time.
my favourite photos from January can be seen below...
the things i'm most excited for for February are my things arriving from England (OMGMONDAY!), clearing out my closet (a little pre-spring-cleaning), getting our tax return back, the Valentine's Day surprise Muffin has planned for me, losing some weight, crocheting some more and Superbowl Sunday partytime with Sarah, Troy and Liz.
my favourite things to watch in January were The Switch, Up All Night, Whitney, The Thing, Bob's Burgers, Raising Hope, A Family Stone, Fright Night, Glee and True Blood. LOADS of films and telly have been consumed in the last month in the McBlowme household. we've been doing a lot of writing and doodling and snuggling and what's better than to have a little background filmage whilst doing so?
my favourite books from January were incessantly interrupted by my constant schedule changes at work. despite this, i have definitely had my nose in the new Stephen King book (11.22.63), 642 Things to Draw (which as SUPER made my life better because it's really prompting me to doodle and draw and really challenge myself. i absolutely adore it), Q & A (which is REALLY amazing and has become a five-year commitment that i think EVERYONE should take part it. i totally love having one little thing at the end/middle/beginning of every day that i can go to and ground myself.) and I Like You by Amy Sedaris (it's adorable, fun and COMPLETELY full of adorable ideas to do for dinner parties and other entertaining.) i wish i had more time to read and i may try to really push myself to read more during my off-time.
my favourite photos from January can be seen below...
the things i'm most excited for for February are my things arriving from England (OMGMONDAY!), clearing out my closet (a little pre-spring-cleaning), getting our tax return back, the Valentine's Day surprise Muffin has planned for me, losing some weight, crocheting some more and Superbowl Sunday partytime with Sarah, Troy and Liz.
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