here comes your tuesday...

Missed a week again, hey? I DO apologize. I have just been full of busy and win. There is just so much occurring in my beautiful little life at the moment that I can barely stand. This list promises to be an excellent one… excellent and meaningful, perhaps?

 ·       Janeyface… since my last list I have had a fabulous weekend of glee starring myself and janey. It was a beautiful weekend that saw us perform our usual opening scene of getting drunk immediately and watching youtube then we had tattootime, a meal out, some drinkies then MORE tattootime. I find it so wonderful that I have someone like janey in my life… someone I can be completely myself with. We talked about it in our drunken state (in between conversations about the tattoos we want to get on our scalps and how much we HATE carribean drinks), about how happy we are to have met one another. I tend to be the one to prompt this conversation lately, purely because I am reflecting a great deal on how amazingly wonderful my life is and I know that it is only this amazing because of the beautiful creatures in my life. Janey is a big one… someone who I can honestly be completely myself around. There is nothing I have to hide or dull down when I am with her, I can just be 100% myself and I love that about her. Her and I always have so much fun together and have all the best conversations. I simply adore every single little thing about her. She is so smart and funny and stunningly beautiful… roll on Friday for another drinking session and the pursuit of my soul mate!

·       Mini rolls

 ·       Pow Pow… again… I think it is safe to say that mostly every single list from now on will feature this boy. He’s just made of actual magic. Over the last several weeks we have become incredibly close… we talk most days and when we don’t talk, we text… he’s just… sigh, he’s like the amazingly beautiful brother that I never had. We are just constantly on the same wavelength and I love that about us… I love that he contacts me when he’s down or needs someone to talk to. I love that he cooked dinner for me last night (a night understandably dubbed our ‘MEAT date’ due to the large proportions of MEAT that we consumed. For dinner we had sausages and mash with a side of MEAT. Post-dinner we proceeded to consume large quantities of ice cream, crisps, chocolate, biscuits, gummy sweets and cola… It was glorious)… I love that he and I are working so closely on Johnny. I love that he wants me to meet his girlfriend. I love that he trusts me. I love that when he hugs me and looks at me I can tell that he loves me just as much as I do him. He’s just the most special person ever and I have absolutely no idea where I would be without him. He inspires so many things in me and makes me feel so brilliant… he’s just what I need most days. He grounds me and makes me feel okay when I could very easily be flying off the handles. I only hope that I do the same for him.

·       Telling people how proud I am of them and how much I love them… I am on a mission at the moment to make sure that people know how much they mean to me… I want everyone to know that and how proud I am of them. It is such a simple gesture that makes people feel so good. Try it sometime; it makes you feel good because you can make someone else feel good.

·       Valentine’s Day 2010… oh yes, this V-Day was made entirely of win. The celebrations started on the 8^th when I asked the muffin to be my valentine. He obliged and I started planning… I wrote up a list of policies and procedures to be adhered to as per his request and then went on a mission to find as many sweet, cute things to do as possible. The clock ticked over to me beginning an email to the muffin, the first of a specified minimum of four that were to be sent. My typing was interrupted by a series of texts from powface and then a phone call. He and I chatted for a while and planned our next date and then we said goodnight and I resumed typing an opus to the love of my life. I typed, attached a lovely photo and then fell into bed for a restful night of slumber. I woke several hours later to two emails in my inbox and a series of fabulous posts on my facebook (this is particularly delightful for me due to the fact that, as he is in the middle of as separation as well, he is attempting to be as discreet as possible about our ‘relationship,’ so it is fairly SQUEE-worthy that he occasionally posts things onto my page that are of a romantic nature). At half eleven I had a knock on the door which ended up being a fabulous gentleman delivering a bunch of roses and lilies with a card addressed to ‘Dr. Butcher. I pranced up to my room with the flowers to find a teddy bear (who I have since named ‘moore’) and a box of chocolates inside. I immediately sent the muffin an email saying that he was the sweetest creature alive and we bantered via email for the following few hours before we had a series of phone calls featuring glee and multiple ‘I love you’s’ it was a fabulous Valentine’s Day and the first one I can remember being so lovely in a long time. Thanks muffin.

·       The fact that when I told Pow Pow I was going to be starting a street dancing class he said, ‘OMG you should TOTALLY do it! THAT’S a blog entry I’d like to read!’ who knew powface even READ my blog?!

·       Combine Harvesters

·       Jaacqy… oh what a special boy! On the five-year anniversary of my wedding last Thursday I got a call from my beautiful jaacqy asking if I wanted to go on a Disney date with him. What kind of a stupid idiot would say ‘no’ to an offer like THAT?! So post-work I made my way into town and meet him outside of Lush and we decided to retire to the pub for a quick pint before the cinema. We sat and drank our elderflower wonderful and mused about the glee surrounding the muffin’s arrival and Johnny and everything. It was so nice just to catch up with him and to be able to look at his little face and remember why I love him so much. After our pints we strolled to the cinema and watched a film that made me laugh, cry, squee and delight in the wonderful that is Disney again. I LOVE their return to 2-d cartoons and I ADORE that this was the film that had the first black princess. It was a magical film and I am so pleased jaacqy was the prince that I went to see it with. After the film he walked me to my taxi and we dubbed February 11^th OUR anniversary now. We took a photo to commemorate it and went our separate ways. I love jaacqy so much and I hate that I don’t get to see him as often as I would like. He is such a glittery, beautiful creature.

·       FINALLY seeing Dean in his little Johnny costume

·       The way Lee Lee’s letters smell… there is little I love more than to receive a letter in the post with that ever-so familiar penmanship on the envelope… I know IMMEDIATELY to smell it and cuddle it close. The magical combination of Lush and fags, one of my favourite smells at the moment, makes me a happy little lady. 

 ·       My snowflakes… oh my actual GOD I love my snowflakes. Despite the massive amounts of pain involved in getting them, they were totally worth it because I now have fabulous memories etched into my skin in the shape of Pow Pow, Johnny and Lee Lee.

·       The new Henry Rollins books… both of which I received from the muffin in his latest parcel. The first one, A Preferred Blur, is amazing because it is filled with his journals from 2006/07 when he was going through a very severe depressive state. It is interesting to read someone else’s journals from their own personal journeys through the landscapes I myself have become so familiar with over the last several years. It’s particularly special because Henry is someone who has really altered my life a great deal. At fifteen, when I got my hands on my first book by him (The Portable Henry Rollins), my life changed. It was at that age that I started writing with the intensity and emotion that I do now. It was his words that guided me down a path of self-exploration and reflection. He is an incredibly inspiring man and I love that he has allowed myself and so many other people into his personal life the way that he has.

·       The fact that, last night, when I mentioned to Pow Pow that I wanted to give him a book that changed my life he KNEW that it was Henry Rollins without a moment’s hesitation… that is something I didn’t even know I had told him and he knew. It proves that he actually DOES listen sometimes. <3

·       Stacey… my new housemate. Every single day she delights me with a new way of making me laugh. At first I was hesitant… you don’t live with someone for near-on six years and then find it easy to make a quick and smooth transition into a new lifestyle with a new person… it took me time. I was worried at first that our age difference would cause a ruckus in the household but over the last three weeks she has really grown on me. She deals with all my ridiculous hobbies and foibles in stride, attempts to get me to do new things (ie. Street dancing classes) and is just generally a fabulous little ball of wonderful energy. Her greatest and funniest comment to date came two nights ago when she beckoned me to see if was interested in having some curry that she planned to cook last night. I responded with a negative, reminding her I would be having MEAT with Pow Pow instead. She responded with shock and asked if Pow Pow ACTUALLY cooked, to which I replied that I was not sure, but if I was dead the next day, she would know why and perhaps I should write out a will… in response to this she said, and I quote, ‘oh yes! You should do that! Write another list! Things to avenge in your name in the event of your untimely death!’ and you can bet your sweet buns I DID write a list and post it on the wall in the dining room before i left for workies yesterday. She sent me a delighted text later on in the afternoon lol’ing about it. I reckon her and I will be just fine.

·       Photos that capture shadows well

·       My ability to touch-type

·       The way a dog holds it’s paw when it’s hurt

·       When the wind sometimes ‘pushes’ me along whilst I’m walking

·       Having tattoos in new places… I love it when I can look someplace that used to be bare and see something new there… obviously, when I very first got the massive one on my arm done the excitement was there constantly. Nearly two years on, the novelty of it has worn off (whilst I still DO have little fits of excitement from time to time when I see it, they are fewer and further between)… now though! My thighs are the owners of new ink babies and every time I prance in front of the mirror I fall in love with them!

·       The way Germans say ‘worried’

·       The ‘pump it up’ situation with janey… honestly, the worst thing I have ever, EVER consumed in my life. Janey and I fell in love with the bottles and their illicit photographs on the front the instant we saw them at that tiny carribean shop that Saturday in hackney… fell in love and were entranced by what exactly could live inside of them. As promised, janey arrived in derby with two bottles of beverage, Bedroom Bully (non-alcoholic, depicting a VERY sassy female in what appears to be bondage gear on the front) and Pump it Up (5% alcoholic with ingredients such as raw moon bush, strong back, giant wisp, poor-man-friend, blood wisp, bryal wisp, nerve wisp and tuna (yes, tuna) and depicting an inter-racial couple very near to intercourse on the front). After drinking a suitable amount of cider we decided to embark on the beverages of glory. We began with the Bedroom Bully, which was just like a stale ginger beer. I hate ginger, so I scowled a lot. Once all the Bedroom Bully had been consumed we moved on to the Pump it Up which promptly ruined our lives. The smell alone was something to behold. It smelled exactly like vinegar mixed with formaldehyde. I was forced to take the first sip and, for the first time in my life, actually heaved from the taste of something. It was actually the worst thing I have ever tasted in my life, ever. So now, I have a bottle of Pump it Up sat on my shelf with a mere four sips taken out of it… I presume it will live there now until the end of time.

·       Prairie dogs

·       Writing on napkins and Kleenex

·       Date-stamping things

·       Stacey’s list

·       Honesty

·       Steam rollers

·       Really beautiful half-cast boys

·       Fancy fingernails

·       Michael McIntyre

·       Cat noses

·       The fiery furnaces

·       Finishing a bear

·       Being back at workies

·       Ben and jerry’s half-baked ice cream

·       Pow’s face when he is doing something involving Johnny

·       Having my two best friends in one place at one time… Saturday before last played host to the fact that I would have BOTH of my best friends in one place at one time… I felt the time had come for Pow and janey to meet one another properly, so I orchestrated a fabulous meal out at a chinese buffet. I can’t honestly explain how wonderful it was to have them both together at once. Like, I love them both individually, but to actually share a space with my two favourite people in the world at one time, it’s mind-blowing. They got on like a house on fire and I am pleased. The world has been set straight now.

·       SEVENTEEN days!

·       Phone calls from Stephanie

·       Stalking Stephanie on her webcam

·       Holding newborn babies

·       Chris Tree... what a wonderful boy! I've always been fascinated by Tree... he's a quirky, fun, fooking HYSTERICAL boy that I met ages ago who seems to be friends with all of my friends. We like to banter in foul ways at one another and go out for lunch dates in city centre to watch the starlings. He and I participated in one of these dates last weekend and it was wonderful. We ate, had a cup of cocoa and took photos... it was thrilling and I hope we do it more before i depart!

 

five years ago today...

Five years ago today I never thought this is where I would be. 

On this day, at this time, five years ago I was in the middle of celebrating the fact that chris and I had just entered the world of wedded bliss… we had put the finishing touches on the venue where we would party until the wee hours of the morning. We were accepting hugs and cards from all our nearest and dearest who we had invited to share our special day with us. We were dancing our first dance as a married couple to ‘Je T'aime.’ We were happy and madly in love. 

I can remember that. I can remember very clearly now all the emotions I went through surrounding being away from him prior to my moving here…  I can remember the way it felt the day I got to the airport that final time, November 19^th 2004… I can remember exactly what it felt like the night before we got married when I arrived back at our flat... Danie, suitably drunk, was forbidden to go in because chris and his ‘stags’ were there and the clock had already ticked over to the day of our wedding... Nobody wanted to risk the possibility of bad luck, so they barricaded me outside, hysterical, on the steps for nearly twenty minutes until all the boys left and I was allowed to go in and collapse on my bed in an elated, almost-bride mess. 

I can remember waking up in the morning to the sound of my mobile going… the voice at the other end was my almost-husband. We talked in hushed tones about how excited we were… talked about our nights and how much we missed one another (despite the fact that we were mere YARDS apart) and mused about the wedding and how much fun it was going to be. I remember how much my head hurt the instant I hung up the phone, the previous night’s antics combined with the fact that someone had set off the fire alarm in our flat did not go down well. I remember the flurry of excitement that my bedroom immediately became the instant I put Pulp on and opened my door. Girls prancing in and out, hairspray, glitter, curling irons, something old, something borrowed, something new and the dress… my navy blue dress of wonder, to be paired only with my silver veil and shoes for the purpose of walking down the aisle and marrying him… chris… the boy I had met two years prior… the boy that had had the pull on me to drag me 8,000 miles away from all my family and friends with the promise of a wonderful life together. 

Five years ago today I never could have imagined that I would be two days into my decree nisi after being separated from my husband for five months. 

Today I have been desperately trying to clutch onto the memories of each of our previous four wedding anniversaries… what we did on them and how we celebrated the union of our lives… 

The first year I recall us having only recently moved into our first house together. 5 harcourt street played host to us celebrating our first 365 days together as man and wife… I recall getting him books and a card… he got me a card. Some sort of a meal was involved… perhaps even a meal out. I don’t remember anything else.

I have absolutely no memory of our second anniversary and how we celebrated it… I want to say that perhaps we went out for a meal? 

The third year was celebrated in ANOTHER new home… my current one. We had not long moved in again and we were still reeling from the glee that surrounded the amazing wonder of thick walls, a giant garden and a landlord that wasn’t satan. I recall this year being incredibly strained… we were very unhappy… struggling to have a day pass that didn’t feature and revolve around an argument about money, our sex life or dane. My precious kasey was due to arrive the next day and, from what I can recall, chris and I ordered in chinese food, were disgusted with the service and watched ‘Fido.’

The fourth and final anniversary we celebrated together was… hrm… again, I am struggling to recall. Again, I remember ordering food in and sitting in the lounge watching films with chevy. We laid on the floor with a serious pile of duvets and lots of snuggles and photos. THE Incident had taken place five months prior and we were still running on a fairly mechanical basis from that… I remember loving him that night; lying on the floor talking and loving the fact that I had his face there with me. I remember feeling pleased that I hadn’t left him in September. 

I think I could speak for both us of when I say that never on that night would we have dreamed that in a mere seven months we would be in that very same room deciding that we couldn’t do it anymore… that there simply wasn’t enough left in either of us. 

At one a.m. yesterday my mobile began to vibrate with the promise of a new text, when I grabbed it, expecting it to be another text from pow pow I was surprised to see ‘ESTRANGED’ as the sender. I had avoided sending him any form of communication on our Decree Nisi day as he had made it seem as though my contact was very unwelcome. 

The text simply read, ‘today was the day. Night.x’

Obviously, I knew he was referring to the penultimate stage of our divorce… the announcement of our intentions in court and the posting of a notice for the next six weeks and one day. I replied saying that he was sassy and I was going to say something but thought he might crap his pants (I’m delightful, yes?). The day dragged on with a series of texts and emails between him and I discussing his feelings about the whole thing… we decided to meet up for a drink in town. 

I arrived, snow-swept, to see him with a pint and a shot of whiskey, his favourite. We chatted about the projects we are each working on and about our significant others… it was nice, like that scene in ‘the breakup’ where they meet up at the end of the film and chat… it was like that. We talked and it was okay. At the end of it we hugged, we hugged and I waivered. The instant my arms were around him his smell enveloped me and I remembered everything… I remembered waking up on mornings when he had work before I had gotten up and going to the toilet to find it smelled so much like him. I used to stand in the hall for minutes just smelling the air. I remembered the day he came home with that cologne and how much we laughed at the others he had brought with it… their horrific, flowery stenches. We held one another for a short period and then I helped him out with his double bass and we hugged once more outside before he gave me a fabulous forehead kiss and went one way whilst I went the other. 

I feel like yesterday was important because I need to see him to offer myself… hrm… I don’t want to say  ‘closure’ because I feel like I’ve HAD that… I think I just need to be able to look at him and know absolutely that this is okay… I need to keep checking it, just to make sure. Like, I KNOW it’s okay, but I sometimes need to remind myself by going and seeing his face… I also really, REALLY don’t want to lose him as a friend. He has been huge in my life and we always got on when we weren’t trying to be husband and wife. I really don’t want to lose this amazingly funny, knowledgeable, fun person from my life. Like pow pow and janey, he’s another one of those people that I will never find another of. No matter what kind of ugly we have gone through in our time together, we are still the same people we always were and they are the people that initially started talking in that chatroom seven years ago.

Divorce aside, I have been living in between states of bliss. 

I am still counting down the days until my life actually turns into a Hollywood movie… until I get to be happier than I think I have ever been in my entire life… until my big, beautiful bag of muffins arrives. As of this moment, he will be leaving Iraq in (hopefully) twenty-two days. Leaving Iraq and making his way to my little part of the world that I have prepared specially for his visit. 

All things muffin-related have been incredible. I feel like at the moment, right now, there is no way I could love him any more than I already do… I arrived home last night with a parcel in my hands, a parcel that he had posted nearly three weeks prior. I waited until he got back online and whacked on my webcam so he could see my excited expressions and witness me following through with my ridiculous ‘smelling things’ ritual (yes, anytime I get anything new… ANYTHING. I have to smell it, smell it for ages). I opened the parcel to see a letter first… a letter addressed simply to ‘little bear’ in the most fabulous of handwriting. I opened it, smelled it and read it. Next was a shirt. Then a henry rollins book… one that is a special first edition signed by henry rollins. Then we had a patch that he has had since 2007 that displays his rank. Next to the patch was a pair of dogtags he had specially made for me… all items were smelled thoroughly and cuddled. 

Underneath these was the thing that destroyed me. It was a shirt that he had worn… I lifted it out and smelled it, I immediately began to cry. The smell was… fuck, I can’t even explain it. It was the very distinct smell of BOY that was new and was an actual, real smell that I could associate with him… this was a smell that he picked out and put on himself on a daily basis… a smell that was his and only his. The sweet combination of Iraqi laundry detergent, old spice and axe… the smell that is like no other smell I have ever smelled. A smell I can't seem to get enough of... I keep going back for more and more. 

I can't wait to be able to ACTUALLY smell him... to ACTUALLY have him here in front of me, at the mercy of my nose... that will make all my little life perfect. 

Muffin-related things aside, I am fabulous. Alastair and I have been busy working on Johnny things and that has just been amazing. We have gotten so close as a result of working on this together and that fact pleases me more than anything in the entire world. I love the friendship that he and i have developed... he's such a special boy.

So there we are... Danie, pleased beyond believe and humbled by the whole divorce thing.

8: love my life: for my beautiful memories...

my life seems to be one constant beautiful memory… every single thing that happens in my life is just another piece of the puzzle that makes my life as blissfully fabulous as it is.. I guess the best way to do this entry justice would be for me to list the things in my life that have caused me beautiful memories… this’ll be a long one. Brace yourself

• My mum… it is difficult to pick out individual memories… I recall so many magical little things that made everything with her beautiful. I remember as a child I would always say that the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life was my mum sleeping and I still reckon that holds a spot in the top five. I loved her face… her laugh and smile. There are a flurry of memories from my childhood especially that were made distinctive because of my mum… things like trips to crazy horse mountain or summer visits to embassy suites. When she was still able to drive I remember car rides with her being miraculous… we would sing and talk and there was NEVER anything I couldn’t talk to her about. I remember the months prior to my moving to the UK, how I would go visit her in the home at least once a week and we would eat and sit around and watch films or telly… those days with her were the most special because we had so many of them and because she always made me feel so loved. I remember the last time I saw her in person… November 19^th 2004… that was the morning I left for England. She was devastated. I remember how her face looked, how hard she held me and what she smelled like. I remember the last time I spoke to her… It was horrific, but I would have regretted it for the rest of my life had I not rung her that night. She told me how much she loved me, that I meant everything to her…. My mum was the most wonderfully beautiful, giving woman in the world and I wouldn’t trade her or my memories of her for anything.

• Janey… the memories I have with my janeyface are so much more different than any of the memories I will have with anybody else in the world. Our time together is spent in a beautiful little flurry of being lewd, inappropriate, offensive and utterly and completely ourselves. When she and I are together we fall into a world that completely spins for just the two of us… nobody else exists. Chris always hated it when she came to visit and theo still hates it when we are together because we immediately begin to set one another off in the most improper and fabulous of ways. My memories of her date back to the first time we met in person… that fabulous summer’s day that she came up to derby and stepped off the bus to my little smiling face. The next night we began our string of outrageous memories by writhing all over the floor of the local pub to bon jovi’s ‘always’ with claire. Every single janeydaniepartytime since has just been better and better. Racist shopping adventures, lesbian chats, hot-boxing her lounge with our horrendous gas and more shopping adventures than anybody could ever fathom. Janey is such a beautifully wonderful person and I will no doubt know her and continue making offensive memories with her until one of us dies of some horrendous disease or car accident.

• Alastair… over the last five years the bulk of my beautiful memories have come from pow pow…he and I have gone on some of the most amazingly fabulous adventures ever. He is the one person I have watched more films with, had more cups of tea with and talked to more than anybody else. Things as simple as all our swimming dates two years ago will fall high on the list of beautiful memories I have in my life. Most of the moments I spend with him are extraordinary for me because I exist in complete awe of him… he is an astoundingly beautiful, talented and magical person and to spend as much time as I do with him and to be as close to him as I am makes me feel so outrageously special. Every day I get to see him makes me feel like the things I do and say are worth something because he agrees with or admires it. There are just so many memories to pick from… if I had to name one particularly beautiful memory, I would have to hark back to the night the incident happened (September 26^th 2008). The whole night was beautiful despite the obviously horrific event. Pow pow and I had gone swimming, went out for a cup of tea at big blue with alex and jaacqy, moved on to wetherspoons where I bore witness to his sally jessi impression for the first time and then on to the rest of the night… post-incident, jaacqy and I went back to pow pow’s and I laid on the couch talking to mark until he returned home and immediately laid on top of me and held me for ages. He just laid there and hugged me. He held me like he was trying to hold all the pain out of me and to this day, nobody has ever been successful at giving me a better cuddle, ever… I doubt they ever will.

• Concertina Turner… the summer of 2007 was made perfect because of one thing. That thing was concertina turner and the butchers. I honestly couldn’t believe it when claire and mark asked me to be in the band… I  never showed any outward abilities musically… why ME?! Who bloody cares, is what I answer now! That was the best time of my life. Playing music with the five of them was the most fun I have ever had. Those months that we played together were completely fuelled by chris’s homemade mead and the cheers of drunken onlookers. There are so many swirling memories that I can grasp out of the air, but when I have to pick just one, it is always jerry… I LOVE to remember how jerry and I used to watch one another when we played. He was such a beautiful man and I love every single song we ever had the chance to play together.

• Dane... there is not one single memory I don’t cherish about this boy. I drive him insane during every conversation asking him to tell me what things he remembers or what his favourite memories are. Those fabulous months in the summer of 2001 were so, so special... the random late-night car journeys, the trip to the water tower, our first kiss on the corner of Evans Avenue and east 17th Stret, the nine times he and i went to see shrek together at the cinema… all these things made up the summer that shaped my heart and the pace it beats at now. The most special memory I have of him is the last time I saw him in person. It was March 6^th and I can remember every single tiny detail of those last ten minutes we spent together with perfect recollection. I remember how he smelled (of his deodorant and taco john’s), exactly how tall he was, how hard he held me, the fact that he couldn’t get out more than one sentence for the emotion and the way he held my hand when we parted ways… that memory will only be trumped with the first time we meet again, which I can only imagine will be the single most beautiful memory in the history of beautiful memories.

• Mini Mart… hands-down the greatest job I have ever had in my life… working the graveyard shift at that petrol station for those eight months was the best time in my teenage life. Everyone knew me and loved me and I met the most incredible array of people. You never had the same night working in a place like that… I still think back to all the special regular customers I had and all the fun shenanigans that I got up to working there with great fondness… ask me to tell you some of the stories some time, you’ll love them  

• Chris… despite the crap he and I went through towards the end I am still able to recall very well all the beautiful moments he and I shared. I remember how much I used to hate him when we first started talking and how, despite that animosity, I couldn’t WAIT for him to come online next so I could tell him about my day and ask him about England. I remember how nervous I was to ask him for his email address for the first time. I remember the first time I saw him in the airport… a fresh-faced 18-year-old on her first international journey. I was terrified and excited and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I remember exactly how he looked and exactly how long I watched him until he noticed me (42 seconds). I remember how nervous I was in the back room at the registrar’s, waiting to be allowed to walk down the aisle to my waiting fiancé. I remember our first dance as husband and wife. I remember the day we walked out to the pet shop to pick out our guinea pigs and how excited we were to play with them when we got home. There are so, so many things I remember. So many special things that only he and I would find beautiful, but that have offered the perfect amount of wonderful to my life thus far.

•  Ashley... the memories i have with this girl are so SO huge and outrageously beautiful that i could never, ever pin down a small list of memories her and i have created together. when i think of this girl i am immediately submerged into an ocean of beautiful thrifting adventures, late-night car rides, finding god-awful clothes in ross and limitless village inn dates (WITH RANCH DRESSING ON THE SIDE!!). she has been the sparkle that made me who i am and i can never, ever do our memories justice. our epic summer of wonderment was everything hollywood makes them out to be, they are life-changing, forever memorable and worth every single second of it. she has been my rock in so many situations and our memories have fueled me through some horrible times. i simply adore to think about all the other memories we will make.... meeting more frightening people at Arc or watching more mullets at the mall... every memory i have with her i cherish more than most. 

i would never be able to list every beautiful memory i have... memories that bounce around my mind that feature lee lee and george and hannah. i adore my life and the memories i have made. 

here's to a billion more.

fings... i heart them...

just a list... i am sleepy and need to sleep...

• JUST-cleaned glasses... the instant after i've cleaned them and i put them back on my face, the clarity with which i can see, that's my favourite!
• my ash-beast... very, VERY rarely am i at a loss for words... very rarely do i find myself unable to string sentences together in such a way as to express my general excitement, glee and SQUEE for the events in my life... until today. today i pranced down my stairs just before seven in the a.m. after a knock on the door. i had been awaiting the delivery of a special parcel from my favourite beast in america after she had warned me it was on it's way thirteen days ago. i opened the door and saw the handwriting that is ever-so familiar to me and i squee'd then slammed the door. the parcel and i pranced up the stairs and we perched in front of my desk. i opened the parcel to damask wonderful and a little bottle. in the bottle was a rolled-up letter that i unrolled and immediately smelled (it's one of my problems). the letter... heh... the letter caused instant-weep. essentially, my favourite american beast is getting married... she is getting married and we have been all but killing ourselves with the excitement. i was particularly excited to find out that i will be BACK before her wedding and will be allowed to stand up with her. this went a little deeper when i read her letter and found that she wants me... danie... to be her maid of honour. (!!) i honestly cannot believe it. like, literally... it's the last thing i was expecting. i was certain that since i had been away that i would be lucky to be allowed to sit within three rows of the front aisle. there are no words to describe how much this means to me... how amazingly fabulous this makes me feel... how much more freaking excited i am! my newest mission? to find THE dress! 
• the puffin tattoo
• noah and the whale
• OMGJANEYVISIT
• chris tree
• david culleton
• chewing on honeycomb
• sugar cane
• my star jumper
• multi-coloured wool
• hot pink
• ASDA dates
• tidying
• the scent of pink grapefruit

• justin smith esq... this man is ACTUALLY my soul mate! gold tooth? check! handlebar moustache? check! tattoos? check! HUGE nose? CHECK! he is also an accomplished baker, practices taxidermy and a fashion designer. unfortunately for me, he is also a homosexual... a homosexual i will be meeting on the twentieth! SQUEE!
• the smell of insecticide
• long emails
• bubble letters
• feeling needed
• friendly old men
• when people take an interest in my tattoos
• when people refer to me as 'trouble'
• 'slither'
• writing/drawing on oranges
• when the muffin emails me
• ASDA prices
• when people suggest films to me
• the fact that stacey has started counting down now
• 31 days!!!
• numbers and how well i can remember them
• remembering things about my mum
• access databases
• long chats with pow pow
• being watched (not in a creepy way)
• highlighters
• the smell of dry-erase markers
• wasabi
• saline drips
• dusting
• mopping on my hands and knees
• hoovering
• hot pink lipstick
• costume jewelery
• pow pow paintings
• radishes
• apt horoscopes... (today, for example, my horoscope read as follows: 'when you love you love completely. you'd do anything for those close to  you, so to feel let down in this manner is somewhat of a shock. revelations made after 3pm give you back your faith' - of note, at half four, pow pow sent me a text saying he would come round later this week for phototime with the pig's mandible. yay!)
• corned beef
• the boys at the tattoo parlour
• the 'pigface' date of mine and pow pow's
• photos that capture shadows well
• my ability to touch-type
• red squirrels

the end! yay!

7: love my life: for all the advice i didn't follow...

and oh was there a lot! i guess the easiest thing to do would be to list it... the ones i can remember, anyway...

• i shouldn't look different... my ENTIRE life all i had were my sisters and mum telling me not to get tattoos, stretch my ears, get piercings or dye my hair... i used to have a massive collection of newspaper or magazine clippings that my sister seemingly collected EVERY time she saw a new one describing how difficult it was to get a job or make friends whilst looking 'alternative.' i love that i didn't listen to them because i simply adore the creature i am today... dyed, tattoo'd, stretched and never, ever matching. 
• stick with the marriage... even today when i speak to my sisters they harass me and tell me that i should have tried harder on my marriage with chris. even after i have told them that it isn't going to happen they still hound me, telling me that chris was a good person and i should have tried harder to make it work with him.... i know today without a shadow of a doubt that this has been the best decision of my life and i will never, ever live to regret it. 

right, i guess there were only two. i've been sat for the last hour trying to remember more but i can't... i guess i was never that much of a rebel. i did heed a lot of the advice that my family and friends offered me.

so there we are.