i resolve...

2010... here we are. another year, another series of events that will shape the rest of my life.

this year is going to be massive for me for so, SO many reasons. i am looking onwards toward this year with excitement, fear and love and we are only two days in.

i plan to make some definite resolutions, as a result of the roaring success of last year's resolutions. please see below and enjoy!

• spend as much time as possible with the important people in my life... i am becoming increasingly aware of the fact that i will be leaving soon and i need to make sure that i spend as many hours as possible cuddling all the special people in my life. i have let far too many people slip away in my time here and i hate myself for that. there are clear 'big ones' that i REALLY need to cuddle (janeyface, pow pow, hannah, goncalves, tree, jaacqy, charlie) but i really need to make sure that i pull out all the stops with my love and make sure EVERYONE knows how important they are to me. 
• be more open-minded... like, clearly, i am not THAT closed-minded anyways, but i tend to let myself get carried away if i am hesitant or scared of something. i will more often than not go without rather than go out on a limb... this can pertain to going out to a gig, trying a new food or meeting new people... i need to drop that mentality and REALLY embrace my life. love the things that surround me limitlessly. i need to allow myself to completely seize everything for what it is, a new, exciting experience with the potential to change my life.
• downsize my life... obviously, because i am moving to america in a mere nine months, it is important that i make sure it is as stress-free as possible. originally, i was going to take ALL. MY. STUFF. back with me, but i decided that was probably not for the best... this is for two reasons: cost and ease of moving when the muffin and i shift to wherever it is we do. so, i will be going through my stuff over the next seven months and making sure that i deplete my stocks of crap, wool and clothes. 
• take really good care of my health... in the last three months or so i have really gotten myself together health-wise... my mental health is fairly wonderful and my physical health, while okay, could be better. i want to get a better grasp on my health. i have gotten a taste for what it is like to lose weight and feel better about myself, and i want to feel BETTER, so i want to lose more weight, tone and eat even healthier. i suspect this will be easy enough until i move back to america, so i need to make sure i hold tightest to this one in september.
• finish all my projects! yes, this needs to be done for MULTIPLE reasons... the most important projects are the ones for johnny, which need to be finished by like, the middle of march. other than that, i have like a billion blankets i need to finish, scarves, toys, jumpers... everything. i just need to get it done. on top of these projects, i want to get OTHER projects done that i have been thinking about for a while. essentially, i want to deplete my wool as much as possible before my move. 
• save at least £150 a month... i want to do this for multiple reasons. obviously, the biggie is to aid me in moving back to america, but also, i want to make sure i have enough money saved up by the time i move to allow me to not have to work for a short period. i want to be able to scoot back to america and just take time to relish in the fact that i am back home with my family and friends again. i would ideally like to be able to have a couple of months off when i return, so i can envelope myself in my beast's wedding and then perhaps visit the muffin, but, well, we'll see. 
• get my washing-up done in a more timely manner... oh yes, this is one thing that i struggle with the most. as much as i adore DOING the washing-up, i just never, ever seem to find myself getting around to doing it. now though, in 2010, i plan to ensure i get my dishes done within two days of using them... that's a good timeframe, yes? 

other things i resolve to do in 2010 WITHOUT blurbs:

• listen to more music
• watch more films
• blog more
• bake more often
• be more reliable
• write people more
• remember every, single birthday AND send out cards!
• get at LEAST ten more tattoos
• have my stuff picked up from my house for shipment to america by September 12th. 
• be back on american soil on september 15th **squee**

 and there you have it, a list of things i resolve to do this year. wish me luck! 

bundled in a van headed due north...

since my post a couple of weeks ago, i have been refraining from blogging at the suggestion of my boss... this is as a result of some very, VERY fabulous events that have taken place at work.

on monday the 14th of december my boss rang me two minutes before i was due to get off for the day to ask me if i could wait behind as her boss needed to speak to me. ever the helpful beast, i happily obliged.

my co-workers and i mused for the following two minutes about what it could be he wanted to speak to me about... perhaps a promotion? perhaps a fabulous new project? perhaps a special award made in my honour as a result of my excellent work? 

i continued to giggle to myself as everyone filed out and i was left completing some more reports and waiting for his arrival. he arrived and had a word with my boss first. after twenty minutes she came to my office to say that he had something very serious to talk to me about and it 'was not going to be very nice...'  she mumbled something about a blog and that if i needed some support she was happy to go with me and sit with me. 

i declined and made my way down to the office. 

i was greeted by him and a HR representative who asked me to sit. they cut straight to the chase, advised me that i would be suspended with immediate effect as someone from 'outside of the Trust' had contacted them and informed them that i have been supplying confidential information to the public. they would need my badge and i was not to contact any of my co-workers or come onto the premises until a full and concise investigation had taken place and did i have any questions? 

the next forty-five seconds looked a little something like this...

'well, what KIND of information has been said to have been given out?' uhhh, we can't tell you that. 

'well, did they say HOW this information has been distributed?' uhhh, we can't tell you that.

'well, how long will this take?' uhhh, we can't tell you that. 

'okay, what CAN you tell me? ' uhhh... nothing. 

i then handed over my badge and was escorted down to my office and taken outside by my boss. she advised me as we walked out the door that i should not blog about this or 'make it worse' for myself. 

initially, i didnae feel anything about it... i was not bothered at all by what had happened... but as i waited out in the cold for my taxi i slowly began to feel like i was melting. my mind raced and all i could think is that there is some horrible, wicked, IDIOT out there who is out for my blood and wants to attempt to fuck with my life in any way that they can. some petty dum dum who has nothing better to do that hurt people. 

i got in the taxi and was caught up in a whirlwind of wondering what could possess someone to DO something like this. what processes must have gone through their brain to make them feel like it was okay to call someone's place of employment and LIE? 

i arrived home to find a very emotional letter from my grandma and an even MORE emotional christmas card from the estranged. 

it was about three minutes after i arrived home that the tears started flowing. i cried what seemed to be all the tears that had been missing since the beginning of the separation. i cried for nearly an hour... i can't remember ever crying that much in one sitting, ever... so violent and heavy were these tears that i just wanted to lie on my bed and let myself fall asleep. 

i cried until the muffin came online and i was able to talk to him about it. i hated talking to him about it because i could tell how helpless he felt. here i was, falling apart into a little ball of emo and all he could do is just tell me he loved me.

the estranged came home and held me. i needed a hug so bad. he held me and said that it was fucked up. 

four days after, the tears had subsided and i was left with nothing but the most positive spin i could take on the situation. i was being PAID to have christmas and new year's off... win. as a result of this newly received 'holiday' i immediately decided to extend my visit to janeyface.

the day i left for janey i received my letter in the post outlining my suspension citing the reason  for my suspension. it says, and i quote: 

'... you were suspended from duty on full pay with effect from 14 December 2009, pending an investigation into the allegations that: you have posted inappropriate information in relation to your employment with the Trust on an external website.'

so there i had it. i neatly filed the letter away and packed my bag for an extra-long and very much-needed trip to london to see my favourite princess.

the initial reason for my trip to london was to see my precious jaacqy do his last performance in his one-man show called 'clothes to fall apart in.' janey was a busy bee on the friday, so i arrived into missy's waiting arms and we hustled our way to bethnal green to see my precious jaacq act his little face off. 

upon my (late) arrival at the venue a lot of prancing and excitement occurred, as it seemed that jaacq had been glee'ing about me to EVERYONE there. i pranced in and every single person in the tiny venue jumped to attention, exclaiming that i 'must be THE danie!' to which i replied that i was indeed THE danie. 

jaacq had waited to start until my arrival, so missy and i went into the green room for a glass of wine and then filed into the auditorium to see my most precious boy dressed in a beautiful wig and fur-lined coat. 

post- performance we milled around the green room where i had a severe amount of gay boys prance up to me to tell me they loved me and had heard SO much about my cupcakes. we all squealed a bit and then marched to a local pub for a pint. 

the following five days were just so wonderful. janey and i existed in a whirlwind of ethnic food, tattoos, inappropriate vegetables, films and booze. 

i love my janey so much that it hurts sometimes. she is just so special to me. 

as i type this she is in the middle of designing me a special tattoo that will be HER tattoo on me. the one that symbolizes our friendship and the last five years we have spent being nearly inseparable.i am SO looking forward to seeing what she ends up creating for me.

since returning to derby i have been ill and have experienced my first christmas by myself in twenty-five years. whilst it was not wholly horrific, it was still fairly sad. i got texts and e-love from friends and my sister rang me bright and early to tell me she loved me and talk to me about the holidays and the excitement surrounding me moving back. she was very pleasant and we talked about the visit out here she wanted to make before my move back (which i am SUPER excited about!) and how much holiday she had saved up so far and how much she wants to have saved up before she comes to visit. we said our 'i love you's' and then i fell back asleep for a few more hours. 

the remainder of my christmas was spent 'with' the muffin. he was reasonably busy, but he made the effort to talk to me and give me what time he could. he sent me photos of molly prancing excitedly with her presents and we talked about our christmases to come... the ones that would feature just him and me. those are the ones i am most looking forward to. ones where he and i lie in bed until whenever we want and then prance to the tree to open up the presents that 'santa' has dotted around the house for us. i will make him a fabulous christmas breakfast and we will spend the day moving between the kitchen and sofasnuggles. just danie and dane and the yule. it will be so wonderful. 

since christmas i have just... eh, i've just been ill and pining. the muffin has been outrageously busy with work, so our talking time has been limited. we still have been having daily talks, but they have been fewer and further in-between. 

needless to say, this extra time to myself has left me with a lot of time to think... think about everything that has been or will be going on in my life. the divorce and  the muffin and the move and everything. it all kinda got on top of me today when i woke up feel wretched for the fifth day in a row. i just felt down about everything... 


i have since pulled myself out of it... this has been primarily due to the fact that i have realized that it is like, a mere NINE weeks until the muffin will arrive. NINE WEEKS until i get to see his face in person for the first time in eight years! i know i have been excited about it, but last night i got that very familiar and welcome almost sickly feeling in my stomach. the excitement has started to create a very dense ball of glee in the pit of my belly that weighs so much but that reminds me that i am here, living this incredible life with something massive to look forward to.


it is just mere days now! just over sixty days and he will be here!! i'll be able to roll over in bed and press my face to his and tangle my legs with his and snooze as happily and comfortably as i want. i'll be able to walk with him to the shops and grab his hand and stop to give him a big smooch. i'll be able to cook for him. i'll be able to do anything i want.


it's so surreal and exciting and just... i can't believe it. after pining this long he will finally be here. 


eight years. fuck. 


other things of note that i shall list as i am too tired to write anymore... 

• i have now officially fit into my first medium-sized dress in like, thirty-three years. vic gave me the most amazing dress EVER for christmas and i tried it on, not expecting it to fit only to find that i look fucking hot in it! yay!
• things with the estranged have been reasonable... we've been talking to one-another like humans and it's been nice (a further and more in-depth blog to come re: this situation)
• OMGASHLEYISGETTINGMARRIED!! her and gus are officially getting married and they have set a date AND i will be there to do everything i can to make her day as special as i can!
• i have set an official moving-back date... wait for it... September 15th,  2010! yay! (whilst i WILL be flying back this day, i will not arrive in cheyenne until the sixteenth, as the muffin will be retrieving me from the airport in denver and then we will end up staying the night at a friend's house that night and then prance home the next day for OMGASHLEYFUNTIME!)
• my hair is STILL green but i am REALLY itching to dye it something more glorious. 
• pow pow and i plan to start working out (walking/running in the park and swimming) very soon. we've dubbed 2010 as the YEAR OF FIT. yay!

 and that's it... i think. i am tired and should go to sleepies, or watch a bit of henry rollins. 

hope everyone is well and their festive period was wonderful!

reflecting

so, it was nearly one year ago that i sat at my desk and cited the things i would like to see myself accomplish in 2009... a year since i made resolutions for the first time in my life with the intention of actually following through with them.

i wrote them and planned to see how i progressed with them without any specific prodding, as it were. i planned to write them and leave them to be reflected upon within the year to see how i did... i hate the convention that people follow that calls for them to write them out and demonize themselves when they do not follow through with any one or combination of them... i wrote them and am now looking at them for the first time since i posted them to see how i did.

please enjoy, as i am sure i will...

• become better with money... well, i can most certainly say that my money-management has improved. the shift in my fiscal abilities occurred in september as a result of the divorce. as someone who is typically atrocious with money, i immediately realized i had to snap to attention and sort myself out because the estranged was very good at enabling me, which in turn made me lazy, ungrateful and irresponsible. here i am today though, more-or-less able to manage my money.... i have not had to borrow money from anyone (bar that £20 from janeyface) since september, and have been very delighted to see at least a tenner left in my account at the end of each month.
• cut down on cola products... i went through phases through the year, but it was not until the separation that i actually stopped having cola products all together. well, not ALL together, but it is a VERY rare occasion that i will have a cola now. i feel incredible for having done that as well...
• sort out my health... as many of you have witnessed over the last twelve months, the biggest problem i have faced is my mental health. it has been a bloody rough ride, but i have been fortunate enough to finally find a consultant that actually cares and he has helped me to completely pull myself out of this rut. my mental health, whilst rocky at the beginning of the year, has mostly been sorted. i have been off my medication now for about a month and feel incredible. i feel happy and well and confident. a lot of this confidence has to do with the improvement of my physical health. in the last three months i have lost three stone (42 lbs) and i feel freaking awesome! i am eating better, drinking better, have quit smoking and am overall the happiest little creature ever!
• crochet more... and oh have i crocheted my face off this year! i have created so many fabulous things over the last twelve months... i can't even begin to name them all. suffice it to say that they have all been wonderful and have all found their way to happy, wonderful homes.
• finish all my started projects... heh, yeah, no. i am looking around my room and noticing that i have not actually finished even ONE of my started projects. blankets, skirts, paintings, dolls... all still in random states of un-finished. i have just spent too much time consumed on OTHER projects and, if anything, i have only added about twenty MORE items to my list of unfinished things. i really need to sort my life out!
• write people more... well, in some ways i have absolutely done this... because i am planning to move, i have been going through a period of re-connecting. i have been contacting the lovelies i will be returning to so i can make sure they know i adore them and want to prance with them upon my arrival to the mother country. alongside that, i have been putting in a serious effort to cuddle, write and kiss as many of my english beasts as often as possible... i NEED them to know how special they are to me and i NEED to make sure that those bonds are as strong as possible before i go so they don't break whilst i am away.
• tidy more and better... again, since the split, i have REALLY sorted myself... well... overall, i am not THAT tidy of a person, but i have really been putting in the effort to make sure i keep my life in some state of order now. particularly at the moment, i have been trying to de-clutter... this is both in aid of getting all of the estranged's stuff out of my life, but also for me to prepare for my move back stateside... i only want to take the most special of the special back with me, so i need to clear my life.

• blog more... oh yes, this is something i can most definitely say i have been better at. not great, but better. i have tried to make sure that i have posted at least once a week, missing only a month or two here and there when i was having a particularly difficult time. i have been better and am pleased with what i have done thus far.
  
• learn to bake the perfect cake... not cupcake... PROPER cake... no... just no. granted, i DID bake the most perfect carrot cake in the world on easter, i have yet to be able to consistently be able to churn out the perfect cake. i can still blast out the most fabulous cupcakes anyone has ever eaten, but i STILL want to master the perfect cake. 
  
• watch more films... absolutely 100%! i have been SO good this year with films! this is primarily thanks to my beautiful pow pow, as he has been my special date for most of the films i have watched this year, but i can happily say that i have totally crammed in as many films as i could have hoped. i has a satisfied!
  
• collect more lists... meh, i only got a couple dozen this year, certainly not as many has i had hoped... at least i got SOME though!
  
• go out more... in some ways, i guess i have. i have absolutely been making attempts to go out of my comfort zone and see more people, do more things and generally be less of a hermit. i most certainly could have gone out MORE, but i am content with the amount of time i have spent out of my house this year. 
  
• spend more time with husband DOING stuff... meh... this was never really achieved. i guess we KINDA did some stuff together, but overall, one of the main reasons our relationship dissolved was as a result of he and i just not having anything in common anymore and therefore meaning we didnae go out together anymore.
  
• take more photos... whilst i know i could have taken MORE, i am very happy with the amount i HAVE taken this year. i have photo documentation of most of the things i have done or seen this year and for that i am pleased. 
  
• read more... mmm, sure. again, i could have absolutely read more, but i am content with the amount i have read. i consumed all of augusten's memoirs, countless zombie novels, all the daren king books and many others... sure, there are some specific books i would have liked to have read, but i have been a busy girl.. i'll get to them!
  
• BE IN AMERICA FOR CHRISTMAS 2009! well, i think it is pretty clear why this didnae materialize. the good news is that danie will be in america for christmas 2010 AND the following countless christmasses!! yay!!

and with that, i can say i am happy with all i have achieved this year. there are so many things NOT on this list that i am beaming with pride about...  things i couldn't have even imagined were possible when the clocked turned over to 2009. i have grown a great deal this year and have achieved more than i could have hoped. it has been an amazing year and i am pleased with every single little event that took place.

thank you world, for letting this year pass with such flawless perfect. thank you for escorting me safely to 2010. i'll be thinking about you.

Dear Anonymous part two....

i am fairly certain you are the sole reason that my manager's manger's manager called me into work post-closing-time today and i must say, i do not appreciate it, even a tiny bit.

the accusations that have been flung are far-fetched, detrimental to my job and lies.

why would you do that to someone?

Dear Anonymous....

whilst i DO appreciate your avid interest in my blog, and i do enjoy your very crude and childish attempts to rile me, your efforts are in vain.

i have got many better things to do with my life than to wrap myself up in what some petty individual thinks of me. i am sure you have your reasons for having done what you have done and again, i appreciate the input, but please know that i am not going to allow you to publicly troll me on my blog. if you have things to say that you feel are relevant and hard-hitting, please, by all means, email me. i open my inbox to you.

although i do have what i believe to be a fairly good guess as to who you are, if you would prefer to remain nameless, please create a new email account and contact me from there. you could even invent a really fun, sassy name to email me with. think of something good... wow me with your wit and excellence.

my lack of willingness to allow my 'so-called friends' to see the 'truth' as you preach it has nothing to do with you, in fact, it has everything to do with the fact that your words are poison and whilst some of the comments had ELEMENTS of truth in them, they are unnecessary and hurtful...

there are a total of about four people that read this particular blog, all of which know me fairly well, meaning that their views of me will not be tainted by your slander. it is unimpressive, petty, childish and just plain mean.  that being said, i hope you enjoyed your time in the spotlight, as there was at least one person who read one of your comments and delighted in it.

i am sorry to have removed all of your hard work from my blog. i appreciate that it must have taken you quite a long time and effort, as it seems that you read through each of those blogs to find something specific to attempt to jibe me with. really, i do apologize for having simply erased your work... again though, please feel free to email me and we can have a fun chat on there.

my email address is as follows:

starbutcher@gmail.com

i am fairly friendly and would LOVE to chat with you, my dear mystery reader.

the ball is in your court now my darling. i shall await your move.

3: Love my life - for all my certainties

there are many things in my life that i am certain of... many, many things. i hadn't really realized it until i read this question and sat back to have a think... a lot of people say that there is nothing one can be certain for in life, but i know that there are MANY things i can count on.

a list of my certainties is as follows:

• the fact that, despite my concerns, my sisters will support any decision i make... i KNOW they will be worried about things. i KNOW they love me. i KNOW that any time they show worry or doubt, it is because they don't want to see me hurt. there is a lot of tension built up around the whole muffin thing... i have not told them about him yet because i want to make SURE before i start world war three. there will be mass devastation and i know this... i know this and am happy to accept the brunt of it because i know they will freak out because they love me. i am their little sister and they always warm to the decisions i make, when they see that i am a strong girl who can deal with it... it's nice to have that kind of love in my life.
• the solid friendships i have... i am very aware of the fact that there are some friends in my life, the BIG ONES that will be there for me through thick and bloody thin. people like janey, jaacq, pow pow, ashley and dane... they are the ones that are stuck with me forever. the ones that will always think about me and offer me their opinions and just love me. my friends are incredible ones who are the most supportive, strong, wonderful people and i would most certainly not feel strong enough to deal with all of the stuff i am doing at the moment were it not for them.
• the muffin's love for me... there is not one single, tiny, little doubt in my mind that the love that the muffin i call danish harbours for me is pure, fabulous and will last until the end of time. this revalation, whilst fairly old news, became all the more clear last night when i was talking to him about my concerns for when he's returned to america and i am still here. i asked him what should make me believe i could trust him, to which he replied that he has never, ever felt this way about anyone ever. he explained some very personal things that he has gone through in his head that i don't really wish to divulge here, but rest assured that they were sweet, heart felt and made this girl cry. the things he and i feel for one another are off the charts and it makes me happy and thankful every day to be able to say that i have officially found THE ONE... this is forever, kids, fasten your seatbelts because it will be intense.
• that every decision i have made in my life up until this very moment has made me the most perfect version of myself i can possibly be... i love who i am today. i love the things i have done to get where i am today. i am certain that there is not one single decision i have made in the past twenty-five years that has hindered me in any way. i am where i am and who i am, which is the best and most up-to-date version of danie on the market, because of the things i  have done, seen, smelled, tasted and heard. i am certain that there is no way that danie could be any more improved. i am certain that i am living my life to it's fullest potential as a result of all the decisions i have made and things i have done.

and it is those things i am certain of... i am sure there are more, but they are the huge ones. 

2: Love my life - for what i am yet to receive

love your life for what you are yet to receive

there are countless things i am yet to receive, things that i am really not even able to fathom. clearly, every day i receive new things... memories, people, items, cuddles, etc. each of these things are what keeps me going.

it is for these small, wonderful that i exist.

i am aware that over the next year, particularly, i will be in receipt of a great deal of fantastical things... the things that i can think i would be so lucky to get are as follows:

• new people and friends
• going-away gifts when i move
• my citizenship
• tickets to america
• a home to stay in with my sister upon my arrival back to america
• perhaps at LEAST seven more gifts from the muffin
• christmas cards
• SO many cuddles for SO many creatures
• letters from my grandma
• at least ten more paycheques from workies
• a multitude of memories
• tattoos from janeyface
• the opportunity to see the muffin for the (third) first time
• a painting that pow pow has done for me
• my Kenwood Kmixer
• the beginning of a new and outrageously beautiful chapter in the book of danie and dane
• my divorce

i think that's it for now... those are things i can think of that i KNOW will be coming into my life in the future that will make every single day worth plodding on for, because i know they will be coming.

it is difficult, because i know that every single day offers me something new, something that will inspire me to love my life even more than i did before. i just need to make sure i am humble enough to be able to notice them and not take them for granted.