Saturday, 14 March 2009
you're a part time lover and a full time friend
well, here i am again, posting a less horrible, although still slightly dishevelled blog.
i have been really trying to make myself feel less horrific. it has been difficult but do-able. it has only been do-able with the help of some very special people.
husband has really been making things easy for me... not without a big freaking struggle though. for the last several years i have been building this pretend wall up around my emotions, making sure that nobody has to see or have anything to do with them. the problem with this is that they would occasionally go a bit nuts and try to make a break for it, bursting through bits of the ever-so-carefully constructed wall, not only hurting me, but hurting all the people around me.
i would become venemous, ugly and really, incredibly hurtful. typically, this horror would stay safely within it's cage until i was within the confines of my home, but the last couple of weeks have involved me being at a loose end at all times. everywhere. at work, with friends, in town, alone... all the time. nobody was spared my emotions.
i hate it. i hate what it did to husband. having to make him feel like everything was his fault and that he couldn't do anything right, ever. he has really stuck by me and made a lot of things better, but it has taken a lot of work. i am really making a push to make everything right for us now.
before i could make things right with him, i had to start somewhere small though. i started at work, trying to just keep my head down and get work done... which has been really helpful. i have been focusing a lot on the projects that i have been handed and it is really making things better work-wise. i am being handed even more, important projects and i am really enjoying it.
once i had learned to control myself within the work environment, i tried to span that out into more friendly environments... i went to Ali's house and spent a day watching films and just enjoying not having to be a jerk. time with Ali is special anyways... he really just makes things feel better because i can talk to him and it feels nice. or i can just sit with him and NOT talk and it still feels nice. we watched films and talked about the comic and just really had a nice time.
now though, i am making all things magical again. things with husband are fabulous. he has really been supporting me through my medication changes and is making it all really easy for me. i love him something chronic, let me tell you.
so things relating to danie are slowly getting better. slowly. but they ARE getting better. i am consuming myself with lots of projects and really just trying to make myself feel less useless and awful. i am not feel 100% at all... not even 50% but something i learned from treatment is that you have to sometimes 'fake it to make it.' eventually it will all become a learned behaviour and it will all work out.
i am still feeling completely drained all the time, but less anxious. just tired.
still moving slow, like i am on autopilot. i'm still not reliable at all, whatsoever. hopefully, i will build up to that though.