i love Antonio Banderas and you should too!

yep. it's Tuesday and whilst my life is typically incredibly uneventful on a daily basis, today has been ridiculous.

the plan was for us to lie in, me to read until two, take Sebass to the vet and then come home and literally do nothing for the rest of the evening.

pshhha! like a day could ever STAY as simple as planned! it seems the days i WANT things to be exciting or eventful are the ones that lag the most and the days i'd rather just lie in bed all day reading somehow fill up with countless lists of shite.

we arose as planned and i lazily writhed in bed as Muffin stumbled around the house. Sebass and i snuggled and snoozed until breakfast lured me from my fluffy nest. we ate, paid bills and went home where i laid in bed reading with Sebass until appointment time. 

the appointment initially went as i expected, everyone fawning after him, as he is literally the most adorable dog in the entire world. he pranced, got lots of treats and then got poked like a little pincushion. he got shots for Distemper and Rabies, got his temperature taken (via his butthole) and then was taken in back for his microchip. i immediately hated the dumpy ginger veterinarian who whisked him away because he yelped. a lot. a shrieking, miserable yelp that i couldn't do anything about. Muffin lied to me and told me that it wasn't him, generating a story about a tiny chihuahua that was taken in back who MUST be the one yelping.

she came back and Sebass leaped into my arms. Dr. Dumpy tried to win his and my affections back with snacks, but i knew we'd never trust her again.

post-vet we came home to a stupid goddamned neon sticker on our second car which we only noticed aster seeing a similar sticker on a neighbour's car. the sticker claimed we would have our car towed (at OUR expense) in two days time if we didn't get our tags updated (sidenote: the reason we'd not gotten our tags updated on our second car was because we're poor and hadn't had the cash to update them.) to add insult to injury, we only had a hundred bucks left between us and our working car had become decidedly NOT working during our drive to the vet when the check engine light came on, meaning we couldn't safely drive to the Department of Licensing to get new tags.

so we walked.

anyways, we got tags for our car which needs an emissions test, so the tags only allow us to leave the car parked, not drive it anywhere, ever. we walked home and made a quick pit-stop at the office of our apartment complex to complain about the sticker and the sneaky, shitty way that they went about notifying us that our car should be moved.

now though, we're home, bellies full of pizza (which we decided we needed after our shitty day) and Cola. Sebass is lethargic and feeling terrible for himself and we're watching Desperado, which has completely reminded me how much i ADORE Antonio Banderas... which leads me to my list....

Antonio Banderas... who, when i was younger, i loved SO MUCH that i used to write him letters professing my love to him and begging him to keep growing his hair long. also, i had the above images VERY proudly hung above my bed as a young teen. i was just SO in love with him. when i was younger i loved EVERYTHING he was in and HATED Melanie Griffith for marrying him. i literally wouldn't have anything to do with any film she was affiliated with for the longest time.
Antonio Banderas' face
Antonio Banderas' voice
Antonio Banderas' hair 
Antonio Banderas' cheekbones
Antonio Banderas' eyes
Antinio Banderas' lips
snuggly Sebass... which mainly only happens first thing in the morning or whilst medicated.
Muffin... he's my favourite and always will be.
pineapple on pizza
Oreo crusts
pecans
Stephen  King
painting
Michael's 
planning for Halloween... firstly, because Janey will be here and I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HER! secondly, because Muffin, Janey and i will be going as part of an amazing theme that will blow people's minds. thirdly, because I LOVE HALLOWEEN!
pregnant bellies
days that i feel less fat
taxidermy
tuna
saving money
Master Chef
Fall Lineup... pretty much ALL of our favourite shows are on in the fallm so in the next month we'll be glued to our telly, laughing our arses off.
The Jetsons Movie
blueberry ice lollies
coupons
talking shit about Quentin Tarantino.. because i hate him and he's a cunt.
holographic glitter

eh, i think that's it. i can't find my cord to plug the fan into my laptop, so i've got a pretty roasty lap right now.

have a fabulous week!
 

FINALLY!! A TUESDAY!!

right, after the previous epicblog, i think i just need to churn this epiclist out.

please, enjoy!

almond flour
corriander
Holocaust documentaries
Pixar films
how i feel when i eat healthy
Wall-E
rice
my pestle and mortar
Honey Rivers Band
when Muffin cleans the kitchen... it's been happening much more often recently and i absolutely LOVE it when he prances off to the kitchen and tidies, even if it's just to do a few dishes.
Pictoplasma
lounge songs
when people on talent shows completely surprise me... i LOVE when i'm watching something like The X Factor or America's Got Talent and someone comes out and they completely take me by surprise with their act... if they look like a filthy country bumpkin and sing a stunning opera number. it's wonderful and ALWAYS gives me chills.
fountain cola
feeding Sebass a new food... since we've had him we've fed him just about everything we've eaten ourselves and i LOVE when it's a completely new food because he just doesn't understand how to eat it. it's hilarious.
continuous shots in films... for an amazing example, please go watch Children of Men, right now.
Sarah's weight loss... she had surgery in January and looks SO incredible now! every single day she looks better and i am so proud of how far she's come and how fabulous she looks!
Deja and Jason... they're beautiful people and i just love their wonderful little faces!
Muffin kisses
Evil Dead films... yeah, i suck and only just saw them for the first time recently. they're not amazing, but they're better than i thought they'd be.
stop animation
fire... i'm not a pyro, it's just pretty
fans... particularly in the summer! we've only barely survived the summer with the help of our fans!
gratuitous blood in films
my book collection
the sound of chainsaws
my Nook... Muffin got me one for our anniversary and it's completely renewed my love for reading! i always had trouble reading because my favourite time to read is just before bed, but Muffin has the light on HIS side of the bed, so it made reading difficult. since i've had my Nook i've literally gone through like five books and i am SO happy about it! i have missed reading so much and for as much as i battled having one, i couldn't go back. 
hearing Janey's voice... i miss her so much. i hate being so far away from her and i LOVE when she rings me and we get to giggle and muse about her upcoming visit. i love her so much.
blood splattering on a lightbulb... ALWAYS a wonderful touch in a gory film.
homemade tortilla crisps
finding INCREDIBLE cards
rocking chairs
quesadillas
Percoset
when outtakes are played during credits
laying with my face so close to Muffin's that i can kiss him constantly
old people who talk excitedly about my tattoos... old man at Midas talking about blank spots, cigarette advert on my leg
David Letterman... i used to watch him all the time as a kid with my sisters and i'd totally forgotten how much i loved him.
bok choy
little girl, hot tub... during our anniversary weekend Muffin and i were sitting in a hot tub and a little girl who couldn't have been more than six or seven came and sat in the hot tub and immediately began grilling me on my tattoos. she liked me reading the sentence on my leg and had me read it to her no less than six times. she was INCREDIBLY interested in the holes in my ears and was VERY determined to find out the exact number of tattoos i had, what order i got them in and if i planned on getting any more. it was a very fabulous hour and i love when little kids aren't scared to ask questions.
Joan Rivers
our Soda Stream... seriously, it's changed our life! we make our own cola and it's SO MUCH BETTER than the canned stuff!
my hairs... i went and got them done properly and i love them! they're red and black and getting rather long.
Red Genie Pizza... oh. my. GOD. it's the BEST pizza in the land! during our trip to the seaside for our anniversary we asked around about good places to eat. we'd planned on going to one of the two pizza places in the tiny town and whilst shopping for buttered-popcorn flavoured salt water taffy the clerk told us that we should TOTALLY go to the other one... i was personally VERY concerned about the other one because there were NO other patrons and it looks rather ram-shackle and crappy. we trusted the clerk though, and went. i was terrified when we walked in and the lady who seated us sounded like she MUST have been smoking since she was four and smelled just as terrible. can i say though, it was literally the greatest pizza i have ever had.
air con
sand dollars
my shark... whilst at the seaside i got a shark in a jar. i named him Snake. he's handsome.
cola
the sound of the sea
the smell of the sea
Muffin skateboarding
how smug i feel watching shows about naughty dogs... because Sebass is literally the most handsome and well-behaved dog in the land!
Muffin's feigned interest in my hobbies... literally the ENTIRE time i was reading the trilogy of 50 Shades of Grey he let me tell him what was going on and pretended to enjoy talking about it. he does the same with Desperate Housewives, Diablo II and Glee. he's a good husband.
when parents see their babies for the first time
shower puppy... so, our dog HATES baths. there is nothing that makes him want to die more, so we'd just resigned ourselves to have a filthy dog. that is, until one day Muffin and i were in the shower together and Sebass couldn't handle that he wasn't in there with us. he whined and tried to jump in, so we brought him in and now, we have a dog that LOVES showers!
Evelyn Giennie... she's a percussionist and she's baffling.
Olympics opening ceremony... blew my goddamned mind.
hot tubs
swimming
POSTCARD FROM JAPAN
Wes not being obsessed with video games... Wes is my step-son and he came to visit last month. it was a week of stress with the best thing being that he wasn't obsessed with playing on our mobiles or other games console. he's able to entertain himself, which i wish more kids these days could do.
our car after a trip to Chinatown... as it ALWAYS smells of chinese buns!
pulled sugar sculptures
when people take my Ranch problem seriously... i ALWAYS say i need more ranch than most people would, and about seven times out of ten, i will only get a tiny container. i LOVE it when a waitress actually takes me seriously and brings me a soup cup full.
petrol stations that put fresh flowers outside
How I Met Your Mother
Cosmetology School... yep, i've enrolled and am ready to start. the excitement is unbearable.

it's gotta get bad before it gets good...

so, the other night i'm laying in my bed. i'm laying there and doing an intensive internal assessment. checking in with parts of my body, to see if they're all still there, working and not needing any sort of medical attention. this need to assess my physical well-being comes from the fact that America is AWESOME and unwilling to provide any kind of socialized healthcare to people who need it despite certain individual's needs.

i checked with my legs and instinctively began scratching. since my first trip back from England in 2004 i have suffered from a horrible case of itchy legs. i would scratch and scratch until i bled. there are countless scars all over my legs from years of scratching. actually, little known fact, the main reason i originally started to get my legs tattooed was because i hated seeing the scratches and scars all over my legs.

moving on, i checked in with my belly by giving it a squeeze with both hands. trying to compare the size of the amount of fat i held in my hands to some sort of fruit or vegetable. it used to be a grapefruit and has, over the last several months, morphed into a large honeydew. i frowned and hated myself silently for a moment, thinking about how much weight i had let myself gain in the last year. i have literally put on over forty pounds. seeing that number even just now makes me wish i was willing to lie, but i know it won't do much good. i need to be able to see that number and know that i need to do something, that i need to change my way of living because i'm not healthy and i'm only going to become MORE unhealthy if i don't sort my life out.

i checked with my back. presumably as a result of my weight gain, my lower back has been killing me. i can't walk for more than ten minutes at a moderate pace without needing to stop and complain because my back literally hurts THAT MUCH. i worry about my back because the last time i experienced a pain like i am right now was when i had a kidney infection. i can't afford to have any kind of illness right now, but a kidney infection would literally be the worst. i've been VERY careful monitoring my internal organs because i can't even imagine what would happen if i fell ill with a kidney infection again.

finally, i made a stop in my head, checked how my mental health was doing. this is always the most fun for me. i'm now hitting the last of my supply of the anti-depressants my doctor prescribed me before our healthcare ran out and i am to the point now where i've got so little Ritalin left that i have to ration it to days that i know i might want to be more active.

anyways, the internal mental health check was alarming. i'm a mess. i'm existing in this place at the moment where i'm completely unwilling to pretty much do just about anything. i don't want to get up in the morning, participate in anything during the day and CAN'T sleep at night. i'm depressed. again.

i've been dealing with this very special bout of depression for several months now, which has resulted in the elusiveness on my blog, along with other things. this depression has been crippling in a whole new way for me. i'd gotten myself into such a fabulous cycle of self loathing, indifference and cynicism that i'd just completely given up on literally everything. i'd stopped doing my hair, wearing anything other than sweatpants, crafting, writing, talking to people and worst of all, communicating in an age-appropriate and conductive way with Muffin. i had just set myself up in a horrible little hole of misery that was made up of nothing but sadness and disappointment (pretty much all of which, i must add, was self-induced).

to be fair, my entire adult life has been made up a string of situations that have left me feeling HORRIBLY disappointed. i have spent a great deal of time wondering why i constantly felt like i was existing in such a massive state of disappointment; why i just couldn't be happy.

wait, i want to start this miserable part of this post saying that i love Muffin. i love him so, so much more than i think anybody could ever understand. the love that i feel for him, it goes beyond any means of description or explanation.

anyways, do you know that feeling after an argument where you feel like... sigh. you feel completely deflated. no matter how amazing your day may have started out, everything is gone after that last snide, shitty comment. i've got that right now, kinda all the time. lately Muffin and i have virtually lived exclusively between a string of FABULOUS arguments that are born from simple, piece of shit comments that turn completely out of control VERY quickly. i won't bore you with the details, but there tends to be IMMEDIATE escalation and doors are slammed and i am just so tired of feeling that horrible smug, yet ashamed feeling in the pit of my stomach that i inevitably always experience after every single argument.

so tired, in fact that last Monday i just got so, SO tired that i just gave up on any even sort of rational arguing and i reckon Muffin felt the same, because we pretty much broke up for about two hours.

yeah. my life's been THAT magical.

we've both just been walking on an emotional tightrope with our own personal battles staring us down every single minute of every single day. we're both tired, uninspired and angry. not at anybody in particular, but every single tiny bit of anger, sadness and frustration that we had burst into a horrible, disgusting relationship-shifting bubble that i think we kinda needed...

maybe i'm the only one that needed it, really, but it was big and offered me a lot of insight that i hadn't realized that i'd just shut out of my life because of the mess i'd let myself get into emotionally. 

since the day i met him, eleven years ago, i have been madly in love with Muffin and knew that he was the person that i was meant to see my oldest years with. there's never been anybody that i'd be willing to love as blindly as i have him. in the time i've known him i have seen him cheat on me, lie to me and break countless hearts, and you know what? i'd forgive him anything if it meant just a little more time with him.

at least that's what i THOUGHT i felt. it wasn't until last Monday that i realized that i've been holding him emotionally hostage and it's been destroying our relationship. i've been accusing him and hurting him making being with me nearly unbearable, all under the personal thought that i was making things better. i've been arguing blindly with him, not allowing him to offer me any input because i felt justified after what HE had put ME through. i just bulled on ahead with my own agenda, thinking it was helping, and not at all realizing that i was very slowly chipping away at the foundation that our lives were built on.

for months i've been searching aimlessly through countless internet sites trying to find the answers to questions i didn't even have the words to voice. why he was acting the way he was, why he wouldn't change and why he was so angry when he was the one who made the mistakes in the first place... i spent so much time focusing on what HE was doing wrong that i never took the time to stop and ask myself what in the world i was doing to fix things. i was just sitting back, expecting HIM to change, not even toying with the idea that i might need to step up and help. i was so focused on the hurt that he had inflicted on me that rather than letting the wound heal, i would just pick it and pick it and pick it, never, ever giving it a chance to scab over and get better.

last week helped me realize just how volatile i had become... just how difficult i had made life for the both of us. now, we're working together to make things good again. we're working and taking really great steps toward a better life.


the awesome thing? now, since i've stopped hounding him and feeling the need to monitor his every move, i've found myself feeling so much lighter and less strained. i've found myself with more time to crochet and paint and prepare for school (which starts in just over a month!!) i've found myself with the time and strength i was missing for ME, which is awesome.


things aren't perfect right now, but they are most absolutely on the right track. we hit the hideous rock-bottom we needed to and now we're headed back to where we need to be and i couldn't be happier to see the horizon.